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hmmz.. so i thougt id come online tonight..and maybe try to watch some one tree hill episodes.. but i came online.. and msn signs in as usual.. appearing offline.. and i had 31 people online.. so i decided tonight mite b a good nite to try and catch up with some people.. i sign on.. and its weird.. people come up to me and talk 2 me.. but i dont feel connected with them.. i duno.. i dont like msn much anymore.. i do.. but i dont.. =S
yesterday i woke up.. and i felt like cryin.. duno y.. but maybe i had a bad dream.. but i felt really sad.. yeh anywayz afta that i new i was gona hav a bad day.. and i did.. some events at nite occured.. and i felt like cryin.. was at dianas 16th bday party.. and yeh.. stuff u dont wana c and dont expect to c or happen did.. and i dont wna talk bout it.. and dont wana bring it up.. but i get really grossed out.. upset.. cringe.. wheneva i think bout it. and yeh. arghhh and wat makes it worse is that im tryin 2 b ok with it coz ppl told me 2 relax bout it.. but then other ppl told me that im underreacting and i should aargue about it and make a point of it.. all i wana do if 4get.. argh anywayz thats not the point of wat i was gona say.. well afta the stuff happend and i got home..i really felt like talkin to some1.. and i wanted to come online.. but then my brain stopped me when i realised i have no1 to talk to about it.. yeh and that made me feel really sad.. i feel like im stuck in between to worlds.. not high school vs uni.. but more of my social worlds.. i duno
and sometimes i feel like a 'stick in the mud'.. lol is that the rite saying? like i feel that wheneva i do somethin im always ruining the fun.. i feel like some1 who when does somethin 'fun'.. isnt really havin fun.. i cant let go.. like for example.. i went 'clubbin' last week and as norml people do.. they drink and get drunk n have fun.. but wat i do is drink.. but only a little bit.. and then worry bout every1 else 2 make sure they arent too drunk or doin somethin theyllregret.. why ami like that? like even group outings.. i always worry.. like when steven wants 2 sneak into another movie.. y do i refuse? y do i wana pay again.. y am i like that? its not fun.. i hate being like that.. and i guess that sorta happened last night.. and i worrid.. and i didnt hav any fun at all for myself.. i cant let go.. im my head i say that i wont worry and ill do this.. and ill relax.. and get so hammered i wont remember anythi.. but when i go to do that somehin stops me.. and its so annoying.. what the hell is that? and why am i like that?
ok another thing i was thinkn bout.. i was watchin big brother.. and watchin how every1 hasto make friends with every1.. and i remember how hard that was in the beginning of high school.. and i guess i always took for granted having such good friends who ican trust.. and knew where i stood with every1.. but now.. with uni..i dont no if the people i call 'friends' are friends.. i dont think ieven trust any1.. i dont even have proper conversations with them.. and i realisd i made friends with the type of people i dont really like.. those competitive.. schooly types.. high schools over and there r still a few who ive met that r like that.. and then there are other people who make me feel so young in age.. and inferior coz they all work, drive nice cars are all older n hav more life experiences than me.. i really dont fit in.. and i dont no y those ppl that ive met arent as nice and comfortable to be around as my old friends.. and even steven n guils uni friends r nicer and more normal than some of the ppl ive met.. why is that? i dont fit in anymore with either worlds.. =S where do i belong?