ρℓєαѕυяє αи∂ ραιи

atm.. i feel so weird. you know when u hit ur funny bone.. and it kills, but u wanna laugh? or when u fall on ur ass, and u feel the same.. u wana laugh, but cry? somethin happened to me and i have no idea what it is.. but i feel like that. My body is touching the pleasure vs pain zone. Its hard to describe but its somewhere in my back area. and it hurts, but i wana laugh.. and then i feel like crying. Omg wat if i broke my nerveous system. Yeh. =( any1 know what im on about?

сℓчb-норріи'

Last night, Michelle picked me and Kathryn up around 9:30 and we headed to the city. First hit "Red Room" @ Hotel Chambers, it had really good old skool music.. It was so good there. There werent any sleazy type people, maybe coz the crowd was older. But it was excellent. I had a shot called "pink pussy" lol where they get the names, id like to know. Some guyz bought us 2 rounds of drinks with a mix of Alizé and somethin else. Not random guyz, just michelle's friends - so it was safe. Oh yeh Michelle knew the bouncer at Red Room, so we got in for free, with no waiting lines. She rox!
So then we decided to hit another club. On our way, cops pulled us over. Shit! lol. but with our clever excuses, no RBT was given *luckily*, just a fine for turning right in a "no right turn" lane, and for not displaying P Plates. Lol..
Then we decided to go to Docks or somethin, but when we got there it looked shitty with hardly any1 there. So we went Home Bar instead. Once again Michelle knew the bouncer there, we got in free with no lines! YaY =) I got a song dedicated to me by the MC! Yay lolz.. Good music there to. But the crowd was a little younger.. so there were some sleazy ppl.. But not to bad. I had a "Vodka Sunrise", which tastes soo much better than a Tequila Sunrise. Then we went upstairs to "Strangewayz", Michelle knew the bouncer there too. We stayed a bit while she talked to him. But there ppl there looked like they were on drugz so we didnt bother stayin.
Then we just walked around the city a bit. And ended up drivin down to "Harry's Pies", which is the place to be after clubbin. Its in Wollomollo.. Or whatever its called. Anywayz we had hotdogz at harry's pies lol. Had heaps of fun. Altogether i had about 7 drinks and a shot last night. But i didnt get drunk, and no hangover =(. (not that i want a hangover). Hehe got home around 4. Pretty early, but a good time so i could get enough sleep.
=) Today im just tryin 2 catch up on everythin. Gona start stessin soon. But oh wellz.

мєитаℓ-нєаℓтн

so, i woke up today feeling like i needed a mental-health day off uni. It may have been because i had 14 hours of sleep. But i duno. I was just in a lazy, slow, sad day mood. I think i still am. I had 14 hours of sleep, because last night i went to bed at 9:00. The earliest ive slept in years. I slept only because i had nothing to do. It feels like (and ill use the words i learnt at uni 2day) that i am "unconscienciely competent". I am doing my everyday things profficiently, yet i am doing them unconsciously. Like im not there, or dont realise what im doing. Its like driving, the more practice you get the less you think about what ur doing. You could drive from ur house to somewhere and not remember the trip, because you were unconsciously competent in acheiving the task. Thats my life. I go to uni, i come home, and i do the same thing all the time. It feels like my life isnt my life. "me" isnt a portion of it. theres uni, family and every1 and everything else concerned in my life is changing and moving yet i am the same.
Argh i hate being not pretty. I am overlooked all the time. I duno if thats because i am ugly or my personality. I mean why? why? I dont get it. What dont i have that every one else does? Its just an ugly day/week/chapter in my life. Where i am blah and i just dont have what it takes. not just guyz.. anyone and everyone. I have no friends at uni.. I have like maybe 1 or 2. and every1 else is there friends. even my friends from last semester arent my friends anymore, they have become friends friends.. Like this girl who i talked 2 last semester, and was in my class. Now shes in like 3 of my classes, but when she talks she speaks directly to my friend. Shell ask her if shes goin to the lecture n stuff like that without even looking at me. Its so annoying. Noone pays any attention to me. I try to speak up, but i feel like an idiot. I literally get ignored. I might have exaggerated bout gettin ignored. but people do. not all the time. but it happens.
argh im just sad and alone =(

