иоѕтаℓgіа

I was looking through pictures from last year, and then it hit me. I miss how things were, i miss the people, i miss the less stressful situations, i miss the past. Remember when we were younger, and nothing mattered. The only thing you had to think about was what cartoon you were going to watch when you got home from school. You thought the world was filled with nice people, that everyone has to like everyone else, that things you wanted would be given to you. We took so much for granted. Friends, Love, Family. But now, its like we need to work for all the things we want, the things we need. Its not possible to just sit back, and let someone else worry about you. Things don't just magically work out. We need to think for ourselves, we need to physically do things for ourselves. We need to worry, we need to plan, we need to organise, we need to work. They say ignorance is bliss, but with age comes wisdom and respobsibilty. As we grow older our minds grow, grow with knowledge, concerns, worries, thoughts, plans. This responsibilty is overwhelming. Everyday we are faced with decisions that could affect our future. Your one little decision could change destiny and lead you into a whole different future. These thoughts scare me.
Before i make any decision, my mind goes through a sequence of questions. Im faced with questions like what, where, when, how, why, and the why and how become intensified. These questions get analysed further, with questions such as is it worth doing? will it benefit me? will it hinder my relationship with others? will it affect my life in a positive or negative way? etc. I think that if i wasn't faced with these questions every single time i wanted to do something, i would be a completely different person. I would be doing something else. I wouldnt be at uni, i wouldnt have the friends i have, I may even be living on my own somewhere. But because i choose and decide the things i do, this is what i have. Sometimes i wish that i was a different person. Someone who did what i really wanted to, someone who didnt become shy, someone who was able to do things without any consequences. I wonder..
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I havent blogged in awhile, i dont know why i havent. Sometimes i feel like hiding in my room, not talking to anyone. Other times i need people, i need to talk to survive. I just get in different mind sets. Life is filled with variables and controls. My controls include, my going to uni, who my family are and thats basically it. I think that the overwhelming amount of variables in my life is what makes me worry. My variables include, who my friends are, what i do each and everyday in my spare time, on my weekends, on my holidays, who i talk to and who i dont, what i eat, where i live, the environment, the weather, transport, trains, buses, planes, cars, car accidents, accidents of any sort, crimes. There are so many things i am not able to control. I wanted to go on a holiday. For two whole days straight i was planning and organising to go. Trying to convince my mum to go with me. Thinking of what i want to do, where i want to go. After two days of going nowhere. My thoughts change. I begin to worry about how ill get there, what i need to get there, what i need to plan. It hurt my brain just thinking about it all.
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I feel disconnected and awkward talking to anyone. I feel really withdrawn as a person. I am not social, bubbley, talkative, crazy, or whatever i once was. Music in my life is important, i always try to keep up with new songs, but recently ive also disconnected and im listening to old songs, not paying attention to the lyrics or even the music. Im not sure why i am like this, and im not sure what it will take me to become connected to the world once more. But i hope i can change and be how i was once. I havent had a 'deep and meaningful' with anyone for such a long time. I actually havent cried either. It sounds like a good thing, but im not sure it is. I dont want to be one of those people when they're 80, they live in a small isolated house, with cats or dogs as my only friends. I want.. Im not sure i want.. Im not even sure what i need. Im just loafing, drifting, waiting for something to hit me. What if nothing hits me?

тчиє-іи

Well, i don't know why i am exactly blogging tonight. I'm not really in the mood but i guess i needed to tune-in. Uni has started, its going pretty good. I'm liking my classes so far. But heaps of work to come. Oh and we have lectures in this new smaller room, so its easier to check out the guyz :) Um.. been really really sleepy, and tired. Must be coz im sick. But what can you do? What else? Thats it. Still feel pretty much isolated. There isnt really anytin to look forward to. Just tired i guess. I really wanna write and write and talk and talk, but i can't. It feels as though theres stuff to say. But its not comin out. I'm just too tired to think, and write, and isolate whats been bothering me. I just need time to sleep, get caught up on my thoughts, and figure it out

Edited: 2-08-06 10:30pm.. If my status on msn is "away" or "busy", please forgive me for not coming up to you, to talk to you. My gosh, seriously, *rolls eyes*.

fояℓояи

The title this entry, is perfect. Forlorn Appearing sad or lonely because deserted or abandoned;Forsaken or deprived. Exactly how i feel, even though i havent literally been deserted or abandoned. Ive been home in my room by myself for so long, that im feeling beyond bored. Its not even boring now. Its just "bleh". I feel so isolated and alone. Sometimes i don't feel like talking to anyone, i want to but i dont. I dont know why. Its weird. I feel so lost, i cant remember what ive done in so long, because i haven't done anything. My life (verb) is a blur. a tiny pigment of my life (noun). I need a new word for life. I dont even know what i'm doing anymore. I dont even want to do anything. Its strange. Anywayz.. today i was on the computer, and there was this cat meow-ing and it was so annoying. I didnt even know where it was. I looked everywhere but i couldnt find it. Then i just figured it was me neighbours meow-ing for some odd reason. It went on for like half an hour. How strange. hehe.
I woke up at 9 this morning, The first time i've woken up before 12 in a long time. I had to register for my tutorials. It was so crazy. I ended up havin 5 days a week of uni. I was so stressed. But eventually it worked out, and i now have thursday off. And i have a friend in 2 of my tuts, and 4 of my lectures. So that means i only need to make new friends in only 2 tuts. So thats alright :P
How long does someone have to wait to talk to someone who has just totally drifted? Do you ever talk to them again, or do you continue to ignore, and allow driftiness? Should you let it go? Okz.. Sleepy
Goodnight xoxo
Luv Samantha

party

lol..well last night was my cousins 21st. The alcohol dilemma was solved when his younger brother, brought alcohol from his room, downstairs, and went and bought some more. I had my first ever shot, called a "quick fuck" hehe.. how exciting. It had Baileys, Kaluha, and Midori in it. I thought id be smart a just drink it, not knowing that u are meant to skull for a reason. I nearly threw up half way through it,but managed to skull the rest down. Lol it was so funny.. apparently ur meant to skull it becoz the baileys is meant to go down first, and line ur throat to protect it from the stronger stuff. I think it was gross, becoz now i know that in fact i do not like the taste of baileys. But yeh.. hmmz... i also had 2 smirnoffs and some mudshake stuff.. that was pretty good for a chocolate milk type drink. And i dont even drink chocolate milk.
the party began boring, but got heaps better. The rooms were split with Daniels friends in one, his cousins in another, and the other side cousins in another. But it was good, because my older cousins were really nice, and actually talked to us and had proper conversations. I dunno if it was me but usually they seem so 'old' that they cant be bothered to talk to us. but i think since me and kathryn turned 18, weve sorta stepped over the barrier. Its really good.
Today i woke up at 1pm.. and yeh.. been a boring day.. only 1 more week till uni.. and i cant wait.. but in a way i dont wana go bak.. coz this semester i no that theres heaps of work to do.. :( oh wellz
*yawns* bye byez

єиичі

Ennui - the feeling of being bored by something tedious. My days are so repititious, that its become hard for me to remember what i had done the day prior to today. anywayz a really short blog. Dilemma needs to be solved. Please comment with input. Ok Saturday is my cousin Daniels 21st bday party. He said no alcohol is going to be there. He doesnt drink at all. He doesnt mind if other people drink. But he is against it for himself. His brother said we could bring if we wanted. I want to. But i dont want to. If i drink, then he might feel left out coz every1 might be drinking. If i dont drink, i want to, and every1 else might be drinking. So what do i do? Do i bring me own? Or do i not, and be a good cousin, Most of my other cousins will probably drink. Basically every1 but him. So what would you do?

Dостоя Dостоя

I went to the doctor today.. renew my prescription. got my blood pressure taken.. 120 over somethin..i 4got the number.. but its normal.. he even said its perfect. Yay im perfect :D id never had it checked b4.. andwe were talking about food and stuff.. and he said i get morning sickness.. which explains my nausea from some smells of food.. and loss of appetite. I cannot touch pizza.. and some foods.. lol its so funny.. explains everything.. Oh im not pregnant. of course. just a syptom of my acne medicines. i couldnt stop laughin. dunno why..
anywayz the whole argument is over.. i apologised properly coz he said he didnt mean it when he said he hated me.. and yeh.. i just realised we've been friends heaps longer than the argument was and would have lasted. and it wasnt worth it. so its all good.
anywayz thats it i guess.. i feel like going shopping 4 new clothes.. gota buy somethin 4 daniels 21st next sat. gota get him a pressie 2.. hmmz ok.. sleepy.. 2 weeks left till holidays r over.. who wants 2 go 2 a drink and food making day at some1s house.. most likely mine? if people r interested i will probably organise it.. if not.. leave it till a day some other ppl r..
goodnight..
Luv Samz xoxo

.

fucken shit, talk about attack... recruiting members in his army, i am hurt. fucking hurt, "I want you to know, that right now i hate you so much..you have made me feel like just, arghh i dont, i teird to fix things..i..im speechless, i never knew this side of you existesd, this cruel side, evill side, you blame everything you do on anrgy..well you are angry in living form" quoted directly from BOB. so if one can exhibit so much hate towards one, do they ever truely get over it? He talks about attacks? Hypocrite. Guess who used my name in their blog? Guess who talked about me to others? I dont understand why its ok for you to make trouble between people. Why is it relevant what CATE or LEMMY or JESSIE said about me? You tell me oh dont tell JESSIE that i told u what she said coz i dont want trouble. Then why the fuck did u tell me? why would you say this to CATE. Why is it relevant? "B.O.B... says: CATE dont ask me..she thinks im bitching about her to you..ask her" I dont care if JESSIE said "im speechless, why is she doing that" after reading my blog. But why did u tell me? Why is it relevant. You are gathering an army against me, Recruiting. Even without the knowledge of those innocent bystanders. You are using innocent comments and shoving them in my face for some sort of proof.
You act as if you are over it. And you say this by saying we can now be "net friends". What net friends? Is that what kinda friendship you want? Id rather no friendship to somethin fake. Because thats what it is. You are being fake. You want to be the better man, to help with your recruiting. I apologise to you right now without you asking me to for blogging about you. And im sorry if you see this as an attack. Because you probably will, and you will probably use this against me. But who cares ok. Thats it, Oh btw the reason why u couldnt call me, or i couldnt call you, is because i know if i have another argument with you on the phone i will cry. Because using your words. "As usual" i will cry. Of course.
You cannot say you hate me, apparently apologise for that, which isnt relevant and then want to be friends. Or supposed friends. Once you hate someone thats it. Ive seen it with other people. I wont mention any names because i am not going to use things uve told me in trust as revenge. But once you have said you hate someone, you treat them like shit, pick on them, bitch about them, and never really befriend them again. So i cannot befriend you or net friend you if i know you hate me. Thats it. The end.

