sleepy

hmm.. i had uni todya till 12. then went to have lunch with my cuz n belinda at their uni. hmm pretty good i guess. my uncle passed away today. hmm yeh.. im so sleepy. *yawns*

lost

i feel so alone right now and i cant sleep coz im so upset. I duno whats wrong with me. i just cant seem to relax. i cant be alone by myself becoz ithink too much. i need some1 with me constantly till i get sleepy or i get all sad. i hate it. whats wrong with me? why do i feel so alone all the time? my friend used to talk to me every night and now hes gone and i feel like this crazy person. and i just realised somethin and now i hurt . why did i have to think that. now im making myself go crazy. why do i always do this. i tried avoidin it. but it didnt work. i duno what to do anymore. i dont wana b this annoyin thing. why are people so nice that they do somethin just to be nice. it makes me feel so bad. becoz they arent doin it for the reason i want them to be doin it. it gets my hopes up but then they come crashin when i realise that its not for real and that i was just bein stupid. why cant someone give me attention why isnt it there for me.whats wrong with me that makes no1 notice me. i cant even sms or call without thinkn too much then i seem like this freak whos annoyin and just wants attention. the feelings arent reciprocated and im just left alone. why did i realise. why did i think. i need to get away. and i cant even do that without feeling alone. i am so upset that no1s comin to my bday thing and i cant even feel that becoz i dont want ppl to feel sorry for me for no reason. like i need pity or somethin. and im so annoyed that people say lets meet up on another day so i can giv u ur pressie. why dont they see that i dont care about a present. that i would rather have every1 b with me on my bday than get a stupid present. i need to sleep. i cant sleep. im doin this again. im back to this awful place. i hate it here. i wana run. i need to escape. i need help.

вє ωιтнσυт уσυ

ok, recap. last saturday, not the one two days ago. Went movies & max brenners. yum thursday went parra and pancakes on the rocks. yum yum. This weekend. Saturday had Kathryns 19th costume bday party. Occupations. All sisters were invited + Diana and her bf. Got there around 3pm. went had lunch, came n helped set up. Party rocked. Had alot to drink. Had fun. Sister hooked up. Other sister got drunk and puked. Cant remember much about that night, or sunday. And now i feel like shit. Grrr! But who cares. Suppressing memories will do the job. Dad shits me. Full yelled in the backyard to get diana n her bf outa our house. So embarassing. They heard and went for a walk n called later on so i could take them home. He has issues. My birthday is shittin me to. Why did i organise somethin without confirming with my friends first. i
edit: grr i had a full thing written then when i posted ^^^^ that was all that saved. fucken pissed off grr
well anywayz as i was saying. i love those who have let me know if they can come or not. i wish i hadnt orgnaised it. hardly any1 can come stay at the cabin for the weekend except for anna. so its just gona b us two.. hehe... hmm i knew when i organised it, it would b difficult for some people to make it for the weekend, thats why i had an option of them coming to jamberoo and just spend 1 day with me. is that so much to ask? i guess it is. gona have to cancel that if no1 replies coz its hard to organise somethin when no1s going. omg uni startin next week. the most shittiest timetable ever. on thursdays i have to stay till 10pm. im dreadly the drive home half asleep. im so scared im not gona know any1 at all this semester. and the work load. i hate uni. im not made to study. i cant study. its gona b so aweful. some weird oldish guy on msn is actually some1 from unis brother. i wonder who. grr givin out my email addy without askin first. hmm my friend went to newcastle today. im so lost and confused. i dont know whats wrong with me i duno why i feel. im already bored and its only been 1 day. oh and how come i feel. why do i hear about things from the past, or people i should say. and i just feel. and care. why do i care. whats my problem. im so confused. why cant i just say what i want. why cant i tell those that shit me that they do, and why cant i tell those i care about that i do. and why am i lost. why do i have to be confused. why cant i just go back to before, when it was peacefulish. when i didnt think or feel. when i didnt know of this pain and drama. Why am i doomed with these feelings. i am so confused and i dont know if im ever gona be able to figure it out. deep down i know what i want. but what i want i cant have, becoz its gona hurt. and i dont wana get hurt. i wana be emotionless i wana just be. why cant i just be with no feelings.

ωну ∂σ ωє ρℓαу тнєѕє gαмєѕ?

Why do we play these games? Why is life a constant competition? Why is it that as soon as you realise whats going on, everything changes? Why is it that no one is around when you need them? Why is life full of these unanswerable questions that play constantly through my head? Why are the guyz u want not good for you and the ones you dont like always around? Why is it that when you crave something, and you eat it, you feel guilty afterwards? Why cant i go one day without thinking or feeling? Why is it hard to admit how you feel? Why cant you tell me you care? Why is it that when i have nothing to do, i have endless time; but when i have a million things to do, i can never find the time to do it? Why do i not have everything i want? Why do things come so easy to some, and hard to grasp for others? Why cant i say what i want? Why cant i say how i feel? Why do i refuse to reveal how i feel and wear a mask so others cannot see? Why do i feel so alone, when im sure there are many other people who feel the same way? Why am i studying when i dont even like to study? Why do i not seem to fit in, in any circumstances? Why have i changed and become someone not original? Why am i different to you and to others? Why am i not able to sleep early? Why cannot i wake up before 1pm? Why did i have a blackout for 2 whole hours, when noone else knew that darkness existed?

ι ∂σит ωαииα вє α fℓу

I Went roxys last night with belinda and my cuz... after all the initial dramas, it tured out to be a pretty relaxin night. Im so lost at the moment. Tired. Confused. Lost. Starting to feel alittle stressed and anxious about uni startin.. my bday is coming up, with alot of other peoples bdays too. Few parties to go to. My own thing to organise. If anyone actually decides to go. Hurts my brain to think so much. I know what i want, i know what i want to say. But it all comes out as bleh. Confusion. Annoyance. Irratation. Then i think of the possibilites. Happyness. Excitement. Nervousness. Just trying to find my place in this world.