Infatuation, crush, fixation, folly, foolishness, madness, obsession, passion, thing.... watever word you use.. i have it.. :'( i went to bed last night and started thinking... overthinking.. and then i realised i do have feelings for someone.. and its so sad.. i cant handle it.. i cant like anyone atm its wrong..and to make it worse the person isnt even interested.. i go online to see if hes on only because when i talk to him he always makes me smile and feel better.. its so wrong.. he has his own life his own interests his own girls and problems.. and here i go making him one of mine and he doesnt even know how i feel.. he treats me so nicely.. hes so cute and caring.. i get mixed signals from him and i dont know how he feels about me.. as a friend or more.. or i duno.. but then i see him talkin to me about different girls and then i know that he isnt interested in me in the way i would like it to be.. i have this overwhelming feeling of sadness because i know what i want i cant get.. and i hate being like this.. he just came online right now.. changed his statues to away n then went offline.. atm im appearing offline because i dont feel like talking to anyone.. dont get me wrong i am happy.. its just that deep down what i really want isnt there.. ive noticed ive tried alot of things to get his attention.. it works.. it always works.. he always talks to me... but.. i cant explain it.. i can tell hes always distracted by other things in his life.. hmmz.. i havent felt like this about anyone in a really long time.. and i dont like it.. :( i thought having crushes was fun but its not at all.. since ive realised that i actually do like him ive started feeling worse about it.. and i feel awkward at times.. when i talk to him now im scared that i might say something that will give him a hint or clue how i feel.. and i sorta hold myself back.. i cant even remember how i used to talk to him.. its so weird.. :S i feel alone.. i dont think anyone understands how i feel.. im scared to talk bout this to some people because i dont think they'll take me seriously..
You took my heart I must confess
Deep in your eyes
There seemed to be a look that said
Hello, is it me you're searching for
Suddenly my sunshine turn to rain
I dunno if it'll ever come back again
Thats what you are sunshine and rain
You didn't say you had a man
That never belonged within your plans
And it hurts so bad
Someone tell me
Why are all the good girls, taken everytime
And why do I keep falling for Someone else's dime
Everytime I says Hello Then they say Goodbye
So why are all you good girls Taken everytime......
Good Girls - Joe.. if u substitute the girl into guy thats how i feel... even though this person isnt actually taken or has a girl physically or wateva.. i know that his heart belongs to someone else :(
btw... woke up at 5:00pm today.. 15 hours of sleep.. no idea whats wrong with me :( hmmz my blogs r always sad.. sorry but thats the only way i cant get rid of these depressing feelings so i can be happy on the outside...
anywayz anyone have any thoughts please comment.. i need help :S
mwahz xoxoxo
Sunday, January 23, 2005
ѕраѕтісатєd
i went to bed at 5 last nite.. at 9 my grandma called my fone.. i have no idea wat she wanted.. i think to talk to my mum.. all i can remember is that she was speaking assyrian.. and wats strange is that i was replyin to her in assyrian and kinda speaking fluently.. thats really weird because i usually stumble with words... i no assyrian problem is its in my head and when i try to pronounce the word i hesitate and get it wrong.. maybe wen im half asleep my brain doesnt have time to double think the word and i just speak out gettin the word right.. isnt that amazing? hmmz anywayz she called me n i remember gettn outa bed walkin around all upstairs.. then ran down to look for my mum.. went outside.. all while my eyes r half shut.. and then i ran bak upstairs n bak in bed.. i woke up again at like 12-1 or sumthin.. it was really hot and stuffy in my room and i didnt get a really good sleep..
my cuzin was over been over since thursday night.. hehe we were talkin last nite and sumthings been really annoyin me.. i no she didnt mean it in that way but its still buggin me..
