Roses

i duno how im feelin atm.. but i cant concentrate.. my minds distracted.. yesterday my cuzn told me that this guy named steven passed away from a car accident on friday.. he used to go to our school.. he was her xs good frend.. he had curly hair n was assyrian... do uze remember him? i think sheenal used to talk to him on her free periods.. its not like i knew him that well but im really shocked.. i talked to him a couple times when ma cuz n her bf were out or wateva.. its so weird.. i cant believe it. its so sad. and i duno wat to do.. i havent told anyone that hes passed coz i didnt no him and its not my place to tell everyone.. i think maybe sheenal should no coz she talked to him i think.. but i dont wana tell her till afta she finishes her exams.. i mean she didnt really no him but she talked to him more than i did and if im affected its probably gonna be worse for her :( i still dont know why i feel so affected by it.. i seriously cant cocentrate.. he was so young.. and hes gone?
"You dont see that we hurt
But still...
...I smile
The roses come to see me
And I can't wait for a sunny day
(Im seeing it through your eyes)
Can't wait for the clouds to break"
i keep tellin my self that a day will come where we can smile again.. i keep thinkin that after the hsc everything will be fine.. we'd be happy and everythin but i duno now somethin like this happens and its just a reminder that bad things happen all the time and we cant help them or stop them from happening.. why are humans one of the biggest and smartest creatures on earth but we cant do anythin about the pain that surrounds each of us.. we cant prevent bad things happening.. argh im just really annoyed about how the world works...RIP Steven..

arguments

hmmz.. today was a total waste.. woke up 2 disappointment that we werent going out 2day.. so spent all day watchin movies.. then around like 6 we went to visit my aunty.. she has my dress coz i wanted 2 fix the straps.. and she wouldnt let me take it home.. its a really long story but it has sumthin to do with my dad n blah blah n yeh its not even any of her business.. but still.. and i felt so shit coz i got really annoyed and i snapped out to her that 'its my dress i can do wateva i want' :S and thats wen shes like 'dont think im doin this 2 annoy u..' and started a whole guilt trip thing.. i feel so bad now but still.. my mum said dw coz shes always like that.. but it was so disrespectful of me.. she was just tryin to be nice.. afta that i went to my other aunties coz that aunty couldnt do the straps coz its a sorta awkward design and my other aunty would b better at shortinin it.. and my cuz whos like the best helps me alot with school stuff didnt ask me how the hsc was or anythin.. he began to say hows the hsc but stopped himself and said or ud rather not talk about it.. later when we were goin home i asked my mum like y he was like that n if she told him how i was n she goes she told him how im stressin and finding it really hard blah blah bullshit.. i mean omg she exaggerates and makes up stuff.. i didnt tell her maths was hard.. i said it was ok.. and that i didnt care coz i didnt study.. and she goes n tells every1 how hard maths was..and then i got into an argument bout how embarassing she can b at times by sayin stuff about me 2 complete randoms blah blah.. n then she started a whole guilt thing.. made me feel bad bout bringin it up..argh y r ppl like that.. they complain that ohh u neva talk to me.. ur like a stranger to me.. blah blah n then wen u tell them how ur feelin or try to clear the air they get all annoyin n stuff..
and omg im soooooo annoyed and disappointed over the stupidest thing.. i was so excited day light saving was startin.. coz i thought that if i wake up at 5am normal time.. wen daylight saving starts it would b 4am.. but nooo i was wrong.. it would actually be 6am that means im waking up later and losing time!!! im soo disappointed.. im losing an hour of my life and my whole systems gona go crazy.. im gona b so tired all the time and b like in this mood 4eva.. i hate being tired and sleepy i cant think and overthink...

5 down 2 to go

Biology was today and i totally stuffed it up.. i studied.. but it seemed like i studied all the wrong things.. there was alot of bullshitting involved.. i walked out at i think around 11-11:30 i cant remember the exact time. but i still feel really guilty about it.. and its not like if i stayed there id magically remember stuff.. i was finished and thats all i could write.. i got so bored at around 10:30-11 that i just wanted to stop writing and walk out.. i was so not in the mood.. and then we stayed back at the library to study 4 chem and that was sorta a waste.. we did study a bit.. but only 'a bit' omg im so upset atm i duno why but i am.. i think i maybe overtired.. i hate it when im in this mood.. i really wanna sleep but i dont wanna miss out on anythin..and i am extremely bored.. : *yawns and screams* i need socialisation.. to many exams is stressin me out and making me tired.. and i am really really really worried about chem.. i dont no anything.. im not gona learn anything.. and i will never no anything.. i really dont wanna do bad :( i cant b bothered to try.. im to lazy and tired and fed up with all the exams.. arghhh i hate them.. its to time consuming.. and ive got 2 weeks left! and only 2 exams. id rather they were on this monday and following tuesday so id never hav to sit and wait for an exam again.. : blehh total mind collapse.. save the last dance is on.. 1 of my fav movies and im not even watchin it coz if i go in my room ill fall asleep so i wasted my time.. wouldnt even get to watch the movie.. i cant keep my eyes open theyre gona start to burn.. : i need help..
*dizziness spins around falls to the ground, yells outloud, and talks to imaginary friend*
signs of insanity? maybe.. maybe not..
talking to urself is probably one..
bye byez
xoxo

