im at skool atm sittin in the computer rooms 4 legal.. stupid msn wont work... :S hmmz.. nuthin really to blog about.. nothing happenin lately.. got in a fight with my mum last nite at ffld :S not good :S hmmz ummmmm theres nuthin to talk bout.. sistas got a bf or sumthin.. wateva

happy chinese new year :P

atm im at Bonnyrigg library.. havent been allowed on the net for about two weeks... at the library doin research for chem n english assignments due friday.. im nearly done just got a few things left to do.. on msn2go as well.. hehe naughty naughty ;) i hired this comp for like half an hour and im kinda :( that noone that exciting is online.. i guess i just gotta wait until another time.. it wasnt meant to be..
omg amy brought tarot cards to skool and was telling my fortune it seems alright.. did love one.. not to good.. said that nuthin will happen :( stupid valentines day got everyone thinkin bout love and romance :( depressing..
lol naaa its not that bad.. i dont feel anything... its pretty good.. i keep gettin into fights with my family :S i wanna move out and its the rite thing to do.. but i duno if i can and all coz its weird..
omg amanda went through my picture album and saw some pics she wasnt meant to see and now she thinks she noes my secret.. shes so nosy and S L O W... she doesnt realise that those pics are about a year old.. wow its been a whole year :S time flys....
hmmz anywayz i only got about 5 or 10 minutes left on here.. so i betta stop bloggin..
till next time.. mwahz
xooxox

Don't Let Up

slept over kathryn n beccas place last nite... woke up went cogee beach at like 10.. i was prepared 4 a good day... but stupid lifesaver dudes havin a competition n races.. closed beach and only place we could swin was filled with seaweed ewww... just sinbathed a bit... lol got burnt.. saw a few hottiez... and heard really nice accents.. i wanna b english/irish bootiful accents...anywayz went home at around 3 or sumthin near 4... now im bak at there house relaxin... omg im so depressing and i didnt even realise it... everyones commentin bout my blog bein sad :( i gotta b happy.. try bloggin about happy things..
im not really sad... its just that wen im bored i over think and be really dramatic or sumthin and its kinda annoyin.. i gota stop doin it :S i realised that im kinda clostrophobic.. well my mum said i am... thats y i get scared wen she drives and theres 2 trucks near us and i go crazy.. so scary... its not only in the car though.. wen im in rooms with alot of ppl in them i cant stay in there without startin 2 breath heavily... lol its funny if u think bout it...
omg :S lol annoyed now... ive been on for about an hour or sumthin and i didnt talk 2 one of my friends coz i was busy.. and i go wait afta i blog ill talk.. and just now i saw and they went offline... arghh how annoying =(
anywayz im really tired.. sun taken all my energy... *sigh* *yawn*
oh yeh i was meant 2 blog bout tuesday that went n how i met up with this dude.. and how it was stupid and blah blah guyz hav 2 many expectations n theyre all the same up themselves luvo snobs haha lalala
*yawnz* oo so scared my sistas gona read this. like amys bro read hers.. so embarassing... 4 awhile i used 2 worry bout it but i 4got and started 2 rite stuff that i dont want ppl to read.. let my gaurd down... and im really worried now someones gona read my blog n get the wrong impression or think im a psycho.. im not... im just weird.. i dont have any mental problems.. well i dont think i do.. :S
No matter how bad things get
Girl don't let it get to you
I know you're trying to make ends meet
So girl don't let it get to youY
ou only got one life to live
So don't let it get to you
So go on and make the best of it
Just don't let it get to you
inspirational song... "Don't Let Up" - AKON... makes me feel betta :) so annoyed though... i ordered his album 1 month ago.. was getn imported n they said giv it 3 months... and then i heard from a frend it was out.. soooo annoyed.. they didnt even call me 2 tell me it was out.. i wanted 2 b the 1st 2 hav it.. but nooo a million ppl got it now and im not an individual anymore lolz haha
:D lalala so bored... and tired.. no1s here.. amanda n becca at beach... kathryn at work.. nats in the shower.. and im nigel sittn at computer... i wana hav fun now and talk 2 every1 coz i wont b on in ages. :S but i have no1 2 talk 2.. :S mite stop bloggin coz yeh...
bye byez xoxoxo

lala

school started on monday... its good.. nice bein bak talkin 2 every1.. havent been allowed on the net for so long.. but yeh.. its not that bad,, its helpin me have a clear head.. i no whats real and all that. no more overthinkin and overdoin stuff and all that.. its good... hmmz i miss goin on only coz i dont talk to some people.. but atleast my heads cleard and i no that all guyz r idiots and yeh...

