соиfєѕѕіоиѕ оf а тєєиаgє dяама qчєєи

ok..the title of this blog is a tad dramatic.. but i wanted to make it interesting.. and i liked the movie.. its like a new beginning of my life is about to arrive.. as i close a chapter in my life it allows a new clean start.. i was inspired after reading i think it was akanshas site to make a similar 'sorry' page thingo.. its sorta hard for me and i guess for anyone to apologise for what they've done coz it involves you admitting that you have made mistakes or done somethin bad enough to apologise for it.. its sorta embarassing too because i may apologise for something that noone noticed.. which makes another problem and a cause for another apology..
Quote: 'im sorry for telling every1 u had diorehha and laughing and im sorry for just mentioning it again' (mean girls) duno the exact words but that one apology caused a reaction of many other apologies and im scared that if i apologise for one small tiny thing it will create the need for another and another..
maybe i should provide a disclaimer.. it is up to the individuals own discretion to further read..and if you do not want to accept the apology or you feel there was no need for the apology or if u once believed the situation did not exist.. then ignore.. hehe
hmmz where do i start.. so many people..ok maybe my family.. and then friends and net friends and other ppl...
mum.. sorry for not listenin to u, for yelling at u, for not helpin around the house more.. sorry for disappointing u..
dad.. sorry we dont get along.. sorry i hate u.. i dont.. i cant hate anyone hate it too strong of a word.. sorry i dont like u.. i dont.. 'i dont like u' is still too strong for me. im just sorry we arent able to sit in the same room for more then 2 mintues..
sisters. sorry for getting annoying and bossy.. i dont mean it im just tryin 2 look after uz.. sorry for bein overprotective at times.. its just me tryin to look out over uze..
nonorta.. sorry for gettin 'snappy' at u at times.. u annoy me greatly.. and im sorry im not able to tell u in words face to face exactly how i feel.. im sorry im not strong enough to tell u off for upsetting me.. im sorry i let u walk all over me.. im really sorry i let it get this far that even the smallest things u do can piss me off.. its just that uve hurt me in so many ways that i cant take it anymore.. im really sorry that because of this great annoyance i feel at times im not able to share that friendship we once had.. im sorry that u can probably feel this awkwardness i feel.. which causes u to dislike me and giv me those 'looks'.. i really sorry..
cuzinz.. sorry for not getting to no alot of you as much as i should have. im sorry that im not able to talk to a few of the older ones coz i feel intimidated by them making me shy.. im sorry im not a guy to go pick up chicks and go cruising with uz.. im sorry that u feel that u hav to be overprotective with me..
amy.. im so sorry that at times when i no u needed someone to talk to i didnt have the right words to talk to you.. im sorry that sometimes im not able to entertain you enough or to make you feel better.. im sorry that there are some things that you are not able to share with me.. i understand its private.. but i feel so bad that you hav to deal with things which can affect u at times..
prameeta.. im sorry that at times im not able to relate to you situations at home n stuff.. i just dont understand how someone can be so good.. but im glad that u do wat u do stayin true to yourself.. im sorry that i dont show u how much i like u :D i really do appreciate you friendship its just that i may not be as touchy or sensitive as you are.. im not able to express my thanks for all the times youve helped me i really do appreciate it and ill forever be greatful..
sheenal.. im so sorry that i never got to know you as well as i could have.. i guess we were beginning to get closer.. but im sorry i didnt get to see ur other side.. and maybe share a few more moments.. but its not over.. ill try as hard as i can to keep in contact coz ur a great friend i wouldnt wana lose..
steven.l.. im sorry that im stupid and that i can annoy u alot.. and im sorry for constantly telling u how overprotective u r over ur sister.. as a friend maybe i should try to see ur side of it other than taking ur sisters side.. im sorry that i dont tell u that ur hot and sexy like evry1 else.. hehe its just my inability to joke around just in case other people think im serious.. im sorry for being gullable and worrying what other people think of me..
chloe.. im sorry that awhile ago i had this major feeling that u didnt like me.. i dont no if it was true and i dont no if it still is true but im really sorry coz after i began to feel that my defenses came up and i started backing off.. im sorry that i didnt allow our friendship to grow
shelly.. im sorry that at times i would talk about u to other people about my growing concern that you were shoving people off and not allowing friendships to grow. im sorry i never tried to do anything about that..im sorry that you were never able to talk to me about anything.. and im really sorry for not even trying in the first place..
eunice.. im soo sorry that i was never able to get to know you better.. i can tell that you are a wonderful person.. and i wish that i had taken the time to talk to you a little longer..maybe even an extra few minutes to each conversation may hav made our friendship even stronger..
akansha.. im so sorry that at times i wasnt able to comfort you. im sorry that sometimes i knew something was wrong but i intentionally ignored it coz i didnt no wat to say.. im not too good with words.. im really sorry..
pamela.. im sorry that our friendship slipped over the years.. we were once great friends.. im sorry that you felt i had changed too much for us to remain close.. im sorry i wasnt able to tell you some things in my life but i felt you wouldnt be able to relate to me..
anna.. im sorry that you probably think im weird at times.. im sorry that the times you spent at our school before you left you felt you wernt able to trust anyone.. im also sorry that i think in yr 8 i broke the string off one of ur tops.. i still feel bad about that..
guillermo.. im sorry that i didnt get to know you at school as much as i could have.. im sorry for being weird and u giving me those weird looks..(every1 noes the msn emoticon.. the guil look.. *raises eyebrow*) sorry that its sometimes weird to talk to me..
michael.. im sorry that i did something to make u hate me.. im sorry that u felt u have to lie and tell people u dont remember me.. did i hurt u that much? im sorry that wat we had wasnt that great.. im sorry that i dont regret it though and that ill never forget u..
phillip.. im sorry that i wasted my time with u.. im sorry that i dont talk to you anymore.. im sorry that u lie to other people.. and try and flirt with my cuzin and use me to get to her.. im sorry that i liked u at one time..
belinda. im sorry that i didnt keep in contact as well as i should have.. we always plan to go out or meet up.. but it never seems to happen..im sorry that while u were at our skool our group would tease u.. i really cant remember y.. but im sorry..
moe... im sorry that i cant show how much i appreciate the friendship u have given me.. im sorry for making things awkward at times.. im sorry for being confused all the time.. im sorry that im not able to help u wen u need someone to talk to.. like ive said previously im not good with words.. im sorry i have burdend u with so much and yet u dont even complain.. im sorry that im not able to psychologise u and give u advice as well as u have given me.. im so sorry but i hope u no that u hav gained a frend from me for life no matter what..ill be ther 4 u
im sorry for anyone i have forgotten to apologise to.. im sorry for having reasons to apoloise.. i no that simply apologsing wont make me a better person.. but i hope it will help me realise what ican change to become a better person and someone that people can trust..
Friendship is like peeing in your pants.. everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth of it. thank u for being the pee in my pants..
yah... lol its 11:04pm. took me an hour to write this up...

lol one last thing.. im sorry this entry was sooo long.. =)

рℓєаѕє ряотєст мє

its 1:22am.. monday oct 2005.. or really late sunday nite.. its late. im tired. im bored. i feel sick. i feel like crying.

edit: http://spaces.msn.com/members/mzme/PersonalSpace.aspx?owner=1 <--my space

Hmmz...

its funny how u can b some1s frend but not no them.. and not know some1 but actually be their frend n b really close.. im sittn here thinkn about all the friendships ive had with all different ppl.. short and long friendships.. ppl who i talked 2 only once but still remember the conversations. people on the net who enlightened me with small words. or really long conversations but when faced the person in a real life situation only shared a few words. its weird how some ppl r able to communicate so thoroughly through words rather than voice. and others are only able to express their thoughts through voice and conversation, through hand gestures and facial expressions. sometimes im able to think what i want to say but find it difficult to express that feeling into words orally. but i am able to write it down
past seems to catch up to u alot.. my cuzn reminded me of some1.. and then i saw him.. havent seen him or talked 2 him in about a year now.. get a weird feeln in my tummy thinkn about it. sometimes its best not 2 remember the past. not think or dwell about the future and just live in the moment.its the best way to live. but it leaves u stranded. especially wen i need 2 plan the future and think about my life. everytime i think about the need to studyin my tummy flips and i feel awful.. really sad.. i hav no idea y.. its the worst feelin.. :( i cant explain it.. maybe its one of those times when u need to c my facial expression 2 understand what im trying to say...

