Turn Me On

Kevin Lyttle once sang: Turn Me On.. hehe.. at one time i absolutely hated the song, only becoz i really really loved the song once but then it had bad memories joined to it.. and the weird thing is that i keep hearing the song recently.. and memories r comin back.. n i guess it isnt that bad anymore..
Its Started..... i hate to admit, but i think that im beginning to lose contact with some friends.. well not really, but i feel so out of touch emotionally with them.. i just wish we could be back in legal or bio or under the tree or walkin to the canteen n just havin those weird but wonderful conversations.. i miss them so much.. i feel so lost without youuuu as Delta Goodrem once sang.. haha
I guess ive started to go a lil crazy as well.. and now im totally freakin out.. im obsessin about everythin.. n gettin really worried again.. peoples houses r now gettin robbed.. :S and im so scared that im gona lose all my stuff.. not stuff.. like my ipod or computer or anythin.. but like photos or memories.. little priceless things, sentimental things.. im so worried im gona lose them.. just like my weird fear of losing my memory.. arghh so scary... im sorta like that.. very clingy to stuff that i love.. i get really emotional when i break something i loved or really liked.. thats why i guess sometimes i take my time liking something.. or i dont over use something just in case..
right now: im thinkin bout what the point of me is.. what am i gona do with my life? like im so seriously scared.. wtf am i meant to do.. i hate bein put under pressure.. i dont work fast.. especially in making decisions.. coz i end up makin really stupid decisions and end up regreting stuff.. exactly like me and shopping.. i really hate to shop for stuff. im an impulse buyer, and i usually end up regretting what i buy.. even if its cheap stuff.. omg i 4get if ive written this or not, but a few weeks ago steven calculated how much ive spent over this year.. its like about over 4000 :( i dont even no where i got that money from.. *cries* im so stupid.. i coulda bought a car.. i have no idea where it went.. except for like my ipod, stereo.. and thats it.. oh and my hair.. and clothes.. n stuff here n there.. but no way could i have spent that much..!! (i think that total included my chicken tenders with no lettuce and tomato sauces for like a year) OMG i just realised.. i ATE my money!.. ewww... gross... next year im gona save.. today i opened an account where im not allowed to touch any money lolz.. the fees are way to high.. withdrawal is like 2.50.. so im not allowed to touch it.. and yeh.. hopefully it will help me save..
today was meant to be like 37 degrees.. so hot..! but i was at my grandmas house.. lucky hers got air con.. we spent the day baking.. we made fortune cookies.. lolz.. im so proud of them.. except for the fact that theres none left.. my lil cuzin josh ate them all!.. he got about 10 fortunes.. omg hes so cute! hes starting to read.. and he was tryin to read all the fortunes.. aww how cute.. lol one of the fortunes.. my favourite.. (coz i wrote it) "if you eat this cookie you will get salmonella" hehe.. hes like whats salmonella? hehe aww jareh him..
hmmz anywayz my days are being wasted not decidin on my future but goin out with my family, n friends occasionaly..oh and playing the SIMS 2 NITELIFE like every single day for hours.. n yeh.. boring as.. oh and who wants to go the valley maccas n just sit there 4 the whole day? or go to the park across the st.. haha good old times.. back in the day.. awwwwwww its like so in the past.. :(
ok way too long entry.. rambles rambles rambles..
bye byez mwahz mwahz
luv Sam.. xoxo

edit.. OMGGGGG i 4gottttt today was my parents 20th anniversary.. omg every1 forgot!! my parents didnt even remember.. i just remembered.. omg how sad.. but lucky we already gave them their pressie on xmas.. my mum was so happy.. hehe =) yay

Merry Xmas Eve

Merry Xmas Eve.. and Merry Xmas for 2moro... =]

clap your hands

if u feel shit and u no it clap ur hands
*claps hands*
arghh i cant get outa this mood. im constantly feeling like im about to cry, im sad. when i try to smile, i get tears in my eyes. omggg arghh *slaps myself* i cant get out of this mood. ive become snappy and im really sorry if im annoying. and if it is coz im feeling sorry 4 myself im sorry about that to. i just wish there was some1 who could just be there 4 me n i would feel safe and know that id b alright.
friends ask you how u r.. good friends ask whats wrong.. hehe cute quote.. im luvn my friends atm. thats about it..
ps.. it was my sisters 16th bday.. happy bday manda

..

i duno what im writing. i feel shit. guilty, sad. regretful, nervous.embarassed.jealous and many more unidentifiable feelings. ive cried. ive laughed. ive become hysterical. and thats all just in the past two days. i duno how im feeling. i duno wat im going to do. its the fact that i didnt like my uai mark. and only because i feel really stupid now, coz like ok yr 11 and 12. there r 2 types of people. those who try really hard, work hard, get good marks. and those who just fly through the years doin work here n there. goin school every now and again, partying, goin out, drinkin, drugs. all that shit. and they dont expect to get good marks they just do it for the fun of it. from what i see. im not sure i tried my hardest, but i guess i belonged in the 1st group. but i didnt get good marks. i mean my marks were ok. but i was expecting more. only because i saw myself in that first group. i tried. i shoulda got heaps better. i no some people who belonged in the second group and did alot better than me, that makes me feel even more shit. they got everything. its so not fair. i feel like the biggest idiot.. i dont even have any talents or things that im good at. i dont have a job. i have no experience. wtf am i gona do. i wish i had a talent like amy. shes so creative she can draw she can paint. shes smart. she can achieve so much. she noes what shes good at and she wants to do it. so that will make her successful. it could take her years but shell get there. my cuzin who belongs in the 2nd group didnt even become eligible for a hsc. but guess what hes gona do. hes gettin to take over his mums business the day he turns 18, he has a job, he parties, he has a car, he has a life. and he also has his own ambitions. he has talents. hes the greatest cartoonists ive known. argh so jealous. i dont have anythin im good at. i dont even no wat i want to do. my uncle told me my marks were bad, and then he goes i like u, ur intelligent. an insult followed by a compliment. thats so confusing. my mums pretendin to be happy. and using excuses such as u were stressed it was way to competitive. im not happy. but im not showing it. im acting as if its fine. i mean i have no right to be upset. i did alright. its just me bein stupid and jealous. but i guess ive been upset for awhile. even b4 we got our results. i hadnt cried for a really long time. for about a couple of months. and recently. ive become emotional again. crying. i guess its that build up. of hate. annoyance. scared. worrying about everything. i guess thats my worst thing. i worry. i keep worryin about both my sisters, both with different problems. 1 who has some sort of medical thing that no1 will tell me what the doctor said. wtf am i gona do. im so scared. sheddin tears and remeniscing about my past. i just feel really alone. i duno who to talk to. i feel really guilty talkin to my friends. they have their own lives. i dont want to burden them with my problems. and sometimes some of them make me feel worse. tellin me i did ok. i will be ok. i no i will.. but i duno.. i just feel like crying whenever some1 tells me that. i feel alone i guess. and on top of that ive been constanly feeling sick. everytime i eat something. i feel like throwing up. when i think of food i feel sick. my mum thinks its the tablets im on for my skin but im not sure. could be the weather or stress.. and my fucken pimples r gettin bad again. my skin is really gross and oily. and my hair is gettin curly again. i wana get it done. but i duno when. this entry is long sounds like an essay with no paragraphs and no intro and alot of bitching and complaining
in conclusion, i feel shit.

HSC Results....

ohh.. in just 6 and a half hours.. 66000 people in NSW are gona get their hsc results. im so scared. atm im contemplating stayin up the whole nite to keep steven company.. im not sure yet. hes gona call at 1.. my parents wake up at 5:30 anywayz.. so they r gona b around me while i get my results. and i dont want any1 2 c. so i guess theres no point. i should wait till 6:30 when i get them sms to me.. but i dont even wana leave my fone on.. maybe i should turn it off.. and sleep until sunday.. that was i wont get any results at all.. im so scared im gona cry.. lol.. just so nervous.. and really disappointed.. i no that i didnt do my best. and im really worried my mum is gona b 2 supportive of me no matter what i get. id rather yell at me and tell me off that i did bad then act all nice and say its ok.. that just makes me feel worse. i hate it.. makes me feel guilty.. especially when she says atleast u tried ur best.. when i didnt..:( arghh regrets.. but if i was given the chance to do it again. i wouldnt. its way too stressful. i didnt even notice how stressed i was until it was over. and now the stress is comin bak.. im already guaranteed a band 1 in chem and maths.. seeing that i didnt study for maths at all for about 2 months.. and chem.. even when i try in chem i still fail.. so yeh.. im screwed for the overall uai. : i just want it to hurry up and it be over with.. like pulling a bandaid or waxing.. but they really hurt.. waxing always seems to leave bruises.. so yeh.. im gona be scared(thats spelt scared its meant to be scar with a -d? how do u spell?) anywayz.. im mite go read a few books till 1am.. i realised i can read a small novel in about 1-2 hours.. lol.. yay.. im gona get throw alot tonight if i decide to stay up.. which i probably wont coz my eyes are already closing.. anywayz im rambling..
mwahz.. xoxo
Samz
ps.. prameeta ur the best.. mwahz thanx heapssss =)
edit: 12:08am.. i will not be stayin up all nite. id be an idiot to even consider it.. nite nite

