='(

arghh.. so pissed atm.. im so sick of this.. so sick of everythin.. its an insult to my being.. i no i may be overreacting.. i no i neva went onto that account.. but u dont just delete my pictures and my details.. u dont just dissolve me outa ur life.. (and no im not talkin bout a guy.. my cuz without tellin me changed the username and got rid of pics n stuff from this account we made 2gether).. i feel so pushed outa everywhere.. a few years ago.. i new exactly where i fitted.. who i hung around.. who were my friends.. who were my enemies.. (*i joke i joke* i have no enemies) now.. every1s gotten over it.. its annoyin.. its such a transition i cant keep up..
everythin around me, everyone around me are moving on.. and im slow.. i cant keep up.. i duno what to do.. im livin about an hour behind normal people..i dont no where i fit in.. and there are so many mes.. im the me with my high school friends.. im the me with my family/household.. im the me with my family/cuzinz.. im the other me with different family members.. and im the new me at uni.., but i still dont fit in.. assyrian new year festival is gona prove difficult.. last year i new exactly where i fitted in.. 1 me was going.. but this year.. there are all different people from different areas of my life going.. and i dont no which me to go as..
and now all of a sudden i have to deal with uni.. i have so many assignments to do.. and im gettin scared.. but what makes it worse is that no1 else seems to be worried.. they're all dealin with it.. i feel so young..! everyones older than me in age and in mind.. i duno if im mature enough to handle it.. i havent been this sad i guess u can call it.. and so confused in a long time.. i guess its just coz ive been so busy i havent had time to sit and think about it all.. i havent even cried in ages.. maybe im gettin stronger? i duno.. but right now i dont feel that strong..argh *sigh* *breathe* *smile*
moving on... its april fools today, assyrian new year 2.. and we get to change the clocks on sunday.. i think it means we get an extra hour of sleep.. i hope we do.. the thought of us losing an hour of sleep makes me sad. :(

p.s. i hate it so much when ppl use 3rd person when talking or in their nicks.. duno if its 3rd person dont no the technical term for it.. the one where they write for example samantha is bored.. no wat i mean?

snob

im at my aunties office atm. meant to be sending and receiving her emails, and doin other stuff.. except shes busy talkin to a client.. its my day off.. :D yay.. got so much work 2 do 4 uni.. dont feel like doin it.. i finally cleaned my room yesterday.. after about a month of it gettin messier n messier.. :S.. argh at uni this girl.. she makes me feel so uncomfortable.. when i first met her she talked about god and religion for an hour.. and after that i felt so odd.. i felt really bad coz i wanted to avoid her at all costs... i had a lecture on wednesday.. a really boring 1.. my lectures run for 2 hours.. and i was so not in the modd for it.. i got there and the elcturer wasnt there.. waited for 15 minutes and he still wasnt there.. and THEN!.... the weird girl.. (well shes niot weird.. but wateva).. well she came and sat next to meee.. i didnt no what to do.. i said hi.. and told her i was about to leave xcoz ive been sittin there for a long time.. she said ok bye.. and i ran off.. i feel like the biggest snob :(.. but am i? or is it ok not to talk to people who make u feel uncomfortable? i feel really bad.. i dont wana talk to her.. its really uncomfortable and weird.. but i dont wana b a snob.. and im stuck at this uni for 3 years.. shes there for 3 years too.. oh wellz.. other than that.. the poeple at uni r pretty kool.. but i still miss uze all..! lets have a get together at my place 1 day, we can play games, watch movies, and eat food.. if anytime any of u wana meet up or come over, just let me no.. ill organise it.. :D anytime at all.. id ont care.. :) oh and this weekend its assyrian new year.. and theres this festival on sunday at fairfield showground.. if any of u wana come.. let me no.. itll b fun.. or if uze dont wana come to that.. we can do somethin on saturday.. the zoo is still an option.. we didnt end up goin this weekend.. just let us no if any of u r available
gota go do some work.. edit this later

disappointing hair

i got my hair done on saturday.. and i wasnt 2 happy with the cut.. i didnt realise how bad it was till on tuesday. just b4 i washed my hair.. i took a foto of it just incase it went curly.. i looked at the pic.. and i hate my hair.. i neva look at my back side.. and my hair from the back was shocking.. well IS shocking.. its a V shape.. and i wanted a U shape.. i didnt want layers... and hes cut sooo much.. ive got layers everywhere.. so when it grows out.. even now.. its like fluffy.. argh.. and i feell sooooo bad.. my cuzin went 4 her 1st ever time to get hair p.straightened.. my recommendations n everythin.. and when she washed it 4 the 1st time it went curly.. and frizzy.. and gross.. and now she has 2 call up and c whats gona happen.. and its all my fault.. i so trusted them.. been there a few times now.. and now its kinda disappointing.. im not gona blame the shop.. its probably the hairdresser.. i had some guy named KEN.. so if uze eva go dreamix.. dont get him.. yeh i feel really bad about kathryns hair.. i couldnt even call up 4 her coz i didnt finish uni till 6 today.. i hope she atleast gets it redone 4 free.. or a refund.. seriously 300 bux is alot when u think about it.. :S

аѕтяоℓоgџ

this morning i checked my horoscope for yesterday.. and its so true.!

