єиичі

Ennui - the feeling of being bored by something tedious. My days are so repititious, that its become hard for me to remember what i had done the day prior to today. anywayz a really short blog. Dilemma needs to be solved. Please comment with input. Ok Saturday is my cousin Daniels 21st bday party. He said no alcohol is going to be there. He doesnt drink at all. He doesnt mind if other people drink. But he is against it for himself. His brother said we could bring if we wanted. I want to. But i dont want to. If i drink, then he might feel left out coz every1 might be drinking. If i dont drink, i want to, and every1 else might be drinking. So what do i do? Do i bring me own? Or do i not, and be a good cousin, Most of my other cousins will probably drink. Basically every1 but him. So what would you do?

Dостоя Dостоя

I went to the doctor today.. renew my prescription. got my blood pressure taken.. 120 over somethin..i 4got the number.. but its normal.. he even said its perfect. Yay im perfect :D id never had it checked b4.. andwe were talking about food and stuff.. and he said i get morning sickness.. which explains my nausea from some smells of food.. and loss of appetite. I cannot touch pizza.. and some foods.. lol its so funny.. explains everything.. Oh im not pregnant. of course. just a syptom of my acne medicines. i couldnt stop laughin. dunno why..
anywayz the whole argument is over.. i apologised properly coz he said he didnt mean it when he said he hated me.. and yeh.. i just realised we've been friends heaps longer than the argument was and would have lasted. and it wasnt worth it. so its all good.
anywayz thats it i guess.. i feel like going shopping 4 new clothes.. gota buy somethin 4 daniels 21st next sat. gota get him a pressie 2.. hmmz ok.. sleepy.. 2 weeks left till holidays r over.. who wants 2 go 2 a drink and food making day at some1s house.. most likely mine? if people r interested i will probably organise it.. if not.. leave it till a day some other ppl r..
goodnight..
Luv Samz xoxo

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fucken shit, talk about attack... recruiting members in his army, i am hurt. fucking hurt, "I want you to know, that right now i hate you so much..you have made me feel like just, arghh i dont, i teird to fix things..i..im speechless, i never knew this side of you existesd, this cruel side, evill side, you blame everything you do on anrgy..well you are angry in living form" quoted directly from BOB. so if one can exhibit so much hate towards one, do they ever truely get over it? He talks about attacks? Hypocrite. Guess who used my name in their blog? Guess who talked about me to others? I dont understand why its ok for you to make trouble between people. Why is it relevant what CATE or LEMMY or JESSIE said about me? You tell me oh dont tell JESSIE that i told u what she said coz i dont want trouble. Then why the fuck did u tell me? why would you say this to CATE. Why is it relevant? "B.O.B... says: CATE dont ask me..she thinks im bitching about her to you..ask her" I dont care if JESSIE said "im speechless, why is she doing that" after reading my blog. But why did u tell me? Why is it relevant. You are gathering an army against me, Recruiting. Even without the knowledge of those innocent bystanders. You are using innocent comments and shoving them in my face for some sort of proof.
You act as if you are over it. And you say this by saying we can now be "net friends". What net friends? Is that what kinda friendship you want? Id rather no friendship to somethin fake. Because thats what it is. You are being fake. You want to be the better man, to help with your recruiting. I apologise to you right now without you asking me to for blogging about you. And im sorry if you see this as an attack. Because you probably will, and you will probably use this against me. But who cares ok. Thats it, Oh btw the reason why u couldnt call me, or i couldnt call you, is because i know if i have another argument with you on the phone i will cry. Because using your words. "As usual" i will cry. Of course.
You cannot say you hate me, apparently apologise for that, which isnt relevant and then want to be friends. Or supposed friends. Once you hate someone thats it. Ive seen it with other people. I wont mention any names because i am not going to use things uve told me in trust as revenge. But once you have said you hate someone, you treat them like shit, pick on them, bitch about them, and never really befriend them again. So i cannot befriend you or net friend you if i know you hate me. Thats it. The end.