yay formal dress =)

hmmz yesterday i went to parramatta with my mum, aunty and sis.. and my sis wanted to look at formal dresses.. and i bought 1! lol i really wanted to go shopping with every1.. but i couldnt leave it incase it wasnt there later on.. but ill still go shoppin with every1 coz i need shoes.. anyways its black.. the front is simple and straight cut.. the bodice has sorta silky/scrunchy material.. the back its sorta backless.. with a v shaped cut down to my ass.. but it has like thick stringy things across my back.. its long down to the floor... and at the back the material is a lil longer and sorta has a train.. its a cocktaily sorta dress... and i think i look really old and taller in it.. lol i hope i dont feel uncomfortable wearin it.. : its sorta revealing.. well not really but to me it is considerin the type of clothes i usually wear.. ohh and 1 bad thing about it is that i bought it from harts :( i 1st saw it in myer.. and i liked it.. and i kept lookin round n round and headed into harts when i saw it again and then i tried it on and then i really liked it so yeh i had to get it.. i cant wait till the formal.. and i still dont no who can do makeup.. and hair.. amy if ur sis is willing to come here then i wouldnt mind her doin makeup.. but im prob gona go get my hair done at a hairdresser..
ahh 2moros maths im meant to be studying :'( but i dont wanaaa. i hate mathssss.. im gona fail anywayz and im really annoyed that they dont show ur mark if its under 30.. and im gona hav this unknown result.. *waaaa* its so embarassing.. i no i should study but whats the point when its gona get kicked out?
im so hungry and got a headache.. ohh my aunty is rentin out this office space for her business in whethrill park in the industrial area.. any1 seen the bridal factory shops.. they have formal dresses in that block? its all the way down cowpasture road and u turn right at the huge roundabout n keep driving down... anywayz my dads been helpin her turn 1 large room into a few rooms.. been buildin walls n stuff.. and its sooo kool.. its painted blue with a sponge effect and it looks really cloudy and shes told me her design ideas and its gona b sooo pretty.. i wana work there after the hsc its gona b her showroom and stuff.. :) i hope she'd hire me..
lol i wana do so much after the hsc.. i duno wat im gona do 1st.. and i dont wana do everythin all at once coz then ill run outa things and watste my time..
my dads like washin his car.. but isnt there water restrictions still? oh well no1 tell on him and call the water restrictin patrol cars coz then he'll get in shit.. heehehehee
im growin so impatient i want the hsc to end rightt nowwwwwwwww.. lol legal on friday was good.. i was on BOS forum n ppl postin there answers for multiple choice and i think i got around 12/15 lol so im happy :D yay ok i better end this and go do sumthin.. maybe eat.. i duno.. sumthin anythin..

Q. Why is the alphabet in alphabetical order? A.The order is correlated with the lunar asterisms OR its just a coincidence.. OR that the alphabet came first and then the order came second.. comment ur ideas :) haha iwana c wat the best answer is.. and i wana no whos actually readin.. comment comment! even if i dont no who u r.. lolz :P i dont mind strangers readin my blog.. its ok.. haha
ANYHOO cya laterz... Samantha xoxox

I DONT KNOW :S

i duno why im blogging AGAIN.. but i am.. i need to keep busy.. im bored and i need to stimulise my mind.. am i happy? or am i overtired? i love rhetorical questions becoz they can be interpreted differently dependin on whos readin.. but only i when re-reading truely no how i was feeling at the time.. am i sad? am i confused? do i no where im gona be tomorow? am i confused about school? about my family? about my friends? my future? my tomorrow? my life? what am i doing and where am i going? do i feel as though im going crazy? am i worried? am i worried about my family? about my friends? about my life? about school? am i anxious? am i anxious to see what my future holds? about my future relationships with people? about my friends? am i scared? am i lost? ambivelant? depressed? mellow? cruisin? whats going on with my brain? r u gettin confused? do u no who i am? do u care about me? do u realise i exist? would u save me from myself? would u guide me through the world? would u look after me? am i regretful about my past? does my past bring horrible memories? memories that i enjoy? memories that make me happy? memories that will last forever? memories that have made me gain experiences? am i annoyed? am i annoyed at myself? at my family? at my life's situation? at my friends?
the answer to all these questions is I DONT KNOW.. these questions run through my mind 24/7.. i am constantly thinking.. i dont know what im thinking about and i dont know the answers to any of these questions. i wonder what kind of person i was and what person i have become.. "who i am, hates who ive been" or who i will become..i have been so lost and confused and this is how my life is. i am constantly in the ambivalent world.. not knowing whats to come. its not even a nice not knowing like a suprise.. this not knowing makes me anxious and my heart beats faster and i breathe heavier a lump forms at the back of my throat and i feel like crying. but then i dont becoz i no if i cry that i will be faced with alot more questions in my mind. id be questioned on the type of person i am.. and sometimes my brain isnt able to cope with all these thoughts.. and im scared to release my emotions in fear of new questions.. ones in which i have never faced before. a new unknown...

