Nervous..

next week i start uni and i turn 18.. and its kinda scary.. its a big change.. and im not even prepared yet.. im not sure how im gona get there anymore.. i went 2 orientation day yesterday.. and i dont like my uni.. :( its deserted.. it looks really quiet.. and its sorta nowhere near parra.. its near rosehill or somethin.. near ryde.. :S and i did not see a train station anywhere near it.. oh wellz.. ill prob get my mum 2 take me a few times till i figure it out.. atm im tryin 2 format my comp.. but that means i gota backup EVERYTHIN.. especially songs.. coz no way am i gona delete my hardwork and time downloadin them all.. atm ive done programs, documents and pictures.. but ii only hav about 7 cd-rws left.. so igota go buy more.. ive got cd-rs but i dont wana use them coz i wont b able 2 delete them or wateva.. and it gets 2 confusing.. and after i eventually burn everythin.. i gota get the courage to format.. im scared that when i format.. and when i put all my stuff back on.. i had forgotten 2 burn somethin important.. and it would b gone forever.. and what if i cant format.. and i wasted ALL this time backing it all up.. argh i hate computers.. their sooo annoying.. i wish some1 could do this 4 me..

the one where i didnt know how 2 turn thoughts into words...

my mind is racing, and im feeling so much.. its so overwhelming that i just want 2 cry and let it all out.. except i dont know the reason.. im just wastin my days.. doin nothing.. yesterday we went for dinner with a these 2 families at marconi club.. and we took the kids to the game room.. its like galaxy world or sumthin.. and they were looking for staff.. so finally gettin the nerve 2 ask some1 for an application i got 1.. and i really wana apply for it coz just imagine how fun it would b.. i asked my mum and she said ok but i had 2 ask my dad.. and of course he said no.. he said that people who work dont study.. like omg wat an idiot.. argh i just hate it. he doesnt want me 2 be independant.. he does that 2 every1 in my family. as soon as some1 wants 2 do somethin benefiting themselves he always says no. arghhh the frustration and annoyance! its becommin unbearable.. the confusion is drivin me crazy.. and the complete boredom as im always doing nothing isnt helping.. i tried keeping busy, doing puzzles, reading, playing games, watching movies.. but when does watching every episode of Friends, and reading the same novel 3 times enough? how is keeping busy ever gona 'keep me busy' if ive become bored with that as well.. :S i duno what to do.. and the whole uni thing, the timetable, units, electives.. like wtf does it all mean? im so confused.. and i dont even no if im enrolled coz the stupid table thing disappeared..! arghh how am i gona register 4 tutorials.. its so bloody confusing.. and i dont even no wat the hell ive actually been enrolled in.. me bein stupid didnt even pick any subjects/units/electives.. (i havent established what means what..) oh wellz.. if i was meant 2 be at uni then it should all work out somehow.. (hopefully)..
anywayz i guess another episode of one tree hill before i go 2 bed and read another really old childish book.. i gota go library or a bookstore.. all the books ive got at home r so old.. the last time i bought a novel 4 myself was prob in yr 6 book club lol.. yeh oh wellz..
goodnite and goodbye
Sam xoxo

the one where sam doesnt have a bday

hehe oh wellz.. there goes my plans for havin a bday party.. reasons being my dad wont let me.. this is what my mum told me.. and this is the 2nd time she asked.. i dont want any problems, and im really really tired of arguing.. and i no if i end up havin a bday party without him knowing as some of my cuzinz suggested, somthin will go wrong.. and its not good havng my mum lie for me.. its not fair for her.. so i guess im gona start acting mature, and act as my age and just let it go.. i mean if it was meant 2 happen it would have.. im not sayin im not pissed.. coz i really am.. but i just figured; i cant always be pissed off when i dont get my way.. coz then ill be known as the 'pissy' girl.. 2moro i gota get my money back from the bond.. hmmz cant think anymore.. i like that quote from my previous entry.. i guess im not gona think about the future.. and live in the moment.. which means i better get going.. wana wake up early enough 2 go 2 maccas 4 brekkie
luv Samz
xoxo

the one with the friends

so my days are spent watchin friends episodes.. watchin tv, computering, playn games, eating and sleeping.. HOW EXCITING! *rolls eyes*
Lucas on One Tree Hill once quoted someone, whos name i didnt catch.. and they said: Do not look back and grieve in the past for it is gone;and do not be troubled about the future for it has yet to come; live in the present and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering
ok.. thats where i will leave it for today.. short and sweet

