Roses

i duno how im feelin atm.. but i cant concentrate.. my minds distracted.. yesterday my cuzn told me that this guy named steven passed away from a car accident on friday.. he used to go to our school.. he was her xs good frend.. he had curly hair n was assyrian... do uze remember him? i think sheenal used to talk to him on her free periods.. its not like i knew him that well but im really shocked.. i talked to him a couple times when ma cuz n her bf were out or wateva.. its so weird.. i cant believe it. its so sad. and i duno wat to do.. i havent told anyone that hes passed coz i didnt no him and its not my place to tell everyone.. i think maybe sheenal should no coz she talked to him i think.. but i dont wana tell her till afta she finishes her exams.. i mean she didnt really no him but she talked to him more than i did and if im affected its probably gonna be worse for her :( i still dont know why i feel so affected by it.. i seriously cant cocentrate.. he was so young.. and hes gone?
"You dont see that we hurt
But still...
...I smile
The roses come to see me
And I can't wait for a sunny day
(Im seeing it through your eyes)
Can't wait for the clouds to break"
i keep tellin my self that a day will come where we can smile again.. i keep thinkin that after the hsc everything will be fine.. we'd be happy and everythin but i duno now somethin like this happens and its just a reminder that bad things happen all the time and we cant help them or stop them from happening.. why are humans one of the biggest and smartest creatures on earth but we cant do anythin about the pain that surrounds each of us.. we cant prevent bad things happening.. argh im just really annoyed about how the world works...RIP Steven..

arguments

hmmz.. today was a total waste.. woke up 2 disappointment that we werent going out 2day.. so spent all day watchin movies.. then around like 6 we went to visit my aunty.. she has my dress coz i wanted 2 fix the straps.. and she wouldnt let me take it home.. its a really long story but it has sumthin to do with my dad n blah blah n yeh its not even any of her business.. but still.. and i felt so shit coz i got really annoyed and i snapped out to her that 'its my dress i can do wateva i want' :S and thats wen shes like 'dont think im doin this 2 annoy u..' and started a whole guilt trip thing.. i feel so bad now but still.. my mum said dw coz shes always like that.. but it was so disrespectful of me.. she was just tryin to be nice.. afta that i went to my other aunties coz that aunty couldnt do the straps coz its a sorta awkward design and my other aunty would b better at shortinin it.. and my cuz whos like the best helps me alot with school stuff didnt ask me how the hsc was or anythin.. he began to say hows the hsc but stopped himself and said or ud rather not talk about it.. later when we were goin home i asked my mum like y he was like that n if she told him how i was n she goes she told him how im stressin and finding it really hard blah blah bullshit.. i mean omg she exaggerates and makes up stuff.. i didnt tell her maths was hard.. i said it was ok.. and that i didnt care coz i didnt study.. and she goes n tells every1 how hard maths was..and then i got into an argument bout how embarassing she can b at times by sayin stuff about me 2 complete randoms blah blah.. n then she started a whole guilt thing.. made me feel bad bout bringin it up..argh y r ppl like that.. they complain that ohh u neva talk to me.. ur like a stranger to me.. blah blah n then wen u tell them how ur feelin or try to clear the air they get all annoyin n stuff..
and omg im soooooo annoyed and disappointed over the stupidest thing.. i was so excited day light saving was startin.. coz i thought that if i wake up at 5am normal time.. wen daylight saving starts it would b 4am.. but nooo i was wrong.. it would actually be 6am that means im waking up later and losing time!!! im soo disappointed.. im losing an hour of my life and my whole systems gona go crazy.. im gona b so tired all the time and b like in this mood 4eva.. i hate being tired and sleepy i cant think and overthink...

