ι ℓσνє уσυ вυт ι нανє ¢нσѕєи ∂αякиєѕѕ

It's just one of them days,
When I wanna be all alone.
It's just one of them days,
Don't take it personal.
I just wanna be all alone,
and you think I treat you wrong.
I am so tired. The end. Haha well its Saturday night, and ive spent Thursday, Friday and all day today shopping. I went shopping with Prameeta on Wednesday as well. Grr so much shopping, and im so tired. Andd still not finished. Im too tired to even write. But yeh, i have to let some stuff go.. I just feel like running under a shell and hiding like a turtle. Everyday i do something or nothing, then hits midnight.. and i cant remember what i did, and the day that had just ended feels like it was pointless. Going church tomorrow night, and i dont wana go because of all the people, and the weather (though i love this rainy coldy weather ill prob get wet standin outside waitin to go in). And then christmas lunch at my uncles house, which not every family are going to be there because of stuff.. Then boxing day family bbq at my house, all day running after lil cousins. Im tired just thinkng about it. And all the cleaning we've been doing just for a few days, and the house gets trashed anywayz. And then new years eve, and i still dont know what im doing. Im to tired to think about it. I know i want to do something, anything. But what? and i dont want to go to a club or the city, which is where normal people want to go. But im too tired. I really want to go to a park, and sit on a nice picnic rug, with ablanket on top of me, nice fresh food, and just lie down and look at the stars and fireworks. Away from people, under the nights sky. But im too tired to look for a secluded park with visibility to fireworks. =( I want to go on a holiday, then i have no one to go with, and im too tired to bother organising that and asking people. Why cant what i want just happen? Argh my brain, my body, my soul are tired. I just cant be bothered. I want to be connected to share to be with to think alike. I want. Everyone has christmas wishes and lists. All i want is someone. And no, i dont have anyone in mind. Not even romanticalism, Just someone. Its hard to explain. But atleast i know what i mean.
This year is nearly over i cant even count the amount of days, but soon. And this past year i have changed, i have forgotten who i was. I once was an individual, i was strong, i was creative, i was me. Now i am someone else, i follow and have forgotten how to lead. Therefore, my new years resoultion is to be me.
People say its selfish to only think about yourself and what you want. But sometimes worrying about everyone else and their lives, and how their lives affect you, makes u tired. so the best thing to do is be alone, and by urself. I know that this wont last, and tomorrow when i wake, i will be back to thinking all the time, but for atleast the next hour before i go to bed let me enjoy this not thinking and just being in the moment.

вυяи fσя мє

on thursday i went to the beach with Belinda.. and i got soo soo sunburnt.. the worst ive ever been burnt.. so ive spent the past two days at home. with minimal movement and clothes.. lol sounds so funny.. my i have to like lie on my tummy.. cant really sit down too much coz the back on my knees are so burnt!!. and just wearin a singlet hurts my shoulders.. ouchy.. tried so many creams.. aloe vera,cucumber,, and the grape seed one amy recommended.. when finally i just settled on good ol' sorbolene.. which seems to be doin the trick.. and am now able to walk up stairs.. with only a little bit of pain.. im hopin by 2moro mornin ill be able to sit coz i wana drive! lol.. anywayz yep thats it.. oh yeh and i passed all my subjects.. yay :D i was so scared.. what a relief... goodnight :D

єνєяу иιgнт ιѕ αиσтнєя ѕтσяу

Your life's a solo run, and even the crowd that's cheering you want you to fall over. They love you when you win, but they love it even better when you lose. - John Marsden
Every night is another story. The day keeps me busy, then nights come around and i start to think. I thought i was over this. But now, the more time i have, the worse i feel. The only solution is to keep myself busy. Ive been reading books, but i think thats only made things worse. It makes me think even more. Then i cant sleep. And im back to where i was once before.
Its like a part of me knows whats happening, it knows whats wrong, it knows what i want. But i cant seem to fix it. That part isnt strong enough alone to fix the other part thats so lost and confused. Its like my life has been re-winded and im back here again. I can see what is going to happen, i know whats to come and i cant seem to fix it. I dont want to continue this routine, but i cant seem to stop it or escape. I wana keep living in this dream world. Why now? why do i have to wake up now? Why is it hitting me now? Why cant reality just piss off and leave me alone? Then i look at this entry, and i look at my past entries.. and it makes me wana continue in my dream land.. Ive become something i dont wana be. I dont wana be like this, i dont want to complain, i dont wana face how i feel. Why cant i just run?

ι gσт тнιѕ ι¢євσχ ωнєяє му нєαят υѕє∂ тσ вє ...

so theres been alot on my mind lately.. and i duno what ive been doing, but i cant seem to let it out. Im not able to write how i feel anymore. It feels as though i cant say what i want, because i just dont want to be that sad person anymore. I cant be the weak one, I HAVE to be the strong one. I cant let people know how i feel, because they think something is completely wrong with the world, and they just feel worse. I cant let anyone know. I cant. I hate not being able to feel, coz i know that one day im gona break. i dont want that to happen. My holidays started not even 5 days ago, and im bored. I have no aspiration in life atm. I have no goals, i dont have anything i want or need to do. Im stuck in limbo, until someone comes and saves me. I need someone, am i just waiting and dreaming for nothing? I need hope, but im scared to hope, just in case nothing changes.
I wana know whats going on, i wana know what this is, i wana know how i feel , and how he feels and whats happenin, but what happens when ur stuck in this routine, and ur becomming friends, and thats it.. its not my fault i dont know how i feel. its my life. i cant feel, i cant get involved, i cant do anythin because i have no goals. I thought that living every day as it comes would help get through, and it has. but its left me with nothing and no one. I dont know what to do. and this not knowing scares me.

мσσиℓιgнт ѕнα∂σω

Today, i had my last exam for the year. Its over, and i dont wana think about what im gona do when i get all my results back with fails. Im scared, but id rather not think about it atm, and deal with it as it comes. Im so sleepy, the past two days i woke up at 4:30am to study and left home at 6:45 to get to uni at 8. Then had exams at 8:30. I am so tired and sleepy, and on top of that i am extremerly sick. Im on antibiotics for a really bad cough and swollen tonsil. =(
My brain has so many thoughts in it, but im too sleepy to deal with any of it. I need to write a list and organise my thoughts so i can have a stressfree holiday. Maybe ill just read a book that i borrowed from the library when i was tryin to avoid studyin. Procrastination is an art in which i am skilled.
Hmmz, anywayz im tired and confused, and too many thoughts to write down right now.
Till next time, Samantha
xoxo

Guilt & Sickness

Feel so guilty, havent studied at all yet. and i have two exams, on tues and wed. i hate uni, i dont wana do any work, i cant wait till the holidays. i just realised i wana b alone on new years eve, i plan to go somewhere isolated, and lie down in a park with my ipod alone. Thats how i plan to spend it. i dont wana be with people i dont want to talk to anyone, i just want to be by myself. update. went iceskatin, movies (borat), maccas yesterday. Spent friday, drivin round parra, church st maccas a few times, roxys, krispey kremes n maccas in livo.

Let's waste time chasing cars

Today, i worked with my aunty, i cant believe how physically tired i am. Just about 12 hours non-stop work, with barely even 5 minutes break to sit down. Atleast we finished on time. The picture on the right is the finished result sorta. its hard to see, but tthe main table area has material on the roof, the main table has fairy lights n stuff, there are bamboo sticks with butterlies on it, and on the roof as well, and i did the two pots of trees. Hehe dont they look like real pot plants? They really are, two large empty sorta hard plastic brown pots, full of this stuff startin with O, and heaps of single branches of this type of plant. And i had to stick them inside the special things and make them stand, and spread out like a tree. Do they look good? Hmmz anywayz today i had to put knives, forks, spoons, napkins, plates, 4 different types of glasses, tealights (candles), table numbers,and all these other things on about 53 tables, which equaled 530 people. Plus i had to do some chair covers n ribbons. Below, you can see an aerial view of some of the tables.

yeh, so that was my day. Long and tiring. And my cousin Shane may have broken his pinkie finger while decorating this cruise ship with my mum!. Damn poor him. And i got to see Joe who i havent seen in ages. Aww he came to work when he had a date. Then his gf got pissed off at him for doggin her coz they were meant to go to a bbq together. lol

Yeh and i really really wana dye

my hair blonde, and i found a pic of my perfect "dream hair" its over there ------>

a few people have told me not to go full blonde, but i dont see whats wrong with it. I dont really care if it doesnt suit me, i just want a change. I dont wana be who i am anymore. Whats wrong with bein blonde? i reckon its prettyful. Just wonder if my hair will look like her hair, coz its so straight, and i luv the cut as well. Not sure if i can have the exact thing. Oh wellz, maybe ill become a gradual blonde.. Dunno. Any

ideas?

hehe, im so bored, just waitin to see if anyone interestin comes online at this late hour.. bleh okz.. Enough babblin tonight

