Turn Me On

Kevin Lyttle once sang: Turn Me On.. hehe.. at one time i absolutely hated the song, only becoz i really really loved the song once but then it had bad memories joined to it.. and the weird thing is that i keep hearing the song recently.. and memories r comin back.. n i guess it isnt that bad anymore..
Its Started..... i hate to admit, but i think that im beginning to lose contact with some friends.. well not really, but i feel so out of touch emotionally with them.. i just wish we could be back in legal or bio or under the tree or walkin to the canteen n just havin those weird but wonderful conversations.. i miss them so much.. i feel so lost without youuuu as Delta Goodrem once sang.. haha
I guess ive started to go a lil crazy as well.. and now im totally freakin out.. im obsessin about everythin.. n gettin really worried again.. peoples houses r now gettin robbed.. :S and im so scared that im gona lose all my stuff.. not stuff.. like my ipod or computer or anythin.. but like photos or memories.. little priceless things, sentimental things.. im so worried im gona lose them.. just like my weird fear of losing my memory.. arghh so scary... im sorta like that.. very clingy to stuff that i love.. i get really emotional when i break something i loved or really liked.. thats why i guess sometimes i take my time liking something.. or i dont over use something just in case..
right now: im thinkin bout what the point of me is.. what am i gona do with my life? like im so seriously scared.. wtf am i meant to do.. i hate bein put under pressure.. i dont work fast.. especially in making decisions.. coz i end up makin really stupid decisions and end up regreting stuff.. exactly like me and shopping.. i really hate to shop for stuff. im an impulse buyer, and i usually end up regretting what i buy.. even if its cheap stuff.. omg i 4get if ive written this or not, but a few weeks ago steven calculated how much ive spent over this year.. its like about over 4000 :( i dont even no where i got that money from.. *cries* im so stupid.. i coulda bought a car.. i have no idea where it went.. except for like my ipod, stereo.. and thats it.. oh and my hair.. and clothes.. n stuff here n there.. but no way could i have spent that much..!! (i think that total included my chicken tenders with no lettuce and tomato sauces for like a year) OMG i just realised.. i ATE my money!.. ewww... gross... next year im gona save.. today i opened an account where im not allowed to touch any money lolz.. the fees are way to high.. withdrawal is like 2.50.. so im not allowed to touch it.. and yeh.. hopefully it will help me save..
today was meant to be like 37 degrees.. so hot..! but i was at my grandmas house.. lucky hers got air con.. we spent the day baking.. we made fortune cookies.. lolz.. im so proud of them.. except for the fact that theres none left.. my lil cuzin josh ate them all!.. he got about 10 fortunes.. omg hes so cute! hes starting to read.. and he was tryin to read all the fortunes.. aww how cute.. lol one of the fortunes.. my favourite.. (coz i wrote it) "if you eat this cookie you will get salmonella" hehe.. hes like whats salmonella? hehe aww jareh him..
hmmz anywayz my days are being wasted not decidin on my future but goin out with my family, n friends occasionaly..oh and playing the SIMS 2 NITELIFE like every single day for hours.. n yeh.. boring as.. oh and who wants to go the valley maccas n just sit there 4 the whole day? or go to the park across the st.. haha good old times.. back in the day.. awwwwwww its like so in the past.. :(
ok way too long entry.. rambles rambles rambles..
bye byez mwahz mwahz
luv Sam.. xoxo

edit.. OMGGGGG i 4gottttt today was my parents 20th anniversary.. omg every1 forgot!! my parents didnt even remember.. i just remembered.. omg how sad.. but lucky we already gave them their pressie on xmas.. my mum was so happy.. hehe =) yay

Merry Xmas Eve

Merry Xmas Eve.. and Merry Xmas for 2moro... =]

clap your hands

if u feel shit and u no it clap ur hands
*claps hands*
arghh i cant get outa this mood. im constantly feeling like im about to cry, im sad. when i try to smile, i get tears in my eyes. omggg arghh *slaps myself* i cant get out of this mood. ive become snappy and im really sorry if im annoying. and if it is coz im feeling sorry 4 myself im sorry about that to. i just wish there was some1 who could just be there 4 me n i would feel safe and know that id b alright.
friends ask you how u r.. good friends ask whats wrong.. hehe cute quote.. im luvn my friends atm. thats about it..
ps.. it was my sisters 16th bday.. happy bday manda

..