Pisces 12-03-2006
You might wake up this morning, look in the mirror and decide that you hate what you see - even though you probably look fine. Therefore this is a good day to shop for new clothes, or get that haircut. Perhaps you're feeling a little blue, and getting out and indulging yourself is more a necessity than a luxury. But don't overindulge in food or drink at this time, dear Pisces; tomorrow you might not like the consequences!

lol.. yesterday i did wake up n feel gross, even though i had gotten my hair done on saturday.. and i went shopping.. and i bought clothes.. :D yay.. and last night i was eating chips n drinking coke.. and i felt yuk so i stopped eating.. and told my sister not 2 let my drink soft drinks for a long time.. coz its really unhealthy...
feelin really alone atm.. u no that alone.. ur not actually alone, but its like noone undestands u.. and noone is actually there 4 u.. they're there for the point of just being there. i duno how to explain it.. but i want some1 whos there 4 me.. and only me.. even if its just for a minute.. it would b nice 2 have some1 who cared enough to just sit there 4 u.. oh wellz waateva...
todays my day off from uni.. yay.. but im kinda bored.. i have alot of hw, and normal work to catch up on.. if u dont do ur work.. and if ur not 'proactive'.. u will never learn anything.. theres hardly any due dates.. no1 tells u what to summarise or what to take notes on.. they dont really check hw or anythin.. if u dont go ahead and 'study'.. and do it all urself, u will never ever learn anything.. ive been goin 2 uni for 2 weeks and ihavent learnt anythin.. so im freakin out and tryin 2 become 'unlazy' with schoolwork.. and actually 'study'.. omg how scary.. me of all people.. studying.. haha.. if i ever get around to it.. i have so much time.. i only go 2 uni 3 days a week.. and i have no idea what i do on the other 4 days i have off. but it feels like i have no free time at all!.. its annoying.. ive been so busy lately.. but i duno how.. or what ive actually been doing.. oh wellz..
i havent seen any1 in ages... well ok.. since our bday picnic thing.. which was only about 2 weeks ago.. wait.. not even.. it was only last week.. :( y does it feel like ages?! =( i miss every1.. it was fun sittin under that tree and talking and laughing.. i liked laughing.. i havent laughed that much in ages.. haha lil kids and lil puppies r funny..
sometimes i think that im unable to let go.. its hard for me to see things that i love to go away..
got distracted.. gona go.. bye byez
Sam xxoxo

ѕтєаℓіиg

last night i had a dream that i was in a shop.. a really big shop.. and i was emptying this handbag coz it was full of stuff.. then i saw these earrings.. and they were pink and i really liked them.. dangly and everythin.. i went to show my aunty and she goes to me.. they arent earrings.. its a belly ring.. so i put one down.. and i really wanted 2 buy it.. i thought i could probably wear it on my ear somehow or give it to someone else.. and as i was going to pay for it another one of my aunties was outside the shop n she called me over. so i went outside the store,. and then i saw my cuzinz at some outdoor restauraunt so i went over to them.. there were all these bbqs and they seemed to be spittin out fire so i had 2 b careful walkin over them... anywayz kathryn was there n so were dave n joe.. and i saw kathryn n i showed her the bellyring.. and i gave it 2 her.. and thats when i realised i had stolen it.. i felt weird.. kinda like i didnt care.. and when i woke up i felt guilty for not caring even though it was only somethin small..
Stealing: To dream that you are stealing, denotes that you are deprived and where the stealing takes place (at home, the office, at school....) is indicative of your neediness. Alternatively, it may signify unrealized and unfulfilled goals. You may have set your goals too high.
hmmz.. so yeh.. thats what it means.. well i havent been to the shops in ages.. so i guess its sorta right.. about the unfulfilled goals bit.. who knows..
argh ive hit a point in my life where im bored again.. u no when u have all these events ur looking forward to and hav been waitin for them to come like forever.. they come and go really quickly.. and now ur left thinkiin what next? well im there.. ive had these amazing few weeks with all this new stuff happening.. and now.. now i dont know exactly what to do..
yesterday on my day off i made a collage of pictures of all my relatives on my dads side to give to my grandma whos in hospital.. its really really big.. im really proud of it.. i hope she likes it.. shes gona b there for 2 weeks recovering from a major operation.. i was so upset.. or am upset about it. before she went in she came over and as she was leavin she said to us goodbye coz i might never see u again.. :( but im happy that she made it through the operation.. just gota wait to see if it worked.. im prayin that it did.. i hope she gets better..anywayz i made her the collage, so if we or any of my family arent able to visit her she can just look at the collage and know that we care.. lol i no how stupid does that sound.. but yeh..
hmmz.. so yeh. atm my life is at a standstill.. and im waitin.. i have uni at 12 today.. and 2nite im goin over kathryn & beccas house.. 2moro me n kat r gettin our hair 'did' hehe.. yay..
since i formatted my comp.. i havent been on much.. and i dont have much songs anymore.. :( i only managed to saved about 1000... and i havent even downloaded a downloading program to download songs.. so i rely on my internet radio.. haha
im bored.. i better go eat brekky..
bye bye
Sam