Samantha

xoxoxo

"Hello, my name is borat. Pause. Nooot"

hehe, omg Borat is so extremely funny!! i did not stop laughin throughout it, except for maybe a little disturbing scene, involving naked men on top of each other, coz i got a tiny bit scared. But omggg so funny!! Loved it!!..
so today, i woke up, at 1:30 after a bad dream about a father n son havin a car crash then dying. But then they turned into ghosts, and i was one of the ghosts, and we were trashing some house!. woke up, went to pick up Nat and diana from school. Came home. Then went to pick up amanda from Livo station. Came home for like 1 minute. Then went to a car auction, but such a rip off. They were old cars selling for the price they came out as. Nonone was even bidding, so funny. The auctioneer kept giggling coz no1 was buyin anythin. then i came home. Got ready, left with my sisters embarking on a journey to see Borat. I put petrol, and yay nothin bad happened this time. Then went off to search for culture club in fairfiled, where i was to pick up Ashton. Lol. then we drove quickly to make it to the cinemas at 10:15. We got there with 3 min to spare. But the line was so long. It was so packed. We finally bought our tickets. Went upstairs. Then the lady refused us entry!!! omg i felt like crying so much. She said that we need parent supervision for my cousin n sisters coz i was only 18 and not a guardian. We went downstairs after asmall debate and argument, and asked to return our tickets and all the food we bought lol. The food returning was funny. But the guy who took the ticket, remmebered me from when i bought them and asked if i told her i was 18 n stuff. then he went to talk to someone. And he came up with us, and told the lady who seemed like the manager, that we were allowed in. Yay. lol but it was so bad coz we all felt like shit by then, but as soon as we walked in, we didnt miss anythin, cinema was packed. But we found four seats at the back row. Yay we were so lucky, good seats, and didnt miss a minute of the movie. Anywayz, i really recommend it. Its so satirical and so funny. I actually found myself feelin sorry for Borat. awww... and ewww. and hehehe.
"My suit is black....
........
........
.......
NOT!"
lol.. poor chicken and bear.. and pamela anderson.
ok ok enough now.. gota sleep, have work tomorrowz with my aunty.
Goodnight, sweetdreamz
Luv Samantha xoox

¢яαѕн

Today my mum woke me up at 1 coz i had a phone call. It was Prameeta, yay what a good way to be woken up. Lol =) It was good talkin to you, i feel bad i havent called you in ages. I went to Fairfield, and bought some dvds n stuff.. then went to pick up my sisters. Then i went to pick up my cousin and we went to the movies at stockies. Santa Clause 3, it was a good cute movie. I love christmas movies. Tomorrow i have to go to an auction with my dad at around 6.. then gona go pick up my cuz, and take him n my sisters to the movies to watch Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. Hehe session at 10:15pm at stockies, if anyone wants to come =) cant wait, wanna see it so much.. its so funny. Omg i bought family guy season 1 and 2, soo soo funny.. Oh watch "Crash", its so good. Its sad, and a little disturbing but it leaves you thinking.
"It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something."
- opening lines of the movie. Its really deep and meaningful, i recommend it to everyone =P
anywayz msn has been annoying me so much, coz it hasnt been workin too good. Emailing is an ok alternative, except it takes to long, and you get sleepy..
Anywayz, thats enough.. Just wanted to update.
Bye byez
Luv Samantha xoxo

ѕтяιкє συт

yesterday, my mum woke me up around 8am. Then again at around 10. Then i woke up at 12. Spent the day playin games, and watchin movies. Then at 5:45, left the house, dropped my mum n nat off at my cousins house. Then went to Austral to drop of amanda at some guyz party. Then went bowling for annas bday. Yay it was so fun. Played two games, in the first one i came second n then i came last. lol. oh yeh, and i won a free game for gettin a strike. I like bowling. After lots of people left, i took shelly home. Wow she lives so far away.. not really far. but seemed far coz of that one long road. and she said i was actually an alright driver. Yay =). then i went to pick up my sister, except i missed the turn-off.. maybe on purpose. coz it was too early to pick her up. So i went to kfc n just sat in the car for awhile, called her n asked her if she wanted to go home yet. She didnt, so i went to the party n decided to bum there for a bit. Omg so many goths/punks/emos/people dressed in alot of black with bands on them. Hehe. I saw Ferraris, Rhys, and matthew.S. hehe no wonder jason didnt go to annas! he was good, hadnt had one thing to drink. But every1 else were kinda gone... My sis was a lil tipsy, so had to wait around till her friends went home n she settled down a bit. Felt so out of place coz i was wearin like a yellow dress, next to about 50 ppl in black. But dw jason tried to get me inside the conversations by talking about trees, that conversation lasted a whole 10 seconds. Cameron was so drunk it was funny coz he didnt know he was, i told him to go eat n drink lots of water.. Hehe i felt like a mum. I had fun yesterday. Woke up at 11:55am today, the time ive been waking up this past few days. 11:55am, because 12am doesnt meen 12 noon, it means midnight. And ive made that mistake many times before, and slept in till about 1 or 2pm.. =S I better change my sleepin patterns, been sleepin around 3am.. or later. and waking up late. Not good for me at all.. =)
Anywayz, my hands are sore now from too much typing and playin games, and bowling..
Luv Sam xoxo

му ℓιfє αѕ α qυσтє...

Jean Paul Getty once said: Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train - Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you're just sitting still?
Am i in life moving with it, or am i sitting still while life moves leaving me behind??

вυт ιтѕ вєттєя ιf уσυ dσ...

On tuesday went bowlin.. Wednesday got my ps, went stockies, Thursday went stockies.. Belinda got her friend to request songs 4 me haha funny, Friday, uni, Krispy Kremes, mounties, Saturday Fairfield, Livo, Parra.. Sunday home..
Hmmm,,, im so like bleh atm.. its so weird.. finally got my laptop hooked up wirelessly.. so good.. stuvac is this week.. i duno whats goin on these days with anythin. i dont even know how im feeling.. like my brain isnt even working.. i duno how im livin each day.. ican barely remember what i did today.. thats y i wrote down a quick list of things just so i can remember 2moro.. i hate forgetting stuff :S
I cant explain what im thinking, or feeling.. but i wana run away.. i dont wana face anythin. i have exams comin up. so much pressure and stress for 4 days.. not even 12 hours altogether. Why? Why? whyyy?? I dont wana study.. i just wana go out... i wana sit and play games and watch movies without feeling guilty..
i wana go out, i wana pierce my nose or tongue or chin or get a tat.. i wana drink n do drugs n be bad... but i wouldnt... ever..... arghhhh...... stupid moralities and responsibilities..!!!
there are so many people, and so many things that ive been avoiding. and i dont care. and i dont want to care. and i duno if what im doing is right, but i dont want anyone to tell me that its wrong. why cant i do somethin without people questioning me? why does everyone fake interest, when it doesnt even matter. why cant i write how i feel because im afraid i will be judged? why cant i say what i think without thinking twice? Why does being honest cause problems?
----------------
"Sometimes it’s easy to feel you’re the only one in the world who’s struggling, who’s frustrated or unsatisfied or barely getting by. But that feelings a lie and if you just hold on, just find the courage to face it all for another day, someone or something will find you and make it all ok. Because we all need a little help sometimes, someone to help us hear the music in the world, to remind us that it wont always be this way, that someone is out there. And that someone will find you."
Im still waiting for that someone...

fяєєdσм

yay today at 10:05am.. (well just after 10:05) i got my Ps.. yay :D
i put petrol for the first time.. it spilt all over me.. i felt like crying.. and still do.. how embarassing
my cuz david proposed to his gf katarina.. so cute.. congrats to them :)

нσω тσ ρσѕт αfтєя 10 dαуѕ...

Its been 10 days since i last blogged. Or i think its been that long. Ive been pretty busy with uni i guess, amy akansha n steven came uni on friday.. and friday night i went out with Belinda n her friend Tina.. =) It was fun haha.. Today had a family BBQ.. lots of lil kids and babies.. These days ive been livin like not here. It feels good.. Havent been worrying, havent been thinkn. Just goin with the flow. Im doin stuff and not thinkn twice.. I guess its good.. But im scared that its all gona hit me at once.. oh wellz.. just gotta enjoy THE NOW. and ill be fine.. Livin in the moment rox.. <3

ωιтн тιяєd єуєѕ, тιяєd мιиdѕ, тιяєd ѕσυℓѕ ωє ѕℓєρт

haha i dont know whats wrong with me, i had a driving lesson again today. I get so nervous when i drive with ur mum Prameeta. lol i have no idea why. Im normally a good driver i promise! Today i made so many lil mistakes it was so embarassing. I was a better driver last week.
I feel like ive talked to much today, and im so tired. Went shopping.. saw some guy from uni who works at the telstra shop, so embarassin coz i wasnt expectin 2 c any1.. he shook my hand.. lol we introduced ourselves coz we didnt know each others names. But hes been in my class this whole semester. Lol how weird. i thought his name was peter.. oops.. Yah.. tired. but wana watch veronica mars and one tree hill tonight. got group meetin 2moro at 10:30.. stupid last assignment. Speech :S 20%. but last assignment for semester.. and then all ill have are exams.. yay nearly over.. 45 more days =) the countdown begins..

