the one where sam doesnt have a bday

hehe oh wellz.. there goes my plans for havin a bday party.. reasons being my dad wont let me.. this is what my mum told me.. and this is the 2nd time she asked.. i dont want any problems, and im really really tired of arguing.. and i no if i end up havin a bday party without him knowing as some of my cuzinz suggested, somthin will go wrong.. and its not good havng my mum lie for me.. its not fair for her.. so i guess im gona start acting mature, and act as my age and just let it go.. i mean if it was meant 2 happen it would have.. im not sayin im not pissed.. coz i really am.. but i just figured; i cant always be pissed off when i dont get my way.. coz then ill be known as the 'pissy' girl.. 2moro i gota get my money back from the bond.. hmmz cant think anymore.. i like that quote from my previous entry.. i guess im not gona think about the future.. and live in the moment.. which means i better get going.. wana wake up early enough 2 go 2 maccas 4 brekkie
luv Samz
xoxo

the one with the friends

so my days are spent watchin friends episodes.. watchin tv, computering, playn games, eating and sleeping.. HOW EXCITING! *rolls eyes*
Lucas on One Tree Hill once quoted someone, whos name i didnt catch.. and they said: Do not look back and grieve in the past for it is gone;and do not be troubled about the future for it has yet to come; live in the present and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering
ok.. thats where i will leave it for today.. short and sweet

problems

i have problems, and i dont think id ever be able to admit that in person. sometimes i really need to talk to someone but i cant becoz i worry what they will think of me. so instead i keep it in. lately ive been extremely moody and emotional and angry and all sorts of things. and i dont know what to do. i yell alot, i stress over everythin and just about cry at every little thing that could happen. my mouth keeps asking for help, but my brain doesnt know what it needs help with. i worry and stress about organisation. i need to know every detail if im gona go out, as soon as something goes wrong like if i start running late, i stress and cry, and take even longer. today i had a good cry about buying this ugly dress under pressure. i liked it, tryed it on, but new i didnt need a dress, and i still bought it. wore it to nevadas bday party 2nite.. felt so uncomfortable in it and i know ill never wear it again. and i cried becoz 1 of my cuzinz have been tellin his cuzinz about my party and been invitin all these people, some really young. and i cried coz i feel really guilty becoz i know i wasnt going to invite them. and i cry, and cry.. and i yell at my sisters. and then i feel so bad at yellin i cry some more. its like my whole body is confused, my brain is tryin 2 tell me sumthin but i dont get it, i become confused and i dont no wat to do. so i cry. im not the same person anymore. i used to b able to organise stuff.. work everythin out, write it down. but i cant. my grandma went into hospital the other day, and i didnt even make time to visit her, and i cried. i was so scared. shes out now, but she isnt that much better, and i still havent seen her yet.. im so scared about 2moro that i cry, every 2day looks at tomorrow with fear. i need someone to talk to, i really need someone to tell me its going to be ok.. i ask my mum to help me organise my party n stuff, but i get so frustraated becoz she doesnt get me. i know shes tryn to help, but i duno,.. i get so annoyed.. things with my dad arent any better, they just seem to get worse and worse.. i avoid talking to him as much as possible, but he goes out of his way to get me angry. he says completely stupid and rude things just to piss me off.. its unbearable.. he also goes out of his way to stop me from doin anythin.. make me feel guilty.. the other day i asked my mum if she could make me a sandwich... i neva eva ask her, but she had just made my dad around 5.. so i asked.. and he yelled at me so bad.. i was so pissed. called me lazy and said i didnt care about her.. i mean how stupid and hypocritical.. she had just made him a few sandwiches.. but its ok 4 him?? arghh
at nevadas bday 2day.. sittin bak n watchin.. i didnt fit in.. at all..the ppl all typical assyrians.. i didnt no how to act.. so i just walked around,, didnt talk much.. just sat there till the end.. i felt so uncomfortable.. watchin how the girls flirt with the guyz, and danced with them. and tickeled them and all that sorta stuff.. they all knew each other.. i didnt no any1.. arghh and my cuz said shell introduce me to ppl and stay with me and stuff.. but she wasnt around much.. n her introductions were her yellin out to me sayin 'sam thats blah' 'blah thats sam' and thats it.. argh i dont even no wat im talking about, i just need to let it out, i need to talk to someone.. its 1:30am though.. who the hell can i talk 2? arghh and i feel like cryin so much.. i dont even no why.. and 2moro when i think back to today or read this ill cringe.. i always do. it seems as though after days pass, i just 4get this.. until it happens again.. my life is a circle, and nothin ever gets solved.. its just like puttin a bandaid over the problem.. its hiding, its never really gone is it? and if it is ur left with a scar..