іиfатчатіои

Infatuation, crush, fixation, folly, foolishness, madness, obsession, passion, thing.... watever word you use.. i have it.. :'( i went to bed last night and started thinking... overthinking.. and then i realised i do have feelings for someone.. and its so sad.. i cant handle it.. i cant like anyone atm its wrong..and to make it worse the person isnt even interested.. i go online to see if hes on only because when i talk to him he always makes me smile and feel better.. its so wrong.. he has his own life his own interests his own girls and problems.. and here i go making him one of mine and he doesnt even know how i feel.. he treats me so nicely.. hes so cute and caring.. i get mixed signals from him and i dont know how he feels about me.. as a friend or more.. or i duno.. but then i see him talkin to me about different girls and then i know that he isnt interested in me in the way i would like it to be.. i have this overwhelming feeling of sadness because i know what i want i cant get.. and i hate being like this.. he just came online right now.. changed his statues to away n then went offline.. atm im appearing offline because i dont feel like talking to anyone.. dont get me wrong i am happy.. its just that deep down what i really want isnt there.. ive noticed ive tried alot of things to get his attention.. it works.. it always works.. he always talks to me... but.. i cant explain it.. i can tell hes always distracted by other things in his life.. hmmz.. i havent felt like this about anyone in a really long time.. and i dont like it.. :( i thought having crushes was fun but its not at all.. since ive realised that i actually do like him ive started feeling worse about it.. and i feel awkward at times.. when i talk to him now im scared that i might say something that will give him a hint or clue how i feel.. and i sorta hold myself back.. i cant even remember how i used to talk to him.. its so weird.. :S i feel alone.. i dont think anyone understands how i feel.. im scared to talk bout this to some people because i dont think they'll take me seriously..
You took my heart I must confess
Deep in your eyes
There seemed to be a look that said
Hello, is it me you're searching for
Suddenly my sunshine turn to rain
I dunno if it'll ever come back again
Thats what you are sunshine and rain
You didn't say you had a man
That never belonged within your plans
And it hurts so bad
Someone tell me
Why are all the good girls, taken everytime
And why do I keep falling for Someone else's dime
Everytime I says Hello Then they say Goodbye
So why are all you good girls Taken everytime......
Good Girls - Joe.. if u substitute the girl into guy thats how i feel... even though this person isnt actually taken or has a girl physically or wateva.. i know that his heart belongs to someone else :(
btw... woke up at 5:00pm today.. 15 hours of sleep.. no idea whats wrong with me :( hmmz my blogs r always sad.. sorry but thats the only way i cant get rid of these depressing feelings so i can be happy on the outside...
anywayz anyone have any thoughts please comment.. i need help :S
mwahz xoxoxo