тімє↔шаяр

I am so lost and confused atm. So much has happened, and it feels as though i havent been apart of it. I was involved, but i was just watching. I cant remember most of it. All i know is that i am angry-->upset--> and pissed off. Which by my definition mean the same thing rolled in one. Well, as it seems, it is now illegal to mention any names in blogs.. under the law of BOB. because i cant mention his fucken name. i will write bob.. what use is that.. people still know who im talking about. What kinda argument is that over the most stupidest things. I dont understand what happened. One minute fine, gettin over the previous argument.. and then bob pops up and starts a new argument about me blogging about the old argument. What i hate is that i said like whateva just 4get about it/get over it.. or just move on and i wont talk to u anymore or be friends or whateva. Bob continues arguing.. and when it suits him he ends the convo by leaving and saying thanks blah endin the friendship. Why is it a competition? some people always have to have the last say dont they? Bob complained that my blogging may have influenced others in our group to think differently about him, but i dont think it had.. hardly any1 reads this. Tomorrow we had organised to go to the city. After the argument he emailed JULIE and said he isnt going anymore. So when he had previously joked about not going because i was going.. he was in actual fact telling the truth. My blog isnt going to ruin any1s friendship with him, him withdrawing and acting like and in no way offense intended 'a spoiled brat' is going to ruin friendships. And because the argument from what i interpreted was about me blogging and using bobs name.I had somehow crossed this imaginary line in his head. Im so frustrated, to me this seems so stupid, im not angry, i dont hate bob, it seriously feels as if i wasnt involved. Maybe bob was arguing with himself but using me as a medium. I have no idea what happened. I guess its a waste of time, me thinking about it. Its bob's problem, he needs to deal with it and figure it out. I dont see that i have done anything wrong and i dont feel i need to say sorry. But if any1 thinks i was wrong, tell me and i will apologise it. All ive done is defend myself against remarks and accusations about myself, i may have sworn but that was all in defense and anger.. But other than that, i duno what ive done wrong...
Bleh.. whateva..

шнџ??

WhY? wHy? WHYY?? and again.. another argument with steven. Why do people think they know me? Why do they use this to judge me? arghhhh its sooo stupid. Just because i become defensive i started the argument? Just because i said that you pissed me off its my fault? why would u want me to tell u if i get pissed off straight away but when i do it pisses u off? Why do u always use excuses such as i called to start a fight coz im bored, i have pms, im jealous, or im just in a pissed mood to help verify my anger with u? first of all, u called me first to get me to call u back coz u have no credit. and second of all why the fuck would i be jealous? its so stupid. ur the one who became all competitive and wanted to prove somethin to me. i saw it as u showin off and puttin me down. When u make excuses for me, i see it as u puttin me down, and making me feel small like a little kid. Theres no respect, Even if u may be smarter than me coz ur doin science and all that crap is not the reason i become defensive. its the way u act about it. u dont have to make me feel like an idiot because i do less hours of uni than u. in normal circumstances with a stranger i wouldnt give a shit becoz it is true. u do more hours than me, it may even mean that ur smarter. but i dont care about that. i only care coz while ur 'bragging' about it, ur puttin me down. and u have no right to judge me, and say that its my fault becoz i have issues and insecurities about my marks n stuff.. that has NOTHING to do with it.. but as usual u dont give me a chance to explain why i really am pissed off, u just rush off to start blaming me and making excuses for why u think im pissed off. i deal with so much shit from u, its ok for u to get angry with me, and require for me to apologise to u, even if i feel i havent offended u.. but the one time.. well i guess its the 2nd time uve really pissed me off, and i confront u about it. u turn it into ur argument with me, and blame me.,. and i end up feelin as though im the one who needed to do the apologising. Its so bloody annoying, ur so stubborn. and its only with me that u have arguments.. You think u know me, but u dont. noone really knows me "I've known a few guys who thought they were pretty smartBut you've got being right down to an artYou think you're a genius-you drive me up the wallYou're a regular original, a know-it-all Oh-oo-oh, you think you're specialOh-oo-oh, you think you're something else"Lmao how funny is that.. exactly.. i dont give a shit anymore. i give up.. i dont wana be nice anymore. i am not gona give in. im not gona apologise for gettin u pissed off becoz i was pissed off.. its so funny the whole thing.. i could so just easily give up and forget it coz its so stupid.. but ive done it so often in my life. im not going to. why do i always have to be the nice one?
i bet ill just 4get this whole thing by 2moro, but whateva, had to get it all off my chest..
F*** Life *big scream* - im over it =D
Luv Sam XoXo

џоч шоцℓdи'т вє џоц

Today, i had my third exam.. my second last one.. i failed.. but i dont mind as it means i'm one step closer to finish this semester. I hope i can pass the course overall.. Anywayz yeah to clarify my last entry about me not fittin in our group, i dont think it meant to offend anyone but myself. And i also think he meant the group, not as the WHOLE group, but the group he was occasionally in.. the ones who sometimes or kinda alot went to the library to study. He meant to ask why i was friends with people who studied and who were "smart". The whole conversation was sparkerd by my complaints about uni. Like usual i complain.
But anywayz, just had to clear that up.. Yeah.. well my exams have been annoying because, i havent studied. Everytime i say those three words "i havent studied" i feel as though i have to justify that. At uni, im constantly like being told that im smart, and i have the feeling people think that i lie about how much i actually study. Its getting really annoying. They dont do it on purpose, and its subtly implied to me. For example, I'd do an assignment last minute... sorta complain about my lack of input into it, and then return with a decent mark. People would sorta joke about it.. and imply that im smart. I don't wanna be smart if it means having to defend myself, and prove to other people that i did or didnt study. I don't mean to sound like up myself or something, and if u think that i am you dont know me at all, but its not my fault im able to bullshit and get the right answer, or remember small important facts without studying.. It's annoying. This morning before my accounting exam, (my worst subject), as i tend to do, i started to whinge that i couldnt remember anything and i was gona fail.. my usual stress thing.. (but i honestly did not do well..) and the girls i was with began to laugh me off and say nahh u dont have a problem look what u got in blah.. Am i a joke? Its not my fault i beat them by like 1 or 2 marks. Im just lucky, i dont wana be "smart" because i'm not. I hate people "thinking" im smart. i hate them thinking it because it makes me feel small.. Like im not allowed to do good. If i do good, then im not allowed to stress or worry about other exams..
Yeah anywayz i was trying to avoid a long blog, and i wana make it a happy one. Sometimes im insecure about my looks or my personality. But something my cousin Bec told me just stuck in my head. "If you wern't like that, you wouldnt be you"... those words were so strong i cant get them out. and it makes me so happy to know that. I know that sounds weird because everyone always tells you that, and you always read it or see it on tv.. But for some reason it just made sense to me now. Why should i change? If i were any different i wouldnt be who i was.. Doesnt that sound good? Yeah anywayz i just wanted to share those words of wisdom..
Thanx 4 listenin =P
Luv Sam xoxo

цРѕєТ...

Why cant i put my nick as upset without people questioning it?.. like i guess its nice that people ask whats wrong.. but its when people who never talk to you start asking, when it gets annoyin..well im upset most probably due to guilt,, and anxiety <-- ive been told thatz the word to describe my feeling..well im feeling guilty ever since i had a bad dream, where i woke up with guilt and feeling like i ws about to cry coz i hadnt studied for my exams yet... and then ever since then ive been freaking out.. and im so scared to study.. im scared of my exams.. i dont know why.. i have a few more days till my finals.. and as i write that my tummy jumps, and my heart races.. im afraid.. but im not exactly sure what im afraid of... failing?
As i waste time, and try to avoid studying.. i start to think and contemplate on my behaviour and attitudes.. recently ive been very jealous of my cousin Kathryn. she got her motorcycle license and is getting a bike soon. im not jealous about the material things shes got.. im jealous of the fact that she had a dream of gettin her motorbike license and she has achieved it.. this made me wonder what my long term dreams and goals are.. and i havent come to a conculsion as yet.. i still live day by day and that scares me. i have no long term goals, no hobbies, no skills and nothing i am passionate about.. ive discussed this before, and still have no reached a result.. i talk to others about what they want to achieve, and what they would like to do, whether it be travel, job, love, money, life.. these people have certain ideas of where they would like to be in those different aspects of life.. and for me i am not able to think of what i want.. i dont want to travel, i dont wana go bungee jumping.. i dont know where i will be in five years let alone where i will be tomorrow..my whole life has been built on decisions to suit tomorrow.. i went to high school coz i had too, i continued to yr 11 and 12 coz thats what all my friends were doing, i went to uni coz thats what some people do after high school.. and after uni i guess ill get a job coz that jus the right thing to do.. but what do i want to do? who do i want to be? and where do i wana be?
I have no dreams, no aspirations, and i dont know where i belong.. steven asked me why i was even in the group of friends i was in high school.. he said i didnt even belong.. i duno if it was meant to be but i took it as a sort of insult.. and i felt bad that he implied i shouldnt be friends with the people i am. even though he meant it as to say that i didnt fit in as im different coz im weird or something.. actually come to think about it i dont really know what he meant by it.. but yeah.. and then he pointed out a fact that i already know and hate about myself.. the fact that i prevent him and others in doing 'immature' or funny things.. for example practical jokes.. i tend to say 'noo stop..' and i act like a mum.. :S i hate that so much about myself.. i worry way to much about the consequences it prevents me from having fun.. im not a fun person..
Another thing, i dont know what to do with my life.. i feel so out of touch.. im scared of everything, and i dont feel safe anywhere...i feel like i dont belong, and im scared of whats to come. im not able to spend today thinking about tomorrow, because if i do i wont be able to sleep. i become really "anxious" if thats the word.. i become worried and stressed and a horrible person to be around.. i don't know, i don't know who i am, why i am, where and how i am.. i am me but me is so many confused masks.. which am i, which is the good me, and where do i fit in.? should i be fake? should i act a certain way? maybe if i act a certain way long enough i'll become it.. like W.Somerset Maugham once wrote: "Sometimes people carry to such perfection the mask they have assumed that in due course they actually become the person they seem"
Today i worked with my aunty at the shangrila hotel.. where pams mum works.. so tired.. my shoulders/neck hurt from bending too much.. i went to a jewish synagogue to decorate and it was sooo pretty.. it looked like a theatre with leather seats and really nice wooden everything else.. and marble.. wow.. yeps and that was my day.. lots of contemplating and little doing anything..
Maybe i should try to get some sleep... goodnight.. sleep tight..
Luv Samantha xoxo