i duno what im writing. i feel shit. guilty, sad. regretful, nervous.embarassed.jealous and many more unidentifiable feelings. ive cried. ive laughed. ive become hysterical. and thats all just in the past two days. i duno how im feeling. i duno wat im going to do. its the fact that i didnt like my uai mark. and only because i feel really stupid now, coz like ok yr 11 and 12. there r 2 types of people. those who try really hard, work hard, get good marks. and those who just fly through the years doin work here n there. goin school every now and again, partying, goin out, drinkin, drugs. all that shit. and they dont expect to get good marks they just do it for the fun of it. from what i see. im not sure i tried my hardest, but i guess i belonged in the 1st group. but i didnt get good marks. i mean my marks were ok. but i was expecting more. only because i saw myself in that first group. i tried. i shoulda got heaps better. i no some people who belonged in the second group and did alot better than me, that makes me feel even more shit. they got everything. its so not fair. i feel like the biggest idiot.. i dont even have any talents or things that im good at. i dont have a job. i have no experience. wtf am i gona do. i wish i had a talent like amy. shes so creative she can draw she can paint. shes smart. she can achieve so much. she noes what shes good at and she wants to do it. so that will make her successful. it could take her years but shell get there. my cuzin who belongs in the 2nd group didnt even become eligible for a hsc. but guess what hes gona do. hes gettin to take over his mums business the day he turns 18, he has a job, he parties, he has a car, he has a life. and he also has his own ambitions. he has talents. hes the greatest cartoonists ive known. argh so jealous. i dont have anythin im good at. i dont even no wat i want to do. my uncle told me my marks were bad, and then he goes i like u, ur intelligent. an insult followed by a compliment. thats so confusing. my mums pretendin to be happy. and using excuses such as u were stressed it was way to competitive. im not happy. but im not showing it. im acting as if its fine. i mean i have no right to be upset. i did alright. its just me bein stupid and jealous. but i guess ive been upset for awhile. even b4 we got our results. i hadnt cried for a really long time. for about a couple of months. and recently. ive become emotional again. crying. i guess its that build up. of hate. annoyance. scared. worrying about everything. i guess thats my worst thing. i worry. i keep worryin about both my sisters, both with different problems. 1 who has some sort of medical thing that no1 will tell me what the doctor said. wtf am i gona do. im so scared. sheddin tears and remeniscing about my past. i just feel really alone. i duno who to talk to. i feel really guilty talkin to my friends. they have their own lives. i dont want to burden them with my problems. and sometimes some of them make me feel worse. tellin me i did ok. i will be ok. i no i will.. but i duno.. i just feel like crying whenever some1 tells me that. i feel alone i guess. and on top of that ive been constanly feeling sick. everytime i eat something. i feel like throwing up. when i think of food i feel sick. my mum thinks its the tablets im on for my skin but im not sure. could be the weather or stress.. and my fucken pimples r gettin bad again. my skin is really gross and oily. and my hair is gettin curly again. i wana get it done. but i duno when. this entry is long sounds like an essay with no paragraphs and no intro and alot of bitching and complaining
in conclusion, i feel shit.

HSC Results....

ohh.. in just 6 and a half hours.. 66000 people in NSW are gona get their hsc results. im so scared. atm im contemplating stayin up the whole nite to keep steven company.. im not sure yet. hes gona call at 1.. my parents wake up at 5:30 anywayz.. so they r gona b around me while i get my results. and i dont want any1 2 c. so i guess theres no point. i should wait till 6:30 when i get them sms to me.. but i dont even wana leave my fone on.. maybe i should turn it off.. and sleep until sunday.. that was i wont get any results at all.. im so scared im gona cry.. lol.. just so nervous.. and really disappointed.. i no that i didnt do my best. and im really worried my mum is gona b 2 supportive of me no matter what i get. id rather yell at me and tell me off that i did bad then act all nice and say its ok.. that just makes me feel worse. i hate it.. makes me feel guilty.. especially when she says atleast u tried ur best.. when i didnt..:( arghh regrets.. but if i was given the chance to do it again. i wouldnt. its way too stressful. i didnt even notice how stressed i was until it was over. and now the stress is comin bak.. im already guaranteed a band 1 in chem and maths.. seeing that i didnt study for maths at all for about 2 months.. and chem.. even when i try in chem i still fail.. so yeh.. im screwed for the overall uai. : i just want it to hurry up and it be over with.. like pulling a bandaid or waxing.. but they really hurt.. waxing always seems to leave bruises.. so yeh.. im gona be scared(thats spelt scared its meant to be scar with a -d? how do u spell?) anywayz.. im mite go read a few books till 1am.. i realised i can read a small novel in about 1-2 hours.. lol.. yay.. im gona get throw alot tonight if i decide to stay up.. which i probably wont coz my eyes are already closing.. anywayz im rambling..
mwahz.. xoxo
Samz
ps.. prameeta ur the best.. mwahz thanx heapssss =)
edit: 12:08am.. i will not be stayin up all nite. id be an idiot to even consider it.. nite nite

