Sunday, April 13, 2008

anamnesis

anamnesis - the recollection or remembrance of the past; reminiscence.
I had a really really really boring day. And i emphasis the word BORING, I think i expected to much, and when my plans didn't turn out the way i wanted i just got bored. My boredom led to my thinking, and my thinking led to my reading of past blogs and such. I found this document about me talkin about something that happened, and it looked like i had directed it to someone. I dont remember the situation but i do remember the person.. I cant believe how i felt. Reading over that brought up old feelings, and i just remember how hurt and confused i was...
I was reading my blog from exactly one year ago, there werent alot of posts last year. maybe coz i had a life... but maybe because that was the year i decided not to be a drama queen and share all my feelings to the rest of the world.. But anywayz, reading the posts i had written i could just remember the feelings.. I dont ever want to go back to that place....
I think though i might be heading there again. To acting like the stupid girl i once was. The bored one.. The one who complained over stuff for no reason... ok maybe i did have reasons. But i dont want to dwell on those issues. I am not a "hippy" because i like to ignore certain issues in life. I just dont ever want to feel as bad as i have in the past. If thats selfish, then let it be. My guard is always up, and no one can enter. To be honest there are alot of things that i think about and even though i talk alot... i tend to ignore them. If you ask the right question u will get the right answer.. You just have to be clever in that way. I wish i had someone that really understood where i was coming from. Somone who doesnt judge me and take what i feel as "bad issues" as stupid drama queen stuff... I hate that i have no1 to connect with.. and ive been beginning to feel it more and more lately...
I dont know how to fix the problem and this kind of causes more confusion.... I think i find something, but then "anamnesis" reminds me again that i cant trust those feelings, that im just going to be hurt again. I need a hero... lately it seems like ive had to save myself...

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

disconsolate ♥

Disconsolate: Seeming beyond consolation; extremely dejected: heartbroken, dejected. 1, 2. sad, melancholy, sorrowful, miserable.
I'm scared of feeling like this...Lately.. I've been thinking alot about something. In the moment it seems like something i would enjoy one day. But then when i think about the effects it could have; - its kinda scary. Its like i want something but that something can end up ruining everything and could leave me feeling disconsolate. Sometimes i want to act upon the feelings, but then my mind wanders and i start thinking again and i STOP.
Today me Prameeta & Steven went and had pizza, totally spur of the moment... and it was really nice. I had a uni info evening thing to go to.. but i just didn't wana go.. I sat in my car for 20minutes before i walked inside because i couldnt make a decision if i should go to uni or not. If i didn't go maybe there was a chance i could just hang out longer. But in reality i just went inside, went to my room and sat in the dark lol...I honestly don't know why im at uni.... I always choose life over it. I leave early. I leave assignments last minute. I cant be bothered. I want to because inside i know its right, but the other half just wants to have fun. I want other things. I dont want uni to become my life. and only my life. Its so stressful...I wish i had other things.... I guess i just have to wait, sort out my feelings and figure a way to choose the right decision over what i really want.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Bored & Ignored

bought a car like 2 weeks ago. its kinda sad that my Volvo is sitting there by itself all bored and lonesome. Just like me lol..Maybe someone should drive it. I guess its just gona have to wait.
So Hong Kong is officially happening 5-18th July. Yep...

I know I'm kinda strange, to you sometimes
Don't always say, what's on my mind
You know that Ive been hurt, by some guy
But I don't wanna mess up this time

And I really care
And I really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cos I don't want to lose you
If you really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothing to you