сатсн-чр

hmmz.. i havent been on the net in what feels like ages.. but may only be a week or 2.. during this time.. kathryn turned 18, i turned 18 and Prameeta turned 18.. yay! go the 18 yr olds!.. haha.. i went to my first clubbin club at the city.. (Deep Blu at Watershed).. went to my first mardi-gras.. bought my 1st alcoholic drink... showed my i.d card 4 i.d purposes.. went to one of the best bday parties ever (Kathryns), had a pretty good bday bbq, had a great bday picnic, went to uni for the 1st time.. hmmz im so dead tired that i cant even think.. ill just fill in details later on.. gona go 2 bed now.. anywayz thanks to every1 who came n all that.. i really had a great time.. one of my bestest bdays ever :D
p.s happy belated bday kathryn & happy bday Prameeta

Nervous..

next week i start uni and i turn 18.. and its kinda scary.. its a big change.. and im not even prepared yet.. im not sure how im gona get there anymore.. i went 2 orientation day yesterday.. and i dont like my uni.. :( its deserted.. it looks really quiet.. and its sorta nowhere near parra.. its near rosehill or somethin.. near ryde.. :S and i did not see a train station anywhere near it.. oh wellz.. ill prob get my mum 2 take me a few times till i figure it out.. atm im tryin 2 format my comp.. but that means i gota backup EVERYTHIN.. especially songs.. coz no way am i gona delete my hardwork and time downloadin them all.. atm ive done programs, documents and pictures.. but ii only hav about 7 cd-rws left.. so igota go buy more.. ive got cd-rs but i dont wana use them coz i wont b able 2 delete them or wateva.. and it gets 2 confusing.. and after i eventually burn everythin.. i gota get the courage to format.. im scared that when i format.. and when i put all my stuff back on.. i had forgotten 2 burn somethin important.. and it would b gone forever.. and what if i cant format.. and i wasted ALL this time backing it all up.. argh i hate computers.. their sooo annoying.. i wish some1 could do this 4 me..

the one where i didnt know how 2 turn thoughts into words...

my mind is racing, and im feeling so much.. its so overwhelming that i just want 2 cry and let it all out.. except i dont know the reason.. im just wastin my days.. doin nothing.. yesterday we went for dinner with a these 2 families at marconi club.. and we took the kids to the game room.. its like galaxy world or sumthin.. and they were looking for staff.. so finally gettin the nerve 2 ask some1 for an application i got 1.. and i really wana apply for it coz just imagine how fun it would b.. i asked my mum and she said ok but i had 2 ask my dad.. and of course he said no.. he said that people who work dont study.. like omg wat an idiot.. argh i just hate it. he doesnt want me 2 be independant.. he does that 2 every1 in my family. as soon as some1 wants 2 do somethin benefiting themselves he always says no. arghhh the frustration and annoyance! its becommin unbearable.. the confusion is drivin me crazy.. and the complete boredom as im always doing nothing isnt helping.. i tried keeping busy, doing puzzles, reading, playing games, watching movies.. but when does watching every episode of Friends, and reading the same novel 3 times enough? how is keeping busy ever gona 'keep me busy' if ive become bored with that as well.. :S i duno what to do.. and the whole uni thing, the timetable, units, electives.. like wtf does it all mean? im so confused.. and i dont even no if im enrolled coz the stupid table thing disappeared..! arghh how am i gona register 4 tutorials.. its so bloody confusing.. and i dont even no wat the hell ive actually been enrolled in.. me bein stupid didnt even pick any subjects/units/electives.. (i havent established what means what..) oh wellz.. if i was meant 2 be at uni then it should all work out somehow.. (hopefully)..
anywayz i guess another episode of one tree hill before i go 2 bed and read another really old childish book.. i gota go library or a bookstore.. all the books ive got at home r so old.. the last time i bought a novel 4 myself was prob in yr 6 book club lol.. yeh oh wellz..
goodnite and goodbye
Sam xoxo