тімє↔шаяр

I am so lost and confused atm. So much has happened, and it feels as though i havent been apart of it. I was involved, but i was just watching. I cant remember most of it. All i know is that i am angry-->upset--> and pissed off. Which by my definition mean the same thing rolled in one. Well, as it seems, it is now illegal to mention any names in blogs.. under the law of BOB. because i cant mention his fucken name. i will write bob.. what use is that.. people still know who im talking about. What kinda argument is that over the most stupidest things. I dont understand what happened. One minute fine, gettin over the previous argument.. and then bob pops up and starts a new argument about me blogging about the old argument. What i hate is that i said like whateva just 4get about it/get over it.. or just move on and i wont talk to u anymore or be friends or whateva. Bob continues arguing.. and when it suits him he ends the convo by leaving and saying thanks blah endin the friendship. Why is it a competition? some people always have to have the last say dont they? Bob complained that my blogging may have influenced others in our group to think differently about him, but i dont think it had.. hardly any1 reads this. Tomorrow we had organised to go to the city. After the argument he emailed JULIE and said he isnt going anymore. So when he had previously joked about not going because i was going.. he was in actual fact telling the truth. My blog isnt going to ruin any1s friendship with him, him withdrawing and acting like and in no way offense intended 'a spoiled brat' is going to ruin friendships. And because the argument from what i interpreted was about me blogging and using bobs name.I had somehow crossed this imaginary line in his head. Im so frustrated, to me this seems so stupid, im not angry, i dont hate bob, it seriously feels as if i wasnt involved. Maybe bob was arguing with himself but using me as a medium. I have no idea what happened. I guess its a waste of time, me thinking about it. Its bob's problem, he needs to deal with it and figure it out. I dont see that i have done anything wrong and i dont feel i need to say sorry. But if any1 thinks i was wrong, tell me and i will apologise it. All ive done is defend myself against remarks and accusations about myself, i may have sworn but that was all in defense and anger.. But other than that, i duno what ive done wrong...
Bleh.. whateva..

шнџ??

WhY? wHy? WHYY?? and again.. another argument with steven. Why do people think they know me? Why do they use this to judge me? arghhhh its sooo stupid. Just because i become defensive i started the argument? Just because i said that you pissed me off its my fault? why would u want me to tell u if i get pissed off straight away but when i do it pisses u off? Why do u always use excuses such as i called to start a fight coz im bored, i have pms, im jealous, or im just in a pissed mood to help verify my anger with u? first of all, u called me first to get me to call u back coz u have no credit. and second of all why the fuck would i be jealous? its so stupid. ur the one who became all competitive and wanted to prove somethin to me. i saw it as u showin off and puttin me down. When u make excuses for me, i see it as u puttin me down, and making me feel small like a little kid. Theres no respect, Even if u may be smarter than me coz ur doin science and all that crap is not the reason i become defensive. its the way u act about it. u dont have to make me feel like an idiot because i do less hours of uni than u. in normal circumstances with a stranger i wouldnt give a shit becoz it is true. u do more hours than me, it may even mean that ur smarter. but i dont care about that. i only care coz while ur 'bragging' about it, ur puttin me down. and u have no right to judge me, and say that its my fault becoz i have issues and insecurities about my marks n stuff.. that has NOTHING to do with it.. but as usual u dont give me a chance to explain why i really am pissed off, u just rush off to start blaming me and making excuses for why u think im pissed off. i deal with so much shit from u, its ok for u to get angry with me, and require for me to apologise to u, even if i feel i havent offended u.. but the one time.. well i guess its the 2nd time uve really pissed me off, and i confront u about it. u turn it into ur argument with me, and blame me.,. and i end up feelin as though im the one who needed to do the apologising. Its so bloody annoying, ur so stubborn. and its only with me that u have arguments.. You think u know me, but u dont. noone really knows me "I've known a few guys who thought they were pretty smartBut you've got being right down to an artYou think you're a genius-you drive me up the wallYou're a regular original, a know-it-all Oh-oo-oh, you think you're specialOh-oo-oh, you think you're something else"Lmao how funny is that.. exactly.. i dont give a shit anymore. i give up.. i dont wana be nice anymore. i am not gona give in. im not gona apologise for gettin u pissed off becoz i was pissed off.. its so funny the whole thing.. i could so just easily give up and forget it coz its so stupid.. but ive done it so often in my life. im not going to. why do i always have to be the nice one?
i bet ill just 4get this whole thing by 2moro, but whateva, had to get it all off my chest..
F*** Life *big scream* - im over it =D
Luv Sam XoXo

