Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once said: A man can stand anything except a succession of ordinary days.
so its like 11:03pm. tuesday. i got home from livo 2day n went to sleep until about 9 or sumthin. i was so tired n really really bored. Johann Wolfgand was so write wen he said ppl can live with anythin except a million normal boring days over n over. u run outa things to do. i dont really no wat to do with myself. i hate it wen i have extra time i start to think and wonder and overthink and bitch n complain moan whinge go crazy. its not healthy.. watched 'Wedding Crashers" today. it was good. OMG i cant get over the fact we walked into the wrong movie. thats soooo funny. were so stupid lolz.. 'how long is the movie?' 'i duno.. hmmz from 12:40 to 3:00.. thats like 2 hours 20 minutes', 'wat cinema..?' 'cinema 9' ... walk into cinema 9.. rite movie rite cinema.. wat time was it? 1:40.. lmao got the wrong ticket. i cant believe it was so funny.. 'ys the movie like half way? were only 10 min late.. ' hahaha anywayz.. the movie was funny.. laughed alot which was good after a bad day of maths results.. shitness.. omg n my movie 'tea with mussonlin'.. its been discontinued. y do i always get the crap stuff.. can i get a misadventure for my english exam mark. its not my fault i had to make up stuff for the essay. the movie doesnt even exist anymore.
i hate school sooo much. i hate getting our results. i hate thinking about how im gona miss everything. i hate how everything is the last of. im trying to take mental pictures of it. but my brain capacity isnt large enough to remember moments. the moments r gona b gone :( argh.. to much time to wonder bout the future. i hate thinking about the next day. i hate not knowing. i hate everything but its ironic how the things i hate are gona be the things i miss the most.
i duno wat to do with myself. i havent been goin on the net much anymore. i have no social life outside of skool coz most of them ppl dont talk 2 me or ive totally started ignoring ppl. i feel so mean. my cuz came up 2 me n said hi.. blah blah. n i didnt even say hi. i wrote 'k' n thats it.. lolz. im really annoyed at myself coz thats really mean. i wasnt in the mood to talk to anyone. n i havent been in ages. everytime i c ppl on the net i ignore most n dont go up 2 them or im busy playn games. yay im lvl 84 in RO now. as soon as i lvl up the server went down :( i wanted to go up 1 more lvl but sumthin stopped me. its a sign i wasnt meant to lvl up again im not sure y.. but yeh i wasnt,
im sorta hyped up coz i slept already and im not really tired. but i no i need to sleep now so i can wake up 2moro. but i cant sleep. so i dont no wat to do. thats y i came online. n now im online i got nuthin 2 do. so wat was the point? lalallalaa boredom..
very long boring blog..
gona go maybe sleep.. duno yet
nite nite [L]uv] ~ SamZ
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Friday, August 19, 2005
а fєш іиѕріяатіоиаℓ шояdѕ
Ayn Rand once said: "Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours."
yay i cant believe i finally finished the trials. last exam was business.. i had two days off so i could study. But as usual i didnt study.. Last night i began to stress.. got distracted didnt study.. woke up this morning.. running late.. early for the bus just so i didnt miss it.. OMG guess who was on the bus? SHIVASHREE haha remember her? well i didnt.. i was walkin off the bus and she was lookn at me. and i said hi. walked off.. then after all that i realised who it was hehe i feel bad.. she looks the same and i didnt recognise her. oh wellz :P anywayz business was fine.. i guess it was ok.. i didnt write that much. THANK YOU PRAMEETA lol for the lift i owe u heaps. :D
Anywayz im home.. playn checkers like the old times with my old neighbour haha.. its so weird.. Its one of my aunties bdays 2day. I ate chips n chocolate :S relaxation = junkation hehe gona be so unhealthy
On tuesday goin livo. any1 wana join. welcome. afta skool around 12... watch a movie or sumthin
Bored As[S] betta be off.. bye byez
yay i cant believe i finally finished the trials. last exam was business.. i had two days off so i could study. But as usual i didnt study.. Last night i began to stress.. got distracted didnt study.. woke up this morning.. running late.. early for the bus just so i didnt miss it.. OMG guess who was on the bus? SHIVASHREE haha remember her? well i didnt.. i was walkin off the bus and she was lookn at me. and i said hi. walked off.. then after all that i realised who it was hehe i feel bad.. she looks the same and i didnt recognise her. oh wellz :P anywayz business was fine.. i guess it was ok.. i didnt write that much. THANK YOU PRAMEETA lol for the lift i owe u heaps. :D
Anywayz im home.. playn checkers like the old times with my old neighbour haha.. its so weird.. Its one of my aunties bdays 2day. I ate chips n chocolate :S relaxation = junkation hehe gona be so unhealthy
On tuesday goin livo. any1 wana join. welcome. afta skool around 12... watch a movie or sumthin
Bored As[S] betta be off.. bye byez
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
тнє тіdє тнат ℓєfт аиd иєvєя самє ъаск
Hansel said to Gretel. “Let us drop these breadcrumbs, so together we can find our way home. Because losing our way would be the most cruellest of things”. This year got lost on my way and losing your way on a journey isn’t fortunate, but losing your reason on the journey is a fate more cruel. The journey lasted 8 months, sometimes I travelled around, sometimes there were others who took the wheel and took my heart. But when the destination was reached it wasn’t me who arrived. It wasn’t me at all and once you lose yourself you have two choices. Find the person you used to be or lose that person completely. Because sometimes you have to step outside the person you have been and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you wanted to be, the person you are.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Routine
HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY AMY (for yesterday) hope u had a marvelous exciting day and i hope u made it memorable. you only eva hav a 18th bday once.
i really didnt wana start bloggin again.. but i feel as though i have to. i need to talk.. i havent had a proper conversation with anyone in a really long time. i feel really lost, distracted, confused, withdrawn. people talk to me and i talk to them. but im just standing there. u no wat i mean? just standing and watching and nodding and smiling. do i even no wat im saying? no. i just stand and nod and say yeh uhuh agreeing.. even when im in discussions they are never deep.