Dreams

Have you ever had a dream in which you could actually feel? ive been having alot of 'feeling' dreams. a couple nights ago i had one in which i had put somethin in my mouth which was pulling down onto my teeth. it hurt so much and i could actually feel the pain in my dream. if i think about it now i can still remember what it felt like. last night i had a dream there was a really big flood. and my dog was outside.. and i had to quickly bring him inside.. and as soon as i closed the door.. all the water came onto the window.. and i could feel the pressure from outside..i went upstairs and looked out of the window where there was more water. it was soo scary. i could actually feel that i was scared. and when i think about it now i can still feel the same type of stress and scardness *dejavu*
anywayz i looked those things up in a dream dictionary...
Pain: To dream that you are inflicting pain to yourself, indicates that you are experiencing some overwhelming turmoil or problems in your waking life. You are trying to disconnect yourself from your reality by concentrating on the pain that you inflicted to yourself.
Mouth To see a mouth in your dream, signifies your need to express yourself or talk about an issue that's bothering you. On the other hand, perhaps you have said too much and you need to keep your mouth shut.
Flood: To see a raging flood with its muddy debris, signifies that you will have much unsettling occurrences and tribulations in life. Your repressed emotions may be overwhelming you.
Dog: To see a dog in your dream, indicate a skill that you have ignored or forgotten, but needs to be activated. Alternatively, dogs may symbolize intuition, loyalty, generosity, protection, and fidelity. Your own values and intentions will enable you to go forward in the world and succeed.
Water: To see water in your dream, symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy. It is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing and refreshment. If you are splashed by water, then it represents your need to be revitalized and more expressive
ok.. so from all these dream definitions. my dream is about....? tadum dum dahhh... i have supressed emotions and also skills that ive lost or forgotten. my emotions need to be let out and expressed. no to find out what these emotions are about...

Nothin Lasts Forever

nothin ever promised tommorrow today,
nothin lasts forever but be honest babe,
it may hurt but it may be the only way.

sometimes you think ur happy until somethin happens to remind you that ur bak in that mental state of nothingness. i was crusin along. relaxin. no worries. just enjoyin my time. but then i get reminded that we get our results on friday. and then u hav an argument with ur family and then everythin goes bak to how it used to be. yesterday i was soo pissed off..i was at my grandmas house havin a 'discussion' with my dad.. and then my dad's sister.. my aunty. started to say shit in front of me about me.. sayin that im stubborn and i dont listen. she had no rite to talk like that about me. so i told her. not directly to her. but i sorta said loudly to myself. 'what me? stubborn? and i dont listen? wtf u hav no rite to say thatabout me u dont even no me. u dont no how i act. i wana go home.' i had a short tantrum. she pissd me off.. she doesnt no anythin n she sits their judgin me and sayin stuff about me. i dont listen and im stubborn? just becoz i dont let ppl say shit about me or put me down. i stand up for myself she thinks i dont listen and im stubborn. ignorance pisses me off. i dont care if she is my aunty. she doesnt respect me so why should i to her? i dont let my dad talk 2 me like that so what makes any1 think id let my aunty, some1 who i dont see that often. arghh *lets it all out*
so havin arguments with ppl. worryin about my sister. ppl talkin n tellin me stuff.. so i should be worried. but then i look at her n shes ok.. i duno who to believe. if i ignore what they say n sumthin happens? if i confront her n its nuthin?
arghh im such a bum every1s doin somethin.. every1s workin. my cuz who didnt work that hard at school is gettin his mums business the day he turns 18.. hes so lucky.. y is it so easy for some ppl? its not fair. wtf am i gona do with my life. i dont even wana do business at uni anymore. and its not like im even gona get in.. and if i do i dont really wana do it.. i dont wana make the same mistake n pick somethin that i think will be interestin but im totally shit in.. and its gona b borin.. like chem.. : i hav no idea what i wana do.
nothin lasts forever. i have to be woken up from my dream land. and do somethin. get over it. and move on. or ignore all the reminders or reality and continue livin in the top layer of the sky. which 1s betta?

Joseph Conrad Once Wrote:

Who knows what true loneliness is — not the conventional word but the naked terror? To the lonely themselves it wears a mask. The most miserable outcast hugs some memory or some illusion. And as we strain to grasp things the things we desire, the things we think will make our lives better – money, popularity, fame. We ignore what truly matters. The simple things like friendship, family, love. The things we probably already had. And no one wants to end up lonely and sad. As Octavio Paz once wrote: solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition. Man is the only being that knows he is alone.

cornflakes

im gettin really annoyed with all this rain, lightning, and thunder.. the rain on its own is fine.. but lightning kills me.. ever since the tv blew up everytime we see lightning everything gets switched off just in case.. so that means sittin in the dark doin absolutely nothing.. im home alone yay.. but its raining.. i hope it doesnt storm.. or then ill hav nuthin to do..
yesterday i stayed home.. we cleaned the whole house and put up our christmas tree.. lol we put up our tree 2 days early.. talk about bein proactive.. hehe we usually put it up on the 1st but my sisters formals then and we r gona b busy and today they had to go get my sistas eyebrows done.. so yup im home alone, bored..
ive been really bored lately so the other night i decided to msg a few old friends of mine.. like really old.. ppl i havent talked to in more than 6 months or sumthin.. but omg guess wat my fone decides to do! send the same msg to like i duno how many ppl.. maybe 15 or sumthin.. waste my credit.. and then i had to msg those ppl that the msg wasnt meant for them... omg how embarassing..!!!
anywayz i hav no idea wat im gona do today.. i had invited my frends over for lunch.. but only like 3 could come.. thanx 2 those ppl who let me know.. had to cancel it.. not enough ppl.. and coz its raining i thought my dad wouldnt go to work today.. he didnt but hes at my grandmas house.. oh wellz.. i guess i can organise it another day.. hopefully more ppl will wana come..
argh its 10:30 gota take my tablets.. havent even eaten breakfast yet.. brb gona go eat..
omg so instead of eating i had a 10 min conversation with my aunty who just called.. now im gona go eat..
i can eat n type at the same time.. im eatin corn flakes.. they're healthy arent they? yupz.. boredom gets to me.. but im not really bored.. im just in a state of nothing.. i guess im relaxed.. not worryin about anythin eatin my breakkie.. so i call this state bored.. hehe
omg i just remembered i got a huge dilemma.. i duno when im gona watch harry potter! arghh it comes out 2moro.. wat do i do?? i might go watch it with my sista 2moro night.. amanda gona watch it on sat with her friends.. but i feel sorry for nat coz she has no1 2 go c it with.. so ill go with her.. but how bout on tuesday we go n watch it.. i dont mind watchin it again.. i really wana go out next tuesday.. we were meant to go movies yesterday but no1 organised it.. i wanted to see if any1 else would bother organising it.. and no1 really did.. and i couldnt be bothered.. but next week ill try organise it.. dependin on situations.. we should go n watch it.. wait so i think dilemma is over im gona go watch it with my sis.. no1 else has told me they wana go watch it with me 2moro.. so yeh.. go with sis.. dude does this even make sense.. blehh.. hehe
cornflakes hav gotten to my head
bye byez mwah mwah
Sam xoxo

Green Eyed Monsta

arghh.. im emotional again :S *groans* i was goin through all the formal pics from last night.. i duno if it was realising that i might never see these people again or the song im listenin to (james blunt - goodbye my lover) or a combination of both..every1 looked so beautiful last night.. *jealousy* i was so uncomfortable last night.. before i left the house my grandma even said relax.. she said that it can be seen that i wasnt in a good mood from the way i 'carried' myself.. i looked shit and she could tell.. i was just so annoyed.. i dont work well under pressure.. or in a rush.. i need everythin to be organised.. and when my plans change.. i get really stressed.. and me bein stressed comes through to the way i look.. i guess its the same with everyone.. but im so jealous of how beautiful every1 looked.. i knew i shoulda got a new dress.. the whole night i was so unfomfortable in the back of my mind i kept tellin myself that tasha looked heaps betta than me.. i hate bein like that.. i never used to be like that.. i used to be more confident.. i duno whats happend.. ive become heaps more self concsious and yeh.. i hate this feeling.. i thought i was over it all.. i guess i will be tommorrow.. but yeh..
fuk i havent had time to stop and slow down.. im so tired. my brain is tired. i havent had one days rest. i need one day to just stop. stay home. watch my movies. continue a normal routine. but nooo everyday im out.. either shoppin, visitin ppl.. or now helpin my aunty... tommorrow im goin 2 her office to look afta the shop and greet customers while she goes decorates a function.. im gona be so bored.. some1 visit me.! its on The Horsley Drive.. theres a big sign sayin BRIDAL FACTORY.. shes like on th 2nd level or sumthin.. Bejour Event Managment.. any1 can find it.. come c meeee.. and on Sunday i gota go church coz theyre havin this markett/fete day and i gota sell jewellery, makeup and help advertise her business.. arghh i need a break.. i wana stay home.. i wana think.. i wana cry... i just need to rest.. i cant even explain how tired i am.. im running in overload.. im becomming really snappy at people and becomming more impatient.. i hate goin on the net.. atm im away pretendin im playin fullscreen game.. but im not obviously.. i just cbf to talk to anyone.. no1 really wants to talk to me anywayz,,
omg today i was at my aunties shop and she needed an electrician so i called prameeta. i feel so bad.. im sorry.. he really didnt hav to come it wasnt that important.. u had that thing on 2moro.. uze were probably busy.. i didnt even think.. so sorry.. but a really big thanx.. ur dad came out really quickly and was really good at his job.. i was so embarassed to call.. but she needed an electrician b4 monday n today was the only day shed be there..
hmmz.. im so annoyed! lol every1 keeps askin me 4 pics.. but i havent had time 2 upload them onto the net.. and yah.. every1 keeps askin.. maybe i should delete msn.. not like i talk to any1 anymore... doesnt seem like any1 really wants to other than ppl from skool..
anywayz enough depressin blogs.. im just overtired.. and need a break..
bye byezzz
xoxoxo Sam