theres this assyrian party on the 12th of feb... for valentines day.. and shes goin with her bf.. and our frend goin with her bf.. and she wants me to go.. but i really really dont wanna go.. and not becoz i have no1 to go with.. i just find goin to those kinda things really boring.. and only fairfield tts go :S but anywayz she thought i didnt wana go coz i have no1 to go with and she started to give me advice to find some1.. shes like be more open.. wen ur walkin on the streets look at guyz directly bla blah all this bullshit.. and then shes like u should always walk around with someone whos uglier than you... and i was like omg.. i walk around with u everywhere we go.. r u like usin me coz im ugly or sumthin like wtf.. i didnt actually say anythin to her bout it.. i was just like so is that y u walk with me.. but she laughed it off as a joke.. i got offended.. but it was the middle of the night/early morning.. so u no could b honest bimbo moment and all that.. coz every1 says stuff wen theyre dead tired.. but i duno its still stuck on me and its really annoyin.. :S
anywayz today i was on the net with her like most the day.. (net junkies 23Q) haha but i was watchin the way she would talk to guyz.. shes gota kinda a flirty language.. she doesnt mean to but its natural.. for example she calls every1 hunz.. babe.. mwahz every1 and all that kinda stuff.. i wana b like that so that guyz n that can think of me differently.. wait that doesnt make sense.. it sounded really bad.. i mean most guyz i talk to see me as just a friend.. and not as a possiblity.. maybe its the way i talk to them.. i dunno...but its really :S
i feel like i always miss my chance.. and i move really really slowly.. theres some girls who just talk to a guy for a couple weeks and then meet up and wateva.. with me.. i take my time i could talk to someone for months n months n still not mention meeting up with them..but i feel uncomfortable.. and shy.. if they wana meet me wouldnt they tell me first.. if they were interested...? so id rather not mention it coz if they havent yet then theyre not interested in me and i dont wanna get myself in a complicated situation of one sided feelings bla bla.. :S wateva i have no idea wat im talkin bout.. im kinda gettin sick of my whole attitude and i wanna learn how to be more open with stuff like that and not worry as much bout wat the other person thinks of me..
im such a hypocrit (spell check).. i always give advice to people.. "u shouldnt care what people think of you"... "walk round and dont worry what they say or if they look at u".. "if u dont take chances ur neva gona get anywhere".. i never listen to it.. its easier to say than to do *sigh* so depressin lolz
im kinda annoyed i was lookin forward to goin out on wednesday but then my frend baked out coz shes goin out with some other frend of hers.. :( i really wanted to go outttt... and now im stuck home again.. i wanted a change i wanted to take a risk be naughty.. haha sneak out lolz all that stuff... but nooo not gona happen.. im stuck at home.. same old boring routine :(
omg i feel really sickkk soo demented :S ive got the flu, headache, sore tummy, dizziness, sore throat... then i got emotional problems lolz... its the damn weather... really hot.. then i put aircon on... and i cant leave it on coz i get brain freezes/headaches from it.. and i sleep with the fan on with like singlet n no blankets.. so of course im gona get sick.. so spasticated in the head n body.. farkkkk
anywayz there goes yet another long boring blog which nobody reads :P just had to let it all out *screeeeeaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmzzzzz* hmmz feelin kinda better... nite nite byez mwaz ;)
ps... im soooo jealous of somethin and i dont wana be arghhhh let it out ... breathe... relax... arghhh not feelin any better... its my fault i missd my chance.. okz wateva... arghhhhh
my cuzin was over been over since thursday night.. hehe we were talkin last nite and sumthings been really annoyin me.. i no she didnt mean it in that way but its still buggin me..