why has my life been overtaken by skool? why do i feel every moment is taken up by work? why do i feel like this? am i doing it on purpose? i think i am. avoiding reality. concentrating on avoiding life. but by doing so it doesnt mean im gona become super smart or sumthing. ive bearly had time to study. thinking and concentrating on not thinking is hard and tiring work.
it feels as though every1 i considered a frend has changed.. (excluding most skool frends).. but i mean people who were my frends on the outside. in my life. im not sure if they were my 'frends' or just people. but if they were my frends why do they avoid me or ignore me. or only talk 2 me when they need somthing.. my cuzn hasnt called me in ages.. she hasnt bothered.. but she went n asked my sista 2 ask me 2 borrow a dress.. without talking 2 me.. n i let her... i duno y i gota b nice
the trials bring out the true insides of some people. its so horrible. how nasty n mean people can get. its like they r in the wild. and they r starving. and theres only 1 apple left. n they all fite over it to get it. people would pretend to share it but they give u the rotten core of it.. i duno if it makes me up myself but i would think in that situation i am nice. i would give up my share to someone who needed it more. is it wrong to think im nice? maybe nicer than some other people? argh i duno
some people say i am too nice. and it mite be true. if someones mean 2 me. i cannot tell them 2 there face. i neva stoop to their level. i would neva do wat they did 2 me. i often get used and i get hurt, but wat am i meant 2 do. atleast there r a few people who look out for me. but im not sure that those people really exist.
atm im really really confused. i havent had enough time to stop n think and cry. even though i cry alot. i havent let out my feelings. i sit here and watch life walk past me. watch people grow and change and drift. while i stay and watch and observe. will i grow and evolve to? when is it my turn to change? or have i already started to? maybe its me whos been changing while every1 around me is still?...
*sigh* *yawn**scream* im meant to be studying for legal now.. but i dont want to. i did horrible the past few exams.. im really annoyed at myself for not studying for advanced english paper. why am i so nice? why do i worry about my sisters? fuckn hate yr 8 4 bein bitches 2 my sista. i cant believe i care so much about her. omg what am i doing? am i blaming my love for my sista for doing bad in english? arghh c y i hate blogging... im a bitch :S i guess its not just blogging coz they r my thoughts n feelings.. but yeh.. its not true if u dont say it.
sometimes its easier to see what you want than to search for the truth.
i really didnt wana start bloggin again.. but i feel as though i have to. i need to talk.. i havent had a proper conversation with anyone in a really long time. i feel really lost, distracted, confused, withdrawn. people talk to me and i talk to them. but im just standing there. u no wat i mean? just standing and watching and nodding and smiling. do i even no wat im saying? no. i just stand and nod and say yeh uhuh agreeing.. even when im in discussions they are never deep.
why has my life been overtaken by skool? why do i feel every moment is taken up by work? why do i feel like this? am i doing it on purpose? i think i am. avoiding reality. concentrating on avoiding life. but by doing so it doesnt mean im gona become super smart or sumthing. ive bearly had time to study. thinking and concentrating on not thinking is hard and tiring work.
it feels as though every1 i considered a frend has changed.. (excluding most skool frends).. but i mean people who were my frends on the outside. in my life. im not sure if they were my 'frends' or just people. but if they were my frends why do they avoid me or ignore me. or only talk 2 me when they need somthing.. my cuzn hasnt called me in ages.. she hasnt bothered.. but she went n asked my sista 2 ask me 2 borrow a dress.. without talking 2 me.. n i let her... i duno y i gota b nice
the trials bring out the true insides of some people. its so horrible. how nasty n mean people can get. its like they r in the wild. and they r starving. and theres only 1 apple left. n they all fite over it to get it. people would pretend to share it but they give u the rotten core of it.. i duno if it makes me up myself but i would think in that situation i am nice. i would give up my share to someone who needed it more. is it wrong to think im nice? maybe nicer than some other people? argh i duno
some people say i am too nice. and it mite be true. if someones mean 2 me. i cannot tell them 2 there face. i neva stoop to their level. i would neva do wat they did 2 me. i often get used and i get hurt, but wat am i meant 2 do. atleast there r a few people who look out for me. but im not sure that those people really exist.
atm im really really confused. i havent had enough time to stop n think and cry. even though i cry alot. i havent let out my feelings. i sit here and watch life walk past me. watch people grow and change and drift. while i stay and watch and observe. will i grow and evolve to? when is it my turn to change? or have i already started to? maybe its me whos been changing while every1 around me is still?...
*sigh* *yawn**scream* im meant to be studying for legal now.. but i dont want to. i did horrible the past few exams.. im really annoyed at myself for not studying for advanced english paper. why am i so nice? why do i worry about my sisters? fuckn hate yr 8 4 bein bitches 2 my sista. i cant believe i care so much about her. omg what am i doing? am i blaming my love for my sista for doing bad in english? arghh c y i hate blogging... im a bitch :S i guess its not just blogging coz they r my thoughts n feelings.. but yeh.. its not true if u dont say it.
sometimes its easier to see what you want than to search for the truth.
Sunday, July 03, 2005
аитірнои
this is my antiphon.. well not relly.. its just givin me sumthin 2 do.. plus i wanted to write down a list of things i wana do in the holidays and i couldnt think of a place to put them.. i really wonder who will be the first person to realise i blogged again.. any1.. even anonymous ppl.. comment or tell me if youve read it.. anywayz.. my list..
- learn a new language.. either spanish indian chinese or arabic..
- do all my assignments and catch up
- eat a banana flavoured gelato - done (had watermelon instead.. its really hard to find banana flavour)
- stay up one night and see the sunrise
- play a new game - done (this assyrian card game)
- buy a plant
- buy a gift for someone - done (anthonys $$ pressie.. even though its money still a gift..isnt it?)
- cook dinner/lunch - done (sorta.. made lasagne)
- meet someone new - done (met alot of ppl.. lawrences n anthonys parties..)
