acrimony

I'm so angry and hurt and about a million other things. Every time i think about anything i just get a rush of emotions and get confused. I feel really lost. I haven't felt this way in ages. I have so many things i need to do. So many thoughts. I cant control any of it.
Yesterday my car broke down in the middle of the road at a traffic light. I wanted to cry. It was really embarrassing, coz everyone kept asking if i needed help. And i was really worried about what was damaged. I was scared someone would hit my car coz i was in the middle of the road waiting at the light and it wouldnt start. This incredibly gorgeous guy came over and asked if i could move my car. Lol he was so cute.. I drove it down to the hungry jacks and he walked over and looked at it. Even though by that time my mum was there as well. He turned out to be a mechanic and he told me that i had a hole in my radiator. hehe i kinda think that he was lookin for a job but it was still very nice. Anywayz my dad brought my car home this morning and im gettin a mechanic to fix it tomorrow. Argh but it probably wont be fixed till about tuesday. This whole day ive just been really upset about my car. These past few weeks my car has been getting "sick". I think someone jinxed it, probably me. I kept sayin how even though it was ugly atleast it worked. But my bumper bar is fallin, my left blinker doesnt work, my car fills up with water on the right passenger side floor, my speedo hardly works, my cd player wont play my cds and now i have a hole in my radiator. Lucky i had today off work.
Today i had no work. Thats why ive had alot of time to think and dwell and get angry. Im waking up to whats happening around me. Ive been avoiding alot of things. Work has kept my mind off life. I have so much things to do before Christmas and i don't know where to start. I need to go to the doctor and get that thing off my face. Heaps of people have noticed it now and im getting really self conscious about it. I also need to get my second cancer shot thing and get my ear checked up from last time when i didnt go back. I have to go to the dentist. I need braces. I need to make appointments at my beautician for various waxing and my fake tan that i wanted to get. I need to get my hair done. Either straightened permanently or styled or wateva. Plus my sisters bday, i need to help organise that and get her a pressie. Not to forget xmas either. And then there comes around new years and i need to plan that.
I need to figure out whats going on with my family. Coz atm im not liking and have this anger toward some of them. Why do people turn around the anger to make it your fault. I know im not the only one who sees what she does but why am so annoyed? why do i care? grrr i hate it.
Catharsis - the purging of the emotions or relieving of emotional tensions, esp. through certain kinds of art, as tragedy or music. I need to vent.

Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance is a psychological term describing the uncomfortable tension that may result from having two conflicting thoughts at the same time, or from engaging in behavior that conflicts with one's beliefs. I finally have a term that explains how i feel all the time. Even writing this, i have this feeling and conflicting thoughts. Should i write about how i truly feel? Should i forget about it? Arghh everything is driving me crazy.
I am sad. But I am busy which makes me happy i guess. I'm so confused. I think i'm stuck in a rut. I'm living in the past. Or just hovering, waiting patiently for my life to start. But nothing is happening. And i'm waiting like an idiot, hoping for something. But i've given up. Now im just confused as to what i should do. I feel like maybe if i just crawl into a little hole and sit there and be a hermit crab all my problems will be solved. But then my other thoughts or what i would tell other people, would be to get out and fix my problems. I'm just so sick of helping everyone else out especially in my family, to get little or no thoughts from anyone else, I'm so sick of being second in everything. I'm always losing out in all aspects. I'm sick of being alone. I know what i need to fix me, but i just cant be bothered anymore. I'm sick of it. Theres nothing i can do about it. I hate waiting. And i don't know how to fix it. I don't have the resources. I just give up. I have given up hope on the fairytale. I just want anything. I don't care. I don't wana be good anymore if it means i'm left with nothing. The problem is i don't know how to be bad. I don't know how to change. What to do. I don't know. I hate people of the way they treat people and their actions. But at the same time, i envy them. For the ability to be so cruel, to be so devilish or wateva u wana call it. I envy people for just having a life, for talking to their friends, for living in the now and the future and not in the past or the 5minutes ago. I thought that being who i am, being good has its rewards. But reality proves that it doesn't. I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't know how to act or what to do anymore. Thus, my cognitive dissonance.