џоч шоцℓdи'т вє џоц

Today, i had my third exam.. my second last one.. i failed.. but i dont mind as it means i'm one step closer to finish this semester. I hope i can pass the course overall.. Anywayz yeah to clarify my last entry about me not fittin in our group, i dont think it meant to offend anyone but myself. And i also think he meant the group, not as the WHOLE group, but the group he was occasionally in.. the ones who sometimes or kinda alot went to the library to study. He meant to ask why i was friends with people who studied and who were "smart". The whole conversation was sparkerd by my complaints about uni. Like usual i complain.
But anywayz, just had to clear that up.. Yeah.. well my exams have been annoying because, i havent studied. Everytime i say those three words "i havent studied" i feel as though i have to justify that. At uni, im constantly like being told that im smart, and i have the feeling people think that i lie about how much i actually study. Its getting really annoying. They dont do it on purpose, and its subtly implied to me. For example, I'd do an assignment last minute... sorta complain about my lack of input into it, and then return with a decent mark. People would sorta joke about it.. and imply that im smart. I don't wanna be smart if it means having to defend myself, and prove to other people that i did or didnt study. I don't mean to sound like up myself or something, and if u think that i am you dont know me at all, but its not my fault im able to bullshit and get the right answer, or remember small important facts without studying.. It's annoying. This morning before my accounting exam, (my worst subject), as i tend to do, i started to whinge that i couldnt remember anything and i was gona fail.. my usual stress thing.. (but i honestly did not do well..) and the girls i was with began to laugh me off and say nahh u dont have a problem look what u got in blah.. Am i a joke? Its not my fault i beat them by like 1 or 2 marks. Im just lucky, i dont wana be "smart" because i'm not. I hate people "thinking" im smart. i hate them thinking it because it makes me feel small.. Like im not allowed to do good. If i do good, then im not allowed to stress or worry about other exams..
Yeah anywayz i was trying to avoid a long blog, and i wana make it a happy one. Sometimes im insecure about my looks or my personality. But something my cousin Bec told me just stuck in my head. "If you wern't like that, you wouldnt be you"... those words were so strong i cant get them out. and it makes me so happy to know that. I know that sounds weird because everyone always tells you that, and you always read it or see it on tv.. But for some reason it just made sense to me now. Why should i change? If i were any different i wouldnt be who i was.. Doesnt that sound good? Yeah anywayz i just wanted to share those words of wisdom..
Thanx 4 listenin =P
Luv Sam xoxo

цРѕєТ...

Why cant i put my nick as upset without people questioning it?.. like i guess its nice that people ask whats wrong.. but its when people who never talk to you start asking, when it gets annoyin..well im upset most probably due to guilt,, and anxiety <-- ive been told thatz the word to describe my feeling..well im feeling guilty ever since i had a bad dream, where i woke up with guilt and feeling like i ws about to cry coz i hadnt studied for my exams yet... and then ever since then ive been freaking out.. and im so scared to study.. im scared of my exams.. i dont know why.. i have a few more days till my finals.. and as i write that my tummy jumps, and my heart races.. im afraid.. but im not exactly sure what im afraid of... failing?
As i waste time, and try to avoid studying.. i start to think and contemplate on my behaviour and attitudes.. recently ive been very jealous of my cousin Kathryn. she got her motorcycle license and is getting a bike soon. im not jealous about the material things shes got.. im jealous of the fact that she had a dream of gettin her motorbike license and she has achieved it.. this made me wonder what my long term dreams and goals are.. and i havent come to a conculsion as yet.. i still live day by day and that scares me. i have no long term goals, no hobbies, no skills and nothing i am passionate about.. ive discussed this before, and still have no reached a result.. i talk to others about what they want to achieve, and what they would like to do, whether it be travel, job, love, money, life.. these people have certain ideas of where they would like to be in those different aspects of life.. and for me i am not able to think of what i want.. i dont want to travel, i dont wana go bungee jumping.. i dont know where i will be in five years let alone where i will be tomorrow..my whole life has been built on decisions to suit tomorrow.. i went to high school coz i had too, i continued to yr 11 and 12 coz thats what all my friends were doing, i went to uni coz thats what some people do after high school.. and after uni i guess ill get a job coz that jus the right thing to do.. but what do i want to do? who do i want to be? and where do i wana be?
I have no dreams, no aspirations, and i dont know where i belong.. steven asked me why i was even in the group of friends i was in high school.. he said i didnt even belong.. i duno if it was meant to be but i took it as a sort of insult.. and i felt bad that he implied i shouldnt be friends with the people i am. even though he meant it as to say that i didnt fit in as im different coz im weird or something.. actually come to think about it i dont really know what he meant by it.. but yeah.. and then he pointed out a fact that i already know and hate about myself.. the fact that i prevent him and others in doing 'immature' or funny things.. for example practical jokes.. i tend to say 'noo stop..' and i act like a mum.. :S i hate that so much about myself.. i worry way to much about the consequences it prevents me from having fun.. im not a fun person..
Another thing, i dont know what to do with my life.. i feel so out of touch.. im scared of everything, and i dont feel safe anywhere...i feel like i dont belong, and im scared of whats to come. im not able to spend today thinking about tomorrow, because if i do i wont be able to sleep. i become really "anxious" if thats the word.. i become worried and stressed and a horrible person to be around.. i don't know, i don't know who i am, why i am, where and how i am.. i am me but me is so many confused masks.. which am i, which is the good me, and where do i fit in.? should i be fake? should i act a certain way? maybe if i act a certain way long enough i'll become it.. like W.Somerset Maugham once wrote: "Sometimes people carry to such perfection the mask they have assumed that in due course they actually become the person they seem"
Today i worked with my aunty at the shangrila hotel.. where pams mum works.. so tired.. my shoulders/neck hurt from bending too much.. i went to a jewish synagogue to decorate and it was sooo pretty.. it looked like a theatre with leather seats and really nice wooden everything else.. and marble.. wow.. yeps and that was my day.. lots of contemplating and little doing anything..
Maybe i should try to get some sleep... goodnight.. sleep tight..
Luv Samantha xoxo