theres this assyrian party on the 12th of feb... for valentines day.. and shes goin with her bf.. and our frend goin with her bf.. and she wants me to go.. but i really really dont wanna go.. and not becoz i have no1 to go with.. i just find goin to those kinda things really boring.. and only fairfield tts go :S but anywayz she thought i didnt wana go coz i have no1 to go with and she started to give me advice to find some1.. shes like be more open.. wen ur walkin on the streets look at guyz directly bla blah all this bullshit.. and then shes like u should always walk around with someone whos uglier than you... and i was like omg.. i walk around with u everywhere we go.. r u like usin me coz im ugly or sumthin like wtf.. i didnt actually say anythin to her bout it.. i was just like so is that y u walk with me.. but she laughed it off as a joke.. i got offended.. but it was the middle of the night/early morning.. so u no could b honest bimbo moment and all that.. coz every1 says stuff wen theyre dead tired.. but i duno its still stuck on me and its really annoyin.. :S
anywayz today i was on the net with her like most the day.. (net junkies 23Q) haha but i was watchin the way she would talk to guyz.. shes gota kinda a flirty language.. she doesnt mean to but its natural.. for example she calls every1 hunz.. babe.. mwahz every1 and all that kinda stuff.. i wana b like that so that guyz n that can think of me differently.. wait that doesnt make sense.. it sounded really bad.. i mean most guyz i talk to see me as just a friend.. and not as a possiblity.. maybe its the way i talk to them.. i dunno...but its really :S
i feel like i always miss my chance.. and i move really really slowly.. theres some girls who just talk to a guy for a couple weeks and then meet up and wateva.. with me.. i take my time i could talk to someone for months n months n still not mention meeting up with them..but i feel uncomfortable.. and shy.. if they wana meet me wouldnt they tell me first.. if they were interested...? so id rather not mention it coz if they havent yet then theyre not interested in me and i dont wanna get myself in a complicated situation of one sided feelings bla bla.. :S wateva i have no idea wat im talkin bout.. im kinda gettin sick of my whole attitude and i wanna learn how to be more open with stuff like that and not worry as much bout wat the other person thinks of me..
im such a hypocrit (spell check).. i always give advice to people.. "u shouldnt care what people think of you"... "walk round and dont worry what they say or if they look at u".. "if u dont take chances ur neva gona get anywhere".. i never listen to it.. its easier to say than to do *sigh* so depressin lolz
im kinda annoyed i was lookin forward to goin out on wednesday but then my frend baked out coz shes goin out with some other frend of hers.. :( i really wanted to go outttt... and now im stuck home again.. i wanted a change i wanted to take a risk be naughty.. haha sneak out lolz all that stuff... but nooo not gona happen.. im stuck at home.. same old boring routine :(
omg i feel really sickkk soo demented :S ive got the flu, headache, sore tummy, dizziness, sore throat... then i got emotional problems lolz... its the damn weather... really hot.. then i put aircon on... and i cant leave it on coz i get brain freezes/headaches from it.. and i sleep with the fan on with like singlet n no blankets.. so of course im gona get sick.. so spasticated in the head n body.. farkkkk
anywayz there goes yet another long boring blog which nobody reads :P just had to let it all out *screeeeeaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmzzzzz* hmmz feelin kinda better... nite nite byez mwaz ;)
ps... im soooo jealous of somethin and i dont wana be arghhhh let it out ... breathe... relax... arghhh not feelin any better... its my fault i missd my chance.. okz wateva... arghhhhh
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Stars...