- go out to a new area - done (adventures with anna)
- take a photo of scenery - done (sydney harbour bridge, luna park, trees.. millions of pics)
- do a nice thing for someone getting a 'thankyou' in return - done (im pretty sure ive done this even if there is no precise moment)
- stay out one night - done (adventures with anna)
- dont listen 2 any songs for 1 whole day (24 hours) DOUBT THIS WILL EVER BE ACHIEVED EVEN THROUGH THE TIMESPAN OF MY WHOLE LIFE
- find a new career path
- get a hobby
- learn a new talent
- play a sport
- write a list - done (does this count as a list? if not i wrote a shopping list)
- use a 'smart' 'big' word atleast once a day - partially done
- drive every single day - sorta done (havent driven in awhile.. but will start again soon)
- have a -heart - to - heart- with someone
- prank someone
- scream for no reason
- draw or paint a picture or a design - done
- scan something - done
- learn to breathe and meditate
- go bowling ten pin or lawn bowls
cant think of anythin else.. dad here gota go
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
вџє вџє
my last blog.. bloggin makes me self-obsessed coz its a place just about me.. i dont wana b selfish no more.. im not blogging anymore.. it creates to many problems.. bye bye
p.s sistas bday 2moro.. happy bday nat
p.s sistas bday 2moro.. happy bday nat
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
іиѕомиіа
Me and Anna made a site...
Insomnia - Chronic inability to fall asleep or remain asleep for an adequate length of time
There can be physical causes for insomnia, like medications you're taking, thyroid problems, hormonal imbalances, etc. It can also be related to depression. Or it may just be what is called "psychophysiological" insomnia, also called "learned" or "conditioned" insomnia. This happens when a life stress causes a few nights of poor sleep, but then the poor sleep is perpetuated by worry over not sleeping. In this case, behavioral modifications are most helpful in breaking the cycle of worry and anxiety. Whatever the cause, you shouldn't go it alone
Insomnia - Chronic inability to fall asleep or remain asleep for an adequate length of time
There can be physical causes for insomnia, like medications you're taking, thyroid problems, hormonal imbalances, etc. It can also be related to depression. Or it may just be what is called "psychophysiological" insomnia, also called "learned" or "conditioned" insomnia. This happens when a life stress causes a few nights of poor sleep, but then the poor sleep is perpetuated by worry over not sleeping. In this case, behavioral modifications are most helpful in breaking the cycle of worry and anxiety. Whatever the cause, you shouldn't go it alone
- Going to bed and getting up at the same time every day -
- Eliminating caffeine and nicotine and limiting alcohol consumption -
- No reading or watching T.V. in bed (so you only associate the bed with sleep) -
- No clock-watching in the bedroom (helps tremendously with anxiety) -
- Developing and following a good pre-sleep routine every night (taking a hot bath, reading, listening to music, or whatever helps to relax you) -
- Moving to another room when you can't sleep to read or do some other relaxing activity, returning to bed only when sleepy (again, to associate the bed with sleep instead of tossing and turning) -
- Stopping negative sleep thoughts and replacing them with positive ones
lolz.. mite b wats wrong with me.. but theres many things wrong with me =D i think im just overly tired.. bored.. have to much time.. and make up diseases that i dont have.. but i really cant sleep.. had 3-4 hours sleep last nite.. and eyes r burnin now.. *yawning is meant to be pleasurable..* (quote provided by Ms Roberts.. Bio) haha i cant concentrate anymore.. im brain dead.. i tried to do hw.. but couldnt.. and i keep thinkn bout some1 i shouldnt be.. arghh cant get it outa my head.. and im not the type to obsess.. (eyes look up n down round n round.. *innocent*) haha.. i dont wana feel like this but i do.. how do u stop likin some1??? help! yeh anywayz.. ive had plenty of time to think of everythin in the world.. y are chairs called chairs? wat is a chair? who named the chair? is it a hair with a c? hmmz goin crazy.. i need a psychiatrist.. any1 wana offer there free services... lol
anywayz much luv.. samantha xoxoxo
Sunday, May 01, 2005
і саяє авочт џоч
Bootiful lyrics by Babyface.. luvn songs u can relate to.. hehe =)
Sometimes I feel so alone
I call your heart
But there's no one at home
Taking a toll on my pride
I'm reaching out
But there's no one inside
It doesn't feel right, when I look in your eyes
I know love is blind, but the heart doesn't lie
I'll ask one more time, maybe this time you'll try
So tell me girl what's deep in your heart
Girl I care 'bout youI'm there for you
So why don't you care for me
Like I care 'bout you
awww how sweet.. ='( *sob* lol
atm my brain not workin.. today long day.. cleaned alot.. died on RO.. go to amy for screenshot.. haha
wanted to go livo.. not allowed.. bex and bea came over.. diana.. yeh... net nuthin.. chat.. soon sleep
bye bye
Sometimes I feel so alone
I call your heart
But there's no one at home
Taking a toll on my pride
I'm reaching out
But there's no one inside
It doesn't feel right, when I look in your eyes
I know love is blind, but the heart doesn't lie
I'll ask one more time, maybe this time you'll try
So tell me girl what's deep in your heart
Girl I care 'bout youI'm there for you
So why don't you care for me
Like I care 'bout you
awww how sweet.. ='( *sob* lol
atm my brain not workin.. today long day.. cleaned alot.. died on RO.. go to amy for screenshot.. haha
wanted to go livo.. not allowed.. bex and bea came over.. diana.. yeh... net nuthin.. chat.. soon sleep
bye bye
Friday, April 29, 2005
Thursday, April 28, 2005
fаіℓчяє
so it was the first day of school... and i feel really bad..i duno wat my problem is.. i have the biggest mouth and im so annoying.. if i were someone else id hate me so much.. i got verbal diarehea (wateva.. spell check.. the shit thing) lol i no wat im sayin and i no i shouldnt be talkin but i cant control myself! theres no excuse for how annoyin i am.. arghh. ok got results for maths half yearly 43% failed.. i new i was gona fail but i got annoyed at myself for getn the stupidest things wrong.. so im in class bein vocal bout my marks and complainin bout how annoyed i was with myself.. and just bein really ungrateful for my marks.. i mean i guess i didnt do that bad compared to the class.. but still.. and lorenzo kinda told me to keep my complains to myself.. but did i listen? noo! :S i had to keep talkin.. and now i feel really really bad.. i mean if i had goten a mark and some1 who got higher than me started complainin id get pissd.. and i was doin exactly that.. now i feel really bad for bein a bad person :( and i regret openin my mouth..
