arghh

i feel like crying.. but when is that unusual? arghh im really annoyed and pissed off.. my sister just told me that natasha has my formal dress.. omgggg i knew i shouldnt buy it from a place so common.. but then i figured every1 will think its common so theyd not go there.. arghh its sooo annoying.. i really dont wana wear it anymore.. its so embarassing.. i cant even return it.. u can only return afta 7 days.. and i liked it.. :( i duno wat to do now... its gona b the same thing... :( im so pissed off.. and i dont even no why.. when i read back i feel like one of those 'girls' im not like that i dont wana b like that.. i dont care.. arghh but i doo.. and i dunno yyyy : maybe its coz im havin a really bad day..
i woke up at 5.. studied for chem.. couldnt concentrate.. caught the bus.. ppl kepts remindin me about steven(saro).. made me sad.. my stomach sorta kept like jumping wheneva they said somethin bout him.. went into the exam.. did shit.. came out at around 12.. was sittin outside the hall nigelated till 12:35 coz i had to giv stevn his fone. then i walked home.. i was walkin it was hot i was tired and sleepy.. and to make things worse i saw a dead bird.. it was like 5cm away from my foot it scared me.. and then i kept walkin and i saw a four leaf clover so i thought ok i might hav good luck and just as i said that sumthin moved in the long grass i jumped and sorta stumbled and kept walkin and then some guy yelled out somthin to me from a car.. that scared me too.. and i jumped.. i hav no idea wat he said but he was prob cursin or sumthin.. it was like a mumble.. :S and then i came home and prameeta called me and that was good talkin to her.. and then i came on the computer and played a game.. that was fine.. and then my sis came home and told me roxanna said that she was talkin 2 natashas sister and describin the dress that i hav to her coz roxanna liked it too and had tried it on.. and while describin it natashas sista said ohh my sis has that.. and then roxanna told her i have it to.. and then they told my sis and my sis told me.. and now i feel like shit again... everythin seems to be going wrong.. i was so looking forward to the formal and now im dredding it.. i cant do anything about it now.. im stuck with the dress.. its to late to do anythin about it.. i cant return it.. im so not wastin my money on another dress.. and now i gota concentrate on makin my dress look completely different to hers.. it was my dress i dont like sharing :( im so mean.. but i cant help it.. i hate havin plans that get ruined.. its really irritating... :( i like order and organisation and then when something like this happens my whole mind goes psycho..
oh wellz wat can i do about it now? nothin..
on a plus note ill never have to do english, legal, maths, bio, chem ever again.. ever ever never never! only one more exam.. business next wednesday.. and hopefully if i get a good uai ill be able to continue business at uni.. *waaa* im not gona get a good uai.. and then i hav to waste 1 whole year at TAFE.. aww i wana go to uni i wana go to uni *hopes that repeating this may make the people who write fate and destiny will hear me and make me do well* plz plzzzz... lolz.. anywayz this is way to long..enough bitchin from me
cya
xoxo Samantha

Roses

i duno how im feelin atm.. but i cant concentrate.. my minds distracted.. yesterday my cuzn told me that this guy named steven passed away from a car accident on friday.. he used to go to our school.. he was her xs good frend.. he had curly hair n was assyrian... do uze remember him? i think sheenal used to talk to him on her free periods.. its not like i knew him that well but im really shocked.. i talked to him a couple times when ma cuz n her bf were out or wateva.. its so weird.. i cant believe it. its so sad. and i duno wat to do.. i havent told anyone that hes passed coz i didnt no him and its not my place to tell everyone.. i think maybe sheenal should no coz she talked to him i think.. but i dont wana tell her till afta she finishes her exams.. i mean she didnt really no him but she talked to him more than i did and if im affected its probably gonna be worse for her :( i still dont know why i feel so affected by it.. i seriously cant cocentrate.. he was so young.. and hes gone?
"You dont see that we hurt
But still...
...I smile
The roses come to see me
And I can't wait for a sunny day
(Im seeing it through your eyes)
Can't wait for the clouds to break"
i keep tellin my self that a day will come where we can smile again.. i keep thinkin that after the hsc everything will be fine.. we'd be happy and everythin but i duno now somethin like this happens and its just a reminder that bad things happen all the time and we cant help them or stop them from happening.. why are humans one of the biggest and smartest creatures on earth but we cant do anythin about the pain that surrounds each of us.. we cant prevent bad things happening.. argh im just really annoyed about how the world works...RIP Steven..

arguments

hmmz.. today was a total waste.. woke up 2 disappointment that we werent going out 2day.. so spent all day watchin movies.. then around like 6 we went to visit my aunty.. she has my dress coz i wanted 2 fix the straps.. and she wouldnt let me take it home.. its a really long story but it has sumthin to do with my dad n blah blah n yeh its not even any of her business.. but still.. and i felt so shit coz i got really annoyed and i snapped out to her that 'its my dress i can do wateva i want' :S and thats wen shes like 'dont think im doin this 2 annoy u..' and started a whole guilt trip thing.. i feel so bad now but still.. my mum said dw coz shes always like that.. but it was so disrespectful of me.. she was just tryin to be nice.. afta that i went to my other aunties coz that aunty couldnt do the straps coz its a sorta awkward design and my other aunty would b better at shortinin it.. and my cuz whos like the best helps me alot with school stuff didnt ask me how the hsc was or anythin.. he began to say hows the hsc but stopped himself and said or ud rather not talk about it.. later when we were goin home i asked my mum like y he was like that n if she told him how i was n she goes she told him how im stressin and finding it really hard blah blah bullshit.. i mean omg she exaggerates and makes up stuff.. i didnt tell her maths was hard.. i said it was ok.. and that i didnt care coz i didnt study.. and she goes n tells every1 how hard maths was..and then i got into an argument bout how embarassing she can b at times by sayin stuff about me 2 complete randoms blah blah.. n then she started a whole guilt thing.. made me feel bad bout bringin it up..argh y r ppl like that.. they complain that ohh u neva talk to me.. ur like a stranger to me.. blah blah n then wen u tell them how ur feelin or try to clear the air they get all annoyin n stuff..
and omg im soooooo annoyed and disappointed over the stupidest thing.. i was so excited day light saving was startin.. coz i thought that if i wake up at 5am normal time.. wen daylight saving starts it would b 4am.. but nooo i was wrong.. it would actually be 6am that means im waking up later and losing time!!! im soo disappointed.. im losing an hour of my life and my whole systems gona go crazy.. im gona b so tired all the time and b like in this mood 4eva.. i hate being tired and sleepy i cant think and overthink...

5 down 2 to go

Biology was today and i totally stuffed it up.. i studied.. but it seemed like i studied all the wrong things.. there was alot of bullshitting involved.. i walked out at i think around 11-11:30 i cant remember the exact time. but i still feel really guilty about it.. and its not like if i stayed there id magically remember stuff.. i was finished and thats all i could write.. i got so bored at around 10:30-11 that i just wanted to stop writing and walk out.. i was so not in the mood.. and then we stayed back at the library to study 4 chem and that was sorta a waste.. we did study a bit.. but only 'a bit' omg im so upset atm i duno why but i am.. i think i maybe overtired.. i hate it when im in this mood.. i really wanna sleep but i dont wanna miss out on anythin..and i am extremely bored.. : *yawns and screams* i need socialisation.. to many exams is stressin me out and making me tired.. and i am really really really worried about chem.. i dont no anything.. im not gona learn anything.. and i will never no anything.. i really dont wanna do bad :( i cant b bothered to try.. im to lazy and tired and fed up with all the exams.. arghhh i hate them.. its to time consuming.. and ive got 2 weeks left! and only 2 exams. id rather they were on this monday and following tuesday so id never hav to sit and wait for an exam again.. : blehh total mind collapse.. save the last dance is on.. 1 of my fav movies and im not even watchin it coz if i go in my room ill fall asleep so i wasted my time.. wouldnt even get to watch the movie.. i cant keep my eyes open theyre gona start to burn.. : i need help..
*dizziness spins around falls to the ground, yells outloud, and talks to imaginary friend*
signs of insanity? maybe.. maybe not..
talking to urself is probably one..
bye byez
xoxo

yay formal dress =)