υивяєакавℓє

i felt like blogging.. except i dont know what to write..argh lately ive been having bad dreams.. today i woke up.. and then fell off my bed!.. I was wearin like boxer shorts.. and i just sorta slid out.. and fell on top of my laptop wire.. and now i have this dent on my knee from where the plug thing dug into my skin.. oww.. what a way to wake up :S
um.. well im on stuvac.. meant to be studying i guess.. but as usual.. my laziness has taken over and im not.. and im sooo bored.. i wana go out! on the weekend went to akanshas 18th.. it was soo good! =D yay.. we need more parties like that.. it was ooo so fun.. especially the trampoline..
hmmz duno what to write.. i wana write so much except i duno what to say.. or how to say it..how come no1s blogged in ages? hmmz anywayz ill just list some points that have been bothering me.

• feel really really ugly atm.. not just today.. it might be an ugly phase
• feelin very lonely
• argh my dad wants to go to uni :S
• my sister has addiction problems with a game
• my other sister doesnt know how to share with her sisters.. only her friends :S
• im bored, sore, and hungry

the end.. xoxo Sam =

ѕичffℓєчраgчѕ

well ive been sittin here for a few hours with a blank screen with the title "Snuffleupagus"...i keep gettin distracted and my original intentions and ideas have sorta gone.. hmmz.. snuffleupagus was Big Birds friend that only he could see.. i guess one could say that he was an imaginary friend.. in One Tree Hill.. Peyton's like goin out with this guy from Fallout Boy.. except no1 believes her coz no1s seen him.. they refer to him as her Snuffleupagus.. anywayz as the story goes.. eventually like on Sesame Street, they all finally see him and realise hes not imaginary..
and the moral of this story is......
it doesnt have one.. except i want a snuffleupagus!! i want some1 all to myself.. that no1 else is allowed to share with me.. :(
hmmz.. and theres people that i dont talk to often that i really really wana talk to but i dont want them to get the wrong idea about me..i just realised that by not talking to them giving them the impression that i like them, ive done the complete opposite, by ignoring them and now they probably think that i dont like them at all.. hmmz and now ive run outa time to find the balance between the two.. :( i really want uni to finish.. but then i dont becoz i havent gotten to make friends with certain people..
anywayz i really need a Snuffy. so if any1 can get me 1.. plz let me know.. thanx
Luv Samz
xooxo

x-men3

today we watched x men 3... it was an excellent movie..its like 12:30 and im upstairs on my laptop.. and this feels really kool... more like a blog/diary thing,, maybe coz its really quiet and im sittin in the dark,, duno..wana sleep nowz,, bye bye
zZZzzzzzZzzZ

"Smelly cat, smelly cat, its not your fault"

well.. its been awhile since ive blogged, and awhile since ive actually talked to anyone.. its weird how we have to 'catch-up' with people now.. and how its not like b4 when every1 knew what was goin on with everyone else at that exact moment it happened.. well im gona try to make todays blog 'happy'... like i was goin through my old entries.. and saving them onto word.. i wana print it out.. so its more of a diary.. hmmz stevens been watchin friends.. anywayz this semester is nearly over.. and it went so fast.. if i look back i havent really come out of it being any different. or have i changed? i feel so weird at uni... i feel really introverted and like a complete freak.. im social.. like i say hi 2 people.. even if i dont know them... but id rather sit down and crochet like an old lady. not carin what people think.. then to sit there and act happy n friendly;.. omg how depressing... lol i try not 2 think bout crap.. and then is start havin a convo with steven bout uni n crap.. i dont even no why i complain.. its not bad at all. but its not as fun as i expected.. u watch movies and every1s at parties n stuff.. and havin fun.. but uni is like high school.. with the competition and the work.. when will it end?
now we are discussing how when people first meet you.. they dont get u.. like the other day i was babblin on bout somethin random.. tryin 2 make a joke.. be funny.. but they just thought i was really weird.. and over time, i guess people do get used to u and ur personality.. but after this semester im gona make different friends and have to start all over again.. there is no time for people to get me.. so how can i be myself in that sorta situation? yah.. happy happy happy.. happy little vegememite as happy as can be.. is that even a real song? or did i make it up? if i did make it up arent i talented? i remember once i had a fascination with pictures of snails and some real turtles.. i kinda forgot about that.. but i know why i liked turtles.. it coz in primary i got picked to hold a turtle names Lyonal. (dunno how to spell it..) but he was sooo cute. he was really old.. and my friend got to hold 3 baby turtles name heuy. leuy, and dewy.. (spell check again).. and i like pictures of snails.. coz in spongebob square pants.. gary says 'meow' and its cute... lol...
hmmz im bored.. and not sleepy enough to sleep.. i might just go 2 bed and listen to music.. ohh and my stupid ipod wont work coz my sister put her one on and now it wont read or accept mine.. and i have no songs on it coz they went on hers.. *angry face*.. oh wellz atleast i still got my stereo...
bye byez
xoxo Sam