Champagne for my real friends; Real pain for my sham friends

Today i had an assignment due at 6pm.. I started and finished it in about 8 hours.. and it sucks so bad.. I'm really embarrassed about the quality of it.. but at least its done... Dreading the results, but there is no point on dwelling on it now. Even though i have another like 5 more assessments due soon, i took the rest of the afternoon off and had the longest shower I've had in ages.. and i painted my nails a sexy red colour..
I was thinking alot about aims and goals.. and realised i don't have any.. I mean other than finish uni... I don't have anything i want to achieve. So i started thinking what i want done by the end of next year.. I aim to lose weight.. Maybe about 10kgs. More if i can. Get braces. Finish uni, at least with a credit average. I would aim higher but i am being realistic. Im gonna have a killer graduation party or maybe just keep it crazy 21st, I'll see how it goes.. I want to learn an instrument/skill/join a class. I was also thinking i want a boob job.. hahaha and by the time I'm 30 i want to be a millionaire.
Oh yeah and i was thinking how my old high school friends are now family to me. Even though i don't get to see you, talk to you or go out with you guys. I'll always be there and i think that even after not seeing you guys for like 10 years or something, i'd still feel comfortable around you. So if i haven't seen you or spoken to you guys in ages, dw your my family ill never forget about u :P *insert awwww* hehe

ok The End.. <3>

вυѕу αѕ α вєє

So, this is week 6 of uni. Wow, already. I can't believe how fast its going. I've been so busy. I had 3 assignments due last week, and i got 1 due on Wednesday. Ive been working about 3-4 days a week. Work is good, I've been getting more responsibilities and more hours.. If only i didn't have assignments I think i would be pretty relaxed. But my assignments and stuff takes away all the spare time i have. Its really annoying.. I don't have time to go out at all. and I'm so bored. and tired. I just want to go out, and not feel guilty about my assignments. I just wanna have fun. I guess its only a year and a bit left.. But still.. I dunno if i have the patience. I would love to be working full-time. Only because once you leave your workplace you don't have "homework". So the time i spend at home will be guilt free. Grrr... I dunno. I'm just bored and tired and its only getting harder. It just seems that in life, one person cannot have everything. family, friends, work, money, love, health etc. In life, i think that your only ever able to have about 2 or 3 at one time. Or maybe its just me.. I feel incomplete. *sigh*
Can't wait for Justin Timberlake's concert! It's gonna be sexy! <3 yay

spiderpig, spiderpig

Spiderpig! Spiderpig! Does whateva a spiderpig does. Can he spin a web? No he can't, hes a pig! Lookout! Its spiderpig! Haha i saw The Simpsons movie last Friday.!! Wow so much has happened recently. Let me update.

• Haircut//yukky fringe and dyed darkish brown Thursday 19th July
  
• Melbourne Trip Sunday 22nd-Wednesday 25th July
• Friday saw The Simpson Movie-Saw Akansha there! <3
• Sunday Iraq vs. Saudi Arabia final soccer Asia Cup. Woohoo Iraq won!
• Tuesday i.e. Today Uni started again!! I have uni on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursdays.
  

Obviously, heaps more has happened, but they are minor details in the bigger picture. Throw in work over the past few weeks. Oh and my cousin from Englands been here. Over quite alot. Hrmm... Nat got her hair perm. straightened. Errmmm... yah.. little annoyances mostly from missing my friends, or having the lack of time to talk to them, or hang out. But ive been too busy to actually dwell on that. So yah i guess all is good. Gona go read Harry Potter!. Omg ive been so busy that i havent been able to finish it. If i had time, i would have finished it in a day. But i can only read a few chapters at a time. =( I'll finish it eventually. Till then, noone can tell me what happens!

bored in life

yah.. im so bored with life atm, mainly coz im not sure where i am right now. Ive been workin, and just finished uni for the semester. But i feel really outta place.. Like i dont know what im doing anymore. I think it might be because ive been really busy in the past few weeks with exams, and my cousin from england being here, and i take her out n stuff.. So im sorta outta my old routine, and maybe thats caused me to start thinking alot. But yeh.. i dont really know what to do anymore. and i dont want uni to come back. I just see everythin as pointless. Like uni, work and all that stuff. and i have no idea what to do with myself. I just need a change. And like it doesnt help that i feel alone as well. I hate feeling this way. But i always get like this when im bored. I dont really understand how i can be bored when im so busy. But thats the only way to explain it.. I just need a purpose.. a reason.... maybe an aim.. a goal.. but i dont see anythin in the future. and im just here doing nothing. Pointless.