To Be Determined...

omg im bored.. we're in English in the library meant to be doin some of our essays.. but i cant b bothered.. im so tired.. my back hurts and i got electricuted! :S arghh i feel like screaming.. we only got a few more days left of school. waa :'( *cries*
aww amys reminiscing about the past.. which makes me wonder about the past 2.. i miss things.. in english b4.. we were talking about if u would trade in a memory to make a new memory.. i wouldnt.. amy said she probably would.. but i cant give in memories.. memories are your life.. im soo afraid to lose memories.. so everyday of this week and our last few moments of school.. ive been trying to capture them.. taking my video cameras.. and digital cam.. takin pics and making memories. its really sad.. gona miss everyone
omg ms roberts is sooo sweet.. she made us little cards and things.. with pictures and our class names.. with like a long mesage.. its so sweet.. i wana get teachers n pplz stuff but i cbf coz i dont like organising things and then ppl backing out of it.. i dont wana do anythin anymore.. its sorta a waste of time..
my hands gettin tired.. ill edit later my english is really bad.. :( not feelin good.. im broken.. my brain isnt connected today..
byes

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once said :~

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once said: A man can stand anything except a succession of ordinary days.
so its like 11:03pm. tuesday. i got home from livo 2day n went to sleep until about 9 or sumthin. i was so tired n really really bored. Johann Wolfgand was so write wen he said ppl can live with anythin except a million normal boring days over n over. u run outa things to do. i dont really no wat to do with myself. i hate it wen i have extra time i start to think and wonder and overthink and bitch n complain moan whinge go crazy. its not healthy.. watched 'Wedding Crashers" today. it was good. OMG i cant get over the fact we walked into the wrong movie. thats soooo funny. were so stupid lolz.. 'how long is the movie?' 'i duno.. hmmz from 12:40 to 3:00.. thats like 2 hours 20 minutes', 'wat cinema..?' 'cinema 9' ... walk into cinema 9.. rite movie rite cinema.. wat time was it? 1:40.. lmao got the wrong ticket. i cant believe it was so funny.. 'ys the movie like half way? were only 10 min late.. ' hahaha anywayz.. the movie was funny.. laughed alot which was good after a bad day of maths results.. shitness.. omg n my movie 'tea with mussonlin'.. its been discontinued. y do i always get the crap stuff.. can i get a misadventure for my english exam mark. its not my fault i had to make up stuff for the essay. the movie doesnt even exist anymore.
i hate school sooo much. i hate getting our results. i hate thinking about how im gona miss everything. i hate how everything is the last of. im trying to take mental pictures of it. but my brain capacity isnt large enough to remember moments. the moments r gona b gone :( argh.. to much time to wonder bout the future. i hate thinking about the next day. i hate not knowing. i hate everything but its ironic how the things i hate are gona be the things i miss the most.
i duno wat to do with myself. i havent been goin on the net much anymore. i have no social life outside of skool coz most of them ppl dont talk 2 me or ive totally started ignoring ppl. i feel so mean. my cuz came up 2 me n said hi.. blah blah. n i didnt even say hi. i wrote 'k' n thats it.. lolz. im really annoyed at myself coz thats really mean. i wasnt in the mood to talk to anyone. n i havent been in ages. everytime i c ppl on the net i ignore most n dont go up 2 them or im busy playn games. yay im lvl 84 in RO now. as soon as i lvl up the server went down :( i wanted to go up 1 more lvl but sumthin stopped me. its a sign i wasnt meant to lvl up again im not sure y.. but yeh i wasnt,
im sorta hyped up coz i slept already and im not really tired. but i no i need to sleep now so i can wake up 2moro. but i cant sleep. so i dont no wat to do. thats y i came online. n now im online i got nuthin 2 do. so wat was the point? lalallalaa boredom..
very long boring blog..
gona go maybe sleep.. duno yet
nite nite [L]uv] ~ SamZ

а fєш іиѕріяатіоиаℓ шояdѕ

Ayn Rand once said: "Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours."

yay i cant believe i finally finished the trials. last exam was business.. i had two days off so i could study. But as usual i didnt study.. Last night i began to stress.. got distracted didnt study.. woke up this morning.. running late.. early for the bus just so i didnt miss it.. OMG guess who was on the bus? SHIVASHREE haha remember her? well i didnt.. i was walkin off the bus and she was lookn at me. and i said hi. walked off.. then after all that i realised who it was hehe i feel bad.. she looks the same and i didnt recognise her. oh wellz :P anywayz business was fine.. i guess it was ok.. i didnt write that much. THANK YOU PRAMEETA lol for the lift i owe u heaps. :D

Anywayz im home.. playn checkers like the old times with my old neighbour haha.. its so weird.. Its one of my aunties bdays 2day. I ate chips n chocolate :S relaxation = junkation hehe gona be so unhealthy

On tuesday goin livo. any1 wana join. welcome. afta skool around 12... watch a movie or sumthin

Bored As[S] betta be off.. bye byez

тнє тіdє тнат ℓєfт аиd иєvєя самє ъаск

Hansel said to Gretel. “Let us drop these breadcrumbs, so together we can find our way home. Because losing our way would be the most cruellest of things”. This year got lost on my way and losing your way on a journey isn’t fortunate, but losing your reason on the journey is a fate more cruel. The journey lasted 8 months, sometimes I travelled around, sometimes there were others who took the wheel and took my heart. But when the destination was reached it wasn’t me who arrived. It wasn’t me at all and once you lose yourself you have two choices. Find the person you used to be or lose that person completely. Because sometimes you have to step outside the person you have been and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you wanted to be, the person you are.

Routine

HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY AMY (for yesterday) hope u had a marvelous exciting day and i hope u made it memorable. you only eva hav a 18th bday once.

i really didnt wana start bloggin again.. but i feel as though i have to. i need to talk.. i havent had a proper conversation with anyone in a really long time. i feel really lost, distracted, confused, withdrawn. people talk to me and i talk to them. but im just standing there. u no wat i mean? just standing and watching and nodding and smiling. do i even no wat im saying? no. i just stand and nod and say yeh uhuh agreeing.. even when im in discussions they are never deep.
why has my life been overtaken by skool? why do i feel every moment is taken up by work? why do i feel like this? am i doing it on purpose? i think i am. avoiding reality. concentrating on avoiding life. but by doing so it doesnt mean im gona become super smart or sumthing. ive bearly had time to study. thinking and concentrating on not thinking is hard and tiring work.
it feels as though every1 i considered a frend has changed.. (excluding most skool frends).. but i mean people who were my frends on the outside. in my life. im not sure if they were my 'frends' or just people. but if they were my frends why do they avoid me or ignore me. or only talk 2 me when they need somthing.. my cuzn hasnt called me in ages.. she hasnt bothered.. but she went n asked my sista 2 ask me 2 borrow a dress.. without talking 2 me.. n i let her... i duno y i gota b nice
the trials bring out the true insides of some people. its so horrible. how nasty n mean people can get. its like they r in the wild. and they r starving. and theres only 1 apple left. n they all fite over it to get it. people would pretend to share it but they give u the rotten core of it.. i duno if it makes me up myself but i would think in that situation i am nice. i would give up my share to someone who needed it more. is it wrong to think im nice? maybe nicer than some other people? argh i duno
some people say i am too nice. and it mite be true. if someones mean 2 me. i cannot tell them 2 there face. i neva stoop to their level. i would neva do wat they did 2 me. i often get used and i get hurt, but wat am i meant 2 do. atleast there r a few people who look out for me. but im not sure that those people really exist.
atm im really really confused. i havent had enough time to stop n think and cry. even though i cry alot. i havent let out my feelings. i sit here and watch life walk past me. watch people grow and change and drift. while i stay and watch and observe. will i grow and evolve to? when is it my turn to change? or have i already started to? maybe its me whos been changing while every1 around me is still?...
*sigh* *yawn**scream* im meant to be studying for legal now.. but i dont want to. i did horrible the past few exams.. im really annoyed at myself for not studying for advanced english paper. why am i so nice? why do i worry about my sisters? fuckn hate yr 8 4 bein bitches 2 my sista. i cant believe i care so much about her. omg what am i doing? am i blaming my love for my sista for doing bad in english? arghh c y i hate blogging... im a bitch :S i guess its not just blogging coz they r my thoughts n feelings.. but yeh.. its not true if u dont say it.
sometimes its easier to see what you want than to search for the truth.

аитірнои

this is my antiphon.. well not relly.. its just givin me sumthin 2 do.. plus i wanted to write down a list of things i wana do in the holidays and i couldnt think of a place to put them.. i really wonder who will be the first person to realise i blogged again.. any1.. even anonymous ppl.. comment or tell me if youve read it.. anywayz.. my list..

• learn a new language.. either spanish indian chinese or arabic..
• do all my assignments and catch up
• eat a banana flavoured gelato - done (had watermelon instead.. its really hard to find banana flavour)
• stay up one night and see the sunrise
• play a new game - done (this assyrian card game)
• buy a plant
• buy a gift for someone - done (anthonys $$ pressie.. even though its money still a gift..isnt it?)
• cook dinner/lunch - done (sorta.. made lasagne)
• meet someone new - done (met alot of ppl.. lawrences n anthonys parties..)
• go out to a new area - done (adventures with anna)
• take a photo of scenery - done (sydney harbour bridge, luna park, trees.. millions of pics)
• do a nice thing for someone getting a 'thankyou' in return - done (im pretty sure ive done this even if there is no precise moment)
• stay out one night - done (adventures with anna)
• dont listen 2 any songs for 1 whole day (24 hours) DOUBT THIS WILL EVER BE ACHIEVED EVEN THROUGH THE TIMESPAN OF MY WHOLE LIFE
• find a new career path
• get a hobby
• learn a new talent
• play a sport
• write a list - done (does this count as a list? if not i wrote a shopping list)
• use a 'smart' 'big' word atleast once a day - partially done
• drive every single day - sorta done (havent driven in awhile.. but will start again soon)
• have a -heart - to - heart- with someone
• prank someone
• scream for no reason
• draw or paint a picture or a design - done
• scan something - done
• learn to breathe and meditate
• go bowling ten pin or lawn bowls

cant think of anythin else.. dad here gota go

вџє вџє

my last blog.. bloggin makes me self-obsessed coz its a place just about me.. i dont wana b selfish no more.. im not blogging anymore.. it creates to many problems.. bye bye
p.s sistas bday 2moro.. happy bday nat

іиѕомиіа

Me and Anna made a site...