tired

im really tired from all these assments, exams, assignments, homework.. if actually got a sore back/shoulder from typing too much and writing too much.. and sore hands.. and tired eyes.. i want to sleep.. but i cant.. got a group marketing assessment due 2moro.. and a small management exam.. argh tired.. cant wait till thursday when i get to sleep in..*hopefully* fingers crossed i can sleep.. some ppl at uni r really nice.. 1 of them gav me a lift home.. and i feel really bad coz he doesnt live anywhere near me.. and hes neva been to our area b4.. oh wellz.. how nice =D others are not nice.. =( but thats just me whinging and comparing to my real old friends.. just like to critisise how they arent like uze..

~-!.<

hmmz.. so i thougt id come online tonight..and maybe try to watch some one tree hill episodes.. but i came online.. and msn signs in as usual.. appearing offline.. and i had 31 people online.. so i decided tonight mite b a good nite to try and catch up with some people.. i sign on.. and its weird.. people come up to me and talk 2 me.. but i dont feel connected with them.. i duno.. i dont like msn much anymore.. i do.. but i dont.. =S
yesterday i woke up.. and i felt like cryin.. duno y.. but maybe i had a bad dream.. but i felt really sad.. yeh anywayz afta that i new i was gona hav a bad day.. and i did.. some events at nite occured.. and i felt like cryin.. was at dianas 16th bday party.. and yeh.. stuff u dont wana c and dont expect to c or happen did.. and i dont wna talk bout it.. and dont wana bring it up.. but i get really grossed out.. upset.. cringe.. wheneva i think bout it. and yeh. arghhh and wat makes it worse is that im tryin 2 b ok with it coz ppl told me 2 relax bout it.. but then other ppl told me that im underreacting and i should aargue about it and make a point of it.. all i wana do if 4get.. argh anywayz thats not the point of wat i was gona say.. well afta the stuff happend and i got home..i really felt like talkin to some1.. and i wanted to come online.. but then my brain stopped me when i realised i have no1 to talk to about it.. yeh and that made me feel really sad.. i feel like im stuck in between to worlds.. not high school vs uni.. but more of my social worlds.. i duno
and sometimes i feel like a 'stick in the mud'.. lol is that the rite saying? like i feel that wheneva i do somethin im always ruining the fun.. i feel like some1 who when does somethin 'fun'.. isnt really havin fun.. i cant let go.. like for example.. i went 'clubbin' last week and as norml people do.. they drink and get drunk n have fun.. but wat i do is drink.. but only a little bit.. and then worry bout every1 else 2 make sure they arent too drunk or doin somethin theyllregret.. why ami like that? like even group outings.. i always worry.. like when steven wants 2 sneak into another movie.. y do i refuse? y do i wana pay again.. y am i like that? its not fun.. i hate being like that.. and i guess that sorta happened last night.. and i worrid.. and i didnt hav any fun at all for myself.. i cant let go.. im my head i say that i wont worry and ill do this.. and ill relax.. and get so hammered i wont remember anythi.. but when i go to do that somehin stops me.. and its so annoying.. what the hell is that? and why am i like that?
ok another thing i was thinkn bout.. i was watchin big brother.. and watchin how every1 hasto make friends with every1.. and i remember how hard that was in the beginning of high school.. and i guess i always took for granted having such good friends who ican trust.. and knew where i stood with every1.. but now.. with uni..i dont no if the people i call 'friends' are friends.. i dont think ieven trust any1.. i dont even have proper conversations with them.. and i realisd i made friends with the type of people i dont really like.. those competitive.. schooly types.. high schools over and there r still a few who ive met that r like that.. and then there are other people who make me feel so young in age.. and inferior coz they all work, drive nice cars are all older n hav more life experiences than me.. i really dont fit in.. and i dont no y those ppl that ive met arent as nice and comfortable to be around as my old friends.. and even steven n guils uni friends r nicer and more normal than some of the ppl ive met.. why is that? i dont fit in anymore with either worlds.. =S where do i belong?

