Why cant i put my nick as upset without people questioning it?.. like i guess its nice that people ask whats wrong.. but its when people who never talk to you start asking, when it gets annoyin..well im upset most probably due to guilt,, and anxiety <-- ive been told thatz the word to describe my feeling..well im feeling guilty ever since i had a bad dream, where i woke up with guilt and feeling like i ws about to cry coz i hadnt studied for my exams yet... and then ever since then ive been freaking out.. and im so scared to study.. im scared of my exams.. i dont know why.. i have a few more days till my finals.. and as i write that my tummy jumps, and my heart races.. im afraid.. but im not exactly sure what im afraid of... failing?
As i waste time, and try to avoid studying.. i start to think and contemplate on my behaviour and attitudes.. recently ive been very jealous of my cousin Kathryn. she got her motorcycle license and is getting a bike soon. im not jealous about the material things shes got.. im jealous of the fact that she had a dream of gettin her motorbike license and she has achieved it.. this made me wonder what my long term dreams and goals are.. and i havent come to a conculsion as yet.. i still live day by day and that scares me. i have no long term goals, no hobbies, no skills and nothing i am passionate about.. ive discussed this before, and still have no reached a result.. i talk to others about what they want to achieve, and what they would like to do, whether it be travel, job, love, money, life.. these people have certain ideas of where they would like to be in those different aspects of life.. and for me i am not able to think of what i want.. i dont want to travel, i dont wana go bungee jumping.. i dont know where i will be in five years let alone where i will be tomorrow..my whole life has been built on decisions to suit tomorrow.. i went to high school coz i had too, i continued to yr 11 and 12 coz thats what all my friends were doing, i went to uni coz thats what some people do after high school.. and after uni i guess ill get a job coz that jus the right thing to do.. but what do i want to do? who do i want to be? and where do i wana be?
I have no dreams, no aspirations, and i dont know where i belong.. steven asked me why i was even in the group of friends i was in high school.. he said i didnt even belong.. i duno if it was meant to be but i took it as a sort of insult.. and i felt bad that he implied i shouldnt be friends with the people i am. even though he meant it as to say that i didnt fit in as im different coz im weird or something.. actually come to think about it i dont really know what he meant by it.. but yeah.. and then he pointed out a fact that i already know and hate about myself.. the fact that i prevent him and others in doing 'immature' or funny things.. for example practical jokes.. i tend to say 'noo stop..' and i act like a mum.. :S i hate that so much about myself.. i worry way to much about the consequences it prevents me from having fun.. im not a fun person..
Another thing, i dont know what to do with my life.. i feel so out of touch.. im scared of everything, and i dont feel safe anywhere...i feel like i dont belong, and im scared of whats to come. im not able to spend today thinking about tomorrow, because if i do i wont be able to sleep. i become really "anxious" if thats the word.. i become worried and stressed and a horrible person to be around.. i don't know, i don't know who i am, why i am, where and how i am.. i am me but me is so many confused masks.. which am i, which is the good me, and where do i fit in.? should i be fake? should i act a certain way? maybe if i act a certain way long enough i'll become it.. like W.Somerset Maugham once wrote: "Sometimes people carry to such perfection the mask they have assumed that in due course they actually become the person they seem"
Today i worked with my aunty at the shangrila hotel.. where pams mum works.. so tired.. my shoulders/neck hurt from bending too much.. i went to a jewish synagogue to decorate and it was sooo pretty.. it looked like a theatre with leather seats and really nice wooden everything else.. and marble.. wow.. yeps and that was my day.. lots of contemplating and little doing anything..
Maybe i should try to get some sleep... goodnight.. sleep tight..
Luv Samantha xoxo
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4 comments:
i feel like that alot... i live day by day cos tomorrow i could be dead... morbid yes... but anyway the 'future' scares me... try not to think much about what steven said... and he needed you telling not to that... i do it to i think its an older sibling extinct thing we must apply to daily life lol
today is 19/6, yesterday 18/6 i had a dream about us going back to school coz we had to hand in logbooks (i think its because i had to hand in my logbooks today) anyways, u came as well and u were copying my answers. lol anyways overall it was a scary dream, coz it was at night and i had to walk in the dark and i used my fone as a torch. This is such a irrelevant comment coz ihavent read ur blog yet. i will read it later, now igotta wash the dishes..
Errr..im back again. i read ur blog but i didnt wash the dishes.A nyways why did steven say that? i totally dont get it. i dont think ur weird, lots of people think i am though.>__>" I dont get what steven said.... does that mean ur too different or too good to stay with us? ... now i feel weird.>_>" maybe im just too stupid to get it.
MMm i think u shouldnt think too much, just dont think!!!! It wont get u anywhere.. coz itried, i know. all these questions with no answers. the more u think, the more u will get confused.
I think u held our group together...without u there wud hav been no group. I'm saying that because i can remeber the days when u didnt come to school, and we all kind of sat around the tree missing you.
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