5 down 2 to go

Biology was today and i totally stuffed it up.. i studied.. but it seemed like i studied all the wrong things.. there was alot of bullshitting involved.. i walked out at i think around 11-11:30 i cant remember the exact time. but i still feel really guilty about it.. and its not like if i stayed there id magically remember stuff.. i was finished and thats all i could write.. i got so bored at around 10:30-11 that i just wanted to stop writing and walk out.. i was so not in the mood.. and then we stayed back at the library to study 4 chem and that was sorta a waste.. we did study a bit.. but only 'a bit' omg im so upset atm i duno why but i am.. i think i maybe overtired.. i hate it when im in this mood.. i really wanna sleep but i dont wanna miss out on anythin..and i am extremely bored.. : *yawns and screams* i need socialisation.. to many exams is stressin me out and making me tired.. and i am really really really worried about chem.. i dont no anything.. im not gona learn anything.. and i will never no anything.. i really dont wanna do bad :( i cant b bothered to try.. im to lazy and tired and fed up with all the exams.. arghhh i hate them.. its to time consuming.. and ive got 2 weeks left! and only 2 exams. id rather they were on this monday and following tuesday so id never hav to sit and wait for an exam again.. : blehh total mind collapse.. save the last dance is on.. 1 of my fav movies and im not even watchin it coz if i go in my room ill fall asleep so i wasted my time.. wouldnt even get to watch the movie.. i cant keep my eyes open theyre gona start to burn.. : i need help..
*dizziness spins around falls to the ground, yells outloud, and talks to imaginary friend*
signs of insanity? maybe.. maybe not..
talking to urself is probably one..
bye byez
xoxo

yay formal dress =)

hmmz yesterday i went to parramatta with my mum, aunty and sis.. and my sis wanted to look at formal dresses.. and i bought 1! lol i really wanted to go shopping with every1.. but i couldnt leave it incase it wasnt there later on.. but ill still go shoppin with every1 coz i need shoes.. anyways its black.. the front is simple and straight cut.. the bodice has sorta silky/scrunchy material.. the back its sorta backless.. with a v shaped cut down to my ass.. but it has like thick stringy things across my back.. its long down to the floor... and at the back the material is a lil longer and sorta has a train.. its a cocktaily sorta dress... and i think i look really old and taller in it.. lol i hope i dont feel uncomfortable wearin it.. : its sorta revealing.. well not really but to me it is considerin the type of clothes i usually wear.. ohh and 1 bad thing about it is that i bought it from harts :( i 1st saw it in myer.. and i liked it.. and i kept lookin round n round and headed into harts when i saw it again and then i tried it on and then i really liked it so yeh i had to get it.. i cant wait till the formal.. and i still dont no who can do makeup.. and hair.. amy if ur sis is willing to come here then i wouldnt mind her doin makeup.. but im prob gona go get my hair done at a hairdresser..
ahh 2moros maths im meant to be studying :'( but i dont wanaaa. i hate mathssss.. im gona fail anywayz and im really annoyed that they dont show ur mark if its under 30.. and im gona hav this unknown result.. *waaaa* its so embarassing.. i no i should study but whats the point when its gona get kicked out?
im so hungry and got a headache.. ohh my aunty is rentin out this office space for her business in whethrill park in the industrial area.. any1 seen the bridal factory shops.. they have formal dresses in that block? its all the way down cowpasture road and u turn right at the huge roundabout n keep driving down... anywayz my dads been helpin her turn 1 large room into a few rooms.. been buildin walls n stuff.. and its sooo kool.. its painted blue with a sponge effect and it looks really cloudy and shes told me her design ideas and its gona b sooo pretty.. i wana work there after the hsc its gona b her showroom and stuff.. :) i hope she'd hire me..
lol i wana do so much after the hsc.. i duno wat im gona do 1st.. and i dont wana do everythin all at once coz then ill run outa things and watste my time..
my dads like washin his car.. but isnt there water restrictions still? oh well no1 tell on him and call the water restrictin patrol cars coz then he'll get in shit.. heehehehee
im growin so impatient i want the hsc to end rightt nowwwwwwwww.. lol legal on friday was good.. i was on BOS forum n ppl postin there answers for multiple choice and i think i got around 12/15 lol so im happy :D yay ok i better end this and go do sumthin.. maybe eat.. i duno.. sumthin anythin..