Holiday Update:

Sunday: Easter @ Kathryn & Bex
Monday: Easter @ home
Tuesday: Go Karting @ Minto, Movies @ Livo "Failure To Launch".. got biggest bruise from go karting.. met steven & guils uni friends Jackie & Andrew.. very nice ppl..
Wednesday: Easter Show, Pam's Bday.. very very tiring day..
Thursday: Shoppin @ Parra & Stockies
Friday: Nails @ FFLD Movies @ Stockies "She's The Man", Dad's Bday
Saturday: Gelato @ Verandah Bar .. left at 8pm.. david & shane picked me, anita & Kathryn up.. went ffld station.. met up with shanes friends mark & dean, caught train.. went verandah bar.. stayed till 3am sumthin.. went maccas.. walked 2 train station at 4.. trains didnt open till 5.. walked to darling harbour.. walked back to town hall. caught train at 5.. got to fairfield station.. car wouldnt start.. car broke down 6 times.. changed car battery.. went maccas for brekky.. got home at 8am sumthin..
Sunday: went to bed at 10am.. woke up at 2.. stayed home..
Monday: ashton slept over.. home all day
Tuesday: home.. catch up 4 uni. except havent actually started yet.. and its like 5pm.. got 3 assignments due.. and a few exams :S *stress time*

ѕрєєd

happy easter i guess.. not so happy for me.. but when are holidays ever a happy occasion? im so pissed.. we went to kathryn n bex place for easter 2day.. and it was all good.. and it was just startin to get better when more of my cuzinz came n stuff.. and then we had to go home coz my dad wanted 2 visit his uncles place.. and argh i guess thats wat got me pissed in the first place.. and then he was driving.. and he was bein an idiot and sayin that food was 'shit' coz thats wat it turns out to be.. and i told him of for bein rude and gross.. and then he started arguing with me about who noes wat.. and i asked if he had drunk any alcohol.. and he had..and then we got into another arguement about drink driving. and i cant really remember what.. and then he started to tell me to shutup.. and arghh.. i hate that.. and i was so scared coz by this time he was speeding.. and goin like 120 in 100 zone.. and 80 in 50 zone.. and i just sat there cryin in the back of the car freakin out.. and him callin me selfish and crap.. he called me selfish coz i go i dont wana die.. and hes like ur bein selfish.. like wtf.. so he wants me 2 die? me livin is being selfish? arghh i hate this.. i duno wat to do.. how much longer am i gona put up with this? and its only gona get worse.. we totally dont get along.. our opinions n views are completely different.. and hes not open minded.. which frustrates me.. very different ppl.. and all we do is argue.. and he keeps tellin me 2 shutup.. and he said if i respect him i would neva speak in front of him.. arghhh im really annoyed.. and i have a huuugee headache.. i had another arguement with him yesterday.. and its only gona get worse.. coz hes gona b home on holidays n stuff from work. so hes gona b around more.. :\ what do i do? i cant shutup and let him think that what he is saying is right.. hes rude, mean, ignorant.. and theres no way to let him think that hes smarter then ppl.. theonly reason hes like this is that he makes up stuff... and talks about it infront of ppl who wouldnt no any better and believe him.. his stupid crap is bullshit.. and becoz i no some stuff bout stuff.. he sees me as a threat.. or somethin.. well thats the only reason i can think of. or maybe it is coz he hates my voice and can stand me like hes said many times.. !! so pissed..