Insomnia - Chronic inability to fall asleep or remain asleep for an adequate length of time
There can be physical causes for insomnia, like medications you're taking, thyroid problems, hormonal imbalances, etc. It can also be related to depression. Or it may just be what is called "psychophysiological" insomnia, also called "learned" or "conditioned" insomnia. This happens when a life stress causes a few nights of poor sleep, but then the poor sleep is perpetuated by worry over not sleeping. In this case, behavioral modifications are most helpful in breaking the cycle of worry and anxiety. Whatever the cause, you shouldn't go it alone

• Going to bed and getting up at the same time every day -
• Eliminating caffeine and nicotine and limiting alcohol consumption -
• No reading or watching T.V. in bed (so you only associate the bed with sleep) -
• No clock-watching in the bedroom (helps tremendously with anxiety) -
• Developing and following a good pre-sleep routine every night (taking a hot bath, reading, listening to music, or whatever helps to relax you) -
• Moving to another room when you can't sleep to read or do some other relaxing activity, returning to bed only when sleepy (again, to associate the bed with sleep instead of tossing and turning) -
• Stopping negative sleep thoughts and replacing them with positive ones

lolz.. mite b wats wrong with me.. but theres many things wrong with me =D i think im just overly tired.. bored.. have to much time.. and make up diseases that i dont have.. but i really cant sleep.. had 3-4 hours sleep last nite.. and eyes r burnin now.. *yawning is meant to be pleasurable..* (quote provided by Ms Roberts.. Bio) haha i cant concentrate anymore.. im brain dead.. i tried to do hw.. but couldnt.. and i keep thinkn bout some1 i shouldnt be.. arghh cant get it outa my head.. and im not the type to obsess.. (eyes look up n down round n round.. *innocent*) haha.. i dont wana feel like this but i do.. how do u stop likin some1??? help! yeh anywayz.. ive had plenty of time to think of everythin in the world.. y are chairs called chairs? wat is a chair? who named the chair? is it a hair with a c? hmmz goin crazy.. i need a psychiatrist.. any1 wana offer there free services... lol

anywayz much luv.. samantha xoxoxo

і саяє авочт џоч

Bootiful lyrics by Babyface.. luvn songs u can relate to.. hehe =)

Sometimes I feel so alone
I call your heart
But there's no one at home
Taking a toll on my pride
I'm reaching out
But there's no one inside
It doesn't feel right, when I look in your eyes
I know love is blind, but the heart doesn't lie
I'll ask one more time, maybe this time you'll try
So tell me girl what's deep in your heart
Girl I care 'bout youI'm there for you
So why don't you care for me
Like I care 'bout you

awww how sweet.. ='( *sob* lol
atm my brain not workin.. today long day.. cleaned alot.. died on RO.. go to amy for screenshot.. haha
wanted to go livo.. not allowed.. bex and bea came over.. diana.. yeh... net nuthin.. chat.. soon sleep
bye bye

Baby Meeeee hehe =( i was so cute 

fаіℓчяє

so it was the first day of school... and i feel really bad..i duno wat my problem is.. i have the biggest mouth and im so annoying.. if i were someone else id hate me so much.. i got verbal diarehea (wateva.. spell check.. the shit thing) lol i no wat im sayin and i no i shouldnt be talkin but i cant control myself! theres no excuse for how annoyin i am.. arghh. ok got results for maths half yearly 43% failed.. i new i was gona fail but i got annoyed at myself for getn the stupidest things wrong.. so im in class bein vocal bout my marks and complainin bout how annoyed i was with myself.. and just bein really ungrateful for my marks.. i mean i guess i didnt do that bad compared to the class.. but still.. and lorenzo kinda told me to keep my complains to myself.. but did i listen? noo! :S i had to keep talkin.. and now i feel really really bad.. i mean if i had goten a mark and some1 who got higher than me started complainin id get pissd.. and i was doin exactly that.. now i feel really bad for bein a bad person :( and i regret openin my mouth..
english marks.. 13/20 = 6.5/10 lucky it was only 10%.. i didnt do bad.. didnt do good.. i got the average mark.. i wanted to do better.. hmmz wats done is done
last nite i went to bed round 1 didnt fall asleep till about like 3 or 4.. and only got about 3 or 4 hours sleep.. got home from skool and round 5 fell asleep till 8:30 :S i hate sleepin in the day.. now i got a major headache.. dizzyness.. confusion.. annoyance.. blehh all that :S
2moros mufti day arghh hate it so much.. i didnt no wat to wear.. amandas frend was over helpin her find clothes 4 2moro.. so i asked for advice.. and now under alot of pressure im wearin 3/4 black stripy pants.. long black and white socks.. white singlet.. black mini jacket thing.. and joggers.. im gona look so bad and wrong.. not me.. and gona feel uncomfortable.. but yeh :s i duno wat else to wear.. arghh
i cant think.. head hurts :'( bye byez

random quotes..

Its hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does.. the truth is everyone out there is going to hurt you, you just have to decide whos worth the pain..
there are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them up from your dreams and hold them for real, its true that we dont know what we have until its gone, but its also true that we dont no what weve been missing till it arrives...
if hes the first thing you think about when you wake up in the morning... the only thing you think about all day... and the last thing you think about right before you sleep.. then you know your really in luv..
sometimes in life you only get once chance.. sometimes its now or never..
the greatest irony of luv is letting go when you need to hold on.. and holdin on when you need to let go

шно ам і??

today i went over my cuznz place.. shane n anthony.. for a bbq.. every1 was there.. [01:01am some1 thinkin bout me...:S] anywayz.. made me think of who i am.. and y im like that.. ive come to a conclusion..
when i was younger.. i was a tomboy.. always hung around my guy cuzinz and felt more comfortable round guyz.. i started to grow older.. more mature.. and so did my guy cuznz.. they didnt want me hangin round when they picked up chicks or were just actin like guyz.. so i was kinda pushed away from them.. i had to find a new group of ppl 2 b with.. made me closer to my girl cuznz.. now i hang around girls.. and be girly with them.. makeup clothes check out guyz try n act all eww yukk.. u no a girl.. but im not comfotable with them.. girls bitch complain whinge bla bla... wateva.. i realised that if im in a situation with a big group of guyz and theyre my frends i can be really comfotable with them and joke and wateva.. but as soon as some1 mentions the possibility of relationships or some1 bein hot or sumthin.. i totally get weird.. im not comfortable and act really shy and quiet.. and thats the total opposite of wat im really like.. i like bein original and loud.. i wore odd socks to church with hundreds of ppl lookin and i yell and scream and make weird noises wen walkin round.. but if theres some guy there i totally change.. if im with my cuzn.. i hate it.. and its becoz wheneva we go out.. theres always a guy around.. or guyz checkin her out.. or a guy.. guyz everywhere.. i think thats y i hate it.. becoz i hate it.. i pretend i dont care and i dont try.. y should i try to be somethin that im not and feel uncomfortable? and if a guy does end up likin me wen im fake then i dont like him or i get annoyed.. other people think im upmyself or sumthin.. like for example.. the u18s thing.. the guy was all ova me or wateva it was.. and afta that i complained and whinged bout him.. but then people ask.. y do u even go when u no that u18s r place 4 ppl 2 meet n pick up? i really dont no wat 2 say.. i really wana meet some1.. but i duno..i cant.. im not comfotable with anythin.. i feel really bad.. i got tears in my eyes now.. everythin in my life seems to be piling up.. and i cant handle it..
all problems seem to be illuminated rite now..
my family frends skool.. everythin seems to hav been exagerated and problems seem to have expanded.. so uncontrolable.. and i dont no what to do.. ive tried blocking it.. but i keep exploding.. it never works.. avoiding the problem only makes me more sad.. and i end up here sittin on the net.. pourin out my feelings and crying.. i need a new way to deal with things.. i need to get away.. i need time to myself.. i need to find out who i am.. i want so many things 4 my life but i cant seem to get anythin..
i wana pack all my things and go.. somewhere.. who noes where.. away... i wish i was some1 else.. or with some1.. or had 1 person there just to be there.. omg i feel like cryin.. but i cant.. eyes r teary.. its 1:17am.. dad told me that i had to get offline at 1.. but i think him n my sis r watchin a movie and he 4got.. i hope he falls asleep and doesnt come in here.. i dont want any1 2 c me sad n teary.. its embarassing.. arghhh
lol its really funny.. ive noticed that wen i blog bout all this shit.. no1 seems to comment.. but i understand and i feel really bad.. y r some ppl so caring? they care so much and worry and dont no wat 2 say.. i feel bad to worry ppl.. wen its normal 2 feel bad.. i feel bad when some1 asks me wats wrong.. coz i dont wana tell them and make them feel bad.. i duno if that makes sense.. but wateva.. i want help but i dont want it from ppl that r close to me.. i duno y i feel like this wen if the shoe was on the other foot.. and i was readin one of my frends blogs id really wana help.. but i feel like they dont need to b there 4 me.. every1s got there own problems.. and they dont need more.. i think i just need to meet new ppl.. and talk 2 strangers and yeh.. i have no idea wat im sayin..
i dont wana get offline.. not yet.. ive still got hope.. ive got the willingness to be happy.. my brain is 2 sided.. i wana breakdown but i wana be happy on the other.. my head talks to itself keeps sayin relax go to sleep wake up problems will be gone.. the other says cry let it out talk to someone.. i duno which side to follow.. so i end up sittin here getn emotional.. cry laugh.. stare into space.. im rally weird.. :S
ive also realised i cant concentrate for more than 10minutes or sumthin.. i always get distracted.. and then wat i rite doesnt make sense at all..
today i laughed so much.. this always happens to me when ive had a good day.. i always seem to run out of laughs and happiness.. im really emotional.. i seriously think i need help lol..
ive been blogging for 24 minutes.. think thats enough.. just gona listen 2 some music for awhile..