Q. Why is the alphabet in alphabetical order? A.The order is correlated with the lunar asterisms OR its just a coincidence.. OR that the alphabet came first and then the order came second.. comment ur ideas :) haha iwana c wat the best answer is.. and i wana no whos actually readin.. comment comment! even if i dont no who u r.. lolz :P i dont mind strangers readin my blog.. its ok.. haha
ANYHOO cya laterz... Samantha xoxox

I DONT KNOW :S

i duno why im blogging AGAIN.. but i am.. i need to keep busy.. im bored and i need to stimulise my mind.. am i happy? or am i overtired? i love rhetorical questions becoz they can be interpreted differently dependin on whos readin.. but only i when re-reading truely no how i was feeling at the time.. am i sad? am i confused? do i no where im gona be tomorow? am i confused about school? about my family? about my friends? my future? my tomorrow? my life? what am i doing and where am i going? do i feel as though im going crazy? am i worried? am i worried about my family? about my friends? about my life? about school? am i anxious? am i anxious to see what my future holds? about my future relationships with people? about my friends? am i scared? am i lost? ambivelant? depressed? mellow? cruisin? whats going on with my brain? r u gettin confused? do u no who i am? do u care about me? do u realise i exist? would u save me from myself? would u guide me through the world? would u look after me? am i regretful about my past? does my past bring horrible memories? memories that i enjoy? memories that make me happy? memories that will last forever? memories that have made me gain experiences? am i annoyed? am i annoyed at myself? at my family? at my life's situation? at my friends?
the answer to all these questions is I DONT KNOW.. these questions run through my mind 24/7.. i am constantly thinking.. i dont know what im thinking about and i dont know the answers to any of these questions. i wonder what kind of person i was and what person i have become.. "who i am, hates who ive been" or who i will become..i have been so lost and confused and this is how my life is. i am constantly in the ambivalent world.. not knowing whats to come. its not even a nice not knowing like a suprise.. this not knowing makes me anxious and my heart beats faster and i breathe heavier a lump forms at the back of my throat and i feel like crying. but then i dont becoz i no if i cry that i will be faced with alot more questions in my mind. id be questioned on the type of person i am.. and sometimes my brain isnt able to cope with all these thoughts.. and im scared to release my emotions in fear of new questions.. ones in which i have never faced before. a new unknown...

1 down.. 6 to go

i feel sick.. like im gona throw up.. not becoz of the hsc exams.. lol becoz i ate like a hamburger n chips.. and eww.. i feel gross.. to much oil..
anywayz yay english aos is now over :D only 6 more exams to go.. and i think the 1st ones always the hardest but then u get into the routine and the exams become less scary.. omg im like addicted to the bored of studies forum.. and im readin wat ppl thought of todays exam.. and some ppl wrote 1 and a half booklets.. 10 pages + omg.. i wrote like 3 and a half - section 1... 5 and a half - section 2.. and 4 and a half- section 3.. but my writing is small.. but still.. :(
anywayz yesterday i was so scared.. i hadnt studied.. and i had a really bad fever.. and my appendix hurt.. especially when i laughed.. and i laugh when im scared.. i become hysterical.. so yesterday i was in hysterics and in pain.. so very contradicting.. if thats the word.. its a paradox..
the exam was alright.. omg i cant wait till its all over.. i hate talkin about school all the time. its annoys me. and my room is so messy its not funny. i slept in amandas room last night coz of many reasons. 1. my bed is really uncomfortable lately 2.the light from outside it to bright. 3. my room is to messy 4. i was lonely :( lol na jokes about that..
yay its gona b over.. 'i am the master of disguise.. i am the master of disguise.. i am the master of disguise... ' hehe (master of disguise).. ohh i remember i watched step mum its sooo sweet and sad.. i like the quote about saying never.. never say never unless ur prepared to say never twice.. e.g ill neva neva forget u.. aww
my cuz is here.. hes 6.. he didnt go to school today coz he said hes sick.. hes wearin a spongebob t-shirt.. aww :D