Happy 1 Year Bloggy =)

twas a friday night at 6:32pm on November 19th 2004.. exactly 1 year to this day that i started my blog..

"i hate feeling bad.. so i try and b happy.. but bein happy means ignoring things.. so im neva goin to be happy 4 real.. artificial happiness.. on the surface only.. until i deal with things.. if i deal with them my whole life will change.. im so scared of changes.. my life is full of them.. im sick of it.. i wanna giv up changing i wanna stay the same...yeh.. anywayz this is makin me feel worse.."

thats quoted from my blog last year.. today, i feel exactly the same.. so i guess i havent changed in that part..
On tuesday we are gona go livo movies.. around 10:30 - 11 pm.. we need to discuss organisations for the formal.. try n go.. its sorta important.. and tell the others if you read this.. so every1 knows about it..

okz... im goin out 2day.. i should go get ready.. bye byez
Sam xoxo

*phew*

ok.. so an update about yesterdays annoyance.. im ok now.. i bought new shoes, i made an appointment for my hair, i got new underwear that works under my dress *giggles in embarassment*, bought a bag, and sorta got more organised in my head.. so i guess im relaxed.. and halfway ready 4 the formal.. omg i saw samantha.k 3 times in the past 2 days.. yesterday at Parra, this mornin at Livo, and tonight at Stockies.. lolz luckily she didnt see me at all today.. so embarassing.. yupz. thats it.. cya

Plain As Dilbert

omg! so now i need to buy new shoes for the formal.. i cant believe i didnt bother tryin on the shoes i had bought with my dress till day.. well i did.. n u c an c the top of my shoe.. n its really ugly.. my shoes arent formal shoes.. they're like goin out/work/business shoes.. not formal dressy shoes.. n now i gota spend more money on new 1s.. im so annoyed coz ive like spent 300 of my own money on this stupid formal which is for only 1 day.. n my dad only gave me 300.. arghh its way to much im so stupid.. i bought all these lil bits n pieces n it all adds up.. i bought a necklace, earrings, and a ring today.. they're green.. they were only 60 for the lot.. so i guess im happy bout that.. but all the rest.. :S ive got shoes that dont match my dress, underwear thingos that dont even do anythin *grrr* and a dress that somebody already has :S omg.. im so annoyed i cant explain how much i am.. and im really really annoyed and gettin so stressed about thur.. i dont hav an appointment for my hair.. no idea whos gona do my makeup coz my aunty keeps tellin me to get her sons gf to do it 4 me.. no idea how every1 is gettin there.. i still dont no if i need to organise another car.. i duno where every1 is meetin.. i duno whats gona happen afta the formal.. r ppl gona come over.. r we gona go to any afta parties.. arghh so stressed.. i hate organisin it all.. i duno what to do.. i seriously need every1 to group together n tell me what they want! there is no way that all of us r gona b able to talk b4 the formal.. and i cbf to ring every1 n ask them.. but then i feel bad coz i feel responsible for the groupiness of the group.. im the 1 who wants every1 to stay in touch n b together.. if i didnt care i bet every1 would just go by themselves n we'd meet there... but i really dont want that.. anywayz im just really stressed.. lettin it all out.. *breath* "goossfraabaaa".. ok all good now i think.. until some1 brings up the formal again n ill b like arghh..
hehe anywayz bye bye
Samantha xoxo

..:: I Miss U.. But Ur Not Missing.. So I Guess Its My Misfortune.. ::..

today me amy n steven went stockies n watched the 40 yr old virgin.. omg those guys and the sponsor a child thing.. shook our hands, talked to us.. yay they thought we were older than we r :) anywayz thats it.. short n sweet.. cyaa

hmmz..i will title this somethin beta when im not brain dead..

arghh i really wana write what happened today but my brain is so tired.. i laughed so much today.. it felt good.. but im completely gone now.. ok it all started when we went to school to sign out.. yay our last day ever at school.. so this is a brief introduction and narrative of our exciting adventures and journeys into an unkown parallelium area of new meetings and strange followings and stalkings.. i am currently brain dead, incapable of proper thought and speech, i will explain this to you properly in person.. coz its weird to type.. to long..

well yeh this guy named Soraya... we dont no him he just came to our school last year... a few months ago.. on a tues me pam steven akansha went livo n he saw steven n he rememberd him.. so we started talkin to him n then like he sorta followed us for an hour coz he was bored.. we thought ok.. he was bored that day.. 2day we went to livo.. n we were in the carpark.. n i saw him.. he was goin home.. but then he saw steven.. n i saw him walk bak into livo.. we walked near the movies.. n he was there he said hi.. we said hi.. then we said we gota go.. cya next thing we no.. we're in galaxy world n we c him running towards us puffin outa breath.. thennn he followed us n goes im bored im just gona hang around uz.. we were like ok.. 10 min n we gona go somewhere else anywayz we decided to go burwood.. shelly bought a street directory n everythin n then... he decided to come with us.. i seriously thought he'd sit in shellys car n squish up in the back.. but he had his own caar so hed follow us.. n thenn he was in his car n we were in shellys but he got lost.. so we just kept goin n then we got lost.. we didnt no how 2go burwood so we went parra n then he called us.. n hes like omg im somewher ein villawood i duno where i am n we were seriously not gona tell him where we were.. but we just told him we r lost in parra we ate.. n then he called.. so we said we're lost n we r gona look 4 parra westfields.. n then he came! n he found us in parra n he followed us around for like 1 hour n then we all went home n he was complainin it was borin but it was so funny coz hes so weird n no1 wanted him 2 come lol u seriously had to be there it took us about 3 hours till he found us at parra from the time he left livo n he only stayed for an hour

p.s i 4got to add that he was really really hungry.. he hadnt eaten.. he was tellin steven to eat at livo.. but we told him we were gona wait till burwood.. n we had already eaten at parra by the time he found us.. he was hungry, lost, n alone..

i feel guilty at laughin at other peoples misfortunes.. but u gota understand how funny it was..

lol ps.ps... i 4got to add that he has steven n shellys numbers... uh oh..

My Life A Series Or Chapter Book?

Too much crying
my heart is burning now
I'm standing here on my own
I feel so alone

So, its the end of the hsc.. and how am i meant to be feeling? i feel like this-
:l
totally lost, looking at the wall, looking for answers. What am i supposed to do now? Its not boredom, its contemplation. Im thinking- thinking about the next minute, the next hour, the next day, the next week, the next year. About 10 hours ago, i closed a chapter of my life, well not exactly. I have reached the part at the end of the book when you realise that the character is supposed to live happily ever or as in the case of my life, you realise that the book is about to end and you have to read the next installment of the book to find out what happens. Its just like TV shows, like Neighbours, its 6:50pm and you know theres 10 more minutes left of the show. You know that a commerical will appear and that after the commercial nothing really develops in the story, leaving the issue unresolved. I guess that's what has happened so far in my life. I've finished my exams and now i wait. Currently im experiencing a commercial break, and i'm waiting to see what is about to happen, what will happen tommorrow? I'm waiting to see how my life will turn out, im waiting for previews of my future. During this time i can't experience any developments in my life because its still the ad. If i were to develop or change right now, no one will know, no one will be ready - I wont be ready.