problems

i have problems, and i dont think id ever be able to admit that in person. sometimes i really need to talk to someone but i cant becoz i worry what they will think of me. so instead i keep it in. lately ive been extremely moody and emotional and angry and all sorts of things. and i dont know what to do. i yell alot, i stress over everythin and just about cry at every little thing that could happen. my mouth keeps asking for help, but my brain doesnt know what it needs help with. i worry and stress about organisation. i need to know every detail if im gona go out, as soon as something goes wrong like if i start running late, i stress and cry, and take even longer. today i had a good cry about buying this ugly dress under pressure. i liked it, tryed it on, but new i didnt need a dress, and i still bought it. wore it to nevadas bday party 2nite.. felt so uncomfortable in it and i know ill never wear it again. and i cried becoz 1 of my cuzinz have been tellin his cuzinz about my party and been invitin all these people, some really young. and i cried coz i feel really guilty becoz i know i wasnt going to invite them. and i cry, and cry.. and i yell at my sisters. and then i feel so bad at yellin i cry some more. its like my whole body is confused, my brain is tryin 2 tell me sumthin but i dont get it, i become confused and i dont no wat to do. so i cry. im not the same person anymore. i used to b able to organise stuff.. work everythin out, write it down. but i cant. my grandma went into hospital the other day, and i didnt even make time to visit her, and i cried. i was so scared. shes out now, but she isnt that much better, and i still havent seen her yet.. im so scared about 2moro that i cry, every 2day looks at tomorrow with fear. i need someone to talk to, i really need someone to tell me its going to be ok.. i ask my mum to help me organise my party n stuff, but i get so frustraated becoz she doesnt get me. i know shes tryn to help, but i duno,.. i get so annoyed.. things with my dad arent any better, they just seem to get worse and worse.. i avoid talking to him as much as possible, but he goes out of his way to get me angry. he says completely stupid and rude things just to piss me off.. its unbearable.. he also goes out of his way to stop me from doin anythin.. make me feel guilty.. the other day i asked my mum if she could make me a sandwich... i neva eva ask her, but she had just made my dad around 5.. so i asked.. and he yelled at me so bad.. i was so pissed. called me lazy and said i didnt care about her.. i mean how stupid and hypocritical.. she had just made him a few sandwiches.. but its ok 4 him?? arghh
at nevadas bday 2day.. sittin bak n watchin.. i didnt fit in.. at all..the ppl all typical assyrians.. i didnt no how to act.. so i just walked around,, didnt talk much.. just sat there till the end.. i felt so uncomfortable.. watchin how the girls flirt with the guyz, and danced with them. and tickeled them and all that sorta stuff.. they all knew each other.. i didnt no any1.. arghh and my cuz said shell introduce me to ppl and stay with me and stuff.. but she wasnt around much.. n her introductions were her yellin out to me sayin 'sam thats blah' 'blah thats sam' and thats it.. argh i dont even no wat im talking about, i just need to let it out, i need to talk to someone.. its 1:30am though.. who the hell can i talk 2? arghh and i feel like cryin so much.. i dont even no why.. and 2moro when i think back to today or read this ill cringe.. i always do. it seems as though after days pass, i just 4get this.. until it happens again.. my life is a circle, and nothin ever gets solved.. its just like puttin a bandaid over the problem.. its hiding, its never really gone is it? and if it is ur left with a scar..

Someone Else..

lately, ive been someone else.. im me.. but im the other me.. the annoying 1.. the one who does stuff and acts in a weird way.. i guess its emotional me.. i cant believe but i started crying outa nowhere at my cuzinz house.. all becoz i didnt no if i wanted to go shopping or not.. omg! wata freak.. who cries over that.. i guess i was just really tired and a lil hungry.. like a baby..
oh that reminds me.. i found the perfect analagy (not sure if its the right word) to describe how i feel in life at the moment.. im like a baby.. a baby cant talk yet and noone can understand it.. it cries and cries and noone noes why, and no1 seems to understand whats wrong. thats how i feel.. as though no1 can understand me. and i guess that makes me frustrated..
so yeh i got into uni.. although its at a 'crap' uni.. im soo happy.. i dont care if its crap, got a bad rep, is ugly.. im just so happy that i got in.. im doin a bachelor of business (management) at Parramatta campus.. that was my first preference so yeh :) very happy.. i think they lowered the cut-off for that coz i was off by a few marks.. i thought id miss out n get my 2nd 1.. but yay now i can go parra westfields all the time.. hot guyz *wink wink* hehe
yeh.. anywayz im really tired.. *yawns*
bye bye
Samz xoxo

edit: i keep 4gettin 2 mention that im gona go watch a taping of 'wheel of fortune' next friday..
Looking for fun free things to do around Sydney?
Why not be part of the studio audience for one of Australia's most popular game shows.
Channel Seven offers travellers FREE tickets to the recording of Wheel of Fortune.
Tickets are free, but bookings are essential. To reserve your tickets please call 1800 24 7777.
Wheel of Fortune is filmed at the Channel Seven Studios, Mobbs Lane, Epping NSW.

so any1 interested.. goooo!! plz plz.. hehe and btw dont ask y im even going.. got no clue.. just saw the ad and decided to.. its a once in a lifetime thing
oh yeh i just remembered.. slept ova cuzinz place yesterday.. n she had this 1000 piece puzzle.. and now i really really feel like doin 1.. so i might go buy 1 2moro..