Someone Else..

lately, ive been someone else.. im me.. but im the other me.. the annoying 1.. the one who does stuff and acts in a weird way.. i guess its emotional me.. i cant believe but i started crying outa nowhere at my cuzinz house.. all becoz i didnt no if i wanted to go shopping or not.. omg! wata freak.. who cries over that.. i guess i was just really tired and a lil hungry.. like a baby..
oh that reminds me.. i found the perfect analagy (not sure if its the right word) to describe how i feel in life at the moment.. im like a baby.. a baby cant talk yet and noone can understand it.. it cries and cries and noone noes why, and no1 seems to understand whats wrong. thats how i feel.. as though no1 can understand me. and i guess that makes me frustrated..
so yeh i got into uni.. although its at a 'crap' uni.. im soo happy.. i dont care if its crap, got a bad rep, is ugly.. im just so happy that i got in.. im doin a bachelor of business (management) at Parramatta campus.. that was my first preference so yeh :) very happy.. i think they lowered the cut-off for that coz i was off by a few marks.. i thought id miss out n get my 2nd 1.. but yay now i can go parra westfields all the time.. hot guyz *wink wink* hehe
yeh.. anywayz im really tired.. *yawns*
bye bye
Samz xoxo

edit: i keep 4gettin 2 mention that im gona go watch a taping of 'wheel of fortune' next friday..
Looking for fun free things to do around Sydney?
Why not be part of the studio audience for one of Australia's most popular game shows.
Channel Seven offers travellers FREE tickets to the recording of Wheel of Fortune.
Tickets are free, but bookings are essential. To reserve your tickets please call 1800 24 7777.
Wheel of Fortune is filmed at the Channel Seven Studios, Mobbs Lane, Epping NSW.

so any1 interested.. goooo!! plz plz.. hehe and btw dont ask y im even going.. got no clue.. just saw the ad and decided to.. its a once in a lifetime thing
oh yeh i just remembered.. slept ova cuzinz place yesterday.. n she had this 1000 piece puzzle.. and now i really really feel like doin 1.. so i might go buy 1 2moro..