HSC IS OVER!

the hsc is over!

hmmz..remember when i was young?

arghh.. why wont i do anything? every1s finished there hsc.. well not everyone.. but it seems like everyone has.. and im stuck with business in another 2 days.. or is it 3.. i cant even count anymore? somethings wrong with me.. i cant concentrate.. i cant think.. i cant even do simple things.. my brain is depleting.. im STUPID! i feel really dumb,, yesterday was my dads cuzinz cuzinz son's birthday lol (i just threw that long list as a joke haha.. nahh but seriously thats how we r related..) his names Kaizar... n hes sooo cute.. he has like a lil mohawk. and omg its so cute.. it naturally stands up.. ohh wait ill put a picture..

aww how cute.. hes blowing a kiss.. hes a cutie.. he just turned 1.. btw thats cake in his hands.. he was feedin himself.. got a lil messy
anywayz at his party my cuz took us 2 his comp n made us play who wants to be a millionaire coz there was nuthin else 2 do.. and i felt so dumb i didnt no anythin and one of my other cuzinz who was like 12 knew heaps more than me.. :(

anywayz today i bought my friend a birthday pressie and shoes 4 the formal :( lol im so stupid.. i really wanted 2 go shopping with every1.. but i couldnt wait.. i really wanted these shoes.. ohh i wana go take a picture of my shoes.. hold up.. lol...

anywayz.. there not all that.. but i luv them.. theyre so cute.. they were $140 and they came in this white box with a cute luv heart on it.. and inside the box was another small white box with a luv heart and inside that were extra soles for the shoe 2 replace them in case they wear out.. omg i luv shoes... they're so fun.. and its ok. there not that dressy and they dont need to be coz my dress covers them.. so these shoes are versitle and i can wear them anywhere i want.. :D omg like im excited about shoes.. am i a girl or what?
i remember when i was younger i used to be so scared that people would think i was a guy.. thats why i would emphasise my earrings.. coz earring meant that u were a girl.. and i always tried to look like a girl.. i always wanted long hair.. it was as though i feared that people would think i was a guy coz i acted like one.. now. that i sorta look like a girl.. (i guess) i mean i got a girly figure.. *giggles* lol (immaturity) yah.. i get annoyed.. lol omg hav u seen that ad about those little girls and they all like put on bras n stuff.. pretendin to be older.. wantin boobs.. and it goes 'remember when u used 2 be excited to find change.. now it could save ur lives Breast Cancer sumthin' lol.. yeh anywayz my mum goes to me ohhh i remember when u used to do that.. and i was like wtf no i didnt.. and after she thought about it awhile she realised i didnt.. lmao.. my mum was livin in a movie lolz.. i used to always be so embarassed.. and yeh cover up alot i didnt like changes.. haha.. im a girl now..
im gona be 18 :'( lol.. its still young but yet so old.. and its gona happen so soon.. but it seems like forever.. and now i seem to be rambling on about who noes wat... so i betta stop..
bye byez
sam xoxo

Addiction

Kanye West Once Sang In His Song Addiction:

"What's your addiction? Is it money? Is it girls? Is it weed?
I've been afflicted by not one, not two, but all three"
....
"Why everything that's supposed to bad make me feel so good
Everything they told me not to is exactly what I would
Man I tried to stop man I tried the best I could
But (You make me smile)"

according to www.dictionary.com addiction is defined as:
a) Compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit-forming substance: a drug used in the treatment of heroin addiction.
b) The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or or involved in something

there are many types of addictions.. the ones im talking about arent drugs and stuff like that.. mostly about addictions of the second definition..
some people are addicted to lying, to attention, some are addicted to irratating habits.. like biting their fingernails, using certain words of phrases that have become cliches..
everyone must be addicted to something.. it could be anything.. i have to admit im addicted to.. now that i think about it i have no idea what i am addicted to.. i have no particular hobby.. i dont have any skills.. i dont do something alot.. actually i can be very irratating.. overtalking.. annoying at times.. can someone be addicted to talking? or wanting to always have someone to talk to? is that a sort of addiction? addiction for human conversation?
why is everything thats supposed to be bad make me feel so good? thats so true.. chocolate, icecream, sweets of all kinds. addictive yet so so bad for you.. hmmz apart from food.. being addicted to the net, the fone, tv.. stuff like that cannot be good for you..
i have to admit i was once addicted to the net.. but recently ive been withdrawn from it.. if im at the computer desk my status is online.. if im not at the computer; if im downloadin or something my status is away or busy.. even if im busy but at the desk im online.. recently i havent been 'online' often.. i dont wanna talk to anyone..i sorta know why.. not because of exams.. i could easily study and go online but.. i duno.. recently ive started to think about my friends who are only my friends through the net.. people i see around once in awhile but only talk to alot over the net.. imagine if i didnt have the net.. how would i talk to these supposed 'friends'.. some of my bestest friends that i trust are only through the net.. i c here and there but... yeh.. since that guy passed away.. ive been thinking.. if i didnt talk to my cuzin i would have never known he had passed away.. what if one day one of my net friends *god forbid* passes away.. how would i find out? no one would contact me.. no1 would know that i exist.. there is no way i would find out.. so i just figured that if i stopped talking to some people or came online less regularly and limited conversation then it would reduce the pain..
if i were another person telling me how i felt right now i would tell myself that i should make the most of it and its not likely to happen and blah blah but i cant seem to listen to my own advice.. its just so confusing.. i really think im going crazy.. im really confused and sad all the time for no reason.. i get annoyed very easily.. i worry so much about everything and anything..im just so emotional..
lol maybe im only emotional when im on the net.. im not sure.. i went stokies today.. it was good to get out... i was a little hyper but then i got tired and became abit lost.. im so tired
i miss my friends.. i miss talking to my friends at school.. i miss talking to my friends over the net.. i still talk.. but i miss those conversations.. the uncontrollable laughter.. the fun.. i need those times.. i miss it all :(

arghh

i feel like crying.. but when is that unusual? arghh im really annoyed and pissed off.. my sister just told me that natasha has my formal dress.. omgggg i knew i shouldnt buy it from a place so common.. but then i figured every1 will think its common so theyd not go there.. arghh its sooo annoying.. i really dont wana wear it anymore.. its so embarassing.. i cant even return it.. u can only return afta 7 days.. and i liked it.. :( i duno wat to do now... its gona b the same thing... :( im so pissed off.. and i dont even no why.. when i read back i feel like one of those 'girls' im not like that i dont wana b like that.. i dont care.. arghh but i doo.. and i dunno yyyy : maybe its coz im havin a really bad day..
i woke up at 5.. studied for chem.. couldnt concentrate.. caught the bus.. ppl kepts remindin me about steven(saro).. made me sad.. my stomach sorta kept like jumping wheneva they said somethin bout him.. went into the exam.. did shit.. came out at around 12.. was sittin outside the hall nigelated till 12:35 coz i had to giv stevn his fone. then i walked home.. i was walkin it was hot i was tired and sleepy.. and to make things worse i saw a dead bird.. it was like 5cm away from my foot it scared me.. and then i kept walkin and i saw a four leaf clover so i thought ok i might hav good luck and just as i said that sumthin moved in the long grass i jumped and sorta stumbled and kept walkin and then some guy yelled out somthin to me from a car.. that scared me too.. and i jumped.. i hav no idea wat he said but he was prob cursin or sumthin.. it was like a mumble.. :S and then i came home and prameeta called me and that was good talkin to her.. and then i came on the computer and played a game.. that was fine.. and then my sis came home and told me roxanna said that she was talkin 2 natashas sister and describin the dress that i hav to her coz roxanna liked it too and had tried it on.. and while describin it natashas sista said ohh my sis has that.. and then roxanna told her i have it to.. and then they told my sis and my sis told me.. and now i feel like shit again... everythin seems to be going wrong.. i was so looking forward to the formal and now im dredding it.. i cant do anything about it now.. im stuck with the dress.. its to late to do anythin about it.. i cant return it.. im so not wastin my money on another dress.. and now i gota concentrate on makin my dress look completely different to hers.. it was my dress i dont like sharing :( im so mean.. but i cant help it.. i hate havin plans that get ruined.. its really irritating... :( i like order and organisation and then when something like this happens my whole mind goes psycho..
oh wellz wat can i do about it now? nothin..
on a plus note ill never have to do english, legal, maths, bio, chem ever again.. ever ever never never! only one more exam.. business next wednesday.. and hopefully if i get a good uai ill be able to continue business at uni.. *waaa* im not gona get a good uai.. and then i hav to waste 1 whole year at TAFE.. aww i wana go to uni i wana go to uni *hopes that repeating this may make the people who write fate and destiny will hear me and make me do well* plz plzzzz... lolz.. anywayz this is way to long..enough bitchin from me
cya
xoxo Samantha