hmmz yesterday i went to parramatta with my mum, aunty and sis.. and my sis wanted to look at formal dresses.. and i bought 1! lol i really wanted to go shopping with every1.. but i couldnt leave it incase it wasnt there later on.. but ill still go shoppin with every1 coz i need shoes.. anyways its black.. the front is simple and straight cut.. the bodice has sorta silky/scrunchy material.. the back its sorta backless.. with a v shaped cut down to my ass.. but it has like thick stringy things across my back.. its long down to the floor... and at the back the material is a lil longer and sorta has a train.. its a cocktaily sorta dress... and i think i look really old and taller in it.. lol i hope i dont feel uncomfortable wearin it.. : its sorta revealing.. well not really but to me it is considerin the type of clothes i usually wear.. ohh and 1 bad thing about it is that i bought it from harts :( i 1st saw it in myer.. and i liked it.. and i kept lookin round n round and headed into harts when i saw it again and then i tried it on and then i really liked it so yeh i had to get it.. i cant wait till the formal.. and i still dont no who can do makeup.. and hair.. amy if ur sis is willing to come here then i wouldnt mind her doin makeup.. but im prob gona go get my hair done at a hairdresser..
ahh 2moros maths im meant to be studying :'( but i dont wanaaa. i hate mathssss.. im gona fail anywayz and im really annoyed that they dont show ur mark if its under 30.. and im gona hav this unknown result.. *waaaa* its so embarassing.. i no i should study but whats the point when its gona get kicked out?
im so hungry and got a headache.. ohh my aunty is rentin out this office space for her business in whethrill park in the industrial area.. any1 seen the bridal factory shops.. they have formal dresses in that block? its all the way down cowpasture road and u turn right at the huge roundabout n keep driving down... anywayz my dads been helpin her turn 1 large room into a few rooms.. been buildin walls n stuff.. and its sooo kool.. its painted blue with a sponge effect and it looks really cloudy and shes told me her design ideas and its gona b sooo pretty.. i wana work there after the hsc its gona b her showroom and stuff.. :) i hope she'd hire me..
lol i wana do so much after the hsc.. i duno wat im gona do 1st.. and i dont wana do everythin all at once coz then ill run outa things and watste my time..
my dads like washin his car.. but isnt there water restrictions still? oh well no1 tell on him and call the water restrictin patrol cars coz then he'll get in shit.. heehehehee
im growin so impatient i want the hsc to end rightt nowwwwwwwww.. lol legal on friday was good.. i was on BOS forum n ppl postin there answers for multiple choice and i think i got around 12/15 lol so im happy :D yay ok i better end this and go do sumthin.. maybe eat.. i duno.. sumthin anythin..

Q. Why is the alphabet in alphabetical order? A.The order is correlated with the lunar asterisms OR its just a coincidence.. OR that the alphabet came first and then the order came second.. comment ur ideas :) haha iwana c wat the best answer is.. and i wana no whos actually readin.. comment comment! even if i dont no who u r.. lolz :P i dont mind strangers readin my blog.. its ok.. haha
ANYHOO cya laterz... Samantha xoxox

I DONT KNOW :S

i duno why im blogging AGAIN.. but i am.. i need to keep busy.. im bored and i need to stimulise my mind.. am i happy? or am i overtired? i love rhetorical questions becoz they can be interpreted differently dependin on whos readin.. but only i when re-reading truely no how i was feeling at the time.. am i sad? am i confused? do i no where im gona be tomorow? am i confused about school? about my family? about my friends? my future? my tomorrow? my life? what am i doing and where am i going? do i feel as though im going crazy? am i worried? am i worried about my family? about my friends? about my life? about school? am i anxious? am i anxious to see what my future holds? about my future relationships with people? about my friends? am i scared? am i lost? ambivelant? depressed? mellow? cruisin? whats going on with my brain? r u gettin confused? do u no who i am? do u care about me? do u realise i exist? would u save me from myself? would u guide me through the world? would u look after me? am i regretful about my past? does my past bring horrible memories? memories that i enjoy? memories that make me happy? memories that will last forever? memories that have made me gain experiences? am i annoyed? am i annoyed at myself? at my family? at my life's situation? at my friends?
the answer to all these questions is I DONT KNOW.. these questions run through my mind 24/7.. i am constantly thinking.. i dont know what im thinking about and i dont know the answers to any of these questions. i wonder what kind of person i was and what person i have become.. "who i am, hates who ive been" or who i will become..i have been so lost and confused and this is how my life is. i am constantly in the ambivalent world.. not knowing whats to come. its not even a nice not knowing like a suprise.. this not knowing makes me anxious and my heart beats faster and i breathe heavier a lump forms at the back of my throat and i feel like crying. but then i dont becoz i no if i cry that i will be faced with alot more questions in my mind. id be questioned on the type of person i am.. and sometimes my brain isnt able to cope with all these thoughts.. and im scared to release my emotions in fear of new questions.. ones in which i have never faced before. a new unknown...

1 down.. 6 to go

i feel sick.. like im gona throw up.. not becoz of the hsc exams.. lol becoz i ate like a hamburger n chips.. and eww.. i feel gross.. to much oil..
anywayz yay english aos is now over :D only 6 more exams to go.. and i think the 1st ones always the hardest but then u get into the routine and the exams become less scary.. omg im like addicted to the bored of studies forum.. and im readin wat ppl thought of todays exam.. and some ppl wrote 1 and a half booklets.. 10 pages + omg.. i wrote like 3 and a half - section 1... 5 and a half - section 2.. and 4 and a half- section 3.. but my writing is small.. but still.. :(
anywayz yesterday i was so scared.. i hadnt studied.. and i had a really bad fever.. and my appendix hurt.. especially when i laughed.. and i laugh when im scared.. i become hysterical.. so yesterday i was in hysterics and in pain.. so very contradicting.. if thats the word.. its a paradox..
the exam was alright.. omg i cant wait till its all over.. i hate talkin about school all the time. its annoys me. and my room is so messy its not funny. i slept in amandas room last night coz of many reasons. 1. my bed is really uncomfortable lately 2.the light from outside it to bright. 3. my room is to messy 4. i was lonely :( lol na jokes about that..
yay its gona b over.. 'i am the master of disguise.. i am the master of disguise.. i am the master of disguise... ' hehe (master of disguise).. ohh i remember i watched step mum its sooo sweet and sad.. i like the quote about saying never.. never say never unless ur prepared to say never twice.. e.g ill neva neva forget u.. aww
my cuz is here.. hes 6.. he didnt go to school today coz he said hes sick.. hes wearin a spongebob t-shirt.. aww :D

язggаэтои Lатіио

Bailen, Yales
Muevan, Suden
Sientan el poder
del reggaeton latino
Bailen, Yales
Muevan, Suden
Sientan el poder
del reggaeton latino

ok i have no idea what those lyrics mean but im in luv with the song.. by Don Omar..
yeh. well today i did nuthing. as usual.. but it sorta finally hit me that my sisters start school on monday and im not going.. im sorta startin to freak out.. i havent studied at all.. and im fully serious.. not lying.. i dont know where my minds been lately but its as though i had fooled it into thinkin we have alot more than 9 days left till the hsc.. :S shit 9 days.. its so little when you see it written.. arghh *starts pullin hair out*

anywayz.. my 'holidays' have been boring. and weird. very weird. i have been very alone. maybe more than usual.. sorta isolated. the other night i sorta went very emotional and couldnt stop crying and i couldnt even remember why.. i think it was coz i read alot of my old entries and diary.. it was weird looking back on my life when it was only a few months ago. its really weird to see how much ive changed.. or how much ive learnt to cover my true identity.. at the beginning of last year i think i was secretive and very cautious about who i talked to about my problems and stuff.. slowly i got over that and began trusting people and would have looong conversations with people about my life and my issue...ive noticed recently that i have yet again changed.. ive become my old self again.. very cautious about who i talk to and what i talk about.. i think its probably because i dont want people to care. or overcare. or worry.. it makes me feel bad and very selfish. i hated talking to people because it would seem thats all i did.. - talk about my problems, talk about me, me.. me.. me.. i didnt like that.. i felt so selfish and self absorbed. well not really. not at the time.. now that i look back on it thats how i felt i WAS acting.. now that im more cautious and more.. happy.. if thats the word.. its as though a few people dont talk to me how they used to.. dont get me wrong my friends are beautiful and i love them.. its just other people who arent around me that often.. people i see once in awhile or talk to not so often..they seem to only talk to me when i have problems. maybe im not interesting when i dont wana talk about my issues. i mean its still me.. its just that im more sensored. and its not because i dont like you or because im ignoring you or i feel weird around you.. its just that im trying to change. i wana listen more to other people and quit talking about myself... these holidays are annoying me.. ive had to much time to think and as you can tell gone a lil crazy.. overthinking.. contemplating (my new fav word.. doesnt it sound smart? :D) yah..

anywayz another thing i wana talk or 'bitch' about.. its mostly about secrets and trust and stuff.. when im told a secret and told by the person to keep it to myself i keep it with me forever.. if a person tells me something that i feel should be kept a secret or i would want to keep it a secret then i also keep it.. but if someone tells me something about someone else.. i dont always repeat it but i do sometimes keep it to myself.but theres less emphasis on keeping something like that a secret.. ok now thats established.. what happens if someone tells you a secret and you agree to keep it secret.. you may not be that close as friends.. but yeh.. then the next day someone whos a lil closer to you goes to you 'guess what! blah blah blah and repeats the supposed 'secret'.. after u tell that person 'yeh i already knew'.. they get all annoyed u didnt tell them coz they r probably closer friends.. ok so what do you do. becoz it was a secret i wouldnt talk to that person about what i know and just listen to what they know and continue keeping it a secret.. but if that person found out through another person and not the secret teller itself.. would u tell the secret teller that ur frend found out from someone else.. or would u keep that too a secret? woah if anyone understood that i would appreciate your opinions.. if you didnt dont worry i didnt either :D

yah anywayz im really bored and killin time till im sleepy.. bye byez [1:01am]
xoxo samantha

...::: аятіfісіаℓ нарріиєѕѕ :::...

omg does any1 wana go see the merchants of bollywood. or is anyone already goin so i can go with uze.. i wonder how much it costs.. i would luv to go see it.. im startin to really like that whole indian feel to things.. is ashwaria ray (spell check) or wateva her name in it? there was a girl who looked like her..