υивяєакавℓє

i felt like blogging.. except i dont know what to write..argh lately ive been having bad dreams.. today i woke up.. and then fell off my bed!.. I was wearin like boxer shorts.. and i just sorta slid out.. and fell on top of my laptop wire.. and now i have this dent on my knee from where the plug thing dug into my skin.. oww.. what a way to wake up :S
um.. well im on stuvac.. meant to be studying i guess.. but as usual.. my laziness has taken over and im not.. and im sooo bored.. i wana go out! on the weekend went to akanshas 18th.. it was soo good! =D yay.. we need more parties like that.. it was ooo so fun.. especially the trampoline..
hmmz duno what to write.. i wana write so much except i duno what to say.. or how to say it..how come no1s blogged in ages? hmmz anywayz ill just list some points that have been bothering me.

• feel really really ugly atm.. not just today.. it might be an ugly phase
• feelin very lonely
• argh my dad wants to go to uni :S
• my sister has addiction problems with a game
• my other sister doesnt know how to share with her sisters.. only her friends :S
• im bored, sore, and hungry

the end.. xoxo Sam =

ѕичffℓєчраgчѕ

well ive been sittin here for a few hours with a blank screen with the title "Snuffleupagus"...i keep gettin distracted and my original intentions and ideas have sorta gone.. hmmz.. snuffleupagus was Big Birds friend that only he could see.. i guess one could say that he was an imaginary friend.. in One Tree Hill.. Peyton's like goin out with this guy from Fallout Boy.. except no1 believes her coz no1s seen him.. they refer to him as her Snuffleupagus.. anywayz as the story goes.. eventually like on Sesame Street, they all finally see him and realise hes not imaginary..
and the moral of this story is......
it doesnt have one.. except i want a snuffleupagus!! i want some1 all to myself.. that no1 else is allowed to share with me.. :(
hmmz.. and theres people that i dont talk to often that i really really wana talk to but i dont want them to get the wrong idea about me..i just realised that by not talking to them giving them the impression that i like them, ive done the complete opposite, by ignoring them and now they probably think that i dont like them at all.. hmmz and now ive run outa time to find the balance between the two.. :( i really want uni to finish.. but then i dont becoz i havent gotten to make friends with certain people..
anywayz i really need a Snuffy. so if any1 can get me 1.. plz let me know.. thanx
Luv Samz
xooxo

x-men3

today we watched x men 3... it was an excellent movie..its like 12:30 and im upstairs on my laptop.. and this feels really kool... more like a blog/diary thing,, maybe coz its really quiet and im sittin in the dark,, duno..wana sleep nowz,, bye bye
zZZzzzzzZzzZ

"Smelly cat, smelly cat, its not your fault"

well.. its been awhile since ive blogged, and awhile since ive actually talked to anyone.. its weird how we have to 'catch-up' with people now.. and how its not like b4 when every1 knew what was goin on with everyone else at that exact moment it happened.. well im gona try to make todays blog 'happy'... like i was goin through my old entries.. and saving them onto word.. i wana print it out.. so its more of a diary.. hmmz stevens been watchin friends.. anywayz this semester is nearly over.. and it went so fast.. if i look back i havent really come out of it being any different. or have i changed? i feel so weird at uni... i feel really introverted and like a complete freak.. im social.. like i say hi 2 people.. even if i dont know them... but id rather sit down and crochet like an old lady. not carin what people think.. then to sit there and act happy n friendly;.. omg how depressing... lol i try not 2 think bout crap.. and then is start havin a convo with steven bout uni n crap.. i dont even no why i complain.. its not bad at all. but its not as fun as i expected.. u watch movies and every1s at parties n stuff.. and havin fun.. but uni is like high school.. with the competition and the work.. when will it end?
now we are discussing how when people first meet you.. they dont get u.. like the other day i was babblin on bout somethin random.. tryin 2 make a joke.. be funny.. but they just thought i was really weird.. and over time, i guess people do get used to u and ur personality.. but after this semester im gona make different friends and have to start all over again.. there is no time for people to get me.. so how can i be myself in that sorta situation? yah.. happy happy happy.. happy little vegememite as happy as can be.. is that even a real song? or did i make it up? if i did make it up arent i talented? i remember once i had a fascination with pictures of snails and some real turtles.. i kinda forgot about that.. but i know why i liked turtles.. it coz in primary i got picked to hold a turtle names Lyonal. (dunno how to spell it..) but he was sooo cute. he was really old.. and my friend got to hold 3 baby turtles name heuy. leuy, and dewy.. (spell check again).. and i like pictures of snails.. coz in spongebob square pants.. gary says 'meow' and its cute... lol...
hmmz im bored.. and not sleepy enough to sleep.. i might just go 2 bed and listen to music.. ohh and my stupid ipod wont work coz my sister put her one on and now it wont read or accept mine.. and i have no songs on it coz they went on hers.. *angry face*.. oh wellz atleast i still got my stereo...
bye byez
xoxo Sam

tired

im really tired from all these assments, exams, assignments, homework.. if actually got a sore back/shoulder from typing too much and writing too much.. and sore hands.. and tired eyes.. i want to sleep.. but i cant.. got a group marketing assessment due 2moro.. and a small management exam.. argh tired.. cant wait till thursday when i get to sleep in..*hopefully* fingers crossed i can sleep.. some ppl at uni r really nice.. 1 of them gav me a lift home.. and i feel really bad coz he doesnt live anywhere near me.. and hes neva been to our area b4.. oh wellz.. how nice =D others are not nice.. =( but thats just me whinging and comparing to my real old friends.. just like to critisise how they arent like uze..

~-!.<

hmmz.. so i thougt id come online tonight..and maybe try to watch some one tree hill episodes.. but i came online.. and msn signs in as usual.. appearing offline.. and i had 31 people online.. so i decided tonight mite b a good nite to try and catch up with some people.. i sign on.. and its weird.. people come up to me and talk 2 me.. but i dont feel connected with them.. i duno.. i dont like msn much anymore.. i do.. but i dont.. =S
yesterday i woke up.. and i felt like cryin.. duno y.. but maybe i had a bad dream.. but i felt really sad.. yeh anywayz afta that i new i was gona hav a bad day.. and i did.. some events at nite occured.. and i felt like cryin.. was at dianas 16th bday party.. and yeh.. stuff u dont wana c and dont expect to c or happen did.. and i dont wna talk bout it.. and dont wana bring it up.. but i get really grossed out.. upset.. cringe.. wheneva i think bout it. and yeh. arghhh and wat makes it worse is that im tryin 2 b ok with it coz ppl told me 2 relax bout it.. but then other ppl told me that im underreacting and i should aargue about it and make a point of it.. all i wana do if 4get.. argh anywayz thats not the point of wat i was gona say.. well afta the stuff happend and i got home..i really felt like talkin to some1.. and i wanted to come online.. but then my brain stopped me when i realised i have no1 to talk to about it.. yeh and that made me feel really sad.. i feel like im stuck in between to worlds.. not high school vs uni.. but more of my social worlds.. i duno
and sometimes i feel like a 'stick in the mud'.. lol is that the rite saying? like i feel that wheneva i do somethin im always ruining the fun.. i feel like some1 who when does somethin 'fun'.. isnt really havin fun.. i cant let go.. like for example.. i went 'clubbin' last week and as norml people do.. they drink and get drunk n have fun.. but wat i do is drink.. but only a little bit.. and then worry bout every1 else 2 make sure they arent too drunk or doin somethin theyllregret.. why ami like that? like even group outings.. i always worry.. like when steven wants 2 sneak into another movie.. y do i refuse? y do i wana pay again.. y am i like that? its not fun.. i hate being like that.. and i guess that sorta happened last night.. and i worrid.. and i didnt hav any fun at all for myself.. i cant let go.. im my head i say that i wont worry and ill do this.. and ill relax.. and get so hammered i wont remember anythi.. but when i go to do that somehin stops me.. and its so annoying.. what the hell is that? and why am i like that?
ok another thing i was thinkn bout.. i was watchin big brother.. and watchin how every1 hasto make friends with every1.. and i remember how hard that was in the beginning of high school.. and i guess i always took for granted having such good friends who ican trust.. and knew where i stood with every1.. but now.. with uni..i dont no if the people i call 'friends' are friends.. i dont think ieven trust any1.. i dont even have proper conversations with them.. and i realisd i made friends with the type of people i dont really like.. those competitive.. schooly types.. high schools over and there r still a few who ive met that r like that.. and then there are other people who make me feel so young in age.. and inferior coz they all work, drive nice cars are all older n hav more life experiences than me.. i really dont fit in.. and i dont no y those ppl that ive met arent as nice and comfortable to be around as my old friends.. and even steven n guils uni friends r nicer and more normal than some of the ppl ive met.. why is that? i dont fit in anymore with either worlds.. =S where do i belong?