язggаэтои Lатіио

Bailen, Yales
Muevan, Suden
Sientan el poder
del reggaeton latino
Bailen, Yales
Muevan, Suden
Sientan el poder
del reggaeton latino

ok i have no idea what those lyrics mean but im in luv with the song.. by Don Omar..
yeh. well today i did nuthing. as usual.. but it sorta finally hit me that my sisters start school on monday and im not going.. im sorta startin to freak out.. i havent studied at all.. and im fully serious.. not lying.. i dont know where my minds been lately but its as though i had fooled it into thinkin we have alot more than 9 days left till the hsc.. :S shit 9 days.. its so little when you see it written.. arghh *starts pullin hair out*

anywayz.. my 'holidays' have been boring. and weird. very weird. i have been very alone. maybe more than usual.. sorta isolated. the other night i sorta went very emotional and couldnt stop crying and i couldnt even remember why.. i think it was coz i read alot of my old entries and diary.. it was weird looking back on my life when it was only a few months ago. its really weird to see how much ive changed.. or how much ive learnt to cover my true identity.. at the beginning of last year i think i was secretive and very cautious about who i talked to about my problems and stuff.. slowly i got over that and began trusting people and would have looong conversations with people about my life and my issue...ive noticed recently that i have yet again changed.. ive become my old self again.. very cautious about who i talk to and what i talk about.. i think its probably because i dont want people to care. or overcare. or worry.. it makes me feel bad and very selfish. i hated talking to people because it would seem thats all i did.. - talk about my problems, talk about me, me.. me.. me.. i didnt like that.. i felt so selfish and self absorbed. well not really. not at the time.. now that i look back on it thats how i felt i WAS acting.. now that im more cautious and more.. happy.. if thats the word.. its as though a few people dont talk to me how they used to.. dont get me wrong my friends are beautiful and i love them.. its just other people who arent around me that often.. people i see once in awhile or talk to not so often..they seem to only talk to me when i have problems. maybe im not interesting when i dont wana talk about my issues. i mean its still me.. its just that im more sensored. and its not because i dont like you or because im ignoring you or i feel weird around you.. its just that im trying to change. i wana listen more to other people and quit talking about myself... these holidays are annoying me.. ive had to much time to think and as you can tell gone a lil crazy.. overthinking.. contemplating (my new fav word.. doesnt it sound smart? :D) yah..

anywayz another thing i wana talk or 'bitch' about.. its mostly about secrets and trust and stuff.. when im told a secret and told by the person to keep it to myself i keep it with me forever.. if a person tells me something that i feel should be kept a secret or i would want to keep it a secret then i also keep it.. but if someone tells me something about someone else.. i dont always repeat it but i do sometimes keep it to myself.but theres less emphasis on keeping something like that a secret.. ok now thats established.. what happens if someone tells you a secret and you agree to keep it secret.. you may not be that close as friends.. but yeh.. then the next day someone whos a lil closer to you goes to you 'guess what! blah blah blah and repeats the supposed 'secret'.. after u tell that person 'yeh i already knew'.. they get all annoyed u didnt tell them coz they r probably closer friends.. ok so what do you do. becoz it was a secret i wouldnt talk to that person about what i know and just listen to what they know and continue keeping it a secret.. but if that person found out through another person and not the secret teller itself.. would u tell the secret teller that ur frend found out from someone else.. or would u keep that too a secret? woah if anyone understood that i would appreciate your opinions.. if you didnt dont worry i didnt either :D

yah anywayz im really bored and killin time till im sleepy.. bye byez [1:01am]
xoxo samantha

...::: аятіfісіаℓ нарріиєѕѕ :::...

omg does any1 wana go see the merchants of bollywood. or is anyone already goin so i can go with uze.. i wonder how much it costs.. i would luv to go see it.. im startin to really like that whole indian feel to things.. is ashwaria ray (spell check) or wateva her name in it? there was a girl who looked like her..