'supposed' ppl who 'care' about me.. *cough*bullshit*cough*

why are people dicks? im just so pissed off.. all the liars and people who hide stuff.. argh.. i mean y do ppl feel they have to lie to avoid sumthin.. like i was talkin to some1.. not mentionin names coz they mite read this.. anywayz this person went somewhere yesterday.. and they didnt tell me who they went with.. then i talked to the other person n she asked me what i did yesterday, i replied nuthin u? n she replied she went to the same place as the other person. but with 'skool friends' im like yeh i no that other person told me.. n she changed the subject.. then she started sayn how much fun it was.. n then i asked who else went with u? n shes goes ohh i gota go.. bye. bullshit.. it was only the 2 of u.. y not tell me?.. got a guilty conscience for not invitin me? its not like i care anywayz.. its just rude for people to pretend they r ur frend n wana do stuff with u.. when they neva do what u wana do n they dont invite u anywhere. only call when u need sumthin pftt neva again am i gona help... just pisses me off so much that i try! y? y do i try? its not like i need uze i dont need ppl like u.. argh.. fakers.. y fake it.. y do i constantly try to talk to people only to be replied rudely.. or without care.. thats a really big fault of mine.. trusting people and liking people who dont even consider me on their level.. thats another thing i hate! how people think they are above u.. or better than u.. :S i hate it.. make me feel so small.. people who say they r my frend and then i neva hear from them again, IM the 1 who has to start the conversation, invite people out.. I have to do EverythinG! :S it gets so annoying, only becoz some ppl start taking advantage of that.
arghhhh fuck life.. theres no point to it.. try livin day by day is the only option..
*screams* arghh i have so much to blog about.. been gettin really pissed off recently.. and really easily.. its just gettn so annoying.. my sister.. well.. every1 knows im the oldest.. ppl hav been telln me try n get closer to them, talk to them.. maybe theyll tell u stuff.. i try.. i play ro coz nat plays.. but shes so annoying.. and in a completely bad way.. its embarassing.. she plays ro.. and she goes on the forum.. and writes all this crap.. ok so yeh ppl need to express themselves.. thats y i blog.. but she writes all this crap on an open forum 4 every1 to read.. and then what she writes can reflect on me..and people think im the 'bad guy' 'i dont care' wateva.. lorenzo goes to me.. 'ohh ur sis loves the forum.. a lil 2 much..' omg.. every1 reads stuff.. and i have to put up with it.. and then i have to stick up 4 her when ppl say stuff.. arghh and she talks 2 amy and kathryn as if theyre her frends.. and everytime i walk past she closes the convo.. i mean ok.. so talk 2 them.. but y hide stuff from me.. she even had the nerve to say.. 'i dont think kathryn wants u 2 no'.. oh yeh wateva.. ill find out wateva it is later.. and she does it on purpose.. i try.. but she rejects me.. so wtf am i meant 2 do.. and if i say i dont care and i give up.. every1 else will say how im a bad sister n stuff..arghh so annoying.. y do i try? with my 'supposed' friends, 'cuzinz', even my 'sisters'... when all i get is rudeness and rejection.. i get ignored.. whyy????
arghh so people dont talk to me.. and when i give up trying.. ima bitch.. and a snob.. oh yeh my aunty frequently calls me a snob coz i dont come over.. i dont c her daughters comin over my place.. y should i try when no1 else does?
gettin more annoyed writin this.. so better stop..
oh yeh and my birthday is givin me the shits.. booked a place on the 4th march.. but my dad wont let me have it.. doesnt get what a birthday is.. sees it as a waste of money.. he never told me that.. coz my mum does all my talkin 4 me coz hed just yell at me.. but yeh.. ill prob will hav it.. but i dont wana organise it.. and every1 keeps puttin their input into the planning.. and its turnin into sumthin i dont want.. my cuzinz dont even want me havin it at the place i booked.. they had good reasons y.. but arghh i hate organising.. :S
oh and im invited to a party on sat.. i wana go n drink alcohol.. but my sister is invited 2.. and i cant act how i would normally act.. i cant talk 2 guys.. coz shed b there.. arghh i hate it.. its no fun havin a littler sister hangin around u.. even if she is only a year n a half younger.. and that makes it worse! every1 expects us to hang around each other n b 'friends'.. she gets 2 do everythin i do.. and its so unfair.. im older than her! and arghhh
oh yeh steven told me 2 blog about reminiscing stuff from school.. most of it was funny.. but the rest was embarassing.. remember the time when pamela threw his glasses in the puddle.. or the time belinda called him bookworm and they had the biggest fight in geography.. ok wateva.. not in mood reminiscing..
bleh... totally brain lag..
bye Samz

the internet is an alternate reality in which i have died.

