Routine

HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY AMY (for yesterday) hope u had a marvelous exciting day and i hope u made it memorable. you only eva hav a 18th bday once.

i really didnt wana start bloggin again.. but i feel as though i have to. i need to talk.. i havent had a proper conversation with anyone in a really long time. i feel really lost, distracted, confused, withdrawn. people talk to me and i talk to them. but im just standing there. u no wat i mean? just standing and watching and nodding and smiling. do i even no wat im saying? no. i just stand and nod and say yeh uhuh agreeing.. even when im in discussions they are never deep.
why has my life been overtaken by skool? why do i feel every moment is taken up by work? why do i feel like this? am i doing it on purpose? i think i am. avoiding reality. concentrating on avoiding life. but by doing so it doesnt mean im gona become super smart or sumthing. ive bearly had time to study. thinking and concentrating on not thinking is hard and tiring work.
it feels as though every1 i considered a frend has changed.. (excluding most skool frends).. but i mean people who were my frends on the outside. in my life. im not sure if they were my 'frends' or just people. but if they were my frends why do they avoid me or ignore me. or only talk 2 me when they need somthing.. my cuzn hasnt called me in ages.. she hasnt bothered.. but she went n asked my sista 2 ask me 2 borrow a dress.. without talking 2 me.. n i let her... i duno y i gota b nice
the trials bring out the true insides of some people. its so horrible. how nasty n mean people can get. its like they r in the wild. and they r starving. and theres only 1 apple left. n they all fite over it to get it. people would pretend to share it but they give u the rotten core of it.. i duno if it makes me up myself but i would think in that situation i am nice. i would give up my share to someone who needed it more. is it wrong to think im nice? maybe nicer than some other people? argh i duno
some people say i am too nice. and it mite be true. if someones mean 2 me. i cannot tell them 2 there face. i neva stoop to their level. i would neva do wat they did 2 me. i often get used and i get hurt, but wat am i meant 2 do. atleast there r a few people who look out for me. but im not sure that those people really exist.
atm im really really confused. i havent had enough time to stop n think and cry. even though i cry alot. i havent let out my feelings. i sit here and watch life walk past me. watch people grow and change and drift. while i stay and watch and observe. will i grow and evolve to? when is it my turn to change? or have i already started to? maybe its me whos been changing while every1 around me is still?...
*sigh* *yawn**scream* im meant to be studying for legal now.. but i dont want to. i did horrible the past few exams.. im really annoyed at myself for not studying for advanced english paper. why am i so nice? why do i worry about my sisters? fuckn hate yr 8 4 bein bitches 2 my sista. i cant believe i care so much about her. omg what am i doing? am i blaming my love for my sista for doing bad in english? arghh c y i hate blogging... im a bitch :S i guess its not just blogging coz they r my thoughts n feelings.. but yeh.. its not true if u dont say it.
sometimes its easier to see what you want than to search for the truth.