blurred vision 

ѕраѕтісатєd

i went to bed at 5 last nite.. at 9 my grandma called my fone.. i have no idea wat she wanted.. i think to talk to my mum.. all i can remember is that she was speaking assyrian.. and wats strange is that i was replyin to her in assyrian and kinda speaking fluently.. thats really weird because i usually stumble with words... i no assyrian problem is its in my head and when i try to pronounce the word i hesitate and get it wrong.. maybe wen im half asleep my brain doesnt have time to double think the word and i just speak out gettin the word right.. isnt that amazing? hmmz anywayz she called me n i remember gettn outa bed walkin around all upstairs.. then ran down to look for my mum.. went outside.. all while my eyes r half shut.. and then i ran bak upstairs n bak in bed.. i woke up again at like 12-1 or sumthin.. it was really hot and stuffy in my room and i didnt get a really good sleep..
my cuzin was over been over since thursday night.. hehe we were talkin last nite and sumthings been really annoyin me.. i no she didnt mean it in that way but its still buggin me..
theres this assyrian party on the 12th of feb... for valentines day.. and shes goin with her bf.. and our frend goin with her bf.. and she wants me to go.. but i really really dont wanna go.. and not becoz i have no1 to go with.. i just find goin to those kinda things really boring.. and only fairfield tts go :S but anywayz she thought i didnt wana go coz i have no1 to go with and she started to give me advice to find some1.. shes like be more open.. wen ur walkin on the streets look at guyz directly bla blah all this bullshit.. and then shes like u should always walk around with someone whos uglier than you... and i was like omg.. i walk around with u everywhere we go.. r u like usin me coz im ugly or sumthin like wtf.. i didnt actually say anythin to her bout it.. i was just like so is that y u walk with me.. but she laughed it off as a joke.. i got offended.. but it was the middle of the night/early morning.. so u no could b honest bimbo moment and all that.. coz every1 says stuff wen theyre dead tired.. but i duno its still stuck on me and its really annoyin.. :S
anywayz today i was on the net with her like most the day.. (net junkies 23Q) haha but i was watchin the way she would talk to guyz.. shes gota kinda a flirty language.. she doesnt mean to but its natural.. for example she calls every1 hunz.. babe.. mwahz every1 and all that kinda stuff.. i wana b like that so that guyz n that can think of me differently.. wait that doesnt make sense.. it sounded really bad.. i mean most guyz i talk to see me as just a friend.. and not as a possiblity.. maybe its the way i talk to them.. i dunno...but its really :S
i feel like i always miss my chance.. and i move really really slowly.. theres some girls who just talk to a guy for a couple weeks and then meet up and wateva.. with me.. i take my time i could talk to someone for months n months n still not mention meeting up with them..but i feel uncomfortable.. and shy.. if they wana meet me wouldnt they tell me first.. if they were interested...? so id rather not mention it coz if they havent yet then theyre not interested in me and i dont wanna get myself in a complicated situation of one sided feelings bla bla.. :S wateva i have no idea wat im talkin bout.. im kinda gettin sick of my whole attitude and i wanna learn how to be more open with stuff like that and not worry as much bout wat the other person thinks of me..
im such a hypocrit (spell check).. i always give advice to people.. "u shouldnt care what people think of you"... "walk round and dont worry what they say or if they look at u".. "if u dont take chances ur neva gona get anywhere".. i never listen to it.. its easier to say than to do *sigh* so depressin lolz
im kinda annoyed i was lookin forward to goin out on wednesday but then my frend baked out coz shes goin out with some other frend of hers.. :( i really wanted to go outttt... and now im stuck home again.. i wanted a change i wanted to take a risk be naughty.. haha sneak out lolz all that stuff... but nooo not gona happen.. im stuck at home.. same old boring routine :(
omg i feel really sickkk soo demented :S ive got the flu, headache, sore tummy, dizziness, sore throat... then i got emotional problems lolz... its the damn weather... really hot.. then i put aircon on... and i cant leave it on coz i get brain freezes/headaches from it.. and i sleep with the fan on with like singlet n no blankets.. so of course im gona get sick.. so spasticated in the head n body.. farkkkk
anywayz there goes yet another long boring blog which nobody reads :P just had to let it all out *screeeeeaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmzzzzz* hmmz feelin kinda better... nite nite byez mwaz ;)
ps... im soooo jealous of somethin and i dont wana be arghhhh let it out ... breathe... relax... arghhh not feelin any better... its my fault i missd my chance.. okz wateva... arghhhhh

Stars...

hmmz.. im gettin sick.. i can tell from my voice.. its kinda softer.. today i woke up at around 12.. had a weird dream but i cant remember it.. anywayz woke up watched cartoons "rocket power" haha watched more tv.. n then came on the net.. and tried to start my english essay.. spent 2 hours on it.. and all i got done was finding 13 pages of info.. i have the shortest attention span.. i get distracted so easily.. :S im neva gona get anything finished.. ive started so many things in my life and it takes me forever to finish them.. *looks on the bright side* at least they do get finished.. imagine if they didnt id have half cooked rotting pieces of meat from those days i decided to be use my talents at cookin n b a chef.. im the best chef.. *rolls eyes* once i made spaghetti.. and i burnt the oil :S who knew u could burn oil..anywayz i continued cooking not knowin the oil was burnt.. all the time spellin this really weird thing.. finished cookin.. served it to my family.. and then every1 kinda stopped eatin.. and my mums like ur burnt the oil.. :( i feel sorry for them they coulda gotten sick.. oh wellz.. thats ur fault 4 bein lazy and not cookin and leavin it up to me... hahaha
have u ever been in an awkward situation where u said something u shouldnt have.. u may hav offended a person and didnt realise it till it was too late.. or u started talkin about somthin that made the other person uncomfortable.. what r u meant to do? do u change the conversation? continue talkin bout the same thing? if u change the convo then the other person will realise the awkward situation and may start actin differently.. if u keep talkin u could say somthin even more stupid.. if the other person changes the convo coz theyre feelin weird.. do u feel bad coz u just realised what u said? lol i duno im talkin in circles.. if someone actually understands what im talkin bout.. ur my hero haha ;)
haha today amy went to the library and sat there for 4 hours.. behind her was eunice.. both didnt no that each other were there until it was too late.. they both were doin their physics assignment and coulda helped each other.. but they didnt no they were there till they left.. i think i believe in fate and destiny and all that.. so i guess this was destiny.. or there was a reason for them not seeing each other.. something better may have come from it.. that makes me think of times when im out and then someone sees me but i dont see them.. im always in a lost mood when im out.. i never seem to pay attention to the outside.. is it my lostiness that i dont see those people or is it destiny or fate.. i wasnt meant to see that person at that time.. am i meant to see them another time when its more suitable.. will i benefit for waitin and not seein that person.. lol see there i go again talkin in circles..
"Moonlight tends to look upsetting if you feel so too..." nice quote.. lol theirs no point to it.. i just like it.. haha
anywayz :S nite nite xoxoxox

