helps tears taste less bitter

The three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love and something to hope for. I dont have anythin to do... nothing to love.. and nothin to hope for...

Braces

I got braces today.

Why so serious? *evil laugh*

hrmm, so heres another entry that will make me cringe when i look back on it.. Right now, at this moment i feel a little lost.. or as my pm says like "theres an elephant standing on my head" maybe its because right now, at this moment i know something to be real. I realised that something i thought -might actually be true. But i know that it is in this moment, and that tomorrow i will continue on telling myself that it isnt true, that i just think it is for many other reasons. But right now. right now i know it. and it hurts to know the truth. I think that inside i know it, but its hidden by many layers that try to keep it away. I cant face it or deal with it; coz if i did, then i dont know what would happen. The unknown is what scares me the most. I cant talk to anyone about it because it is something that i have denied for so long, facing up to people would just be humiliating. What else scares me is the thought of being alone. I am alone in this moment. Sometimes i fool myself into thinking that i wont be alone always. That ill always have people around. But its not what i really want. Why cant some1 choose to hang out with me and want to be around me all the time. why havent i found that someone who wakes up thinkin about me.. bleh i feel like such a loser atm. I realised in HK only a few things that i was sure about. one was that i would not worry about the small things. the other was to go out more and actually live my life. My life doesnt revolve around work and uni.. and after my first week back, my life has gone back to how it was before i left. Ive worked everyday for the past week.. and next week doesnt look any better. Im working and have uni and thats all i seem to be thinking about. I wasted my days off thinking of where to go out, that actually going anywhere. I dont wana fall into that trap again. I dont want to be the same person. I want to live.

jetsetter - landed

just a quick catchup on my last few days in hong kong..
so tuesday - shenzhen tour: oil painting village, terracotta warriors (Canadian tourist touched one), lunch @ some place, shopping at largest shopping centre in Shenzhen.
wednesday - day in Macau.. ferry.. tried fresh Macau cookies.. make u really thirsty.. saw the ruins of St Paul.
thursday - slept in.. went to ladies market.. hrmm cant really remember what else.. mostly just packed.. oh and went temple street night market again..
friday - airport.. yay spent the whole day there.. flew at 7:20.. landed in Sydney at 10:05 or somethin Saturday morning..

just been working since, organising uni stuff, and my braces n things..
back to real life!

Day 7 - Day 11

Friday - Madaam Tausaads.. Victoria Peak.. took pics of very funny people.. and funny positions.. will post pics later on.. ask me to see some of the funnier privatish ones.. lol..
Saturday - Lantau Island - Big Buddah.., Cable Car.. Drinks @ Terrace Place.. 2 bars (1 turkish style).. cheap drinks.. sex on the beach, fuzzy navel, carribean melon, seabreeze.. cost 200hk less than $30.. woohoo..
Sunday - Disneyland rained so badly.. but got cool poncho..!
Monday - Admiralty Station, Ocean Park, intense heat.. sweat dripping.. went on the swings ride.. saw 4 pandas.. sooo cute.. one kept eating everything.. Pizza Hut (again), Internet Cafe
Been so busy.. cant really remember what we did.. 2moro we have a tour to China Shenzhen.. to go shopping n see the terracotta warriors.. we are running out of time.. but cant wait till i come back.. miss every1 xoxo