english marks.. 13/20 = 6.5/10 lucky it was only 10%.. i didnt do bad.. didnt do good.. i got the average mark.. i wanted to do better.. hmmz wats done is done
last nite i went to bed round 1 didnt fall asleep till about like 3 or 4.. and only got about 3 or 4 hours sleep.. got home from skool and round 5 fell asleep till 8:30 :S i hate sleepin in the day.. now i got a major headache.. dizzyness.. confusion.. annoyance.. blehh all that :S
2moros mufti day arghh hate it so much.. i didnt no wat to wear.. amandas frend was over helpin her find clothes 4 2moro.. so i asked for advice.. and now under alot of pressure im wearin 3/4 black stripy pants.. long black and white socks.. white singlet.. black mini jacket thing.. and joggers.. im gona look so bad and wrong.. not me.. and gona feel uncomfortable.. but yeh :s i duno wat else to wear.. arghh
i cant think.. head hurts :'( bye byez
english marks.. 13/20 = 6.5/10 lucky it was only 10%.. i didnt do bad.. didnt do good.. i got the average mark.. i wanted to do better.. hmmz wats done is done
last nite i went to bed round 1 didnt fall asleep till about like 3 or 4.. and only got about 3 or 4 hours sleep.. got home from skool and round 5 fell asleep till 8:30 :S i hate sleepin in the day.. now i got a major headache.. dizzyness.. confusion.. annoyance.. blehh all that :S
2moros mufti day arghh hate it so much.. i didnt no wat to wear.. amandas frend was over helpin her find clothes 4 2moro.. so i asked for advice.. and now under alot of pressure im wearin 3/4 black stripy pants.. long black and white socks.. white singlet.. black mini jacket thing.. and joggers.. im gona look so bad and wrong.. not me.. and gona feel uncomfortable.. but yeh :s i duno wat else to wear.. arghh
i cant think.. head hurts :'( bye byez
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
random quotes..
Its hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does.. the truth is everyone out there is going to hurt you, you just have to decide whos worth the pain..
there are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them up from your dreams and hold them for real, its true that we dont know what we have until its gone, but its also true that we dont no what weve been missing till it arrives...
if hes the first thing you think about when you wake up in the morning... the only thing you think about all day... and the last thing you think about right before you sleep.. then you know your really in luv..
sometimes in life you only get once chance.. sometimes its now or never..
the greatest irony of luv is letting go when you need to hold on.. and holdin on when you need to let go
there are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them up from your dreams and hold them for real, its true that we dont know what we have until its gone, but its also true that we dont no what weve been missing till it arrives...
if hes the first thing you think about when you wake up in the morning... the only thing you think about all day... and the last thing you think about right before you sleep.. then you know your really in luv..
sometimes in life you only get once chance.. sometimes its now or never..
the greatest irony of luv is letting go when you need to hold on.. and holdin on when you need to let go
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
шно ам і??
today i went over my cuznz place.. shane n anthony.. for a bbq.. every1 was there.. [01:01am some1 thinkin bout me...:S] anywayz.. made me think of who i am.. and y im like that.. ive come to a conclusion..
when i was younger.. i was a tomboy.. always hung around my guy cuzinz and felt more comfortable round guyz.. i started to grow older.. more mature.. and so did my guy cuznz.. they didnt want me hangin round when they picked up chicks or were just actin like guyz.. so i was kinda pushed away from them.. i had to find a new group of ppl 2 b with.. made me closer to my girl cuznz.. now i hang around girls.. and be girly with them.. makeup clothes check out guyz try n act all eww yukk.. u no a girl.. but im not comfotable with them.. girls bitch complain whinge bla bla... wateva.. i realised that if im in a situation with a big group of guyz and theyre my frends i can be really comfotable with them and joke and wateva.. but as soon as some1 mentions the possibility of relationships or some1 bein hot or sumthin.. i totally get weird.. im not comfortable and act really shy and quiet.. and thats the total opposite of wat im really like.. i like bein original and loud.. i wore odd socks to church with hundreds of ppl lookin and i yell and scream and make weird noises wen walkin round.. but if theres some guy there i totally change.. if im with my cuzn.. i hate it.. and its becoz wheneva we go out.. theres always a guy around.. or guyz checkin her out.. or a guy.. guyz everywhere.. i think thats y i hate it.. becoz i hate it.. i pretend i dont care and i dont try.. y should i try to be somethin that im not and feel uncomfortable? and if a guy does end up likin me wen im fake then i dont like him or i get annoyed.. other people think im upmyself or sumthin.. like for example.. the u18s thing.. the guy was all ova me or wateva it was.. and afta that i complained and whinged bout him.. but then people ask.. y do u even go when u no that u18s r place 4 ppl 2 meet n pick up? i really dont no wat 2 say.. i really wana meet some1.. but i duno..i cant.. im not comfotable with anythin.. i feel really bad.. i got tears in my eyes now.. everythin in my life seems to be piling up.. and i cant handle it..
all problems seem to be illuminated rite now..
my family frends skool.. everythin seems to hav been exagerated and problems seem to have expanded.. so uncontrolable.. and i dont no what to do.. ive tried blocking it.. but i keep exploding.. it never works.. avoiding the problem only makes me more sad.. and i end up here sittin on the net.. pourin out my feelings and crying.. i need a new way to deal with things.. i need to get away.. i need time to myself.. i need to find out who i am.. i want so many things 4 my life but i cant seem to get anythin..