Dreams

Have you ever had a dream in which you could actually feel? ive been having alot of 'feeling' dreams. a couple nights ago i had one in which i had put somethin in my mouth which was pulling down onto my teeth. it hurt so much and i could actually feel the pain in my dream. if i think about it now i can still remember what it felt like. last night i had a dream there was a really big flood. and my dog was outside.. and i had to quickly bring him inside.. and as soon as i closed the door.. all the water came onto the window.. and i could feel the pressure from outside..i went upstairs and looked out of the window where there was more water. it was soo scary. i could actually feel that i was scared. and when i think about it now i can still feel the same type of stress and scardness *dejavu*
anywayz i looked those things up in a dream dictionary...
Pain: To dream that you are inflicting pain to yourself, indicates that you are experiencing some overwhelming turmoil or problems in your waking life. You are trying to disconnect yourself from your reality by concentrating on the pain that you inflicted to yourself.
Mouth To see a mouth in your dream, signifies your need to express yourself or talk about an issue that's bothering you. On the other hand, perhaps you have said too much and you need to keep your mouth shut.
Flood: To see a raging flood with its muddy debris, signifies that you will have much unsettling occurrences and tribulations in life. Your repressed emotions may be overwhelming you.
Dog: To see a dog in your dream, indicate a skill that you have ignored or forgotten, but needs to be activated. Alternatively, dogs may symbolize intuition, loyalty, generosity, protection, and fidelity. Your own values and intentions will enable you to go forward in the world and succeed.
Water: To see water in your dream, symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy. It is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing and refreshment. If you are splashed by water, then it represents your need to be revitalized and more expressive
ok.. so from all these dream definitions. my dream is about....? tadum dum dahhh... i have supressed emotions and also skills that ive lost or forgotten. my emotions need to be let out and expressed. no to find out what these emotions are about...

Nothin Lasts Forever

nothin ever promised tommorrow today,
nothin lasts forever but be honest babe,
it may hurt but it may be the only way.

sometimes you think ur happy until somethin happens to remind you that ur bak in that mental state of nothingness. i was crusin along. relaxin. no worries. just enjoyin my time. but then i get reminded that we get our results on friday. and then u hav an argument with ur family and then everythin goes bak to how it used to be. yesterday i was soo pissed off..i was at my grandmas house havin a 'discussion' with my dad.. and then my dad's sister.. my aunty. started to say shit in front of me about me.. sayin that im stubborn and i dont listen. she had no rite to talk like that about me. so i told her. not directly to her. but i sorta said loudly to myself. 'what me? stubborn? and i dont listen? wtf u hav no rite to say thatabout me u dont even no me. u dont no how i act. i wana go home.' i had a short tantrum. she pissd me off.. she doesnt no anythin n she sits their judgin me and sayin stuff about me. i dont listen and im stubborn? just becoz i dont let ppl say shit about me or put me down. i stand up for myself she thinks i dont listen and im stubborn. ignorance pisses me off. i dont care if she is my aunty. she doesnt respect me so why should i to her? i dont let my dad talk 2 me like that so what makes any1 think id let my aunty, some1 who i dont see that often. arghh *lets it all out*
so havin arguments with ppl. worryin about my sister. ppl talkin n tellin me stuff.. so i should be worried. but then i look at her n shes ok.. i duno who to believe. if i ignore what they say n sumthin happens? if i confront her n its nuthin?
arghh im such a bum every1s doin somethin.. every1s workin. my cuz who didnt work that hard at school is gettin his mums business the day he turns 18.. hes so lucky.. y is it so easy for some ppl? its not fair. wtf am i gona do with my life. i dont even wana do business at uni anymore. and its not like im even gona get in.. and if i do i dont really wana do it.. i dont wana make the same mistake n pick somethin that i think will be interestin but im totally shit in.. and its gona b borin.. like chem.. : i hav no idea what i wana do.
nothin lasts forever. i have to be woken up from my dream land. and do somethin. get over it. and move on. or ignore all the reminders or reality and continue livin in the top layer of the sky. which 1s betta?

Joseph Conrad Once Wrote:

Who knows what true loneliness is — not the conventional word but the naked terror? To the lonely themselves it wears a mask. The most miserable outcast hugs some memory or some illusion. And as we strain to grasp things the things we desire, the things we think will make our lives better – money, popularity, fame. We ignore what truly matters. The simple things like friendship, family, love. The things we probably already had. And no one wants to end up lonely and sad. As Octavio Paz once wrote: solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition. Man is the only being that knows he is alone.