so, as the title suggests.. i feel as though the internet is an alternate reality, in which i onced live in. recently i feel as though i dont belong. i dont come 'online' as often as i once did, i dont talk to any1, today i started to play ro again, but i feel as though i dont belong, and when amy left me coz she was tired, i felt lonely on the game lolz.. how sad.. I dont belong in that alternate reality i had once created for myself, my escape, my comfort zone. the people in it have also left, and i have been misplaced. my reality is now my life, but i fear that my reality is a waste of time. im not doing anything with it. i feel as though i have no purpose. i dont belong in reality. if i dont belong in my alternate reality, or my real reality of life.. where do i belong? i dont seem to fit in with people. i have lost who i am, who i was is not who i am today. i once was smart, a typical nerd.. well not typical - no glassed. i was happy. today i would be so happy if someone called me smart or a nerd. how i long to have a meaning, a description, even a stereotype if i have to. just as long as i know what i am. im not smart. my family dont get along with me. my dad still hates me. my sisters dont talk to me about anything. i think theyre scared of me. if they are scared of me does that define me as a scary person? is that what i am? my school friends are my good friends.. but as all people in the past have witnessed, high school friends rarely keep in contact. those that i have kept in contact with i think will remain my good friends for years to come, but there are those few who have slipped away. however i dont always fit in with my school friends.. im not as smart, as talented, have the same interests and likes, share many hobbies.. im not like any1 else.. my out of school friends, who are completely different people - different types of people, different group of people. are not my type of people.. i dont seem to fit in with them, they may be loud, i may be loud, but i cannot be loud around them. they are very social, i like to be social, but im not around them. im quiet. so if i cant even be myself, that means im not fitting in and i dont belong.. every night, all i do is think, think about the day, think about what i want, how im gona get it, what im here for, what im gona do with the rest of my life. sometimes i think that to be happy is to buy the things you want and need.. but that just makes me feel worse. i feel like a superficial person for thinking like that. i know that life isnt about 'things', its meant to be about love and friendship. but seeing that love and friendship is harder to get than buying 'things', id rather spend my money. have short spands of happiness instead of that eternal type. today i went and watched rumour has it and i remember a quote from it - really stood out.. 'be present' or sumthin. this is what i realised i try to do. it means to always live in the moment and try and be happy. dont think about the future. i try and try to 'be present' but to be present means keeping yourself busy and happy, im not able to keep busy so i think, and then i live in the future, in my brain and thoughts. i just wish someone gave me all the answers im looking for, someone could tell me what to do with my life, someone could give me some meaning, someone could care about me and take my life iand all that burden into their hands so i didnt have to worry. is this life a dream world? can people possibly be that happy? is it possible? that hope for possibibilty keeps me sane i guess. but when? when will i have all those things? a life full of no worries and meaning? and people who really cared about me, for me and just me.?

=S

im so freakin bored!

Mean Girls/Guyz

so today.. was nice and cold.. relaxing day.. haha mean girls is such a good movie.. was on the fone with steven n he wanted to do 3-way with someone.. but he wanted to bitch about me n c what they say.. i didnt wana.. but it was interesting.. he called pamela.. n started bitchin about me.. kept sayin how stupid i was and all that.. and yeh.. her reaction to some things he said were a lil.. but yeh.. wateva.. anywayz she realised i was there when he asked her if she liked me.. she was like is she at ur house? thats when i stepped in and said no.. lol i felt so guilty.. i felt bad that we were tricking her.. i sorta feel guilty.. but it was fun.. i would hate to be on the other line or a 3-way call without knowing.. omg.. haha.. me and my bigmouth lol.. anywayz on that call i found out steven told pam sumthin bout me that i told him not 2 say 2 any1.. and then he denied it.. and i believed that he didnt tell her.. but i feel really bad that he lies/jokes so often that i dont believe/trust him entirely.. like i do.. more than alot of ppl.. but i still hav that doubt hes gona tell ppl stuff.. but who cares i have dirt on him so its ok.. hehehe
i was about to blog about other stuff.. but decided to keep this entry happy.. after all this is the new year :P so yep.. all smiles..
xoxo