Snake...

im really bored.. seems like im always bored these days... wat is bein bored really? coz wat if im not bored but im just sayin im bored.. it seems like boredom is everywhere i look.. can u b bored when ur doin alot of things.. maybe bein bored is havin expectations or hopes of what u wana b doin but ur not actually doin them things.. so to some1 else what u could b doin rite now is not borin but 2 u ur goin crazy coz ur so bored... im gona look up the meanin of the word bored..
omg u wouldnt believe it but the word bored isnt in the dictionary! (The Australian Oxford Paperback Dictionary).. things that people can do to make u go crazy... im so bored i looked up the word bored and its not even there.. i bet the people who made the dictionary did it on purpose... if ur so bored to look up the word bored and its not there.. it makes u determined to look in other places until u find the meaning of the word.. wow theyre so smart.. givin somethin 4 people to do when in the state of boredom...
theres the word bore... BORE: Make (a person) feel tired or uninterested by being dull or tedious... wellz.. no1s making me bored.. except myself.. so does that mean im lame? haha probably am.. lolz no wonder im bored.. im boring.. haha now gona look up the word on dictionary.com..
bored
adj 1: tired of the world; "bored with life"; "strolled through the museum with a bored air" 2: uninterested because of frequent exposure or indulgence; "his blase indifference"; "a petulent blase air"; "the bored gaze of the successful film star"
hmmz.. so its sayin the reason i am so bored is because of frequent exposure or indulgence.. once ur exposed to something over and over it becomes boring.. so by being on the net all the time and havin the same routine everyday my life is boring.. i need to do somethin to excite it.. :S well if i had somethin else to do i would b doing it..
this is so annoying.. i no my problem but i duno how to fix it.. how am i supposed to find somethin else to do.. im scared to take risks.. im scared of big things changin.. im scared of regrets.. im scared of heights.. omg im scared lolz
this whole boredom thing is makin me go crazy... i have no idea y im like this.. maybe coz i have no1 interestin to talk to.. i got about 27 people online.. no1 really that special.. oh wellz.. :S
today i woke up and did nothing at all.. watched a few movies.. and stuff... ooo im peeling.. im a snake.. eeww its so gross and ugly looking.. i feel so dirty..
awwww i want someone to come online... =( its only 10:47 its too early to sleep.. but i got nothin else to do.. im gettin bored of gunbound and my head isnt working to well to do skool work :S omg skool arghhh avoid subject coz im gona go crazy.. so much work to do and so little time.. *waaaaaaaa* *runs away screaming* i hate skool.. dont wana go anymore its such a waste of time.. i dont even no y i go.. wateva my heads been in a time warp these few days.. been really annoyed with everyone and bitin peoples heads off for no reason.. ive kinda been mean to a few people.. and i duno y... and i cant help it :S
oo rite now im doin sooma.. or howeva its spelt.. no meat or dairy products for 3 days.. started yesterday.. not to hard this time.. its the dream one.. but i dont wana eat that thing 2 c the dream.. 4 people who dont no wat im on about... u dont eat meat or dairy products for 3 days and 3 nites.. on wed nite u make this mixture of 7 ingredients.. including chick peas, kidney peas, flour.. weird stuff.. and then using ur thumb u scoop 7 times and eat it... its really dry and yukky.. then u do the same thing scooping salt.. 7 times... this makes u really really thirsty.. that nite u should dream of water.. and its believed that u will see ur future man.. the 1 ur meant 2 b with... wen my mum was younger she dreamt of this guy she liked givin her water.. but then this other hand took away the glass.. it was my dads hand.. theres heaps of stories like that really kool..
hmmz anywayz long blog.. thats enough.. byez
xoxoxo

BoreD....

omg im so bored

-= Emotion Concealed =-

today i woke up at 2.. i had my alarm set on at 12.. i wanted to get a good 8 hours sleep.. but i ended up gettin 10.. haha.. had the longest shower.. maybe more than an hour... listenin to eminem-puke on repeat :P went outside.. read a bit of this book.. my lil cuzinz came over.. played with them a lil bit.. and i got a new bed.. double.. hehe... its wider than my old one.. but it seems shorter... i really hope its comfortable coz if its not im gona be so annoyed.. ill just get my old bed back.. im attached to it.. its really comfy.. and im used to it.
yesterday two people told me that for the first time in awhile i was myself.. it got me thinkin bout what is myself meant to be? and how do they no what i really am like? it was meant as a compliment.. so i guess i should be happy.. but im really confused because i dont no how i was acting any different to usual.. or being normal.. or whatever i was doing to be myself..
hmmz anywayz short blog today coz nothin much has happend and my mind seems to be quiet tonight.. nite nite xoxoxo