the one where sam doesnt have a bday

hehe oh wellz.. there goes my plans for havin a bday party.. reasons being my dad wont let me.. this is what my mum told me.. and this is the 2nd time she asked.. i dont want any problems, and im really really tired of arguing.. and i no if i end up havin a bday party without him knowing as some of my cuzinz suggested, somthin will go wrong.. and its not good havng my mum lie for me.. its not fair for her.. so i guess im gona start acting mature, and act as my age and just let it go.. i mean if it was meant 2 happen it would have.. im not sayin im not pissed.. coz i really am.. but i just figured; i cant always be pissed off when i dont get my way.. coz then ill be known as the 'pissy' girl.. 2moro i gota get my money back from the bond.. hmmz cant think anymore.. i like that quote from my previous entry.. i guess im not gona think about the future.. and live in the moment.. which means i better get going.. wana wake up early enough 2 go 2 maccas 4 brekkie
luv Samz
xoxo

the one with the friends

so my days are spent watchin friends episodes.. watchin tv, computering, playn games, eating and sleeping.. HOW EXCITING! *rolls eyes*
Lucas on One Tree Hill once quoted someone, whos name i didnt catch.. and they said: Do not look back and grieve in the past for it is gone;and do not be troubled about the future for it has yet to come; live in the present and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering
ok.. thats where i will leave it for today.. short and sweet

problems

i have problems, and i dont think id ever be able to admit that in person. sometimes i really need to talk to someone but i cant becoz i worry what they will think of me. so instead i keep it in. lately ive been extremely moody and emotional and angry and all sorts of things. and i dont know what to do. i yell alot, i stress over everythin and just about cry at every little thing that could happen. my mouth keeps asking for help, but my brain doesnt know what it needs help with. i worry and stress about organisation. i need to know every detail if im gona go out, as soon as something goes wrong like if i start running late, i stress and cry, and take even longer. today i had a good cry about buying this ugly dress under pressure. i liked it, tryed it on, but new i didnt need a dress, and i still bought it. wore it to nevadas bday party 2nite.. felt so uncomfortable in it and i know ill never wear it again. and i cried becoz 1 of my cuzinz have been tellin his cuzinz about my party and been invitin all these people, some really young. and i cried coz i feel really guilty becoz i know i wasnt going to invite them. and i cry, and cry.. and i yell at my sisters. and then i feel so bad at yellin i cry some more. its like my whole body is confused, my brain is tryin 2 tell me sumthin but i dont get it, i become confused and i dont no wat to do. so i cry. im not the same person anymore. i used to b able to organise stuff.. work everythin out, write it down. but i cant. my grandma went into hospital the other day, and i didnt even make time to visit her, and i cried. i was so scared. shes out now, but she isnt that much better, and i still havent seen her yet.. im so scared about 2moro that i cry, every 2day looks at tomorrow with fear. i need someone to talk to, i really need someone to tell me its going to be ok.. i ask my mum to help me organise my party n stuff, but i get so frustraated becoz she doesnt get me. i know shes tryn to help, but i duno,.. i get so annoyed.. things with my dad arent any better, they just seem to get worse and worse.. i avoid talking to him as much as possible, but he goes out of his way to get me angry. he says completely stupid and rude things just to piss me off.. its unbearable.. he also goes out of his way to stop me from doin anythin.. make me feel guilty.. the other day i asked my mum if she could make me a sandwich... i neva eva ask her, but she had just made my dad around 5.. so i asked.. and he yelled at me so bad.. i was so pissed. called me lazy and said i didnt care about her.. i mean how stupid and hypocritical.. she had just made him a few sandwiches.. but its ok 4 him?? arghh
at nevadas bday 2day.. sittin bak n watchin.. i didnt fit in.. at all..the ppl all typical assyrians.. i didnt no how to act.. so i just walked around,, didnt talk much.. just sat there till the end.. i felt so uncomfortable.. watchin how the girls flirt with the guyz, and danced with them. and tickeled them and all that sorta stuff.. they all knew each other.. i didnt no any1.. arghh and my cuz said shell introduce me to ppl and stay with me and stuff.. but she wasnt around much.. n her introductions were her yellin out to me sayin 'sam thats blah' 'blah thats sam' and thats it.. argh i dont even no wat im talking about, i just need to let it out, i need to talk to someone.. its 1:30am though.. who the hell can i talk 2? arghh and i feel like cryin so much.. i dont even no why.. and 2moro when i think back to today or read this ill cringe.. i always do. it seems as though after days pass, i just 4get this.. until it happens again.. my life is a circle, and nothin ever gets solved.. its just like puttin a bandaid over the problem.. its hiding, its never really gone is it? and if it is ur left with a scar..