Turn Me On

Kevin Lyttle once sang: Turn Me On.. hehe.. at one time i absolutely hated the song, only becoz i really really loved the song once but then it had bad memories joined to it.. and the weird thing is that i keep hearing the song recently.. and memories r comin back.. n i guess it isnt that bad anymore..
Its Started..... i hate to admit, but i think that im beginning to lose contact with some friends.. well not really, but i feel so out of touch emotionally with them.. i just wish we could be back in legal or bio or under the tree or walkin to the canteen n just havin those weird but wonderful conversations.. i miss them so much.. i feel so lost without youuuu as Delta Goodrem once sang.. haha
I guess ive started to go a lil crazy as well.. and now im totally freakin out.. im obsessin about everythin.. n gettin really worried again.. peoples houses r now gettin robbed.. :S and im so scared that im gona lose all my stuff.. not stuff.. like my ipod or computer or anythin.. but like photos or memories.. little priceless things, sentimental things.. im so worried im gona lose them.. just like my weird fear of losing my memory.. arghh so scary... im sorta like that.. very clingy to stuff that i love.. i get really emotional when i break something i loved or really liked.. thats why i guess sometimes i take my time liking something.. or i dont over use something just in case..
right now: im thinkin bout what the point of me is.. what am i gona do with my life? like im so seriously scared.. wtf am i meant to do.. i hate bein put under pressure.. i dont work fast.. especially in making decisions.. coz i end up makin really stupid decisions and end up regreting stuff.. exactly like me and shopping.. i really hate to shop for stuff. im an impulse buyer, and i usually end up regretting what i buy.. even if its cheap stuff.. omg i 4get if ive written this or not, but a few weeks ago steven calculated how much ive spent over this year.. its like about over 4000 :( i dont even no where i got that money from.. *cries* im so stupid.. i coulda bought a car.. i have no idea where it went.. except for like my ipod, stereo.. and thats it.. oh and my hair.. and clothes.. n stuff here n there.. but no way could i have spent that much..!! (i think that total included my chicken tenders with no lettuce and tomato sauces for like a year) OMG i just realised.. i ATE my money!.. ewww... gross... next year im gona save.. today i opened an account where im not allowed to touch any money lolz.. the fees are way to high.. withdrawal is like 2.50.. so im not allowed to touch it.. and yeh.. hopefully it will help me save..
today was meant to be like 37 degrees.. so hot..! but i was at my grandmas house.. lucky hers got air con.. we spent the day baking.. we made fortune cookies.. lolz.. im so proud of them.. except for the fact that theres none left.. my lil cuzin josh ate them all!.. he got about 10 fortunes.. omg hes so cute! hes starting to read.. and he was tryin to read all the fortunes.. aww how cute.. lol one of the fortunes.. my favourite.. (coz i wrote it) "if you eat this cookie you will get salmonella" hehe.. hes like whats salmonella? hehe aww jareh him..
hmmz anywayz my days are being wasted not decidin on my future but goin out with my family, n friends occasionaly..oh and playing the SIMS 2 NITELIFE like every single day for hours.. n yeh.. boring as.. oh and who wants to go the valley maccas n just sit there 4 the whole day? or go to the park across the st.. haha good old times.. back in the day.. awwwwwww its like so in the past.. :(
ok way too long entry.. rambles rambles rambles..
bye byez mwahz mwahz
luv Sam.. xoxo

edit.. OMGGGGG i 4gottttt today was my parents 20th anniversary.. omg every1 forgot!! my parents didnt even remember.. i just remembered.. omg how sad.. but lucky we already gave them their pressie on xmas.. my mum was so happy.. hehe =) yay

Merry Xmas Eve

Merry Xmas Eve.. and Merry Xmas for 2moro... =]

clap your hands

if u feel shit and u no it clap ur hands
*claps hands*
arghh i cant get outa this mood. im constantly feeling like im about to cry, im sad. when i try to smile, i get tears in my eyes. omggg arghh *slaps myself* i cant get out of this mood. ive become snappy and im really sorry if im annoying. and if it is coz im feeling sorry 4 myself im sorry about that to. i just wish there was some1 who could just be there 4 me n i would feel safe and know that id b alright.
friends ask you how u r.. good friends ask whats wrong.. hehe cute quote.. im luvn my friends atm. thats about it..
ps.. it was my sisters 16th bday.. happy bday manda

..

