Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance is a psychological term describing the uncomfortable tension that may result from having two conflicting thoughts at the same time, or from engaging in behavior that conflicts with one's beliefs. I finally have a term that explains how i feel all the time. Even writing this, i have this feeling and conflicting thoughts. Should i write about how i truly feel? Should i forget about it? Arghh everything is driving me crazy.
I am sad. But I am busy which makes me happy i guess. I'm so confused. I think i'm stuck in a rut. I'm living in the past. Or just hovering, waiting patiently for my life to start. But nothing is happening. And i'm waiting like an idiot, hoping for something. But i've given up. Now im just confused as to what i should do. I feel like maybe if i just crawl into a little hole and sit there and be a hermit crab all my problems will be solved. But then my other thoughts or what i would tell other people, would be to get out and fix my problems. I'm just so sick of helping everyone else out especially in my family, to get little or no thoughts from anyone else, I'm so sick of being second in everything. I'm always losing out in all aspects. I'm sick of being alone. I know what i need to fix me, but i just cant be bothered anymore. I'm sick of it. Theres nothing i can do about it. I hate waiting. And i don't know how to fix it. I don't have the resources. I just give up. I have given up hope on the fairytale. I just want anything. I don't care. I don't wana be good anymore if it means i'm left with nothing. The problem is i don't know how to be bad. I don't know how to change. What to do. I don't know. I hate people of the way they treat people and their actions. But at the same time, i envy them. For the ability to be so cruel, to be so devilish or wateva u wana call it. I envy people for just having a life, for talking to their friends, for living in the now and the future and not in the past or the 5minutes ago. I thought that being who i am, being good has its rewards. But reality proves that it doesn't. I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't know how to act or what to do anymore. Thus, my cognitive dissonance.