Roses

i duno how im feelin atm.. but i cant concentrate.. my minds distracted.. yesterday my cuzn told me that this guy named steven passed away from a car accident on friday.. he used to go to our school.. he was her xs good frend.. he had curly hair n was assyrian... do uze remember him? i think sheenal used to talk to him on her free periods.. its not like i knew him that well but im really shocked.. i talked to him a couple times when ma cuz n her bf were out or wateva.. its so weird.. i cant believe it. its so sad. and i duno wat to do.. i havent told anyone that hes passed coz i didnt no him and its not my place to tell everyone.. i think maybe sheenal should no coz she talked to him i think.. but i dont wana tell her till afta she finishes her exams.. i mean she didnt really no him but she talked to him more than i did and if im affected its probably gonna be worse for her :( i still dont know why i feel so affected by it.. i seriously cant cocentrate.. he was so young.. and hes gone?
"You dont see that we hurt
But still...
...I smile
The roses come to see me
And I can't wait for a sunny day
(Im seeing it through your eyes)
Can't wait for the clouds to break"
i keep tellin my self that a day will come where we can smile again.. i keep thinkin that after the hsc everything will be fine.. we'd be happy and everythin but i duno now somethin like this happens and its just a reminder that bad things happen all the time and we cant help them or stop them from happening.. why are humans one of the biggest and smartest creatures on earth but we cant do anythin about the pain that surrounds each of us.. we cant prevent bad things happening.. argh im just really annoyed about how the world works...RIP Steven..

arguments

hmmz.. today was a total waste.. woke up 2 disappointment that we werent going out 2day.. so spent all day watchin movies.. then around like 6 we went to visit my aunty.. she has my dress coz i wanted 2 fix the straps.. and she wouldnt let me take it home.. its a really long story but it has sumthin to do with my dad n blah blah n yeh its not even any of her business.. but still.. and i felt so shit coz i got really annoyed and i snapped out to her that 'its my dress i can do wateva i want' :S and thats wen shes like 'dont think im doin this 2 annoy u..' and started a whole guilt trip thing.. i feel so bad now but still.. my mum said dw coz shes always like that.. but it was so disrespectful of me.. she was just tryin to be nice.. afta that i went to my other aunties coz that aunty couldnt do the straps coz its a sorta awkward design and my other aunty would b better at shortinin it.. and my cuz whos like the best helps me alot with school stuff didnt ask me how the hsc was or anythin.. he began to say hows the hsc but stopped himself and said or ud rather not talk about it.. later when we were goin home i asked my mum like y he was like that n if she told him how i was n she goes she told him how im stressin and finding it really hard blah blah bullshit.. i mean omg she exaggerates and makes up stuff.. i didnt tell her maths was hard.. i said it was ok.. and that i didnt care coz i didnt study.. and she goes n tells every1 how hard maths was..and then i got into an argument bout how embarassing she can b at times by sayin stuff about me 2 complete randoms blah blah.. n then she started a whole guilt thing.. made me feel bad bout bringin it up..argh y r ppl like that.. they complain that ohh u neva talk to me.. ur like a stranger to me.. blah blah n then wen u tell them how ur feelin or try to clear the air they get all annoyin n stuff..
and omg im soooooo annoyed and disappointed over the stupidest thing.. i was so excited day light saving was startin.. coz i thought that if i wake up at 5am normal time.. wen daylight saving starts it would b 4am.. but nooo i was wrong.. it would actually be 6am that means im waking up later and losing time!!! im soo disappointed.. im losing an hour of my life and my whole systems gona go crazy.. im gona b so tired all the time and b like in this mood 4eva.. i hate being tired and sleepy i cant think and overthink...

5 down 2 to go

Biology was today and i totally stuffed it up.. i studied.. but it seemed like i studied all the wrong things.. there was alot of bullshitting involved.. i walked out at i think around 11-11:30 i cant remember the exact time. but i still feel really guilty about it.. and its not like if i stayed there id magically remember stuff.. i was finished and thats all i could write.. i got so bored at around 10:30-11 that i just wanted to stop writing and walk out.. i was so not in the mood.. and then we stayed back at the library to study 4 chem and that was sorta a waste.. we did study a bit.. but only 'a bit' omg im so upset atm i duno why but i am.. i think i maybe overtired.. i hate it when im in this mood.. i really wanna sleep but i dont wanna miss out on anythin..and i am extremely bored.. : *yawns and screams* i need socialisation.. to many exams is stressin me out and making me tired.. and i am really really really worried about chem.. i dont no anything.. im not gona learn anything.. and i will never no anything.. i really dont wanna do bad :( i cant b bothered to try.. im to lazy and tired and fed up with all the exams.. arghhh i hate them.. its to time consuming.. and ive got 2 weeks left! and only 2 exams. id rather they were on this monday and following tuesday so id never hav to sit and wait for an exam again.. : blehh total mind collapse.. save the last dance is on.. 1 of my fav movies and im not even watchin it coz if i go in my room ill fall asleep so i wasted my time.. wouldnt even get to watch the movie.. i cant keep my eyes open theyre gona start to burn.. : i need help..
*dizziness spins around falls to the ground, yells outloud, and talks to imaginary friend*
signs of insanity? maybe.. maybe not..
talking to urself is probably one..
bye byez
xoxo

yay formal dress =)

hmmz yesterday i went to parramatta with my mum, aunty and sis.. and my sis wanted to look at formal dresses.. and i bought 1! lol i really wanted to go shopping with every1.. but i couldnt leave it incase it wasnt there later on.. but ill still go shoppin with every1 coz i need shoes.. anyways its black.. the front is simple and straight cut.. the bodice has sorta silky/scrunchy material.. the back its sorta backless.. with a v shaped cut down to my ass.. but it has like thick stringy things across my back.. its long down to the floor... and at the back the material is a lil longer and sorta has a train.. its a cocktaily sorta dress... and i think i look really old and taller in it.. lol i hope i dont feel uncomfortable wearin it.. : its sorta revealing.. well not really but to me it is considerin the type of clothes i usually wear.. ohh and 1 bad thing about it is that i bought it from harts :( i 1st saw it in myer.. and i liked it.. and i kept lookin round n round and headed into harts when i saw it again and then i tried it on and then i really liked it so yeh i had to get it.. i cant wait till the formal.. and i still dont no who can do makeup.. and hair.. amy if ur sis is willing to come here then i wouldnt mind her doin makeup.. but im prob gona go get my hair done at a hairdresser..
ahh 2moros maths im meant to be studying :'( but i dont wanaaa. i hate mathssss.. im gona fail anywayz and im really annoyed that they dont show ur mark if its under 30.. and im gona hav this unknown result.. *waaaa* its so embarassing.. i no i should study but whats the point when its gona get kicked out?
im so hungry and got a headache.. ohh my aunty is rentin out this office space for her business in whethrill park in the industrial area.. any1 seen the bridal factory shops.. they have formal dresses in that block? its all the way down cowpasture road and u turn right at the huge roundabout n keep driving down... anywayz my dads been helpin her turn 1 large room into a few rooms.. been buildin walls n stuff.. and its sooo kool.. its painted blue with a sponge effect and it looks really cloudy and shes told me her design ideas and its gona b sooo pretty.. i wana work there after the hsc its gona b her showroom and stuff.. :) i hope she'd hire me..
lol i wana do so much after the hsc.. i duno wat im gona do 1st.. and i dont wana do everythin all at once coz then ill run outa things and watste my time..
my dads like washin his car.. but isnt there water restrictions still? oh well no1 tell on him and call the water restrictin patrol cars coz then he'll get in shit.. heehehehee
im growin so impatient i want the hsc to end rightt nowwwwwwwww.. lol legal on friday was good.. i was on BOS forum n ppl postin there answers for multiple choice and i think i got around 12/15 lol so im happy :D yay ok i better end this and go do sumthin.. maybe eat.. i duno.. sumthin anythin..

Q. Why is the alphabet in alphabetical order? A.The order is correlated with the lunar asterisms OR its just a coincidence.. OR that the alphabet came first and then the order came second.. comment ur ideas :) haha iwana c wat the best answer is.. and i wana no whos actually readin.. comment comment! even if i dont no who u r.. lolz :P i dont mind strangers readin my blog.. its ok.. haha
ANYHOO cya laterz... Samantha xoxox

I DONT KNOW :S

i duno why im blogging AGAIN.. but i am.. i need to keep busy.. im bored and i need to stimulise my mind.. am i happy? or am i overtired? i love rhetorical questions becoz they can be interpreted differently dependin on whos readin.. but only i when re-reading truely no how i was feeling at the time.. am i sad? am i confused? do i no where im gona be tomorow? am i confused about school? about my family? about my friends? my future? my tomorrow? my life? what am i doing and where am i going? do i feel as though im going crazy? am i worried? am i worried about my family? about my friends? about my life? about school? am i anxious? am i anxious to see what my future holds? about my future relationships with people? about my friends? am i scared? am i lost? ambivelant? depressed? mellow? cruisin? whats going on with my brain? r u gettin confused? do u no who i am? do u care about me? do u realise i exist? would u save me from myself? would u guide me through the world? would u look after me? am i regretful about my past? does my past bring horrible memories? memories that i enjoy? memories that make me happy? memories that will last forever? memories that have made me gain experiences? am i annoyed? am i annoyed at myself? at my family? at my life's situation? at my friends?
the answer to all these questions is I DONT KNOW.. these questions run through my mind 24/7.. i am constantly thinking.. i dont know what im thinking about and i dont know the answers to any of these questions. i wonder what kind of person i was and what person i have become.. "who i am, hates who ive been" or who i will become..i have been so lost and confused and this is how my life is. i am constantly in the ambivalent world.. not knowing whats to come. its not even a nice not knowing like a suprise.. this not knowing makes me anxious and my heart beats faster and i breathe heavier a lump forms at the back of my throat and i feel like crying. but then i dont becoz i no if i cry that i will be faced with alot more questions in my mind. id be questioned on the type of person i am.. and sometimes my brain isnt able to cope with all these thoughts.. and im scared to release my emotions in fear of new questions.. ones in which i have never faced before. a new unknown...

