Why so serious? *evil laugh*

hrmm, so heres another entry that will make me cringe when i look back on it.. Right now, at this moment i feel a little lost.. or as my pm says like "theres an elephant standing on my head" maybe its because right now, at this moment i know something to be real. I realised that something i thought -might actually be true. But i know that it is in this moment, and that tomorrow i will continue on telling myself that it isnt true, that i just think it is for many other reasons. But right now. right now i know it. and it hurts to know the truth. I think that inside i know it, but its hidden by many layers that try to keep it away. I cant face it or deal with it; coz if i did, then i dont know what would happen. The unknown is what scares me the most. I cant talk to anyone about it because it is something that i have denied for so long, facing up to people would just be humiliating. What else scares me is the thought of being alone. I am alone in this moment. Sometimes i fool myself into thinking that i wont be alone always. That ill always have people around. But its not what i really want. Why cant some1 choose to hang out with me and want to be around me all the time. why havent i found that someone who wakes up thinkin about me.. bleh i feel like such a loser atm. I realised in HK only a few things that i was sure about. one was that i would not worry about the small things. the other was to go out more and actually live my life. My life doesnt revolve around work and uni.. and after my first week back, my life has gone back to how it was before i left. Ive worked everyday for the past week.. and next week doesnt look any better. Im working and have uni and thats all i seem to be thinking about. I wasted my days off thinking of where to go out, that actually going anywhere. I dont wana fall into that trap again. I dont want to be the same person. I want to live.