i wana pack all my things and go.. somewhere.. who noes where.. away... i wish i was some1 else.. or with some1.. or had 1 person there just to be there.. omg i feel like cryin.. but i cant.. eyes r teary.. its 1:17am.. dad told me that i had to get offline at 1.. but i think him n my sis r watchin a movie and he 4got.. i hope he falls asleep and doesnt come in here.. i dont want any1 2 c me sad n teary.. its embarassing.. arghhh
lol its really funny.. ive noticed that wen i blog bout all this shit.. no1 seems to comment.. but i understand and i feel really bad.. y r some ppl so caring? they care so much and worry and dont no wat 2 say.. i feel bad to worry ppl.. wen its normal 2 feel bad.. i feel bad when some1 asks me wats wrong.. coz i dont wana tell them and make them feel bad.. i duno if that makes sense.. but wateva.. i want help but i dont want it from ppl that r close to me.. i duno y i feel like this wen if the shoe was on the other foot.. and i was readin one of my frends blogs id really wana help.. but i feel like they dont need to b there 4 me.. every1s got there own problems.. and they dont need more.. i think i just need to meet new ppl.. and talk 2 strangers and yeh.. i have no idea wat im sayin..
i dont wana get offline.. not yet.. ive still got hope.. ive got the willingness to be happy.. my brain is 2 sided.. i wana breakdown but i wana be happy on the other.. my head talks to itself keeps sayin relax go to sleep wake up problems will be gone.. the other says cry let it out talk to someone.. i duno which side to follow.. so i end up sittin here getn emotional.. cry laugh.. stare into space.. im rally weird.. :S
ive also realised i cant concentrate for more than 10minutes or sumthin.. i always get distracted.. and then wat i rite doesnt make sense at all..
today i laughed so much.. this always happens to me when ive had a good day.. i always seem to run out of laughs and happiness.. im really emotional.. i seriously think i need help lol..
ive been blogging for 24 minutes.. think thats enough.. just gona listen 2 some music for awhile..
when i was younger.. i was a tomboy.. always hung around my guy cuzinz and felt more comfortable round guyz.. i started to grow older.. more mature.. and so did my guy cuznz.. they didnt want me hangin round when they picked up chicks or were just actin like guyz.. so i was kinda pushed away from them.. i had to find a new group of ppl 2 b with.. made me closer to my girl cuznz.. now i hang around girls.. and be girly with them.. makeup clothes check out guyz try n act all eww yukk.. u no a girl.. but im not comfotable with them.. girls bitch complain whinge bla bla... wateva.. i realised that if im in a situation with a big group of guyz and theyre my frends i can be really comfotable with them and joke and wateva.. but as soon as some1 mentions the possibility of relationships or some1 bein hot or sumthin.. i totally get weird.. im not comfortable and act really shy and quiet.. and thats the total opposite of wat im really like.. i like bein original and loud.. i wore odd socks to church with hundreds of ppl lookin and i yell and scream and make weird noises wen walkin round.. but if theres some guy there i totally change.. if im with my cuzn.. i hate it.. and its becoz wheneva we go out.. theres always a guy around.. or guyz checkin her out.. or a guy.. guyz everywhere.. i think thats y i hate it.. becoz i hate it.. i pretend i dont care and i dont try.. y should i try to be somethin that im not and feel uncomfortable? and if a guy does end up likin me wen im fake then i dont like him or i get annoyed.. other people think im upmyself or sumthin.. like for example.. the u18s thing.. the guy was all ova me or wateva it was.. and afta that i complained and whinged bout him.. but then people ask.. y do u even go when u no that u18s r place 4 ppl 2 meet n pick up? i really dont no wat 2 say.. i really wana meet some1.. but i duno..i cant.. im not comfotable with anythin.. i feel really bad.. i got tears in my eyes now.. everythin in my life seems to be piling up.. and i cant handle it..
all problems seem to be illuminated rite now..
my family frends skool.. everythin seems to hav been exagerated and problems seem to have expanded.. so uncontrolable.. and i dont no what to do.. ive tried blocking it.. but i keep exploding.. it never works.. avoiding the problem only makes me more sad.. and i end up here sittin on the net.. pourin out my feelings and crying.. i need a new way to deal with things.. i need to get away.. i need time to myself.. i need to find out who i am.. i want so many things 4 my life but i cant seem to get anythin..
i wana pack all my things and go.. somewhere.. who noes where.. away... i wish i was some1 else.. or with some1.. or had 1 person there just to be there.. omg i feel like cryin.. but i cant.. eyes r teary.. its 1:17am.. dad told me that i had to get offline at 1.. but i think him n my sis r watchin a movie and he 4got.. i hope he falls asleep and doesnt come in here.. i dont want any1 2 c me sad n teary.. its embarassing.. arghhh
lol its really funny.. ive noticed that wen i blog bout all this shit.. no1 seems to comment.. but i understand and i feel really bad.. y r some ppl so caring? they care so much and worry and dont no wat 2 say.. i feel bad to worry ppl.. wen its normal 2 feel bad.. i feel bad when some1 asks me wats wrong.. coz i dont wana tell them and make them feel bad.. i duno if that makes sense.. but wateva.. i want help but i dont want it from ppl that r close to me.. i duno y i feel like this wen if the shoe was on the other foot.. and i was readin one of my frends blogs id really wana help.. but i feel like they dont need to b there 4 me.. every1s got there own problems.. and they dont need more.. i think i just need to meet new ppl.. and talk 2 strangers and yeh.. i have no idea wat im sayin..
i dont wana get offline.. not yet.. ive still got hope.. ive got the willingness to be happy.. my brain is 2 sided.. i wana breakdown but i wana be happy on the other.. my head talks to itself keeps sayin relax go to sleep wake up problems will be gone.. the other says cry let it out talk to someone.. i duno which side to follow.. so i end up sittin here getn emotional.. cry laugh.. stare into space.. im rally weird.. :S
ive also realised i cant concentrate for more than 10minutes or sumthin.. i always get distracted.. and then wat i rite doesnt make sense at all..
today i laughed so much.. this always happens to me when ive had a good day.. i always seem to run out of laughs and happiness.. im really emotional.. i seriously think i need help lol..
ive been blogging for 24 minutes.. think thats enough.. just gona listen 2 some music for awhile..