ч макє мє ѕіск

yesterday, i woke up at 5:55am.. got ready and got dropped off at miller tway stop at 6:44 just as the quarter to 7 bus was comin.. jumped on and headed to livo.. waited for steven.. and we precisely caught th 7:17 millenium train to the city.. then we caught a bus to UNSW.. i felt like such an intruder lol.. steven was gona get me 2 sit in his tut.. but alot of ppl told me that the tutor would ask questions and i got scared.. so called guil.. and we sat in one of the computer labs.. i played rollacoaster tycoon while he tried 2 do some work.. he only managed to write one sentence in an hour.. lol i feel bad.. he kept tryin 2 show me how 2 play.. then he burnt me the game.. yay :) how nice.. thanx it kept me busy last night when i was bored. ok.. at 10 steven finished his tut.. and akansha came.. and we met steven's friend Jackie.. steven thinks she reminds him of eunice.. but i didnt talk 2 her that long 2 find out..she told steven that i seemed 'active' hmmz.. she told him it meant like social or somethin like that.. hope it was a compliment.. :) ok.. then me steven and akansha caught a bus.. we were meant 2 get off at town hall.. but we neva seemed to pass it.. and we ended up somewhere else.. past pitt street.. so we had 2 walk bak.. then we went kfc and ate.. and then we went 2 the movies and watched 'yours mine and ours'.. i thought i was a good movie.. (good movies can make me cry).. it was funny.. except steven kept commenting it was a little too 'brady bunchish' hmmz.. after the movie we went to find pamela a bday pressie.. got somethin.. hope she likes it.. afta that we dropped akansha to the train station and headed to find a bus so we can get back to uni in time for stevens tut.. at 4pm.. now.. u would think that catchin a bus in the city would b an easy thing.. all we wwanted was one that got to anzac parade.. there were plenty of buses that kept coming.. but did we get on one? no!!.. we waited for about an hour... ok maybe i exaggerated a little.. but it was more than 45 minutes.. ohh and to make it worse it was pouring down rain.. and there was no room under the shelter.. water was creeping up my jeans.. my toes were cold.. i was freezing and wet.. and getting sick.. *achoo*.. we waited till 4:00 when steven gave up an crossed the road.. i had 2 follow him even though i was determined to find a bus!.. at 4 we decided it was time to go home.. so we caught the train to livo.. i was soo tired.. i felt like sleeping.. but nope.. couldnt.. got to the station and caught the tway.. i caught it to prairiewood and went to stockies.. i got there at 6.. and waited in the foodcourt all by myself till 7 for my sisters n mum 2 come.. didnt end up leavin there till 10.. got home.. and played rollercoaster tycoon and went to bed at 12.. i spent a total of 18 hours out of my house.. and i was dead.. i woke up at 11 2day..
ok.. my title of this blog is u make me sick.. and im reffereing to something i cannot talk about.. but someone told me somethin.. and its becomming a big burden on me.. and if the secret i no is true.. i feel sick in my stomach to no it.. i shouldnt no it.. and i hope its not true.. but in a way i hope it is.. but i dont.. arghh.. ok i feel really guilty for hopin its tru.. only coz if it is tru it will teach this person a lesson for being the way that peson is.. serves u right kinda thing.. but noo its awful to think that.. :S arghhh
wat is it about secrets these days? i no another 1.. but this ones a good 1.. it involves some1 comin 2 visit.. but the family wants it a secret.. but i no coz my dad went fishing with one of the ppl that no.. and that person told him bout it.. hehe i can proabbly write who it is here but just in case some1 is readin that shouldnt be.. i wont.. ohh and they r comin 2moro.. so i only have this secret for 1 more day..
i wana go nowz.. get off the net.. let my head rest :D
good byez
Sam xoxo

='(

arghh.. so pissed atm.. im so sick of this.. so sick of everythin.. its an insult to my being.. i no i may be overreacting.. i no i neva went onto that account.. but u dont just delete my pictures and my details.. u dont just dissolve me outa ur life.. (and no im not talkin bout a guy.. my cuz without tellin me changed the username and got rid of pics n stuff from this account we made 2gether).. i feel so pushed outa everywhere.. a few years ago.. i new exactly where i fitted.. who i hung around.. who were my friends.. who were my enemies.. (*i joke i joke* i have no enemies) now.. every1s gotten over it.. its annoyin.. its such a transition i cant keep up..
everythin around me, everyone around me are moving on.. and im slow.. i cant keep up.. i duno what to do.. im livin about an hour behind normal people..i dont no where i fit in.. and there are so many mes.. im the me with my high school friends.. im the me with my family/household.. im the me with my family/cuzinz.. im the other me with different family members.. and im the new me at uni.., but i still dont fit in.. assyrian new year festival is gona prove difficult.. last year i new exactly where i fitted in.. 1 me was going.. but this year.. there are all different people from different areas of my life going.. and i dont no which me to go as..
and now all of a sudden i have to deal with uni.. i have so many assignments to do.. and im gettin scared.. but what makes it worse is that no1 else seems to be worried.. they're all dealin with it.. i feel so young..! everyones older than me in age and in mind.. i duno if im mature enough to handle it.. i havent been this sad i guess u can call it.. and so confused in a long time.. i guess its just coz ive been so busy i havent had time to sit and think about it all.. i havent even cried in ages.. maybe im gettin stronger? i duno.. but right now i dont feel that strong..argh *sigh* *breathe* *smile*
moving on... its april fools today, assyrian new year 2.. and we get to change the clocks on sunday.. i think it means we get an extra hour of sleep.. i hope we do.. the thought of us losing an hour of sleep makes me sad. :(

p.s. i hate it so much when ppl use 3rd person when talking or in their nicks.. duno if its 3rd person dont no the technical term for it.. the one where they write for example samantha is bored.. no wat i mean?