hmmz.. im gettin sick.. i can tell from my voice.. its kinda softer.. today i woke up at around 12.. had a weird dream but i cant remember it.. anywayz woke up watched cartoons "rocket power" haha watched more tv.. n then came on the net.. and tried to start my english essay.. spent 2 hours on it.. and all i got done was finding 13 pages of info.. i have the shortest attention span.. i get distracted so easily.. :S im neva gona get anything finished.. ive started so many things in my life and it takes me forever to finish them.. *looks on the bright side* at least they do get finished.. imagine if they didnt id have half cooked rotting pieces of meat from those days i decided to be use my talents at cookin n b a chef.. im the best chef.. *rolls eyes* once i made spaghetti.. and i burnt the oil :S who knew u could burn oil..anywayz i continued cooking not knowin the oil was burnt.. all the time spellin this really weird thing.. finished cookin.. served it to my family.. and then every1 kinda stopped eatin.. and my mums like ur burnt the oil.. :( i feel sorry for them they coulda gotten sick.. oh wellz.. thats ur fault 4 bein lazy and not cookin and leavin it up to me... hahaha
have u ever been in an awkward situation where u said something u shouldnt have.. u may hav offended a person and didnt realise it till it was too late.. or u started talkin about somthin that made the other person uncomfortable.. what r u meant to do? do u change the conversation? continue talkin bout the same thing? if u change the convo then the other person will realise the awkward situation and may start actin differently.. if u keep talkin u could say somthin even more stupid.. if the other person changes the convo coz theyre feelin weird.. do u feel bad coz u just realised what u said? lol i duno im talkin in circles.. if someone actually understands what im talkin bout.. ur my hero haha ;)
haha today amy went to the library and sat there for 4 hours.. behind her was eunice.. both didnt no that each other were there until it was too late.. they both were doin their physics assignment and coulda helped each other.. but they didnt no they were there till they left.. i think i believe in fate and destiny and all that.. so i guess this was destiny.. or there was a reason for them not seeing each other.. something better may have come from it.. that makes me think of times when im out and then someone sees me but i dont see them.. im always in a lost mood when im out.. i never seem to pay attention to the outside.. is it my lostiness that i dont see those people or is it destiny or fate.. i wasnt meant to see that person at that time.. am i meant to see them another time when its more suitable.. will i benefit for waitin and not seein that person.. lol see there i go again talkin in circles..
"Moonlight tends to look upsetting if you feel so too..." nice quote.. lol theirs no point to it.. i just like it.. haha
anywayz :S nite nite xoxoxox
have u ever been in an awkward situation where u said something u shouldnt have.. u may hav offended a person and didnt realise it till it was too late.. or u started talkin about somthin that made the other person uncomfortable.. what r u meant to do? do u change the conversation? continue talkin bout the same thing? if u change the convo then the other person will realise the awkward situation and may start actin differently.. if u keep talkin u could say somthin even more stupid.. if the other person changes the convo coz theyre feelin weird.. do u feel bad coz u just realised what u said? lol i duno im talkin in circles.. if someone actually understands what im talkin bout.. ur my hero haha ;)
haha today amy went to the library and sat there for 4 hours.. behind her was eunice.. both didnt no that each other were there until it was too late.. they both were doin their physics assignment and coulda helped each other.. but they didnt no they were there till they left.. i think i believe in fate and destiny and all that.. so i guess this was destiny.. or there was a reason for them not seeing each other.. something better may have come from it.. that makes me think of times when im out and then someone sees me but i dont see them.. im always in a lost mood when im out.. i never seem to pay attention to the outside.. is it my lostiness that i dont see those people or is it destiny or fate.. i wasnt meant to see that person at that time.. am i meant to see them another time when its more suitable.. will i benefit for waitin and not seein that person.. lol see there i go again talkin in circles..
"Moonlight tends to look upsetting if you feel so too..." nice quote.. lol theirs no point to it.. i just like it.. haha
anywayz :S nite nite xoxoxox
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Snake...
im really bored.. seems like im always bored these days... wat is bein bored really? coz wat if im not bored but im just sayin im bored.. it seems like boredom is everywhere i look.. can u b bored when ur doin alot of things.. maybe bein bored is havin expectations or hopes of what u wana b doin but ur not actually doin them things.. so to some1 else what u could b doin rite now is not borin but 2 u ur goin crazy coz ur so bored... im gona look up the meanin of the word bored..
omg u wouldnt believe it but the word bored isnt in the dictionary! (The Australian Oxford Paperback Dictionary).. things that people can do to make u go crazy... im so bored i looked up the word bored and its not even there.. i bet the people who made the dictionary did it on purpose... if ur so bored to look up the word bored and its not there.. it makes u determined to look in other places until u find the meaning of the word.. wow theyre so smart.. givin somethin 4 people to do when in the state of boredom...