1 down.. 6 to go

i feel sick.. like im gona throw up.. not becoz of the hsc exams.. lol becoz i ate like a hamburger n chips.. and eww.. i feel gross.. to much oil..
anywayz yay english aos is now over :D only 6 more exams to go.. and i think the 1st ones always the hardest but then u get into the routine and the exams become less scary.. omg im like addicted to the bored of studies forum.. and im readin wat ppl thought of todays exam.. and some ppl wrote 1 and a half booklets.. 10 pages + omg.. i wrote like 3 and a half - section 1... 5 and a half - section 2.. and 4 and a half- section 3.. but my writing is small.. but still.. :(
anywayz yesterday i was so scared.. i hadnt studied.. and i had a really bad fever.. and my appendix hurt.. especially when i laughed.. and i laugh when im scared.. i become hysterical.. so yesterday i was in hysterics and in pain.. so very contradicting.. if thats the word.. its a paradox..
the exam was alright.. omg i cant wait till its all over.. i hate talkin about school all the time. its annoys me. and my room is so messy its not funny. i slept in amandas room last night coz of many reasons. 1. my bed is really uncomfortable lately 2.the light from outside it to bright. 3. my room is to messy 4. i was lonely :( lol na jokes about that..
yay its gona b over.. 'i am the master of disguise.. i am the master of disguise.. i am the master of disguise... ' hehe (master of disguise).. ohh i remember i watched step mum its sooo sweet and sad.. i like the quote about saying never.. never say never unless ur prepared to say never twice.. e.g ill neva neva forget u.. aww
my cuz is here.. hes 6.. he didnt go to school today coz he said hes sick.. hes wearin a spongebob t-shirt.. aww :D

язggаэтои Lатіио

Bailen, Yales
Muevan, Suden
Sientan el poder
del reggaeton latino
Bailen, Yales
Muevan, Suden
Sientan el poder
del reggaeton latino

ok i have no idea what those lyrics mean but im in luv with the song.. by Don Omar..
yeh. well today i did nuthing. as usual.. but it sorta finally hit me that my sisters start school on monday and im not going.. im sorta startin to freak out.. i havent studied at all.. and im fully serious.. not lying.. i dont know where my minds been lately but its as though i had fooled it into thinkin we have alot more than 9 days left till the hsc.. :S shit 9 days.. its so little when you see it written.. arghh *starts pullin hair out*

anywayz.. my 'holidays' have been boring. and weird. very weird. i have been very alone. maybe more than usual.. sorta isolated. the other night i sorta went very emotional and couldnt stop crying and i couldnt even remember why.. i think it was coz i read alot of my old entries and diary.. it was weird looking back on my life when it was only a few months ago. its really weird to see how much ive changed.. or how much ive learnt to cover my true identity.. at the beginning of last year i think i was secretive and very cautious about who i talked to about my problems and stuff.. slowly i got over that and began trusting people and would have looong conversations with people about my life and my issue...ive noticed recently that i have yet again changed.. ive become my old self again.. very cautious about who i talk to and what i talk about.. i think its probably because i dont want people to care. or overcare. or worry.. it makes me feel bad and very selfish. i hated talking to people because it would seem thats all i did.. - talk about my problems, talk about me, me.. me.. me.. i didnt like that.. i felt so selfish and self absorbed. well not really. not at the time.. now that i look back on it thats how i felt i WAS acting.. now that im more cautious and more.. happy.. if thats the word.. its as though a few people dont talk to me how they used to.. dont get me wrong my friends are beautiful and i love them.. its just other people who arent around me that often.. people i see once in awhile or talk to not so often..they seem to only talk to me when i have problems. maybe im not interesting when i dont wana talk about my issues. i mean its still me.. its just that im more sensored. and its not because i dont like you or because im ignoring you or i feel weird around you.. its just that im trying to change. i wana listen more to other people and quit talking about myself... these holidays are annoying me.. ive had to much time to think and as you can tell gone a lil crazy.. overthinking.. contemplating (my new fav word.. doesnt it sound smart? :D) yah..