Day 6 - Hong Kong

Thursday- today we woke up late again.. around 11am.. good sleep.. but i had alot of dreams.. i dont remember all.. i think my cousins were in it.. and maybe Steven.. but i dont remember.. We stayed in our hotel for awhile.. ate Logan & Mangoes we bought at the market the other day.. except the Logan fruit thing was sorta off.. we left it out too long.. lol it was fun eating mango with a spoon.. coz we have no knives in the room.. then we went to Jordan Street Station and caught a train to Mong Kok. we explored the street full of electronics.. and then went to the Ladies Market.. found so much bargains.. best buy were these really cute mini voodoo dolls.. i bargained her down to 5 for 100hk. i think Anna said in the city they usually sell for about $12 aussie each.. so thats amazingly cheap.. if we go back i wana buy more.. i kinda regret not buying more.. but Anna points out all the time.. that i wont use them.. but u cant go past the cuteness!.. we had lunch at some tea room restaurant.. i had spring rolls. im getting to be a master of the chopstick.. hehe its so fun eating with them.. i wana buy my own and eat everything with them from now on.. we continued shopping.. caught the train back.. a return ticket only costs 8hk.. which is about $1.20.. pretty cheap.. but i guess we didnt travel that far.. we got back to our hotel at about 7pm... anna had a nap.. and i gave a few calls home n stuff... then we left again.. went to the Charlie Brown Cafe.. which i guess is an Americanized cafe.. i had a really nice ham & cheese toasted sandwich... i think we will go back there again some time.. coz the food looks good.. probably better than maccas... now sittin at the internet cafe.. lol as the days go on.. we leave the hotel later and later. and come home later n later.. we are gettin kinda lazy.. n sleepy.. but yeah.. hrmm if the weather is good 2moro we are gona go back to Victoria Peak, and visit Madam Tausaads Wax Museum.. i think we are going to Macau on Saturday..
hrmm anywayz.. i think i like being in Hong Kong.. i was supposed to use this time to think about my life.. and about what direction i wanna take it.. but its kinda hopeless.. im keeping busy.. and my time thinking is just spent missing things and people at home.. i guess if u calculate the things i value in life and the things i want.. it all comes down to people.. i cant live without my friends.. and i guess im most happy when im with them.. Anna is keeping me alive though lol.. hehe she walks the streets pretending not 2 no me.. and walks at an arms length away so i dont knock her out with my umbrella.. lol its fun.. i like annoying her sometimes.. hehe anywayz... i guess thats enough for today..
10:55pm here.. think im gona b on for another hour or so.. then off to hotel and sleep.. goodnight xoox

Hong Kong Day 4-5

Hrmm so these blogs are an easier way to remember what i did on each day..
ok so Tuesday...
yesterday we woke up really early for our Kowloon and New Territories Tour.. There were only like 8 people including us on this tour.. and the tour guide talked heaps about her life.. she was kinda annoying... lol i dont even remember what we did.. Oh yeah.. first we went to a street market.. where they sold fresh food, fruits and meat.. and by fresh i mean, u pick a chicken, by the time u come back its dead, skinned and ready to cook.. then we went to see the border of China and Hong Kong.. it was actually at this lookout thing that overlooked the border.. it was a good view.. but the rain made it kinda foggy.. Then we went to an old village.. like proper old style where people still live today.. it had a lot of history, and was pretty interesting. Then we got to go to the largest Taoist Temple in Hong Kong. That was cool.. i saw heaps of turtles swimming around... so cute! lol hrmm then after that we went to that stupid jewellry factory again.. I think all tours are sponsored by this jewellry company.. but yeah.. oh wellz.. after that we went back to our hotel and it was so hot and humid, after a nap we had a swim... then we showered and went out for dinner.. i just had maccas.. it wasnt nice.. i mean it was yukky.. it just tasted different.. the meat wasnt 100% australian beef =( awwww... hrmmm then after shopping some more at this massive place called Harbour City with heaps of designers (Jimmy Cho, Gucci, Prada, Fendi).. we went to the cinemas... the cinemas were an experience.. we saw Hancock.. good movie.. lol we got to pick our seats.. being us, we picked the back row.. wondering why no1 had picked it, we thought we were lucky.. Once entering we realised why it was empty there.. the seats arent stadium like.. they only go up a smallish hill, so peoples heads were in the way.. thats why when u buy pirated movies, u always see some1 walk past lol.. After the movie we walked home... its ok to walk home at night in HK... everything is open till 10pm officially... but every1 walks around.. the city never sleeps.. but we do..
Wednesday.. we slept in till about 11am.. then we got ready and went to have Yum Cha.. me being me, was hesitant for tasting foods.. but being on holiday i decided i might as well make the most of it.. so i tasted all sorta of things.. prawn things, dim sum things, meatball things.. some good, some not so good.. oh wellz atleast i can say i tried it.. after that we went to the hairdresser.. i basically spent 5 hours or more there. got my hair perm straightened, treatment, and cut for only 950hk... = less than $150aussie.. thats soo cheap its crazy.. then we went to pizza hut and got a pizza to share.. even the meat on pizza tastes different.. its quite upsetting.,..hrmm then we came to internet cafe. which is where i am now.. its only 9:15pm.. but im dead tired.. hrmmm its gonna be a mission trying to keep my hair dry for the next few days... i cant believe how different my hair feels.. i have a front fringe now.. and he cut sooo much off...
-some lady followed me down a street trying to get me to get a massage and pedicure
-there are tailors everywhere still tryin to get u to buy tailored suits.. do i look like i need a suit?
-its still hot and humid and wet..
hrmm yeh anywayz.. ill try to blog every few days with updates of my holiday'ing adventures.. lol