'supposed' ppl who 'care' about me.. *cough*bullshit*cough*

why are people dicks? im just so pissed off.. all the liars and people who hide stuff.. argh.. i mean y do ppl feel they have to lie to avoid sumthin.. like i was talkin to some1.. not mentionin names coz they mite read this.. anywayz this person went somewhere yesterday.. and they didnt tell me who they went with.. then i talked to the other person n she asked me what i did yesterday, i replied nuthin u? n she replied she went to the same place as the other person. but with 'skool friends' im like yeh i no that other person told me.. n she changed the subject.. then she started sayn how much fun it was.. n then i asked who else went with u? n shes goes ohh i gota go.. bye. bullshit.. it was only the 2 of u.. y not tell me?.. got a guilty conscience for not invitin me? its not like i care anywayz.. its just rude for people to pretend they r ur frend n wana do stuff with u.. when they neva do what u wana do n they dont invite u anywhere. only call when u need sumthin pftt neva again am i gona help... just pisses me off so much that i try! y? y do i try? its not like i need uze i dont need ppl like u.. argh.. fakers.. y fake it.. y do i constantly try to talk to people only to be replied rudely.. or without care.. thats a really big fault of mine.. trusting people and liking people who dont even consider me on their level.. thats another thing i hate! how people think they are above u.. or better than u.. :S i hate it.. make me feel so small.. people who say they r my frend and then i neva hear from them again, IM the 1 who has to start the conversation, invite people out.. I have to do EverythinG! :S it gets so annoying, only becoz some ppl start taking advantage of that.
arghhhh fuck life.. theres no point to it.. try livin day by day is the only option..
*screams* arghh i have so much to blog about.. been gettin really pissed off recently.. and really easily.. its just gettn so annoying.. my sister.. well.. every1 knows im the oldest.. ppl hav been telln me try n get closer to them, talk to them.. maybe theyll tell u stuff.. i try.. i play ro coz nat plays.. but shes so annoying.. and in a completely bad way.. its embarassing.. she plays ro.. and she goes on the forum.. and writes all this crap.. ok so yeh ppl need to express themselves.. thats y i blog.. but she writes all this crap on an open forum 4 every1 to read.. and then what she writes can reflect on me..and people think im the 'bad guy' 'i dont care' wateva.. lorenzo goes to me.. 'ohh ur sis loves the forum.. a lil 2 much..' omg.. every1 reads stuff.. and i have to put up with it.. and then i have to stick up 4 her when ppl say stuff.. arghh and she talks 2 amy and kathryn as if theyre her frends.. and everytime i walk past she closes the convo.. i mean ok.. so talk 2 them.. but y hide stuff from me.. she even had the nerve to say.. 'i dont think kathryn wants u 2 no'.. oh yeh wateva.. ill find out wateva it is later.. and she does it on purpose.. i try.. but she rejects me.. so wtf am i meant 2 do.. and if i say i dont care and i give up.. every1 else will say how im a bad sister n stuff..arghh so annoying.. y do i try? with my 'supposed' friends, 'cuzinz', even my 'sisters'... when all i get is rudeness and rejection.. i get ignored.. whyy????
arghh so people dont talk to me.. and when i give up trying.. ima bitch.. and a snob.. oh yeh my aunty frequently calls me a snob coz i dont come over.. i dont c her daughters comin over my place.. y should i try when no1 else does?
gettin more annoyed writin this.. so better stop..
oh yeh and my birthday is givin me the shits.. booked a place on the 4th march.. but my dad wont let me have it.. doesnt get what a birthday is.. sees it as a waste of money.. he never told me that.. coz my mum does all my talkin 4 me coz hed just yell at me.. but yeh.. ill prob will hav it.. but i dont wana organise it.. and every1 keeps puttin their input into the planning.. and its turnin into sumthin i dont want.. my cuzinz dont even want me havin it at the place i booked.. they had good reasons y.. but arghh i hate organising.. :S
oh and im invited to a party on sat.. i wana go n drink alcohol.. but my sister is invited 2.. and i cant act how i would normally act.. i cant talk 2 guys.. coz shed b there.. arghh i hate it.. its no fun havin a littler sister hangin around u.. even if she is only a year n a half younger.. and that makes it worse! every1 expects us to hang around each other n b 'friends'.. she gets 2 do everythin i do.. and its so unfair.. im older than her! and arghhh
oh yeh steven told me 2 blog about reminiscing stuff from school.. most of it was funny.. but the rest was embarassing.. remember the time when pamela threw his glasses in the puddle.. or the time belinda called him bookworm and they had the biggest fight in geography.. ok wateva.. not in mood reminiscing..
bleh... totally brain lag..
bye Samz

the internet is an alternate reality in which i have died.