соиfчѕєd

everytime i go to write a blog.. i just stop and think that i shouldnt.. i feel really lost and weird these days.. the other day i kinda had a breakdown.. alot of things were on me and i had to let them out.. this included me cryin non stop infront of a few people... writin lettas of hate.. umm bein quiet.. getn lost.. who knows.. ive been havin all different emotions..
this morning i had a dream.. a tsunami hit.. i was in the car with a few people.. my frends i think.. and we were drving tryin 2 race home.. next i was at home.. and i was tryin 2 get my dogs upstairs.. next i was in my room on my bed all alone.. my house was empty.. and water was everywhere.. i felt suffocated and alone.. really alone and sad.. when i woke up i had this weird attitude and feeling.. like i have to say everything on my mind.. becoz u dont no whats goin to happen 2moro.. it makes me sad that i dont have anything to tell or to say.. im so scared of what mite happen if i tell someone what i feel or wateva.. im really confused..

Sometimes I'm confused

About this thing I have for you

It makes me a little crazy

Putting me in this mood

I want to be on my own but

Then I want you home

You make me feel good

But I'd rather be all alone

Confused - Blackstreet.. describes exactly how i feel bout someone or thing.. whateva.. i am really confused.. i dont wanna be alone.. but i am scared of bein ignored.. what happens if i tell some1 how i feel and they dont feel the same way and it ruins wateva we have.. im really confused..

i feel really lost.. and alone.. my frends r all everywhere.. and i havent talked to any of them properly in ages.. some of them havent even bothered 2 talk 2 me.. i msgd pam merry xmas n happy new year.. 2 msgs.. and she hasnt bothered to call of msg bak.. i wonder why.. i talked 2 steven n she called him wen she found out her results for accounting.. i wonder why she hasnt called... i miss my frends so much!! i wanna c them n talk 2 them.. if ur readin this.. hello im here dont 4get about me with ur busy lives... im still here.. stable..stagnant (lol @ ms kim business).. at home most of the time.. goin crazy from boredom..

i know how i should be feeling.. i no how i want to feel.. but i cant seem to be like that.. i know i shouldnt have certain feelings.. but i feel them.. my whole mind and heart are goin crazy and not listenin 2 what should be happening..

does it hurt when someone u may have feelins for tells u they like someone else? maybe im feelin hurt.. but that someone is someone i shouldnt have feeling for.. omg see how confused i am! arghhh.. i need some professional help.... "DR PHIL" (haha white chicks)

i feel isolated.. thats the word.. everyday i wake up.. and my only connection to the outside world is through the net.. and even with that i dont have the ability to reach people.. my fone is quiet.. no one bothers to call me.. and if i call it doesnt seem right.. and i cant call becoz every1 workin or busy and i dont wana disturb them..

skool starts in 3 weeks!! omg.. so close.. i really want it to hurry up and start just so i can have a rountine to my life and get things back on track.. but then i dont want it to come bcoz of all the work and pressure to do my school work and do well..

i just remembered my mum n dad havent even seen my report for yr 11.. my mum asked about it and all i said was na i dont want uz to c it.. and she just left it.. so weird.. i think they forgot about me.. everyone forgets me.. im not special to any1.. i dont wanna be everyones everything.. just someones somthing.. thats how i feel!

i wanna be someones sumthin.. :S now if theres someone out there.. im here :D haha jokes.. hmmz... i feel really sick in my tummy now...

You don't know how sick you make me

You make me fuckin' sick to my stomach

Every time I think of you, I puke

You must just not know--whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa

You may not think you do, but you do

Every time I think of you

hmmz :S not feelin good at all.. just talkin to someone.. and gettin hurt n they dont even no thats wat theyre doin to me.. but maybe not.. it was a guy.. shitness.. goin crazy... *sigh* i think thats enough bloggin.. but my minds racing.. if i stop bloggin i have nothin 2 do.. except sleep.. and i dont wana sleep i wana make the most of talkin to a few people.. every chance i have.. y should i waste my time sleeping? when i can talk? ahooo lol i may have missd a chance of telln someone a secret.. interruptions.. shitness.. i just remembered my to-do-list for the holidays.. i havent accomplished even half of it.. all ive done is say thank u to someone.. i havent heard a secret or told one either..

waaaa im wastin my life.. i wana accomplish something.. anywayz.. thats enough bloggin.. i mite go waste my time playin gunbound...:(

byez xoxoxox

ps.. someone plz comment n tell me wat u think of my craziness.. someone.. anyone.. can u hear me?