anywayz another thing i wana talk or 'bitch' about.. its mostly about secrets and trust and stuff.. when im told a secret and told by the person to keep it to myself i keep it with me forever.. if a person tells me something that i feel should be kept a secret or i would want to keep it a secret then i also keep it.. but if someone tells me something about someone else.. i dont always repeat it but i do sometimes keep it to myself.but theres less emphasis on keeping something like that a secret.. ok now thats established.. what happens if someone tells you a secret and you agree to keep it secret.. you may not be that close as friends.. but yeh.. then the next day someone whos a lil closer to you goes to you 'guess what! blah blah blah and repeats the supposed 'secret'.. after u tell that person 'yeh i already knew'.. they get all annoyed u didnt tell them coz they r probably closer friends.. ok so what do you do. becoz it was a secret i wouldnt talk to that person about what i know and just listen to what they know and continue keeping it a secret.. but if that person found out through another person and not the secret teller itself.. would u tell the secret teller that ur frend found out from someone else.. or would u keep that too a secret? woah if anyone understood that i would appreciate your opinions.. if you didnt dont worry i didnt either :D

yah anywayz im really bored and killin time till im sleepy.. bye byez [1:01am]
xoxo samantha

...::: аятіfісіаℓ нарріиєѕѕ :::...

omg does any1 wana go see the merchants of bollywood. or is anyone already goin so i can go with uze.. i wonder how much it costs.. i would luv to go see it.. im startin to really like that whole indian feel to things.. is ashwaria ray (spell check) or wateva her name in it? there was a girl who looked like her..