Someone Else..

lately, ive been someone else.. im me.. but im the other me.. the annoying 1.. the one who does stuff and acts in a weird way.. i guess its emotional me.. i cant believe but i started crying outa nowhere at my cuzinz house.. all becoz i didnt no if i wanted to go shopping or not.. omg! wata freak.. who cries over that.. i guess i was just really tired and a lil hungry.. like a baby..
oh that reminds me.. i found the perfect analagy (not sure if its the right word) to describe how i feel in life at the moment.. im like a baby.. a baby cant talk yet and noone can understand it.. it cries and cries and noone noes why, and no1 seems to understand whats wrong. thats how i feel.. as though no1 can understand me. and i guess that makes me frustrated..
so yeh i got into uni.. although its at a 'crap' uni.. im soo happy.. i dont care if its crap, got a bad rep, is ugly.. im just so happy that i got in.. im doin a bachelor of business (management) at Parramatta campus.. that was my first preference so yeh :) very happy.. i think they lowered the cut-off for that coz i was off by a few marks.. i thought id miss out n get my 2nd 1.. but yay now i can go parra westfields all the time.. hot guyz *wink wink* hehe
yeh.. anywayz im really tired.. *yawns*
bye bye
Samz xoxo

edit: i keep 4gettin 2 mention that im gona go watch a taping of 'wheel of fortune' next friday..
Looking for fun free things to do around Sydney?
Why not be part of the studio audience for one of Australia's most popular game shows.
Channel Seven offers travellers FREE tickets to the recording of Wheel of Fortune.
Tickets are free, but bookings are essential. To reserve your tickets please call 1800 24 7777.
Wheel of Fortune is filmed at the Channel Seven Studios, Mobbs Lane, Epping NSW.

so any1 interested.. goooo!! plz plz.. hehe and btw dont ask y im even going.. got no clue.. just saw the ad and decided to.. its a once in a lifetime thing
oh yeh i just remembered.. slept ova cuzinz place yesterday.. n she had this 1000 piece puzzle.. and now i really really feel like doin 1.. so i might go buy 1 2moro..