соиfєѕѕіоиѕ оf а тєєиаgє dяама qчєєи

ok..the title of this blog is a tad dramatic.. but i wanted to make it interesting.. and i liked the movie.. its like a new beginning of my life is about to arrive.. as i close a chapter in my life it allows a new clean start.. i was inspired after reading i think it was akanshas site to make a similar 'sorry' page thingo.. its sorta hard for me and i guess for anyone to apologise for what they've done coz it involves you admitting that you have made mistakes or done somethin bad enough to apologise for it.. its sorta embarassing too because i may apologise for something that noone noticed.. which makes another problem and a cause for another apology..
Quote: 'im sorry for telling every1 u had diorehha and laughing and im sorry for just mentioning it again' (mean girls) duno the exact words but that one apology caused a reaction of many other apologies and im scared that if i apologise for one small tiny thing it will create the need for another and another..
maybe i should provide a disclaimer.. it is up to the individuals own discretion to further read..and if you do not want to accept the apology or you feel there was no need for the apology or if u once believed the situation did not exist.. then ignore.. hehe
hmmz where do i start.. so many people..ok maybe my family.. and then friends and net friends and other ppl...
mum.. sorry for not listenin to u, for yelling at u, for not helpin around the house more.. sorry for disappointing u..
dad.. sorry we dont get along.. sorry i hate u.. i dont.. i cant hate anyone hate it too strong of a word.. sorry i dont like u.. i dont.. 'i dont like u' is still too strong for me. im just sorry we arent able to sit in the same room for more then 2 mintues..
sisters. sorry for getting annoying and bossy.. i dont mean it im just tryin 2 look after uz.. sorry for bein overprotective at times.. its just me tryin to look out over uze..
nonorta.. sorry for gettin 'snappy' at u at times.. u annoy me greatly.. and im sorry im not able to tell u in words face to face exactly how i feel.. im sorry im not strong enough to tell u off for upsetting me.. im sorry i let u walk all over me.. im really sorry i let it get this far that even the smallest things u do can piss me off.. its just that uve hurt me in so many ways that i cant take it anymore.. im really sorry that because of this great annoyance i feel at times im not able to share that friendship we once had.. im sorry that u can probably feel this awkwardness i feel.. which causes u to dislike me and giv me those 'looks'.. i really sorry..
cuzinz.. sorry for not getting to no alot of you as much as i should have. im sorry that im not able to talk to a few of the older ones coz i feel intimidated by them making me shy.. im sorry im not a guy to go pick up chicks and go cruising with uz.. im sorry that u feel that u hav to be overprotective with me..
amy.. im so sorry that at times when i no u needed someone to talk to i didnt have the right words to talk to you.. im sorry that sometimes im not able to entertain you enough or to make you feel better.. im sorry that there are some things that you are not able to share with me.. i understand its private.. but i feel so bad that you hav to deal with things which can affect u at times..
prameeta.. im sorry that at times im not able to relate to you situations at home n stuff.. i just dont understand how someone can be so good.. but im glad that u do wat u do stayin true to yourself.. im sorry that i dont show u how much i like u :D i really do appreciate you friendship its just that i may not be as touchy or sensitive as you are.. im not able to express my thanks for all the times youve helped me i really do appreciate it and ill forever be greatful..
sheenal.. im so sorry that i never got to know you as well as i could have.. i guess we were beginning to get closer.. but im sorry i didnt get to see ur other side.. and maybe share a few more moments.. but its not over.. ill try as hard as i can to keep in contact coz ur a great friend i wouldnt wana lose..
steven.l.. im sorry that im stupid and that i can annoy u alot.. and im sorry for constantly telling u how overprotective u r over ur sister.. as a friend maybe i should try to see ur side of it other than taking ur sisters side.. im sorry that i dont tell u that ur hot and sexy like evry1 else.. hehe its just my inability to joke around just in case other people think im serious.. im sorry for being gullable and worrying what other people think of me..
chloe.. im sorry that awhile ago i had this major feeling that u didnt like me.. i dont no if it was true and i dont no if it still is true but im really sorry coz after i began to feel that my defenses came up and i started backing off.. im sorry that i didnt allow our friendship to grow
shelly.. im sorry that at times i would talk about u to other people about my growing concern that you were shoving people off and not allowing friendships to grow. im sorry i never tried to do anything about that..im sorry that you were never able to talk to me about anything.. and im really sorry for not even trying in the first place..
eunice.. im soo sorry that i was never able to get to know you better.. i can tell that you are a wonderful person.. and i wish that i had taken the time to talk to you a little longer..maybe even an extra few minutes to each conversation may hav made our friendship even stronger..
akansha.. im so sorry that at times i wasnt able to comfort you. im sorry that sometimes i knew something was wrong but i intentionally ignored it coz i didnt no wat to say.. im not too good with words.. im really sorry..
pamela.. im sorry that our friendship slipped over the years.. we were once great friends.. im sorry that you felt i had changed too much for us to remain close.. im sorry i wasnt able to tell you some things in my life but i felt you wouldnt be able to relate to me..
anna.. im sorry that you probably think im weird at times.. im sorry that the times you spent at our school before you left you felt you wernt able to trust anyone.. im also sorry that i think in yr 8 i broke the string off one of ur tops.. i still feel bad about that..
guillermo.. im sorry that i didnt get to know you at school as much as i could have.. im sorry for being weird and u giving me those weird looks..(every1 noes the msn emoticon.. the guil look.. *raises eyebrow*) sorry that its sometimes weird to talk to me..
michael.. im sorry that i did something to make u hate me.. im sorry that u felt u have to lie and tell people u dont remember me.. did i hurt u that much? im sorry that wat we had wasnt that great.. im sorry that i dont regret it though and that ill never forget u..
phillip.. im sorry that i wasted my time with u.. im sorry that i dont talk to you anymore.. im sorry that u lie to other people.. and try and flirt with my cuzin and use me to get to her.. im sorry that i liked u at one time..
belinda. im sorry that i didnt keep in contact as well as i should have.. we always plan to go out or meet up.. but it never seems to happen..im sorry that while u were at our skool our group would tease u.. i really cant remember y.. but im sorry..
moe... im sorry that i cant show how much i appreciate the friendship u have given me.. im sorry for making things awkward at times.. im sorry for being confused all the time.. im sorry that im not able to help u wen u need someone to talk to.. like ive said previously im not good with words.. im sorry i have burdend u with so much and yet u dont even complain.. im sorry that im not able to psychologise u and give u advice as well as u have given me.. im so sorry but i hope u no that u hav gained a frend from me for life no matter what..ill be ther 4 u
im sorry for anyone i have forgotten to apologise to.. im sorry for having reasons to apoloise.. i no that simply apologsing wont make me a better person.. but i hope it will help me realise what ican change to become a better person and someone that people can trust..
Friendship is like peeing in your pants.. everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth of it. thank u for being the pee in my pants..
yah... lol its 11:04pm. took me an hour to write this up...

lol one last thing.. im sorry this entry was sooo long.. =)

рℓєаѕє ряотєст мє

its 1:22am.. monday oct 2005.. or really late sunday nite.. its late. im tired. im bored. i feel sick. i feel like crying.

edit: http://spaces.msn.com/members/mzme/PersonalSpace.aspx?owner=1 <--my space

Hmmz...

its funny how u can b some1s frend but not no them.. and not know some1 but actually be their frend n b really close.. im sittn here thinkn about all the friendships ive had with all different ppl.. short and long friendships.. ppl who i talked 2 only once but still remember the conversations. people on the net who enlightened me with small words. or really long conversations but when faced the person in a real life situation only shared a few words. its weird how some ppl r able to communicate so thoroughly through words rather than voice. and others are only able to express their thoughts through voice and conversation, through hand gestures and facial expressions. sometimes im able to think what i want to say but find it difficult to express that feeling into words orally. but i am able to write it down
past seems to catch up to u alot.. my cuzn reminded me of some1.. and then i saw him.. havent seen him or talked 2 him in about a year now.. get a weird feeln in my tummy thinkn about it. sometimes its best not 2 remember the past. not think or dwell about the future and just live in the moment.its the best way to live. but it leaves u stranded. especially wen i need 2 plan the future and think about my life. everytime i think about the need to studyin my tummy flips and i feel awful.. really sad.. i hav no idea y.. its the worst feelin.. :( i cant explain it.. maybe its one of those times when u need to c my facial expression 2 understand what im trying to say...