1 down.. 6 to go

i feel sick.. like im gona throw up.. not becoz of the hsc exams.. lol becoz i ate like a hamburger n chips.. and eww.. i feel gross.. to much oil..
anywayz yay english aos is now over :D only 6 more exams to go.. and i think the 1st ones always the hardest but then u get into the routine and the exams become less scary.. omg im like addicted to the bored of studies forum.. and im readin wat ppl thought of todays exam.. and some ppl wrote 1 and a half booklets.. 10 pages + omg.. i wrote like 3 and a half - section 1... 5 and a half - section 2.. and 4 and a half- section 3.. but my writing is small.. but still.. :(
anywayz yesterday i was so scared.. i hadnt studied.. and i had a really bad fever.. and my appendix hurt.. especially when i laughed.. and i laugh when im scared.. i become hysterical.. so yesterday i was in hysterics and in pain.. so very contradicting.. if thats the word.. its a paradox..
the exam was alright.. omg i cant wait till its all over.. i hate talkin about school all the time. its annoys me. and my room is so messy its not funny. i slept in amandas room last night coz of many reasons. 1. my bed is really uncomfortable lately 2.the light from outside it to bright. 3. my room is to messy 4. i was lonely :( lol na jokes about that..
yay its gona b over.. 'i am the master of disguise.. i am the master of disguise.. i am the master of disguise... ' hehe (master of disguise).. ohh i remember i watched step mum its sooo sweet and sad.. i like the quote about saying never.. never say never unless ur prepared to say never twice.. e.g ill neva neva forget u.. aww
my cuz is here.. hes 6.. he didnt go to school today coz he said hes sick.. hes wearin a spongebob t-shirt.. aww :D

язggаэтои Lатіио

Bailen, Yales
Muevan, Suden
Sientan el poder
del reggaeton latino
Bailen, Yales
Muevan, Suden
Sientan el poder
del reggaeton latino

ok i have no idea what those lyrics mean but im in luv with the song.. by Don Omar..
yeh. well today i did nuthing. as usual.. but it sorta finally hit me that my sisters start school on monday and im not going.. im sorta startin to freak out.. i havent studied at all.. and im fully serious.. not lying.. i dont know where my minds been lately but its as though i had fooled it into thinkin we have alot more than 9 days left till the hsc.. :S shit 9 days.. its so little when you see it written.. arghh *starts pullin hair out*

anywayz.. my 'holidays' have been boring. and weird. very weird. i have been very alone. maybe more than usual.. sorta isolated. the other night i sorta went very emotional and couldnt stop crying and i couldnt even remember why.. i think it was coz i read alot of my old entries and diary.. it was weird looking back on my life when it was only a few months ago. its really weird to see how much ive changed.. or how much ive learnt to cover my true identity.. at the beginning of last year i think i was secretive and very cautious about who i talked to about my problems and stuff.. slowly i got over that and began trusting people and would have looong conversations with people about my life and my issue...ive noticed recently that i have yet again changed.. ive become my old self again.. very cautious about who i talk to and what i talk about.. i think its probably because i dont want people to care. or overcare. or worry.. it makes me feel bad and very selfish. i hated talking to people because it would seem thats all i did.. - talk about my problems, talk about me, me.. me.. me.. i didnt like that.. i felt so selfish and self absorbed. well not really. not at the time.. now that i look back on it thats how i felt i WAS acting.. now that im more cautious and more.. happy.. if thats the word.. its as though a few people dont talk to me how they used to.. dont get me wrong my friends are beautiful and i love them.. its just other people who arent around me that often.. people i see once in awhile or talk to not so often..they seem to only talk to me when i have problems. maybe im not interesting when i dont wana talk about my issues. i mean its still me.. its just that im more sensored. and its not because i dont like you or because im ignoring you or i feel weird around you.. its just that im trying to change. i wana listen more to other people and quit talking about myself... these holidays are annoying me.. ive had to much time to think and as you can tell gone a lil crazy.. overthinking.. contemplating (my new fav word.. doesnt it sound smart? :D) yah..

anywayz another thing i wana talk or 'bitch' about.. its mostly about secrets and trust and stuff.. when im told a secret and told by the person to keep it to myself i keep it with me forever.. if a person tells me something that i feel should be kept a secret or i would want to keep it a secret then i also keep it.. but if someone tells me something about someone else.. i dont always repeat it but i do sometimes keep it to myself.but theres less emphasis on keeping something like that a secret.. ok now thats established.. what happens if someone tells you a secret and you agree to keep it secret.. you may not be that close as friends.. but yeh.. then the next day someone whos a lil closer to you goes to you 'guess what! blah blah blah and repeats the supposed 'secret'.. after u tell that person 'yeh i already knew'.. they get all annoyed u didnt tell them coz they r probably closer friends.. ok so what do you do. becoz it was a secret i wouldnt talk to that person about what i know and just listen to what they know and continue keeping it a secret.. but if that person found out through another person and not the secret teller itself.. would u tell the secret teller that ur frend found out from someone else.. or would u keep that too a secret? woah if anyone understood that i would appreciate your opinions.. if you didnt dont worry i didnt either :D

yah anywayz im really bored and killin time till im sleepy.. bye byez [1:01am]
xoxo samantha

...::: аятіfісіаℓ нарріиєѕѕ :::...

omg does any1 wana go see the merchants of bollywood. or is anyone already goin so i can go with uze.. i wonder how much it costs.. i would luv to go see it.. im startin to really like that whole indian feel to things.. is ashwaria ray (spell check) or wateva her name in it? there was a girl who looked like her..