i duno what im writing. i feel shit. guilty, sad. regretful, nervous.embarassed.jealous and many more unidentifiable feelings. ive cried. ive laughed. ive become hysterical. and thats all just in the past two days. i duno how im feeling. i duno wat im going to do. its the fact that i didnt like my uai mark. and only because i feel really stupid now, coz like ok yr 11 and 12. there r 2 types of people. those who try really hard, work hard, get good marks. and those who just fly through the years doin work here n there. goin school every now and again, partying, goin out, drinkin, drugs. all that shit. and they dont expect to get good marks they just do it for the fun of it. from what i see. im not sure i tried my hardest, but i guess i belonged in the 1st group. but i didnt get good marks. i mean my marks were ok. but i was expecting more. only because i saw myself in that first group. i tried. i shoulda got heaps better. i no some people who belonged in the second group and did alot better than me, that makes me feel even more shit. they got everything. its so not fair. i feel like the biggest idiot.. i dont even have any talents or things that im good at. i dont have a job. i have no experience. wtf am i gona do. i wish i had a talent like amy. shes so creative she can draw she can paint. shes smart. she can achieve so much. she noes what shes good at and she wants to do it. so that will make her successful. it could take her years but shell get there. my cuzin who belongs in the 2nd group didnt even become eligible for a hsc. but guess what hes gona do. hes gettin to take over his mums business the day he turns 18, he has a job, he parties, he has a car, he has a life. and he also has his own ambitions. he has talents. hes the greatest cartoonists ive known. argh so jealous. i dont have anythin im good at. i dont even no wat i want to do. my uncle told me my marks were bad, and then he goes i like u, ur intelligent. an insult followed by a compliment. thats so confusing. my mums pretendin to be happy. and using excuses such as u were stressed it was way to competitive. im not happy. but im not showing it. im acting as if its fine. i mean i have no right to be upset. i did alright. its just me bein stupid and jealous. but i guess ive been upset for awhile. even b4 we got our results. i hadnt cried for a really long time. for about a couple of months. and recently. ive become emotional again. crying. i guess its that build up. of hate. annoyance. scared. worrying about everything. i guess thats my worst thing. i worry. i keep worryin about both my sisters, both with different problems. 1 who has some sort of medical thing that no1 will tell me what the doctor said. wtf am i gona do. im so scared. sheddin tears and remeniscing about my past. i just feel really alone. i duno who to talk to. i feel really guilty talkin to my friends. they have their own lives. i dont want to burden them with my problems. and sometimes some of them make me feel worse. tellin me i did ok. i will be ok. i no i will.. but i duno.. i just feel like crying whenever some1 tells me that. i feel alone i guess. and on top of that ive been constanly feeling sick. everytime i eat something. i feel like throwing up. when i think of food i feel sick. my mum thinks its the tablets im on for my skin but im not sure. could be the weather or stress.. and my fucken pimples r gettin bad again. my skin is really gross and oily. and my hair is gettin curly again. i wana get it done. but i duno when. this entry is long sounds like an essay with no paragraphs and no intro and alot of bitching and complaining
in conclusion, i feel shit.

HSC Results....

ohh.. in just 6 and a half hours.. 66000 people in NSW are gona get their hsc results. im so scared. atm im contemplating stayin up the whole nite to keep steven company.. im not sure yet. hes gona call at 1.. my parents wake up at 5:30 anywayz.. so they r gona b around me while i get my results. and i dont want any1 2 c. so i guess theres no point. i should wait till 6:30 when i get them sms to me.. but i dont even wana leave my fone on.. maybe i should turn it off.. and sleep until sunday.. that was i wont get any results at all.. im so scared im gona cry.. lol.. just so nervous.. and really disappointed.. i no that i didnt do my best. and im really worried my mum is gona b 2 supportive of me no matter what i get. id rather yell at me and tell me off that i did bad then act all nice and say its ok.. that just makes me feel worse. i hate it.. makes me feel guilty.. especially when she says atleast u tried ur best.. when i didnt..:( arghh regrets.. but if i was given the chance to do it again. i wouldnt. its way too stressful. i didnt even notice how stressed i was until it was over. and now the stress is comin bak.. im already guaranteed a band 1 in chem and maths.. seeing that i didnt study for maths at all for about 2 months.. and chem.. even when i try in chem i still fail.. so yeh.. im screwed for the overall uai. : i just want it to hurry up and it be over with.. like pulling a bandaid or waxing.. but they really hurt.. waxing always seems to leave bruises.. so yeh.. im gona be scared(thats spelt scared its meant to be scar with a -d? how do u spell?) anywayz.. im mite go read a few books till 1am.. i realised i can read a small novel in about 1-2 hours.. lol.. yay.. im gona get throw alot tonight if i decide to stay up.. which i probably wont coz my eyes are already closing.. anywayz im rambling..
mwahz.. xoxo
Samz
ps.. prameeta ur the best.. mwahz thanx heapssss =)
edit: 12:08am.. i will not be stayin up all nite. id be an idiot to even consider it.. nite nite