BTW- u can now play pacman on my blog page.. and there are random quotes (just scroll downwards), and if u click on the google ad on the side, i get $$ hahahaha, thanx for supporting me through uni =P *click click*

вяσкєи нєαятєd

Im so upset, i cant stop crying. I feel so bad and i dont know what to do. My sister broke up with her bf. I feel so bad for her. His sister left a nasty comment on her bebo, i dont want my sister to get teased. I want her to fit in. She was happy when she was with him. I think. Now its gona go back to the same old thing. I just want her to have friends that actually care about her. Why cant they be normal? I feel so sad because she acts happy when shes not. Her friends told the school shes depressed, and they recommend she see a doctor. Our doctor asked her to speak to someone. I dont know if she is. But it hurts so much to have ur sister being sad, and feeling like she cant talk to anybody about it. She didnt even want to tell anybody why she was going to the doctor but my mum told me. I really shouldnt be tellin everyone/blogging about it. But i dont know what to do. I feel so sad, i feel her pain even though she doesnt show it. I really really dont know what to do. I feel like in my family i have to be the strong one. My mum choose to tell me coz im the oldest. Now i have the biggest burden. She doesnt have depression, she just feels sad alot. Thats still pretty bad. For her friends to notice it. To tell the teachers, who have also asked about her and questioned her. She said she doesnt like school, she doesnt wana change schools though. Why? Why wouldnt she wana try to fix the problem? I feel so like separate from that side of her. I cant talk to her about it, coz firstly im not meant to know shes sad, secondly she chooses not to speak to me about some things, and she gets defensive if i ask stuff.
---
I hate when people lie and make excuses if u dont wana go out coz u cbf just tell me. Dont fucken waste my time tryin to make excuses n stuff, If you wana do something specific just tell me. Dont go to other people telling them the reason u dont wana go iz coz u wana do somethin i dont, or that i wana stay out longer than u want to. Is it my fault? Why waste time? why go around in circles. Spend 30 minutes trying to think of something to do, then in the last minute say how about we wait till someone else can go as well.??? huh? why? why make plans with someone including myself without even asking me? why lie and say that u need to study when ur not actually going to study? Is it my fault for wanting to spend time with people? Is it my fault for trying? Sometimes i think its not worth the effort.. Maybe it isnt. Maybe i dunno.. And dont say im picking on u, becoz other people were honest about their reasons. I wouldnt be pissed if you didnt want to go, but why did u lie? Im not just caught up on one event, its been a few. Dont think im "pickin on u" coz im havin a shit life. Your not that special for me to pick on u. I dont care if this is harsh, coz its the truth.. and sometimes people should be honest to save themselves.

αℓℓ тнαт ι αм

So much feelings duno where to start

• HATE uni
• Dont like people at uni
• Dont like attitudes of people
• Dont like bein ignored
• Dont like not bein able to do what i wana do
• Dont like not bein able to talk to friends
• Dont like being jealous and envious
• Dont like not being able to have deep and meaningfuls
• Dont like not being able to talk to those that i once cared about
• Dont like fake people who "act"
• Dont like my life atm
• Dont like my family "acting"
• Dont like being used
• Dont like not being invited out
• Dont like not being able to "like"
• HATE being alone
• HATE not being able to write how i feel

Feelin so bad lately. I just hate everything at the moment. The best way to escape it all is to ignore, and to continue in this boring loop of my life. I just need an esacpe, i wanna run away, i dont wana deal. I just wish somethin better could come along. I mean my destiny and fate cannot just be this. It cannot be only this. There has to be more. Cant it just hurry up and work out for me? Whats the point of being good, when only bad things happen to you?

σвѕєѕѕισи

Woke Up at 4am. So Extremely Emotional. Eyes Hurt and Water. Tired. Sleepy. Obsession Preventing Sleep. Stay Awake. Pay Attention. Happy. Sad. Ambiguous. Need Sleep.

Weird Holiday Thingy..

well i havent been to uni for this whole week.. its like ive actually had two weeks off, instead of one. i feel so guilty... like on tuesday i took the day off to do my assignment due on wednesday.. and then on wednesday meant to hand my assignment in.. had such a hectic stressful day i dont even wana remember it. but belinda my hero saved me. and i handed my assignment in about 55 minutes late.. but 5 minutes left to spare in the allowable time my lecturer nicely gave me after hearing my situation. today i had the day off.. except coz its 2am.. this entry probably says friday.. but yeh.. so tomorrow (friday) i have uni at 2pm.. i feel weird.. lol and i dont wana whinge now coz i dont wana be annoying.. but yeh..
i talked to prameeta today.. and im so gona hire ur mum soon.. but im scared.. what if i smash her car? or if i do somethin n then she hates me.. or what if i do somethin then i accidently swear.. and ur mum gets all like weird... omg .. haha i dont really swear.. but like what if... haha
Feelin so sick in my tummy too.. stupid nausea!
hmmz.. gotta sleep soon.. but i really dont wana go... i dont want tomorrow to come..!

ѕтєρ υρ

Today, well seeing that its past 12. Yesterday, i went and saw step up. It was such a good movie. It made me cry! =) haha yah.. recommend it.
Well.. hmmz.. im so bored atm. today i guess. Monday. is officially the last day of my holiday. I had so much planned for it, except i havent done anythin. Only been to the beach twice, and movies. Thats it. and yeh.. im so bored and alone atm. Noones on msn. Sometimes i like msn when i talk to some people.But i hate it that i dont talk to anyone special anymore. Like i havent added anyone new in such a long long time. And i dont really want to. I dont like making friends with randoms anymore. But the people that i have on the net, that are hardly on that i like talking to, never are on when i wana talk to someone. Its so annoying. There arent that many, but they are always fun, and always make me smile. I wish they came on more often, just to entertain me. Krishy just nudged me. Thats all he does. He never talks to me.. Grrr.... I wanna talk to someoneeee. I feel so whingy.I hate being alone. I feel so isolated. I also sometimes wish i was more out there. That way people would be more comfortable talkin to me about stuff they think i know nothing about. I hate it when people avoid subjects coz they think i dont know anything about it, or that i have no experience in it. Makes me feel very immature and small. I wish i was different, but then i hate it when people agree with me. Like im just rambling atm, coz im bored, and waitin 2 c if anyone comes online. I havent given out my email addy or phone number to anyone in years. Its so sad. Like i mean other than school or uni people. I havent gotten a random phone call either in such a long time. Argh so alone.
I have an assignmnet due on wednesday. I havent started. Its worth 35%. Crap. Just wana have fun and hang out with people. But noone to hang out with. =(

ѕσмєσиє яєѕ¢υє мє!!

Faking a smile

Had a bad day, everything seems to be going wrong. I guess ive had two bad days in a row. Today i found out i have officially been ripped off by my laptop. I was falsly advertised and it took me all these months to find out. Not only can i not connect my laptop to my tv, i do not have bluetooth or infrared capablities, which were one of the main reasons i bought it. I called up Acer today, and they said that the model after mine, had those, and they used the same casing for both. So yeh, i basically bought the shell, without the insides. =S and i have the worst luck, Acer laptops dont have the plug which every single other brand has, (except dell) to connect it to the tv. Which was another reason i wanted a laptop. Annddd.. my video card is screwed, coz it overheats and my screen turns purple. The best they could do was tell me to bring it to this place and they will take a look at it. Which is bullshit, coz another reason i bought this computer, was coz Acer has this home-to-base policy, where they pick it up and fix it and drop it back home. Well helllooo, i cant even have that done.. Arghhh such a large amount of money, wasted, on a not-so-good product. I feel so ripped and pissed off. It took me ages to decide which one to buy, and now when its too late i find out that i was lied to. The day after i bought it and realised it had no master cds for xp, and no office, the guy offered me to return it. I should have said yes, and not felt bad for the guy who sold it to me... So the past two days, ive been tryin to make my laptop better, figure out whats wrong with it, and try to connect it to the tv so i can watch all these movies i just got. But noo, thats not gona happen. So ive wasted TWO whole days doin nothin, basically to find out that i was ripped. And like all these small things keep happenin to make my day worse. Like i was lookin forward to eatin this type of food, and then my mum didnt get it. I duno y i was so annoyed at that, but i dunoo. If someone tells u somethin, u get excited, and then its taken away from u.. it just sux.. =( My room is messy, and im pissed at that as well. I have assignments due next week n the week after, and quizzes, which i dont wana do coz i dont wana ruin my holiday, but just thinkn about them annoys me.. And this game i play isnt working for no apparent reason..Arghh i wana break out of this loop, i need to have a good day. I have to think positive.. =(
I hate time. Time wasted.

мιѕѕιиg - ωнєяє αяє уσυ؟

"Sometimes you just can't explain to someone what your feeling inside, why the tears run from you eyes, or even what caused you to cry. Sometimes the feeling your holding within is a pain with no language of words, it's something not even you understand, but nothing compares to the hurt. Sometimes the cut that lies in your heart is a wound to great to be healed and the person you've always turned to in life is a person who's no longer here. Sometimes life's to much to deal with and you need someone to care, but when you turn to scream for help you realize no ones there. Sometimes when your desperate and no longer see the light, when your voice is tired of screaming and you're ready to end the fight, that's when your heart begins to write pathetic lines, that rhyme, which no one seems to understand, so your soul continuously cries."

i found that on this space. I can relate to that so well.
I dunno whats wrong with me. I have no idea. I feel so out-of-place. I thought i was over all of this. But i guess im not. Im beginning to think and think and overthink. I hate it. I wish i didnt think, i wish i didnt have the ability to worry. I wish i didnt care.I hate it. I hate being like this.
I wanna be different. I dont wana be the good one anymore. I wana do somethin extreme so people dont think of me like i am. I wanna be different. But then that becomes a problem, i already feel im different from some people. I feel like i dont fit in anywhere. I dont know what im meant to do. I feel like im stuck in between to worlds atm. The world i love my safe world, and the new world i wana experience. The people in both worlds are different. I just wish that both worlds were the same, i wish that i could fit into both. I wish i wasnt different. I wana be different enough to fit entirely in one world, but i want bits from both worlds. I feel split between who i am, and who i wana be.
Its holidays next week. Im so annoyed like really annoyed that my plans have been ruined. I wanted to go out every single day, i wanted to make a scedule and everything. I wanted to have fun, and actually have a fun holiday. Not just spend it at home, stressin over the work i have to do before i start uni again. But now, i cant do any of that. Everyones busy, have tafe, or school. And its too hard to try and organise around everyones timetables. I cant b bothered. I just wish that stuff i wanted would just happen. and i didnt need to plan them, or organise them. I think im just annoyed at myself for making unrealistic goals for the holiday. Its not like my friends would wanna hang with me every single day every single minute. Everyone has their own lives. I hate that, i wish that everyone could just be there when i wanted. I know thats selfish. But argh. i cant explain it. If i was busy, then i wouldnt have to think. If my friends were around, i would b distracted.
Arghh and i have no feelings. I duno whats wrong with me. Spring is in the air, which means love. Everywhere i look, new couples r forming. People are liking people. crushes and infatuations. I feel like so lost. I feel like i dont belong. I have no feelings, i wana like but i cant. Whats wrong with me? Ive been hurt so much, but i just wana get over it. I want something new. I just wana b alive again.