иоѕтаℓgіа

I was looking through pictures from last year, and then it hit me. I miss how things were, i miss the people, i miss the less stressful situations, i miss the past. Remember when we were younger, and nothing mattered. The only thing you had to think about was what cartoon you were going to watch when you got home from school. You thought the world was filled with nice people, that everyone has to like everyone else, that things you wanted would be given to you. We took so much for granted. Friends, Love, Family. But now, its like we need to work for all the things we want, the things we need. Its not possible to just sit back, and let someone else worry about you. Things don't just magically work out. We need to think for ourselves, we need to physically do things for ourselves. We need to worry, we need to plan, we need to organise, we need to work. They say ignorance is bliss, but with age comes wisdom and respobsibilty. As we grow older our minds grow, grow with knowledge, concerns, worries, thoughts, plans. This responsibilty is overwhelming. Everyday we are faced with decisions that could affect our future. Your one little decision could change destiny and lead you into a whole different future. These thoughts scare me.
Before i make any decision, my mind goes through a sequence of questions. Im faced with questions like what, where, when, how, why, and the why and how become intensified. These questions get analysed further, with questions such as is it worth doing? will it benefit me? will it hinder my relationship with others? will it affect my life in a positive or negative way? etc. I think that if i wasn't faced with these questions every single time i wanted to do something, i would be a completely different person. I would be doing something else. I wouldnt be at uni, i wouldnt have the friends i have, I may even be living on my own somewhere. But because i choose and decide the things i do, this is what i have. Sometimes i wish that i was a different person. Someone who did what i really wanted to, someone who didnt become shy, someone who was able to do things without any consequences. I wonder..
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I havent blogged in awhile, i dont know why i havent. Sometimes i feel like hiding in my room, not talking to anyone. Other times i need people, i need to talk to survive. I just get in different mind sets. Life is filled with variables and controls. My controls include, my going to uni, who my family are and thats basically it. I think that the overwhelming amount of variables in my life is what makes me worry. My variables include, who my friends are, what i do each and everyday in my spare time, on my weekends, on my holidays, who i talk to and who i dont, what i eat, where i live, the environment, the weather, transport, trains, buses, planes, cars, car accidents, accidents of any sort, crimes. There are so many things i am not able to control. I wanted to go on a holiday. For two whole days straight i was planning and organising to go. Trying to convince my mum to go with me. Thinking of what i want to do, where i want to go. After two days of going nowhere. My thoughts change. I begin to worry about how ill get there, what i need to get there, what i need to plan. It hurt my brain just thinking about it all.
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I feel disconnected and awkward talking to anyone. I feel really withdrawn as a person. I am not social, bubbley, talkative, crazy, or whatever i once was. Music in my life is important, i always try to keep up with new songs, but recently ive also disconnected and im listening to old songs, not paying attention to the lyrics or even the music. Im not sure why i am like this, and im not sure what it will take me to become connected to the world once more. But i hope i can change and be how i was once. I havent had a 'deep and meaningful' with anyone for such a long time. I actually havent cried either. It sounds like a good thing, but im not sure it is. I dont want to be one of those people when they're 80, they live in a small isolated house, with cats or dogs as my only friends. I want.. Im not sure i want.. Im not even sure what i need. Im just loafing, drifting, waiting for something to hit me. What if nothing hits me?

тчиє-іи

Well, i don't know why i am exactly blogging tonight. I'm not really in the mood but i guess i needed to tune-in. Uni has started, its going pretty good. I'm liking my classes so far. But heaps of work to come. Oh and we have lectures in this new smaller room, so its easier to check out the guyz :) Um.. been really really sleepy, and tired. Must be coz im sick. But what can you do? What else? Thats it. Still feel pretty much isolated. There isnt really anytin to look forward to. Just tired i guess. I really wanna write and write and talk and talk, but i can't. It feels as though theres stuff to say. But its not comin out. I'm just too tired to think, and write, and isolate whats been bothering me. I just need time to sleep, get caught up on my thoughts, and figure it out

Edited: 2-08-06 10:30pm.. If my status on msn is "away" or "busy", please forgive me for not coming up to you, to talk to you. My gosh, seriously, *rolls eyes*.