rainy days

its been awhile since i have blogged/ranted pointlessly.. Right now i feel very frustrated.. I hate it when people 'compliment' me on being a "top chick" friggen hell.. If im such a top chick then why am i single..? I get it from everyone.. That im nice or im sweet or the worst one:cute.. What ur really saying is that ur butt ugly but i dont wanna be mean so ill say that you look interesting and weird like a baby.. Lol yeah just annoys me.. Id rather get told the truth than a fake compliment.. Why bother being nice to me if ur just not that into me? Grr dont use me as a standby till somethin better comes along.. Im not a bus stop seat.. U cant sit on me till somethin comes and picks you up and takes you somewhere special.. Leaving me stuck cemented to the ground..
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sleep

i havent slept in my room/bed all year.. Im back here now.. I forgot how safe my room was :)

dimensia

its my day off work.. I woke up at around 10:30.. It was hot.. I woke up atleast two times in the middle of the night coz of bad dreams. I had many options of things to do today but i chose nothin.. Now im lying on the couch watchin greys anatomy.. My grandma is over.. She comes over atleast once a week.. And shes sitting there mumbling to herself. Praying to god.. Saying her sons and daughters name. Confused as to where she is. She calls my mum her sisters name.. Sometimes she gets it right like just now she called my mum and i asked what she wanted and she said your mum.. My dad sometimes asks her if she knows who i am.. She often doesnt know. And when he tells her.. She says ohh ok.. But i dont think she actually knows.. She just humours him.. Last time she was close.. And i think she thought it was 10 years ago and she said she thought i was younger/smaller..its really sad.. N everyone copes differently. I think my mum is taking it hard. Shes hardly ever in the same room as her.. Id do anything not to be here right now. But i feel obligated to be here coz i dont wanna regret any time wasted.. I need to escape.. I want someoone to call me to go out. I should have gone out..
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Used to be

i went fishing last night at a few beaches in wollongong. Got back at 8 this morning. It was fun.. Got to see the sunrise. Its weird how it was only some hours ago but feels like a lifetime ago..
For some reason today has been an odd day. I feel how i used to feel.. Or not really. Its hard to explain, but its like im actually feeling and not bloking. Maybe its coz i didnt get much sleep and its harder to close up.. But it hurts.. And i vowed to never feel like that again but i am and i cant control it.
I just wish everything was how it used to be and not so complicated. I wish that i could just let it all out and forget everythin thats happened. All the arguments and pain.. Regret and tears. What was the point if nothing is fixed. Its just a bandaid.. Its like what u want and what you do contradict each other.. Its confusing.. I know what i want.. To be how it used to be.. But better.. We should be able to learn and grow continually gettin better - not learn,stop and retreat.. Its too confusing..
You used to be................. ... .. .

welcome 2009

im blogging on my phone.. I just found out how to use wireless internet on my phone.. yay that means i can go on the net when im on my break at work.. Anywayz its a new year.. I feel new. Like i had an epiphany.. Ive realised what i wanna do.. But i cant just snap my fingers and make changes.. Its all gotta happen over time... Im goin fiji in june.. Yay :) hrmm anywayz this is taking heaps long to type on my phone.. Will update when i get my laptop fixed..

Practical Magic

"Sometimes I feel there's a hole inside me; an emptiness that, at times, seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, probably you could hear the ocean... I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still, sometimes when the wind is warm or the crickets sing I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I've had my happiness... Can love travel back in time and heal a broken heart? I'd like to think so." -Sandra Bullock, Practical Magic

DITTO

Roaring Twenties

Everyone book my birthday in for the Saturday 28th of Feb, 08. Its a Joint 21st 1920's Themed Ball. Official invites will be out sometime by the end of this year. Ever since i booked it, ive been googling galore.. costumes, wigs, accessories. Im really excited, i cant wait! Think moulin rouge, flappers, mobsters, molls, gangstas. Really suave, feathers, pearls, fake guns etc.
Anywayz ive been working.. as usual. it seems like ive forgotton alot or pushed out alot of things. Ive been busy, and havent had time to think. Which is good. But im scared i might break soon. Its hard to act strong, especially when inside i feel like breaking. Hrmmm but oh wellz, theres no point dwelling on it now.
This year i aimed to go on a holiday, get braces, and get my green p's and i pretty much did all that, plus more. I need to start thinking of a new years resoultion, something good, realistic etc... i know for sure i want to resolve old friendships.
I wish we were back in the twenties, at a speakeasy, just hanging out.. not a care in the world. Hahah except for:
The rise of radical political movements amid the economic and political turmoil after WW1 and after the stock market crash such as communism and fascism & Prohibition of alcohol occurs in the United States in the 1920s. Organized crime related to the illegal sale of alcohol booms in the period such as by Chicago mafia leader Al Capone
But the 1920's were the age where women were given the right to vote, so i guess 1920s was the time to be a woman. Such a beautiful period of time... haha hopefully i dont get over the 20's too soon, but every1 has to be in costume! u have like 2 whole months notice + more. haha anywayz i have to stop obsessing over this stuff, but atleast its a good distraction.. Anywayz back to watching Charmed.. about halfway through the whole series..
:D