нуρσ¢яιтє

I feel like the biggest hypocrite atm, but only by accident. I didnt know what i was doin was what i did. I don't wanna say it specifically what it was, to me it wasnt a big deal. But i made it a big deal to someone else, and its just embarassin if i admit doing it. Arghh ok, i accidetnly read my sisters chat log. Ok it was accidently read, because i was checkin to see who ive spoken to the most, and i saw my cousins email addy, and i couldnt remember when i spoke to her, so i opened it and read it. Then i realised it was my sister. And its not my fault, coz im on my laptop, and hardly any1 ever goes on it. I thought all the chatlogs were mine. But i still feel like i invaded her privacy :( and i dont wana tell her, coz i read somethin she wants to keep secret. Im more troubled by what else she said, like shes been feeln really shitty lately, but i dont think she has. I think shes just exaggerating or somethin, i mean i knew this is how she felt ages ago, from what she wrote in RO forums, and stuff like that. But i thought she would be over it now, i mean nothings really happened to make her that upset, the way she described it. Well her best friend moved away, but she has heaps of new friends now. How bad can she really be feeling? Anywayz her secret is very cute. Me & amanda thought we knew, we already knew to some extenet. But i feel crap coz y would she tell my cousin Kathryn n not us. I understand her n Kat have this weird bond. But she told her she couldnt tell us coz we'd get shitty, but its not true :S Anywayz i feel crap coz i read it.
hmmz.. anywayz.. today i got a high distinction for an assignment =) i should be like really happy, but i feel weird. Most people in my class didnt get to good. And before i got my assignment back, i honestly didnt think i would get a good mark. He gave a whole speech about how the class didnt do too well, the average was only a pass and stuff like that. I had only spent the night before working on it. So was kinda stressed. I got the mark after my friends got it, who only got avergae to low. When i looked at it, i smiled and was like wow had no idea i would get that. anywayz the whole calss were complaining. This girl made a comment how people who spent the night before doin it got good marks, and how it wasnt fair. And my friend was like annoyed how he marked hers n stuff. Everyone were complaining. My friends even made fun of this bimboy girl who did better than them. And now i feel crap. Like what if i wasnt friends with them, would they be making fun of me too? I feel bad for complaining before i got it back, but like it wasnt my fault. I honestly thought i didnt do good. So now i cant even enjoy my mark coz i feel guilty :S

ѕтυиg ву α вєє

Today was multicultural day at h.p.h.s woke up at 8 with only about 3 hours of sleep, and made finishing touches to my assignment, got ready and then Prameeta picked me up. Went to pick up Akansha, kinda got lost, lol but found her eventually. It was weird to go back.. like a dream. But good to see everyone again.
Went to uni at 1. had my tut, lol and while i was walkin to the car park, thinkn about how good the day had turned out, my foot began to hurt. I looked down at my toe, and there was a BEE! omg, it was eating my toe, quickly i swished it away, but the pain.. Oh the pain :s it had stung me. It was so embarassing, im standin there, holdin my toe, with this facial expression full of pain. i musta looked like a freak. Argh i have never been actually stung by a bee, and now i cant get the whole image outa my mind. I was so scared, and it hurt so much, i didnt know what to do. I just wanted to go home and cry. It was awful. Im so tired now, my foot hurts, its actually swollen =(
Watchin My Best Friends Wedding. wow what a classic.

ωнєи ѕнιт нιтѕ тнє fαи

arghh.. i only woke up 1 hour ago, and im already having a bad day. Had a massive argument with my dad. I hate it, so much. I don't know why i even bother. I cant keep quiet, and let him be how he is. He doesnt care, he doesnt know that what he says hurts. So i tell him, and he just has big arguments. Its so stupid. Over the tiniest things. The definition of a job. He asks me, i tell him. He gets pissy coz i dont think like he does. All he cares about is fukin money. He doesnt get it. arghh just the way he acts, talks, does things. I hate it. i just wana leave. i wana go somewhere else. escape. anywhere. I hate living around him, near him. Ive tried, Ive tried not talking, ignoring him, avoiding him. But its impossible. It wont work. Someone has to speak up, put some sense through his head. And i cant go anywhere, my mum. She doesnt want me to go. and my sisters. argh i dont know what to do. His morals are completely different to mine. atleast i take the time, and try to understand what hes sayin, but all he does is degrade me, and say that what im sayin is stupid. Im only 18 he thinks becoz im "young" im stupid. I bet i have the same mental age, or even older than he does. He starts arguments, and its so immature. He tells me, if u want me to respect u, then sit here quietly and listen to me. When im already cryin n angry. He just wants a reason to treat me like crap. He knows im not able to be quiet, when he talks shit. I dont know what to do. I have an assignment due tommorrow and how the hell am i meant to concentrate now when im pissed, crying, and angry. What do i do? Im 18 years old. I need to live. I cant live here. No one can. How much longer do i have to deal with it? When am i ever going to be able to fix it? I cant be around him. He thinks his right as father, lets him treat me like crap and call me selfish and stupid. Those exact words. How is that going to help me be calm and sit and listen so he can respect me? He said what i do is bullshit, my studyin and all that. He said i dont know anything. I mean what the fuck am i doing then, if its bullshit? Why do i even go to uni and study, if its bullshit? I just need to escape. I cant stand any longer.

ѕυммєя иιgнтѕ

It is officially spring, and im not happy. My memory gets triggered by all sorts of things. Smells, sounds, songs, etc. Even weather apparently. Tonight, theres this heatness in the air, the sounds from outside, the atmosphere. It just reminds me of a time where i was happy, when i didnt know what would become of it. Now i know better, and just remembering, makes me sad. Last year, at this time, we were finishing high school. We were graduating. We were about to sit the most important exams in our lives. It was such a stressful time, in my life. I dont want to remember. Last year, Last Spring, Last September. I was different. I was able to feel. Now, im a blob. This summery type of night, reminds me that i am alone - bymyself. No one can help me. There is no control. No control over the weather, no way to keep cool; no way to control my thoughts. Its weird, Im weird, i know. People try to help me, give me advice, make suggestions to change who i am. But it doesnt work. I know what i want, i know how to achieve it, yet i dont wana act like someone im not, and do things that i wouldnt normally do. So i stay the same. And stay boring, and weird. Do i (or does anyone) have the right to complain that i dont have what i want, without actually trying to achieve it? Or trying in a way, you know not possible.

*OMG pinch and a punch 4 the 1st day of the month.. ~no returns~*

too sleepy to blog, ill finish it tomorrow maybe when im a little more awake *YAWNZ*

ρℓєαѕυяє αи∂ ραιи

atm.. i feel so weird. you know when u hit ur funny bone.. and it kills, but u wanna laugh? or when u fall on ur ass, and u feel the same.. u wana laugh, but cry? somethin happened to me and i have no idea what it is.. but i feel like that. My body is touching the pleasure vs pain zone. Its hard to describe but its somewhere in my back area. and it hurts, but i wana laugh.. and then i feel like crying. Omg wat if i broke my nerveous system. Yeh. =( any1 know what im on about?

сℓчb-норріи'

Last night, Michelle picked me and Kathryn up around 9:30 and we headed to the city. First hit "Red Room" @ Hotel Chambers, it had really good old skool music.. It was so good there. There werent any sleazy type people, maybe coz the crowd was older. But it was excellent. I had a shot called "pink pussy" lol where they get the names, id like to know. Some guyz bought us 2 rounds of drinks with a mix of Alizé and somethin else. Not random guyz, just michelle's friends - so it was safe. Oh yeh Michelle knew the bouncer at Red Room, so we got in for free, with no waiting lines. She rox!
So then we decided to hit another club. On our way, cops pulled us over. Shit! lol. but with our clever excuses, no RBT was given *luckily*, just a fine for turning right in a "no right turn" lane, and for not displaying P Plates. Lol..
Then we decided to go to Docks or somethin, but when we got there it looked shitty with hardly any1 there. So we went Home Bar instead. Once again Michelle knew the bouncer there, we got in free with no lines! YaY =) I got a song dedicated to me by the MC! Yay lolz.. Good music there to. But the crowd was a little younger.. so there were some sleazy ppl.. But not to bad. I had a "Vodka Sunrise", which tastes soo much better than a Tequila Sunrise. Then we went upstairs to "Strangewayz", Michelle knew the bouncer there too. We stayed a bit while she talked to him. But there ppl there looked like they were on drugz so we didnt bother stayin.
Then we just walked around the city a bit. And ended up drivin down to "Harry's Pies", which is the place to be after clubbin. Its in Wollomollo.. Or whatever its called. Anywayz we had hotdogz at harry's pies lol. Had heaps of fun. Altogether i had about 7 drinks and a shot last night. But i didnt get drunk, and no hangover =(. (not that i want a hangover). Hehe got home around 4. Pretty early, but a good time so i could get enough sleep.
=) Today im just tryin 2 catch up on everythin. Gona start stessin soon. But oh wellz.