*sigh*

arghh... y do some people always think that there problems r more important than urs? i mean some people do hav more problems than u.. and i bet i think my problems r worse than others.. but i mean u should atleast listen 2 someone elses problems n try help them sort it out.. not contiue on and on about who noes wat completely ignoring u..
i hate being ignored.. i hate bein told 2 butt out wen it actually does involve me.. and i seriously hate bein told to shut up.. thats the worse.. if some1 tells me 2 shut up i click it.. i cant take it.. i cant b quiet.. arghhh and i was havn an ok day 2day... but then every1 around me seems to be getn really annoyed.. and now im getn annoyed..
ok.. im moody again.. now im ok.. :S
i went drivin today.. and omg i feel really really bad coz i havent gotten my Ls yet.. :'( that was 1 thing i wanted to do in my holidays.. but i didnt.. im so lucky i neva made a list for these holidays. coz if i did i would b really pissd that i didnt accomplish it..
im really distracted.. duno wat im ritin.. last nite was explicit at nineveh club.. so shit.. not even 100 ppl came.. camera man.. told me 2 get outa a foto.. how rude.. miami pics r up.. ours isnt there.. im so fukn pissd.. y doesnt no1 like meeee =( arghh i think i embarassed shane.. he was sitn on a chair in middle of dance floor.. being the clown that he is.. and me n my cuz kathryn kinda ran around him and i ruined his hair lol..
some weird freak just added me.. assyrain.. cant spell.. and thinks he met me at a wedding and i was with amy.. i bet its steven..
anywayz im stop writin

saley kotik

At Night.. No Lights... (eewww)

S...T...E...V...E..N says:
omg...trying peeing at nigh with no lights and your a guy
S...T...E...V...E..N says:
lol...A distarter
Ѕамаитна [Mz_mE¤DoOBa][The Sooner You Go To Sleep.. The Sooner Tomorrow Comes..] says:
turn on the light
S...T...E...V...E..N says:
It hurts your eyes
Ѕамаитна [Mz_mE¤DoOBa][The Sooner You Go To Sleep.. The Sooner Tomorrow Comes..] says:
lol omg
S...T...E...V...E..N says:
At least you guys sit down, I have to freaking control ...lmao
S...T...E...V...E..N says:
AT NIGHT, NO LIGHTS

lolzzzz ok that was a lil convo from today... :S no point to it actually.. but i want comments!!! tell me what u think.. haha

im feelin normal again.. well as normal as i can be.. i woke up at 3pm =) finally what the holidays are meant for.. sleep... lol it was good.. i actually slept well.. but wakin up afta that was annoying
my dad pissed me off.. like always.. but hes getn more strict.. yesterday i kinda walked outa the house and go u cant control me anymore.. but it wasnt really walkin out.. coz i was goin 4 a walk with my sis.. with an hour limit.. omg how can ppl hav limits wen ur around ur neighbourhood? its 2 controlling.. arghh anywayz
atm i feel a bit better
i was just a bit weird coz of sumthin that changed.. wasnt big but yeh.. my net life = my private life.. my esacpe from the real world.. my net life met my real life.. shocked my system lolz.. i no thats stupid.. but most things in my real life r bad :S and my net life is good.. so i was afraid that this step over the line would also become bad.. but atm its ok..
im livin day by day again.. which keeps me sane.. thinkin bout the future is not a good thing to do.. brings too much worries and :S craziness
lmao in a convo with steven n david atm and cant stop laughin.. clowns haha
omgggg its my dads bday.. i 4gotttt omg omg omg... who cares.. lol its only me n nat here atm.. parents r out.. amandas at hungry jacks with diana.. yep cant concentrate..

BTW any1 readin this plz comment.. i wana no whos actually readin =)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAMELA

happy 17th pamela.. hope u had a magical day and hav many more to come.. :P

obliterated life

soo.. obliterate = delete, which is wat i have done to the last two blog entries.. i felt that its stuff that was really stupid and that wasnt real.. i was just crazy at the time when i wrote them..
today went over my grandmas house for the whole day.. nuthin to exciting..
didnt have enough sleep.. u no how wen u sleep if ur normal.. ur brains meant to sort out all ur problems..and ur meant to wake up feelin refreshed and more relaxed.. well somethings wrong with me coz my brain didnt do anythin.. i just kept waking up.. i think my brains in overload and cant sort out all my problems.. and i cant relax.. i duno wat to do.. i used to relax by taking long showers and havin music up full blast.. but my stupid bathroom doesnt have a power point for me to listen to anything.. its driving me crazy..
every holidays i feel shit.. my feelings become amplified.. and more things seem to worry me.. i deal with that with the thought of goin back to skool.. but now i dont even wana go to skool.. im so not looking forward to skool.. i dont wana face hw, assignments, exam results, frends.. anything :S im really hating it..
another way i would relax was talk to my frends.. but now i dont even no whats going on.. i feel really lost and confused and need help..
i breathe and breathe tryin to push that lump back down my throat and get rid of that feeling.. but it rises and my eyes fill up with tears and i have to wipe them coz if any1 sees me i duno wat id do..
arghh im soo moody these days. i wana be happy.. i spent 10 minutes staring into the mirror trying to smile.. so my parents dont realise that i spent nearly half an hour in the bathroom crying.. it didnt work.. walked downstairs sat down tears came back.. hid my face by going into the kitchen pretendin to get icecream..
it feels like i have no1 to talk to.. but i no that i have a million ppl out there to talk to.. my frends.. but i feel like im goin crazy.. my brain is split in half.. half of it is sayin talk to someone.. the other dont.. shutup.. relax.. breathe.. tears..
arghhhhhh anyone no any good ways which i can help relax..? and get rid of my worries without worrying other people..?

Bring It On

today was the "Bring it on - Youth Festival" - at fairfield showgrounds.. kathryn and bec slept over last nite.. this mornin we piked up diana n went 2 the youth fest. walked around 4 ages.. omg i got a henna tat on my hand.. of a butterfly..its cute =) and then i got this lil turtle airbrushed on my right wrist hehe.. we went stockies ate at maccas... met up with net frend.. hmmz wat else.. i duno
right now im really bored n annoyed.. my computer is goin so slow :s and i think its coz my nets capped.. afta a certain amount of dl.. it gets slower.. omg and weve dl like 1GB in 1-2 weeks :S omg lol
hmmz and hardly any1 is online... amyyy i wanted 2 tell u sumthin.. oh wellz it wasnt really important just wanted 2 tell u wat happend 2day.. but still where r u???? omg and my cuzn thinks i like this guy :S but i duno and yeh arghh lol so confusing
anywayz im just really bored and wana waste time till i get sleepy
atm im really really tired and sore and broken and moody and whingy and i need to shutup
ok bye

Reflection of the past few days...

