ι ℓσνє уσυ вυт ι нανє ¢нσѕєи ∂αякиєѕѕ

It's just one of them days,
When I wanna be all alone.
It's just one of them days,
Don't take it personal.
I just wanna be all alone,
and you think I treat you wrong.
I am so tired. The end. Haha well its Saturday night, and ive spent Thursday, Friday and all day today shopping. I went shopping with Prameeta on Wednesday as well. Grr so much shopping, and im so tired. Andd still not finished. Im too tired to even write. But yeh, i have to let some stuff go.. I just feel like running under a shell and hiding like a turtle. Everyday i do something or nothing, then hits midnight.. and i cant remember what i did, and the day that had just ended feels like it was pointless. Going church tomorrow night, and i dont wana go because of all the people, and the weather (though i love this rainy coldy weather ill prob get wet standin outside waitin to go in). And then christmas lunch at my uncles house, which not every family are going to be there because of stuff.. Then boxing day family bbq at my house, all day running after lil cousins. Im tired just thinkng about it. And all the cleaning we've been doing just for a few days, and the house gets trashed anywayz. And then new years eve, and i still dont know what im doing. Im to tired to think about it. I know i want to do something, anything. But what? and i dont want to go to a club or the city, which is where normal people want to go. But im too tired. I really want to go to a park, and sit on a nice picnic rug, with ablanket on top of me, nice fresh food, and just lie down and look at the stars and fireworks. Away from people, under the nights sky. But im too tired to look for a secluded park with visibility to fireworks. =( I want to go on a holiday, then i have no one to go with, and im too tired to bother organising that and asking people. Why cant what i want just happen? Argh my brain, my body, my soul are tired. I just cant be bothered. I want to be connected to share to be with to think alike. I want. Everyone has christmas wishes and lists. All i want is someone. And no, i dont have anyone in mind. Not even romanticalism, Just someone. Its hard to explain. But atleast i know what i mean.
This year is nearly over i cant even count the amount of days, but soon. And this past year i have changed, i have forgotten who i was. I once was an individual, i was strong, i was creative, i was me. Now i am someone else, i follow and have forgotten how to lead. Therefore, my new years resoultion is to be me.
People say its selfish to only think about yourself and what you want. But sometimes worrying about everyone else and their lives, and how their lives affect you, makes u tired. so the best thing to do is be alone, and by urself. I know that this wont last, and tomorrow when i wake, i will be back to thinking all the time, but for atleast the next hour before i go to bed let me enjoy this not thinking and just being in the moment.

вυяи fσя мє

on thursday i went to the beach with Belinda.. and i got soo soo sunburnt.. the worst ive ever been burnt.. so ive spent the past two days at home. with minimal movement and clothes.. lol sounds so funny.. my i have to like lie on my tummy.. cant really sit down too much coz the back on my knees are so burnt!!. and just wearin a singlet hurts my shoulders.. ouchy.. tried so many creams.. aloe vera,cucumber,, and the grape seed one amy recommended.. when finally i just settled on good ol' sorbolene.. which seems to be doin the trick.. and am now able to walk up stairs.. with only a little bit of pain.. im hopin by 2moro mornin ill be able to sit coz i wana drive! lol.. anywayz yep thats it.. oh yeh and i passed all my subjects.. yay :D i was so scared.. what a relief... goodnight :D

єνєяу иιgнт ιѕ αиσтнєя ѕтσяу

Your life's a solo run, and even the crowd that's cheering you want you to fall over. They love you when you win, but they love it even better when you lose. - John Marsden
Every night is another story. The day keeps me busy, then nights come around and i start to think. I thought i was over this. But now, the more time i have, the worse i feel. The only solution is to keep myself busy. Ive been reading books, but i think thats only made things worse. It makes me think even more. Then i cant sleep. And im back to where i was once before.
Its like a part of me knows whats happening, it knows whats wrong, it knows what i want. But i cant seem to fix it. That part isnt strong enough alone to fix the other part thats so lost and confused. Its like my life has been re-winded and im back here again. I can see what is going to happen, i know whats to come and i cant seem to fix it. I dont want to continue this routine, but i cant seem to stop it or escape. I wana keep living in this dream world. Why now? why do i have to wake up now? Why is it hitting me now? Why cant reality just piss off and leave me alone? Then i look at this entry, and i look at my past entries.. and it makes me wana continue in my dream land.. Ive become something i dont wana be. I dont wana be like this, i dont want to complain, i dont wana face how i feel. Why cant i just run?

ι gσт тнιѕ ι¢євσχ ωнєяє му нєαят υѕє∂ тσ вє ...

so theres been alot on my mind lately.. and i duno what ive been doing, but i cant seem to let it out. Im not able to write how i feel anymore. It feels as though i cant say what i want, because i just dont want to be that sad person anymore. I cant be the weak one, I HAVE to be the strong one. I cant let people know how i feel, because they think something is completely wrong with the world, and they just feel worse. I cant let anyone know. I cant. I hate not being able to feel, coz i know that one day im gona break. i dont want that to happen. My holidays started not even 5 days ago, and im bored. I have no aspiration in life atm. I have no goals, i dont have anything i want or need to do. Im stuck in limbo, until someone comes and saves me. I need someone, am i just waiting and dreaming for nothing? I need hope, but im scared to hope, just in case nothing changes.
I wana know whats going on, i wana know what this is, i wana know how i feel , and how he feels and whats happenin, but what happens when ur stuck in this routine, and ur becomming friends, and thats it.. its not my fault i dont know how i feel. its my life. i cant feel, i cant get involved, i cant do anythin because i have no goals. I thought that living every day as it comes would help get through, and it has. but its left me with nothing and no one. I dont know what to do. and this not knowing scares me.