Faking a smile

Had a bad day, everything seems to be going wrong. I guess ive had two bad days in a row. Today i found out i have officially been ripped off by my laptop. I was falsly advertised and it took me all these months to find out. Not only can i not connect my laptop to my tv, i do not have bluetooth or infrared capablities, which were one of the main reasons i bought it. I called up Acer today, and they said that the model after mine, had those, and they used the same casing for both. So yeh, i basically bought the shell, without the insides. =S and i have the worst luck, Acer laptops dont have the plug which every single other brand has, (except dell) to connect it to the tv. Which was another reason i wanted a laptop. Annddd.. my video card is screwed, coz it overheats and my screen turns purple. The best they could do was tell me to bring it to this place and they will take a look at it. Which is bullshit, coz another reason i bought this computer, was coz Acer has this home-to-base policy, where they pick it up and fix it and drop it back home. Well helllooo, i cant even have that done.. Arghhh such a large amount of money, wasted, on a not-so-good product. I feel so ripped and pissed off. It took me ages to decide which one to buy, and now when its too late i find out that i was lied to. The day after i bought it and realised it had no master cds for xp, and no office, the guy offered me to return it. I should have said yes, and not felt bad for the guy who sold it to me... So the past two days, ive been tryin to make my laptop better, figure out whats wrong with it, and try to connect it to the tv so i can watch all these movies i just got. But noo, thats not gona happen. So ive wasted TWO whole days doin nothin, basically to find out that i was ripped. And like all these small things keep happenin to make my day worse. Like i was lookin forward to eatin this type of food, and then my mum didnt get it. I duno y i was so annoyed at that, but i dunoo. If someone tells u somethin, u get excited, and then its taken away from u.. it just sux.. =( My room is messy, and im pissed at that as well. I have assignments due next week n the week after, and quizzes, which i dont wana do coz i dont wana ruin my holiday, but just thinkn about them annoys me.. And this game i play isnt working for no apparent reason..Arghh i wana break out of this loop, i need to have a good day. I have to think positive.. =(
I hate time. Time wasted.

мιѕѕιиg - ωнєяє αяє уσυ؟

"Sometimes you just can't explain to someone what your feeling inside, why the tears run from you eyes, or even what caused you to cry. Sometimes the feeling your holding within is a pain with no language of words, it's something not even you understand, but nothing compares to the hurt. Sometimes the cut that lies in your heart is a wound to great to be healed and the person you've always turned to in life is a person who's no longer here. Sometimes life's to much to deal with and you need someone to care, but when you turn to scream for help you realize no ones there. Sometimes when your desperate and no longer see the light, when your voice is tired of screaming and you're ready to end the fight, that's when your heart begins to write pathetic lines, that rhyme, which no one seems to understand, so your soul continuously cries."

i found that on this space. I can relate to that so well.
I dunno whats wrong with me. I have no idea. I feel so out-of-place. I thought i was over all of this. But i guess im not. Im beginning to think and think and overthink. I hate it. I wish i didnt think, i wish i didnt have the ability to worry. I wish i didnt care.I hate it. I hate being like this.
I wanna be different. I dont wana be the good one anymore. I wana do somethin extreme so people dont think of me like i am. I wanna be different. But then that becomes a problem, i already feel im different from some people. I feel like i dont fit in anywhere. I dont know what im meant to do. I feel like im stuck in between to worlds atm. The world i love my safe world, and the new world i wana experience. The people in both worlds are different. I just wish that both worlds were the same, i wish that i could fit into both. I wish i wasnt different. I wana be different enough to fit entirely in one world, but i want bits from both worlds. I feel split between who i am, and who i wana be.
Its holidays next week. Im so annoyed like really annoyed that my plans have been ruined. I wanted to go out every single day, i wanted to make a scedule and everything. I wanted to have fun, and actually have a fun holiday. Not just spend it at home, stressin over the work i have to do before i start uni again. But now, i cant do any of that. Everyones busy, have tafe, or school. And its too hard to try and organise around everyones timetables. I cant b bothered. I just wish that stuff i wanted would just happen. and i didnt need to plan them, or organise them. I think im just annoyed at myself for making unrealistic goals for the holiday. Its not like my friends would wanna hang with me every single day every single minute. Everyone has their own lives. I hate that, i wish that everyone could just be there when i wanted. I know thats selfish. But argh. i cant explain it. If i was busy, then i wouldnt have to think. If my friends were around, i would b distracted.
Arghh and i have no feelings. I duno whats wrong with me. Spring is in the air, which means love. Everywhere i look, new couples r forming. People are liking people. crushes and infatuations. I feel like so lost. I feel like i dont belong. I have no feelings, i wana like but i cant. Whats wrong with me? Ive been hurt so much, but i just wana get over it. I want something new. I just wana b alive again.