12-04-05: i piked up anna and we met glermo at livo watched a movie (the pacifier) .. then went 2 parra by train.. walked round.. tried on some formal dresses took pics bought tickets for miami bla bla.. after that caught another train to town hall but we 4got 2 get off so we ended up at milsons point.. so we went luna park.. thenn we caught a ferry to back circular key.. and then another ferry to manly.. went to manly beach and shopped.. and thennn took another ferry bak to circular key.. and caught a bus to george st.. and walked round.. walked all the way to cockel bay.. and walked all the way bak to george st.. ate.. and caught train bak 2 livo.. but on the way we had 2 stop coz some guy was tryin 2 kill himself on the tracks.. that was near ashfield.. lol and thennn we continued back to livo.. and caught a taxi to a street near annas house(not all the way coz were cheap) and then walked bak to her house... lol and that was the end of the day.. hehe we bought a day tripper for the day.. mine cost $15 and hers only $7.50 stupid concession :S lol makin me waste alot of money payin adult.. hehe anywayz.. throughout the day we took pics of every station we visited.. and plannin to make this a routine adventure every holidays.. any1 interested welcome to join :D hehe btw my mum thought i was gona go 2 livo and head back to annas.. and my dad thought i was sleepin over nonortas house with my sister.. lol

13-04-05: woke up at annas place... caught bus to livo.. and shopped till we literally dropped and were too tired to walk.. i had to buy a dress and jacket for miami that nite.. and anna bought shoes n stuff.. met my cuzin kathryn there and caught a train to fairfield so we could go 2 nonos house.. we got ready and left for miami.. (under 18s at King Toms Club edensor rd) omg miami was unforgettable.. so many people there.. good music.. i danced lolllzzz wat a funny image.. my dancin involves me jumpin up and down movin side to side and singin really loud and screaming.. it was me amanda kathryn nonorta nevada n her bf.. there.. and we saw heaps of ppl from skool.. like moe n my yr and lots of girls in yr 11.. yah.. anywayz throughout the nite we danced.. ooo and some guy fully grabbed my ass while i was dancin.. turned around n he ran lol.. hmmz nonorta started 2 dance with her frend.. 4got his name.. kathryn danced with this dude who tried 2 pik her up.. so i was nigel 4 awhile.. till the guy nono was dancin with.. his cuzin decided 2 dance with me.. we danced for like 2 minutes.. till his frends came and he went to talk 2 them.. and then wen he came back he fully grabbed me and started to dance really really close.. :S lol tried 2 feel me up ewww and he was so tall and coz im short my head was under his nose and i could hear him breathe and it was soo yukky.. omg he kept tryin 2 touch my boobs n ass so i kept grabbin his hands and like started to jump around so he would stop touchin lolz and he tried 2 pash me.. i musta looked like a freak.. (my sista later told me that my jumpin up n down didnt look 2 good to other ppl :S) eww lol.. i also found out that this guy is there like every time wearin the same clothes.. and hes the guy who tries 2 put his dick on u.. omg ewww :S luckily he got bored and left with these other girls.. haha after we got home.. we figured that this guy i danced with was the same guy kathryn was dancin with 1st who also tried 2 pash her.. and he wasnt nonos frends cuzin.. they switched wen he went to talk 2 his frends.. arghh i was dancin with a stranger hehe... oh wellz.. it was still fun.. and crazy a nite ill never forget.. :D all the time we were there my dad thought we were at nonortas house.. my mum picked us up and we nearly got caught.. coz my dad called me and amanda n weboth hung up in his face.. we later found out he was callin coz he wanted my mum 2 get him a kebab.. luckily my mum covered and said we were in nonos room playin music and playin with our fones.. hehe yeh wat a nite.. never forget it

14-04-5: yesterday me nonorta and kathryn woke up.. did nuthin all day.. and stayed in our pjs till kathryn went home.. we bummed and relaxed.. went on the net :P which was a good day.. i got to talk to alot of people i missed talkin 2.. and 4 some reason stevens pissed off at me lol like always.. anywayz yesterday was pretty boring except some of the convos i was in.. which made me feel good.. isnt it amazing how some people can say exactly the rite thing to make u smile?

15-04-05: today was another day at home.. i woke up with a dream fresh in my head.. which involved some guy askin me if ive ever put dettol on my face... *shrugs* lol who knows.. my brain is weird.. today nono went home.. wen her dad picked her up my mum asked if she was gona go youth festival (on sunday at fairfield showground from like 1-8 free entry anyone welcome its fun...) yeh and her dads like "no! a womans place is in the home" omg.. how rude.. hes exactly like my dad.. no wonder theyre cuzinz.. haha :S oh wellz with some convincin my mum made him change his mind.. so yeh.. cant wait till sunday.. had a few arguments with my sister today.. invovling who gets to go online in the nite.. she won like always :S oh wellz.. she'll learn one day.. hmmz and thats pretty much my day.. boring..

Luna Park hehe =) 

Guess Who

today was this future leaders forum in the city at opera house.. small room.. we had to wake up at like 6 or sumthin n meet at station at 7... omg the train ticket lady was so mean.. i showed her my concession card.. and she was like "NO!!.. this is not acceptable" and then she drew lines through it... lol it was expired.. its not my fault our skool hasnt issued out new cards :S and then we had to pay $10.40 just for a return train ticket.. like OMG with all of us payin.. we payed like nearly $70.. we coulda went by a car and got full tank of petrol plus extras! lol wata waste of money.. haha
we got to the lecture thingo at 8:45 or sumthin.. got our papers and went in at 9.. it was so boring.. u wouldnt believe it.. me and amy and eunice nearly fell asleep it was that boring.. the thing was meant to go 2 like 1pm.. at 11 they had a small break.. free biscuits and drinks.. lol we stole drinks and bolted... haha ran far far away as we could.. lol pretended we were tourists so that we didnt get caught.. take fotos here n there hehe...
we walked out and there were these street performers.. this guy who walked on a titerope, juggling fire sticks and ate a big knife.. and then there were those fake statues that were real people.. (look below for pic...)
afta that we went to eat.. n then went movies.. watched "guess who" lol it was a good movie.. i liked it.. got really into it.. had tears in my eyes alot of times.. and it was really funny.. lol its a shame my frends didnt think it was that good.. i really luvd it... =D
after the movie... we decided to be cheap and go to capitol and take cheap shots usin my digital cam.. instead of payin 4 the fotos.. we went in a booth and used there backgrounds.. took about like 7 fotos.. and then this guy came in.. and goes "do u need help?" saw the camera in stevens hand.. and goes "no cameras allowed!" and then he left.. and i had the camera in my hand this time.. and another guy came in.. hes like "im sorry but no cameras allowed" lol i made up some bullshit story.. "aww but we wana pick the best background b4 we buy a foto...." "the pink ones the best" lol me n amy n shelly tryin 2 hide behind the curtains.. lol it was sooo funny.. afta bout 5 min pretendin we were gona pay for 1.. we snuck out and ran.. lol it was so embarassing.. i cant believe we got caught.. we were so cheap haha tryin 2 use their resources so we had pretty backgrounds in our fotos..
anywayz.. got on train and went home.. it was a good day.. had fun.. relaxin :D
nuthin else has really happend 2day.. well not yet.... hehe
to be continued...

mime thingo in syd 

to trust or not to trust?

ok.. now a really big quote from amys blog:
"sometimes i want to get a blog so i can bitch about ppl.. i read this blog.. n she said wot i always wanted to say.. i shall quote her.."So I was stupid enough to tell people that I had created a blog. Dumb idea; I had envisioned this anonymous on-line journal that would be full of expelled thoughts frustrations, and yes, ramblings that no one would see. Yah, right. Gradually a couple of people got the address out of me, and, subsequently, they are now privy to all my personal crap. So now - HA - I've created this one. This one will remain anonymous so that I can vent, bitch and whine without interruption and/or embarrassment." select-ramblings-maniacal-thougthsthats exactly what i want to do....arrRrz..but sometimes i feel like wots the point of writtin it if i dont even know if anyones is reading it.maybe deep down.. i want to be understood by people..why is it when we looked into our soul, look down into our mind..our thoughts are too immoral, too impure to be told to people...well at least thats how i am.."
so i just quoted amy quotin someone else.. it makes me think what the point of a blog is.. and why people intend to write them.. when you blog shouldnt youconsider who ur audience is gona be? well i no i did.. and i make sure i dont offend anyone or say anythin that could hurt someone else. i understand a blog is personal.. but how can a blog be personal if its available for the whole world wide web to read? so with the intention of letting you feelings out you should be aware that people do read your blog and you could hurt people. after reading some blogs i think that maybe a blog isnt a good thing to have always. it can hurt.
hmmz.. dont trust anyone.. maybe best advice given to me by many people but ive never really listened to them. i think i might take the advice now.. i trust people but to certain extents.. there are only a few people i can trust entirely.. and even them dont no every lil thing about my life.. there always has to be limits..
i hate the net atm.. theres no point to it.. its been a big disappointment having it back.. i think i was over excited to have it back and now im sad coz its such a waste of time.
holidays are here.. planning adventure.. wana do so many things.. but the situation with my dad is gettin more hopeless.. hes getting even stricter and for no reason.. i hate him so much sometimes.. today he insulted me.. i think he said something along the lines of me being stupid and lazy.. i tried 2 defend myself he told me to shutup.. and i was like so i have to sit here and be insulted by u? and hes like yes i can insult u as much as i like.. hes going crazy.. even my mum says he is.. hes picking on every little thing.. my grandma is kinda old.. shes at the stage of complaining and whinging bout life.. my dads actin like her... really old.. and hes so pessimistic.. its depressing.. he thinks he knows what the world is.. for example.. i was thinkin bout getn a job at a movie place (hoyts or greater union) hes like whats the point u wont get the job.. they dont go for people like u.. *raises eyebrow* wtf? what people like me? what am i? how rude can he get? he goes i no what its like.. ive been through life.. omg he doesnt even have any friends..
i think thats y he doesnt let me n my sisters out with our frends much.. coz hes jealous he doesnt have any... its not funny.. im serious... thats how he is.. today he wanted me 2 go on the net and get him this paltalk thing.. he wanted 2 listen to people talk about conspiracy shit.. i tried 2 get it for him.. but i couldnt find it.. and he got pissed off coz i didnt know what he wanted.. i couldnt get what he wanted.. so i wasnt allowed on the computer.. hes jealous that we go on and play and know how to use it.. he doesnt let us on coz he doesnt no how 2...
arghh :S
hands gettin tired from typin.. angry typing.. im yelling with my hands lolz
yeps... thats it..
bye byez