theres the word bore... BORE: Make (a person) feel tired or uninterested by being dull or tedious... wellz.. no1s making me bored.. except myself.. so does that mean im lame? haha probably am.. lolz no wonder im bored.. im boring.. haha now gona look up the word on dictionary.com..
bored
adj 1: tired of the world; "bored with life"; "strolled through the museum with a bored air" 2: uninterested because of frequent exposure or indulgence; "his blase indifference"; "a petulent blase air"; "the bored gaze of the successful film star"
hmmz.. so its sayin the reason i am so bored is because of frequent exposure or indulgence.. once ur exposed to something over and over it becomes boring.. so by being on the net all the time and havin the same routine everyday my life is boring.. i need to do somethin to excite it.. :S well if i had somethin else to do i would b doing it..
this is so annoying.. i no my problem but i duno how to fix it.. how am i supposed to find somethin else to do.. im scared to take risks.. im scared of big things changin.. im scared of regrets.. im scared of heights.. omg im scared lolz
this whole boredom thing is makin me go crazy... i have no idea y im like this.. maybe coz i have no1 interestin to talk to.. i got about 27 people online.. no1 really that special.. oh wellz.. :S
today i woke up and did nothing at all.. watched a few movies.. and stuff... ooo im peeling.. im a snake.. eeww its so gross and ugly looking.. i feel so dirty..
awwww i want someone to come online... =( its only 10:47 its too early to sleep.. but i got nothin else to do.. im gettin bored of gunbound and my head isnt working to well to do skool work :S omg skool arghhh avoid subject coz im gona go crazy.. so much work to do and so little time.. *waaaaaaaa* *runs away screaming* i hate skool.. dont wana go anymore its such a waste of time.. i dont even no y i go.. wateva my heads been in a time warp these few days.. been really annoyed with everyone and bitin peoples heads off for no reason.. ive kinda been mean to a few people.. and i duno y... and i cant help it :S
oo rite now im doin sooma.. or howeva its spelt.. no meat or dairy products for 3 days.. started yesterday.. not to hard this time.. its the dream one.. but i dont wana eat that thing 2 c the dream.. 4 people who dont no wat im on about... u dont eat meat or dairy products for 3 days and 3 nites.. on wed nite u make this mixture of 7 ingredients.. including chick peas, kidney peas, flour.. weird stuff.. and then using ur thumb u scoop 7 times and eat it... its really dry and yukky.. then u do the same thing scooping salt.. 7 times... this makes u really really thirsty.. that nite u should dream of water.. and its believed that u will see ur future man.. the 1 ur meant 2 b with... wen my mum was younger she dreamt of this guy she liked givin her water.. but then this other hand took away the glass.. it was my dads hand.. theres heaps of stories like that really kool..
hmmz anywayz long blog.. thats enough.. byez
xoxoxo
omg u wouldnt believe it but the word bored isnt in the dictionary! (The Australian Oxford Paperback Dictionary).. things that people can do to make u go crazy... im so bored i looked up the word bored and its not even there.. i bet the people who made the dictionary did it on purpose... if ur so bored to look up the word bored and its not there.. it makes u determined to look in other places until u find the meaning of the word.. wow theyre so smart.. givin somethin 4 people to do when in the state of boredom...
theres the word bore... BORE: Make (a person) feel tired or uninterested by being dull or tedious... wellz.. no1s making me bored.. except myself.. so does that mean im lame? haha probably am.. lolz no wonder im bored.. im boring.. haha now gona look up the word on dictionary.com..
bored
adj 1: tired of the world; "bored with life"; "strolled through the museum with a bored air" 2: uninterested because of frequent exposure or indulgence; "his blase indifference"; "a petulent blase air"; "the bored gaze of the successful film star"
hmmz.. so its sayin the reason i am so bored is because of frequent exposure or indulgence.. once ur exposed to something over and over it becomes boring.. so by being on the net all the time and havin the same routine everyday my life is boring.. i need to do somethin to excite it.. :S well if i had somethin else to do i would b doing it..