נєαℓσυѕу

i HATE feeling like this. It was hard to pin-point the exact emotion i feel. But i figured that its jealousy. - a feeling of jealous envy,mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc. I spent most of the day thinking. I HATE competition. I hate being the same as someone else. So when someone does something or wears something that i have or do. Then i feel uneasy about it, and try to change. So i spent like an hour bitching about my jealousy or annoyances with my sis. So now i feel a little stupid blogging about it. But ok heres a hypothetical situation which i need a solution to. If my cousin wants to go clubbing on saturday, with some uni friends, Belinda (who is her friend now i guess), and my cousin from England whos here now.. do i go? even if i really hate clubbing. And the one organising it, knows this. And like i duno. i just dont feel invited completely. i was only invited outta politeness, or the need for someone to drive them around. I duno but i really wanna be stubborn and not go. Just coz i wont be comfortable and i wont have any fun. But i dont wanna miss out >.<
I feel sorta alone atm. I dont even have anyone to play a game against =( i want new friends! dw i still love all my old friends. But i need to meet new people. I really do. I need someone who knows everyone, and who lives around here. whos house is always open to bum and has cool stuff to do all the time.
im just so angry all the time. at stupid stuff too. like just little things piss me off.. and it all comes down to jealousy.. or competition. Some people like to play life as a game. And they have contests over stupid things. They copy u, but then take all the credit.
grrr ok i have an exam on tuesday. i HAVE NOT studied yet. i feel guilty... lala la so distracted coz ive been bitchin bout this crap to everyone else.. i sorta forgot i was in the middle of a blog AGAIN.. so ill just finish it now i guess..bye bye

40 Days and Counting

40 days till melbourne!! woohoo i seriously cant wait! Yay its gettin closer.. have exams soon.. after that prepare for melbourne.. even thought its only a short trip like 4 days or whatever; its gona be really good to get away.
my cousin said that when you feel down u shoud stick your tongue out n say "bears are brown", and it should make you feel better. ive been needing to use that these days. just family stuff you can never get away from. Hate is a strong word. But i feel it. I cant help it. Just is how it is.
On friday i had the worst day at work.. I kept hittin my shin on the ladder.. and now i have a massive bruise that looks so ugly.. Also after movin all the stock onto a shelf... one of the shelves decides to break.. so i take the stock off that.. then i notice that the whole shelving thing is coming outa the wall!.. so everythin was gona fall over ... so i had to take everything off it.. and stuff fell on top of me.. it was just horrible.. I wana tell them that the amount of time i have to finish the stuff i have to do is not enough.. but im still on trial and i dont wana give them the wrong impression. But seriously, the amount of work i do.. in the time allocated. Its heaps.. its stressful.. But oh wellz.. i guess its still good. its better than not working.. and id rather be stressed than bored...
hrmm and ive been watchin episodes of gilmore girls.. and im down to my last season.. with only 2 discs left, which will finish by tuesday at least.. i need a new show to watch.. any ideas? somthing interesting.. romantic/comedy type. similar to gilmore girls.. or even somethin like OTH or Veronica Mars.. hrmmm...
Anywayz my connection is really pissin me off.. so i better stop writin incase this thing decides to say "cannot find page"
Bye Byes xoxo

I'm not dead!

Wow ive been soooo busy, havent been able to blog. Well lets see. Ive been workin like everyday this week. Its pretty good. Kinda tiring. I have uni, then straight to work. Then i come home and eat and shower and then do a bit of uni work. So busy. But yeh.. On friday that past, i went to Pink's Im not Dead Concert. It was really really really really and so on GOOD! Shes amazing. Shes funny. Sings live. and it was really cool. like i cant explain it. Even though our seats were a little bad. It was still amazing. lol it was funny. like i went with kathryn becca and a few of her friends and we were seated in twos all across the stadium. So me and kathryn probably had the worst seats outa everyone.. we got there at7:30 and decided that it looked empty.. so we moved to a closer seat.. so we had a great view for the opening band who were the androids by the way.. yeh and then at 5 to 9... the ticket seater usher person shinned her light at us.. and goes "i think ur in the wrong seats" lol how embarassing.. the stadium was packed. every single seat was filled. and at 9.. Pink came out!! omg we missed seeing her upclose by 5 minutes.. but it was still really really good! Her songs are amzing and meaningful.. yeh anywayz enough sayin how good it was. lol
Well anywayz.. lucky i have weekends off.. except i cant really do anythin this weekend coz i have an exam on monday.. then on tues gota major group assignment due.. plus i have work all next week.. lol oh wellz..
hrmm yay me and anna are gona go to melbourne on the 22nd -25th of July.. I cant wait!! its gona b so cool! yay =) woohoo
65 days and countin !