мєитаℓ-нєаℓтн

so, i woke up today feeling like i needed a mental-health day off uni. It may have been because i had 14 hours of sleep. But i duno. I was just in a lazy, slow, sad day mood. I think i still am. I had 14 hours of sleep, because last night i went to bed at 9:00. The earliest ive slept in years. I slept only because i had nothing to do. It feels like (and ill use the words i learnt at uni 2day) that i am "unconscienciely competent". I am doing my everyday things profficiently, yet i am doing them unconsciously. Like im not there, or dont realise what im doing. Its like driving, the more practice you get the less you think about what ur doing. You could drive from ur house to somewhere and not remember the trip, because you were unconsciously competent in acheiving the task. Thats my life. I go to uni, i come home, and i do the same thing all the time. It feels like my life isnt my life. "me" isnt a portion of it. theres uni, family and every1 and everything else concerned in my life is changing and moving yet i am the same.
Argh i hate being not pretty. I am overlooked all the time. I duno if thats because i am ugly or my personality. I mean why? why? I dont get it. What dont i have that every one else does? Its just an ugly day/week/chapter in my life. Where i am blah and i just dont have what it takes. not just guyz.. anyone and everyone. I have no friends at uni.. I have like maybe 1 or 2. and every1 else is there friends. even my friends from last semester arent my friends anymore, they have become friends friends.. Like this girl who i talked 2 last semester, and was in my class. Now shes in like 3 of my classes, but when she talks she speaks directly to my friend. Shell ask her if shes goin to the lecture n stuff like that without even looking at me. Its so annoying. Noone pays any attention to me. I try to speak up, but i feel like an idiot. I literally get ignored. I might have exaggerated bout gettin ignored. but people do. not all the time. but it happens.
argh im just sad and alone =(

иоѕтаℓgіа

I was looking through pictures from last year, and then it hit me. I miss how things were, i miss the people, i miss the less stressful situations, i miss the past. Remember when we were younger, and nothing mattered. The only thing you had to think about was what cartoon you were going to watch when you got home from school. You thought the world was filled with nice people, that everyone has to like everyone else, that things you wanted would be given to you. We took so much for granted. Friends, Love, Family. But now, its like we need to work for all the things we want, the things we need. Its not possible to just sit back, and let someone else worry about you. Things don't just magically work out. We need to think for ourselves, we need to physically do things for ourselves. We need to worry, we need to plan, we need to organise, we need to work. They say ignorance is bliss, but with age comes wisdom and respobsibilty. As we grow older our minds grow, grow with knowledge, concerns, worries, thoughts, plans. This responsibilty is overwhelming. Everyday we are faced with decisions that could affect our future. Your one little decision could change destiny and lead you into a whole different future. These thoughts scare me.
Before i make any decision, my mind goes through a sequence of questions. Im faced with questions like what, where, when, how, why, and the why and how become intensified. These questions get analysed further, with questions such as is it worth doing? will it benefit me? will it hinder my relationship with others? will it affect my life in a positive or negative way? etc. I think that if i wasn't faced with these questions every single time i wanted to do something, i would be a completely different person. I would be doing something else. I wouldnt be at uni, i wouldnt have the friends i have, I may even be living on my own somewhere. But because i choose and decide the things i do, this is what i have. Sometimes i wish that i was a different person. Someone who did what i really wanted to, someone who didnt become shy, someone who was able to do things without any consequences. I wonder..
---
I havent blogged in awhile, i dont know why i havent. Sometimes i feel like hiding in my room, not talking to anyone. Other times i need people, i need to talk to survive. I just get in different mind sets. Life is filled with variables and controls. My controls include, my going to uni, who my family are and thats basically it. I think that the overwhelming amount of variables in my life is what makes me worry. My variables include, who my friends are, what i do each and everyday in my spare time, on my weekends, on my holidays, who i talk to and who i dont, what i eat, where i live, the environment, the weather, transport, trains, buses, planes, cars, car accidents, accidents of any sort, crimes. There are so many things i am not able to control. I wanted to go on a holiday. For two whole days straight i was planning and organising to go. Trying to convince my mum to go with me. Thinking of what i want to do, where i want to go. After two days of going nowhere. My thoughts change. I begin to worry about how ill get there, what i need to get there, what i need to plan. It hurt my brain just thinking about it all.
---
I feel disconnected and awkward talking to anyone. I feel really withdrawn as a person. I am not social, bubbley, talkative, crazy, or whatever i once was. Music in my life is important, i always try to keep up with new songs, but recently ive also disconnected and im listening to old songs, not paying attention to the lyrics or even the music. Im not sure why i am like this, and im not sure what it will take me to become connected to the world once more. But i hope i can change and be how i was once. I havent had a 'deep and meaningful' with anyone for such a long time. I actually havent cried either. It sounds like a good thing, but im not sure it is. I dont want to be one of those people when they're 80, they live in a small isolated house, with cats or dogs as my only friends. I want.. Im not sure i want.. Im not even sure what i need. Im just loafing, drifting, waiting for something to hit me. What if nothing hits me?

тчиє-іи

Well, i don't know why i am exactly blogging tonight. I'm not really in the mood but i guess i needed to tune-in. Uni has started, its going pretty good. I'm liking my classes so far. But heaps of work to come. Oh and we have lectures in this new smaller room, so its easier to check out the guyz :) Um.. been really really sleepy, and tired. Must be coz im sick. But what can you do? What else? Thats it. Still feel pretty much isolated. There isnt really anytin to look forward to. Just tired i guess. I really wanna write and write and talk and talk, but i can't. It feels as though theres stuff to say. But its not comin out. I'm just too tired to think, and write, and isolate whats been bothering me. I just need time to sleep, get caught up on my thoughts, and figure it out

Edited: 2-08-06 10:30pm.. If my status on msn is "away" or "busy", please forgive me for not coming up to you, to talk to you. My gosh, seriously, *rolls eyes*.

fояℓояи

The title this entry, is perfect. Forlorn Appearing sad or lonely because deserted or abandoned;Forsaken or deprived. Exactly how i feel, even though i havent literally been deserted or abandoned. Ive been home in my room by myself for so long, that im feeling beyond bored. Its not even boring now. Its just "bleh". I feel so isolated and alone. Sometimes i don't feel like talking to anyone, i want to but i dont. I dont know why. Its weird. I feel so lost, i cant remember what ive done in so long, because i haven't done anything. My life (verb) is a blur. a tiny pigment of my life (noun). I need a new word for life. I dont even know what i'm doing anymore. I dont even want to do anything. Its strange. Anywayz.. today i was on the computer, and there was this cat meow-ing and it was so annoying. I didnt even know where it was. I looked everywhere but i couldnt find it. Then i just figured it was me neighbours meow-ing for some odd reason. It went on for like half an hour. How strange. hehe.
I woke up at 9 this morning, The first time i've woken up before 12 in a long time. I had to register for my tutorials. It was so crazy. I ended up havin 5 days a week of uni. I was so stressed. But eventually it worked out, and i now have thursday off. And i have a friend in 2 of my tuts, and 4 of my lectures. So that means i only need to make new friends in only 2 tuts. So thats alright :P
How long does someone have to wait to talk to someone who has just totally drifted? Do you ever talk to them again, or do you continue to ignore, and allow driftiness? Should you let it go? Okz.. Sleepy
Goodnight xoxo
Luv Samantha

party

lol..well last night was my cousins 21st. The alcohol dilemma was solved when his younger brother, brought alcohol from his room, downstairs, and went and bought some more. I had my first ever shot, called a "quick fuck" hehe.. how exciting. It had Baileys, Kaluha, and Midori in it. I thought id be smart a just drink it, not knowing that u are meant to skull for a reason. I nearly threw up half way through it,but managed to skull the rest down. Lol it was so funny.. apparently ur meant to skull it becoz the baileys is meant to go down first, and line ur throat to protect it from the stronger stuff. I think it was gross, becoz now i know that in fact i do not like the taste of baileys. But yeh.. hmmz... i also had 2 smirnoffs and some mudshake stuff.. that was pretty good for a chocolate milk type drink. And i dont even drink chocolate milk.
the party began boring, but got heaps better. The rooms were split with Daniels friends in one, his cousins in another, and the other side cousins in another. But it was good, because my older cousins were really nice, and actually talked to us and had proper conversations. I dunno if it was me but usually they seem so 'old' that they cant be bothered to talk to us. but i think since me and kathryn turned 18, weve sorta stepped over the barrier. Its really good.
Today i woke up at 1pm.. and yeh.. been a boring day.. only 1 more week till uni.. and i cant wait.. but in a way i dont wana go bak.. coz this semester i no that theres heaps of work to do.. :( oh wellz
*yawns* bye byez

єиичі

Ennui - the feeling of being bored by something tedious. My days are so repititious, that its become hard for me to remember what i had done the day prior to today. anywayz a really short blog. Dilemma needs to be solved. Please comment with input. Ok Saturday is my cousin Daniels 21st bday party. He said no alcohol is going to be there. He doesnt drink at all. He doesnt mind if other people drink. But he is against it for himself. His brother said we could bring if we wanted. I want to. But i dont want to. If i drink, then he might feel left out coz every1 might be drinking. If i dont drink, i want to, and every1 else might be drinking. So what do i do? Do i bring me own? Or do i not, and be a good cousin, Most of my other cousins will probably drink. Basically every1 but him. So what would you do?