соиfєѕѕіоиѕ оf а тєєиаgє dяама qчєєи

ok..the title of this blog is a tad dramatic.. but i wanted to make it interesting.. and i liked the movie.. its like a new beginning of my life is about to arrive.. as i close a chapter in my life it allows a new clean start.. i was inspired after reading i think it was akanshas site to make a similar 'sorry' page thingo.. its sorta hard for me and i guess for anyone to apologise for what they've done coz it involves you admitting that you have made mistakes or done somethin bad enough to apologise for it.. its sorta embarassing too because i may apologise for something that noone noticed.. which makes another problem and a cause for another apology..
Quote: 'im sorry for telling every1 u had diorehha and laughing and im sorry for just mentioning it again' (mean girls) duno the exact words but that one apology caused a reaction of many other apologies and im scared that if i apologise for one small tiny thing it will create the need for another and another..
maybe i should provide a disclaimer.. it is up to the individuals own discretion to further read..and if you do not want to accept the apology or you feel there was no need for the apology or if u once believed the situation did not exist.. then ignore.. hehe
hmmz where do i start.. so many people..ok maybe my family.. and then friends and net friends and other ppl...
mum.. sorry for not listenin to u, for yelling at u, for not helpin around the house more.. sorry for disappointing u..
dad.. sorry we dont get along.. sorry i hate u.. i dont.. i cant hate anyone hate it too strong of a word.. sorry i dont like u.. i dont.. 'i dont like u' is still too strong for me. im just sorry we arent able to sit in the same room for more then 2 mintues..
sisters. sorry for getting annoying and bossy.. i dont mean it im just tryin 2 look after uz.. sorry for bein overprotective at times.. its just me tryin to look out over uze..
nonorta.. sorry for gettin 'snappy' at u at times.. u annoy me greatly.. and im sorry im not able to tell u in words face to face exactly how i feel.. im sorry im not strong enough to tell u off for upsetting me.. im sorry i let u walk all over me.. im really sorry i let it get this far that even the smallest things u do can piss me off.. its just that uve hurt me in so many ways that i cant take it anymore.. im really sorry that because of this great annoyance i feel at times im not able to share that friendship we once had.. im sorry that u can probably feel this awkwardness i feel.. which causes u to dislike me and giv me those 'looks'.. i really sorry..
cuzinz.. sorry for not getting to no alot of you as much as i should have. im sorry that im not able to talk to a few of the older ones coz i feel intimidated by them making me shy.. im sorry im not a guy to go pick up chicks and go cruising with uz.. im sorry that u feel that u hav to be overprotective with me..
amy.. im so sorry that at times when i no u needed someone to talk to i didnt have the right words to talk to you.. im sorry that sometimes im not able to entertain you enough or to make you feel better.. im sorry that there are some things that you are not able to share with me.. i understand its private.. but i feel so bad that you hav to deal with things which can affect u at times..
prameeta.. im sorry that at times im not able to relate to you situations at home n stuff.. i just dont understand how someone can be so good.. but im glad that u do wat u do stayin true to yourself.. im sorry that i dont show u how much i like u :D i really do appreciate you friendship its just that i may not be as touchy or sensitive as you are.. im not able to express my thanks for all the times youve helped me i really do appreciate it and ill forever be greatful..
sheenal.. im so sorry that i never got to know you as well as i could have.. i guess we were beginning to get closer.. but im sorry i didnt get to see ur other side.. and maybe share a few more moments.. but its not over.. ill try as hard as i can to keep in contact coz ur a great friend i wouldnt wana lose..
steven.l.. im sorry that im stupid and that i can annoy u alot.. and im sorry for constantly telling u how overprotective u r over ur sister.. as a friend maybe i should try to see ur side of it other than taking ur sisters side.. im sorry that i dont tell u that ur hot and sexy like evry1 else.. hehe its just my inability to joke around just in case other people think im serious.. im sorry for being gullable and worrying what other people think of me..
chloe.. im sorry that awhile ago i had this major feeling that u didnt like me.. i dont no if it was true and i dont no if it still is true but im really sorry coz after i began to feel that my defenses came up and i started backing off.. im sorry that i didnt allow our friendship to grow
shelly.. im sorry that at times i would talk about u to other people about my growing concern that you were shoving people off and not allowing friendships to grow. im sorry i never tried to do anything about that..im sorry that you were never able to talk to me about anything.. and im really sorry for not even trying in the first place..
eunice.. im soo sorry that i was never able to get to know you better.. i can tell that you are a wonderful person.. and i wish that i had taken the time to talk to you a little longer..maybe even an extra few minutes to each conversation may hav made our friendship even stronger..
akansha.. im so sorry that at times i wasnt able to comfort you. im sorry that sometimes i knew something was wrong but i intentionally ignored it coz i didnt no wat to say.. im not too good with words.. im really sorry..
pamela.. im sorry that our friendship slipped over the years.. we were once great friends.. im sorry that you felt i had changed too much for us to remain close.. im sorry i wasnt able to tell you some things in my life but i felt you wouldnt be able to relate to me..
anna.. im sorry that you probably think im weird at times.. im sorry that the times you spent at our school before you left you felt you wernt able to trust anyone.. im also sorry that i think in yr 8 i broke the string off one of ur tops.. i still feel bad about that..
guillermo.. im sorry that i didnt get to know you at school as much as i could have.. im sorry for being weird and u giving me those weird looks..(every1 noes the msn emoticon.. the guil look.. *raises eyebrow*) sorry that its sometimes weird to talk to me..
michael.. im sorry that i did something to make u hate me.. im sorry that u felt u have to lie and tell people u dont remember me.. did i hurt u that much? im sorry that wat we had wasnt that great.. im sorry that i dont regret it though and that ill never forget u..
phillip.. im sorry that i wasted my time with u.. im sorry that i dont talk to you anymore.. im sorry that u lie to other people.. and try and flirt with my cuzin and use me to get to her.. im sorry that i liked u at one time..
belinda. im sorry that i didnt keep in contact as well as i should have.. we always plan to go out or meet up.. but it never seems to happen..im sorry that while u were at our skool our group would tease u.. i really cant remember y.. but im sorry..
moe... im sorry that i cant show how much i appreciate the friendship u have given me.. im sorry for making things awkward at times.. im sorry for being confused all the time.. im sorry that im not able to help u wen u need someone to talk to.. like ive said previously im not good with words.. im sorry i have burdend u with so much and yet u dont even complain.. im sorry that im not able to psychologise u and give u advice as well as u have given me.. im so sorry but i hope u no that u hav gained a frend from me for life no matter what..ill be ther 4 u
im sorry for anyone i have forgotten to apologise to.. im sorry for having reasons to apoloise.. i no that simply apologsing wont make me a better person.. but i hope it will help me realise what ican change to become a better person and someone that people can trust..
Friendship is like peeing in your pants.. everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth of it. thank u for being the pee in my pants..
yah... lol its 11:04pm. took me an hour to write this up...

lol one last thing.. im sorry this entry was sooo long.. =)

рℓєаѕє ряотєст мє

its 1:22am.. monday oct 2005.. or really late sunday nite.. its late. im tired. im bored. i feel sick. i feel like crying.

edit: http://spaces.msn.com/members/mzme/PersonalSpace.aspx?owner=1 <--my space

Hmmz...

its funny how u can b some1s frend but not no them.. and not know some1 but actually be their frend n b really close.. im sittn here thinkn about all the friendships ive had with all different ppl.. short and long friendships.. ppl who i talked 2 only once but still remember the conversations. people on the net who enlightened me with small words. or really long conversations but when faced the person in a real life situation only shared a few words. its weird how some ppl r able to communicate so thoroughly through words rather than voice. and others are only able to express their thoughts through voice and conversation, through hand gestures and facial expressions. sometimes im able to think what i want to say but find it difficult to express that feeling into words orally. but i am able to write it down
past seems to catch up to u alot.. my cuzn reminded me of some1.. and then i saw him.. havent seen him or talked 2 him in about a year now.. get a weird feeln in my tummy thinkn about it. sometimes its best not 2 remember the past. not think or dwell about the future and just live in the moment.its the best way to live. but it leaves u stranded. especially wen i need 2 plan the future and think about my life. everytime i think about the need to studyin my tummy flips and i feel awful.. really sad.. i hav no idea y.. its the worst feelin.. :( i cant explain it.. maybe its one of those times when u need to c my facial expression 2 understand what im trying to say...

To Be Determined...

omg im bored.. we're in English in the library meant to be doin some of our essays.. but i cant b bothered.. im so tired.. my back hurts and i got electricuted! :S arghh i feel like screaming.. we only got a few more days left of school. waa :'( *cries*
aww amys reminiscing about the past.. which makes me wonder about the past 2.. i miss things.. in english b4.. we were talking about if u would trade in a memory to make a new memory.. i wouldnt.. amy said she probably would.. but i cant give in memories.. memories are your life.. im soo afraid to lose memories.. so everyday of this week and our last few moments of school.. ive been trying to capture them.. taking my video cameras.. and digital cam.. takin pics and making memories. its really sad.. gona miss everyone
omg ms roberts is sooo sweet.. she made us little cards and things.. with pictures and our class names.. with like a long mesage.. its so sweet.. i wana get teachers n pplz stuff but i cbf coz i dont like organising things and then ppl backing out of it.. i dont wana do anythin anymore.. its sorta a waste of time..
my hands gettin tired.. ill edit later my english is really bad.. :( not feelin good.. im broken.. my brain isnt connected today..
byes

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once said :~

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once said: A man can stand anything except a succession of ordinary days.
so its like 11:03pm. tuesday. i got home from livo 2day n went to sleep until about 9 or sumthin. i was so tired n really really bored. Johann Wolfgand was so write wen he said ppl can live with anythin except a million normal boring days over n over. u run outa things to do. i dont really no wat to do with myself. i hate it wen i have extra time i start to think and wonder and overthink and bitch n complain moan whinge go crazy. its not healthy.. watched 'Wedding Crashers" today. it was good. OMG i cant get over the fact we walked into the wrong movie. thats soooo funny. were so stupid lolz.. 'how long is the movie?' 'i duno.. hmmz from 12:40 to 3:00.. thats like 2 hours 20 minutes', 'wat cinema..?' 'cinema 9' ... walk into cinema 9.. rite movie rite cinema.. wat time was it? 1:40.. lmao got the wrong ticket. i cant believe it was so funny.. 'ys the movie like half way? were only 10 min late.. ' hahaha anywayz.. the movie was funny.. laughed alot which was good after a bad day of maths results.. shitness.. omg n my movie 'tea with mussonlin'.. its been discontinued. y do i always get the crap stuff.. can i get a misadventure for my english exam mark. its not my fault i had to make up stuff for the essay. the movie doesnt even exist anymore.
i hate school sooo much. i hate getting our results. i hate thinking about how im gona miss everything. i hate how everything is the last of. im trying to take mental pictures of it. but my brain capacity isnt large enough to remember moments. the moments r gona b gone :( argh.. to much time to wonder bout the future. i hate thinking about the next day. i hate not knowing. i hate everything but its ironic how the things i hate are gona be the things i miss the most.
i duno wat to do with myself. i havent been goin on the net much anymore. i have no social life outside of skool coz most of them ppl dont talk 2 me or ive totally started ignoring ppl. i feel so mean. my cuz came up 2 me n said hi.. blah blah. n i didnt even say hi. i wrote 'k' n thats it.. lolz. im really annoyed at myself coz thats really mean. i wasnt in the mood to talk to anyone. n i havent been in ages. everytime i c ppl on the net i ignore most n dont go up 2 them or im busy playn games. yay im lvl 84 in RO now. as soon as i lvl up the server went down :( i wanted to go up 1 more lvl but sumthin stopped me. its a sign i wasnt meant to lvl up again im not sure y.. but yeh i wasnt,
im sorta hyped up coz i slept already and im not really tired. but i no i need to sleep now so i can wake up 2moro. but i cant sleep. so i dont no wat to do. thats y i came online. n now im online i got nuthin 2 do. so wat was the point? lalallalaa boredom..
very long boring blog..
gona go maybe sleep.. duno yet
nite nite [L]uv] ~ SamZ