соиfєѕѕіоиѕ оf а тєєиаgє dяама qчєєи

ok..the title of this blog is a tad dramatic.. but i wanted to make it interesting.. and i liked the movie.. its like a new beginning of my life is about to arrive.. as i close a chapter in my life it allows a new clean start.. i was inspired after reading i think it was akanshas site to make a similar 'sorry' page thingo.. its sorta hard for me and i guess for anyone to apologise for what they've done coz it involves you admitting that you have made mistakes or done somethin bad enough to apologise for it.. its sorta embarassing too because i may apologise for something that noone noticed.. which makes another problem and a cause for another apology..
Quote: 'im sorry for telling every1 u had diorehha and laughing and im sorry for just mentioning it again' (mean girls) duno the exact words but that one apology caused a reaction of many other apologies and im scared that if i apologise for one small tiny thing it will create the need for another and another..
maybe i should provide a disclaimer.. it is up to the individuals own discretion to further read..and if you do not want to accept the apology or you feel there was no need for the apology or if u once believed the situation did not exist.. then ignore.. hehe
hmmz where do i start.. so many people..ok maybe my family.. and then friends and net friends and other ppl...
mum.. sorry for not listenin to u, for yelling at u, for not helpin around the house more.. sorry for disappointing u..
dad.. sorry we dont get along.. sorry i hate u.. i dont.. i cant hate anyone hate it too strong of a word.. sorry i dont like u.. i dont.. 'i dont like u' is still too strong for me. im just sorry we arent able to sit in the same room for more then 2 mintues..
sisters. sorry for getting annoying and bossy.. i dont mean it im just tryin 2 look after uz.. sorry for bein overprotective at times.. its just me tryin to look out over uze..
nonorta.. sorry for gettin 'snappy' at u at times.. u annoy me greatly.. and im sorry im not able to tell u in words face to face exactly how i feel.. im sorry im not strong enough to tell u off for upsetting me.. im sorry i let u walk all over me.. im really sorry i let it get this far that even the smallest things u do can piss me off.. its just that uve hurt me in so many ways that i cant take it anymore.. im really sorry that because of this great annoyance i feel at times im not able to share that friendship we once had.. im sorry that u can probably feel this awkwardness i feel.. which causes u to dislike me and giv me those 'looks'.. i really sorry..
cuzinz.. sorry for not getting to no alot of you as much as i should have. im sorry that im not able to talk to a few of the older ones coz i feel intimidated by them making me shy.. im sorry im not a guy to go pick up chicks and go cruising with uz.. im sorry that u feel that u hav to be overprotective with me..
amy.. im so sorry that at times when i no u needed someone to talk to i didnt have the right words to talk to you.. im sorry that sometimes im not able to entertain you enough or to make you feel better.. im sorry that there are some things that you are not able to share with me.. i understand its private.. but i feel so bad that you hav to deal with things which can affect u at times..
prameeta.. im sorry that at times im not able to relate to you situations at home n stuff.. i just dont understand how someone can be so good.. but im glad that u do wat u do stayin true to yourself.. im sorry that i dont show u how much i like u :D i really do appreciate you friendship its just that i may not be as touchy or sensitive as you are.. im not able to express my thanks for all the times youve helped me i really do appreciate it and ill forever be greatful..
sheenal.. im so sorry that i never got to know you as well as i could have.. i guess we were beginning to get closer.. but im sorry i didnt get to see ur other side.. and maybe share a few more moments.. but its not over.. ill try as hard as i can to keep in contact coz ur a great friend i wouldnt wana lose..
steven.l.. im sorry that im stupid and that i can annoy u alot.. and im sorry for constantly telling u how overprotective u r over ur sister.. as a friend maybe i should try to see ur side of it other than taking ur sisters side.. im sorry that i dont tell u that ur hot and sexy like evry1 else.. hehe its just my inability to joke around just in case other people think im serious.. im sorry for being gullable and worrying what other people think of me..
chloe.. im sorry that awhile ago i had this major feeling that u didnt like me.. i dont no if it was true and i dont no if it still is true but im really sorry coz after i began to feel that my defenses came up and i started backing off.. im sorry that i didnt allow our friendship to grow
shelly.. im sorry that at times i would talk about u to other people about my growing concern that you were shoving people off and not allowing friendships to grow. im sorry i never tried to do anything about that..im sorry that you were never able to talk to me about anything.. and im really sorry for not even trying in the first place..
eunice.. im soo sorry that i was never able to get to know you better.. i can tell that you are a wonderful person.. and i wish that i had taken the time to talk to you a little longer..maybe even an extra few minutes to each conversation may hav made our friendship even stronger..
akansha.. im so sorry that at times i wasnt able to comfort you. im sorry that sometimes i knew something was wrong but i intentionally ignored it coz i didnt no wat to say.. im not too good with words.. im really sorry..
pamela.. im sorry that our friendship slipped over the years.. we were once great friends.. im sorry that you felt i had changed too much for us to remain close.. im sorry i wasnt able to tell you some things in my life but i felt you wouldnt be able to relate to me..
anna.. im sorry that you probably think im weird at times.. im sorry that the times you spent at our school before you left you felt you wernt able to trust anyone.. im also sorry that i think in yr 8 i broke the string off one of ur tops.. i still feel bad about that..
guillermo.. im sorry that i didnt get to know you at school as much as i could have.. im sorry for being weird and u giving me those weird looks..(every1 noes the msn emoticon.. the guil look.. *raises eyebrow*) sorry that its sometimes weird to talk to me..
michael.. im sorry that i did something to make u hate me.. im sorry that u felt u have to lie and tell people u dont remember me.. did i hurt u that much? im sorry that wat we had wasnt that great.. im sorry that i dont regret it though and that ill never forget u..
phillip.. im sorry that i wasted my time with u.. im sorry that i dont talk to you anymore.. im sorry that u lie to other people.. and try and flirt with my cuzin and use me to get to her.. im sorry that i liked u at one time..
belinda. im sorry that i didnt keep in contact as well as i should have.. we always plan to go out or meet up.. but it never seems to happen..im sorry that while u were at our skool our group would tease u.. i really cant remember y.. but im sorry..
moe... im sorry that i cant show how much i appreciate the friendship u have given me.. im sorry for making things awkward at times.. im sorry for being confused all the time.. im sorry that im not able to help u wen u need someone to talk to.. like ive said previously im not good with words.. im sorry i have burdend u with so much and yet u dont even complain.. im sorry that im not able to psychologise u and give u advice as well as u have given me.. im so sorry but i hope u no that u hav gained a frend from me for life no matter what..ill be ther 4 u
im sorry for anyone i have forgotten to apologise to.. im sorry for having reasons to apoloise.. i no that simply apologsing wont make me a better person.. but i hope it will help me realise what ican change to become a better person and someone that people can trust..
Friendship is like peeing in your pants.. everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth of it. thank u for being the pee in my pants..
yah... lol its 11:04pm. took me an hour to write this up...

lol one last thing.. im sorry this entry was sooo long.. =)

рℓєаѕє ряотєст мє

its 1:22am.. monday oct 2005.. or really late sunday nite.. its late. im tired. im bored. i feel sick. i feel like crying.

edit: http://spaces.msn.com/members/mzme/PersonalSpace.aspx?owner=1 <--my space

Hmmz...

its funny how u can b some1s frend but not no them.. and not know some1 but actually be their frend n b really close.. im sittn here thinkn about all the friendships ive had with all different ppl.. short and long friendships.. ppl who i talked 2 only once but still remember the conversations. people on the net who enlightened me with small words. or really long conversations but when faced the person in a real life situation only shared a few words. its weird how some ppl r able to communicate so thoroughly through words rather than voice. and others are only able to express their thoughts through voice and conversation, through hand gestures and facial expressions. sometimes im able to think what i want to say but find it difficult to express that feeling into words orally. but i am able to write it down
past seems to catch up to u alot.. my cuzn reminded me of some1.. and then i saw him.. havent seen him or talked 2 him in about a year now.. get a weird feeln in my tummy thinkn about it. sometimes its best not 2 remember the past. not think or dwell about the future and just live in the moment.its the best way to live. but it leaves u stranded. especially wen i need 2 plan the future and think about my life. everytime i think about the need to studyin my tummy flips and i feel awful.. really sad.. i hav no idea y.. its the worst feelin.. :( i cant explain it.. maybe its one of those times when u need to c my facial expression 2 understand what im trying to say...