snob

im at my aunties office atm. meant to be sending and receiving her emails, and doin other stuff.. except shes busy talkin to a client.. its my day off.. :D yay.. got so much work 2 do 4 uni.. dont feel like doin it.. i finally cleaned my room yesterday.. after about a month of it gettin messier n messier.. :S.. argh at uni this girl.. she makes me feel so uncomfortable.. when i first met her she talked about god and religion for an hour.. and after that i felt so odd.. i felt really bad coz i wanted to avoid her at all costs... i had a lecture on wednesday.. a really boring 1.. my lectures run for 2 hours.. and i was so not in the modd for it.. i got there and the elcturer wasnt there.. waited for 15 minutes and he still wasnt there.. and THEN!.... the weird girl.. (well shes niot weird.. but wateva).. well she came and sat next to meee.. i didnt no what to do.. i said hi.. and told her i was about to leave xcoz ive been sittin there for a long time.. she said ok bye.. and i ran off.. i feel like the biggest snob :(.. but am i? or is it ok not to talk to people who make u feel uncomfortable? i feel really bad.. i dont wana talk to her.. its really uncomfortable and weird.. but i dont wana b a snob.. and im stuck at this uni for 3 years.. shes there for 3 years too.. oh wellz.. other than that.. the poeple at uni r pretty kool.. but i still miss uze all..! lets have a get together at my place 1 day, we can play games, watch movies, and eat food.. if anytime any of u wana meet up or come over, just let me no.. ill organise it.. :D anytime at all.. id ont care.. :) oh and this weekend its assyrian new year.. and theres this festival on sunday at fairfield showground.. if any of u wana come.. let me no.. itll b fun.. or if uze dont wana come to that.. we can do somethin on saturday.. the zoo is still an option.. we didnt end up goin this weekend.. just let us no if any of u r available
gota go do some work.. edit this later

disappointing hair

i got my hair done on saturday.. and i wasnt 2 happy with the cut.. i didnt realise how bad it was till on tuesday. just b4 i washed my hair.. i took a foto of it just incase it went curly.. i looked at the pic.. and i hate my hair.. i neva look at my back side.. and my hair from the back was shocking.. well IS shocking.. its a V shape.. and i wanted a U shape.. i didnt want layers... and hes cut sooo much.. ive got layers everywhere.. so when it grows out.. even now.. its like fluffy.. argh.. and i feell sooooo bad.. my cuzin went 4 her 1st ever time to get hair p.straightened.. my recommendations n everythin.. and when she washed it 4 the 1st time it went curly.. and frizzy.. and gross.. and now she has 2 call up and c whats gona happen.. and its all my fault.. i so trusted them.. been there a few times now.. and now its kinda disappointing.. im not gona blame the shop.. its probably the hairdresser.. i had some guy named KEN.. so if uze eva go dreamix.. dont get him.. yeh i feel really bad about kathryns hair.. i couldnt even call up 4 her coz i didnt finish uni till 6 today.. i hope she atleast gets it redone 4 free.. or a refund.. seriously 300 bux is alot when u think about it.. :S

аѕтяоℓоgџ

this morning i checked my horoscope for yesterday.. and its so true.!

Pisces 12-03-2006
You might wake up this morning, look in the mirror and decide that you hate what you see - even though you probably look fine. Therefore this is a good day to shop for new clothes, or get that haircut. Perhaps you're feeling a little blue, and getting out and indulging yourself is more a necessity than a luxury. But don't overindulge in food or drink at this time, dear Pisces; tomorrow you might not like the consequences!

lol.. yesterday i did wake up n feel gross, even though i had gotten my hair done on saturday.. and i went shopping.. and i bought clothes.. :D yay.. and last night i was eating chips n drinking coke.. and i felt yuk so i stopped eating.. and told my sister not 2 let my drink soft drinks for a long time.. coz its really unhealthy...
feelin really alone atm.. u no that alone.. ur not actually alone, but its like noone undestands u.. and noone is actually there 4 u.. they're there for the point of just being there. i duno how to explain it.. but i want some1 whos there 4 me.. and only me.. even if its just for a minute.. it would b nice 2 have some1 who cared enough to just sit there 4 u.. oh wellz waateva...
todays my day off from uni.. yay.. but im kinda bored.. i have alot of hw, and normal work to catch up on.. if u dont do ur work.. and if ur not 'proactive'.. u will never learn anything.. theres hardly any due dates.. no1 tells u what to summarise or what to take notes on.. they dont really check hw or anythin.. if u dont go ahead and 'study'.. and do it all urself, u will never ever learn anything.. ive been goin 2 uni for 2 weeks and ihavent learnt anythin.. so im freakin out and tryin 2 become 'unlazy' with schoolwork.. and actually 'study'.. omg how scary.. me of all people.. studying.. haha.. if i ever get around to it.. i have so much time.. i only go 2 uni 3 days a week.. and i have no idea what i do on the other 4 days i have off. but it feels like i have no free time at all!.. its annoying.. ive been so busy lately.. but i duno how.. or what ive actually been doing.. oh wellz..
i havent seen any1 in ages... well ok.. since our bday picnic thing.. which was only about 2 weeks ago.. wait.. not even.. it was only last week.. :( y does it feel like ages?! =( i miss every1.. it was fun sittin under that tree and talking and laughing.. i liked laughing.. i havent laughed that much in ages.. haha lil kids and lil puppies r funny..
sometimes i think that im unable to let go.. its hard for me to see things that i love to go away..
got distracted.. gona go.. bye byez
Sam xxoxo