иотніиg

i wanna be nothing at this moment.. i wana be hidden.. i dont want anyone to notice me.. if i want this then maybe people will do the opposite and give me attention? i dont have any idea how im feelin rite now.. i am really really bored.. maybe its coz i have to much expectations of what i want people to do or say to me.. and i duno.. im so lost i have no idea what im on about..
anywayz im gettin really annoyed about my sleeping habits.. i keep sleeping really really late and waking up in the mid-afternoon.. its really not healthy and i duno what im gona do when skool is about to start.. how am i gona get back into the routine of sleep.. the the other day i stayed up till about 6am.. and i woke up at like 3 yesterday.. it was very nice to stay up.. i was on the net talkin 2 a frend.. and stayed up i took some photos outside.. its amazing how quickly the sun rises.. it took about 10 minutes from dark to light..
last night i tried to go to sleep earlier.. i went to bed around 3 sumthin.. it didnt work.. my cuzin woke me up at 11 this morning.. she wanted me 2 come over.. but i decided not to.. i went to sleep again.. and layed in bed till about 2..
hmmz.. i wanna feel really hyped up and crazy.. but i cant.. i feel as though i have no energy to do thaat.. it takes alot to be happy.. i am happy.. im just dead.. im happy coz of somethin..hmmz.. hehe.. i have no idea what im doing.. i dont have a dp on msn.. no nick name.. and my text is normal.. hoping to fade into the background.. which i think is working because i have 24 people online and not 1 person is talking to me.. :( oh wellz.. maybe its time for me to come back.. and be normal again? get over it.. im over it.. get over it.. haha
yeps.. time to go back into the normal world again..

ѕсаяєd

its new years eve eve.. omg.. 2moro is the last day of 2004.. i am really really scared to face the new year.. im not prepared.. i dont think ive even gotton over this years changes and things i duno how im gona cope with a whole new year of problems and changes.. im not ready for it.. i still havent accomplished anything.. i just feel hopeless.. ive done alot this year.. but sumthings missing.. i have no idea wat it is.. but i feel empty inside and not very happy and full..
next year is gona be so different.. i am gona be in year 12.. my hsc more hw more studying.. no more going out.. (haha if u can keep me at home..) i just realised i dont wanna do year 12 at all.. i dont wana do the hsc.. i dont think my hearts in it.. my mind and heart are wild and they have been trapped by walls.. it cant escape.. im stuck in this horrible world where i have to stay inside and do work i cant explore..
im scared of alot of things.. new changes, problems, spiders, cockaroaches, mice, relationships, being lonely, on my own, fires, floods, droughts, famine, war, parents fighting, family fighting, freinds fighting.. omg so many things.. i duno how my brain handles them.. sumtimes i think to much and i cant breathe properly.. sometimes i cant sleep coz i over think.. i cant even handle some of these things.. i cant control what happens.. i have no affect on what happens.. i cant control them.. im even scared of not bein able to control these things...
atm im sittin here waitin 2 talk 2 some1 good.. but i dont think anyones goin to come online.. i really want some1 to make me laugh.. but i have to sleep early tonight and im not gona stay up waitin..
anywayz today i went fairfield.. got my nails taken off.. finally.. feel clean n fresh now.. manicure :D.. then went to bonnirigg... then my grandmas.. got home at around 10pm.. i had a pretty busy day.. shoppin for tommorrow for nye house party.. yay my mum bought me bicardi lime flavoured.. haha she goes im only allowed to have 1 bottle.. but y buy 4 bottles.. wen im goin 2 be like the only one allowed to drink it? haha im evil.. oh wellz.. i dont smoke dont do drugz.. y cant i have a drink for a special occasion?
hmmz.. i mite play a few games of gunbound before i go to sleep.. nite nite

ßℓчяяєd vіѕіои

today i woke up at 2.. got outa bed at around 3pm.. omg :S i sleep so late.. wake up in the middle of the afternoon.. i dont think thats good 4 me.. i havent done anything at all today.. walk around like a lost one wasting time till my sisters get off the computer so i can use it.. i just got on..
came on to see one of ma old frends' movin on AGAIN.. hehe oh wellz.. i thought i would be affected by it but im not, which is suprising.. coz i always complain and stuff for no reason.. maybe its coz my mind isnt here
arghh all day ive had this small headache.. rite between my eyes.. i think the lights to bright or sumthing.. hurting my vision...blurred =P
title of this blog is blurred vision.. two reasons.. my eyes.. and my future.. pretty heavy stuff to think about.. the future.. woah.. :S i have no idea wats gona happen tommorrow. or the next day.. next week.. next year.. its so scary..
Whether the excesses of the past few days are catching up with you or you're feeling drained for other reasons, you need as much rest as possible today. Once you get tired, your defences will be down and you'll start to fret about whatever is currently nagging away at the back of your mind. You're also concerned about the welfare of a certain person, which doesn't help
my horoscope for today... wonder who that certain person is.. hehe that reminds me.. a few weeks ago i posted a horoscope that i said i have to check in a few weeks to see if it came true.. i dont even remember what it was about.. hmmz.. interestin.. i have to go check it out laterz...
mwahz.. xoxoxo