а fєш іиѕріяатіоиаℓ шояdѕ

Ayn Rand once said: "Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours."

yay i cant believe i finally finished the trials. last exam was business.. i had two days off so i could study. But as usual i didnt study.. Last night i began to stress.. got distracted didnt study.. woke up this morning.. running late.. early for the bus just so i didnt miss it.. OMG guess who was on the bus? SHIVASHREE haha remember her? well i didnt.. i was walkin off the bus and she was lookn at me. and i said hi. walked off.. then after all that i realised who it was hehe i feel bad.. she looks the same and i didnt recognise her. oh wellz :P anywayz business was fine.. i guess it was ok.. i didnt write that much. THANK YOU PRAMEETA lol for the lift i owe u heaps. :D

Anywayz im home.. playn checkers like the old times with my old neighbour haha.. its so weird.. Its one of my aunties bdays 2day. I ate chips n chocolate :S relaxation = junkation hehe gona be so unhealthy

On tuesday goin livo. any1 wana join. welcome. afta skool around 12... watch a movie or sumthin

Bored As[S] betta be off.. bye byez

тнє тіdє тнат ℓєfт аиd иєvєя самє ъаск

Hansel said to Gretel. “Let us drop these breadcrumbs, so together we can find our way home. Because losing our way would be the most cruellest of things”. This year got lost on my way and losing your way on a journey isn’t fortunate, but losing your reason on the journey is a fate more cruel. The journey lasted 8 months, sometimes I travelled around, sometimes there were others who took the wheel and took my heart. But when the destination was reached it wasn’t me who arrived. It wasn’t me at all and once you lose yourself you have two choices. Find the person you used to be or lose that person completely. Because sometimes you have to step outside the person you have been and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you wanted to be, the person you are.

Routine

HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY AMY (for yesterday) hope u had a marvelous exciting day and i hope u made it memorable. you only eva hav a 18th bday once.

i really didnt wana start bloggin again.. but i feel as though i have to. i need to talk.. i havent had a proper conversation with anyone in a really long time. i feel really lost, distracted, confused, withdrawn. people talk to me and i talk to them. but im just standing there. u no wat i mean? just standing and watching and nodding and smiling. do i even no wat im saying? no. i just stand and nod and say yeh uhuh agreeing.. even when im in discussions they are never deep.
why has my life been overtaken by skool? why do i feel every moment is taken up by work? why do i feel like this? am i doing it on purpose? i think i am. avoiding reality. concentrating on avoiding life. but by doing so it doesnt mean im gona become super smart or sumthing. ive bearly had time to study. thinking and concentrating on not thinking is hard and tiring work.
it feels as though every1 i considered a frend has changed.. (excluding most skool frends).. but i mean people who were my frends on the outside. in my life. im not sure if they were my 'frends' or just people. but if they were my frends why do they avoid me or ignore me. or only talk 2 me when they need somthing.. my cuzn hasnt called me in ages.. she hasnt bothered.. but she went n asked my sista 2 ask me 2 borrow a dress.. without talking 2 me.. n i let her... i duno y i gota b nice
the trials bring out the true insides of some people. its so horrible. how nasty n mean people can get. its like they r in the wild. and they r starving. and theres only 1 apple left. n they all fite over it to get it. people would pretend to share it but they give u the rotten core of it.. i duno if it makes me up myself but i would think in that situation i am nice. i would give up my share to someone who needed it more. is it wrong to think im nice? maybe nicer than some other people? argh i duno
some people say i am too nice. and it mite be true. if someones mean 2 me. i cannot tell them 2 there face. i neva stoop to their level. i would neva do wat they did 2 me. i often get used and i get hurt, but wat am i meant 2 do. atleast there r a few people who look out for me. but im not sure that those people really exist.
atm im really really confused. i havent had enough time to stop n think and cry. even though i cry alot. i havent let out my feelings. i sit here and watch life walk past me. watch people grow and change and drift. while i stay and watch and observe. will i grow and evolve to? when is it my turn to change? or have i already started to? maybe its me whos been changing while every1 around me is still?...
*sigh* *yawn**scream* im meant to be studying for legal now.. but i dont want to. i did horrible the past few exams.. im really annoyed at myself for not studying for advanced english paper. why am i so nice? why do i worry about my sisters? fuckn hate yr 8 4 bein bitches 2 my sista. i cant believe i care so much about her. omg what am i doing? am i blaming my love for my sista for doing bad in english? arghh c y i hate blogging... im a bitch :S i guess its not just blogging coz they r my thoughts n feelings.. but yeh.. its not true if u dont say it.
sometimes its easier to see what you want than to search for the truth.

аитірнои

this is my antiphon.. well not relly.. its just givin me sumthin 2 do.. plus i wanted to write down a list of things i wana do in the holidays and i couldnt think of a place to put them.. i really wonder who will be the first person to realise i blogged again.. any1.. even anonymous ppl.. comment or tell me if youve read it.. anywayz.. my list..

• learn a new language.. either spanish indian chinese or arabic..
• do all my assignments and catch up
• eat a banana flavoured gelato - done (had watermelon instead.. its really hard to find banana flavour)
• stay up one night and see the sunrise
• play a new game - done (this assyrian card game)
• buy a plant
• buy a gift for someone - done (anthonys $$ pressie.. even though its money still a gift..isnt it?)
• cook dinner/lunch - done (sorta.. made lasagne)
• meet someone new - done (met alot of ppl.. lawrences n anthonys parties..)
• go out to a new area - done (adventures with anna)
• take a photo of scenery - done (sydney harbour bridge, luna park, trees.. millions of pics)
• do a nice thing for someone getting a 'thankyou' in return - done (im pretty sure ive done this even if there is no precise moment)
• stay out one night - done (adventures with anna)
• dont listen 2 any songs for 1 whole day (24 hours) DOUBT THIS WILL EVER BE ACHIEVED EVEN THROUGH THE TIMESPAN OF MY WHOLE LIFE
• find a new career path
• get a hobby
• learn a new talent
• play a sport
• write a list - done (does this count as a list? if not i wrote a shopping list)
• use a 'smart' 'big' word atleast once a day - partially done
• drive every single day - sorta done (havent driven in awhile.. but will start again soon)
• have a -heart - to - heart- with someone
• prank someone
• scream for no reason
• draw or paint a picture or a design - done
• scan something - done
• learn to breathe and meditate
• go bowling ten pin or lawn bowls

cant think of anythin else.. dad here gota go

вџє вџє

my last blog.. bloggin makes me self-obsessed coz its a place just about me.. i dont wana b selfish no more.. im not blogging anymore.. it creates to many problems.. bye bye
p.s sistas bday 2moro.. happy bday nat

іиѕомиіа

Me and Anna made a site...

Insomnia - Chronic inability to fall asleep or remain asleep for an adequate length of time
There can be physical causes for insomnia, like medications you're taking, thyroid problems, hormonal imbalances, etc. It can also be related to depression. Or it may just be what is called "psychophysiological" insomnia, also called "learned" or "conditioned" insomnia. This happens when a life stress causes a few nights of poor sleep, but then the poor sleep is perpetuated by worry over not sleeping. In this case, behavioral modifications are most helpful in breaking the cycle of worry and anxiety. Whatever the cause, you shouldn't go it alone

• Going to bed and getting up at the same time every day -
• Eliminating caffeine and nicotine and limiting alcohol consumption -
• No reading or watching T.V. in bed (so you only associate the bed with sleep) -
• No clock-watching in the bedroom (helps tremendously with anxiety) -
• Developing and following a good pre-sleep routine every night (taking a hot bath, reading, listening to music, or whatever helps to relax you) -
• Moving to another room when you can't sleep to read or do some other relaxing activity, returning to bed only when sleepy (again, to associate the bed with sleep instead of tossing and turning) -
• Stopping negative sleep thoughts and replacing them with positive ones

lolz.. mite b wats wrong with me.. but theres many things wrong with me =D i think im just overly tired.. bored.. have to much time.. and make up diseases that i dont have.. but i really cant sleep.. had 3-4 hours sleep last nite.. and eyes r burnin now.. *yawning is meant to be pleasurable..* (quote provided by Ms Roberts.. Bio) haha i cant concentrate anymore.. im brain dead.. i tried to do hw.. but couldnt.. and i keep thinkn bout some1 i shouldnt be.. arghh cant get it outa my head.. and im not the type to obsess.. (eyes look up n down round n round.. *innocent*) haha.. i dont wana feel like this but i do.. how do u stop likin some1??? help! yeh anywayz.. ive had plenty of time to think of everythin in the world.. y are chairs called chairs? wat is a chair? who named the chair? is it a hair with a c? hmmz goin crazy.. i need a psychiatrist.. any1 wana offer there free services... lol

anywayz much luv.. samantha xoxoxo