Hong Kong Day 1-3

Saturday - left Stevens house around 8:30, had maccas brekkie.. went to airport. caught first plane. China airlines... it was weird.. 9 hour flight to Taipei.. the lady sittin in front of me was weird.. she pushed her chair back.. and she wasnt allowed.. :( it was really uncomfortbale.. and the food they served wasnt that nice..watched about 3 movies...played games.. after about 8 hours i felt really yuk.. and airsick.. but i closed my eyes.. and fanned myself with the bard bag.. lol i made it..! we reached taipei.. and went to the toilet.. i threw up lol.. it was the apple juice they served on the plane.. then we caught another plane to hong kong.. the whole time i had my eyes closed.. this was 1.5 hour flight.. the smell was ewww.. like horrible.. but i survived.. we landed around 11pm in hong kong time.. got a transfer bus to the hotel.. arrived around 12:30 am.. lol they gave us a double bed when we ordered twin beds.. but yeh they changed it for us on sunday morning.. after we got our luggage upstairs checked out the view, we went and found us a 7/11.. (they are everywhere!) we got like all these drinks, icecream, gum and sutff for like 7 dollars aussie.. soooo cheap!.. we got back, showered and went to bed around 4:30am hk...
Sunday- yesterday... we woke up around 10am... got ready.. and headed out shopping.. walked around nathan rd... and some other places... found the main woolies equivalent - wellcome market... bought some more grocerys.. we ate maccas for brekky.. i had this crispy chicken burger meal.. and it was like a zinger burger meal but spicy as!... then more shopping, in and out of our hotel for small breaks.. we had dinner at a chinese restaurant.. and they served our drinks in metal beer type mugs.. found a cafe called pacific coffee which lets u use net for 15 min at a time if u buy a drink.. pretty much went to bed around 1am..
Monday - today woke up early.. and went to Kimberly Hotel for pickup of our first tour.. we caught the tour bus and went first to see the junks.. rode a sanpan... saw a dog on a fishing boat.. then went to a jewellry factory.. bought some stuff.. stanley market next, got some good bargains i guess.. i got a bag from 290hk down to 140hk.. pretty good stuff... then we went up to victoria peak... lookout was too foggy.. then we went down a tram car.. it was really really steep.. like a rollacoaster! then tour ended.. went back to hotel had a nap.. back out shopping on some other roads... forgot there names.. my sense of direction is really out of whack... we had dinner at pizza hut.. the most formal, clean and high classed pizza hut ive ever seen.. lol then we continued walkin around.. and found an internet cafe.. woohoo only 12hk an hour which is like 1.50aussie... cooliez.. anywayz thats it for now..

oh and some general info... weather is humid.. and wet.. very wet.. my hair has been dramatically frizzy and curly... and its ok.. its fun to walk in the rain.. everything smells different... like seafood.. and yukky sea water and stuff.. but some places smell ok.. theres 7/11 and Giordano stores everywhere.... traffic lights turn red, then yellow, then green.. so yellow = "get ready to go".. hardly any1 speaks english... just like simple money costs n stuff... hrmmm but all in all its ok.. 2moro we have a tour of Kowloon.. so better start gettin off and heading back to hotel soon... ill try and update now and again... i miss everyone and everything heaps already... so email me, comment, and sms.. its nice 2 get some contact from home...hehe

xoxo bye bye

wishes

To Do List:
Make a Wish List and not just a To-Do-List

If my heart could do my thinking, would my brain begin to feel?