мџ рошєя, мџ рℓєаѕчяє, мџ раіи

чя ℓікє а gяошіиg аddістіои тнат і саит dєиџ; шоит ч тєℓℓ мє іѕ тнат нєаℓтнџ вавіis it normal to have an addiction to someone? u wanna talk 2 them all the time? your always thinking about them? u hope they think about u? wat if u dont even no the person.. u havent met them? is that really stupid? people like guyz for different reasons.. mainly personality n looks.. my guy would be about 95% personality or sumthin.. i believe that if u like sumone for their personality their looks should become beautiful.. if they beautiful on the inside to me.. they always always have special features i love on the outside.. theyre beautiful.. yeh anywayz.. if i havent met this person n i really like their personality.. and i like guyz 95% personality.. have i found someone i like? arghh love n like is so confusing..
anywayz today i went to liverpool.. woke up at 8... slept around 3.. so only like 5 hours sleep.. woke up had shower got ready.. picked up anna at 10:45 on the dot.. got to livo at 11 on the dot.. met annas frend.. ana went.. we went movies watched meet the fockers.. omg funniest movie.. recommend it 2 any1.. um afta that mum picked me up around 2 n went stockies.. n then went 2 david n daniels place.. haha rocky got a haircut hes sooo cute now.. b4 he was so ugly.. lol :D
ummz.. came home.. ouchy i slammed my finger on sumthin 2day n it felt like my fake nail pulled my real nail.. ouchy yuky.. anywayz i gota go ffld n get them taken off..
i was so bored b4 i ws nibblin on anythin i could find.. even if it was just like 1 chip or 1 lolly.. i feel bad.. so gross...
omg my sista just called me on my fone (shes upstairs) she wanted me 2 come n kill this cockaroach which was on the stairs.. arghh stupid cockaroaches.. im am really really scared of them.. they're so big and scary.. atleast 10cm or sumthin.. :S i get really really grossed out by them n get all like squirmish :S lucky my dad woke up n killed it 4 us..
hmmz.. brain dead again.. my sisters r upstairs in my room watchin santa clause n santa clause 2.. and im not tired.. just physically broken..
anywayz ran out stuffs...
xoxoxox

яєѕсчє

today woke up at 11 sumthin went to my grandmas house.. cuzinz there.. round 4 went picnic with aunty n cuz.. stayed 4 bout an hour.. n went bak 2 grandmas house.. came home at around 11... movie marathon on 2nite.. dad not letn me go.. neva allowed 2 go anywhere or do anythin anymore.. was pissd.. came on net.. feelin kinda better.. all good..