Holiday Update:

Sunday: Easter @ Kathryn & Bex
Monday: Easter @ home
Tuesday: Go Karting @ Minto, Movies @ Livo "Failure To Launch".. got biggest bruise from go karting.. met steven & guils uni friends Jackie & Andrew.. very nice ppl..
Wednesday: Easter Show, Pam's Bday.. very very tiring day..
Thursday: Shoppin @ Parra & Stockies
Friday: Nails @ FFLD Movies @ Stockies "She's The Man", Dad's Bday
Saturday: Gelato @ Verandah Bar .. left at 8pm.. david & shane picked me, anita & Kathryn up.. went ffld station.. met up with shanes friends mark & dean, caught train.. went verandah bar.. stayed till 3am sumthin.. went maccas.. walked 2 train station at 4.. trains didnt open till 5.. walked to darling harbour.. walked back to town hall. caught train at 5.. got to fairfield station.. car wouldnt start.. car broke down 6 times.. changed car battery.. went maccas for brekky.. got home at 8am sumthin..
Sunday: went to bed at 10am.. woke up at 2.. stayed home..
Monday: ashton slept over.. home all day
Tuesday: home.. catch up 4 uni. except havent actually started yet.. and its like 5pm.. got 3 assignments due.. and a few exams :S *stress time*

ѕрєєd

happy easter i guess.. not so happy for me.. but when are holidays ever a happy occasion? im so pissed.. we went to kathryn n bex place for easter 2day.. and it was all good.. and it was just startin to get better when more of my cuzinz came n stuff.. and then we had to go home coz my dad wanted 2 visit his uncles place.. and argh i guess thats wat got me pissed in the first place.. and then he was driving.. and he was bein an idiot and sayin that food was 'shit' coz thats wat it turns out to be.. and i told him of for bein rude and gross.. and then he started arguing with me about who noes wat.. and i asked if he had drunk any alcohol.. and he had..and then we got into another arguement about drink driving. and i cant really remember what.. and then he started to tell me to shutup.. and arghh.. i hate that.. and i was so scared coz by this time he was speeding.. and goin like 120 in 100 zone.. and 80 in 50 zone.. and i just sat there cryin in the back of the car freakin out.. and him callin me selfish and crap.. he called me selfish coz i go i dont wana die.. and hes like ur bein selfish.. like wtf.. so he wants me 2 die? me livin is being selfish? arghh i hate this.. i duno wat to do.. how much longer am i gona put up with this? and its only gona get worse.. we totally dont get along.. our opinions n views are completely different.. and hes not open minded.. which frustrates me.. very different ppl.. and all we do is argue.. and he keeps tellin me 2 shutup.. and he said if i respect him i would neva speak in front of him.. arghhh im really annoyed.. and i have a huuugee headache.. i had another arguement with him yesterday.. and its only gona get worse.. coz hes gona b home on holidays n stuff from work. so hes gona b around more.. :\ what do i do? i cant shutup and let him think that what he is saying is right.. hes rude, mean, ignorant.. and theres no way to let him think that hes smarter then ppl.. theonly reason hes like this is that he makes up stuff... and talks about it infront of ppl who wouldnt no any better and believe him.. his stupid crap is bullshit.. and becoz i no some stuff bout stuff.. he sees me as a threat.. or somethin.. well thats the only reason i can think of. or maybe it is coz he hates my voice and can stand me like hes said many times.. !! so pissed..

ч макє мє ѕіск

yesterday, i woke up at 5:55am.. got ready and got dropped off at miller tway stop at 6:44 just as the quarter to 7 bus was comin.. jumped on and headed to livo.. waited for steven.. and we precisely caught th 7:17 millenium train to the city.. then we caught a bus to UNSW.. i felt like such an intruder lol.. steven was gona get me 2 sit in his tut.. but alot of ppl told me that the tutor would ask questions and i got scared.. so called guil.. and we sat in one of the computer labs.. i played rollacoaster tycoon while he tried 2 do some work.. he only managed to write one sentence in an hour.. lol i feel bad.. he kept tryin 2 show me how 2 play.. then he burnt me the game.. yay :) how nice.. thanx it kept me busy last night when i was bored. ok.. at 10 steven finished his tut.. and akansha came.. and we met steven's friend Jackie.. steven thinks she reminds him of eunice.. but i didnt talk 2 her that long 2 find out..she told steven that i seemed 'active' hmmz.. she told him it meant like social or somethin like that.. hope it was a compliment.. :) ok.. then me steven and akansha caught a bus.. we were meant 2 get off at town hall.. but we neva seemed to pass it.. and we ended up somewhere else.. past pitt street.. so we had 2 walk bak.. then we went kfc and ate.. and then we went 2 the movies and watched 'yours mine and ours'.. i thought i was a good movie.. (good movies can make me cry).. it was funny.. except steven kept commenting it was a little too 'brady bunchish' hmmz.. after the movie we went to find pamela a bday pressie.. got somethin.. hope she likes it.. afta that we dropped akansha to the train station and headed to find a bus so we can get back to uni in time for stevens tut.. at 4pm.. now.. u would think that catchin a bus in the city would b an easy thing.. all we wwanted was one that got to anzac parade.. there were plenty of buses that kept coming.. but did we get on one? no!!.. we waited for about an hour... ok maybe i exaggerated a little.. but it was more than 45 minutes.. ohh and to make it worse it was pouring down rain.. and there was no room under the shelter.. water was creeping up my jeans.. my toes were cold.. i was freezing and wet.. and getting sick.. *achoo*.. we waited till 4:00 when steven gave up an crossed the road.. i had 2 follow him even though i was determined to find a bus!.. at 4 we decided it was time to go home.. so we caught the train to livo.. i was soo tired.. i felt like sleeping.. but nope.. couldnt.. got to the station and caught the tway.. i caught it to prairiewood and went to stockies.. i got there at 6.. and waited in the foodcourt all by myself till 7 for my sisters n mum 2 come.. didnt end up leavin there till 10.. got home.. and played rollercoaster tycoon and went to bed at 12.. i spent a total of 18 hours out of my house.. and i was dead.. i woke up at 11 2day..
ok.. my title of this blog is u make me sick.. and im reffereing to something i cannot talk about.. but someone told me somethin.. and its becomming a big burden on me.. and if the secret i no is true.. i feel sick in my stomach to no it.. i shouldnt no it.. and i hope its not true.. but in a way i hope it is.. but i dont.. arghh.. ok i feel really guilty for hopin its tru.. only coz if it is tru it will teach this person a lesson for being the way that peson is.. serves u right kinda thing.. but noo its awful to think that.. :S arghhh
wat is it about secrets these days? i no another 1.. but this ones a good 1.. it involves some1 comin 2 visit.. but the family wants it a secret.. but i no coz my dad went fishing with one of the ppl that no.. and that person told him bout it.. hehe i can proabbly write who it is here but just in case some1 is readin that shouldnt be.. i wont.. ohh and they r comin 2moro.. so i only have this secret for 1 more day..
i wana go nowz.. get off the net.. let my head rest :D
good byez
Sam xoxo

='(

arghh.. so pissed atm.. im so sick of this.. so sick of everythin.. its an insult to my being.. i no i may be overreacting.. i no i neva went onto that account.. but u dont just delete my pictures and my details.. u dont just dissolve me outa ur life.. (and no im not talkin bout a guy.. my cuz without tellin me changed the username and got rid of pics n stuff from this account we made 2gether).. i feel so pushed outa everywhere.. a few years ago.. i new exactly where i fitted.. who i hung around.. who were my friends.. who were my enemies.. (*i joke i joke* i have no enemies) now.. every1s gotten over it.. its annoyin.. its such a transition i cant keep up..
everythin around me, everyone around me are moving on.. and im slow.. i cant keep up.. i duno what to do.. im livin about an hour behind normal people..i dont no where i fit in.. and there are so many mes.. im the me with my high school friends.. im the me with my family/household.. im the me with my family/cuzinz.. im the other me with different family members.. and im the new me at uni.., but i still dont fit in.. assyrian new year festival is gona prove difficult.. last year i new exactly where i fitted in.. 1 me was going.. but this year.. there are all different people from different areas of my life going.. and i dont no which me to go as..
and now all of a sudden i have to deal with uni.. i have so many assignments to do.. and im gettin scared.. but what makes it worse is that no1 else seems to be worried.. they're all dealin with it.. i feel so young..! everyones older than me in age and in mind.. i duno if im mature enough to handle it.. i havent been this sad i guess u can call it.. and so confused in a long time.. i guess its just coz ive been so busy i havent had time to sit and think about it all.. i havent even cried in ages.. maybe im gettin stronger? i duno.. but right now i dont feel that strong..argh *sigh* *breathe* *smile*
moving on... its april fools today, assyrian new year 2.. and we get to change the clocks on sunday.. i think it means we get an extra hour of sleep.. i hope we do.. the thought of us losing an hour of sleep makes me sad. :(

p.s. i hate it so much when ppl use 3rd person when talking or in their nicks.. duno if its 3rd person dont no the technical term for it.. the one where they write for example samantha is bored.. no wat i mean?