Dостоя Dостоя

I went to the doctor today.. renew my prescription. got my blood pressure taken.. 120 over somethin..i 4got the number.. but its normal.. he even said its perfect. Yay im perfect :D id never had it checked b4.. andwe were talking about food and stuff.. and he said i get morning sickness.. which explains my nausea from some smells of food.. and loss of appetite. I cannot touch pizza.. and some foods.. lol its so funny.. explains everything.. Oh im not pregnant. of course. just a syptom of my acne medicines. i couldnt stop laughin. dunno why..
anywayz the whole argument is over.. i apologised properly coz he said he didnt mean it when he said he hated me.. and yeh.. i just realised we've been friends heaps longer than the argument was and would have lasted. and it wasnt worth it. so its all good.
anywayz thats it i guess.. i feel like going shopping 4 new clothes.. gota buy somethin 4 daniels 21st next sat. gota get him a pressie 2.. hmmz ok.. sleepy.. 2 weeks left till holidays r over.. who wants 2 go 2 a drink and food making day at some1s house.. most likely mine? if people r interested i will probably organise it.. if not.. leave it till a day some other ppl r..
goodnight..
Luv Samz xoxo

.

fucken shit, talk about attack... recruiting members in his army, i am hurt. fucking hurt, "I want you to know, that right now i hate you so much..you have made me feel like just, arghh i dont, i teird to fix things..i..im speechless, i never knew this side of you existesd, this cruel side, evill side, you blame everything you do on anrgy..well you are angry in living form" quoted directly from BOB. so if one can exhibit so much hate towards one, do they ever truely get over it? He talks about attacks? Hypocrite. Guess who used my name in their blog? Guess who talked about me to others? I dont understand why its ok for you to make trouble between people. Why is it relevant what CATE or LEMMY or JESSIE said about me? You tell me oh dont tell JESSIE that i told u what she said coz i dont want trouble. Then why the fuck did u tell me? why would you say this to CATE. Why is it relevant? "B.O.B... says: CATE dont ask me..she thinks im bitching about her to you..ask her" I dont care if JESSIE said "im speechless, why is she doing that" after reading my blog. But why did u tell me? Why is it relevant. You are gathering an army against me, Recruiting. Even without the knowledge of those innocent bystanders. You are using innocent comments and shoving them in my face for some sort of proof.
You act as if you are over it. And you say this by saying we can now be "net friends". What net friends? Is that what kinda friendship you want? Id rather no friendship to somethin fake. Because thats what it is. You are being fake. You want to be the better man, to help with your recruiting. I apologise to you right now without you asking me to for blogging about you. And im sorry if you see this as an attack. Because you probably will, and you will probably use this against me. But who cares ok. Thats it, Oh btw the reason why u couldnt call me, or i couldnt call you, is because i know if i have another argument with you on the phone i will cry. Because using your words. "As usual" i will cry. Of course.
You cannot say you hate me, apparently apologise for that, which isnt relevant and then want to be friends. Or supposed friends. Once you hate someone thats it. Ive seen it with other people. I wont mention any names because i am not going to use things uve told me in trust as revenge. But once you have said you hate someone, you treat them like shit, pick on them, bitch about them, and never really befriend them again. So i cannot befriend you or net friend you if i know you hate me. Thats it. The end.

тімє↔шаяр

I am so lost and confused atm. So much has happened, and it feels as though i havent been apart of it. I was involved, but i was just watching. I cant remember most of it. All i know is that i am angry-->upset--> and pissed off. Which by my definition mean the same thing rolled in one. Well, as it seems, it is now illegal to mention any names in blogs.. under the law of BOB. because i cant mention his fucken name. i will write bob.. what use is that.. people still know who im talking about. What kinda argument is that over the most stupidest things. I dont understand what happened. One minute fine, gettin over the previous argument.. and then bob pops up and starts a new argument about me blogging about the old argument. What i hate is that i said like whateva just 4get about it/get over it.. or just move on and i wont talk to u anymore or be friends or whateva. Bob continues arguing.. and when it suits him he ends the convo by leaving and saying thanks blah endin the friendship. Why is it a competition? some people always have to have the last say dont they? Bob complained that my blogging may have influenced others in our group to think differently about him, but i dont think it had.. hardly any1 reads this. Tomorrow we had organised to go to the city. After the argument he emailed JULIE and said he isnt going anymore. So when he had previously joked about not going because i was going.. he was in actual fact telling the truth. My blog isnt going to ruin any1s friendship with him, him withdrawing and acting like and in no way offense intended 'a spoiled brat' is going to ruin friendships. And because the argument from what i interpreted was about me blogging and using bobs name.I had somehow crossed this imaginary line in his head. Im so frustrated, to me this seems so stupid, im not angry, i dont hate bob, it seriously feels as if i wasnt involved. Maybe bob was arguing with himself but using me as a medium. I have no idea what happened. I guess its a waste of time, me thinking about it. Its bob's problem, he needs to deal with it and figure it out. I dont see that i have done anything wrong and i dont feel i need to say sorry. But if any1 thinks i was wrong, tell me and i will apologise it. All ive done is defend myself against remarks and accusations about myself, i may have sworn but that was all in defense and anger.. But other than that, i duno what ive done wrong...
Bleh.. whateva..

шнџ??

WhY? wHy? WHYY?? and again.. another argument with steven. Why do people think they know me? Why do they use this to judge me? arghhhh its sooo stupid. Just because i become defensive i started the argument? Just because i said that you pissed me off its my fault? why would u want me to tell u if i get pissed off straight away but when i do it pisses u off? Why do u always use excuses such as i called to start a fight coz im bored, i have pms, im jealous, or im just in a pissed mood to help verify my anger with u? first of all, u called me first to get me to call u back coz u have no credit. and second of all why the fuck would i be jealous? its so stupid. ur the one who became all competitive and wanted to prove somethin to me. i saw it as u showin off and puttin me down. When u make excuses for me, i see it as u puttin me down, and making me feel small like a little kid. Theres no respect, Even if u may be smarter than me coz ur doin science and all that crap is not the reason i become defensive. its the way u act about it. u dont have to make me feel like an idiot because i do less hours of uni than u. in normal circumstances with a stranger i wouldnt give a shit becoz it is true. u do more hours than me, it may even mean that ur smarter. but i dont care about that. i only care coz while ur 'bragging' about it, ur puttin me down. and u have no right to judge me, and say that its my fault becoz i have issues and insecurities about my marks n stuff.. that has NOTHING to do with it.. but as usual u dont give me a chance to explain why i really am pissed off, u just rush off to start blaming me and making excuses for why u think im pissed off. i deal with so much shit from u, its ok for u to get angry with me, and require for me to apologise to u, even if i feel i havent offended u.. but the one time.. well i guess its the 2nd time uve really pissed me off, and i confront u about it. u turn it into ur argument with me, and blame me.,. and i end up feelin as though im the one who needed to do the apologising. Its so bloody annoying, ur so stubborn. and its only with me that u have arguments.. You think u know me, but u dont. noone really knows me "I've known a few guys who thought they were pretty smartBut you've got being right down to an artYou think you're a genius-you drive me up the wallYou're a regular original, a know-it-all Oh-oo-oh, you think you're specialOh-oo-oh, you think you're something else"Lmao how funny is that.. exactly.. i dont give a shit anymore. i give up.. i dont wana be nice anymore. i am not gona give in. im not gona apologise for gettin u pissed off becoz i was pissed off.. its so funny the whole thing.. i could so just easily give up and forget it coz its so stupid.. but ive done it so often in my life. im not going to. why do i always have to be the nice one?
i bet ill just 4get this whole thing by 2moro, but whateva, had to get it all off my chest..
F*** Life *big scream* - im over it =D
Luv Sam XoXo

џоч шоцℓdи'т вє џоц

Today, i had my third exam.. my second last one.. i failed.. but i dont mind as it means i'm one step closer to finish this semester. I hope i can pass the course overall.. Anywayz yeah to clarify my last entry about me not fittin in our group, i dont think it meant to offend anyone but myself. And i also think he meant the group, not as the WHOLE group, but the group he was occasionally in.. the ones who sometimes or kinda alot went to the library to study. He meant to ask why i was friends with people who studied and who were "smart". The whole conversation was sparkerd by my complaints about uni. Like usual i complain.
But anywayz, just had to clear that up.. Yeah.. well my exams have been annoying because, i havent studied. Everytime i say those three words "i havent studied" i feel as though i have to justify that. At uni, im constantly like being told that im smart, and i have the feeling people think that i lie about how much i actually study. Its getting really annoying. They dont do it on purpose, and its subtly implied to me. For example, I'd do an assignment last minute... sorta complain about my lack of input into it, and then return with a decent mark. People would sorta joke about it.. and imply that im smart. I don't wanna be smart if it means having to defend myself, and prove to other people that i did or didnt study. I don't mean to sound like up myself or something, and if u think that i am you dont know me at all, but its not my fault im able to bullshit and get the right answer, or remember small important facts without studying.. It's annoying. This morning before my accounting exam, (my worst subject), as i tend to do, i started to whinge that i couldnt remember anything and i was gona fail.. my usual stress thing.. (but i honestly did not do well..) and the girls i was with began to laugh me off and say nahh u dont have a problem look what u got in blah.. Am i a joke? Its not my fault i beat them by like 1 or 2 marks. Im just lucky, i dont wana be "smart" because i'm not. I hate people "thinking" im smart. i hate them thinking it because it makes me feel small.. Like im not allowed to do good. If i do good, then im not allowed to stress or worry about other exams..
Yeah anywayz i was trying to avoid a long blog, and i wana make it a happy one. Sometimes im insecure about my looks or my personality. But something my cousin Bec told me just stuck in my head. "If you wern't like that, you wouldnt be you"... those words were so strong i cant get them out. and it makes me so happy to know that. I know that sounds weird because everyone always tells you that, and you always read it or see it on tv.. But for some reason it just made sense to me now. Why should i change? If i were any different i wouldnt be who i was.. Doesnt that sound good? Yeah anywayz i just wanted to share those words of wisdom..
Thanx 4 listenin =P
Luv Sam xoxo

цРѕєТ...