yay

i got a job.. im workin friday 11-4, monday 2-5 and wed 11-4 hehe.. metrogirl in ffld. ohh noo i cant go out on wednesdays with anna anymore.. i guess afternoons are good... lol and im screwed got assignment due on tues.. i planned to do it on friday.. n monday.. but yeh.. i dont wana fail again..hrmm.. oh wellz.. hrm wana email some1 from the past. duno if i should though. i probably will do one of those things where u do somethin spur of the moment.. and 2moro wake up realise how stupid it was.. and regret it.. oh wellz.. lol i duno.. the things i do when i procrastinate lol

Clueless

Im upset atm, i duno why. I just noticed and this sounds so stupid but i realised that .. i cant even explain it. But like if i talk to someone for a long time... then if theres a fallin out.. then i never talk to them again. Like a few guys in my past.. never speak to them now... But then i realise other people who also spoke to them, still do. So why is it only me? Its not that i dont want to talk to them. i really do. but why dont they talk to me? Obviously i should maybe approach them, but its been way too long. I guess im just jealous that im sorta left here alone and my past is sorta forgotten. I dont even think these people remember me. That totally sux. and i have no idea why they dont talk to me anymore. Never had any arguments.. just drifted i guess. and its happened alot.. like maybe more than 5 guys or wateva. why? whats my problem? Do i make guys feel awkward? and like even at uni.. this guy was avoidin me coz i talked to his bro (he might not even be related to him)? Well recently his bro hasnt come online as much.. and then when i saw him round he kissed me hello n acted normal again? huh? like im totally confused...
Today, i was annoyed and i duno why. I was supposed to let steven know if i was gona go hang out with him or wateva.. But the thing is i didnt even know when or where he was plannin to go. I told him that i would let him know coz anna was gona sleep over n i didnt know what i was gona do.. So he msgd me at 12.. but i didnt get it till close to 1.. I had just woken up and anna had just left to go to work when i actually read it.. and yeh.. he seemed angry at me that i hadnt let him known if i was comin or not. fair enough. but what got me annoyed or wateva was that how was i supposed to know when i should msg him if i didnt know when he was goin. So if he was at lunch at 1, when i received the sms. and if he sent it at 12.. well wouldnt that mean he had already left or was about to leave to go? Steven if u read this clear it up, coz theres no point me bein annoyed coz ur annoyed at me for no reason or a misunderstanding... Grr ive just had too much time to think lately.. and ive been upset about alot of little things.
im also annoyed because ive been hanging with my sister heaps. thats not the problem. i honestly have fun with her and her friends. and ive been goin to parties and meetin new people and all that.. makin new friends.. they arent all younger than me some are our ages.. but the thing is.. like once they find out we are sisters.. everythin goes weird.. and then they all become closer friends with amanda.. and then what kills it is that they start referring to me as amandas sister.. for example, someone calls them and asks who they r with.. they reply.. im with blah, amanda, amandas sister, etc.... so i become separated as someone whos just a tag along and a bum. then i start gettin all frustrated coz amanda keeps tellin me they love hangin with me, im fun and all that.. and she tries to reassure me that they like me as a friend as much as her ... but i know or i can tell that im her sister. and ive been forced to hang with them coz i dont really have alternatives.. and my sister constantly teases me about not goin out much and all that.. its not my fault! grrr.. i wish i could go out all the time, and i didnt have to organise stuff. oh and like i reallly do like all the parties and people and stuff.. but then i cant always be myself. i have to be the older sister. like im the designated driver most of the time.. so im stuck not bein able to drink... and that sux.. but i duno.. and my sister tries to help me relax n make it better.. but yeh.. last week or week b4. went to party in my lil neighbourhood section so i had a drink, coz i can either walk home or wateva.. but the party ended coz parents got pissed, and this guy we met invited us to go over his mates house.. and i kinda forgot i had a drink, but i followed him to like fairfield/wetherill park area.. and i seriously was so nervous when i remembered i had a drink... and the guilt i feel... lucky i didnt get pulled over.. i had fun.. but it would have been more fun if i hadnt been worried about driving while i had had a drink. and also the guilt of comin home late.. it kills me.. if i was out bymyself i could stay out all night and come home at 7am without my parents caring.. my dad cares more about my sister, and it has nothin to do with age.. my mum told me once its coz he thinks shes easily persuaded and pretty stuff. so yeh we got home at 4am from this other party and since then my mums been makin us come home at "reasonable times"
anywayz the dilemma is that theres a party on saturday of the guy who invited us to his mates house.. so we only have known him for 2 weeks.. but like we hung out n stuff the other day and hes mates with like my sisters friends n stuff.. n he told us to sleep over.. so i can drink.. like how nice to consider my fun'ness.. but yeh.. i duno if i should.. should i be the older sister and not drink... and like just have fun sober.. stay as late as possible n go home.. or should i go, and drink.. and who knows.. and stay the night.. lying to my dad where we are? i dont think id be able to drink even if i didnt have to drive home.. id still feel responsible for everyone else... hrmm.... i duno....
Ok.. hrmm do u think u can be friends with someone who doesnt trust you? And can u trust someone who u dont really like or arent friends with? Just somethin to think about i guess..

snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes

Lalallalala I have a bad case of Mondayitis "'Mondayitis' or "having a case of the Mondays" is a feeling of weariness and apathy" For the past few weeks i havent been going to my early lecture on Monday mornings. I feel so bad, but i go to the tutorials. The tutor is so confusing, the whole unit is a waste of time. No one understands a thing, i dont like it. But oh wellz. I just feel guilty about not turning up. But i like sleeping in. Especially since the weather has cooled down. I love it, its so relaxing! I wana wear my new cork heel boots hehe but i duno where to wear them to, and im not too comfortable wearing boots coz i just never gotten into them. I realised my whole fashion has changed. I now wear shorter dresses and skirts, and its pretty cool. I still dont have a style but i like being versatile. I like being in moods and being able to sorta pull of certain looks. I cant stop eating Starburst Chews. They are so yummy! haha hmm anywayz gona go watch some tv :D should be catchin up on work =S butttt *blames mondayitis* lol.. and maybe ill invent tuesdayitis and wednesdayitis as well.. lol anywayz gona go be a couch potato!

Stress is when you wake up screaming & realize you havent fallen asleep yet

grr so annoyed atm i hate being ungrateful, but like its so annoying. the lack of thought into it makes it worse. i wish i could be happy about it but i cant. i feel like a really selfish ungrateful person. Grrrrrr. lol.. and like what am i supposed to do when someone puts someone else in a position where they have to do soemthin for them. as soon as these two people stop being friends, or when they realise that they are being used and stuff then im gona be left with all the blame. and whats with everyone avoiding stuff with people. like get to the point. if u have something to say, say it. get over it. i am not being fake i am being who i am. ohh and like why do people tell other people to tell me things whats the point. just tell me. grrr... and why do people complain about things thats happening to them, when they causesd the same thing to happen to me. like none of any of what ive written makes any sense. but bleh. like argh why dont people just get to the point, tell every1 whatgs on their minds, get it over with, and move on. blehhh!! if everyone walks around keeping it inside them then when a person actually says anythin they are the ones who hav issues. just so annoyed atm. but ill get over it. maybe..

вυѕу вυѕу

Its friday! That means i made it through yet another long week. It means that i have less weeks left to the holiday. It means that i can sleep in. Fridays are the best. Ive been so busy with uni.. Its good. I like being busy. Haha some lady called me up regarding this job i applied for, except i kinda applied to heaps of jobs, and i dont remember which one it was. Anywayz it was somewhere like an hour n a half away, and i had to tell her that i wouldnt be able to make it there all the time. Damn.. lol Oh wellz. yeh being busy is good keeps me from thinking i like that. =) except i have been heaps tired. Physically and mentally. I have heaps of work to do. I need to get organised lol So many assignments.. yah.. anywayz gona watch some movies tonight and go to sleep. No idea what im gona do tomorrow. But ill figure that out. =)