snob

im at my aunties office atm. meant to be sending and receiving her emails, and doin other stuff.. except shes busy talkin to a client.. its my day off.. :D yay.. got so much work 2 do 4 uni.. dont feel like doin it.. i finally cleaned my room yesterday.. after about a month of it gettin messier n messier.. :S.. argh at uni this girl.. she makes me feel so uncomfortable.. when i first met her she talked about god and religion for an hour.. and after that i felt so odd.. i felt really bad coz i wanted to avoid her at all costs... i had a lecture on wednesday.. a really boring 1.. my lectures run for 2 hours.. and i was so not in the modd for it.. i got there and the elcturer wasnt there.. waited for 15 minutes and he still wasnt there.. and THEN!.... the weird girl.. (well shes niot weird.. but wateva).. well she came and sat next to meee.. i didnt no what to do.. i said hi.. and told her i was about to leave xcoz ive been sittin there for a long time.. she said ok bye.. and i ran off.. i feel like the biggest snob :(.. but am i? or is it ok not to talk to people who make u feel uncomfortable? i feel really bad.. i dont wana talk to her.. its really uncomfortable and weird.. but i dont wana b a snob.. and im stuck at this uni for 3 years.. shes there for 3 years too.. oh wellz.. other than that.. the poeple at uni r pretty kool.. but i still miss uze all..! lets have a get together at my place 1 day, we can play games, watch movies, and eat food.. if anytime any of u wana meet up or come over, just let me no.. ill organise it.. :D anytime at all.. id ont care.. :) oh and this weekend its assyrian new year.. and theres this festival on sunday at fairfield showground.. if any of u wana come.. let me no.. itll b fun.. or if uze dont wana come to that.. we can do somethin on saturday.. the zoo is still an option.. we didnt end up goin this weekend.. just let us no if any of u r available
gota go do some work.. edit this later

disappointing hair

i got my hair done on saturday.. and i wasnt 2 happy with the cut.. i didnt realise how bad it was till on tuesday. just b4 i washed my hair.. i took a foto of it just incase it went curly.. i looked at the pic.. and i hate my hair.. i neva look at my back side.. and my hair from the back was shocking.. well IS shocking.. its a V shape.. and i wanted a U shape.. i didnt want layers... and hes cut sooo much.. ive got layers everywhere.. so when it grows out.. even now.. its like fluffy.. argh.. and i feell sooooo bad.. my cuzin went 4 her 1st ever time to get hair p.straightened.. my recommendations n everythin.. and when she washed it 4 the 1st time it went curly.. and frizzy.. and gross.. and now she has 2 call up and c whats gona happen.. and its all my fault.. i so trusted them.. been there a few times now.. and now its kinda disappointing.. im not gona blame the shop.. its probably the hairdresser.. i had some guy named KEN.. so if uze eva go dreamix.. dont get him.. yeh i feel really bad about kathryns hair.. i couldnt even call up 4 her coz i didnt finish uni till 6 today.. i hope she atleast gets it redone 4 free.. or a refund.. seriously 300 bux is alot when u think about it.. :S

аѕтяоℓоgџ

this morning i checked my horoscope for yesterday.. and its so true.!

Pisces 12-03-2006
You might wake up this morning, look in the mirror and decide that you hate what you see - even though you probably look fine. Therefore this is a good day to shop for new clothes, or get that haircut. Perhaps you're feeling a little blue, and getting out and indulging yourself is more a necessity than a luxury. But don't overindulge in food or drink at this time, dear Pisces; tomorrow you might not like the consequences!

lol.. yesterday i did wake up n feel gross, even though i had gotten my hair done on saturday.. and i went shopping.. and i bought clothes.. :D yay.. and last night i was eating chips n drinking coke.. and i felt yuk so i stopped eating.. and told my sister not 2 let my drink soft drinks for a long time.. coz its really unhealthy...
feelin really alone atm.. u no that alone.. ur not actually alone, but its like noone undestands u.. and noone is actually there 4 u.. they're there for the point of just being there. i duno how to explain it.. but i want some1 whos there 4 me.. and only me.. even if its just for a minute.. it would b nice 2 have some1 who cared enough to just sit there 4 u.. oh wellz waateva...
todays my day off from uni.. yay.. but im kinda bored.. i have alot of hw, and normal work to catch up on.. if u dont do ur work.. and if ur not 'proactive'.. u will never learn anything.. theres hardly any due dates.. no1 tells u what to summarise or what to take notes on.. they dont really check hw or anythin.. if u dont go ahead and 'study'.. and do it all urself, u will never ever learn anything.. ive been goin 2 uni for 2 weeks and ihavent learnt anythin.. so im freakin out and tryin 2 become 'unlazy' with schoolwork.. and actually 'study'.. omg how scary.. me of all people.. studying.. haha.. if i ever get around to it.. i have so much time.. i only go 2 uni 3 days a week.. and i have no idea what i do on the other 4 days i have off. but it feels like i have no free time at all!.. its annoying.. ive been so busy lately.. but i duno how.. or what ive actually been doing.. oh wellz..
i havent seen any1 in ages... well ok.. since our bday picnic thing.. which was only about 2 weeks ago.. wait.. not even.. it was only last week.. :( y does it feel like ages?! =( i miss every1.. it was fun sittin under that tree and talking and laughing.. i liked laughing.. i havent laughed that much in ages.. haha lil kids and lil puppies r funny..
sometimes i think that im unable to let go.. its hard for me to see things that i love to go away..
got distracted.. gona go.. bye byez
Sam xxoxo

ѕтєаℓіиg

last night i had a dream that i was in a shop.. a really big shop.. and i was emptying this handbag coz it was full of stuff.. then i saw these earrings.. and they were pink and i really liked them.. dangly and everythin.. i went to show my aunty and she goes to me.. they arent earrings.. its a belly ring.. so i put one down.. and i really wanted 2 buy it.. i thought i could probably wear it on my ear somehow or give it to someone else.. and as i was going to pay for it another one of my aunties was outside the shop n she called me over. so i went outside the store,. and then i saw my cuzinz at some outdoor restauraunt so i went over to them.. there were all these bbqs and they seemed to be spittin out fire so i had 2 b careful walkin over them... anywayz kathryn was there n so were dave n joe.. and i saw kathryn n i showed her the bellyring.. and i gave it 2 her.. and thats when i realised i had stolen it.. i felt weird.. kinda like i didnt care.. and when i woke up i felt guilty for not caring even though it was only somethin small..
Stealing: To dream that you are stealing, denotes that you are deprived and where the stealing takes place (at home, the office, at school....) is indicative of your neediness. Alternatively, it may signify unrealized and unfulfilled goals. You may have set your goals too high.
hmmz.. so yeh.. thats what it means.. well i havent been to the shops in ages.. so i guess its sorta right.. about the unfulfilled goals bit.. who knows..
argh ive hit a point in my life where im bored again.. u no when u have all these events ur looking forward to and hav been waitin for them to come like forever.. they come and go really quickly.. and now ur left thinkiin what next? well im there.. ive had these amazing few weeks with all this new stuff happening.. and now.. now i dont know exactly what to do..
yesterday on my day off i made a collage of pictures of all my relatives on my dads side to give to my grandma whos in hospital.. its really really big.. im really proud of it.. i hope she likes it.. shes gona b there for 2 weeks recovering from a major operation.. i was so upset.. or am upset about it. before she went in she came over and as she was leavin she said to us goodbye coz i might never see u again.. :( but im happy that she made it through the operation.. just gota wait to see if it worked.. im prayin that it did.. i hope she gets better..anywayz i made her the collage, so if we or any of my family arent able to visit her she can just look at the collage and know that we care.. lol i no how stupid does that sound.. but yeh..
hmmz.. so yeh. atm my life is at a standstill.. and im waitin.. i have uni at 12 today.. and 2nite im goin over kathryn & beccas house.. 2moro me n kat r gettin our hair 'did' hehe.. yay..
since i formatted my comp.. i havent been on much.. and i dont have much songs anymore.. :( i only managed to saved about 1000... and i havent even downloaded a downloading program to download songs.. so i rely on my internet radio.. haha
im bored.. i better go eat brekky..
bye bye
Sam

сатсн-чр

hmmz.. i havent been on the net in what feels like ages.. but may only be a week or 2.. during this time.. kathryn turned 18, i turned 18 and Prameeta turned 18.. yay! go the 18 yr olds!.. haha.. i went to my first clubbin club at the city.. (Deep Blu at Watershed).. went to my first mardi-gras.. bought my 1st alcoholic drink... showed my i.d card 4 i.d purposes.. went to one of the best bday parties ever (Kathryns), had a pretty good bday bbq, had a great bday picnic, went to uni for the 1st time.. hmmz im so dead tired that i cant even think.. ill just fill in details later on.. gona go 2 bed now.. anywayz thanks to every1 who came n all that.. i really had a great time.. one of my bestest bdays ever :D
p.s happy belated bday kathryn & happy bday Prameeta

Nervous..

next week i start uni and i turn 18.. and its kinda scary.. its a big change.. and im not even prepared yet.. im not sure how im gona get there anymore.. i went 2 orientation day yesterday.. and i dont like my uni.. :( its deserted.. it looks really quiet.. and its sorta nowhere near parra.. its near rosehill or somethin.. near ryde.. :S and i did not see a train station anywhere near it.. oh wellz.. ill prob get my mum 2 take me a few times till i figure it out.. atm im tryin 2 format my comp.. but that means i gota backup EVERYTHIN.. especially songs.. coz no way am i gona delete my hardwork and time downloadin them all.. atm ive done programs, documents and pictures.. but ii only hav about 7 cd-rws left.. so igota go buy more.. ive got cd-rs but i dont wana use them coz i wont b able 2 delete them or wateva.. and it gets 2 confusing.. and after i eventually burn everythin.. i gota get the courage to format.. im scared that when i format.. and when i put all my stuff back on.. i had forgotten 2 burn somethin important.. and it would b gone forever.. and what if i cant format.. and i wasted ALL this time backing it all up.. argh i hate computers.. their sooo annoying.. i wish some1 could do this 4 me..

the one where i didnt know how 2 turn thoughts into words...