Dreams

Have you ever had a dream in which you could actually feel? ive been having alot of 'feeling' dreams. a couple nights ago i had one in which i had put somethin in my mouth which was pulling down onto my teeth. it hurt so much and i could actually feel the pain in my dream. if i think about it now i can still remember what it felt like. last night i had a dream there was a really big flood. and my dog was outside.. and i had to quickly bring him inside.. and as soon as i closed the door.. all the water came onto the window.. and i could feel the pressure from outside..i went upstairs and looked out of the window where there was more water. it was soo scary. i could actually feel that i was scared. and when i think about it now i can still feel the same type of stress and scardness *dejavu*
anywayz i looked those things up in a dream dictionary...
Pain: To dream that you are inflicting pain to yourself, indicates that you are experiencing some overwhelming turmoil or problems in your waking life. You are trying to disconnect yourself from your reality by concentrating on the pain that you inflicted to yourself.
Mouth To see a mouth in your dream, signifies your need to express yourself or talk about an issue that's bothering you. On the other hand, perhaps you have said too much and you need to keep your mouth shut.
Flood: To see a raging flood with its muddy debris, signifies that you will have much unsettling occurrences and tribulations in life. Your repressed emotions may be overwhelming you.
Dog: To see a dog in your dream, indicate a skill that you have ignored or forgotten, but needs to be activated. Alternatively, dogs may symbolize intuition, loyalty, generosity, protection, and fidelity. Your own values and intentions will enable you to go forward in the world and succeed.
Water: To see water in your dream, symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy. It is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing and refreshment. If you are splashed by water, then it represents your need to be revitalized and more expressive
ok.. so from all these dream definitions. my dream is about....? tadum dum dahhh... i have supressed emotions and also skills that ive lost or forgotten. my emotions need to be let out and expressed. no to find out what these emotions are about...

Nothin Lasts Forever

nothin ever promised tommorrow today,
nothin lasts forever but be honest babe,
it may hurt but it may be the only way.

sometimes you think ur happy until somethin happens to remind you that ur bak in that mental state of nothingness. i was crusin along. relaxin. no worries. just enjoyin my time. but then i get reminded that we get our results on friday. and then u hav an argument with ur family and then everythin goes bak to how it used to be. yesterday i was soo pissed off..i was at my grandmas house havin a 'discussion' with my dad.. and then my dad's sister.. my aunty. started to say shit in front of me about me.. sayin that im stubborn and i dont listen. she had no rite to talk like that about me. so i told her. not directly to her. but i sorta said loudly to myself. 'what me? stubborn? and i dont listen? wtf u hav no rite to say thatabout me u dont even no me. u dont no how i act. i wana go home.' i had a short tantrum. she pissd me off.. she doesnt no anythin n she sits their judgin me and sayin stuff about me. i dont listen and im stubborn? just becoz i dont let ppl say shit about me or put me down. i stand up for myself she thinks i dont listen and im stubborn. ignorance pisses me off. i dont care if she is my aunty. she doesnt respect me so why should i to her? i dont let my dad talk 2 me like that so what makes any1 think id let my aunty, some1 who i dont see that often. arghh *lets it all out*
so havin arguments with ppl. worryin about my sister. ppl talkin n tellin me stuff.. so i should be worried. but then i look at her n shes ok.. i duno who to believe. if i ignore what they say n sumthin happens? if i confront her n its nuthin?
arghh im such a bum every1s doin somethin.. every1s workin. my cuz who didnt work that hard at school is gettin his mums business the day he turns 18.. hes so lucky.. y is it so easy for some ppl? its not fair. wtf am i gona do with my life. i dont even wana do business at uni anymore. and its not like im even gona get in.. and if i do i dont really wana do it.. i dont wana make the same mistake n pick somethin that i think will be interestin but im totally shit in.. and its gona b borin.. like chem.. : i hav no idea what i wana do.
nothin lasts forever. i have to be woken up from my dream land. and do somethin. get over it. and move on. or ignore all the reminders or reality and continue livin in the top layer of the sky. which 1s betta?

Joseph Conrad Once Wrote:

Who knows what true loneliness is — not the conventional word but the naked terror? To the lonely themselves it wears a mask. The most miserable outcast hugs some memory or some illusion. And as we strain to grasp things the things we desire, the things we think will make our lives better – money, popularity, fame. We ignore what truly matters. The simple things like friendship, family, love. The things we probably already had. And no one wants to end up lonely and sad. As Octavio Paz once wrote: solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition. Man is the only being that knows he is alone.