нуρσ¢яιтє

I feel like the biggest hypocrite atm, but only by accident. I didnt know what i was doin was what i did. I don't wanna say it specifically what it was, to me it wasnt a big deal. But i made it a big deal to someone else, and its just embarassin if i admit doing it. Arghh ok, i accidetnly read my sisters chat log. Ok it was accidently read, because i was checkin to see who ive spoken to the most, and i saw my cousins email addy, and i couldnt remember when i spoke to her, so i opened it and read it. Then i realised it was my sister. And its not my fault, coz im on my laptop, and hardly any1 ever goes on it. I thought all the chatlogs were mine. But i still feel like i invaded her privacy :( and i dont wana tell her, coz i read somethin she wants to keep secret. Im more troubled by what else she said, like shes been feeln really shitty lately, but i dont think she has. I think shes just exaggerating or somethin, i mean i knew this is how she felt ages ago, from what she wrote in RO forums, and stuff like that. But i thought she would be over it now, i mean nothings really happened to make her that upset, the way she described it. Well her best friend moved away, but she has heaps of new friends now. How bad can she really be feeling? Anywayz her secret is very cute. Me & amanda thought we knew, we already knew to some extenet. But i feel crap coz y would she tell my cousin Kathryn n not us. I understand her n Kat have this weird bond. But she told her she couldnt tell us coz we'd get shitty, but its not true :S Anywayz i feel crap coz i read it.
hmmz.. anywayz.. today i got a high distinction for an assignment =) i should be like really happy, but i feel weird. Most people in my class didnt get to good. And before i got my assignment back, i honestly didnt think i would get a good mark. He gave a whole speech about how the class didnt do too well, the average was only a pass and stuff like that. I had only spent the night before working on it. So was kinda stressed. I got the mark after my friends got it, who only got avergae to low. When i looked at it, i smiled and was like wow had no idea i would get that. anywayz the whole calss were complaining. This girl made a comment how people who spent the night before doin it got good marks, and how it wasnt fair. And my friend was like annoyed how he marked hers n stuff. Everyone were complaining. My friends even made fun of this bimboy girl who did better than them. And now i feel crap. Like what if i wasnt friends with them, would they be making fun of me too? I feel bad for complaining before i got it back, but like it wasnt my fault. I honestly thought i didnt do good. So now i cant even enjoy my mark coz i feel guilty :S

ѕтυиg ву α вєє

Today was multicultural day at h.p.h.s woke up at 8 with only about 3 hours of sleep, and made finishing touches to my assignment, got ready and then Prameeta picked me up. Went to pick up Akansha, kinda got lost, lol but found her eventually. It was weird to go back.. like a dream. But good to see everyone again.
Went to uni at 1. had my tut, lol and while i was walkin to the car park, thinkn about how good the day had turned out, my foot began to hurt. I looked down at my toe, and there was a BEE! omg, it was eating my toe, quickly i swished it away, but the pain.. Oh the pain :s it had stung me. It was so embarassing, im standin there, holdin my toe, with this facial expression full of pain. i musta looked like a freak. Argh i have never been actually stung by a bee, and now i cant get the whole image outa my mind. I was so scared, and it hurt so much, i didnt know what to do. I just wanted to go home and cry. It was awful. Im so tired now, my foot hurts, its actually swollen =(
Watchin My Best Friends Wedding. wow what a classic.

ωнєи ѕнιт нιтѕ тнє fαи

arghh.. i only woke up 1 hour ago, and im already having a bad day. Had a massive argument with my dad. I hate it, so much. I don't know why i even bother. I cant keep quiet, and let him be how he is. He doesnt care, he doesnt know that what he says hurts. So i tell him, and he just has big arguments. Its so stupid. Over the tiniest things. The definition of a job. He asks me, i tell him. He gets pissy coz i dont think like he does. All he cares about is fukin money. He doesnt get it. arghh just the way he acts, talks, does things. I hate it. i just wana leave. i wana go somewhere else. escape. anywhere. I hate living around him, near him. Ive tried, Ive tried not talking, ignoring him, avoiding him. But its impossible. It wont work. Someone has to speak up, put some sense through his head. And i cant go anywhere, my mum. She doesnt want me to go. and my sisters. argh i dont know what to do. His morals are completely different to mine. atleast i take the time, and try to understand what hes sayin, but all he does is degrade me, and say that what im sayin is stupid. Im only 18 he thinks becoz im "young" im stupid. I bet i have the same mental age, or even older than he does. He starts arguments, and its so immature. He tells me, if u want me to respect u, then sit here quietly and listen to me. When im already cryin n angry. He just wants a reason to treat me like crap. He knows im not able to be quiet, when he talks shit. I dont know what to do. I have an assignment due tommorrow and how the hell am i meant to concentrate now when im pissed, crying, and angry. What do i do? Im 18 years old. I need to live. I cant live here. No one can. How much longer do i have to deal with it? When am i ever going to be able to fix it? I cant be around him. He thinks his right as father, lets him treat me like crap and call me selfish and stupid. Those exact words. How is that going to help me be calm and sit and listen so he can respect me? He said what i do is bullshit, my studyin and all that. He said i dont know anything. I mean what the fuck am i doing then, if its bullshit? Why do i even go to uni and study, if its bullshit? I just need to escape. I cant stand any longer.

ѕυммєя иιgнтѕ

It is officially spring, and im not happy. My memory gets triggered by all sorts of things. Smells, sounds, songs, etc. Even weather apparently. Tonight, theres this heatness in the air, the sounds from outside, the atmosphere. It just reminds me of a time where i was happy, when i didnt know what would become of it. Now i know better, and just remembering, makes me sad. Last year, at this time, we were finishing high school. We were graduating. We were about to sit the most important exams in our lives. It was such a stressful time, in my life. I dont want to remember. Last year, Last Spring, Last September. I was different. I was able to feel. Now, im a blob. This summery type of night, reminds me that i am alone - bymyself. No one can help me. There is no control. No control over the weather, no way to keep cool; no way to control my thoughts. Its weird, Im weird, i know. People try to help me, give me advice, make suggestions to change who i am. But it doesnt work. I know what i want, i know how to achieve it, yet i dont wana act like someone im not, and do things that i wouldnt normally do. So i stay the same. And stay boring, and weird. Do i (or does anyone) have the right to complain that i dont have what i want, without actually trying to achieve it? Or trying in a way, you know not possible.

*OMG pinch and a punch 4 the 1st day of the month.. ~no returns~*

too sleepy to blog, ill finish it tomorrow maybe when im a little more awake *YAWNZ*