Monday, April 25, 2005
*sigh*
arghh... y do some people always think that there problems r more important than urs? i mean some people do hav more problems than u.. and i bet i think my problems r worse than others.. but i mean u should atleast listen 2 someone elses problems n try help them sort it out.. not contiue on and on about who noes wat completely ignoring u..
i hate being ignored.. i hate bein told 2 butt out wen it actually does involve me.. and i seriously hate bein told to shut up.. thats the worse.. if some1 tells me 2 shut up i click it.. i cant take it.. i cant b quiet.. arghhh and i was havn an ok day 2day... but then every1 around me seems to be getn really annoyed.. and now im getn annoyed..
ok.. im moody again.. now im ok.. :S
i went drivin today.. and omg i feel really really bad coz i havent gotten my Ls yet.. :'( that was 1 thing i wanted to do in my holidays.. but i didnt.. im so lucky i neva made a list for these holidays. coz if i did i would b really pissd that i didnt accomplish it..
im really distracted.. duno wat im ritin.. last nite was explicit at nineveh club.. so shit.. not even 100 ppl came.. camera man.. told me 2 get outa a foto.. how rude.. miami pics r up.. ours isnt there.. im so fukn pissd.. y doesnt no1 like meeee =( arghh i think i embarassed shane.. he was sitn on a chair in middle of dance floor.. being the clown that he is.. and me n my cuz kathryn kinda ran around him and i ruined his hair lol..
some weird freak just added me.. assyrain.. cant spell.. and thinks he met me at a wedding and i was with amy.. i bet its steven..
anywayz im stop writin
i hate being ignored.. i hate bein told 2 butt out wen it actually does involve me.. and i seriously hate bein told to shut up.. thats the worse.. if some1 tells me 2 shut up i click it.. i cant take it.. i cant b quiet.. arghhh and i was havn an ok day 2day... but then every1 around me seems to be getn really annoyed.. and now im getn annoyed..
ok.. im moody again.. now im ok.. :S
i went drivin today.. and omg i feel really really bad coz i havent gotten my Ls yet.. :'( that was 1 thing i wanted to do in my holidays.. but i didnt.. im so lucky i neva made a list for these holidays. coz if i did i would b really pissd that i didnt accomplish it..
im really distracted.. duno wat im ritin.. last nite was explicit at nineveh club.. so shit.. not even 100 ppl came.. camera man.. told me 2 get outa a foto.. how rude.. miami pics r up.. ours isnt there.. im so fukn pissd.. y doesnt no1 like meeee =( arghh i think i embarassed shane.. he was sitn on a chair in middle of dance floor.. being the clown that he is.. and me n my cuz kathryn kinda ran around him and i ruined his hair lol..
some weird freak just added me.. assyrain.. cant spell.. and thinks he met me at a wedding and i was with amy.. i bet its steven..
anywayz im stop writin
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Friday, April 22, 2005
At Night.. No Lights... (eewww)
S...T...E...V...E..N says:
omg...trying peeing at nigh with no lights and your a guy
S...T...E...V...E..N says:
lol...A distarter
Ѕамаитна [Mz_mE¤DoOBa][The Sooner You Go To Sleep.. The Sooner Tomorrow Comes..] says:
turn on the light
S...T...E...V...E..N says:
It hurts your eyes
Ѕамаитна [Mz_mE¤DoOBa][The Sooner You Go To Sleep.. The Sooner Tomorrow Comes..] says:
lol omg
S...T...E...V...E..N says:
At least you guys sit down, I have to freaking control ...lmao
S...T...E...V...E..N says:
AT NIGHT, NO LIGHTS
lolzzzz ok that was a lil convo from today... :S no point to it actually.. but i want comments!!! tell me what u think.. haha
im feelin normal again.. well as normal as i can be.. i woke up at 3pm =) finally what the holidays are meant for.. sleep... lol it was good.. i actually slept well.. but wakin up afta that was annoying
my dad pissed me off.. like always.. but hes getn more strict.. yesterday i kinda walked outa the house and go u cant control me anymore.. but it wasnt really walkin out.. coz i was goin 4 a walk with my sis.. with an hour limit.. omg how can ppl hav limits wen ur around ur neighbourhood? its 2 controlling.. arghh anywayz
atm i feel a bit better
i was just a bit weird coz of sumthin that changed.. wasnt big but yeh.. my net life = my private life.. my esacpe from the real world.. my net life met my real life.. shocked my system lolz.. i no thats stupid.. but most things in my real life r bad :S and my net life is good.. so i was afraid that this step over the line would also become bad.. but atm its ok..
im livin day by day again.. which keeps me sane.. thinkin bout the future is not a good thing to do.. brings too much worries and :S craziness
lmao in a convo with steven n david atm and cant stop laughin.. clowns haha
omgggg its my dads bday.. i 4gotttt omg omg omg... who cares.. lol its only me n nat here atm.. parents r out.. amandas at hungry jacks with diana.. yep cant concentrate..