соиfєѕѕіоиѕ оf а тєєиаgє dяама qчєєи

ok..the title of this blog is a tad dramatic.. but i wanted to make it interesting.. and i liked the movie.. its like a new beginning of my life is about to arrive.. as i close a chapter in my life it allows a new clean start.. i was inspired after reading i think it was akanshas site to make a similar 'sorry' page thingo.. its sorta hard for me and i guess for anyone to apologise for what they've done coz it involves you admitting that you have made mistakes or done somethin bad enough to apologise for it.. its sorta embarassing too because i may apologise for something that noone noticed.. which makes another problem and a cause for another apology..
Quote: 'im sorry for telling every1 u had diorehha and laughing and im sorry for just mentioning it again' (mean girls) duno the exact words but that one apology caused a reaction of many other apologies and im scared that if i apologise for one small tiny thing it will create the need for another and another..
maybe i should provide a disclaimer.. it is up to the individuals own discretion to further read..and if you do not want to accept the apology or you feel there was no need for the apology or if u once believed the situation did not exist.. then ignore.. hehe
hmmz where do i start.. so many people..ok maybe my family.. and then friends and net friends and other ppl...
mum.. sorry for not listenin to u, for yelling at u, for not helpin around the house more.. sorry for disappointing u..
dad.. sorry we dont get along.. sorry i hate u.. i dont.. i cant hate anyone hate it too strong of a word.. sorry i dont like u.. i dont.. 'i dont like u' is still too strong for me. im just sorry we arent able to sit in the same room for more then 2 mintues..
sisters. sorry for getting annoying and bossy.. i dont mean it im just tryin 2 look after uz.. sorry for bein overprotective at times.. its just me tryin to look out over uze..
nonorta.. sorry for gettin 'snappy' at u at times.. u annoy me greatly.. and im sorry im not able to tell u in words face to face exactly how i feel.. im sorry im not strong enough to tell u off for upsetting me.. im sorry i let u walk all over me.. im really sorry i let it get this far that even the smallest things u do can piss me off.. its just that uve hurt me in so many ways that i cant take it anymore.. im really sorry that because of this great annoyance i feel at times im not able to share that friendship we once had.. im sorry that u can probably feel this awkwardness i feel.. which causes u to dislike me and giv me those 'looks'.. i really sorry..
cuzinz.. sorry for not getting to no alot of you as much as i should have. im sorry that im not able to talk to a few of the older ones coz i feel intimidated by them making me shy.. im sorry im not a guy to go pick up chicks and go cruising with uz.. im sorry that u feel that u hav to be overprotective with me..
amy.. im so sorry that at times when i no u needed someone to talk to i didnt have the right words to talk to you.. im sorry that sometimes im not able to entertain you enough or to make you feel better.. im sorry that there are some things that you are not able to share with me.. i understand its private.. but i feel so bad that you hav to deal with things which can affect u at times..
prameeta.. im sorry that at times im not able to relate to you situations at home n stuff.. i just dont understand how someone can be so good.. but im glad that u do wat u do stayin true to yourself.. im sorry that i dont show u how much i like u :D i really do appreciate you friendship its just that i may not be as touchy or sensitive as you are.. im not able to express my thanks for all the times youve helped me i really do appreciate it and ill forever be greatful..
sheenal.. im so sorry that i never got to know you as well as i could have.. i guess we were beginning to get closer.. but im sorry i didnt get to see ur other side.. and maybe share a few more moments.. but its not over.. ill try as hard as i can to keep in contact coz ur a great friend i wouldnt wana lose..
