џоч шоцℓdи'т вє џоц

Today, i had my third exam.. my second last one.. i failed.. but i dont mind as it means i'm one step closer to finish this semester. I hope i can pass the course overall.. Anywayz yeah to clarify my last entry about me not fittin in our group, i dont think it meant to offend anyone but myself. And i also think he meant the group, not as the WHOLE group, but the group he was occasionally in.. the ones who sometimes or kinda alot went to the library to study. He meant to ask why i was friends with people who studied and who were "smart". The whole conversation was sparkerd by my complaints about uni. Like usual i complain.
But anywayz, just had to clear that up.. Yeah.. well my exams have been annoying because, i havent studied. Everytime i say those three words "i havent studied" i feel as though i have to justify that. At uni, im constantly like being told that im smart, and i have the feeling people think that i lie about how much i actually study. Its getting really annoying. They dont do it on purpose, and its subtly implied to me. For example, I'd do an assignment last minute... sorta complain about my lack of input into it, and then return with a decent mark. People would sorta joke about it.. and imply that im smart. I don't wanna be smart if it means having to defend myself, and prove to other people that i did or didnt study. I don't mean to sound like up myself or something, and if u think that i am you dont know me at all, but its not my fault im able to bullshit and get the right answer, or remember small important facts without studying.. It's annoying. This morning before my accounting exam, (my worst subject), as i tend to do, i started to whinge that i couldnt remember anything and i was gona fail.. my usual stress thing.. (but i honestly did not do well..) and the girls i was with began to laugh me off and say nahh u dont have a problem look what u got in blah.. Am i a joke? Its not my fault i beat them by like 1 or 2 marks. Im just lucky, i dont wana be "smart" because i'm not. I hate people "thinking" im smart. i hate them thinking it because it makes me feel small.. Like im not allowed to do good. If i do good, then im not allowed to stress or worry about other exams..
Yeah anywayz i was trying to avoid a long blog, and i wana make it a happy one. Sometimes im insecure about my looks or my personality. But something my cousin Bec told me just stuck in my head. "If you wern't like that, you wouldnt be you"... those words were so strong i cant get them out. and it makes me so happy to know that. I know that sounds weird because everyone always tells you that, and you always read it or see it on tv.. But for some reason it just made sense to me now. Why should i change? If i were any different i wouldnt be who i was.. Doesnt that sound good? Yeah anywayz i just wanted to share those words of wisdom..
Thanx 4 listenin =P
Luv Sam xoxo