this is so annoying.. i no my problem but i duno how to fix it.. how am i supposed to find somethin else to do.. im scared to take risks.. im scared of big things changin.. im scared of regrets.. im scared of heights.. omg im scared lolz
this whole boredom thing is makin me go crazy... i have no idea y im like this.. maybe coz i have no1 interestin to talk to.. i got about 27 people online.. no1 really that special.. oh wellz.. :S
today i woke up and did nothing at all.. watched a few movies.. and stuff... ooo im peeling.. im a snake.. eeww its so gross and ugly looking.. i feel so dirty..
awwww i want someone to come online... =( its only 10:47 its too early to sleep.. but i got nothin else to do.. im gettin bored of gunbound and my head isnt working to well to do skool work :S omg skool arghhh avoid subject coz im gona go crazy.. so much work to do and so little time.. *waaaaaaaa* *runs away screaming* i hate skool.. dont wana go anymore its such a waste of time.. i dont even no y i go.. wateva my heads been in a time warp these few days.. been really annoyed with everyone and bitin peoples heads off for no reason.. ive kinda been mean to a few people.. and i duno y... and i cant help it :S
oo rite now im doin sooma.. or howeva its spelt.. no meat or dairy products for 3 days.. started yesterday.. not to hard this time.. its the dream one.. but i dont wana eat that thing 2 c the dream.. 4 people who dont no wat im on about... u dont eat meat or dairy products for 3 days and 3 nites.. on wed nite u make this mixture of 7 ingredients.. including chick peas, kidney peas, flour.. weird stuff.. and then using ur thumb u scoop 7 times and eat it... its really dry and yukky.. then u do the same thing scooping salt.. 7 times... this makes u really really thirsty.. that nite u should dream of water.. and its believed that u will see ur future man.. the 1 ur meant 2 b with... wen my mum was younger she dreamt of this guy she liked givin her water.. but then this other hand took away the glass.. it was my dads hand.. theres heaps of stories like that really kool..
hmmz anywayz long blog.. thats enough.. byez
xoxoxo
Sunday, January 16, 2005
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
-= Emotion Concealed =-
today i woke up at 2.. i had my alarm set on at 12.. i wanted to get a good 8 hours sleep.. but i ended up gettin 10.. haha.. had the longest shower.. maybe more than an hour... listenin to eminem-puke on repeat :P went outside.. read a bit of this book.. my lil cuzinz came over.. played with them a lil bit.. and i got a new bed.. double.. hehe... its wider than my old one.. but it seems shorter... i really hope its comfortable coz if its not im gona be so annoyed.. ill just get my old bed back.. im attached to it.. its really comfy.. and im used to it.
yesterday two people told me that for the first time in awhile i was myself.. it got me thinkin bout what is myself meant to be? and how do they no what i really am like? it was meant as a compliment.. so i guess i should be happy.. but im really confused because i dont no how i was acting any different to usual.. or being normal.. or whatever i was doing to be myself..
hmmz anywayz short blog today coz nothin much has happend and my mind seems to be quiet tonight.. nite nite xoxoxo
yesterday two people told me that for the first time in awhile i was myself.. it got me thinkin bout what is myself meant to be? and how do they no what i really am like? it was meant as a compliment.. so i guess i should be happy.. but im really confused because i dont no how i was acting any different to usual.. or being normal.. or whatever i was doing to be myself..
hmmz anywayz short blog today coz nothin much has happend and my mind seems to be quiet tonight.. nite nite xoxoxo
Monday, January 10, 2005
соиfчѕєd
everytime i go to write a blog.. i just stop and think that i shouldnt.. i feel really lost and weird these days.. the other day i kinda had a breakdown.. alot of things were on me and i had to let them out.. this included me cryin non stop infront of a few people... writin lettas of hate.. umm bein quiet.. getn lost.. who knows.. ive been havin all different emotions..