BTW any1 readin this plz comment.. i wana no whos actually readin =)
omg...trying peeing at nigh with no lights and your a guy
S...T...E...V...E..N says:
lol...A distarter
Ѕамаитна [Mz_mE¤DoOBa][The Sooner You Go To Sleep.. The Sooner Tomorrow Comes..] says:
turn on the light
S...T...E...V...E..N says:
It hurts your eyes
Ѕамаитна [Mz_mE¤DoOBa][The Sooner You Go To Sleep.. The Sooner Tomorrow Comes..] says:
lol omg
S...T...E...V...E..N says:
At least you guys sit down, I have to freaking control ...lmao
S...T...E...V...E..N says:
AT NIGHT, NO LIGHTS
lolzzzz ok that was a lil convo from today... :S no point to it actually.. but i want comments!!! tell me what u think.. haha
im feelin normal again.. well as normal as i can be.. i woke up at 3pm =) finally what the holidays are meant for.. sleep... lol it was good.. i actually slept well.. but wakin up afta that was annoying
my dad pissed me off.. like always.. but hes getn more strict.. yesterday i kinda walked outa the house and go u cant control me anymore.. but it wasnt really walkin out.. coz i was goin 4 a walk with my sis.. with an hour limit.. omg how can ppl hav limits wen ur around ur neighbourhood? its 2 controlling.. arghh anywayz
atm i feel a bit better
i was just a bit weird coz of sumthin that changed.. wasnt big but yeh.. my net life = my private life.. my esacpe from the real world.. my net life met my real life.. shocked my system lolz.. i no thats stupid.. but most things in my real life r bad :S and my net life is good.. so i was afraid that this step over the line would also become bad.. but atm its ok..
im livin day by day again.. which keeps me sane.. thinkin bout the future is not a good thing to do.. brings too much worries and :S craziness
lmao in a convo with steven n david atm and cant stop laughin.. clowns haha
omgggg its my dads bday.. i 4gotttt omg omg omg... who cares.. lol its only me n nat here atm.. parents r out.. amandas at hungry jacks with diana.. yep cant concentrate..
BTW any1 readin this plz comment.. i wana no whos actually readin =)
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
obliterated life
soo.. obliterate = delete, which is wat i have done to the last two blog entries.. i felt that its stuff that was really stupid and that wasnt real.. i was just crazy at the time when i wrote them..
today went over my grandmas house for the whole day.. nuthin to exciting..
didnt have enough sleep.. u no how wen u sleep if ur normal.. ur brains meant to sort out all ur problems..and ur meant to wake up feelin refreshed and more relaxed.. well somethings wrong with me coz my brain didnt do anythin.. i just kept waking up.. i think my brains in overload and cant sort out all my problems.. and i cant relax.. i duno wat to do.. i used to relax by taking long showers and havin music up full blast.. but my stupid bathroom doesnt have a power point for me to listen to anything.. its driving me crazy..
every holidays i feel shit.. my feelings become amplified.. and more things seem to worry me.. i deal with that with the thought of goin back to skool.. but now i dont even wana go to skool.. im so not looking forward to skool.. i dont wana face hw, assignments, exam results, frends.. anything :S im really hating it..
another way i would relax was talk to my frends.. but now i dont even no whats going on.. i feel really lost and confused and need help..
i breathe and breathe tryin to push that lump back down my throat and get rid of that feeling.. but it rises and my eyes fill up with tears and i have to wipe them coz if any1 sees me i duno wat id do..
arghh im soo moody these days. i wana be happy.. i spent 10 minutes staring into the mirror trying to smile.. so my parents dont realise that i spent nearly half an hour in the bathroom crying.. it didnt work.. walked downstairs sat down tears came back.. hid my face by going into the kitchen pretendin to get icecream..
it feels like i have no1 to talk to.. but i no that i have a million ppl out there to talk to.. my frends.. but i feel like im goin crazy.. my brain is split in half.. half of it is sayin talk to someone.. the other dont.. shutup.. relax.. breathe.. tears..
arghhhhhh anyone no any good ways which i can help relax..? and get rid of my worries without worrying other people..?
today went over my grandmas house for the whole day.. nuthin to exciting..
didnt have enough sleep.. u no how wen u sleep if ur normal.. ur brains meant to sort out all ur problems..and ur meant to wake up feelin refreshed and more relaxed.. well somethings wrong with me coz my brain didnt do anythin.. i just kept waking up.. i think my brains in overload and cant sort out all my problems.. and i cant relax.. i duno wat to do.. i used to relax by taking long showers and havin music up full blast.. but my stupid bathroom doesnt have a power point for me to listen to anything.. its driving me crazy..
every holidays i feel shit.. my feelings become amplified.. and more things seem to worry me.. i deal with that with the thought of goin back to skool.. but now i dont even wana go to skool.. im so not looking forward to skool.. i dont wana face hw, assignments, exam results, frends.. anything :S im really hating it..
another way i would relax was talk to my frends.. but now i dont even no whats going on.. i feel really lost and confused and need help..
i breathe and breathe tryin to push that lump back down my throat and get rid of that feeling.. but it rises and my eyes fill up with tears and i have to wipe them coz if any1 sees me i duno wat id do..
arghh im soo moody these days. i wana be happy.. i spent 10 minutes staring into the mirror trying to smile.. so my parents dont realise that i spent nearly half an hour in the bathroom crying.. it didnt work.. walked downstairs sat down tears came back.. hid my face by going into the kitchen pretendin to get icecream..
it feels like i have no1 to talk to.. but i no that i have a million ppl out there to talk to.. my frends.. but i feel like im goin crazy.. my brain is split in half.. half of it is sayin talk to someone.. the other dont.. shutup.. relax.. breathe.. tears..
arghhhhhh anyone no any good ways which i can help relax..? and get rid of my worries without worrying other people..?