Things change in life. They make you see things differently. Big issues that once were are now minuscule.... My grandmothers been in hospital for a week and 3 days and she isn't getting better. I guess in a way its good that its just a mental thing and not a physical thing... but its still hard. Ive only been to visit her once.. and i couldn't handle it. Is it wrong that i don't want to visit her? I cant stand to see her like that. I cant without crying. and its not like she is unaware of us. She sees us, she knows us.. its just like shes drunk. She remembers everything. I just cant do it. I don't have enough strength. I've been avoiding it because every time i think about it i want to cry.
More things change in areas of perception. Once you saw something in a certain way.. then something changes... or happens.. and it makes u see it in a different way,, This new perception changes the way u feel... and these new feelings are scary because it can affect everything that once was... How are you supposed to deal with it? What are u supposed to say or do?
I dunno the answer to anything. Im getting really tired of helping when i cant help myself.

anamnesis

anamnesis - the recollection or remembrance of the past; reminiscence.
I had a really really really boring day. And i emphasis the word BORING, I think i expected to much, and when my plans didn't turn out the way i wanted i just got bored. My boredom led to my thinking, and my thinking led to my reading of past blogs and such. I found this document about me talkin about something that happened, and it looked like i had directed it to someone. I dont remember the situation but i do remember the person.. I cant believe how i felt. Reading over that brought up old feelings, and i just remember how hurt and confused i was...
I was reading my blog from exactly one year ago, there werent alot of posts last year. maybe coz i had a life... but maybe because that was the year i decided not to be a drama queen and share all my feelings to the rest of the world.. But anywayz, reading the posts i had written i could just remember the feelings.. I dont ever want to go back to that place....
I think though i might be heading there again. To acting like the stupid girl i once was. The bored one.. The one who complained over stuff for no reason... ok maybe i did have reasons. But i dont want to dwell on those issues. I am not a "hippy" because i like to ignore certain issues in life. I just dont ever want to feel as bad as i have in the past. If thats selfish, then let it be. My guard is always up, and no one can enter. To be honest there are alot of things that i think about and even though i talk alot... i tend to ignore them. If you ask the right question u will get the right answer.. You just have to be clever in that way. I wish i had someone that really understood where i was coming from. Somone who doesnt judge me and take what i feel as "bad issues" as stupid drama queen stuff... I hate that i have no1 to connect with.. and ive been beginning to feel it more and more lately...
I dont know how to fix the problem and this kind of causes more confusion.... I think i find something, but then "anamnesis" reminds me again that i cant trust those feelings, that im just going to be hurt again. I need a hero... lately it seems like ive had to save myself...

disconsolate ♥

Disconsolate: Seeming beyond consolation; extremely dejected: heartbroken, dejected. 1, 2. sad, melancholy, sorrowful, miserable.
I'm scared of feeling like this...Lately.. I've been thinking alot about something. In the moment it seems like something i would enjoy one day. But then when i think about the effects it could have; - its kinda scary. Its like i want something but that something can end up ruining everything and could leave me feeling disconsolate. Sometimes i want to act upon the feelings, but then my mind wanders and i start thinking again and i STOP.
Today me Prameeta & Steven went and had pizza, totally spur of the moment... and it was really nice. I had a uni info evening thing to go to.. but i just didn't wana go.. I sat in my car for 20minutes before i walked inside because i couldnt make a decision if i should go to uni or not. If i didn't go maybe there was a chance i could just hang out longer. But in reality i just went inside, went to my room and sat in the dark lol...I honestly don't know why im at uni.... I always choose life over it. I leave early. I leave assignments last minute. I cant be bothered. I want to because inside i know its right, but the other half just wants to have fun. I want other things. I dont want uni to become my life. and only my life. Its so stressful...I wish i had other things.... I guess i just have to wait, sort out my feelings and figure a way to choose the right decision over what i really want.

Bored & Ignored

bought a car like 2 weeks ago. its kinda sad that my Volvo is sitting there by itself all bored and lonesome. Just like me lol..Maybe someone should drive it. I guess its just gona have to wait.
So Hong Kong is officially happening 5-18th July. Yep...