To Be Determined...

omg im bored.. we're in English in the library meant to be doin some of our essays.. but i cant b bothered.. im so tired.. my back hurts and i got electricuted! :S arghh i feel like screaming.. we only got a few more days left of school. waa :'( *cries*
aww amys reminiscing about the past.. which makes me wonder about the past 2.. i miss things.. in english b4.. we were talking about if u would trade in a memory to make a new memory.. i wouldnt.. amy said she probably would.. but i cant give in memories.. memories are your life.. im soo afraid to lose memories.. so everyday of this week and our last few moments of school.. ive been trying to capture them.. taking my video cameras.. and digital cam.. takin pics and making memories. its really sad.. gona miss everyone
omg ms roberts is sooo sweet.. she made us little cards and things.. with pictures and our class names.. with like a long mesage.. its so sweet.. i wana get teachers n pplz stuff but i cbf coz i dont like organising things and then ppl backing out of it.. i dont wana do anythin anymore.. its sorta a waste of time..
my hands gettin tired.. ill edit later my english is really bad.. :( not feelin good.. im broken.. my brain isnt connected today..
byes

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once said :~

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once said: A man can stand anything except a succession of ordinary days.
so its like 11:03pm. tuesday. i got home from livo 2day n went to sleep until about 9 or sumthin. i was so tired n really really bored. Johann Wolfgand was so write wen he said ppl can live with anythin except a million normal boring days over n over. u run outa things to do. i dont really no wat to do with myself. i hate it wen i have extra time i start to think and wonder and overthink and bitch n complain moan whinge go crazy. its not healthy.. watched 'Wedding Crashers" today. it was good. OMG i cant get over the fact we walked into the wrong movie. thats soooo funny. were so stupid lolz.. 'how long is the movie?' 'i duno.. hmmz from 12:40 to 3:00.. thats like 2 hours 20 minutes', 'wat cinema..?' 'cinema 9' ... walk into cinema 9.. rite movie rite cinema.. wat time was it? 1:40.. lmao got the wrong ticket. i cant believe it was so funny.. 'ys the movie like half way? were only 10 min late.. ' hahaha anywayz.. the movie was funny.. laughed alot which was good after a bad day of maths results.. shitness.. omg n my movie 'tea with mussonlin'.. its been discontinued. y do i always get the crap stuff.. can i get a misadventure for my english exam mark. its not my fault i had to make up stuff for the essay. the movie doesnt even exist anymore.
i hate school sooo much. i hate getting our results. i hate thinking about how im gona miss everything. i hate how everything is the last of. im trying to take mental pictures of it. but my brain capacity isnt large enough to remember moments. the moments r gona b gone :( argh.. to much time to wonder bout the future. i hate thinking about the next day. i hate not knowing. i hate everything but its ironic how the things i hate are gona be the things i miss the most.
i duno wat to do with myself. i havent been goin on the net much anymore. i have no social life outside of skool coz most of them ppl dont talk 2 me or ive totally started ignoring ppl. i feel so mean. my cuz came up 2 me n said hi.. blah blah. n i didnt even say hi. i wrote 'k' n thats it.. lolz. im really annoyed at myself coz thats really mean. i wasnt in the mood to talk to anyone. n i havent been in ages. everytime i c ppl on the net i ignore most n dont go up 2 them or im busy playn games. yay im lvl 84 in RO now. as soon as i lvl up the server went down :( i wanted to go up 1 more lvl but sumthin stopped me. its a sign i wasnt meant to lvl up again im not sure y.. but yeh i wasnt,
im sorta hyped up coz i slept already and im not really tired. but i no i need to sleep now so i can wake up 2moro. but i cant sleep. so i dont no wat to do. thats y i came online. n now im online i got nuthin 2 do. so wat was the point? lalallalaa boredom..
very long boring blog..
gona go maybe sleep.. duno yet
nite nite [L]uv] ~ SamZ

а fєш іиѕріяатіоиаℓ шояdѕ

Ayn Rand once said: "Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours."