my mind is racing, and im feeling so much.. its so overwhelming that i just want 2 cry and let it all out.. except i dont know the reason.. im just wastin my days.. doin nothing.. yesterday we went for dinner with a these 2 families at marconi club.. and we took the kids to the game room.. its like galaxy world or sumthin.. and they were looking for staff.. so finally gettin the nerve 2 ask some1 for an application i got 1.. and i really wana apply for it coz just imagine how fun it would b.. i asked my mum and she said ok but i had 2 ask my dad.. and of course he said no.. he said that people who work dont study.. like omg wat an idiot.. argh i just hate it. he doesnt want me 2 be independant.. he does that 2 every1 in my family. as soon as some1 wants 2 do somethin benefiting themselves he always says no. arghhh the frustration and annoyance! its becommin unbearable.. the confusion is drivin me crazy.. and the complete boredom as im always doing nothing isnt helping.. i tried keeping busy, doing puzzles, reading, playing games, watching movies.. but when does watching every episode of Friends, and reading the same novel 3 times enough? how is keeping busy ever gona 'keep me busy' if ive become bored with that as well.. :S i duno what to do.. and the whole uni thing, the timetable, units, electives.. like wtf does it all mean? im so confused.. and i dont even no if im enrolled coz the stupid table thing disappeared..! arghh how am i gona register 4 tutorials.. its so bloody confusing.. and i dont even no wat the hell ive actually been enrolled in.. me bein stupid didnt even pick any subjects/units/electives.. (i havent established what means what..) oh wellz.. if i was meant 2 be at uni then it should all work out somehow.. (hopefully)..
anywayz i guess another episode of one tree hill before i go 2 bed and read another really old childish book.. i gota go library or a bookstore.. all the books ive got at home r so old.. the last time i bought a novel 4 myself was prob in yr 6 book club lol.. yeh oh wellz..
goodnite and goodbye
Sam xoxo

the one where sam doesnt have a bday

hehe oh wellz.. there goes my plans for havin a bday party.. reasons being my dad wont let me.. this is what my mum told me.. and this is the 2nd time she asked.. i dont want any problems, and im really really tired of arguing.. and i no if i end up havin a bday party without him knowing as some of my cuzinz suggested, somthin will go wrong.. and its not good havng my mum lie for me.. its not fair for her.. so i guess im gona start acting mature, and act as my age and just let it go.. i mean if it was meant 2 happen it would have.. im not sayin im not pissed.. coz i really am.. but i just figured; i cant always be pissed off when i dont get my way.. coz then ill be known as the 'pissy' girl.. 2moro i gota get my money back from the bond.. hmmz cant think anymore.. i like that quote from my previous entry.. i guess im not gona think about the future.. and live in the moment.. which means i better get going.. wana wake up early enough 2 go 2 maccas 4 brekkie
luv Samz
xoxo

the one with the friends

so my days are spent watchin friends episodes.. watchin tv, computering, playn games, eating and sleeping.. HOW EXCITING! *rolls eyes*
Lucas on One Tree Hill once quoted someone, whos name i didnt catch.. and they said: Do not look back and grieve in the past for it is gone;and do not be troubled about the future for it has yet to come; live in the present and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering
ok.. thats where i will leave it for today.. short and sweet

problems

i have problems, and i dont think id ever be able to admit that in person. sometimes i really need to talk to someone but i cant becoz i worry what they will think of me. so instead i keep it in. lately ive been extremely moody and emotional and angry and all sorts of things. and i dont know what to do. i yell alot, i stress over everythin and just about cry at every little thing that could happen. my mouth keeps asking for help, but my brain doesnt know what it needs help with. i worry and stress about organisation. i need to know every detail if im gona go out, as soon as something goes wrong like if i start running late, i stress and cry, and take even longer. today i had a good cry about buying this ugly dress under pressure. i liked it, tryed it on, but new i didnt need a dress, and i still bought it. wore it to nevadas bday party 2nite.. felt so uncomfortable in it and i know ill never wear it again. and i cried becoz 1 of my cuzinz have been tellin his cuzinz about my party and been invitin all these people, some really young. and i cried coz i feel really guilty becoz i know i wasnt going to invite them. and i cry, and cry.. and i yell at my sisters. and then i feel so bad at yellin i cry some more. its like my whole body is confused, my brain is tryin 2 tell me sumthin but i dont get it, i become confused and i dont no wat to do. so i cry. im not the same person anymore. i used to b able to organise stuff.. work everythin out, write it down. but i cant. my grandma went into hospital the other day, and i didnt even make time to visit her, and i cried. i was so scared. shes out now, but she isnt that much better, and i still havent seen her yet.. im so scared about 2moro that i cry, every 2day looks at tomorrow with fear. i need someone to talk to, i really need someone to tell me its going to be ok.. i ask my mum to help me organise my party n stuff, but i get so frustraated becoz she doesnt get me. i know shes tryn to help, but i duno,.. i get so annoyed.. things with my dad arent any better, they just seem to get worse and worse.. i avoid talking to him as much as possible, but he goes out of his way to get me angry. he says completely stupid and rude things just to piss me off.. its unbearable.. he also goes out of his way to stop me from doin anythin.. make me feel guilty.. the other day i asked my mum if she could make me a sandwich... i neva eva ask her, but she had just made my dad around 5.. so i asked.. and he yelled at me so bad.. i was so pissed. called me lazy and said i didnt care about her.. i mean how stupid and hypocritical.. she had just made him a few sandwiches.. but its ok 4 him?? arghh
at nevadas bday 2day.. sittin bak n watchin.. i didnt fit in.. at all..the ppl all typical assyrians.. i didnt no how to act.. so i just walked around,, didnt talk much.. just sat there till the end.. i felt so uncomfortable.. watchin how the girls flirt with the guyz, and danced with them. and tickeled them and all that sorta stuff.. they all knew each other.. i didnt no any1.. arghh and my cuz said shell introduce me to ppl and stay with me and stuff.. but she wasnt around much.. n her introductions were her yellin out to me sayin 'sam thats blah' 'blah thats sam' and thats it.. argh i dont even no wat im talking about, i just need to let it out, i need to talk to someone.. its 1:30am though.. who the hell can i talk 2? arghh and i feel like cryin so much.. i dont even no why.. and 2moro when i think back to today or read this ill cringe.. i always do. it seems as though after days pass, i just 4get this.. until it happens again.. my life is a circle, and nothin ever gets solved.. its just like puttin a bandaid over the problem.. its hiding, its never really gone is it? and if it is ur left with a scar..

Someone Else..

lately, ive been someone else.. im me.. but im the other me.. the annoying 1.. the one who does stuff and acts in a weird way.. i guess its emotional me.. i cant believe but i started crying outa nowhere at my cuzinz house.. all becoz i didnt no if i wanted to go shopping or not.. omg! wata freak.. who cries over that.. i guess i was just really tired and a lil hungry.. like a baby..
oh that reminds me.. i found the perfect analagy (not sure if its the right word) to describe how i feel in life at the moment.. im like a baby.. a baby cant talk yet and noone can understand it.. it cries and cries and noone noes why, and no1 seems to understand whats wrong. thats how i feel.. as though no1 can understand me. and i guess that makes me frustrated..
so yeh i got into uni.. although its at a 'crap' uni.. im soo happy.. i dont care if its crap, got a bad rep, is ugly.. im just so happy that i got in.. im doin a bachelor of business (management) at Parramatta campus.. that was my first preference so yeh :) very happy.. i think they lowered the cut-off for that coz i was off by a few marks.. i thought id miss out n get my 2nd 1.. but yay now i can go parra westfields all the time.. hot guyz *wink wink* hehe
yeh.. anywayz im really tired.. *yawns*
bye bye
Samz xoxo

edit: i keep 4gettin 2 mention that im gona go watch a taping of 'wheel of fortune' next friday..
Looking for fun free things to do around Sydney?
Why not be part of the studio audience for one of Australia's most popular game shows.
Channel Seven offers travellers FREE tickets to the recording of Wheel of Fortune.
Tickets are free, but bookings are essential. To reserve your tickets please call 1800 24 7777.
Wheel of Fortune is filmed at the Channel Seven Studios, Mobbs Lane, Epping NSW.

so any1 interested.. goooo!! plz plz.. hehe and btw dont ask y im even going.. got no clue.. just saw the ad and decided to.. its a once in a lifetime thing
oh yeh i just remembered.. slept ova cuzinz place yesterday.. n she had this 1000 piece puzzle.. and now i really really feel like doin 1.. so i might go buy 1 2moro..