I know I'm kinda strange, to you sometimes
Don't always say, what's on my mind
You know that Ive been hurt, by some guy
But I don't wanna mess up this time

And I really care
And I really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cos I don't want to lose you
If you really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothing to you

Confusion

Rainer Maria Rilke once wrote: Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.

Overkill

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations....

....

acrimony

I'm so angry and hurt and about a million other things. Every time i think about anything i just get a rush of emotions and get confused. I feel really lost. I haven't felt this way in ages. I have so many things i need to do. So many thoughts. I cant control any of it.
Yesterday my car broke down in the middle of the road at a traffic light. I wanted to cry. It was really embarrassing, coz everyone kept asking if i needed help. And i was really worried about what was damaged. I was scared someone would hit my car coz i was in the middle of the road waiting at the light and it wouldnt start. This incredibly gorgeous guy came over and asked if i could move my car. Lol he was so cute.. I drove it down to the hungry jacks and he walked over and looked at it. Even though by that time my mum was there as well. He turned out to be a mechanic and he told me that i had a hole in my radiator. hehe i kinda think that he was lookin for a job but it was still very nice. Anywayz my dad brought my car home this morning and im gettin a mechanic to fix it tomorrow. Argh but it probably wont be fixed till about tuesday. This whole day ive just been really upset about my car. These past few weeks my car has been getting "sick". I think someone jinxed it, probably me. I kept sayin how even though it was ugly atleast it worked. But my bumper bar is fallin, my left blinker doesnt work, my car fills up with water on the right passenger side floor, my speedo hardly works, my cd player wont play my cds and now i have a hole in my radiator. Lucky i had today off work.
Today i had no work. Thats why ive had alot of time to think and dwell and get angry. Im waking up to whats happening around me. Ive been avoiding alot of things. Work has kept my mind off life. I have so much things to do before Christmas and i don't know where to start. I need to go to the doctor and get that thing off my face. Heaps of people have noticed it now and im getting really self conscious about it. I also need to get my second cancer shot thing and get my ear checked up from last time when i didnt go back. I have to go to the dentist. I need braces. I need to make appointments at my beautician for various waxing and my fake tan that i wanted to get. I need to get my hair done. Either straightened permanently or styled or wateva. Plus my sisters bday, i need to help organise that and get her a pressie. Not to forget xmas either. And then there comes around new years and i need to plan that.
I need to figure out whats going on with my family. Coz atm im not liking and have this anger toward some of them. Why do people turn around the anger to make it your fault. I know im not the only one who sees what she does but why am so annoyed? why do i care? grrr i hate it.
Catharsis - the purging of the emotions or relieving of emotional tensions, esp. through certain kinds of art, as tragedy or music. I need to vent.

Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance is a psychological term describing the uncomfortable tension that may result from having two conflicting thoughts at the same time, or from engaging in behavior that conflicts with one's beliefs. I finally have a term that explains how i feel all the time. Even writing this, i have this feeling and conflicting thoughts. Should i write about how i truly feel? Should i forget about it? Arghh everything is driving me crazy.
I am sad. But I am busy which makes me happy i guess. I'm so confused. I think i'm stuck in a rut. I'm living in the past. Or just hovering, waiting patiently for my life to start. But nothing is happening. And i'm waiting like an idiot, hoping for something. But i've given up. Now im just confused as to what i should do. I feel like maybe if i just crawl into a little hole and sit there and be a hermit crab all my problems will be solved. But then my other thoughts or what i would tell other people, would be to get out and fix my problems. I'm just so sick of helping everyone else out especially in my family, to get little or no thoughts from anyone else, I'm so sick of being second in everything. I'm always losing out in all aspects. I'm sick of being alone. I know what i need to fix me, but i just cant be bothered anymore. I'm sick of it. Theres nothing i can do about it. I hate waiting. And i don't know how to fix it. I don't have the resources. I just give up. I have given up hope on the fairytale. I just want anything. I don't care. I don't wana be good anymore if it means i'm left with nothing. The problem is i don't know how to be bad. I don't know how to change. What to do. I don't know. I hate people of the way they treat people and their actions. But at the same time, i envy them. For the ability to be so cruel, to be so devilish or wateva u wana call it. I envy people for just having a life, for talking to their friends, for living in the now and the future and not in the past or the 5minutes ago. I thought that being who i am, being good has its rewards. But reality proves that it doesn't. I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't know how to act or what to do anymore. Thus, my cognitive dissonance.