It was my bday and i can cry if i want to

So i had a really good weekend away. me and anna left at 5pm coz i was late coz and headed down to the south coast. we got there just before 7:30 coz of traffic, just in time to check in. then we went n put our stuff away in our cabin which smelt a lil weird. we went to explore our lil area around our cabin with the torch light. we walked through this scary place which we had previously seen a black rabbit. it was full of trees and bushes. while we walked we sang to keep the monsters away and after a minute or so, we reached our beach. hehe so pretty. then we ran back to our cabin through the scary bug fulled trees and stuff. we watched movies all nite. and at 12pm anna went n got cake and put candles outside soo prettyful. on saturday we woke up and went to jamberoo after our "sight seeing drive" no we did not get lost. hehe. jamberoo was heaps fun, especially the wave pool.. which got us a tiny bit-ish sea sick. and the one where u lie down and just float around. we must hav gone on that one like 5 or 6 times or more. lost count.. then we drove back had nice long showers. and i was dead tired. we were meant to go to kiama that night. but so so tired. we stayed in ate alot after our bbq. and watched movies and slept. this mornin, we woke up and got all prettiful and went to the kiama blowhole or wateva it was called. nice view. but it was hot and we were gettin more burnt. ouchy that reminds me. my scalp is burnt *cries* oh and we had milkshakes and got photos developed. then we headed back to the cabin and packed up. and started our journey home, except we decided to detour to a beach in wollongong. think it was city beach like the shop. anna played with some scary looking crabs that looked like spiders. and then we went home. oh and we stopped for food. hehe. that was the weekend.
i hate being back. back to reality. the whole weekend i was sittin in hope that maybe just maybe some of my friends might come down.. and now its over, and it didnt happen. and ive been so mean. and i feel really guilty for being sad. i dont think im allowed to be sad without people being concerened and that makes me feel worse. and my sisters and mum n stuff. grr. they were tryin to be nice and im just confused. i think im just tired. im always just tired. oh wellz i dont wana go to uni 2moro. maybe ill miss my lecture. yeh i think ill do that. not a really good way to start the year by missin lectures only after 1 week. but who cares..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRAMEETA! =) mwahs luv u hope ur day is beautiful

sleepy

hmm.. i had uni todya till 12. then went to have lunch with my cuz n belinda at their uni. hmm pretty good i guess. my uncle passed away today. hmm yeh.. im so sleepy. *yawns*

lost

i feel so alone right now and i cant sleep coz im so upset. I duno whats wrong with me. i just cant seem to relax. i cant be alone by myself becoz ithink too much. i need some1 with me constantly till i get sleepy or i get all sad. i hate it. whats wrong with me? why do i feel so alone all the time? my friend used to talk to me every night and now hes gone and i feel like this crazy person. and i just realised somethin and now i hurt . why did i have to think that. now im making myself go crazy. why do i always do this. i tried avoidin it. but it didnt work. i duno what to do anymore. i dont wana b this annoyin thing. why are people so nice that they do somethin just to be nice. it makes me feel so bad. becoz they arent doin it for the reason i want them to be doin it. it gets my hopes up but then they come crashin when i realise that its not for real and that i was just bein stupid. why cant someone give me attention why isnt it there for me.whats wrong with me that makes no1 notice me. i cant even sms or call without thinkn too much then i seem like this freak whos annoyin and just wants attention. the feelings arent reciprocated and im just left alone. why did i realise. why did i think. i need to get away. and i cant even do that without feeling alone. i am so upset that no1s comin to my bday thing and i cant even feel that becoz i dont want ppl to feel sorry for me for no reason. like i need pity or somethin. and im so annoyed that people say lets meet up on another day so i can giv u ur pressie. why dont they see that i dont care about a present. that i would rather have every1 b with me on my bday than get a stupid present. i need to sleep. i cant sleep. im doin this again. im back to this awful place. i hate it here. i wana run. i need to escape. i need help.