To Be Determined...

omg im bored.. we're in English in the library meant to be doin some of our essays.. but i cant b bothered.. im so tired.. my back hurts and i got electricuted! :S arghh i feel like screaming.. we only got a few more days left of school. waa :'( *cries*
aww amys reminiscing about the past.. which makes me wonder about the past 2.. i miss things.. in english b4.. we were talking about if u would trade in a memory to make a new memory.. i wouldnt.. amy said she probably would.. but i cant give in memories.. memories are your life.. im soo afraid to lose memories.. so everyday of this week and our last few moments of school.. ive been trying to capture them.. taking my video cameras.. and digital cam.. takin pics and making memories. its really sad.. gona miss everyone
omg ms roberts is sooo sweet.. she made us little cards and things.. with pictures and our class names.. with like a long mesage.. its so sweet.. i wana get teachers n pplz stuff but i cbf coz i dont like organising things and then ppl backing out of it.. i dont wana do anythin anymore.. its sorta a waste of time..
my hands gettin tired.. ill edit later my english is really bad.. :( not feelin good.. im broken.. my brain isnt connected today..
byes

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once said :~

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once said: A man can stand anything except a succession of ordinary days.
so its like 11:03pm. tuesday. i got home from livo 2day n went to sleep until about 9 or sumthin. i was so tired n really really bored. Johann Wolfgand was so write wen he said ppl can live with anythin except a million normal boring days over n over. u run outa things to do. i dont really no wat to do with myself. i hate it wen i have extra time i start to think and wonder and overthink and bitch n complain moan whinge go crazy. its not healthy.. watched 'Wedding Crashers" today. it was good. OMG i cant get over the fact we walked into the wrong movie. thats soooo funny. were so stupid lolz.. 'how long is the movie?' 'i duno.. hmmz from 12:40 to 3:00.. thats like 2 hours 20 minutes', 'wat cinema..?' 'cinema 9' ... walk into cinema 9.. rite movie rite cinema.. wat time was it? 1:40.. lmao got the wrong ticket. i cant believe it was so funny.. 'ys the movie like half way? were only 10 min late.. ' hahaha anywayz.. the movie was funny.. laughed alot which was good after a bad day of maths results.. shitness.. omg n my movie 'tea with mussonlin'.. its been discontinued. y do i always get the crap stuff.. can i get a misadventure for my english exam mark. its not my fault i had to make up stuff for the essay. the movie doesnt even exist anymore.
i hate school sooo much. i hate getting our results. i hate thinking about how im gona miss everything. i hate how everything is the last of. im trying to take mental pictures of it. but my brain capacity isnt large enough to remember moments. the moments r gona b gone :( argh.. to much time to wonder bout the future. i hate thinking about the next day. i hate not knowing. i hate everything but its ironic how the things i hate are gona be the things i miss the most.
i duno wat to do with myself. i havent been goin on the net much anymore. i have no social life outside of skool coz most of them ppl dont talk 2 me or ive totally started ignoring ppl. i feel so mean. my cuz came up 2 me n said hi.. blah blah. n i didnt even say hi. i wrote 'k' n thats it.. lolz. im really annoyed at myself coz thats really mean. i wasnt in the mood to talk to anyone. n i havent been in ages. everytime i c ppl on the net i ignore most n dont go up 2 them or im busy playn games. yay im lvl 84 in RO now. as soon as i lvl up the server went down :( i wanted to go up 1 more lvl but sumthin stopped me. its a sign i wasnt meant to lvl up again im not sure y.. but yeh i wasnt,
im sorta hyped up coz i slept already and im not really tired. but i no i need to sleep now so i can wake up 2moro. but i cant sleep. so i dont no wat to do. thats y i came online. n now im online i got nuthin 2 do. so wat was the point? lalallalaa boredom..
very long boring blog..
gona go maybe sleep.. duno yet
nite nite [L]uv] ~ SamZ

а fєш іиѕріяатіоиаℓ шояdѕ

Ayn Rand once said: "Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours."

yay i cant believe i finally finished the trials. last exam was business.. i had two days off so i could study. But as usual i didnt study.. Last night i began to stress.. got distracted didnt study.. woke up this morning.. running late.. early for the bus just so i didnt miss it.. OMG guess who was on the bus? SHIVASHREE haha remember her? well i didnt.. i was walkin off the bus and she was lookn at me. and i said hi. walked off.. then after all that i realised who it was hehe i feel bad.. she looks the same and i didnt recognise her. oh wellz :P anywayz business was fine.. i guess it was ok.. i didnt write that much. THANK YOU PRAMEETA lol for the lift i owe u heaps. :D

Anywayz im home.. playn checkers like the old times with my old neighbour haha.. its so weird.. Its one of my aunties bdays 2day. I ate chips n chocolate :S relaxation = junkation hehe gona be so unhealthy

On tuesday goin livo. any1 wana join. welcome. afta skool around 12... watch a movie or sumthin

Bored As[S] betta be off.. bye byez

тнє тіdє тнат ℓєfт аиd иєvєя самє ъаск

Hansel said to Gretel. “Let us drop these breadcrumbs, so together we can find our way home. Because losing our way would be the most cruellest of things”. This year got lost on my way and losing your way on a journey isn’t fortunate, but losing your reason on the journey is a fate more cruel. The journey lasted 8 months, sometimes I travelled around, sometimes there were others who took the wheel and took my heart. But when the destination was reached it wasn’t me who arrived. It wasn’t me at all and once you lose yourself you have two choices. Find the person you used to be or lose that person completely. Because sometimes you have to step outside the person you have been and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you wanted to be, the person you are.

Routine

HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY AMY (for yesterday) hope u had a marvelous exciting day and i hope u made it memorable. you only eva hav a 18th bday once.

i really didnt wana start bloggin again.. but i feel as though i have to. i need to talk.. i havent had a proper conversation with anyone in a really long time. i feel really lost, distracted, confused, withdrawn. people talk to me and i talk to them. but im just standing there. u no wat i mean? just standing and watching and nodding and smiling. do i even no wat im saying? no. i just stand and nod and say yeh uhuh agreeing.. even when im in discussions they are never deep.
why has my life been overtaken by skool? why do i feel every moment is taken up by work? why do i feel like this? am i doing it on purpose? i think i am. avoiding reality. concentrating on avoiding life. but by doing so it doesnt mean im gona become super smart or sumthing. ive bearly had time to study. thinking and concentrating on not thinking is hard and tiring work.
it feels as though every1 i considered a frend has changed.. (excluding most skool frends).. but i mean people who were my frends on the outside. in my life. im not sure if they were my 'frends' or just people. but if they were my frends why do they avoid me or ignore me. or only talk 2 me when they need somthing.. my cuzn hasnt called me in ages.. she hasnt bothered.. but she went n asked my sista 2 ask me 2 borrow a dress.. without talking 2 me.. n i let her... i duno y i gota b nice
the trials bring out the true insides of some people. its so horrible. how nasty n mean people can get. its like they r in the wild. and they r starving. and theres only 1 apple left. n they all fite over it to get it. people would pretend to share it but they give u the rotten core of it.. i duno if it makes me up myself but i would think in that situation i am nice. i would give up my share to someone who needed it more. is it wrong to think im nice? maybe nicer than some other people? argh i duno
some people say i am too nice. and it mite be true. if someones mean 2 me. i cannot tell them 2 there face. i neva stoop to their level. i would neva do wat they did 2 me. i often get used and i get hurt, but wat am i meant 2 do. atleast there r a few people who look out for me. but im not sure that those people really exist.
atm im really really confused. i havent had enough time to stop n think and cry. even though i cry alot. i havent let out my feelings. i sit here and watch life walk past me. watch people grow and change and drift. while i stay and watch and observe. will i grow and evolve to? when is it my turn to change? or have i already started to? maybe its me whos been changing while every1 around me is still?...
*sigh* *yawn**scream* im meant to be studying for legal now.. but i dont want to. i did horrible the past few exams.. im really annoyed at myself for not studying for advanced english paper. why am i so nice? why do i worry about my sisters? fuckn hate yr 8 4 bein bitches 2 my sista. i cant believe i care so much about her. omg what am i doing? am i blaming my love for my sista for doing bad in english? arghh c y i hate blogging... im a bitch :S i guess its not just blogging coz they r my thoughts n feelings.. but yeh.. its not true if u dont say it.
sometimes its easier to see what you want than to search for the truth.

