Monday, June 19, 2006

џоч шоцℓdи'т вє џоц

Today, i had my third exam.. my second last one.. i failed.. but i dont mind as it means i'm one step closer to finish this semester. I hope i can pass the course overall.. Anywayz yeah to clarify my last entry about me not fittin in our group, i dont think it meant to offend anyone but myself. And i also think he meant the group, not as the WHOLE group, but the group he was occasionally in.. the ones who sometimes or kinda alot went to the library to study. He meant to ask why i was friends with people who studied and who were "smart". The whole conversation was sparkerd by my complaints about uni. Like usual i complain.
But anywayz, just had to clear that up.. Yeah.. well my exams have been annoying because, i havent studied. Everytime i say those three words "i havent studied" i feel as though i have to justify that. At uni, im constantly like being told that im smart, and i have the feeling people think that i lie about how much i actually study. Its getting really annoying. They dont do it on purpose, and its subtly implied to me. For example, I'd do an assignment last minute... sorta complain about my lack of input into it, and then return with a decent mark. People would sorta joke about it.. and imply that im smart. I don't wanna be smart if it means having to defend myself, and prove to other people that i did or didnt study. I don't mean to sound like up myself or something, and if u think that i am you dont know me at all, but its not my fault im able to bullshit and get the right answer, or remember small important facts without studying.. It's annoying. This morning before my accounting exam, (my worst subject), as i tend to do, i started to whinge that i couldnt remember anything and i was gona fail.. my usual stress thing.. (but i honestly did not do well..) and the girls i was with began to laugh me off and say nahh u dont have a problem look what u got in blah.. Am i a joke? Its not my fault i beat them by like 1 or 2 marks. Im just lucky, i dont wana be "smart" because i'm not. I hate people "thinking" im smart. i hate them thinking it because it makes me feel small.. Like im not allowed to do good. If i do good, then im not allowed to stress or worry about other exams..
Yeah anywayz i was trying to avoid a long blog, and i wana make it a happy one. Sometimes im insecure about my looks or my personality. But something my cousin Bec told me just stuck in my head. "If you wern't like that, you wouldnt be you"... those words were so strong i cant get them out. and it makes me so happy to know that. I know that sounds weird because everyone always tells you that, and you always read it or see it on tv.. But for some reason it just made sense to me now. Why should i change? If i were any different i wouldnt be who i was.. Doesnt that sound good? Yeah anywayz i just wanted to share those words of wisdom..

Thanx 4 listenin =P
Luv Sam xoxo

Monday, June 12, 2006

цРѕєТ...

Why cant i put my nick as upset without people questioning it?.. like i guess its nice that people ask whats wrong.. but its when people who never talk to you start asking, when it gets annoyin..well im upset most probably due to guilt,, and anxiety <-- ive been told thatz the word to describe my feeling..well im feeling guilty ever since i had a bad dream, where i woke up with guilt and feeling like i ws about to cry coz i hadnt studied for my exams yet... and then ever since then ive been freaking out.. and im so scared to study.. im scared of my exams.. i dont know why.. i have a few more days till my finals.. and as i write that my tummy jumps, and my heart races.. im afraid.. but im not exactly sure what im afraid of... failing?
As i waste time, and try to avoid studying.. i start to think and contemplate on my behaviour and attitudes.. recently ive been very jealous of my cousin Kathryn. she got her motorcycle license and is getting a bike soon. im not jealous about the material things shes got.. im jealous of the fact that she had a dream of gettin her motorbike license and she has achieved it.. this made me wonder what my long term dreams and goals are.. and i havent come to a conculsion as yet.. i still live day by day and that scares me. i have no long term goals, no hobbies, no skills and nothing i am passionate about.. ive discussed this before, and still have no reached a result.. i talk to others about what they want to achieve, and what they would like to do, whether it be travel, job, love, money, life.. these people have certain ideas of where they would like to be in those different aspects of life.. and for me i am not able to think of what i want.. i dont want to travel, i dont wana go bungee jumping.. i dont know where i will be in five years let alone where i will be tomorrow..my whole life has been built on decisions to suit tomorrow.. i went to high school coz i had too, i continued to yr 11 and 12 coz thats what all my friends were doing, i went to uni coz thats what some people do after high school.. and after uni i guess ill get a job coz that jus the right thing to do.. but what do i want to do? who do i want to be? and where do i wana be?
I have no dreams, no aspirations, and i dont know where i belong.. steven asked me why i was even in the group of friends i was in high school.. he said i didnt even belong.. i duno if it was meant to be but i took it as a sort of insult.. and i felt bad that he implied i shouldnt be friends with the people i am. even though he meant it as to say that i didnt fit in as im different coz im weird or something.. actually come to think about it i dont really know what he meant by it.. but yeah.. and then he pointed out a fact that i already know and hate about myself.. the fact that i prevent him and others in doing 'immature' or funny things.. for example practical jokes.. i tend to say 'noo stop..' and i act like a mum.. :S i hate that so much about myself.. i worry way to much about the consequences it prevents me from having fun.. im not a fun person..
Another thing, i dont know what to do with my life.. i feel so out of touch.. im scared of everything, and i dont feel safe anywhere...i feel like i dont belong, and im scared of whats to come. im not able to spend today thinking about tomorrow, because if i do i wont be able to sleep. i become really "anxious" if thats the word.. i become worried and stressed and a horrible person to be around.. i don't know, i don't know who i am, why i am, where and how i am.. i am me but me is so many confused masks.. which am i, which is the good me, and where do i fit in.? should i be fake? should i act a certain way? maybe if i act a certain way long enough i'll become it.. like W.Somerset Maugham once wrote: "Sometimes people carry to such perfection the mask they have assumed that in due course they actually become the person they seem"
Today i worked with my aunty at the shangrila hotel.. where pams mum works.. so tired.. my shoulders/neck hurt from bending too much.. i went to a jewish synagogue to decorate and it was sooo pretty.. it looked like a theatre with leather seats and really nice wooden everything else.. and marble.. wow.. yeps and that was my day.. lots of contemplating and little doing anything..
Maybe i should try to get some sleep... goodnight.. sleep tight..
Luv Samantha xoxo

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

υивяєакавℓє

i felt like blogging.. except i dont know what to write..argh lately ive been having bad dreams.. today i woke up.. and then fell off my bed!.. I was wearin like boxer shorts.. and i just sorta slid out.. and fell on top of my laptop wire.. and now i have this dent on my knee from where the plug thing dug into my skin.. oww.. what a way to wake up :S
um.. well im on stuvac.. meant to be studying i guess.. but as usual.. my laziness has taken over and im not.. and im sooo bored.. i wana go out! on the weekend went to akanshas 18th.. it was soo good! =D yay.. we need more parties like that.. it was ooo so fun.. especially the trampoline..
hmmz duno what to write.. i wana write so much except i duno what to say.. or how to say it..how come no1s blogged in ages? hmmz anywayz ill just list some points that have been bothering me.
  • feel really really ugly atm.. not just today.. it might be an ugly phase
  • feelin very lonely
  • argh my dad wants to go to uni :S
  • my sister has addiction problems with a game
  • my other sister doesnt know how to share with her sisters.. only her friends :S
  • im bored, sore, and hungry

the end.. xoxo Sam =