RIP Psycho 17/5/04 - 23/12/04 :'(

ive been sittin here for about 10 minutes.. lookin at this empty screen.. i have so many things in my head i have to write... umm its christmas day..
today i spent the day at my mums older brothers house.. its tradition every easter n xmas we go there 4 lunch.. bout 30 of my cuzinz n aunties n uncles go.. its good coz its like the only time we are ever all together.. reunion..
anywayz i just went to show my mum my arm.. i think ive been bitten by about 3 mozzies.. i have this red line on my skin coz i itched it alot..
hmmz.. im so distracted.. its 10:53 now..at the moment im downloading winamp so i can install this other thing 4 my desktop.. 3% dl... haha cant wait 2 c it
my cuzinz been over here since sunday nite.. she went home last nite.. i was at church yesterday.. so bored.. i walked around this girl until my feet died from wearin my pointies.. arghh i have no idea y i wore them.. or y i even bought them.. $110 just 4 shoes ive only worn about 4 times :S a waste.. i wore like black pants n this new white jacket n a blue top.. i looked so "lady like" haha so funny.. i was a girly girl 4 a few hours..
i duno if im a girly girl.. or a girl or a tom boy.. or wateva i am.. i think i would call myself 'comfortable' i walk comfortable.. i wear comfortable clothes.. yesterday my feet killed so much i took off my shoes n walked around in stockings.. hahaha oh wellz no1 could tell.. my pants cover my feet..
i hate it wen people class other people.. as either girly.. or a tom boy.. y do we have 2 be classed.. and if we change into sumthin else it becomes a big deal.. and if u try a skirt on or sumthin thats meant to be "girly" we r learnin this from another person.. they influenced us? we copied them? its not like u were the 1st person 2 walk a certain way or talk a certain way.. y do we have 2 b like u? y do we need that sorta attention? do we need that certain look for certain people to like us? y do we have 2 change for others?
changes... a year ago my life was so different.. i wish it was still the same old routine.. im in yr 12 now.. im in a new stage of my life.. met new people.. some good.. some not.. been in new relationships.. made new friends.. got new responsibilities.. new situations.. new problems..
these new relationships.. become old ones.. and new problems come from them.. y do u feel as though ur over some1.. and then sumthin happens n they come bak into ur life.. and blame u for certain situations which led 2 uz not talkin anymore? wen it was actually there fault.. them avoiding u.. and they dont have the guts to admit it.. and they just go on livin there life with this lie.. shifting the blame onto some1 else... and then after all that they go and make up lies about havin a different relationship with some1 else at the same time as u 2 some1 else... u no its not true.. u no that they makin it up 4 some reason.. maybe to make themselves sound cool or sumthin.. but u cant comfront them or tell them theyre rong coz ur not meant to no.. and then y after all that do u feel u need 2 msg them merry xmas? wen its like y would u wana b nice 2 some1 like that?
hmmz... wat else.. feels like im talkin 2 myself..
oh yeh... my doggy died :( he went missin in the mornin.. and then wen the lawnmower kids came 2 mow the law.. they opened the side gate and some strange dog ran in.. we didnt no it was psycho.. we thought it was our neighbours dog.. but we were missin our dog.. we duno where he went or how he got out.. but anywayz.. this strange dog was really quiet n hardly movin.. sleepin alot.. the next mornin i woke up around 2pm and my mums like he died.. it was psycho most probably.. and our neighbours said it was probably a snake or lizard.. and the scary thing about that is that just b4 i woke up i had a dream about snakes n cockaroaches.. snakes apparently bring evil.. or sumthin.. and its like my dream came true.. :( that whole day i was so sad.. i ended up cryin later on but it was over sumthin else.. just built up inside me.. it all came out..
i feel a bit better tonight.. and pretty good.. in a long time.. but who noes how ill feel tommorrow.. my moods a rollercoaster :S
anywayz thats enough bloggin.. nite nite
xoxoxoox

Lost... =S

Im at my cuzinz house in martraville or sumwhere it is.. went miranda today.. shoppin... it was alright.. kinda borin though... umm.. i got really annoyed wen ppl tellin me i should buy swimmers just so i can wear them 4 one day.. i hate bein told to do sumthin coz i just wana do the opposite..
ummm recently sum1 in my past came bak.. msgd me.. um yeh hes still a dickhead :S stupid guyz neva change..
i havent been able to blog 4awhile coz my cuzinz been over for awhile and i havent been home and yeh... so much stuff.. no privacy.. feelin kinda lost these days.. xmas is comin..not im mood for it.. argh oh wellz.. beta stop ppl comin bye

βчттєяfℓџz

i got the whole first season of One Tree Hill.. I've only watched the first 6 episodes.. at the end of each chad always says these really beautiful quotes.. so as i was watchin them yesterday i dictated them.. they are really beautiful.. listenin to them over n over made me feel really sad, depressed, happy, phylosiphical.. mixed emotions..
One Tree Hill Quotes:

1. There is a tide in the affairs of men which take out the flood which leads on to fortune but amended the voyage of their lives is bound by the shadows and miseries on such a full sea we now float and we must take the current it deserves or lose the ventures before us

2. Do not let your fire go out spark by an irreplaceable spark and hopeless swamps of not quite not yet and the not at all, do not let the hero in your soul perish with only frustration for the life you deserved and never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won it exists its is real it is possible and it is yours

3. To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day to make it through everybody else meets to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting

5. It seems to me that if u or I must chose between two courses of thought or action we should remember our dying and try so to live, that our death brings no pleasure on the world

6.As happens sometimes there’s a moment settled and hovered and remained for much more than a moment the sounds stopped and the moment stopped for much much more than a moment and then the moment was gone

today was the last day of Discovering Sydney.. went Luna Park.. felt so sick.. wastd money.. came home.. watched this movie called "Drumline" kinda like bring it on but instead of cheerleaders a marching band.. really nice movie.. while watchin it they had Butterfylz - Alicia Keys playin in the background... i absolutely love that song.. im listenin 2 it now on repeat.. and gettin kinda teary.. lol not becoz of the song.. coz of other stuffs.. but yeh..
im so bored.. holidays are startin really soon.. i dont want them.. what am i gonna do for 6 weeks.. evey1s goin overseas.. what am i gonna do.. who am i gona talk 2? :'( arghh... oh wellz.. ill live..
babaiz xoxox