аитірнои

this is my antiphon.. well not relly.. its just givin me sumthin 2 do.. plus i wanted to write down a list of things i wana do in the holidays and i couldnt think of a place to put them.. i really wonder who will be the first person to realise i blogged again.. any1.. even anonymous ppl.. comment or tell me if youve read it.. anywayz.. my list..

• learn a new language.. either spanish indian chinese or arabic..
• do all my assignments and catch up
• eat a banana flavoured gelato - done (had watermelon instead.. its really hard to find banana flavour)
• stay up one night and see the sunrise
• play a new game - done (this assyrian card game)
• buy a plant
• buy a gift for someone - done (anthonys $$ pressie.. even though its money still a gift..isnt it?)
• cook dinner/lunch - done (sorta.. made lasagne)
• meet someone new - done (met alot of ppl.. lawrences n anthonys parties..)
• go out to a new area - done (adventures with anna)
• take a photo of scenery - done (sydney harbour bridge, luna park, trees.. millions of pics)
• do a nice thing for someone getting a 'thankyou' in return - done (im pretty sure ive done this even if there is no precise moment)
• stay out one night - done (adventures with anna)
• dont listen 2 any songs for 1 whole day (24 hours) DOUBT THIS WILL EVER BE ACHIEVED EVEN THROUGH THE TIMESPAN OF MY WHOLE LIFE
• find a new career path
• get a hobby
• learn a new talent
• play a sport
• write a list - done (does this count as a list? if not i wrote a shopping list)
• use a 'smart' 'big' word atleast once a day - partially done
• drive every single day - sorta done (havent driven in awhile.. but will start again soon)
• have a -heart - to - heart- with someone
• prank someone
• scream for no reason
• draw or paint a picture or a design - done
• scan something - done
• learn to breathe and meditate
• go bowling ten pin or lawn bowls

cant think of anythin else.. dad here gota go

вџє вџє

my last blog.. bloggin makes me self-obsessed coz its a place just about me.. i dont wana b selfish no more.. im not blogging anymore.. it creates to many problems.. bye bye
p.s sistas bday 2moro.. happy bday nat

іиѕомиіа

Me and Anna made a site...

Insomnia - Chronic inability to fall asleep or remain asleep for an adequate length of time
There can be physical causes for insomnia, like medications you're taking, thyroid problems, hormonal imbalances, etc. It can also be related to depression. Or it may just be what is called "psychophysiological" insomnia, also called "learned" or "conditioned" insomnia. This happens when a life stress causes a few nights of poor sleep, but then the poor sleep is perpetuated by worry over not sleeping. In this case, behavioral modifications are most helpful in breaking the cycle of worry and anxiety. Whatever the cause, you shouldn't go it alone

• Going to bed and getting up at the same time every day -
• Eliminating caffeine and nicotine and limiting alcohol consumption -
• No reading or watching T.V. in bed (so you only associate the bed with sleep) -
• No clock-watching in the bedroom (helps tremendously with anxiety) -
• Developing and following a good pre-sleep routine every night (taking a hot bath, reading, listening to music, or whatever helps to relax you) -
• Moving to another room when you can't sleep to read or do some other relaxing activity, returning to bed only when sleepy (again, to associate the bed with sleep instead of tossing and turning) -
• Stopping negative sleep thoughts and replacing them with positive ones

lolz.. mite b wats wrong with me.. but theres many things wrong with me =D i think im just overly tired.. bored.. have to much time.. and make up diseases that i dont have.. but i really cant sleep.. had 3-4 hours sleep last nite.. and eyes r burnin now.. *yawning is meant to be pleasurable..* (quote provided by Ms Roberts.. Bio) haha i cant concentrate anymore.. im brain dead.. i tried to do hw.. but couldnt.. and i keep thinkn bout some1 i shouldnt be.. arghh cant get it outa my head.. and im not the type to obsess.. (eyes look up n down round n round.. *innocent*) haha.. i dont wana feel like this but i do.. how do u stop likin some1??? help! yeh anywayz.. ive had plenty of time to think of everythin in the world.. y are chairs called chairs? wat is a chair? who named the chair? is it a hair with a c? hmmz goin crazy.. i need a psychiatrist.. any1 wana offer there free services... lol

anywayz much luv.. samantha xoxoxo

і саяє авочт џоч

Bootiful lyrics by Babyface.. luvn songs u can relate to.. hehe =)

Sometimes I feel so alone
I call your heart
But there's no one at home
Taking a toll on my pride
I'm reaching out
But there's no one inside
It doesn't feel right, when I look in your eyes
I know love is blind, but the heart doesn't lie
I'll ask one more time, maybe this time you'll try
So tell me girl what's deep in your heart
Girl I care 'bout youI'm there for you
So why don't you care for me
Like I care 'bout you

awww how sweet.. ='( *sob* lol
atm my brain not workin.. today long day.. cleaned alot.. died on RO.. go to amy for screenshot.. haha
wanted to go livo.. not allowed.. bex and bea came over.. diana.. yeh... net nuthin.. chat.. soon sleep
bye bye

Baby Meeeee hehe =( i was so cute 

fаіℓчяє

so it was the first day of school... and i feel really bad..i duno wat my problem is.. i have the biggest mouth and im so annoying.. if i were someone else id hate me so much.. i got verbal diarehea (wateva.. spell check.. the shit thing) lol i no wat im sayin and i no i shouldnt be talkin but i cant control myself! theres no excuse for how annoyin i am.. arghh. ok got results for maths half yearly 43% failed.. i new i was gona fail but i got annoyed at myself for getn the stupidest things wrong.. so im in class bein vocal bout my marks and complainin bout how annoyed i was with myself.. and just bein really ungrateful for my marks.. i mean i guess i didnt do that bad compared to the class.. but still.. and lorenzo kinda told me to keep my complains to myself.. but did i listen? noo! :S i had to keep talkin.. and now i feel really really bad.. i mean if i had goten a mark and some1 who got higher than me started complainin id get pissd.. and i was doin exactly that.. now i feel really bad for bein a bad person :( and i regret openin my mouth..
english marks.. 13/20 = 6.5/10 lucky it was only 10%.. i didnt do bad.. didnt do good.. i got the average mark.. i wanted to do better.. hmmz wats done is done
last nite i went to bed round 1 didnt fall asleep till about like 3 or 4.. and only got about 3 or 4 hours sleep.. got home from skool and round 5 fell asleep till 8:30 :S i hate sleepin in the day.. now i got a major headache.. dizzyness.. confusion.. annoyance.. blehh all that :S
2moros mufti day arghh hate it so much.. i didnt no wat to wear.. amandas frend was over helpin her find clothes 4 2moro.. so i asked for advice.. and now under alot of pressure im wearin 3/4 black stripy pants.. long black and white socks.. white singlet.. black mini jacket thing.. and joggers.. im gona look so bad and wrong.. not me.. and gona feel uncomfortable.. but yeh :s i duno wat else to wear.. arghh
i cant think.. head hurts :'( bye byez

random quotes..

Its hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does.. the truth is everyone out there is going to hurt you, you just have to decide whos worth the pain..
there are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them up from your dreams and hold them for real, its true that we dont know what we have until its gone, but its also true that we dont no what weve been missing till it arrives...
if hes the first thing you think about when you wake up in the morning... the only thing you think about all day... and the last thing you think about right before you sleep.. then you know your really in luv..
sometimes in life you only get once chance.. sometimes its now or never..
the greatest irony of luv is letting go when you need to hold on.. and holdin on when you need to let go

шно ам і??

