Thursday, April 26, 2007

Clueless

Im upset atm, i duno why. I just noticed and this sounds so stupid but i realised that .. i cant even explain it. But like if i talk to someone for a long time... then if theres a fallin out.. then i never talk to them again. Like a few guys in my past.. never speak to them now... But then i realise other people who also spoke to them, still do. So why is it only me? Its not that i dont want to talk to them. i really do. but why dont they talk to me? Obviously i should maybe approach them, but its been way too long. I guess im just jealous that im sorta left here alone and my past is sorta forgotten. I dont even think these people remember me. That totally sux. and i have no idea why they dont talk to me anymore. Never had any arguments.. just drifted i guess. and its happened alot.. like maybe more than 5 guys or wateva. why? whats my problem? Do i make guys feel awkward? and like even at uni.. this guy was avoidin me coz i talked to his bro (he might not even be related to him)? Well recently his bro hasnt come online as much.. and then when i saw him round he kissed me hello n acted normal again? huh? like im totally confused...
Today, i was annoyed and i duno why. I was supposed to let steven know if i was gona go hang out with him or wateva.. But the thing is i didnt even know when or where he was plannin to go. I told him that i would let him know coz anna was gona sleep over n i didnt know what i was gona do.. So he msgd me at 12.. but i didnt get it till close to 1.. I had just woken up and anna had just left to go to work when i actually read it.. and yeh.. he seemed angry at me that i hadnt let him known if i was comin or not. fair enough. but what got me annoyed or wateva was that how was i supposed to know when i should msg him if i didnt know when he was goin. So if he was at lunch at 1, when i received the sms. and if he sent it at 12.. well wouldnt that mean he had already left or was about to leave to go? Steven if u read this clear it up, coz theres no point me bein annoyed coz ur annoyed at me for no reason or a misunderstanding... Grr ive just had too much time to think lately.. and ive been upset about alot of little things.
im also annoyed because ive been hanging with my sister heaps. thats not the problem. i honestly have fun with her and her friends. and ive been goin to parties and meetin new people and all that.. makin new friends.. they arent all younger than me some are our ages.. but the thing is.. like once they find out we are sisters.. everythin goes weird.. and then they all become closer friends with amanda.. and then what kills it is that they start referring to me as amandas sister.. for example, someone calls them and asks who they r with.. they reply.. im with blah, amanda, amandas sister, etc.... so i become separated as someone whos just a tag along and a bum. then i start gettin all frustrated coz amanda keeps tellin me they love hangin with me, im fun and all that.. and she tries to reassure me that they like me as a friend as much as her ... but i know or i can tell that im her sister. and ive been forced to hang with them coz i dont really have alternatives.. and my sister constantly teases me about not goin out much and all that.. its not my fault! grrr.. i wish i could go out all the time, and i didnt have to organise stuff. oh and like i reallly do like all the parties and people and stuff.. but then i cant always be myself. i have to be the older sister. like im the designated driver most of the time.. so im stuck not bein able to drink... and that sux.. but i duno.. and my sister tries to help me relax n make it better.. but yeh.. last week or week b4. went to party in my lil neighbourhood section so i had a drink, coz i can either walk home or wateva.. but the party ended coz parents got pissed, and this guy we met invited us to go over his mates house.. and i kinda forgot i had a drink, but i followed him to like fairfield/wetherill park area.. and i seriously was so nervous when i remembered i had a drink... and the guilt i feel... lucky i didnt get pulled over.. i had fun.. but it would have been more fun if i hadnt been worried about driving while i had had a drink. and also the guilt of comin home late.. it kills me.. if i was out bymyself i could stay out all night and come home at 7am without my parents caring.. my dad cares more about my sister, and it has nothin to do with age.. my mum told me once its coz he thinks shes easily persuaded and pretty stuff. so yeh we got home at 4am from this other party and since then my mums been makin us come home at "reasonable times"
anywayz the dilemma is that theres a party on saturday of the guy who invited us to his mates house.. so we only have known him for 2 weeks.. but like we hung out n stuff the other day and hes mates with like my sisters friends n stuff.. n he told us to sleep over.. so i can drink.. like how nice to consider my fun'ness.. but yeh.. i duno if i should.. should i be the older sister and not drink... and like just have fun sober.. stay as late as possible n go home.. or should i go, and drink.. and who knows.. and stay the night.. lying to my dad where we are? i dont think id be able to drink even if i didnt have to drive home.. id still feel responsible for everyone else... hrmm.... i duno....
Ok.. hrmm do u think u can be friends with someone who doesnt trust you? And can u trust someone who u dont really like or arent friends with? Just somethin to think about i guess..