'supposed' ppl who 'care' about me.. *cough*bullshit*cough*

why are people dicks? im just so pissed off.. all the liars and people who hide stuff.. argh.. i mean y do ppl feel they have to lie to avoid sumthin.. like i was talkin to some1.. not mentionin names coz they mite read this.. anywayz this person went somewhere yesterday.. and they didnt tell me who they went with.. then i talked to the other person n she asked me what i did yesterday, i replied nuthin u? n she replied she went to the same place as the other person. but with 'skool friends' im like yeh i no that other person told me.. n she changed the subject.. then she started sayn how much fun it was.. n then i asked who else went with u? n shes goes ohh i gota go.. bye. bullshit.. it was only the 2 of u.. y not tell me?.. got a guilty conscience for not invitin me? its not like i care anywayz.. its just rude for people to pretend they r ur frend n wana do stuff with u.. when they neva do what u wana do n they dont invite u anywhere. only call when u need sumthin pftt neva again am i gona help... just pisses me off so much that i try! y? y do i try? its not like i need uze i dont need ppl like u.. argh.. fakers.. y fake it.. y do i constantly try to talk to people only to be replied rudely.. or without care.. thats a really big fault of mine.. trusting people and liking people who dont even consider me on their level.. thats another thing i hate! how people think they are above u.. or better than u.. :S i hate it.. make me feel so small.. people who say they r my frend and then i neva hear from them again, IM the 1 who has to start the conversation, invite people out.. I have to do EverythinG! :S it gets so annoying, only becoz some ppl start taking advantage of that.
arghhhh fuck life.. theres no point to it.. try livin day by day is the only option..
*screams* arghh i have so much to blog about.. been gettin really pissed off recently.. and really easily.. its just gettn so annoying.. my sister.. well.. every1 knows im the oldest.. ppl hav been telln me try n get closer to them, talk to them.. maybe theyll tell u stuff.. i try.. i play ro coz nat plays.. but shes so annoying.. and in a completely bad way.. its embarassing.. she plays ro.. and she goes on the forum.. and writes all this crap.. ok so yeh ppl need to express themselves.. thats y i blog.. but she writes all this crap on an open forum 4 every1 to read.. and then what she writes can reflect on me..and people think im the 'bad guy' 'i dont care' wateva.. lorenzo goes to me.. 'ohh ur sis loves the forum.. a lil 2 much..' omg.. every1 reads stuff.. and i have to put up with it.. and then i have to stick up 4 her when ppl say stuff.. arghh and she talks 2 amy and kathryn as if theyre her frends.. and everytime i walk past she closes the convo.. i mean ok.. so talk 2 them.. but y hide stuff from me.. she even had the nerve to say.. 'i dont think kathryn wants u 2 no'.. oh yeh wateva.. ill find out wateva it is later.. and she does it on purpose.. i try.. but she rejects me.. so wtf am i meant 2 do.. and if i say i dont care and i give up.. every1 else will say how im a bad sister n stuff..arghh so annoying.. y do i try? with my 'supposed' friends, 'cuzinz', even my 'sisters'... when all i get is rudeness and rejection.. i get ignored.. whyy????
arghh so people dont talk to me.. and when i give up trying.. ima bitch.. and a snob.. oh yeh my aunty frequently calls me a snob coz i dont come over.. i dont c her daughters comin over my place.. y should i try when no1 else does?
gettin more annoyed writin this.. so better stop..
oh yeh and my birthday is givin me the shits.. booked a place on the 4th march.. but my dad wont let me have it.. doesnt get what a birthday is.. sees it as a waste of money.. he never told me that.. coz my mum does all my talkin 4 me coz hed just yell at me.. but yeh.. ill prob will hav it.. but i dont wana organise it.. and every1 keeps puttin their input into the planning.. and its turnin into sumthin i dont want.. my cuzinz dont even want me havin it at the place i booked.. they had good reasons y.. but arghh i hate organising.. :S
oh and im invited to a party on sat.. i wana go n drink alcohol.. but my sister is invited 2.. and i cant act how i would normally act.. i cant talk 2 guys.. coz shed b there.. arghh i hate it.. its no fun havin a littler sister hangin around u.. even if she is only a year n a half younger.. and that makes it worse! every1 expects us to hang around each other n b 'friends'.. she gets 2 do everythin i do.. and its so unfair.. im older than her! and arghhh
oh yeh steven told me 2 blog about reminiscing stuff from school.. most of it was funny.. but the rest was embarassing.. remember the time when pamela threw his glasses in the puddle.. or the time belinda called him bookworm and they had the biggest fight in geography.. ok wateva.. not in mood reminiscing..
bleh... totally brain lag..
bye Samz

the internet is an alternate reality in which i have died.

so, as the title suggests.. i feel as though the internet is an alternate reality, in which i onced live in. recently i feel as though i dont belong. i dont come 'online' as often as i once did, i dont talk to any1, today i started to play ro again, but i feel as though i dont belong, and when amy left me coz she was tired, i felt lonely on the game lolz.. how sad.. I dont belong in that alternate reality i had once created for myself, my escape, my comfort zone. the people in it have also left, and i have been misplaced. my reality is now my life, but i fear that my reality is a waste of time. im not doing anything with it. i feel as though i have no purpose. i dont belong in reality. if i dont belong in my alternate reality, or my real reality of life.. where do i belong? i dont seem to fit in with people. i have lost who i am, who i was is not who i am today. i once was smart, a typical nerd.. well not typical - no glassed. i was happy. today i would be so happy if someone called me smart or a nerd. how i long to have a meaning, a description, even a stereotype if i have to. just as long as i know what i am. im not smart. my family dont get along with me. my dad still hates me. my sisters dont talk to me about anything. i think theyre scared of me. if they are scared of me does that define me as a scary person? is that what i am? my school friends are my good friends.. but as all people in the past have witnessed, high school friends rarely keep in contact. those that i have kept in contact with i think will remain my good friends for years to come, but there are those few who have slipped away. however i dont always fit in with my school friends.. im not as smart, as talented, have the same interests and likes, share many hobbies.. im not like any1 else.. my out of school friends, who are completely different people - different types of people, different group of people. are not my type of people.. i dont seem to fit in with them, they may be loud, i may be loud, but i cannot be loud around them. they are very social, i like to be social, but im not around them. im quiet. so if i cant even be myself, that means im not fitting in and i dont belong.. every night, all i do is think, think about the day, think about what i want, how im gona get it, what im here for, what im gona do with the rest of my life. sometimes i think that to be happy is to buy the things you want and need.. but that just makes me feel worse. i feel like a superficial person for thinking like that. i know that life isnt about 'things', its meant to be about love and friendship. but seeing that love and friendship is harder to get than buying 'things', id rather spend my money. have short spands of happiness instead of that eternal type. today i went and watched rumour has it and i remember a quote from it - really stood out.. 'be present' or sumthin. this is what i realised i try to do. it means to always live in the moment and try and be happy. dont think about the future. i try and try to 'be present' but to be present means keeping yourself busy and happy, im not able to keep busy so i think, and then i live in the future, in my brain and thoughts. i just wish someone gave me all the answers im looking for, someone could tell me what to do with my life, someone could give me some meaning, someone could care about me and take my life iand all that burden into their hands so i didnt have to worry. is this life a dream world? can people possibly be that happy? is it possible? that hope for possibibilty keeps me sane i guess. but when? when will i have all those things? a life full of no worries and meaning? and people who really cared about me, for me and just me.?

=S

im so freakin bored!

Mean Girls/Guyz

so today.. was nice and cold.. relaxing day.. haha mean girls is such a good movie.. was on the fone with steven n he wanted to do 3-way with someone.. but he wanted to bitch about me n c what they say.. i didnt wana.. but it was interesting.. he called pamela.. n started bitchin about me.. kept sayin how stupid i was and all that.. and yeh.. her reaction to some things he said were a lil.. but yeh.. wateva.. anywayz she realised i was there when he asked her if she liked me.. she was like is she at ur house? thats when i stepped in and said no.. lol i felt so guilty.. i felt bad that we were tricking her.. i sorta feel guilty.. but it was fun.. i would hate to be on the other line or a 3-way call without knowing.. omg.. haha.. me and my bigmouth lol.. anywayz on that call i found out steven told pam sumthin bout me that i told him not 2 say 2 any1.. and then he denied it.. and i believed that he didnt tell her.. but i feel really bad that he lies/jokes so often that i dont believe/trust him entirely.. like i do.. more than alot of ppl.. but i still hav that doubt hes gona tell ppl stuff.. but who cares i have dirt on him so its ok.. hehehe
i was about to blog about other stuff.. but decided to keep this entry happy.. after all this is the new year :P so yep.. all smiles..
xoxo

Turn Me On

Kevin Lyttle once sang: Turn Me On.. hehe.. at one time i absolutely hated the song, only becoz i really really loved the song once but then it had bad memories joined to it.. and the weird thing is that i keep hearing the song recently.. and memories r comin back.. n i guess it isnt that bad anymore..
Its Started..... i hate to admit, but i think that im beginning to lose contact with some friends.. well not really, but i feel so out of touch emotionally with them.. i just wish we could be back in legal or bio or under the tree or walkin to the canteen n just havin those weird but wonderful conversations.. i miss them so much.. i feel so lost without youuuu as Delta Goodrem once sang.. haha
I guess ive started to go a lil crazy as well.. and now im totally freakin out.. im obsessin about everythin.. n gettin really worried again.. peoples houses r now gettin robbed.. :S and im so scared that im gona lose all my stuff.. not stuff.. like my ipod or computer or anythin.. but like photos or memories.. little priceless things, sentimental things.. im so worried im gona lose them.. just like my weird fear of losing my memory.. arghh so scary... im sorta like that.. very clingy to stuff that i love.. i get really emotional when i break something i loved or really liked.. thats why i guess sometimes i take my time liking something.. or i dont over use something just in case..
right now: im thinkin bout what the point of me is.. what am i gona do with my life? like im so seriously scared.. wtf am i meant to do.. i hate bein put under pressure.. i dont work fast.. especially in making decisions.. coz i end up makin really stupid decisions and end up regreting stuff.. exactly like me and shopping.. i really hate to shop for stuff. im an impulse buyer, and i usually end up regretting what i buy.. even if its cheap stuff.. omg i 4get if ive written this or not, but a few weeks ago steven calculated how much ive spent over this year.. its like about over 4000 :( i dont even no where i got that money from.. *cries* im so stupid.. i coulda bought a car.. i have no idea where it went.. except for like my ipod, stereo.. and thats it.. oh and my hair.. and clothes.. n stuff here n there.. but no way could i have spent that much..!! (i think that total included my chicken tenders with no lettuce and tomato sauces for like a year) OMG i just realised.. i ATE my money!.. ewww... gross... next year im gona save.. today i opened an account where im not allowed to touch any money lolz.. the fees are way to high.. withdrawal is like 2.50.. so im not allowed to touch it.. and yeh.. hopefully it will help me save..
today was meant to be like 37 degrees.. so hot..! but i was at my grandmas house.. lucky hers got air con.. we spent the day baking.. we made fortune cookies.. lolz.. im so proud of them.. except for the fact that theres none left.. my lil cuzin josh ate them all!.. he got about 10 fortunes.. omg hes so cute! hes starting to read.. and he was tryin to read all the fortunes.. aww how cute.. lol one of the fortunes.. my favourite.. (coz i wrote it) "if you eat this cookie you will get salmonella" hehe.. hes like whats salmonella? hehe aww jareh him..
hmmz anywayz my days are being wasted not decidin on my future but goin out with my family, n friends occasionaly..oh and playing the SIMS 2 NITELIFE like every single day for hours.. n yeh.. boring as.. oh and who wants to go the valley maccas n just sit there 4 the whole day? or go to the park across the st.. haha good old times.. back in the day.. awwwwwww its like so in the past.. :(
ok way too long entry.. rambles rambles rambles..
bye byez mwahz mwahz
luv Sam.. xoxo

edit.. OMGGGGG i 4gottttt today was my parents 20th anniversary.. omg every1 forgot!! my parents didnt even remember.. i just remembered.. omg how sad.. but lucky we already gave them their pressie on xmas.. my mum was so happy.. hehe =) yay