today i went over my cuznz place.. shane n anthony.. for a bbq.. every1 was there.. [01:01am some1 thinkin bout me...:S] anywayz.. made me think of who i am.. and y im like that.. ive come to a conclusion..
when i was younger.. i was a tomboy.. always hung around my guy cuzinz and felt more comfortable round guyz.. i started to grow older.. more mature.. and so did my guy cuznz.. they didnt want me hangin round when they picked up chicks or were just actin like guyz.. so i was kinda pushed away from them.. i had to find a new group of ppl 2 b with.. made me closer to my girl cuznz.. now i hang around girls.. and be girly with them.. makeup clothes check out guyz try n act all eww yukk.. u no a girl.. but im not comfotable with them.. girls bitch complain whinge bla bla... wateva.. i realised that if im in a situation with a big group of guyz and theyre my frends i can be really comfotable with them and joke and wateva.. but as soon as some1 mentions the possibility of relationships or some1 bein hot or sumthin.. i totally get weird.. im not comfortable and act really shy and quiet.. and thats the total opposite of wat im really like.. i like bein original and loud.. i wore odd socks to church with hundreds of ppl lookin and i yell and scream and make weird noises wen walkin round.. but if theres some guy there i totally change.. if im with my cuzn.. i hate it.. and its becoz wheneva we go out.. theres always a guy around.. or guyz checkin her out.. or a guy.. guyz everywhere.. i think thats y i hate it.. becoz i hate it.. i pretend i dont care and i dont try.. y should i try to be somethin that im not and feel uncomfortable? and if a guy does end up likin me wen im fake then i dont like him or i get annoyed.. other people think im upmyself or sumthin.. like for example.. the u18s thing.. the guy was all ova me or wateva it was.. and afta that i complained and whinged bout him.. but then people ask.. y do u even go when u no that u18s r place 4 ppl 2 meet n pick up? i really dont no wat 2 say.. i really wana meet some1.. but i duno..i cant.. im not comfotable with anythin.. i feel really bad.. i got tears in my eyes now.. everythin in my life seems to be piling up.. and i cant handle it..
all problems seem to be illuminated rite now..
my family frends skool.. everythin seems to hav been exagerated and problems seem to have expanded.. so uncontrolable.. and i dont no what to do.. ive tried blocking it.. but i keep exploding.. it never works.. avoiding the problem only makes me more sad.. and i end up here sittin on the net.. pourin out my feelings and crying.. i need a new way to deal with things.. i need to get away.. i need time to myself.. i need to find out who i am.. i want so many things 4 my life but i cant seem to get anythin..
i wana pack all my things and go.. somewhere.. who noes where.. away... i wish i was some1 else.. or with some1.. or had 1 person there just to be there.. omg i feel like cryin.. but i cant.. eyes r teary.. its 1:17am.. dad told me that i had to get offline at 1.. but i think him n my sis r watchin a movie and he 4got.. i hope he falls asleep and doesnt come in here.. i dont want any1 2 c me sad n teary.. its embarassing.. arghhh
lol its really funny.. ive noticed that wen i blog bout all this shit.. no1 seems to comment.. but i understand and i feel really bad.. y r some ppl so caring? they care so much and worry and dont no wat 2 say.. i feel bad to worry ppl.. wen its normal 2 feel bad.. i feel bad when some1 asks me wats wrong.. coz i dont wana tell them and make them feel bad.. i duno if that makes sense.. but wateva.. i want help but i dont want it from ppl that r close to me.. i duno y i feel like this wen if the shoe was on the other foot.. and i was readin one of my frends blogs id really wana help.. but i feel like they dont need to b there 4 me.. every1s got there own problems.. and they dont need more.. i think i just need to meet new ppl.. and talk 2 strangers and yeh.. i have no idea wat im sayin..
i dont wana get offline.. not yet.. ive still got hope.. ive got the willingness to be happy.. my brain is 2 sided.. i wana breakdown but i wana be happy on the other.. my head talks to itself keeps sayin relax go to sleep wake up problems will be gone.. the other says cry let it out talk to someone.. i duno which side to follow.. so i end up sittin here getn emotional.. cry laugh.. stare into space.. im rally weird.. :S
ive also realised i cant concentrate for more than 10minutes or sumthin.. i always get distracted.. and then wat i rite doesnt make sense at all..
today i laughed so much.. this always happens to me when ive had a good day.. i always seem to run out of laughs and happiness.. im really emotional.. i seriously think i need help lol..
ive been blogging for 24 minutes.. think thats enough.. just gona listen 2 some music for awhile..

*sigh*

arghh... y do some people always think that there problems r more important than urs? i mean some people do hav more problems than u.. and i bet i think my problems r worse than others.. but i mean u should atleast listen 2 someone elses problems n try help them sort it out.. not contiue on and on about who noes wat completely ignoring u..
i hate being ignored.. i hate bein told 2 butt out wen it actually does involve me.. and i seriously hate bein told to shut up.. thats the worse.. if some1 tells me 2 shut up i click it.. i cant take it.. i cant b quiet.. arghhh and i was havn an ok day 2day... but then every1 around me seems to be getn really annoyed.. and now im getn annoyed..
ok.. im moody again.. now im ok.. :S
i went drivin today.. and omg i feel really really bad coz i havent gotten my Ls yet.. :'( that was 1 thing i wanted to do in my holidays.. but i didnt.. im so lucky i neva made a list for these holidays. coz if i did i would b really pissd that i didnt accomplish it..
im really distracted.. duno wat im ritin.. last nite was explicit at nineveh club.. so shit.. not even 100 ppl came.. camera man.. told me 2 get outa a foto.. how rude.. miami pics r up.. ours isnt there.. im so fukn pissd.. y doesnt no1 like meeee =( arghh i think i embarassed shane.. he was sitn on a chair in middle of dance floor.. being the clown that he is.. and me n my cuz kathryn kinda ran around him and i ruined his hair lol..
some weird freak just added me.. assyrain.. cant spell.. and thinks he met me at a wedding and i was with amy.. i bet its steven..
anywayz im stop writin

saley kotik

At Night.. No Lights... (eewww)

S...T...E...V...E..N says:
omg...trying peeing at nigh with no lights and your a guy
S...T...E...V...E..N says:
lol...A distarter
Ѕамаитна [Mz_mE¤DoOBa][The Sooner You Go To Sleep.. The Sooner Tomorrow Comes..] says:
turn on the light
S...T...E...V...E..N says:
It hurts your eyes
Ѕамаитна [Mz_mE¤DoOBa][The Sooner You Go To Sleep.. The Sooner Tomorrow Comes..] says:
lol omg
S...T...E...V...E..N says:
At least you guys sit down, I have to freaking control ...lmao
S...T...E...V...E..N says:
AT NIGHT, NO LIGHTS

lolzzzz ok that was a lil convo from today... :S no point to it actually.. but i want comments!!! tell me what u think.. haha

im feelin normal again.. well as normal as i can be.. i woke up at 3pm =) finally what the holidays are meant for.. sleep... lol it was good.. i actually slept well.. but wakin up afta that was annoying
my dad pissed me off.. like always.. but hes getn more strict.. yesterday i kinda walked outa the house and go u cant control me anymore.. but it wasnt really walkin out.. coz i was goin 4 a walk with my sis.. with an hour limit.. omg how can ppl hav limits wen ur around ur neighbourhood? its 2 controlling.. arghh anywayz
atm i feel a bit better
i was just a bit weird coz of sumthin that changed.. wasnt big but yeh.. my net life = my private life.. my esacpe from the real world.. my net life met my real life.. shocked my system lolz.. i no thats stupid.. but most things in my real life r bad :S and my net life is good.. so i was afraid that this step over the line would also become bad.. but atm its ok..
im livin day by day again.. which keeps me sane.. thinkin bout the future is not a good thing to do.. brings too much worries and :S craziness
lmao in a convo with steven n david atm and cant stop laughin.. clowns haha
omgggg its my dads bday.. i 4gotttt omg omg omg... who cares.. lol its only me n nat here atm.. parents r out.. amandas at hungry jacks with diana.. yep cant concentrate..

BTW any1 readin this plz comment.. i wana no whos actually readin =)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAMELA

happy 17th pamela.. hope u had a magical day and hav many more to come.. :P

obliterated life

soo.. obliterate = delete, which is wat i have done to the last two blog entries.. i felt that its stuff that was really stupid and that wasnt real.. i was just crazy at the time when i wrote them..
today went over my grandmas house for the whole day.. nuthin to exciting..
didnt have enough sleep.. u no how wen u sleep if ur normal.. ur brains meant to sort out all ur problems..and ur meant to wake up feelin refreshed and more relaxed.. well somethings wrong with me coz my brain didnt do anythin.. i just kept waking up.. i think my brains in overload and cant sort out all my problems.. and i cant relax.. i duno wat to do.. i used to relax by taking long showers and havin music up full blast.. but my stupid bathroom doesnt have a power point for me to listen to anything.. its driving me crazy..
every holidays i feel shit.. my feelings become amplified.. and more things seem to worry me.. i deal with that with the thought of goin back to skool.. but now i dont even wana go to skool.. im so not looking forward to skool.. i dont wana face hw, assignments, exam results, frends.. anything :S im really hating it..
another way i would relax was talk to my frends.. but now i dont even no whats going on.. i feel really lost and confused and need help..
i breathe and breathe tryin to push that lump back down my throat and get rid of that feeling.. but it rises and my eyes fill up with tears and i have to wipe them coz if any1 sees me i duno wat id do..
arghh im soo moody these days. i wana be happy.. i spent 10 minutes staring into the mirror trying to smile.. so my parents dont realise that i spent nearly half an hour in the bathroom crying.. it didnt work.. walked downstairs sat down tears came back.. hid my face by going into the kitchen pretendin to get icecream..
it feels like i have no1 to talk to.. but i no that i have a million ppl out there to talk to.. my frends.. but i feel like im goin crazy.. my brain is split in half.. half of it is sayin talk to someone.. the other dont.. shutup.. relax.. breathe.. tears..
arghhhhhh anyone no any good ways which i can help relax..? and get rid of my worries without worrying other people..?