'supposed' ppl who 'care' about me.. *cough*bullshit*cough*

why are people dicks? im just so pissed off.. all the liars and people who hide stuff.. argh.. i mean y do ppl feel they have to lie to avoid sumthin.. like i was talkin to some1.. not mentionin names coz they mite read this.. anywayz this person went somewhere yesterday.. and they didnt tell me who they went with.. then i talked to the other person n she asked me what i did yesterday, i replied nuthin u? n she replied she went to the same place as the other person. but with 'skool friends' im like yeh i no that other person told me.. n she changed the subject.. then she started sayn how much fun it was.. n then i asked who else went with u? n shes goes ohh i gota go.. bye. bullshit.. it was only the 2 of u.. y not tell me?.. got a guilty conscience for not invitin me? its not like i care anywayz.. its just rude for people to pretend they r ur frend n wana do stuff with u.. when they neva do what u wana do n they dont invite u anywhere. only call when u need sumthin pftt neva again am i gona help... just pisses me off so much that i try! y? y do i try? its not like i need uze i dont need ppl like u.. argh.. fakers.. y fake it.. y do i constantly try to talk to people only to be replied rudely.. or without care.. thats a really big fault of mine.. trusting people and liking people who dont even consider me on their level.. thats another thing i hate! how people think they are above u.. or better than u.. :S i hate it.. make me feel so small.. people who say they r my frend and then i neva hear from them again, IM the 1 who has to start the conversation, invite people out.. I have to do EverythinG! :S it gets so annoying, only becoz some ppl start taking advantage of that.
arghhhh fuck life.. theres no point to it.. try livin day by day is the only option..
*screams* arghh i have so much to blog about.. been gettin really pissed off recently.. and really easily.. its just gettn so annoying.. my sister.. well.. every1 knows im the oldest.. ppl hav been telln me try n get closer to them, talk to them.. maybe theyll tell u stuff.. i try.. i play ro coz nat plays.. but shes so annoying.. and in a completely bad way.. its embarassing.. she plays ro.. and she goes on the forum.. and writes all this crap.. ok so yeh ppl need to express themselves.. thats y i blog.. but she writes all this crap on an open forum 4 every1 to read.. and then what she writes can reflect on me..and people think im the 'bad guy' 'i dont care' wateva.. lorenzo goes to me.. 'ohh ur sis loves the forum.. a lil 2 much..' omg.. every1 reads stuff.. and i have to put up with it.. and then i have to stick up 4 her when ppl say stuff.. arghh and she talks 2 amy and kathryn as if theyre her frends.. and everytime i walk past she closes the convo.. i mean ok.. so talk 2 them.. but y hide stuff from me.. she even had the nerve to say.. 'i dont think kathryn wants u 2 no'.. oh yeh wateva.. ill find out wateva it is later.. and she does it on purpose.. i try.. but she rejects me.. so wtf am i meant 2 do.. and if i say i dont care and i give up.. every1 else will say how im a bad sister n stuff..arghh so annoying.. y do i try? with my 'supposed' friends, 'cuzinz', even my 'sisters'... when all i get is rudeness and rejection.. i get ignored.. whyy????
arghh so people dont talk to me.. and when i give up trying.. ima bitch.. and a snob.. oh yeh my aunty frequently calls me a snob coz i dont come over.. i dont c her daughters comin over my place.. y should i try when no1 else does?
gettin more annoyed writin this.. so better stop..
oh yeh and my birthday is givin me the shits.. booked a place on the 4th march.. but my dad wont let me have it.. doesnt get what a birthday is.. sees it as a waste of money.. he never told me that.. coz my mum does all my talkin 4 me coz hed just yell at me.. but yeh.. ill prob will hav it.. but i dont wana organise it.. and every1 keeps puttin their input into the planning.. and its turnin into sumthin i dont want.. my cuzinz dont even want me havin it at the place i booked.. they had good reasons y.. but arghh i hate organising.. :S
oh and im invited to a party on sat.. i wana go n drink alcohol.. but my sister is invited 2.. and i cant act how i would normally act.. i cant talk 2 guys.. coz shed b there.. arghh i hate it.. its no fun havin a littler sister hangin around u.. even if she is only a year n a half younger.. and that makes it worse! every1 expects us to hang around each other n b 'friends'.. she gets 2 do everythin i do.. and its so unfair.. im older than her! and arghhh
oh yeh steven told me 2 blog about reminiscing stuff from school.. most of it was funny.. but the rest was embarassing.. remember the time when pamela threw his glasses in the puddle.. or the time belinda called him bookworm and they had the biggest fight in geography.. ok wateva.. not in mood reminiscing..
bleh... totally brain lag..
bye Samz

the internet is an alternate reality in which i have died.

so, as the title suggests.. i feel as though the internet is an alternate reality, in which i onced live in. recently i feel as though i dont belong. i dont come 'online' as often as i once did, i dont talk to any1, today i started to play ro again, but i feel as though i dont belong, and when amy left me coz she was tired, i felt lonely on the game lolz.. how sad.. I dont belong in that alternate reality i had once created for myself, my escape, my comfort zone. the people in it have also left, and i have been misplaced. my reality is now my life, but i fear that my reality is a waste of time. im not doing anything with it. i feel as though i have no purpose. i dont belong in reality. if i dont belong in my alternate reality, or my real reality of life.. where do i belong? i dont seem to fit in with people. i have lost who i am, who i was is not who i am today. i once was smart, a typical nerd.. well not typical - no glassed. i was happy. today i would be so happy if someone called me smart or a nerd. how i long to have a meaning, a description, even a stereotype if i have to. just as long as i know what i am. im not smart. my family dont get along with me. my dad still hates me. my sisters dont talk to me about anything. i think theyre scared of me. if they are scared of me does that define me as a scary person? is that what i am? my school friends are my good friends.. but as all people in the past have witnessed, high school friends rarely keep in contact. those that i have kept in contact with i think will remain my good friends for years to come, but there are those few who have slipped away. however i dont always fit in with my school friends.. im not as smart, as talented, have the same interests and likes, share many hobbies.. im not like any1 else.. my out of school friends, who are completely different people - different types of people, different group of people. are not my type of people.. i dont seem to fit in with them, they may be loud, i may be loud, but i cannot be loud around them. they are very social, i like to be social, but im not around them. im quiet. so if i cant even be myself, that means im not fitting in and i dont belong.. every night, all i do is think, think about the day, think about what i want, how im gona get it, what im here for, what im gona do with the rest of my life. sometimes i think that to be happy is to buy the things you want and need.. but that just makes me feel worse. i feel like a superficial person for thinking like that. i know that life isnt about 'things', its meant to be about love and friendship. but seeing that love and friendship is harder to get than buying 'things', id rather spend my money. have short spands of happiness instead of that eternal type. today i went and watched rumour has it and i remember a quote from it - really stood out.. 'be present' or sumthin. this is what i realised i try to do. it means to always live in the moment and try and be happy. dont think about the future. i try and try to 'be present' but to be present means keeping yourself busy and happy, im not able to keep busy so i think, and then i live in the future, in my brain and thoughts. i just wish someone gave me all the answers im looking for, someone could tell me what to do with my life, someone could give me some meaning, someone could care about me and take my life iand all that burden into their hands so i didnt have to worry. is this life a dream world? can people possibly be that happy? is it possible? that hope for possibibilty keeps me sane i guess. but when? when will i have all those things? a life full of no worries and meaning? and people who really cared about me, for me and just me.?