lalala coco jambo

hmmz... im finally back on the net.. i think i expected to much.. i dont really like being on again.. it isnt at all what i remembered it to be like.. its kinda boring.. i mean its fun in a way but when im on msn.. i feel like i have to talk to every1 and sometimes im just not in the mood to talk.. or i wana do something else but i cant coz im chattin...
atm im eating lasagna.. i woke up at 5 this morning.. have been for a few days now.. i had my last exam legal so happy its over.. i think i did ok... yah.. and now im relaxing.. im really physically tired.. but my mind wants to do alot..
lol title of this entry is song im listenin 2.. lol its soo old :D but good...
hmmz enough bloggin
bye byez
xoxox

і наvз яєтчяиєd

wow it feels so good to be back.. i got adsl yesterday.. and im finally online :D im really really happy... i had my chemistry exam today... calculated possible marks... 53% highest i think i can get.. so hopefully ill pass... it wasnt as bad as i expected.. although if i had studied harder i mite have gotten way better... my waking up at 5am didnt seem to make up for not studying the weekend before, and on monday & tuesday...
the net is so amazingly fast that ive already downloaded 6 songs in about not even 10 min.. not coz it took that long to download each.. but because i didnt know what songs i wanted.
at the moment i should be studying for biology.. but i think i deserve a break... (omg phone just rang! not used to being online when it rings coz i used to get disconnected when i had slow dial-up) hehe... yeh anywayz i havent started to study... but it isnt that hard.. hopefully.. she basically told us all the questions anyway.. all i have to do is answer them and memorise.. wont be too hard..
ok.. i better go have a bit more fun till i have to go study..
12/03/05- hair redone... lol just so i know how long its been till i have to get it done again
bye byez
xoxox
Samantha

im at skool atm sittin in the computer rooms 4 legal.. stupid msn wont work... :S hmmz.. nuthin really to blog about.. nothing happenin lately.. got in a fight with my mum last nite at ffld :S not good :S hmmz ummmmm theres nuthin to talk bout.. sistas got a bf or sumthin.. wateva

happy chinese new year :P

atm im at Bonnyrigg library.. havent been allowed on the net for about two weeks... at the library doin research for chem n english assignments due friday.. im nearly done just got a few things left to do.. on msn2go as well.. hehe naughty naughty ;) i hired this comp for like half an hour and im kinda :( that noone that exciting is online.. i guess i just gotta wait until another time.. it wasnt meant to be..
omg amy brought tarot cards to skool and was telling my fortune it seems alright.. did love one.. not to good.. said that nuthin will happen :( stupid valentines day got everyone thinkin bout love and romance :( depressing..
lol naaa its not that bad.. i dont feel anything... its pretty good.. i keep gettin into fights with my family :S i wanna move out and its the rite thing to do.. but i duno if i can and all coz its weird..
omg amanda went through my picture album and saw some pics she wasnt meant to see and now she thinks she noes my secret.. shes so nosy and S L O W... she doesnt realise that those pics are about a year old.. wow its been a whole year :S time flys....
hmmz anywayz i only got about 5 or 10 minutes left on here.. so i betta stop bloggin..
till next time.. mwahz
xooxox

Don't Let Up

slept over kathryn n beccas place last nite... woke up went cogee beach at like 10.. i was prepared 4 a good day... but stupid lifesaver dudes havin a competition n races.. closed beach and only place we could swin was filled with seaweed ewww... just sinbathed a bit... lol got burnt.. saw a few hottiez... and heard really nice accents.. i wanna b english/irish bootiful accents...anywayz went home at around 3 or sumthin near 4... now im bak at there house relaxin... omg im so depressing and i didnt even realise it... everyones commentin bout my blog bein sad :( i gotta b happy.. try bloggin about happy things..
im not really sad... its just that wen im bored i over think and be really dramatic or sumthin and its kinda annoyin.. i gota stop doin it :S i realised that im kinda clostrophobic.. well my mum said i am... thats y i get scared wen she drives and theres 2 trucks near us and i go crazy.. so scary... its not only in the car though.. wen im in rooms with alot of ppl in them i cant stay in there without startin 2 breath heavily... lol its funny if u think bout it...
omg :S lol annoyed now... ive been on for about an hour or sumthin and i didnt talk 2 one of my friends coz i was busy.. and i go wait afta i blog ill talk.. and just now i saw and they went offline... arghh how annoying =(
anywayz im really tired.. sun taken all my energy... *sigh* *yawn*
oh yeh i was meant 2 blog bout tuesday that went n how i met up with this dude.. and how it was stupid and blah blah guyz hav 2 many expectations n theyre all the same up themselves luvo snobs haha lalala
*yawnz* oo so scared my sistas gona read this. like amys bro read hers.. so embarassing... 4 awhile i used 2 worry bout it but i 4got and started 2 rite stuff that i dont want ppl to read.. let my gaurd down... and im really worried now someones gona read my blog n get the wrong impression or think im a psycho.. im not... im just weird.. i dont have any mental problems.. well i dont think i do.. :S
No matter how bad things get
Girl don't let it get to you
I know you're trying to make ends meet
So girl don't let it get to youY
ou only got one life to live
So don't let it get to you
So go on and make the best of it
Just don't let it get to you
inspirational song... "Don't Let Up" - AKON... makes me feel betta :) so annoyed though... i ordered his album 1 month ago.. was getn imported n they said giv it 3 months... and then i heard from a frend it was out.. soooo annoyed.. they didnt even call me 2 tell me it was out.. i wanted 2 b the 1st 2 hav it.. but nooo a million ppl got it now and im not an individual anymore lolz haha
:D lalala so bored... and tired.. no1s here.. amanda n becca at beach... kathryn at work.. nats in the shower.. and im nigel sittn at computer... i wana hav fun now and talk 2 every1 coz i wont b on in ages. :S but i have no1 2 talk 2.. :S mite stop bloggin coz yeh...
bye byez xoxoxo

lala

school started on monday... its good.. nice bein bak talkin 2 every1.. havent been allowed on the net for so long.. but yeh.. its not that bad,, its helpin me have a clear head.. i no whats real and all that. no more overthinkin and overdoin stuff and all that.. its good... hmmz i miss goin on only coz i dont talk to some people.. but atleast my heads cleard and i no that all guyz r idiots and yeh...

іиfатчатіои

Infatuation, crush, fixation, folly, foolishness, madness, obsession, passion, thing.... watever word you use.. i have it.. :'( i went to bed last night and started thinking... overthinking.. and then i realised i do have feelings for someone.. and its so sad.. i cant handle it.. i cant like anyone atm its wrong..and to make it worse the person isnt even interested.. i go online to see if hes on only because when i talk to him he always makes me smile and feel better.. its so wrong.. he has his own life his own interests his own girls and problems.. and here i go making him one of mine and he doesnt even know how i feel.. he treats me so nicely.. hes so cute and caring.. i get mixed signals from him and i dont know how he feels about me.. as a friend or more.. or i duno.. but then i see him talkin to me about different girls and then i know that he isnt interested in me in the way i would like it to be.. i have this overwhelming feeling of sadness because i know what i want i cant get.. and i hate being like this.. he just came online right now.. changed his statues to away n then went offline.. atm im appearing offline because i dont feel like talking to anyone.. dont get me wrong i am happy.. its just that deep down what i really want isnt there.. ive noticed ive tried alot of things to get his attention.. it works.. it always works.. he always talks to me... but.. i cant explain it.. i can tell hes always distracted by other things in his life.. hmmz.. i havent felt like this about anyone in a really long time.. and i dont like it.. :( i thought having crushes was fun but its not at all.. since ive realised that i actually do like him ive started feeling worse about it.. and i feel awkward at times.. when i talk to him now im scared that i might say something that will give him a hint or clue how i feel.. and i sorta hold myself back.. i cant even remember how i used to talk to him.. its so weird.. :S i feel alone.. i dont think anyone understands how i feel.. im scared to talk bout this to some people because i dont think they'll take me seriously..
You took my heart I must confess
Deep in your eyes
There seemed to be a look that said
Hello, is it me you're searching for
Suddenly my sunshine turn to rain
I dunno if it'll ever come back again
Thats what you are sunshine and rain
You didn't say you had a man
That never belonged within your plans
And it hurts so bad
Someone tell me
Why are all the good girls, taken everytime
And why do I keep falling for Someone else's dime
Everytime I says Hello Then they say Goodbye
So why are all you good girls Taken everytime......
Good Girls - Joe.. if u substitute the girl into guy thats how i feel... even though this person isnt actually taken or has a girl physically or wateva.. i know that his heart belongs to someone else :(
btw... woke up at 5:00pm today.. 15 hours of sleep.. no idea whats wrong with me :( hmmz my blogs r always sad.. sorry but thats the only way i cant get rid of these depressing feelings so i can be happy on the outside...
anywayz anyone have any thoughts please comment.. i need help :S
mwahz xoxoxo