this morning i had a dream.. a tsunami hit.. i was in the car with a few people.. my frends i think.. and we were drving tryin 2 race home.. next i was at home.. and i was tryin 2 get my dogs upstairs.. next i was in my room on my bed all alone.. my house was empty.. and water was everywhere.. i felt suffocated and alone.. really alone and sad.. when i woke up i had this weird attitude and feeling.. like i have to say everything on my mind.. becoz u dont no whats goin to happen 2moro.. it makes me sad that i dont have anything to tell or to say.. im so scared of what mite happen if i tell someone what i feel or wateva.. im really confused..
this morning i had a dream.. a tsunami hit.. i was in the car with a few people.. my frends i think.. and we were drving tryin 2 race home.. next i was at home.. and i was tryin 2 get my dogs upstairs.. next i was in my room on my bed all alone.. my house was empty.. and water was everywhere.. i felt suffocated and alone.. really alone and sad.. when i woke up i had this weird attitude and feeling.. like i have to say everything on my mind.. becoz u dont no whats goin to happen 2moro.. it makes me sad that i dont have anything to tell or to say.. im so scared of what mite happen if i tell someone what i feel or wateva.. im really confused..
Sometimes I'm confused
About this thing I have for you
It makes me a little crazy
Putting me in this mood
I want to be on my own but
Then I want you home
You make me feel good
But I'd rather be all alone
Confused - Blackstreet.. describes exactly how i feel bout someone or thing.. whateva.. i am really confused.. i dont wanna be alone.. but i am scared of bein ignored.. what happens if i tell some1 how i feel and they dont feel the same way and it ruins wateva we have.. im really confused..
i feel really lost.. and alone.. my frends r all everywhere.. and i havent talked to any of them properly in ages.. some of them havent even bothered 2 talk 2 me.. i msgd pam merry xmas n happy new year.. 2 msgs.. and she hasnt bothered to call of msg bak.. i wonder why.. i talked 2 steven n she called him wen she found out her results for accounting.. i wonder why she hasnt called... i miss my frends so much!! i wanna c them n talk 2 them.. if ur readin this.. hello im here dont 4get about me with ur busy lives... im still here.. stable..stagnant (lol @ ms kim business).. at home most of the time.. goin crazy from boredom..
i know how i should be feeling.. i no how i want to feel.. but i cant seem to be like that.. i know i shouldnt have certain feelings.. but i feel them.. my whole mind and heart are goin crazy and not listenin 2 what should be happening..
does it hurt when someone u may have feelins for tells u they like someone else? maybe im feelin hurt.. but that someone is someone i shouldnt have feeling for.. omg see how confused i am! arghhh.. i need some professional help.... "DR PHIL" (haha white chicks)
i feel isolated.. thats the word.. everyday i wake up.. and my only connection to the outside world is through the net.. and even with that i dont have the ability to reach people.. my fone is quiet.. no one bothers to call me.. and if i call it doesnt seem right.. and i cant call becoz every1 workin or busy and i dont wana disturb them..
skool starts in 3 weeks!! omg.. so close.. i really want it to hurry up and start just so i can have a rountine to my life and get things back on track.. but then i dont want it to come bcoz of all the work and pressure to do my school work and do well..
i just remembered my mum n dad havent even seen my report for yr 11.. my mum asked about it and all i said was na i dont want uz to c it.. and she just left it.. so weird.. i think they forgot about me.. everyone forgets me.. im not special to any1.. i dont wanna be everyones everything.. just someones somthing.. thats how i feel!
i wanna be someones sumthin.. :S now if theres someone out there.. im here :D haha jokes.. hmmz... i feel really sick in my tummy now...