Bring It On

today was the "Bring it on - Youth Festival" - at fairfield showgrounds.. kathryn and bec slept over last nite.. this mornin we piked up diana n went 2 the youth fest. walked around 4 ages.. omg i got a henna tat on my hand.. of a butterfly..its cute =) and then i got this lil turtle airbrushed on my right wrist hehe.. we went stockies ate at maccas... met up with net frend.. hmmz wat else.. i duno
right now im really bored n annoyed.. my computer is goin so slow :s and i think its coz my nets capped.. afta a certain amount of dl.. it gets slower.. omg and weve dl like 1GB in 1-2 weeks :S omg lol
hmmz and hardly any1 is online... amyyy i wanted 2 tell u sumthin.. oh wellz it wasnt really important just wanted 2 tell u wat happend 2day.. but still where r u???? omg and my cuzn thinks i like this guy :S but i duno and yeh arghh lol so confusing
anywayz im just really bored and wana waste time till i get sleepy
atm im really really tired and sore and broken and moody and whingy and i need to shutup
ok bye

Reflection of the past few days...

12-04-05: i piked up anna and we met glermo at livo watched a movie (the pacifier) .. then went 2 parra by train.. walked round.. tried on some formal dresses took pics bought tickets for miami bla bla.. after that caught another train to town hall but we 4got 2 get off so we ended up at milsons point.. so we went luna park.. thenn we caught a ferry to back circular key.. and then another ferry to manly.. went to manly beach and shopped.. and thennn took another ferry bak to circular key.. and caught a bus to george st.. and walked round.. walked all the way to cockel bay.. and walked all the way bak to george st.. ate.. and caught train bak 2 livo.. but on the way we had 2 stop coz some guy was tryin 2 kill himself on the tracks.. that was near ashfield.. lol and thennn we continued back to livo.. and caught a taxi to a street near annas house(not all the way coz were cheap) and then walked bak to her house... lol and that was the end of the day.. hehe we bought a day tripper for the day.. mine cost $15 and hers only $7.50 stupid concession :S lol makin me waste alot of money payin adult.. hehe anywayz.. throughout the day we took pics of every station we visited.. and plannin to make this a routine adventure every holidays.. any1 interested welcome to join :D hehe btw my mum thought i was gona go 2 livo and head back to annas.. and my dad thought i was sleepin over nonortas house with my sister.. lol

13-04-05: woke up at annas place... caught bus to livo.. and shopped till we literally dropped and were too tired to walk.. i had to buy a dress and jacket for miami that nite.. and anna bought shoes n stuff.. met my cuzin kathryn there and caught a train to fairfield so we could go 2 nonos house.. we got ready and left for miami.. (under 18s at King Toms Club edensor rd) omg miami was unforgettable.. so many people there.. good music.. i danced lolllzzz wat a funny image.. my dancin involves me jumpin up and down movin side to side and singin really loud and screaming.. it was me amanda kathryn nonorta nevada n her bf.. there.. and we saw heaps of ppl from skool.. like moe n my yr and lots of girls in yr 11.. yah.. anywayz throughout the nite we danced.. ooo and some guy fully grabbed my ass while i was dancin.. turned around n he ran lol.. hmmz nonorta started 2 dance with her frend.. 4got his name.. kathryn danced with this dude who tried 2 pik her up.. so i was nigel 4 awhile.. till the guy nono was dancin with.. his cuzin decided 2 dance with me.. we danced for like 2 minutes.. till his frends came and he went to talk 2 them.. and then wen he came back he fully grabbed me and started to dance really really close.. :S lol tried 2 feel me up ewww and he was so tall and coz im short my head was under his nose and i could hear him breathe and it was soo yukky.. omg he kept tryin 2 touch my boobs n ass so i kept grabbin his hands and like started to jump around so he would stop touchin lolz and he tried 2 pash me.. i musta looked like a freak.. (my sista later told me that my jumpin up n down didnt look 2 good to other ppl :S) eww lol.. i also found out that this guy is there like every time wearin the same clothes.. and hes the guy who tries 2 put his dick on u.. omg ewww :S luckily he got bored and left with these other girls.. haha after we got home.. we figured that this guy i danced with was the same guy kathryn was dancin with 1st who also tried 2 pash her.. and he wasnt nonos frends cuzin.. they switched wen he went to talk 2 his frends.. arghh i was dancin with a stranger hehe... oh wellz.. it was still fun.. and crazy a nite ill never forget.. :D all the time we were there my dad thought we were at nonortas house.. my mum picked us up and we nearly got caught.. coz my dad called me and amanda n weboth hung up in his face.. we later found out he was callin coz he wanted my mum 2 get him a kebab.. luckily my mum covered and said we were in nonos room playin music and playin with our fones.. hehe yeh wat a nite.. never forget it

14-04-5: yesterday me nonorta and kathryn woke up.. did nuthin all day.. and stayed in our pjs till kathryn went home.. we bummed and relaxed.. went on the net :P which was a good day.. i got to talk to alot of people i missed talkin 2.. and 4 some reason stevens pissed off at me lol like always.. anywayz yesterday was pretty boring except some of the convos i was in.. which made me feel good.. isnt it amazing how some people can say exactly the rite thing to make u smile?

15-04-05: today was another day at home.. i woke up with a dream fresh in my head.. which involved some guy askin me if ive ever put dettol on my face... *shrugs* lol who knows.. my brain is weird.. today nono went home.. wen her dad picked her up my mum asked if she was gona go youth festival (on sunday at fairfield showground from like 1-8 free entry anyone welcome its fun...) yeh and her dads like "no! a womans place is in the home" omg.. how rude.. hes exactly like my dad.. no wonder theyre cuzinz.. haha :S oh wellz with some convincin my mum made him change his mind.. so yeh.. cant wait till sunday.. had a few arguments with my sister today.. invovling who gets to go online in the nite.. she won like always :S oh wellz.. she'll learn one day.. hmmz and thats pretty much my day.. boring..

Luna Park hehe =) 

Guess Who

today was this future leaders forum in the city at opera house.. small room.. we had to wake up at like 6 or sumthin n meet at station at 7... omg the train ticket lady was so mean.. i showed her my concession card.. and she was like "NO!!.. this is not acceptable" and then she drew lines through it... lol it was expired.. its not my fault our skool hasnt issued out new cards :S and then we had to pay $10.40 just for a return train ticket.. like OMG with all of us payin.. we payed like nearly $70.. we coulda went by a car and got full tank of petrol plus extras! lol wata waste of money.. haha
we got to the lecture thingo at 8:45 or sumthin.. got our papers and went in at 9.. it was so boring.. u wouldnt believe it.. me and amy and eunice nearly fell asleep it was that boring.. the thing was meant to go 2 like 1pm.. at 11 they had a small break.. free biscuits and drinks.. lol we stole drinks and bolted... haha ran far far away as we could.. lol pretended we were tourists so that we didnt get caught.. take fotos here n there hehe...
we walked out and there were these street performers.. this guy who walked on a titerope, juggling fire sticks and ate a big knife.. and then there were those fake statues that were real people.. (look below for pic...)
afta that we went to eat.. n then went movies.. watched "guess who" lol it was a good movie.. i liked it.. got really into it.. had tears in my eyes alot of times.. and it was really funny.. lol its a shame my frends didnt think it was that good.. i really luvd it... =D
after the movie... we decided to be cheap and go to capitol and take cheap shots usin my digital cam.. instead of payin 4 the fotos.. we went in a booth and used there backgrounds.. took about like 7 fotos.. and then this guy came in.. and goes "do u need help?" saw the camera in stevens hand.. and goes "no cameras allowed!" and then he left.. and i had the camera in my hand this time.. and another guy came in.. hes like "im sorry but no cameras allowed" lol i made up some bullshit story.. "aww but we wana pick the best background b4 we buy a foto...." "the pink ones the best" lol me n amy n shelly tryin 2 hide behind the curtains.. lol it was sooo funny.. afta bout 5 min pretendin we were gona pay for 1.. we snuck out and ran.. lol it was so embarassing.. i cant believe we got caught.. we were so cheap haha tryin 2 use their resources so we had pretty backgrounds in our fotos..
anywayz.. got on train and went home.. it was a good day.. had fun.. relaxin :D
nuthin else has really happend 2day.. well not yet.... hehe
to be continued...

mime thingo in syd 

to trust or not to trust?