cornflakes

im gettin really annoyed with all this rain, lightning, and thunder.. the rain on its own is fine.. but lightning kills me.. ever since the tv blew up everytime we see lightning everything gets switched off just in case.. so that means sittin in the dark doin absolutely nothing.. im home alone yay.. but its raining.. i hope it doesnt storm.. or then ill hav nuthin to do..
yesterday i stayed home.. we cleaned the whole house and put up our christmas tree.. lol we put up our tree 2 days early.. talk about bein proactive.. hehe we usually put it up on the 1st but my sisters formals then and we r gona b busy and today they had to go get my sistas eyebrows done.. so yup im home alone, bored..
ive been really bored lately so the other night i decided to msg a few old friends of mine.. like really old.. ppl i havent talked to in more than 6 months or sumthin.. but omg guess wat my fone decides to do! send the same msg to like i duno how many ppl.. maybe 15 or sumthin.. waste my credit.. and then i had to msg those ppl that the msg wasnt meant for them... omg how embarassing..!!!
anywayz i hav no idea wat im gona do today.. i had invited my frends over for lunch.. but only like 3 could come.. thanx 2 those ppl who let me know.. had to cancel it.. not enough ppl.. and coz its raining i thought my dad wouldnt go to work today.. he didnt but hes at my grandmas house.. oh wellz.. i guess i can organise it another day.. hopefully more ppl will wana come..
argh its 10:30 gota take my tablets.. havent even eaten breakfast yet.. brb gona go eat..
omg so instead of eating i had a 10 min conversation with my aunty who just called.. now im gona go eat..
i can eat n type at the same time.. im eatin corn flakes.. they're healthy arent they? yupz.. boredom gets to me.. but im not really bored.. im just in a state of nothing.. i guess im relaxed.. not worryin about anythin eatin my breakkie.. so i call this state bored.. hehe
omg i just remembered i got a huge dilemma.. i duno when im gona watch harry potter! arghh it comes out 2moro.. wat do i do?? i might go watch it with my sista 2moro night.. amanda gona watch it on sat with her friends.. but i feel sorry for nat coz she has no1 2 go c it with.. so ill go with her.. but how bout on tuesday we go n watch it.. i dont mind watchin it again.. i really wana go out next tuesday.. we were meant to go movies yesterday but no1 organised it.. i wanted to see if any1 else would bother organising it.. and no1 really did.. and i couldnt be bothered.. but next week ill try organise it.. dependin on situations.. we should go n watch it.. wait so i think dilemma is over im gona go watch it with my sis.. no1 else has told me they wana go watch it with me 2moro.. so yeh.. go with sis.. dude does this even make sense.. blehh.. hehe
cornflakes hav gotten to my head
bye byez mwah mwah
Sam xoxo

Green Eyed Monsta

arghh.. im emotional again :S *groans* i was goin through all the formal pics from last night.. i duno if it was realising that i might never see these people again or the song im listenin to (james blunt - goodbye my lover) or a combination of both..every1 looked so beautiful last night.. *jealousy* i was so uncomfortable last night.. before i left the house my grandma even said relax.. she said that it can be seen that i wasnt in a good mood from the way i 'carried' myself.. i looked shit and she could tell.. i was just so annoyed.. i dont work well under pressure.. or in a rush.. i need everythin to be organised.. and when my plans change.. i get really stressed.. and me bein stressed comes through to the way i look.. i guess its the same with everyone.. but im so jealous of how beautiful every1 looked.. i knew i shoulda got a new dress.. the whole night i was so unfomfortable in the back of my mind i kept tellin myself that tasha looked heaps betta than me.. i hate bein like that.. i never used to be like that.. i used to be more confident.. i duno whats happend.. ive become heaps more self concsious and yeh.. i hate this feeling.. i thought i was over it all.. i guess i will be tommorrow.. but yeh..
fuk i havent had time to stop and slow down.. im so tired. my brain is tired. i havent had one days rest. i need one day to just stop. stay home. watch my movies. continue a normal routine. but nooo everyday im out.. either shoppin, visitin ppl.. or now helpin my aunty... tommorrow im goin 2 her office to look afta the shop and greet customers while she goes decorates a function.. im gona be so bored.. some1 visit me.! its on The Horsley Drive.. theres a big sign sayin BRIDAL FACTORY.. shes like on th 2nd level or sumthin.. Bejour Event Managment.. any1 can find it.. come c meeee.. and on Sunday i gota go church coz theyre havin this markett/fete day and i gota sell jewellery, makeup and help advertise her business.. arghh i need a break.. i wana stay home.. i wana think.. i wana cry... i just need to rest.. i cant even explain how tired i am.. im running in overload.. im becomming really snappy at people and becomming more impatient.. i hate goin on the net.. atm im away pretendin im playin fullscreen game.. but im not obviously.. i just cbf to talk to anyone.. no1 really wants to talk to me anywayz,,
omg today i was at my aunties shop and she needed an electrician so i called prameeta. i feel so bad.. im sorry.. he really didnt hav to come it wasnt that important.. u had that thing on 2moro.. uze were probably busy.. i didnt even think.. so sorry.. but a really big thanx.. ur dad came out really quickly and was really good at his job.. i was so embarassed to call.. but she needed an electrician b4 monday n today was the only day shed be there..
hmmz.. im so annoyed! lol every1 keeps askin me 4 pics.. but i havent had time 2 upload them onto the net.. and yah.. every1 keeps askin.. maybe i should delete msn.. not like i talk to any1 anymore... doesnt seem like any1 really wants to other than ppl from skool..
anywayz enough depressin blogs.. im just overtired.. and need a break..
bye byezzz
xoxoxo Sam