вє ωιтнσυт уσυ

ok, recap. last saturday, not the one two days ago. Went movies & max brenners. yum thursday went parra and pancakes on the rocks. yum yum. This weekend. Saturday had Kathryns 19th costume bday party. Occupations. All sisters were invited + Diana and her bf. Got there around 3pm. went had lunch, came n helped set up. Party rocked. Had alot to drink. Had fun. Sister hooked up. Other sister got drunk and puked. Cant remember much about that night, or sunday. And now i feel like shit. Grrr! But who cares. Suppressing memories will do the job. Dad shits me. Full yelled in the backyard to get diana n her bf outa our house. So embarassing. They heard and went for a walk n called later on so i could take them home. He has issues. My birthday is shittin me to. Why did i organise somethin without confirming with my friends first. i
edit: grr i had a full thing written then when i posted ^^^^ that was all that saved. fucken pissed off grr
well anywayz as i was saying. i love those who have let me know if they can come or not. i wish i hadnt orgnaised it. hardly any1 can come stay at the cabin for the weekend except for anna. so its just gona b us two.. hehe... hmm i knew when i organised it, it would b difficult for some people to make it for the weekend, thats why i had an option of them coming to jamberoo and just spend 1 day with me. is that so much to ask? i guess it is. gona have to cancel that if no1 replies coz its hard to organise somethin when no1s going. omg uni startin next week. the most shittiest timetable ever. on thursdays i have to stay till 10pm. im dreadly the drive home half asleep. im so scared im not gona know any1 at all this semester. and the work load. i hate uni. im not made to study. i cant study. its gona b so aweful. some weird oldish guy on msn is actually some1 from unis brother. i wonder who. grr givin out my email addy without askin first. hmm my friend went to newcastle today. im so lost and confused. i dont know whats wrong with me i duno why i feel. im already bored and its only been 1 day. oh and how come i feel. why do i hear about things from the past, or people i should say. and i just feel. and care. why do i care. whats my problem. im so confused. why cant i just say what i want. why cant i tell those that shit me that they do, and why cant i tell those i care about that i do. and why am i lost. why do i have to be confused. why cant i just go back to before, when it was peacefulish. when i didnt think or feel. when i didnt know of this pain and drama. Why am i doomed with these feelings. i am so confused and i dont know if im ever gona be able to figure it out. deep down i know what i want. but what i want i cant have, becoz its gona hurt. and i dont wana get hurt. i wana be emotionless i wana just be. why cant i just be with no feelings.

ωну ∂σ ωє ρℓαу тнєѕє gαмєѕ?

Why do we play these games? Why is life a constant competition? Why is it that as soon as you realise whats going on, everything changes? Why is it that no one is around when you need them? Why is life full of these unanswerable questions that play constantly through my head? Why are the guyz u want not good for you and the ones you dont like always around? Why is it that when you crave something, and you eat it, you feel guilty afterwards? Why cant i go one day without thinking or feeling? Why is it hard to admit how you feel? Why cant you tell me you care? Why is it that when i have nothing to do, i have endless time; but when i have a million things to do, i can never find the time to do it? Why do i not have everything i want? Why do things come so easy to some, and hard to grasp for others? Why cant i say what i want? Why cant i say how i feel? Why do i refuse to reveal how i feel and wear a mask so others cannot see? Why do i feel so alone, when im sure there are many other people who feel the same way? Why am i studying when i dont even like to study? Why do i not seem to fit in, in any circumstances? Why have i changed and become someone not original? Why am i different to you and to others? Why am i not able to sleep early? Why cannot i wake up before 1pm? Why did i have a blackout for 2 whole hours, when noone else knew that darkness existed?

ι ∂σит ωαииα вє α fℓу

I Went roxys last night with belinda and my cuz... after all the initial dramas, it tured out to be a pretty relaxin night. Im so lost at the moment. Tired. Confused. Lost. Starting to feel alittle stressed and anxious about uni startin.. my bday is coming up, with alot of other peoples bdays too. Few parties to go to. My own thing to organise. If anyone actually decides to go. Hurts my brain to think so much. I know what i want, i know what i want to say. But it all comes out as bleh. Confusion. Annoyance. Irratation. Then i think of the possibilites. Happyness. Excitement. Nervousness. Just trying to find my place in this world.

нσω тσ ѕανє α ℓιfє...

Kinda shitty atm.. my dad gives me the shits.. grrr.. yells at me coz i didnt pick up my sister when i wasnt supposed to. Just coz her ride back was runnin late i had to leave at 1:30am just to pick her up.. and he also yells at me coz i didnt let my mum borrow my car.. like wtf.. i did.. and he cant control what i do with my own things.. i can let whoever i want borrow my own stuff.. he has no right to yell at me. =( and im annoyed at my sister for giving him a reason to yell at me.. of course she doesnt get in trouble for the one being late back home.. i do.. becoz i didnt think to pick her up instead! breathe..
Anywayz.. so bored and tired.. went livo today.. these lil kids.. well lil to me.. asked my sis for her number.. and then they saw us.. and she went in a shop. while she was buyin somethin i went and waited outside.. they came up to me and asked bout her.. omg.. one was 17.. but they looked 15 or somethin.. and one of them is like "is she shy?" muahaha.. im like she doesnt wana talk 2 u... and they told me to go c what she was doin.. and i got her.. and we walked in a different direction.. i felt mean.. but it was funny..
my sisters start school this week.. grr what am i gona do? Have to plan my bday n stuff... sleep alot.. and eat as usual.. play a game or two.. hmm lame stuff..
maybe i should sleep soon.. thatd b a good idea.. Bye bye

gσиє fιѕнιи'