steven.l.. im sorry that im stupid and that i can annoy u alot.. and im sorry for constantly telling u how overprotective u r over ur sister.. as a friend maybe i should try to see ur side of it other than taking ur sisters side.. im sorry that i dont tell u that ur hot and sexy like evry1 else.. hehe its just my inability to joke around just in case other people think im serious.. im sorry for being gullable and worrying what other people think of me..
chloe.. im sorry that awhile ago i had this major feeling that u didnt like me.. i dont no if it was true and i dont no if it still is true but im really sorry coz after i began to feel that my defenses came up and i started backing off.. im sorry that i didnt allow our friendship to grow
shelly.. im sorry that at times i would talk about u to other people about my growing concern that you were shoving people off and not allowing friendships to grow. im sorry i never tried to do anything about that..im sorry that you were never able to talk to me about anything.. and im really sorry for not even trying in the first place..
eunice.. im soo sorry that i was never able to get to know you better.. i can tell that you are a wonderful person.. and i wish that i had taken the time to talk to you a little longer..maybe even an extra few minutes to each conversation may hav made our friendship even stronger..
akansha.. im so sorry that at times i wasnt able to comfort you. im sorry that sometimes i knew something was wrong but i intentionally ignored it coz i didnt no wat to say.. im not too good with words.. im really sorry..
pamela.. im sorry that our friendship slipped over the years.. we were once great friends.. im sorry that you felt i had changed too much for us to remain close.. im sorry i wasnt able to tell you some things in my life but i felt you wouldnt be able to relate to me..
anna.. im sorry that you probably think im weird at times.. im sorry that the times you spent at our school before you left you felt you wernt able to trust anyone.. im also sorry that i think in yr 8 i broke the string off one of ur tops.. i still feel bad about that..
guillermo.. im sorry that i didnt get to know you at school as much as i could have.. im sorry for being weird and u giving me those weird looks..(every1 noes the msn emoticon.. the guil look.. *raises eyebrow*) sorry that its sometimes weird to talk to me..
michael.. im sorry that i did something to make u hate me.. im sorry that u felt u have to lie and tell people u dont remember me.. did i hurt u that much? im sorry that wat we had wasnt that great.. im sorry that i dont regret it though and that ill never forget u..
phillip.. im sorry that i wasted my time with u.. im sorry that i dont talk to you anymore.. im sorry that u lie to other people.. and try and flirt with my cuzin and use me to get to her.. im sorry that i liked u at one time..
belinda. im sorry that i didnt keep in contact as well as i should have.. we always plan to go out or meet up.. but it never seems to happen..im sorry that while u were at our skool our group would tease u.. i really cant remember y.. but im sorry..
moe... im sorry that i cant show how much i appreciate the friendship u have given me.. im sorry for making things awkward at times.. im sorry for being confused all the time.. im sorry that im not able to help u wen u need someone to talk to.. like ive said previously im not good with words.. im sorry i have burdend u with so much and yet u dont even complain.. im sorry that im not able to psychologise u and give u advice as well as u have given me.. im so sorry but i hope u no that u hav gained a frend from me for life no matter what..ill be ther 4 u
im sorry for anyone i have forgotten to apologise to.. im sorry for having reasons to apoloise.. i no that simply apologsing wont make me a better person.. but i hope it will help me realise what ican change to become a better person and someone that people can trust..
Friendship is like peeing in your pants.. everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth of it. thank u for being the pee in my pants..
yah... lol its 11:04pm. took me an hour to write this up...

lol one last thing.. im sorry this entry was sooo long.. =)

рℓєаѕє ряотєст мє

its 1:22am.. monday oct 2005.. or really late sunday nite.. its late. im tired. im bored. i feel sick. i feel like crying.

edit: http://spaces.msn.com/members/mzme/PersonalSpace.aspx?owner=1 <--my space