Why cant i put my nick as upset without people questioning it?.. like i guess its nice that people ask whats wrong.. but its when people who never talk to you start asking, when it gets annoyin..well im upset most probably due to guilt,, and anxiety <-- ive been told thatz the word to describe my feeling..well im feeling guilty ever since i had a bad dream, where i woke up with guilt and feeling like i ws about to cry coz i hadnt studied for my exams yet... and then ever since then ive been freaking out.. and im so scared to study.. im scared of my exams.. i dont know why.. i have a few more days till my finals.. and as i write that my tummy jumps, and my heart races.. im afraid.. but im not exactly sure what im afraid of... failing?
As i waste time, and try to avoid studying.. i start to think and contemplate on my behaviour and attitudes.. recently ive been very jealous of my cousin Kathryn. she got her motorcycle license and is getting a bike soon. im not jealous about the material things shes got.. im jealous of the fact that she had a dream of gettin her motorbike license and she has achieved it.. this made me wonder what my long term dreams and goals are.. and i havent come to a conculsion as yet.. i still live day by day and that scares me. i have no long term goals, no hobbies, no skills and nothing i am passionate about.. ive discussed this before, and still have no reached a result.. i talk to others about what they want to achieve, and what they would like to do, whether it be travel, job, love, money, life.. these people have certain ideas of where they would like to be in those different aspects of life.. and for me i am not able to think of what i want.. i dont want to travel, i dont wana go bungee jumping.. i dont know where i will be in five years let alone where i will be tomorrow..my whole life has been built on decisions to suit tomorrow.. i went to high school coz i had too, i continued to yr 11 and 12 coz thats what all my friends were doing, i went to uni coz thats what some people do after high school.. and after uni i guess ill get a job coz that jus the right thing to do.. but what do i want to do? who do i want to be? and where do i wana be?
I have no dreams, no aspirations, and i dont know where i belong.. steven asked me why i was even in the group of friends i was in high school.. he said i didnt even belong.. i duno if it was meant to be but i took it as a sort of insult.. and i felt bad that he implied i shouldnt be friends with the people i am. even though he meant it as to say that i didnt fit in as im different coz im weird or something.. actually come to think about it i dont really know what he meant by it.. but yeah.. and then he pointed out a fact that i already know and hate about myself.. the fact that i prevent him and others in doing 'immature' or funny things.. for example practical jokes.. i tend to say 'noo stop..' and i act like a mum.. :S i hate that so much about myself.. i worry way to much about the consequences it prevents me from having fun.. im not a fun person..
Another thing, i dont know what to do with my life.. i feel so out of touch.. im scared of everything, and i dont feel safe anywhere...i feel like i dont belong, and im scared of whats to come. im not able to spend today thinking about tomorrow, because if i do i wont be able to sleep. i become really "anxious" if thats the word.. i become worried and stressed and a horrible person to be around.. i don't know, i don't know who i am, why i am, where and how i am.. i am me but me is so many confused masks.. which am i, which is the good me, and where do i fit in.? should i be fake? should i act a certain way? maybe if i act a certain way long enough i'll become it.. like W.Somerset Maugham once wrote: "Sometimes people carry to such perfection the mask they have assumed that in due course they actually become the person they seem"
Today i worked with my aunty at the shangrila hotel.. where pams mum works.. so tired.. my shoulders/neck hurt from bending too much.. i went to a jewish synagogue to decorate and it was sooo pretty.. it looked like a theatre with leather seats and really nice wooden everything else.. and marble.. wow.. yeps and that was my day.. lots of contemplating and little doing anything..
Maybe i should try to get some sleep... goodnight.. sleep tight..
Luv Samantha xoxo

υивяєакавℓє

i felt like blogging.. except i dont know what to write..argh lately ive been having bad dreams.. today i woke up.. and then fell off my bed!.. I was wearin like boxer shorts.. and i just sorta slid out.. and fell on top of my laptop wire.. and now i have this dent on my knee from where the plug thing dug into my skin.. oww.. what a way to wake up :S
um.. well im on stuvac.. meant to be studying i guess.. but as usual.. my laziness has taken over and im not.. and im sooo bored.. i wana go out! on the weekend went to akanshas 18th.. it was soo good! =D yay.. we need more parties like that.. it was ooo so fun.. especially the trampoline..
hmmz duno what to write.. i wana write so much except i duno what to say.. or how to say it..how come no1s blogged in ages? hmmz anywayz ill just list some points that have been bothering me.

• feel really really ugly atm.. not just today.. it might be an ugly phase
• feelin very lonely
• argh my dad wants to go to uni :S
• my sister has addiction problems with a game
• my other sister doesnt know how to share with her sisters.. only her friends :S
• im bored, sore, and hungry

the end.. xoxo Sam =

ѕичffℓєчраgчѕ

well ive been sittin here for a few hours with a blank screen with the title "Snuffleupagus"...i keep gettin distracted and my original intentions and ideas have sorta gone.. hmmz.. snuffleupagus was Big Birds friend that only he could see.. i guess one could say that he was an imaginary friend.. in One Tree Hill.. Peyton's like goin out with this guy from Fallout Boy.. except no1 believes her coz no1s seen him.. they refer to him as her Snuffleupagus.. anywayz as the story goes.. eventually like on Sesame Street, they all finally see him and realise hes not imaginary..
and the moral of this story is......
it doesnt have one.. except i want a snuffleupagus!! i want some1 all to myself.. that no1 else is allowed to share with me.. :(
hmmz.. and theres people that i dont talk to often that i really really wana talk to but i dont want them to get the wrong idea about me..i just realised that by not talking to them giving them the impression that i like them, ive done the complete opposite, by ignoring them and now they probably think that i dont like them at all.. hmmz and now ive run outa time to find the balance between the two.. :( i really want uni to finish.. but then i dont becoz i havent gotten to make friends with certain people..
anywayz i really need a Snuffy. so if any1 can get me 1.. plz let me know.. thanx
Luv Samz
xooxo

x-men3

today we watched x men 3... it was an excellent movie..its like 12:30 and im upstairs on my laptop.. and this feels really kool... more like a blog/diary thing,, maybe coz its really quiet and im sittin in the dark,, duno..wana sleep nowz,, bye bye
zZZzzzzzZzzZ

"Smelly cat, smelly cat, its not your fault"

well.. its been awhile since ive blogged, and awhile since ive actually talked to anyone.. its weird how we have to 'catch-up' with people now.. and how its not like b4 when every1 knew what was goin on with everyone else at that exact moment it happened.. well im gona try to make todays blog 'happy'... like i was goin through my old entries.. and saving them onto word.. i wana print it out.. so its more of a diary.. hmmz stevens been watchin friends.. anywayz this semester is nearly over.. and it went so fast.. if i look back i havent really come out of it being any different. or have i changed? i feel so weird at uni... i feel really introverted and like a complete freak.. im social.. like i say hi 2 people.. even if i dont know them... but id rather sit down and crochet like an old lady. not carin what people think.. then to sit there and act happy n friendly;.. omg how depressing... lol i try not 2 think bout crap.. and then is start havin a convo with steven bout uni n crap.. i dont even no why i complain.. its not bad at all. but its not as fun as i expected.. u watch movies and every1s at parties n stuff.. and havin fun.. but uni is like high school.. with the competition and the work.. when will it end?
now we are discussing how when people first meet you.. they dont get u.. like the other day i was babblin on bout somethin random.. tryin 2 make a joke.. be funny.. but they just thought i was really weird.. and over time, i guess people do get used to u and ur personality.. but after this semester im gona make different friends and have to start all over again.. there is no time for people to get me.. so how can i be myself in that sorta situation? yah.. happy happy happy.. happy little vegememite as happy as can be.. is that even a real song? or did i make it up? if i did make it up arent i talented? i remember once i had a fascination with pictures of snails and some real turtles.. i kinda forgot about that.. but i know why i liked turtles.. it coz in primary i got picked to hold a turtle names Lyonal. (dunno how to spell it..) but he was sooo cute. he was really old.. and my friend got to hold 3 baby turtles name heuy. leuy, and dewy.. (spell check again).. and i like pictures of snails.. coz in spongebob square pants.. gary says 'meow' and its cute... lol...
hmmz im bored.. and not sleepy enough to sleep.. i might just go 2 bed and listen to music.. ohh and my stupid ipod wont work coz my sister put her one on and now it wont read or accept mine.. and i have no songs on it coz they went on hers.. *angry face*.. oh wellz atleast i still got my stereo...
bye byez
xoxo Sam

tired

im really tired from all these assments, exams, assignments, homework.. if actually got a sore back/shoulder from typing too much and writing too much.. and sore hands.. and tired eyes.. i want to sleep.. but i cant.. got a group marketing assessment due 2moro.. and a small management exam.. argh tired.. cant wait till thursday when i get to sleep in..*hopefully* fingers crossed i can sleep.. some ppl at uni r really nice.. 1 of them gav me a lift home.. and i feel really bad coz he doesnt live anywhere near me.. and hes neva been to our area b4.. oh wellz.. how nice =D others are not nice.. =( but thats just me whinging and comparing to my real old friends.. just like to critisise how they arent like uze..