ok.. now a really big quote from amys blog:
"sometimes i want to get a blog so i can bitch about ppl.. i read this blog.. n she said wot i always wanted to say.. i shall quote her.."So I was stupid enough to tell people that I had created a blog. Dumb idea; I had envisioned this anonymous on-line journal that would be full of expelled thoughts frustrations, and yes, ramblings that no one would see. Yah, right. Gradually a couple of people got the address out of me, and, subsequently, they are now privy to all my personal crap. So now - HA - I've created this one. This one will remain anonymous so that I can vent, bitch and whine without interruption and/or embarrassment." select-ramblings-maniacal-thougthsthats exactly what i want to do....arrRrz..but sometimes i feel like wots the point of writtin it if i dont even know if anyones is reading it.maybe deep down.. i want to be understood by people..why is it when we looked into our soul, look down into our mind..our thoughts are too immoral, too impure to be told to people...well at least thats how i am.."
so i just quoted amy quotin someone else.. it makes me think what the point of a blog is.. and why people intend to write them.. when you blog shouldnt youconsider who ur audience is gona be? well i no i did.. and i make sure i dont offend anyone or say anythin that could hurt someone else. i understand a blog is personal.. but how can a blog be personal if its available for the whole world wide web to read? so with the intention of letting you feelings out you should be aware that people do read your blog and you could hurt people. after reading some blogs i think that maybe a blog isnt a good thing to have always. it can hurt.
hmmz.. dont trust anyone.. maybe best advice given to me by many people but ive never really listened to them. i think i might take the advice now.. i trust people but to certain extents.. there are only a few people i can trust entirely.. and even them dont no every lil thing about my life.. there always has to be limits..
i hate the net atm.. theres no point to it.. its been a big disappointment having it back.. i think i was over excited to have it back and now im sad coz its such a waste of time.
holidays are here.. planning adventure.. wana do so many things.. but the situation with my dad is gettin more hopeless.. hes getting even stricter and for no reason.. i hate him so much sometimes.. today he insulted me.. i think he said something along the lines of me being stupid and lazy.. i tried 2 defend myself he told me to shutup.. and i was like so i have to sit here and be insulted by u? and hes like yes i can insult u as much as i like.. hes going crazy.. even my mum says he is.. hes picking on every little thing.. my grandma is kinda old.. shes at the stage of complaining and whinging bout life.. my dads actin like her... really old.. and hes so pessimistic.. its depressing.. he thinks he knows what the world is.. for example.. i was thinkin bout getn a job at a movie place (hoyts or greater union) hes like whats the point u wont get the job.. they dont go for people like u.. *raises eyebrow* wtf? what people like me? what am i? how rude can he get? he goes i no what its like.. ive been through life.. omg he doesnt even have any friends..
i think thats y he doesnt let me n my sisters out with our frends much.. coz hes jealous he doesnt have any... its not funny.. im serious... thats how he is.. today he wanted me 2 go on the net and get him this paltalk thing.. he wanted 2 listen to people talk about conspiracy shit.. i tried 2 get it for him.. but i couldnt find it.. and he got pissed off coz i didnt know what he wanted.. i couldnt get what he wanted.. so i wasnt allowed on the computer.. hes jealous that we go on and play and know how to use it.. he doesnt let us on coz he doesnt no how 2...
arghh :S
hands gettin tired from typin.. angry typing.. im yelling with my hands lolz
yeps... thats it..
bye byez

lalala coco jambo

hmmz... im finally back on the net.. i think i expected to much.. i dont really like being on again.. it isnt at all what i remembered it to be like.. its kinda boring.. i mean its fun in a way but when im on msn.. i feel like i have to talk to every1 and sometimes im just not in the mood to talk.. or i wana do something else but i cant coz im chattin...
atm im eating lasagna.. i woke up at 5 this morning.. have been for a few days now.. i had my last exam legal so happy its over.. i think i did ok... yah.. and now im relaxing.. im really physically tired.. but my mind wants to do alot..
lol title of this entry is song im listenin 2.. lol its soo old :D but good...
hmmz enough bloggin
bye byez
xoxox

і наvз яєтчяиєd

wow it feels so good to be back.. i got adsl yesterday.. and im finally online :D im really really happy... i had my chemistry exam today... calculated possible marks... 53% highest i think i can get.. so hopefully ill pass... it wasnt as bad as i expected.. although if i had studied harder i mite have gotten way better... my waking up at 5am didnt seem to make up for not studying the weekend before, and on monday & tuesday...
the net is so amazingly fast that ive already downloaded 6 songs in about not even 10 min.. not coz it took that long to download each.. but because i didnt know what songs i wanted.
at the moment i should be studying for biology.. but i think i deserve a break... (omg phone just rang! not used to being online when it rings coz i used to get disconnected when i had slow dial-up) hehe... yeh anywayz i havent started to study... but it isnt that hard.. hopefully.. she basically told us all the questions anyway.. all i have to do is answer them and memorise.. wont be too hard..
ok.. i better go have a bit more fun till i have to go study..
12/03/05- hair redone... lol just so i know how long its been till i have to get it done again
bye byez
xoxox
Samantha

im at skool atm sittin in the computer rooms 4 legal.. stupid msn wont work... :S hmmz.. nuthin really to blog about.. nothing happenin lately.. got in a fight with my mum last nite at ffld :S not good :S hmmz ummmmm theres nuthin to talk bout.. sistas got a bf or sumthin.. wateva

happy chinese new year :P

atm im at Bonnyrigg library.. havent been allowed on the net for about two weeks... at the library doin research for chem n english assignments due friday.. im nearly done just got a few things left to do.. on msn2go as well.. hehe naughty naughty ;) i hired this comp for like half an hour and im kinda :( that noone that exciting is online.. i guess i just gotta wait until another time.. it wasnt meant to be..
omg amy brought tarot cards to skool and was telling my fortune it seems alright.. did love one.. not to good.. said that nuthin will happen :( stupid valentines day got everyone thinkin bout love and romance :( depressing..
lol naaa its not that bad.. i dont feel anything... its pretty good.. i keep gettin into fights with my family :S i wanna move out and its the rite thing to do.. but i duno if i can and all coz its weird..
omg amanda went through my picture album and saw some pics she wasnt meant to see and now she thinks she noes my secret.. shes so nosy and S L O W... she doesnt realise that those pics are about a year old.. wow its been a whole year :S time flys....
hmmz anywayz i only got about 5 or 10 minutes left on here.. so i betta stop bloggin..
till next time.. mwahz
xooxox

Don't Let Up

slept over kathryn n beccas place last nite... woke up went cogee beach at like 10.. i was prepared 4 a good day... but stupid lifesaver dudes havin a competition n races.. closed beach and only place we could swin was filled with seaweed ewww... just sinbathed a bit... lol got burnt.. saw a few hottiez... and heard really nice accents.. i wanna b english/irish bootiful accents...anywayz went home at around 3 or sumthin near 4... now im bak at there house relaxin... omg im so depressing and i didnt even realise it... everyones commentin bout my blog bein sad :( i gotta b happy.. try bloggin about happy things..
im not really sad... its just that wen im bored i over think and be really dramatic or sumthin and its kinda annoyin.. i gota stop doin it :S i realised that im kinda clostrophobic.. well my mum said i am... thats y i get scared wen she drives and theres 2 trucks near us and i go crazy.. so scary... its not only in the car though.. wen im in rooms with alot of ppl in them i cant stay in there without startin 2 breath heavily... lol its funny if u think bout it...
omg :S lol annoyed now... ive been on for about an hour or sumthin and i didnt talk 2 one of my friends coz i was busy.. and i go wait afta i blog ill talk.. and just now i saw and they went offline... arghh how annoying =(
anywayz im really tired.. sun taken all my energy... *sigh* *yawn*
oh yeh i was meant 2 blog bout tuesday that went n how i met up with this dude.. and how it was stupid and blah blah guyz hav 2 many expectations n theyre all the same up themselves luvo snobs haha lalala
*yawnz* oo so scared my sistas gona read this. like amys bro read hers.. so embarassing... 4 awhile i used 2 worry bout it but i 4got and started 2 rite stuff that i dont want ppl to read.. let my gaurd down... and im really worried now someones gona read my blog n get the wrong impression or think im a psycho.. im not... im just weird.. i dont have any mental problems.. well i dont think i do.. :S
No matter how bad things get
Girl don't let it get to you
I know you're trying to make ends meet
So girl don't let it get to youY
ou only got one life to live
So don't let it get to you
So go on and make the best of it
Just don't let it get to you
inspirational song... "Don't Let Up" - AKON... makes me feel betta :) so annoyed though... i ordered his album 1 month ago.. was getn imported n they said giv it 3 months... and then i heard from a frend it was out.. soooo annoyed.. they didnt even call me 2 tell me it was out.. i wanted 2 b the 1st 2 hav it.. but nooo a million ppl got it now and im not an individual anymore lolz haha
:D lalala so bored... and tired.. no1s here.. amanda n becca at beach... kathryn at work.. nats in the shower.. and im nigel sittn at computer... i wana hav fun now and talk 2 every1 coz i wont b on in ages. :S but i have no1 2 talk 2.. :S mite stop bloggin coz yeh...
bye byez xoxoxo

lala

school started on monday... its good.. nice bein bak talkin 2 every1.. havent been allowed on the net for so long.. but yeh.. its not that bad,, its helpin me have a clear head.. i no whats real and all that. no more overthinkin and overdoin stuff and all that.. its good... hmmz i miss goin on only coz i dont talk to some people.. but atleast my heads cleard and i no that all guyz r idiots and yeh...