blurred vision 

ѕраѕтісатєd

i went to bed at 5 last nite.. at 9 my grandma called my fone.. i have no idea wat she wanted.. i think to talk to my mum.. all i can remember is that she was speaking assyrian.. and wats strange is that i was replyin to her in assyrian and kinda speaking fluently.. thats really weird because i usually stumble with words... i no assyrian problem is its in my head and when i try to pronounce the word i hesitate and get it wrong.. maybe wen im half asleep my brain doesnt have time to double think the word and i just speak out gettin the word right.. isnt that amazing? hmmz anywayz she called me n i remember gettn outa bed walkin around all upstairs.. then ran down to look for my mum.. went outside.. all while my eyes r half shut.. and then i ran bak upstairs n bak in bed.. i woke up again at like 12-1 or sumthin.. it was really hot and stuffy in my room and i didnt get a really good sleep..
my cuzin was over been over since thursday night.. hehe we were talkin last nite and sumthings been really annoyin me.. i no she didnt mean it in that way but its still buggin me..
theres this assyrian party on the 12th of feb... for valentines day.. and shes goin with her bf.. and our frend goin with her bf.. and she wants me to go.. but i really really dont wanna go.. and not becoz i have no1 to go with.. i just find goin to those kinda things really boring.. and only fairfield tts go :S but anywayz she thought i didnt wana go coz i have no1 to go with and she started to give me advice to find some1.. shes like be more open.. wen ur walkin on the streets look at guyz directly bla blah all this bullshit.. and then shes like u should always walk around with someone whos uglier than you... and i was like omg.. i walk around with u everywhere we go.. r u like usin me coz im ugly or sumthin like wtf.. i didnt actually say anythin to her bout it.. i was just like so is that y u walk with me.. but she laughed it off as a joke.. i got offended.. but it was the middle of the night/early morning.. so u no could b honest bimbo moment and all that.. coz every1 says stuff wen theyre dead tired.. but i duno its still stuck on me and its really annoyin.. :S
anywayz today i was on the net with her like most the day.. (net junkies 23Q) haha but i was watchin the way she would talk to guyz.. shes gota kinda a flirty language.. she doesnt mean to but its natural.. for example she calls every1 hunz.. babe.. mwahz every1 and all that kinda stuff.. i wana b like that so that guyz n that can think of me differently.. wait that doesnt make sense.. it sounded really bad.. i mean most guyz i talk to see me as just a friend.. and not as a possiblity.. maybe its the way i talk to them.. i dunno...but its really :S
i feel like i always miss my chance.. and i move really really slowly.. theres some girls who just talk to a guy for a couple weeks and then meet up and wateva.. with me.. i take my time i could talk to someone for months n months n still not mention meeting up with them..but i feel uncomfortable.. and shy.. if they wana meet me wouldnt they tell me first.. if they were interested...? so id rather not mention it coz if they havent yet then theyre not interested in me and i dont wanna get myself in a complicated situation of one sided feelings bla bla.. :S wateva i have no idea wat im talkin bout.. im kinda gettin sick of my whole attitude and i wanna learn how to be more open with stuff like that and not worry as much bout wat the other person thinks of me..
im such a hypocrit (spell check).. i always give advice to people.. "u shouldnt care what people think of you"... "walk round and dont worry what they say or if they look at u".. "if u dont take chances ur neva gona get anywhere".. i never listen to it.. its easier to say than to do *sigh* so depressin lolz
im kinda annoyed i was lookin forward to goin out on wednesday but then my frend baked out coz shes goin out with some other frend of hers.. :( i really wanted to go outttt... and now im stuck home again.. i wanted a change i wanted to take a risk be naughty.. haha sneak out lolz all that stuff... but nooo not gona happen.. im stuck at home.. same old boring routine :(
omg i feel really sickkk soo demented :S ive got the flu, headache, sore tummy, dizziness, sore throat... then i got emotional problems lolz... its the damn weather... really hot.. then i put aircon on... and i cant leave it on coz i get brain freezes/headaches from it.. and i sleep with the fan on with like singlet n no blankets.. so of course im gona get sick.. so spasticated in the head n body.. farkkkk
anywayz there goes yet another long boring blog which nobody reads :P just had to let it all out *screeeeeaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmzzzzz* hmmz feelin kinda better... nite nite byez mwaz ;)
ps... im soooo jealous of somethin and i dont wana be arghhhh let it out ... breathe... relax... arghhh not feelin any better... its my fault i missd my chance.. okz wateva... arghhhhh

Stars...

hmmz.. im gettin sick.. i can tell from my voice.. its kinda softer.. today i woke up at around 12.. had a weird dream but i cant remember it.. anywayz woke up watched cartoons "rocket power" haha watched more tv.. n then came on the net.. and tried to start my english essay.. spent 2 hours on it.. and all i got done was finding 13 pages of info.. i have the shortest attention span.. i get distracted so easily.. :S im neva gona get anything finished.. ive started so many things in my life and it takes me forever to finish them.. *looks on the bright side* at least they do get finished.. imagine if they didnt id have half cooked rotting pieces of meat from those days i decided to be use my talents at cookin n b a chef.. im the best chef.. *rolls eyes* once i made spaghetti.. and i burnt the oil :S who knew u could burn oil..anywayz i continued cooking not knowin the oil was burnt.. all the time spellin this really weird thing.. finished cookin.. served it to my family.. and then every1 kinda stopped eatin.. and my mums like ur burnt the oil.. :( i feel sorry for them they coulda gotten sick.. oh wellz.. thats ur fault 4 bein lazy and not cookin and leavin it up to me... hahaha
have u ever been in an awkward situation where u said something u shouldnt have.. u may hav offended a person and didnt realise it till it was too late.. or u started talkin about somthin that made the other person uncomfortable.. what r u meant to do? do u change the conversation? continue talkin bout the same thing? if u change the convo then the other person will realise the awkward situation and may start actin differently.. if u keep talkin u could say somthin even more stupid.. if the other person changes the convo coz theyre feelin weird.. do u feel bad coz u just realised what u said? lol i duno im talkin in circles.. if someone actually understands what im talkin bout.. ur my hero haha ;)
haha today amy went to the library and sat there for 4 hours.. behind her was eunice.. both didnt no that each other were there until it was too late.. they both were doin their physics assignment and coulda helped each other.. but they didnt no they were there till they left.. i think i believe in fate and destiny and all that.. so i guess this was destiny.. or there was a reason for them not seeing each other.. something better may have come from it.. that makes me think of times when im out and then someone sees me but i dont see them.. im always in a lost mood when im out.. i never seem to pay attention to the outside.. is it my lostiness that i dont see those people or is it destiny or fate.. i wasnt meant to see that person at that time.. am i meant to see them another time when its more suitable.. will i benefit for waitin and not seein that person.. lol see there i go again talkin in circles..
"Moonlight tends to look upsetting if you feel so too..." nice quote.. lol theirs no point to it.. i just like it.. haha
anywayz :S nite nite xoxoxox

Snake...