~-!.<

hmmz.. so i thougt id come online tonight..and maybe try to watch some one tree hill episodes.. but i came online.. and msn signs in as usual.. appearing offline.. and i had 31 people online.. so i decided tonight mite b a good nite to try and catch up with some people.. i sign on.. and its weird.. people come up to me and talk 2 me.. but i dont feel connected with them.. i duno.. i dont like msn much anymore.. i do.. but i dont.. =S
yesterday i woke up.. and i felt like cryin.. duno y.. but maybe i had a bad dream.. but i felt really sad.. yeh anywayz afta that i new i was gona hav a bad day.. and i did.. some events at nite occured.. and i felt like cryin.. was at dianas 16th bday party.. and yeh.. stuff u dont wana c and dont expect to c or happen did.. and i dont wna talk bout it.. and dont wana bring it up.. but i get really grossed out.. upset.. cringe.. wheneva i think bout it. and yeh. arghhh and wat makes it worse is that im tryin 2 b ok with it coz ppl told me 2 relax bout it.. but then other ppl told me that im underreacting and i should aargue about it and make a point of it.. all i wana do if 4get.. argh anywayz thats not the point of wat i was gona say.. well afta the stuff happend and i got home..i really felt like talkin to some1.. and i wanted to come online.. but then my brain stopped me when i realised i have no1 to talk to about it.. yeh and that made me feel really sad.. i feel like im stuck in between to worlds.. not high school vs uni.. but more of my social worlds.. i duno
and sometimes i feel like a 'stick in the mud'.. lol is that the rite saying? like i feel that wheneva i do somethin im always ruining the fun.. i feel like some1 who when does somethin 'fun'.. isnt really havin fun.. i cant let go.. like for example.. i went 'clubbin' last week and as norml people do.. they drink and get drunk n have fun.. but wat i do is drink.. but only a little bit.. and then worry bout every1 else 2 make sure they arent too drunk or doin somethin theyllregret.. why ami like that? like even group outings.. i always worry.. like when steven wants 2 sneak into another movie.. y do i refuse? y do i wana pay again.. y am i like that? its not fun.. i hate being like that.. and i guess that sorta happened last night.. and i worrid.. and i didnt hav any fun at all for myself.. i cant let go.. im my head i say that i wont worry and ill do this.. and ill relax.. and get so hammered i wont remember anythi.. but when i go to do that somehin stops me.. and its so annoying.. what the hell is that? and why am i like that?
ok another thing i was thinkn bout.. i was watchin big brother.. and watchin how every1 hasto make friends with every1.. and i remember how hard that was in the beginning of high school.. and i guess i always took for granted having such good friends who ican trust.. and knew where i stood with every1.. but now.. with uni..i dont no if the people i call 'friends' are friends.. i dont think ieven trust any1.. i dont even have proper conversations with them.. and i realisd i made friends with the type of people i dont really like.. those competitive.. schooly types.. high schools over and there r still a few who ive met that r like that.. and then there are other people who make me feel so young in age.. and inferior coz they all work, drive nice cars are all older n hav more life experiences than me.. i really dont fit in.. and i dont no y those ppl that ive met arent as nice and comfortable to be around as my old friends.. and even steven n guils uni friends r nicer and more normal than some of the ppl ive met.. why is that? i dont fit in anymore with either worlds.. =S where do i belong?

Holiday Update:

Sunday: Easter @ Kathryn & Bex
Monday: Easter @ home
Tuesday: Go Karting @ Minto, Movies @ Livo "Failure To Launch".. got biggest bruise from go karting.. met steven & guils uni friends Jackie & Andrew.. very nice ppl..
Wednesday: Easter Show, Pam's Bday.. very very tiring day..
Thursday: Shoppin @ Parra & Stockies
Friday: Nails @ FFLD Movies @ Stockies "She's The Man", Dad's Bday
Saturday: Gelato @ Verandah Bar .. left at 8pm.. david & shane picked me, anita & Kathryn up.. went ffld station.. met up with shanes friends mark & dean, caught train.. went verandah bar.. stayed till 3am sumthin.. went maccas.. walked 2 train station at 4.. trains didnt open till 5.. walked to darling harbour.. walked back to town hall. caught train at 5.. got to fairfield station.. car wouldnt start.. car broke down 6 times.. changed car battery.. went maccas for brekky.. got home at 8am sumthin..
Sunday: went to bed at 10am.. woke up at 2.. stayed home..
Monday: ashton slept over.. home all day
Tuesday: home.. catch up 4 uni. except havent actually started yet.. and its like 5pm.. got 3 assignments due.. and a few exams :S *stress time*

ѕрєєd

happy easter i guess.. not so happy for me.. but when are holidays ever a happy occasion? im so pissed.. we went to kathryn n bex place for easter 2day.. and it was all good.. and it was just startin to get better when more of my cuzinz came n stuff.. and then we had to go home coz my dad wanted 2 visit his uncles place.. and argh i guess thats wat got me pissed in the first place.. and then he was driving.. and he was bein an idiot and sayin that food was 'shit' coz thats wat it turns out to be.. and i told him of for bein rude and gross.. and then he started arguing with me about who noes wat.. and i asked if he had drunk any alcohol.. and he had..and then we got into another arguement about drink driving. and i cant really remember what.. and then he started to tell me to shutup.. and arghh.. i hate that.. and i was so scared coz by this time he was speeding.. and goin like 120 in 100 zone.. and 80 in 50 zone.. and i just sat there cryin in the back of the car freakin out.. and him callin me selfish and crap.. he called me selfish coz i go i dont wana die.. and hes like ur bein selfish.. like wtf.. so he wants me 2 die? me livin is being selfish? arghh i hate this.. i duno wat to do.. how much longer am i gona put up with this? and its only gona get worse.. we totally dont get along.. our opinions n views are completely different.. and hes not open minded.. which frustrates me.. very different ppl.. and all we do is argue.. and he keeps tellin me 2 shutup.. and he said if i respect him i would neva speak in front of him.. arghhh im really annoyed.. and i have a huuugee headache.. i had another arguement with him yesterday.. and its only gona get worse.. coz hes gona b home on holidays n stuff from work. so hes gona b around more.. :\ what do i do? i cant shutup and let him think that what he is saying is right.. hes rude, mean, ignorant.. and theres no way to let him think that hes smarter then ppl.. theonly reason hes like this is that he makes up stuff... and talks about it infront of ppl who wouldnt no any better and believe him.. his stupid crap is bullshit.. and becoz i no some stuff bout stuff.. he sees me as a threat.. or somethin.. well thats the only reason i can think of. or maybe it is coz he hates my voice and can stand me like hes said many times.. !! so pissed..

ч макє мє ѕіск

yesterday, i woke up at 5:55am.. got ready and got dropped off at miller tway stop at 6:44 just as the quarter to 7 bus was comin.. jumped on and headed to livo.. waited for steven.. and we precisely caught th 7:17 millenium train to the city.. then we caught a bus to UNSW.. i felt like such an intruder lol.. steven was gona get me 2 sit in his tut.. but alot of ppl told me that the tutor would ask questions and i got scared.. so called guil.. and we sat in one of the computer labs.. i played rollacoaster tycoon while he tried 2 do some work.. he only managed to write one sentence in an hour.. lol i feel bad.. he kept tryin 2 show me how 2 play.. then he burnt me the game.. yay :) how nice.. thanx it kept me busy last night when i was bored. ok.. at 10 steven finished his tut.. and akansha came.. and we met steven's friend Jackie.. steven thinks she reminds him of eunice.. but i didnt talk 2 her that long 2 find out..she told steven that i seemed 'active' hmmz.. she told him it meant like social or somethin like that.. hope it was a compliment.. :) ok.. then me steven and akansha caught a bus.. we were meant 2 get off at town hall.. but we neva seemed to pass it.. and we ended up somewhere else.. past pitt street.. so we had 2 walk bak.. then we went kfc and ate.. and then we went 2 the movies and watched 'yours mine and ours'.. i thought i was a good movie.. (good movies can make me cry).. it was funny.. except steven kept commenting it was a little too 'brady bunchish' hmmz.. after the movie we went to find pamela a bday pressie.. got somethin.. hope she likes it.. afta that we dropped akansha to the train station and headed to find a bus so we can get back to uni in time for stevens tut.. at 4pm.. now.. u would think that catchin a bus in the city would b an easy thing.. all we wwanted was one that got to anzac parade.. there were plenty of buses that kept coming.. but did we get on one? no!!.. we waited for about an hour... ok maybe i exaggerated a little.. but it was more than 45 minutes.. ohh and to make it worse it was pouring down rain.. and there was no room under the shelter.. water was creeping up my jeans.. my toes were cold.. i was freezing and wet.. and getting sick.. *achoo*.. we waited till 4:00 when steven gave up an crossed the road.. i had 2 follow him even though i was determined to find a bus!.. at 4 we decided it was time to go home.. so we caught the train to livo.. i was soo tired.. i felt like sleeping.. but nope.. couldnt.. got to the station and caught the tway.. i caught it to prairiewood and went to stockies.. i got there at 6.. and waited in the foodcourt all by myself till 7 for my sisters n mum 2 come.. didnt end up leavin there till 10.. got home.. and played rollercoaster tycoon and went to bed at 12.. i spent a total of 18 hours out of my house.. and i was dead.. i woke up at 11 2day..
ok.. my title of this blog is u make me sick.. and im reffereing to something i cannot talk about.. but someone told me somethin.. and its becomming a big burden on me.. and if the secret i no is true.. i feel sick in my stomach to no it.. i shouldnt no it.. and i hope its not true.. but in a way i hope it is.. but i dont.. arghh.. ok i feel really guilty for hopin its tru.. only coz if it is tru it will teach this person a lesson for being the way that peson is.. serves u right kinda thing.. but noo its awful to think that.. :S arghhh
wat is it about secrets these days? i no another 1.. but this ones a good 1.. it involves some1 comin 2 visit.. but the family wants it a secret.. but i no coz my dad went fishing with one of the ppl that no.. and that person told him bout it.. hehe i can proabbly write who it is here but just in case some1 is readin that shouldnt be.. i wont.. ohh and they r comin 2moro.. so i only have this secret for 1 more day..
i wana go nowz.. get off the net.. let my head rest :D
good byez
Sam xoxo