On Thursday, me and amy went fishing with my friend n his friend. We went to Berowra Waters. It was a river down in like a valley type thing.. If you looked up and around there were like massive hills/mountains or somethin covered in bush and trees. We got a boat, and attempted to fish for a little bit.. But it was more fun just sittin down watchin them fish. Hehe cant explain how tired i felt afterwards.. and hot and yucky.. But i had fun.. It was like the day never happend.. It was like a dream or somethin, but only because its somethin i would have never done on my own. So now it seems like it didnt happen. So out of routine, it was good to try something different. =) Hehe his friend half fell in the water when he was gettin off the boat. That was soo soo funny..! anywayz.. then on friday.. i went shopping to buy my cousin a bday pressie.. and we went to her house afterwards.. On saturday night was her 18th.. i picked up Diana, and her bf and we went.. then we had to go get some lights for the hall, and i also had to pick up the bfs friends.. Felt sorry for my cuz coz hardly anyone showed up. Well, alot of people came.. But not all those that she was expecting. Anywayz the bf's friends wanted to checkout some other party.. So we left just as it was ending.. I had 7 people in my car on the way back. It was so scary, i thought i was gona get pulled over.. I saw like 4 cop cars with their sirens on.. Lucky we got by safely.. Anywayz the party turned out to be ending as soon as we got there.. so we just ended up goin to her bfs house to play pool. Didnt play, just watched.. But it was alright.. So by the end of it, dropped every1 back to where they belonged.. I got home at about 4:30am.. Today was spent at home, just chillaxin' coz had an argument with my parents and i was in a stinky mood and i didnt feel like goin anywhere..
Omg i forgot to mention that on Saturday morning when i woke up, i found a sheep in my backyard!! ok i didnt exactly "find" it, because my dad's cousin brought it over... but it scared me because i wasnt expecting it.. And yeh, its in our backyard coz he doesnt have anywhere to keep it.. I think he might want to eat it =S im so scared of it.. It headbutted my doggy!!! so my dog isnt allowed outside while its there.. well iwont let him go outside just in case.. Yah... anywayz.. tomorrow.. (monday)... prob gona b a bummy day again.. i should sleep now..
Goodnight <3>

נσв нυитιи

today, i met amy at livo at 11pm and we went job huntin... we left our resumes at like 2 places, had lunch with Pam and went to Parra. At parra we only left our resume at one place.. Oh wellz, i guess its better than nothin, and who knows, we might be lucky.. Im so sleepy and tired. I think im just gona go watch some Gilmore Girls for awhile and maybe get an early night.
Bye Byez Luv Sam xoxo

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

so before the 1st day of 2007 is over (i have 8 minutes left), i shall describe nye. Firstly Prameeta picked me up at 5. Then we picked up Akansha. Then we went and put petrol. Then we went to Lidcome station and parked the car. Lol.. play by play.. We caught the train which was empty basically. Them we got off at town hall where we waited for Krishy and Jason and his cousin. We headed to circular quay. When we got there we were faced with a mass of people. We headed down to circular quay watched the 9'oclock fireworks, and walked down to george st to eat maccas. Got a taxi back to half way down george st, and walked the rest of the way to watch the midnight fireworks. It was so cool. Then we walked all the way to darling harbour so i can go see my friend lol. And then him n his friends drove us to Oxford street were they wanted to go to a club, but coz my feet hurt, we ended up at gloriajeans for coffee and drinks. Then my friend drove us to Lidcome and Prameeta showed us her old school and stuff on the way home.
Ok so thats what we did. This is what happened. We saw 4 fights i think it was. 2 people get arrested.

• we were walkin from circular quay to darling harbour.. n these guys were kinda followin us.. but not in a creepy way. and there were ppl fighting on the footpath ahead of us. so the guyz went and made a baracade type thing so we could get through without gettin hurt. That was really nice
• We got followed with this guy sayin happy new year and wanted a free hug from us all, and his friend wanting hi5s, so yeh he eventually left us alone.
• We got hugged from very random cute guys
• some guy told me i was his favourite. Never met this guy in my life haha
• Random love and random requests to smile.

hmm they say that the how u spend nye is how ur gona spend the rest of the year. I think we felt loved last night, so hopefully the year will be the same. anywayz i wish everyone a good year full of fun and joy. Stay Happy Luv Sam xoox