yay i cant believe i finally finished the trials. last exam was business.. i had two days off so i could study. But as usual i didnt study.. Last night i began to stress.. got distracted didnt study.. woke up this morning.. running late.. early for the bus just so i didnt miss it.. OMG guess who was on the bus? SHIVASHREE haha remember her? well i didnt.. i was walkin off the bus and she was lookn at me. and i said hi. walked off.. then after all that i realised who it was hehe i feel bad.. she looks the same and i didnt recognise her. oh wellz :P anywayz business was fine.. i guess it was ok.. i didnt write that much. THANK YOU PRAMEETA lol for the lift i owe u heaps. :D

Anywayz im home.. playn checkers like the old times with my old neighbour haha.. its so weird.. Its one of my aunties bdays 2day. I ate chips n chocolate :S relaxation = junkation hehe gona be so unhealthy

On tuesday goin livo. any1 wana join. welcome. afta skool around 12... watch a movie or sumthin

Bored As[S] betta be off.. bye byez

тнє тіdє тнат ℓєfт аиd иєvєя самє ъаск

Hansel said to Gretel. “Let us drop these breadcrumbs, so together we can find our way home. Because losing our way would be the most cruellest of things”. This year got lost on my way and losing your way on a journey isn’t fortunate, but losing your reason on the journey is a fate more cruel. The journey lasted 8 months, sometimes I travelled around, sometimes there were others who took the wheel and took my heart. But when the destination was reached it wasn’t me who arrived. It wasn’t me at all and once you lose yourself you have two choices. Find the person you used to be or lose that person completely. Because sometimes you have to step outside the person you have been and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you wanted to be, the person you are.

Routine

HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY AMY (for yesterday) hope u had a marvelous exciting day and i hope u made it memorable. you only eva hav a 18th bday once.

i really didnt wana start bloggin again.. but i feel as though i have to. i need to talk.. i havent had a proper conversation with anyone in a really long time. i feel really lost, distracted, confused, withdrawn. people talk to me and i talk to them. but im just standing there. u no wat i mean? just standing and watching and nodding and smiling. do i even no wat im saying? no. i just stand and nod and say yeh uhuh agreeing.. even when im in discussions they are never deep.
why has my life been overtaken by skool? why do i feel every moment is taken up by work? why do i feel like this? am i doing it on purpose? i think i am. avoiding reality. concentrating on avoiding life. but by doing so it doesnt mean im gona become super smart or sumthing. ive bearly had time to study. thinking and concentrating on not thinking is hard and tiring work.
it feels as though every1 i considered a frend has changed.. (excluding most skool frends).. but i mean people who were my frends on the outside. in my life. im not sure if they were my 'frends' or just people. but if they were my frends why do they avoid me or ignore me. or only talk 2 me when they need somthing.. my cuzn hasnt called me in ages.. she hasnt bothered.. but she went n asked my sista 2 ask me 2 borrow a dress.. without talking 2 me.. n i let her... i duno y i gota b nice
the trials bring out the true insides of some people. its so horrible. how nasty n mean people can get. its like they r in the wild. and they r starving. and theres only 1 apple left. n they all fite over it to get it. people would pretend to share it but they give u the rotten core of it.. i duno if it makes me up myself but i would think in that situation i am nice. i would give up my share to someone who needed it more. is it wrong to think im nice? maybe nicer than some other people? argh i duno
some people say i am too nice. and it mite be true. if someones mean 2 me. i cannot tell them 2 there face. i neva stoop to their level. i would neva do wat they did 2 me. i often get used and i get hurt, but wat am i meant 2 do. atleast there r a few people who look out for me. but im not sure that those people really exist.
atm im really really confused. i havent had enough time to stop n think and cry. even though i cry alot. i havent let out my feelings. i sit here and watch life walk past me. watch people grow and change and drift. while i stay and watch and observe. will i grow and evolve to? when is it my turn to change? or have i already started to? maybe its me whos been changing while every1 around me is still?...
*sigh* *yawn**scream* im meant to be studying for legal now.. but i dont want to. i did horrible the past few exams.. im really annoyed at myself for not studying for advanced english paper. why am i so nice? why do i worry about my sisters? fuckn hate yr 8 4 bein bitches 2 my sista. i cant believe i care so much about her. omg what am i doing? am i blaming my love for my sista for doing bad in english? arghh c y i hate blogging... im a bitch :S i guess its not just blogging coz they r my thoughts n feelings.. but yeh.. its not true if u dont say it.
sometimes its easier to see what you want than to search for the truth.

аитірнои

this is my antiphon.. well not relly.. its just givin me sumthin 2 do.. plus i wanted to write down a list of things i wana do in the holidays and i couldnt think of a place to put them.. i really wonder who will be the first person to realise i blogged again.. any1.. even anonymous ppl.. comment or tell me if youve read it.. anywayz.. my list..