Champagne for my real friends; Real pain for my sham friends

Today i had an assignment due at 6pm.. I started and finished it in about 8 hours.. and it sucks so bad.. I'm really embarrassed about the quality of it.. but at least its done... Dreading the results, but there is no point on dwelling on it now. Even though i have another like 5 more assessments due soon, i took the rest of the afternoon off and had the longest shower I've had in ages.. and i painted my nails a sexy red colour..
I was thinking alot about aims and goals.. and realised i don't have any.. I mean other than finish uni... I don't have anything i want to achieve. So i started thinking what i want done by the end of next year.. I aim to lose weight.. Maybe about 10kgs. More if i can. Get braces. Finish uni, at least with a credit average. I would aim higher but i am being realistic. Im gonna have a killer graduation party or maybe just keep it crazy 21st, I'll see how it goes.. I want to learn an instrument/skill/join a class. I was also thinking i want a boob job.. hahaha and by the time I'm 30 i want to be a millionaire.
Oh yeah and i was thinking how my old high school friends are now family to me. Even though i don't get to see you, talk to you or go out with you guys. I'll always be there and i think that even after not seeing you guys for like 10 years or something, i'd still feel comfortable around you. So if i haven't seen you or spoken to you guys in ages, dw your my family ill never forget about u :P *insert awwww* hehe

ok The End.. <3>

вυѕу αѕ α вєє

So, this is week 6 of uni. Wow, already. I can't believe how fast its going. I've been so busy. I had 3 assignments due last week, and i got 1 due on Wednesday. Ive been working about 3-4 days a week. Work is good, I've been getting more responsibilities and more hours.. If only i didn't have assignments I think i would be pretty relaxed. But my assignments and stuff takes away all the spare time i have. Its really annoying.. I don't have time to go out at all. and I'm so bored. and tired. I just want to go out, and not feel guilty about my assignments. I just wanna have fun. I guess its only a year and a bit left.. But still.. I dunno if i have the patience. I would love to be working full-time. Only because once you leave your workplace you don't have "homework". So the time i spend at home will be guilt free. Grrr... I dunno. I'm just bored and tired and its only getting harder. It just seems that in life, one person cannot have everything. family, friends, work, money, love, health etc. In life, i think that your only ever able to have about 2 or 3 at one time. Or maybe its just me.. I feel incomplete. *sigh*
Can't wait for Justin Timberlake's concert! It's gonna be sexy! <3 yay

spiderpig, spiderpig

Spiderpig! Spiderpig! Does whateva a spiderpig does. Can he spin a web? No he can't, hes a pig! Lookout! Its spiderpig! Haha i saw The Simpsons movie last Friday.!! Wow so much has happened recently. Let me update.

• Haircut//yukky fringe and dyed darkish brown Thursday 19th July
  
• Melbourne Trip Sunday 22nd-Wednesday 25th July
• Friday saw The Simpson Movie-Saw Akansha there! <3
• Sunday Iraq vs. Saudi Arabia final soccer Asia Cup. Woohoo Iraq won!
• Tuesday i.e. Today Uni started again!! I have uni on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursdays.
  

Obviously, heaps more has happened, but they are minor details in the bigger picture. Throw in work over the past few weeks. Oh and my cousin from Englands been here. Over quite alot. Hrmm... Nat got her hair perm. straightened. Errmmm... yah.. little annoyances mostly from missing my friends, or having the lack of time to talk to them, or hang out. But ive been too busy to actually dwell on that. So yah i guess all is good. Gona go read Harry Potter!. Omg ive been so busy that i havent been able to finish it. If i had time, i would have finished it in a day. But i can only read a few chapters at a time. =( I'll finish it eventually. Till then, noone can tell me what happens!