You don't know how sick you make me
You make me fuckin' sick to my stomach
Every time I think of you, I puke
You must just not know--whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa
You may not think you do, but you do
Every time I think of you
hmmz :S not feelin good at all.. just talkin to someone.. and gettin hurt n they dont even no thats wat theyre doin to me.. but maybe not.. it was a guy.. shitness.. goin crazy... *sigh* i think thats enough bloggin.. but my minds racing.. if i stop bloggin i have nothin 2 do.. except sleep.. and i dont wana sleep i wana make the most of talkin to a few people.. every chance i have.. y should i waste my time sleeping? when i can talk? ahooo lol i may have missd a chance of telln someone a secret.. interruptions.. shitness.. i just remembered my to-do-list for the holidays.. i havent accomplished even half of it.. all ive done is say thank u to someone.. i havent heard a secret or told one either..
waaaa im wastin my life.. i wana accomplish something.. anywayz.. thats enough bloggin.. i mite go waste my time playin gunbound...:(
byez xoxoxox
ps.. someone plz comment n tell me wat u think of my craziness.. someone.. anyone.. can u hear me?
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
иотніиg
i wanna be nothing at this moment.. i wana be hidden.. i dont want anyone to notice me.. if i want this then maybe people will do the opposite and give me attention? i dont have any idea how im feelin rite now.. i am really really bored.. maybe its coz i have to much expectations of what i want people to do or say to me.. and i duno.. im so lost i have no idea what im on about..
anywayz im gettin really annoyed about my sleeping habits.. i keep sleeping really really late and waking up in the mid-afternoon.. its really not healthy and i duno what im gona do when skool is about to start.. how am i gona get back into the routine of sleep.. the the other day i stayed up till about 6am.. and i woke up at like 3 yesterday.. it was very nice to stay up.. i was on the net talkin 2 a frend.. and stayed up i took some photos outside.. its amazing how quickly the sun rises.. it took about 10 minutes from dark to light..
last night i tried to go to sleep earlier.. i went to bed around 3 sumthin.. it didnt work.. my cuzin woke me up at 11 this morning.. she wanted me 2 come over.. but i decided not to.. i went to sleep again.. and layed in bed till about 2..
hmmz.. i wanna feel really hyped up and crazy.. but i cant.. i feel as though i have no energy to do thaat.. it takes alot to be happy.. i am happy.. im just dead.. im happy coz of somethin..hmmz.. hehe.. i have no idea what im doing.. i dont have a dp on msn.. no nick name.. and my text is normal.. hoping to fade into the background.. which i think is working because i have 24 people online and not 1 person is talking to me.. :( oh wellz.. maybe its time for me to come back.. and be normal again? get over it.. im over it.. get over it.. haha
yeps.. time to go back into the normal world again..
anywayz im gettin really annoyed about my sleeping habits.. i keep sleeping really really late and waking up in the mid-afternoon.. its really not healthy and i duno what im gona do when skool is about to start.. how am i gona get back into the routine of sleep.. the the other day i stayed up till about 6am.. and i woke up at like 3 yesterday.. it was very nice to stay up.. i was on the net talkin 2 a frend.. and stayed up i took some photos outside.. its amazing how quickly the sun rises.. it took about 10 minutes from dark to light..
last night i tried to go to sleep earlier.. i went to bed around 3 sumthin.. it didnt work.. my cuzin woke me up at 11 this morning.. she wanted me 2 come over.. but i decided not to.. i went to sleep again.. and layed in bed till about 2..
hmmz.. i wanna feel really hyped up and crazy.. but i cant.. i feel as though i have no energy to do thaat.. it takes alot to be happy.. i am happy.. im just dead.. im happy coz of somethin..hmmz.. hehe.. i have no idea what im doing.. i dont have a dp on msn.. no nick name.. and my text is normal.. hoping to fade into the background.. which i think is working because i have 24 people online and not 1 person is talking to me.. :( oh wellz.. maybe its time for me to come back.. and be normal again? get over it.. im over it.. get over it.. haha
yeps.. time to go back into the normal world again..
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