so, as the title suggests.. i feel as though the internet is an alternate reality, in which i onced live in. recently i feel as though i dont belong. i dont come 'online' as often as i once did, i dont talk to any1, today i started to play ro again, but i feel as though i dont belong, and when amy left me coz she was tired, i felt lonely on the game lolz.. how sad.. I dont belong in that alternate reality i had once created for myself, my escape, my comfort zone. the people in it have also left, and i have been misplaced. my reality is now my life, but i fear that my reality is a waste of time. im not doing anything with it. i feel as though i have no purpose. i dont belong in reality. if i dont belong in my alternate reality, or my real reality of life.. where do i belong? i dont seem to fit in with people. i have lost who i am, who i was is not who i am today. i once was smart, a typical nerd.. well not typical - no glassed. i was happy. today i would be so happy if someone called me smart or a nerd. how i long to have a meaning, a description, even a stereotype if i have to. just as long as i know what i am. im not smart. my family dont get along with me. my dad still hates me. my sisters dont talk to me about anything. i think theyre scared of me. if they are scared of me does that define me as a scary person? is that what i am? my school friends are my good friends.. but as all people in the past have witnessed, high school friends rarely keep in contact. those that i have kept in contact with i think will remain my good friends for years to come, but there are those few who have slipped away. however i dont always fit in with my school friends.. im not as smart, as talented, have the same interests and likes, share many hobbies.. im not like any1 else.. my out of school friends, who are completely different people - different types of people, different group of people. are not my type of people.. i dont seem to fit in with them, they may be loud, i may be loud, but i cannot be loud around them. they are very social, i like to be social, but im not around them. im quiet. so if i cant even be myself, that means im not fitting in and i dont belong.. every night, all i do is think, think about the day, think about what i want, how im gona get it, what im here for, what im gona do with the rest of my life. sometimes i think that to be happy is to buy the things you want and need.. but that just makes me feel worse. i feel like a superficial person for thinking like that. i know that life isnt about 'things', its meant to be about love and friendship. but seeing that love and friendship is harder to get than buying 'things', id rather spend my money. have short spands of happiness instead of that eternal type. today i went and watched rumour has it and i remember a quote from it - really stood out.. 'be present' or sumthin. this is what i realised i try to do. it means to always live in the moment and try and be happy. dont think about the future. i try and try to 'be present' but to be present means keeping yourself busy and happy, im not able to keep busy so i think, and then i live in the future, in my brain and thoughts. i just wish someone gave me all the answers im looking for, someone could tell me what to do with my life, someone could give me some meaning, someone could care about me and take my life iand all that burden into their hands so i didnt have to worry. is this life a dream world? can people possibly be that happy? is it possible? that hope for possibibilty keeps me sane i guess. but when? when will i have all those things? a life full of no worries and meaning? and people who really cared about me, for me and just me.?

=S

im so freakin bored!

Mean Girls/Guyz

so today.. was nice and cold.. relaxing day.. haha mean girls is such a good movie.. was on the fone with steven n he wanted to do 3-way with someone.. but he wanted to bitch about me n c what they say.. i didnt wana.. but it was interesting.. he called pamela.. n started bitchin about me.. kept sayin how stupid i was and all that.. and yeh.. her reaction to some things he said were a lil.. but yeh.. wateva.. anywayz she realised i was there when he asked her if she liked me.. she was like is she at ur house? thats when i stepped in and said no.. lol i felt so guilty.. i felt bad that we were tricking her.. i sorta feel guilty.. but it was fun.. i would hate to be on the other line or a 3-way call without knowing.. omg.. haha.. me and my bigmouth lol.. anywayz on that call i found out steven told pam sumthin bout me that i told him not 2 say 2 any1.. and then he denied it.. and i believed that he didnt tell her.. but i feel really bad that he lies/jokes so often that i dont believe/trust him entirely.. like i do.. more than alot of ppl.. but i still hav that doubt hes gona tell ppl stuff.. but who cares i have dirt on him so its ok.. hehehe
i was about to blog about other stuff.. but decided to keep this entry happy.. after all this is the new year :P so yep.. all smiles..
xoxo