=S

im so freakin bored!

Mean Girls/Guyz

so today.. was nice and cold.. relaxing day.. haha mean girls is such a good movie.. was on the fone with steven n he wanted to do 3-way with someone.. but he wanted to bitch about me n c what they say.. i didnt wana.. but it was interesting.. he called pamela.. n started bitchin about me.. kept sayin how stupid i was and all that.. and yeh.. her reaction to some things he said were a lil.. but yeh.. wateva.. anywayz she realised i was there when he asked her if she liked me.. she was like is she at ur house? thats when i stepped in and said no.. lol i felt so guilty.. i felt bad that we were tricking her.. i sorta feel guilty.. but it was fun.. i would hate to be on the other line or a 3-way call without knowing.. omg.. haha.. me and my bigmouth lol.. anywayz on that call i found out steven told pam sumthin bout me that i told him not 2 say 2 any1.. and then he denied it.. and i believed that he didnt tell her.. but i feel really bad that he lies/jokes so often that i dont believe/trust him entirely.. like i do.. more than alot of ppl.. but i still hav that doubt hes gona tell ppl stuff.. but who cares i have dirt on him so its ok.. hehehe
i was about to blog about other stuff.. but decided to keep this entry happy.. after all this is the new year :P so yep.. all smiles..
xoxo

Turn Me On

Kevin Lyttle once sang: Turn Me On.. hehe.. at one time i absolutely hated the song, only becoz i really really loved the song once but then it had bad memories joined to it.. and the weird thing is that i keep hearing the song recently.. and memories r comin back.. n i guess it isnt that bad anymore..
Its Started..... i hate to admit, but i think that im beginning to lose contact with some friends.. well not really, but i feel so out of touch emotionally with them.. i just wish we could be back in legal or bio or under the tree or walkin to the canteen n just havin those weird but wonderful conversations.. i miss them so much.. i feel so lost without youuuu as Delta Goodrem once sang.. haha
I guess ive started to go a lil crazy as well.. and now im totally freakin out.. im obsessin about everythin.. n gettin really worried again.. peoples houses r now gettin robbed.. :S and im so scared that im gona lose all my stuff.. not stuff.. like my ipod or computer or anythin.. but like photos or memories.. little priceless things, sentimental things.. im so worried im gona lose them.. just like my weird fear of losing my memory.. arghh so scary... im sorta like that.. very clingy to stuff that i love.. i get really emotional when i break something i loved or really liked.. thats why i guess sometimes i take my time liking something.. or i dont over use something just in case..
right now: im thinkin bout what the point of me is.. what am i gona do with my life? like im so seriously scared.. wtf am i meant to do.. i hate bein put under pressure.. i dont work fast.. especially in making decisions.. coz i end up makin really stupid decisions and end up regreting stuff.. exactly like me and shopping.. i really hate to shop for stuff. im an impulse buyer, and i usually end up regretting what i buy.. even if its cheap stuff.. omg i 4get if ive written this or not, but a few weeks ago steven calculated how much ive spent over this year.. its like about over 4000 :( i dont even no where i got that money from.. *cries* im so stupid.. i coulda bought a car.. i have no idea where it went.. except for like my ipod, stereo.. and thats it.. oh and my hair.. and clothes.. n stuff here n there.. but no way could i have spent that much..!! (i think that total included my chicken tenders with no lettuce and tomato sauces for like a year) OMG i just realised.. i ATE my money!.. ewww... gross... next year im gona save.. today i opened an account where im not allowed to touch any money lolz.. the fees are way to high.. withdrawal is like 2.50.. so im not allowed to touch it.. and yeh.. hopefully it will help me save..
today was meant to be like 37 degrees.. so hot..! but i was at my grandmas house.. lucky hers got air con.. we spent the day baking.. we made fortune cookies.. lolz.. im so proud of them.. except for the fact that theres none left.. my lil cuzin josh ate them all!.. he got about 10 fortunes.. omg hes so cute! hes starting to read.. and he was tryin to read all the fortunes.. aww how cute.. lol one of the fortunes.. my favourite.. (coz i wrote it) "if you eat this cookie you will get salmonella" hehe.. hes like whats salmonella? hehe aww jareh him..
hmmz anywayz my days are being wasted not decidin on my future but goin out with my family, n friends occasionaly..oh and playing the SIMS 2 NITELIFE like every single day for hours.. n yeh.. boring as.. oh and who wants to go the valley maccas n just sit there 4 the whole day? or go to the park across the st.. haha good old times.. back in the day.. awwwwwww its like so in the past.. :(
ok way too long entry.. rambles rambles rambles..
bye byez mwahz mwahz
luv Sam.. xoxo