im really bored.. seems like im always bored these days... wat is bein bored really? coz wat if im not bored but im just sayin im bored.. it seems like boredom is everywhere i look.. can u b bored when ur doin alot of things.. maybe bein bored is havin expectations or hopes of what u wana b doin but ur not actually doin them things.. so to some1 else what u could b doin rite now is not borin but 2 u ur goin crazy coz ur so bored... im gona look up the meanin of the word bored..
omg u wouldnt believe it but the word bored isnt in the dictionary! (The Australian Oxford Paperback Dictionary).. things that people can do to make u go crazy... im so bored i looked up the word bored and its not even there.. i bet the people who made the dictionary did it on purpose... if ur so bored to look up the word bored and its not there.. it makes u determined to look in other places until u find the meaning of the word.. wow theyre so smart.. givin somethin 4 people to do when in the state of boredom...
theres the word bore... BORE: Make (a person) feel tired or uninterested by being dull or tedious... wellz.. no1s making me bored.. except myself.. so does that mean im lame? haha probably am.. lolz no wonder im bored.. im boring.. haha now gona look up the word on dictionary.com..
bored
adj 1: tired of the world; "bored with life"; "strolled through the museum with a bored air" 2: uninterested because of frequent exposure or indulgence; "his blase indifference"; "a petulent blase air"; "the bored gaze of the successful film star"
hmmz.. so its sayin the reason i am so bored is because of frequent exposure or indulgence.. once ur exposed to something over and over it becomes boring.. so by being on the net all the time and havin the same routine everyday my life is boring.. i need to do somethin to excite it.. :S well if i had somethin else to do i would b doing it..
this is so annoying.. i no my problem but i duno how to fix it.. how am i supposed to find somethin else to do.. im scared to take risks.. im scared of big things changin.. im scared of regrets.. im scared of heights.. omg im scared lolz
this whole boredom thing is makin me go crazy... i have no idea y im like this.. maybe coz i have no1 interestin to talk to.. i got about 27 people online.. no1 really that special.. oh wellz.. :S
today i woke up and did nothing at all.. watched a few movies.. and stuff... ooo im peeling.. im a snake.. eeww its so gross and ugly looking.. i feel so dirty..
awwww i want someone to come online... =( its only 10:47 its too early to sleep.. but i got nothin else to do.. im gettin bored of gunbound and my head isnt working to well to do skool work :S omg skool arghhh avoid subject coz im gona go crazy.. so much work to do and so little time.. *waaaaaaaa* *runs away screaming* i hate skool.. dont wana go anymore its such a waste of time.. i dont even no y i go.. wateva my heads been in a time warp these few days.. been really annoyed with everyone and bitin peoples heads off for no reason.. ive kinda been mean to a few people.. and i duno y... and i cant help it :S
oo rite now im doin sooma.. or howeva its spelt.. no meat or dairy products for 3 days.. started yesterday.. not to hard this time.. its the dream one.. but i dont wana eat that thing 2 c the dream.. 4 people who dont no wat im on about... u dont eat meat or dairy products for 3 days and 3 nites.. on wed nite u make this mixture of 7 ingredients.. including chick peas, kidney peas, flour.. weird stuff.. and then using ur thumb u scoop 7 times and eat it... its really dry and yukky.. then u do the same thing scooping salt.. 7 times... this makes u really really thirsty.. that nite u should dream of water.. and its believed that u will see ur future man.. the 1 ur meant 2 b with... wen my mum was younger she dreamt of this guy she liked givin her water.. but then this other hand took away the glass.. it was my dads hand.. theres heaps of stories like that really kool..
hmmz anywayz long blog.. thats enough.. byez
xoxoxo

BoreD....

omg im so bored

-= Emotion Concealed =-

today i woke up at 2.. i had my alarm set on at 12.. i wanted to get a good 8 hours sleep.. but i ended up gettin 10.. haha.. had the longest shower.. maybe more than an hour... listenin to eminem-puke on repeat :P went outside.. read a bit of this book.. my lil cuzinz came over.. played with them a lil bit.. and i got a new bed.. double.. hehe... its wider than my old one.. but it seems shorter... i really hope its comfortable coz if its not im gona be so annoyed.. ill just get my old bed back.. im attached to it.. its really comfy.. and im used to it.
yesterday two people told me that for the first time in awhile i was myself.. it got me thinkin bout what is myself meant to be? and how do they no what i really am like? it was meant as a compliment.. so i guess i should be happy.. but im really confused because i dont no how i was acting any different to usual.. or being normal.. or whatever i was doing to be myself..
hmmz anywayz short blog today coz nothin much has happend and my mind seems to be quiet tonight.. nite nite xoxoxo

соиfчѕєd

everytime i go to write a blog.. i just stop and think that i shouldnt.. i feel really lost and weird these days.. the other day i kinda had a breakdown.. alot of things were on me and i had to let them out.. this included me cryin non stop infront of a few people... writin lettas of hate.. umm bein quiet.. getn lost.. who knows.. ive been havin all different emotions..
this morning i had a dream.. a tsunami hit.. i was in the car with a few people.. my frends i think.. and we were drving tryin 2 race home.. next i was at home.. and i was tryin 2 get my dogs upstairs.. next i was in my room on my bed all alone.. my house was empty.. and water was everywhere.. i felt suffocated and alone.. really alone and sad.. when i woke up i had this weird attitude and feeling.. like i have to say everything on my mind.. becoz u dont no whats goin to happen 2moro.. it makes me sad that i dont have anything to tell or to say.. im so scared of what mite happen if i tell someone what i feel or wateva.. im really confused..

Sometimes I'm confused

About this thing I have for you

It makes me a little crazy

Putting me in this mood

I want to be on my own but

Then I want you home

You make me feel good

But I'd rather be all alone

Confused - Blackstreet.. describes exactly how i feel bout someone or thing.. whateva.. i am really confused.. i dont wanna be alone.. but i am scared of bein ignored.. what happens if i tell some1 how i feel and they dont feel the same way and it ruins wateva we have.. im really confused..

i feel really lost.. and alone.. my frends r all everywhere.. and i havent talked to any of them properly in ages.. some of them havent even bothered 2 talk 2 me.. i msgd pam merry xmas n happy new year.. 2 msgs.. and she hasnt bothered to call of msg bak.. i wonder why.. i talked 2 steven n she called him wen she found out her results for accounting.. i wonder why she hasnt called... i miss my frends so much!! i wanna c them n talk 2 them.. if ur readin this.. hello im here dont 4get about me with ur busy lives... im still here.. stable..stagnant (lol @ ms kim business).. at home most of the time.. goin crazy from boredom..

i know how i should be feeling.. i no how i want to feel.. but i cant seem to be like that.. i know i shouldnt have certain feelings.. but i feel them.. my whole mind and heart are goin crazy and not listenin 2 what should be happening..

does it hurt when someone u may have feelins for tells u they like someone else? maybe im feelin hurt.. but that someone is someone i shouldnt have feeling for.. omg see how confused i am! arghhh.. i need some professional help.... "DR PHIL" (haha white chicks)

i feel isolated.. thats the word.. everyday i wake up.. and my only connection to the outside world is through the net.. and even with that i dont have the ability to reach people.. my fone is quiet.. no one bothers to call me.. and if i call it doesnt seem right.. and i cant call becoz every1 workin or busy and i dont wana disturb them..

skool starts in 3 weeks!! omg.. so close.. i really want it to hurry up and start just so i can have a rountine to my life and get things back on track.. but then i dont want it to come bcoz of all the work and pressure to do my school work and do well..

i just remembered my mum n dad havent even seen my report for yr 11.. my mum asked about it and all i said was na i dont want uz to c it.. and she just left it.. so weird.. i think they forgot about me.. everyone forgets me.. im not special to any1.. i dont wanna be everyones everything.. just someones somthing.. thats how i feel!

i wanna be someones sumthin.. :S now if theres someone out there.. im here :D haha jokes.. hmmz... i feel really sick in my tummy now...

You don't know how sick you make me

You make me fuckin' sick to my stomach

Every time I think of you, I puke

You must just not know--whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa

You may not think you do, but you do

Every time I think of you

hmmz :S not feelin good at all.. just talkin to someone.. and gettin hurt n they dont even no thats wat theyre doin to me.. but maybe not.. it was a guy.. shitness.. goin crazy... *sigh* i think thats enough bloggin.. but my minds racing.. if i stop bloggin i have nothin 2 do.. except sleep.. and i dont wana sleep i wana make the most of talkin to a few people.. every chance i have.. y should i waste my time sleeping? when i can talk? ahooo lol i may have missd a chance of telln someone a secret.. interruptions.. shitness.. i just remembered my to-do-list for the holidays.. i havent accomplished even half of it.. all ive done is say thank u to someone.. i havent heard a secret or told one either..

waaaa im wastin my life.. i wana accomplish something.. anywayz.. thats enough bloggin.. i mite go waste my time playin gunbound...:(

byez xoxoxox

ps.. someone plz comment n tell me wat u think of my craziness.. someone.. anyone.. can u hear me?

иотніиg

i wanna be nothing at this moment.. i wana be hidden.. i dont want anyone to notice me.. if i want this then maybe people will do the opposite and give me attention? i dont have any idea how im feelin rite now.. i am really really bored.. maybe its coz i have to much expectations of what i want people to do or say to me.. and i duno.. im so lost i have no idea what im on about..
anywayz im gettin really annoyed about my sleeping habits.. i keep sleeping really really late and waking up in the mid-afternoon.. its really not healthy and i duno what im gona do when skool is about to start.. how am i gona get back into the routine of sleep.. the the other day i stayed up till about 6am.. and i woke up at like 3 yesterday.. it was very nice to stay up.. i was on the net talkin 2 a frend.. and stayed up i took some photos outside.. its amazing how quickly the sun rises.. it took about 10 minutes from dark to light..
last night i tried to go to sleep earlier.. i went to bed around 3 sumthin.. it didnt work.. my cuzin woke me up at 11 this morning.. she wanted me 2 come over.. but i decided not to.. i went to sleep again.. and layed in bed till about 2..
hmmz.. i wanna feel really hyped up and crazy.. but i cant.. i feel as though i have no energy to do thaat.. it takes alot to be happy.. i am happy.. im just dead.. im happy coz of somethin..hmmz.. hehe.. i have no idea what im doing.. i dont have a dp on msn.. no nick name.. and my text is normal.. hoping to fade into the background.. which i think is working because i have 24 people online and not 1 person is talking to me.. :( oh wellz.. maybe its time for me to come back.. and be normal again? get over it.. im over it.. get over it.. haha
yeps.. time to go back into the normal world again..