• learn a new language.. either spanish indian chinese or arabic..
• do all my assignments and catch up
• eat a banana flavoured gelato - done (had watermelon instead.. its really hard to find banana flavour)
• stay up one night and see the sunrise
• play a new game - done (this assyrian card game)
• buy a plant
• buy a gift for someone - done (anthonys $$ pressie.. even though its money still a gift..isnt it?)
• cook dinner/lunch - done (sorta.. made lasagne)
• meet someone new - done (met alot of ppl.. lawrences n anthonys parties..)
• go out to a new area - done (adventures with anna)
• take a photo of scenery - done (sydney harbour bridge, luna park, trees.. millions of pics)
• do a nice thing for someone getting a 'thankyou' in return - done (im pretty sure ive done this even if there is no precise moment)
• stay out one night - done (adventures with anna)
• dont listen 2 any songs for 1 whole day (24 hours) DOUBT THIS WILL EVER BE ACHIEVED EVEN THROUGH THE TIMESPAN OF MY WHOLE LIFE
• find a new career path
• get a hobby
• learn a new talent
• play a sport
• write a list - done (does this count as a list? if not i wrote a shopping list)
• use a 'smart' 'big' word atleast once a day - partially done
• drive every single day - sorta done (havent driven in awhile.. but will start again soon)
• have a -heart - to - heart- with someone
• prank someone
• scream for no reason
• draw or paint a picture or a design - done
• scan something - done
• learn to breathe and meditate
• go bowling ten pin or lawn bowls

cant think of anythin else.. dad here gota go

вџє вџє

my last blog.. bloggin makes me self-obsessed coz its a place just about me.. i dont wana b selfish no more.. im not blogging anymore.. it creates to many problems.. bye bye
p.s sistas bday 2moro.. happy bday nat

іиѕомиіа

Me and Anna made a site...

Insomnia - Chronic inability to fall asleep or remain asleep for an adequate length of time
There can be physical causes for insomnia, like medications you're taking, thyroid problems, hormonal imbalances, etc. It can also be related to depression. Or it may just be what is called "psychophysiological" insomnia, also called "learned" or "conditioned" insomnia. This happens when a life stress causes a few nights of poor sleep, but then the poor sleep is perpetuated by worry over not sleeping. In this case, behavioral modifications are most helpful in breaking the cycle of worry and anxiety. Whatever the cause, you shouldn't go it alone

• Going to bed and getting up at the same time every day -
• Eliminating caffeine and nicotine and limiting alcohol consumption -
• No reading or watching T.V. in bed (so you only associate the bed with sleep) -
• No clock-watching in the bedroom (helps tremendously with anxiety) -
• Developing and following a good pre-sleep routine every night (taking a hot bath, reading, listening to music, or whatever helps to relax you) -
• Moving to another room when you can't sleep to read or do some other relaxing activity, returning to bed only when sleepy (again, to associate the bed with sleep instead of tossing and turning) -
• Stopping negative sleep thoughts and replacing them with positive ones

lolz.. mite b wats wrong with me.. but theres many things wrong with me =D i think im just overly tired.. bored.. have to much time.. and make up diseases that i dont have.. but i really cant sleep.. had 3-4 hours sleep last nite.. and eyes r burnin now.. *yawning is meant to be pleasurable..* (quote provided by Ms Roberts.. Bio) haha i cant concentrate anymore.. im brain dead.. i tried to do hw.. but couldnt.. and i keep thinkn bout some1 i shouldnt be.. arghh cant get it outa my head.. and im not the type to obsess.. (eyes look up n down round n round.. *innocent*) haha.. i dont wana feel like this but i do.. how do u stop likin some1??? help! yeh anywayz.. ive had plenty of time to think of everythin in the world.. y are chairs called chairs? wat is a chair? who named the chair? is it a hair with a c? hmmz goin crazy.. i need a psychiatrist.. any1 wana offer there free services... lol

anywayz much luv.. samantha xoxoxo

і саяє авочт џоч

Bootiful lyrics by Babyface.. luvn songs u can relate to.. hehe =)

Sometimes I feel so alone
I call your heart
But there's no one at home
Taking a toll on my pride
I'm reaching out
But there's no one inside
It doesn't feel right, when I look in your eyes
I know love is blind, but the heart doesn't lie
I'll ask one more time, maybe this time you'll try
So tell me girl what's deep in your heart
Girl I care 'bout youI'm there for you
So why don't you care for me
Like I care 'bout you

awww how sweet.. ='( *sob* lol
atm my brain not workin.. today long day.. cleaned alot.. died on RO.. go to amy for screenshot.. haha
wanted to go livo.. not allowed.. bex and bea came over.. diana.. yeh... net nuthin.. chat.. soon sleep
bye bye