edit.. OMGGGGG i 4gottttt today was my parents 20th anniversary.. omg every1 forgot!! my parents didnt even remember.. i just remembered.. omg how sad.. but lucky we already gave them their pressie on xmas.. my mum was so happy.. hehe =) yay

Merry Xmas Eve

Merry Xmas Eve.. and Merry Xmas for 2moro... =]

clap your hands

if u feel shit and u no it clap ur hands
*claps hands*
arghh i cant get outa this mood. im constantly feeling like im about to cry, im sad. when i try to smile, i get tears in my eyes. omggg arghh *slaps myself* i cant get out of this mood. ive become snappy and im really sorry if im annoying. and if it is coz im feeling sorry 4 myself im sorry about that to. i just wish there was some1 who could just be there 4 me n i would feel safe and know that id b alright.
friends ask you how u r.. good friends ask whats wrong.. hehe cute quote.. im luvn my friends atm. thats about it..
ps.. it was my sisters 16th bday.. happy bday manda

..

i duno what im writing. i feel shit. guilty, sad. regretful, nervous.embarassed.jealous and many more unidentifiable feelings. ive cried. ive laughed. ive become hysterical. and thats all just in the past two days. i duno how im feeling. i duno wat im going to do. its the fact that i didnt like my uai mark. and only because i feel really stupid now, coz like ok yr 11 and 12. there r 2 types of people. those who try really hard, work hard, get good marks. and those who just fly through the years doin work here n there. goin school every now and again, partying, goin out, drinkin, drugs. all that shit. and they dont expect to get good marks they just do it for the fun of it. from what i see. im not sure i tried my hardest, but i guess i belonged in the 1st group. but i didnt get good marks. i mean my marks were ok. but i was expecting more. only because i saw myself in that first group. i tried. i shoulda got heaps better. i no some people who belonged in the second group and did alot better than me, that makes me feel even more shit. they got everything. its so not fair. i feel like the biggest idiot.. i dont even have any talents or things that im good at. i dont have a job. i have no experience. wtf am i gona do. i wish i had a talent like amy. shes so creative she can draw she can paint. shes smart. she can achieve so much. she noes what shes good at and she wants to do it. so that will make her successful. it could take her years but shell get there. my cuzin who belongs in the 2nd group didnt even become eligible for a hsc. but guess what hes gona do. hes gettin to take over his mums business the day he turns 18, he has a job, he parties, he has a car, he has a life. and he also has his own ambitions. he has talents. hes the greatest cartoonists ive known. argh so jealous. i dont have anythin im good at. i dont even no wat i want to do. my uncle told me my marks were bad, and then he goes i like u, ur intelligent. an insult followed by a compliment. thats so confusing. my mums pretendin to be happy. and using excuses such as u were stressed it was way to competitive. im not happy. but im not showing it. im acting as if its fine. i mean i have no right to be upset. i did alright. its just me bein stupid and jealous. but i guess ive been upset for awhile. even b4 we got our results. i hadnt cried for a really long time. for about a couple of months. and recently. ive become emotional again. crying. i guess its that build up. of hate. annoyance. scared. worrying about everything. i guess thats my worst thing. i worry. i keep worryin about both my sisters, both with different problems. 1 who has some sort of medical thing that no1 will tell me what the doctor said. wtf am i gona do. im so scared. sheddin tears and remeniscing about my past. i just feel really alone. i duno who to talk to. i feel really guilty talkin to my friends. they have their own lives. i dont want to burden them with my problems. and sometimes some of them make me feel worse. tellin me i did ok. i will be ok. i no i will.. but i duno.. i just feel like crying whenever some1 tells me that. i feel alone i guess. and on top of that ive been constanly feeling sick. everytime i eat something. i feel like throwing up. when i think of food i feel sick. my mum thinks its the tablets im on for my skin but im not sure. could be the weather or stress.. and my fucken pimples r gettin bad again. my skin is really gross and oily. and my hair is gettin curly again. i wana get it done. but i duno when. this entry is long sounds like an essay with no paragraphs and no intro and alot of bitching and complaining
in conclusion, i feel shit.