Merry Xmas Eve

Merry Xmas Eve.. and Merry Xmas for 2moro... =]

clap your hands

if u feel shit and u no it clap ur hands
*claps hands*
arghh i cant get outa this mood. im constantly feeling like im about to cry, im sad. when i try to smile, i get tears in my eyes. omggg arghh *slaps myself* i cant get out of this mood. ive become snappy and im really sorry if im annoying. and if it is coz im feeling sorry 4 myself im sorry about that to. i just wish there was some1 who could just be there 4 me n i would feel safe and know that id b alright.
friends ask you how u r.. good friends ask whats wrong.. hehe cute quote.. im luvn my friends atm. thats about it..
ps.. it was my sisters 16th bday.. happy bday manda

..

i duno what im writing. i feel shit. guilty, sad. regretful, nervous.embarassed.jealous and many more unidentifiable feelings. ive cried. ive laughed. ive become hysterical. and thats all just in the past two days. i duno how im feeling. i duno wat im going to do. its the fact that i didnt like my uai mark. and only because i feel really stupid now, coz like ok yr 11 and 12. there r 2 types of people. those who try really hard, work hard, get good marks. and those who just fly through the years doin work here n there. goin school every now and again, partying, goin out, drinkin, drugs. all that shit. and they dont expect to get good marks they just do it for the fun of it. from what i see. im not sure i tried my hardest, but i guess i belonged in the 1st group. but i didnt get good marks. i mean my marks were ok. but i was expecting more. only because i saw myself in that first group. i tried. i shoulda got heaps better. i no some people who belonged in the second group and did alot better than me, that makes me feel even more shit. they got everything. its so not fair. i feel like the biggest idiot.. i dont even have any talents or things that im good at. i dont have a job. i have no experience. wtf am i gona do. i wish i had a talent like amy. shes so creative she can draw she can paint. shes smart. she can achieve so much. she noes what shes good at and she wants to do it. so that will make her successful. it could take her years but shell get there. my cuzin who belongs in the 2nd group didnt even become eligible for a hsc. but guess what hes gona do. hes gettin to take over his mums business the day he turns 18, he has a job, he parties, he has a car, he has a life. and he also has his own ambitions. he has talents. hes the greatest cartoonists ive known. argh so jealous. i dont have anythin im good at. i dont even no wat i want to do. my uncle told me my marks were bad, and then he goes i like u, ur intelligent. an insult followed by a compliment. thats so confusing. my mums pretendin to be happy. and using excuses such as u were stressed it was way to competitive. im not happy. but im not showing it. im acting as if its fine. i mean i have no right to be upset. i did alright. its just me bein stupid and jealous. but i guess ive been upset for awhile. even b4 we got our results. i hadnt cried for a really long time. for about a couple of months. and recently. ive become emotional again. crying. i guess its that build up. of hate. annoyance. scared. worrying about everything. i guess thats my worst thing. i worry. i keep worryin about both my sisters, both with different problems. 1 who has some sort of medical thing that no1 will tell me what the doctor said. wtf am i gona do. im so scared. sheddin tears and remeniscing about my past. i just feel really alone. i duno who to talk to. i feel really guilty talkin to my friends. they have their own lives. i dont want to burden them with my problems. and sometimes some of them make me feel worse. tellin me i did ok. i will be ok. i no i will.. but i duno.. i just feel like crying whenever some1 tells me that. i feel alone i guess. and on top of that ive been constanly feeling sick. everytime i eat something. i feel like throwing up. when i think of food i feel sick. my mum thinks its the tablets im on for my skin but im not sure. could be the weather or stress.. and my fucken pimples r gettin bad again. my skin is really gross and oily. and my hair is gettin curly again. i wana get it done. but i duno when. this entry is long sounds like an essay with no paragraphs and no intro and alot of bitching and complaining
in conclusion, i feel shit.

HSC Results....

ohh.. in just 6 and a half hours.. 66000 people in NSW are gona get their hsc results. im so scared. atm im contemplating stayin up the whole nite to keep steven company.. im not sure yet. hes gona call at 1.. my parents wake up at 5:30 anywayz.. so they r gona b around me while i get my results. and i dont want any1 2 c. so i guess theres no point. i should wait till 6:30 when i get them sms to me.. but i dont even wana leave my fone on.. maybe i should turn it off.. and sleep until sunday.. that was i wont get any results at all.. im so scared im gona cry.. lol.. just so nervous.. and really disappointed.. i no that i didnt do my best. and im really worried my mum is gona b 2 supportive of me no matter what i get. id rather yell at me and tell me off that i did bad then act all nice and say its ok.. that just makes me feel worse. i hate it.. makes me feel guilty.. especially when she says atleast u tried ur best.. when i didnt..:( arghh regrets.. but if i was given the chance to do it again. i wouldnt. its way too stressful. i didnt even notice how stressed i was until it was over. and now the stress is comin bak.. im already guaranteed a band 1 in chem and maths.. seeing that i didnt study for maths at all for about 2 months.. and chem.. even when i try in chem i still fail.. so yeh.. im screwed for the overall uai. : i just want it to hurry up and it be over with.. like pulling a bandaid or waxing.. but they really hurt.. waxing always seems to leave bruises.. so yeh.. im gona be scared(thats spelt scared its meant to be scar with a -d? how do u spell?) anywayz.. im mite go read a few books till 1am.. i realised i can read a small novel in about 1-2 hours.. lol.. yay.. im gona get throw alot tonight if i decide to stay up.. which i probably wont coz my eyes are already closing.. anywayz im rambling..
mwahz.. xoxo
Samz
ps.. prameeta ur the best.. mwahz thanx heapssss =)
edit: 12:08am.. i will not be stayin up all nite. id be an idiot to even consider it.. nite nite

Dreams

Have you ever had a dream in which you could actually feel? ive been having alot of 'feeling' dreams. a couple nights ago i had one in which i had put somethin in my mouth which was pulling down onto my teeth. it hurt so much and i could actually feel the pain in my dream. if i think about it now i can still remember what it felt like. last night i had a dream there was a really big flood. and my dog was outside.. and i had to quickly bring him inside.. and as soon as i closed the door.. all the water came onto the window.. and i could feel the pressure from outside..i went upstairs and looked out of the window where there was more water. it was soo scary. i could actually feel that i was scared. and when i think about it now i can still feel the same type of stress and scardness *dejavu*
anywayz i looked those things up in a dream dictionary...
Pain: To dream that you are inflicting pain to yourself, indicates that you are experiencing some overwhelming turmoil or problems in your waking life. You are trying to disconnect yourself from your reality by concentrating on the pain that you inflicted to yourself.
Mouth To see a mouth in your dream, signifies your need to express yourself or talk about an issue that's bothering you. On the other hand, perhaps you have said too much and you need to keep your mouth shut.
Flood: To see a raging flood with its muddy debris, signifies that you will have much unsettling occurrences and tribulations in life. Your repressed emotions may be overwhelming you.
Dog: To see a dog in your dream, indicate a skill that you have ignored or forgotten, but needs to be activated. Alternatively, dogs may symbolize intuition, loyalty, generosity, protection, and fidelity. Your own values and intentions will enable you to go forward in the world and succeed.
Water: To see water in your dream, symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy. It is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing and refreshment. If you are splashed by water, then it represents your need to be revitalized and more expressive
ok.. so from all these dream definitions. my dream is about....? tadum dum dahhh... i have supressed emotions and also skills that ive lost or forgotten. my emotions need to be let out and expressed. no to find out what these emotions are about...

Nothin Lasts Forever

nothin ever promised tommorrow today,
nothin lasts forever but be honest babe,
it may hurt but it may be the only way.

sometimes you think ur happy until somethin happens to remind you that ur bak in that mental state of nothingness. i was crusin along. relaxin. no worries. just enjoyin my time. but then i get reminded that we get our results on friday. and then u hav an argument with ur family and then everythin goes bak to how it used to be. yesterday i was soo pissed off..i was at my grandmas house havin a 'discussion' with my dad.. and then my dad's sister.. my aunty. started to say shit in front of me about me.. sayin that im stubborn and i dont listen. she had no rite to talk like that about me. so i told her. not directly to her. but i sorta said loudly to myself. 'what me? stubborn? and i dont listen? wtf u hav no rite to say thatabout me u dont even no me. u dont no how i act. i wana go home.' i had a short tantrum. she pissd me off.. she doesnt no anythin n she sits their judgin me and sayin stuff about me. i dont listen and im stubborn? just becoz i dont let ppl say shit about me or put me down. i stand up for myself she thinks i dont listen and im stubborn. ignorance pisses me off. i dont care if she is my aunty. she doesnt respect me so why should i to her? i dont let my dad talk 2 me like that so what makes any1 think id let my aunty, some1 who i dont see that often. arghh *lets it all out*
so havin arguments with ppl. worryin about my sister. ppl talkin n tellin me stuff.. so i should be worried. but then i look at her n shes ok.. i duno who to believe. if i ignore what they say n sumthin happens? if i confront her n its nuthin?
arghh im such a bum every1s doin somethin.. every1s workin. my cuz who didnt work that hard at school is gettin his mums business the day he turns 18.. hes so lucky.. y is it so easy for some ppl? its not fair. wtf am i gona do with my life. i dont even wana do business at uni anymore. and its not like im even gona get in.. and if i do i dont really wana do it.. i dont wana make the same mistake n pick somethin that i think will be interestin but im totally shit in.. and its gona b borin.. like chem.. : i hav no idea what i wana do.
nothin lasts forever. i have to be woken up from my dream land. and do somethin. get over it. and move on. or ignore all the reminders or reality and continue livin in the top layer of the sky. which 1s betta?

Joseph Conrad Once Wrote:

Who knows what true loneliness is — not the conventional word but the naked terror? To the lonely themselves it wears a mask. The most miserable outcast hugs some memory or some illusion. And as we strain to grasp things the things we desire, the things we think will make our lives better – money, popularity, fame. We ignore what truly matters. The simple things like friendship, family, love. The things we probably already had. And no one wants to end up lonely and sad. As Octavio Paz once wrote: solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition. Man is the only being that knows he is alone.