rainy days

its been awhile since i have blogged/ranted pointlessly.. Right now i feel very frustrated.. I hate it when people 'compliment' me on being a "top chick" friggen hell.. If im such a top chick then why am i single..? I get it from everyone.. That im nice or im sweet or the worst one:cute.. What ur really saying is that ur butt ugly but i dont wanna be mean so ill say that you look interesting and weird like a baby.. Lol yeah just annoys me.. Id rather get told the truth than a fake compliment.. Why bother being nice to me if ur just not that into me? Grr dont use me as a standby till somethin better comes along.. Im not a bus stop seat.. U cant sit on me till somethin comes and picks you up and takes you somewhere special.. Leaving me stuck cemented to the ground..
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sleep

i havent slept in my room/bed all year.. Im back here now.. I forgot how safe my room was :)

dimensia

its my day off work.. I woke up at around 10:30.. It was hot.. I woke up atleast two times in the middle of the night coz of bad dreams. I had many options of things to do today but i chose nothin.. Now im lying on the couch watchin greys anatomy.. My grandma is over.. She comes over atleast once a week.. And shes sitting there mumbling to herself. Praying to god.. Saying her sons and daughters name. Confused as to where she is. She calls my mum her sisters name.. Sometimes she gets it right like just now she called my mum and i asked what she wanted and she said your mum.. My dad sometimes asks her if she knows who i am.. She often doesnt know. And when he tells her.. She says ohh ok.. But i dont think she actually knows.. She just humours him.. Last time she was close.. And i think she thought it was 10 years ago and she said she thought i was younger/smaller..its really sad.. N everyone copes differently. I think my mum is taking it hard. Shes hardly ever in the same room as her.. Id do anything not to be here right now. But i feel obligated to be here coz i dont wanna regret any time wasted.. I need to escape.. I want someoone to call me to go out. I should have gone out..
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Used to be

i went fishing last night at a few beaches in wollongong. Got back at 8 this morning. It was fun.. Got to see the sunrise. Its weird how it was only some hours ago but feels like a lifetime ago..
For some reason today has been an odd day. I feel how i used to feel.. Or not really. Its hard to explain, but its like im actually feeling and not bloking. Maybe its coz i didnt get much sleep and its harder to close up.. But it hurts.. And i vowed to never feel like that again but i am and i cant control it.
I just wish everything was how it used to be and not so complicated. I wish that i could just let it all out and forget everythin thats happened. All the arguments and pain.. Regret and tears. What was the point if nothing is fixed. Its just a bandaid.. Its like what u want and what you do contradict each other.. Its confusing.. I know what i want.. To be how it used to be.. But better.. We should be able to learn and grow continually gettin better - not learn,stop and retreat.. Its too confusing..
You used to be................. ... .. .

welcome 2009

im blogging on my phone.. I just found out how to use wireless internet on my phone.. yay that means i can go on the net when im on my break at work.. Anywayz its a new year.. I feel new. Like i had an epiphany.. Ive realised what i wanna do.. But i cant just snap my fingers and make changes.. Its all gotta happen over time... Im goin fiji in june.. Yay :) hrmm anywayz this is taking heaps long to type on my phone.. Will update when i get my laptop fixed..