Monday, April 18, 2005
Bring It On
today was the "Bring it on - Youth Festival" - at fairfield showgrounds.. kathryn and bec slept over last nite.. this mornin we piked up diana n went 2 the youth fest. walked around 4 ages.. omg i got a henna tat on my hand.. of a butterfly..its cute =) and then i got this lil turtle airbrushed on my right wrist hehe.. we went stockies ate at maccas... met up with net frend.. hmmz wat else.. i duno
right now im really bored n annoyed.. my computer is goin so slow :s and i think its coz my nets capped.. afta a certain amount of dl.. it gets slower.. omg and weve dl like 1GB in 1-2 weeks :S omg lol
hmmz and hardly any1 is online... amyyy i wanted 2 tell u sumthin.. oh wellz it wasnt really important just wanted 2 tell u wat happend 2day.. but still where r u???? omg and my cuzn thinks i like this guy :S but i duno and yeh arghh lol so confusing
anywayz im just really bored and wana waste time till i get sleepy
atm im really really tired and sore and broken and moody and whingy and i need to shutup
ok bye
right now im really bored n annoyed.. my computer is goin so slow :s and i think its coz my nets capped.. afta a certain amount of dl.. it gets slower.. omg and weve dl like 1GB in 1-2 weeks :S omg lol
hmmz and hardly any1 is online... amyyy i wanted 2 tell u sumthin.. oh wellz it wasnt really important just wanted 2 tell u wat happend 2day.. but still where r u???? omg and my cuzn thinks i like this guy :S but i duno and yeh arghh lol so confusing
anywayz im just really bored and wana waste time till i get sleepy
atm im really really tired and sore and broken and moody and whingy and i need to shutup
ok bye
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Reflection of the past few days...
12-04-05: i piked up anna and we met glermo at livo watched a movie (the pacifier) .. then went 2 parra by train.. walked round.. tried on some formal dresses took pics bought tickets for miami bla bla.. after that caught another train to town hall but we 4got 2 get off so we ended up at milsons point.. so we went luna park.. thenn we caught a ferry to back circular key.. and then another ferry to manly.. went to manly beach and shopped.. and thennn took another ferry bak to circular key.. and caught a bus to george st.. and walked round.. walked all the way to cockel bay.. and walked all the way bak to george st.. ate.. and caught train bak 2 livo.. but on the way we had 2 stop coz some guy was tryin 2 kill himself on the tracks.. that was near ashfield.. lol and thennn we continued back to livo.. and caught a taxi to a street near annas house(not all the way coz were cheap) and then walked bak to her house... lol and that was the end of the day.. hehe we bought a day tripper for the day.. mine cost $15 and hers only $7.50 stupid concession :S lol makin me waste alot of money payin adult.. hehe anywayz.. throughout the day we took pics of every station we visited.. and plannin to make this a routine adventure every holidays.. any1 interested welcome to join :D hehe btw my mum thought i was gona go 2 livo and head back to annas.. and my dad thought i was sleepin over nonortas house with my sister.. lol
13-04-05: woke up at annas place... caught bus to livo.. and shopped till we literally dropped and were too tired to walk.. i had to buy a dress and jacket for miami that nite.. and anna bought shoes n stuff.. met my cuzin kathryn there and caught a train to fairfield so we could go 2 nonos house.. we got ready and left for miami.. (under 18s at King Toms Club edensor rd) omg miami was unforgettable.. so many people there.. good music.. i danced lolllzzz wat a funny image.. my dancin involves me jumpin up and down movin side to side and singin really loud and screaming.. it was me amanda kathryn nonorta nevada n her bf.. there.. and we saw heaps of ppl from skool.. like moe n my yr and lots of girls in yr 11.. yah.. anywayz throughout the nite we danced.. ooo and some guy fully grabbed my ass while i was dancin.. turned around n he ran lol.. hmmz nonorta started 2 dance with her frend.. 4got his name.. kathryn danced with this dude who tried 2 pik her up.. so i was nigel 4 awhile.. till the guy nono was dancin with.. his cuzin decided 2 dance with me.. we danced for like 2 minutes.. till his frends came and he went to talk 2 them.. and then wen he came back he fully grabbed me and started to dance really really close.. :S lol tried 2 feel me up ewww and he was so tall and coz im short my head was under his nose and i could hear him breathe and it was soo yukky.. omg he kept tryin 2 touch my boobs n ass so i kept grabbin his hands and like started to jump around so he would stop touchin lolz and he tried 2 pash me.. i musta looked like a freak.. (my sista later told me that my jumpin up n down didnt look 2 good to other ppl :S) eww lol.. i also found out that this guy is there like every time wearin the same clothes.. and hes the guy who tries 2 put his dick on u.. omg ewww :S luckily he got bored and left with these other girls.. haha after we got home.. we figured that this guy i danced with was the same guy kathryn was dancin with 1st who also tried 2 pash her.. and he wasnt nonos frends cuzin.. they switched wen he went to talk 2 his frends.. arghh i was dancin with a stranger hehe... oh wellz.. it was still fun.. and crazy a nite ill never forget.. :D all the time we were there my dad thought we were at nonortas house.. my mum picked us up and we nearly got caught.. coz my dad called me and amanda n weboth hung up in his face.. we later found out he was callin coz he wanted my mum 2 get him a kebab.. luckily my mum covered and said we were in nonos room playin music and playin with our fones.. hehe yeh wat a nite.. never forget it
14-04-5: yesterday me nonorta and kathryn woke up.. did nuthin all day.. and stayed in our pjs till kathryn went home.. we bummed and relaxed.. went on the net :P which was a good day.. i got to talk to alot of people i missed talkin 2.. and 4 some reason stevens pissed off at me lol like always.. anywayz yesterday was pretty boring except some of the convos i was in.. which made me feel good.. isnt it amazing how some people can say exactly the rite thing to make u smile?
15-04-05: today was another day at home.. i woke up with a dream fresh in my head.. which involved some guy askin me if ive ever put dettol on my face... *shrugs* lol who knows.. my brain is weird.. today nono went home.. wen her dad picked her up my mum asked if she was gona go youth festival (on sunday at fairfield showground from like 1-8 free entry anyone welcome its fun...) yeh and her dads like "no! a womans place is in the home" omg.. how rude.. hes exactly like my dad.. no wonder theyre cuzinz.. haha :S oh wellz with some convincin my mum made him change his mind.. so yeh.. cant wait till sunday.. had a few arguments with my sister today.. invovling who gets to go online in the nite.. she won like always :S oh wellz.. she'll learn one day.. hmmz and thats pretty much my day.. boring..
Friday, April 15, 2005
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