~-!.<

hmmz.. so i thougt id come online tonight..and maybe try to watch some one tree hill episodes.. but i came online.. and msn signs in as usual.. appearing offline.. and i had 31 people online.. so i decided tonight mite b a good nite to try and catch up with some people.. i sign on.. and its weird.. people come up to me and talk 2 me.. but i dont feel connected with them.. i duno.. i dont like msn much anymore.. i do.. but i dont.. =S
yesterday i woke up.. and i felt like cryin.. duno y.. but maybe i had a bad dream.. but i felt really sad.. yeh anywayz afta that i new i was gona hav a bad day.. and i did.. some events at nite occured.. and i felt like cryin.. was at dianas 16th bday party.. and yeh.. stuff u dont wana c and dont expect to c or happen did.. and i dont wna talk bout it.. and dont wana bring it up.. but i get really grossed out.. upset.. cringe.. wheneva i think bout it. and yeh. arghhh and wat makes it worse is that im tryin 2 b ok with it coz ppl told me 2 relax bout it.. but then other ppl told me that im underreacting and i should aargue about it and make a point of it.. all i wana do if 4get.. argh anywayz thats not the point of wat i was gona say.. well afta the stuff happend and i got home..i really felt like talkin to some1.. and i wanted to come online.. but then my brain stopped me when i realised i have no1 to talk to about it.. yeh and that made me feel really sad.. i feel like im stuck in between to worlds.. not high school vs uni.. but more of my social worlds.. i duno
and sometimes i feel like a 'stick in the mud'.. lol is that the rite saying? like i feel that wheneva i do somethin im always ruining the fun.. i feel like some1 who when does somethin 'fun'.. isnt really havin fun.. i cant let go.. like for example.. i went 'clubbin' last week and as norml people do.. they drink and get drunk n have fun.. but wat i do is drink.. but only a little bit.. and then worry bout every1 else 2 make sure they arent too drunk or doin somethin theyllregret.. why ami like that? like even group outings.. i always worry.. like when steven wants 2 sneak into another movie.. y do i refuse? y do i wana pay again.. y am i like that? its not fun.. i hate being like that.. and i guess that sorta happened last night.. and i worrid.. and i didnt hav any fun at all for myself.. i cant let go.. im my head i say that i wont worry and ill do this.. and ill relax.. and get so hammered i wont remember anythi.. but when i go to do that somehin stops me.. and its so annoying.. what the hell is that? and why am i like that?
ok another thing i was thinkn bout.. i was watchin big brother.. and watchin how every1 hasto make friends with every1.. and i remember how hard that was in the beginning of high school.. and i guess i always took for granted having such good friends who ican trust.. and knew where i stood with every1.. but now.. with uni..i dont no if the people i call 'friends' are friends.. i dont think ieven trust any1.. i dont even have proper conversations with them.. and i realisd i made friends with the type of people i dont really like.. those competitive.. schooly types.. high schools over and there r still a few who ive met that r like that.. and then there are other people who make me feel so young in age.. and inferior coz they all work, drive nice cars are all older n hav more life experiences than me.. i really dont fit in.. and i dont no y those ppl that ive met arent as nice and comfortable to be around as my old friends.. and even steven n guils uni friends r nicer and more normal than some of the ppl ive met.. why is that? i dont fit in anymore with either worlds.. =S where do i belong?

Holiday Update:

Sunday: Easter @ Kathryn & Bex
Monday: Easter @ home
Tuesday: Go Karting @ Minto, Movies @ Livo "Failure To Launch".. got biggest bruise from go karting.. met steven & guils uni friends Jackie & Andrew.. very nice ppl..
Wednesday: Easter Show, Pam's Bday.. very very tiring day..
Thursday: Shoppin @ Parra & Stockies
Friday: Nails @ FFLD Movies @ Stockies "She's The Man", Dad's Bday
Saturday: Gelato @ Verandah Bar .. left at 8pm.. david & shane picked me, anita & Kathryn up.. went ffld station.. met up with shanes friends mark & dean, caught train.. went verandah bar.. stayed till 3am sumthin.. went maccas.. walked 2 train station at 4.. trains didnt open till 5.. walked to darling harbour.. walked back to town hall. caught train at 5.. got to fairfield station.. car wouldnt start.. car broke down 6 times.. changed car battery.. went maccas for brekky.. got home at 8am sumthin..
Sunday: went to bed at 10am.. woke up at 2.. stayed home..
Monday: ashton slept over.. home all day
Tuesday: home.. catch up 4 uni. except havent actually started yet.. and its like 5pm.. got 3 assignments due.. and a few exams :S *stress time*

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happy easter i guess.. not so happy for me.. but when are holidays ever a happy occasion? im so pissed.. we went to kathryn n bex place for easter 2day.. and it was all good.. and it was just startin to get better when more of my cuzinz came n stuff.. and then we had to go home coz my dad wanted 2 visit his uncles place.. and argh i guess thats wat got me pissed in the first place.. and then he was driving.. and he was bein an idiot and sayin that food was 'shit' coz thats wat it turns out to be.. and i told him of for bein rude and gross.. and then he started arguing with me about who noes wat.. and i asked if he had drunk any alcohol.. and he had..and then we got into another arguement about drink driving. and i cant really remember what.. and then he started to tell me to shutup.. and arghh.. i hate that.. and i was so scared coz by this time he was speeding.. and goin like 120 in 100 zone.. and 80 in 50 zone.. and i just sat there cryin in the back of the car freakin out.. and him callin me selfish and crap.. he called me selfish coz i go i dont wana die.. and hes like ur bein selfish.. like wtf.. so he wants me 2 die? me livin is being selfish? arghh i hate this.. i duno wat to do.. how much longer am i gona put up with this? and its only gona get worse.. we totally dont get along.. our opinions n views are completely different.. and hes not open minded.. which frustrates me.. very different ppl.. and all we do is argue.. and he keeps tellin me 2 shutup.. and he said if i respect him i would neva speak in front of him.. arghhh im really annoyed.. and i have a huuugee headache.. i had another arguement with him yesterday.. and its only gona get worse.. coz hes gona b home on holidays n stuff from work. so hes gona b around more.. :\ what do i do? i cant shutup and let him think that what he is saying is right.. hes rude, mean, ignorant.. and theres no way to let him think that hes smarter then ppl.. theonly reason hes like this is that he makes up stuff... and talks about it infront of ppl who wouldnt no any better and believe him.. his stupid crap is bullshit.. and becoz i no some stuff bout stuff.. he sees me as a threat.. or somethin.. well thats the only reason i can think of. or maybe it is coz he hates my voice and can stand me like hes said many times.. !! so pissed..

ч макє мє ѕіск

yesterday, i woke up at 5:55am.. got ready and got dropped off at miller tway stop at 6:44 just as the quarter to 7 bus was comin.. jumped on and headed to livo.. waited for steven.. and we precisely caught th 7:17 millenium train to the city.. then we caught a bus to UNSW.. i felt like such an intruder lol.. steven was gona get me 2 sit in his tut.. but alot of ppl told me that the tutor would ask questions and i got scared.. so called guil.. and we sat in one of the computer labs.. i played rollacoaster tycoon while he tried 2 do some work.. he only managed to write one sentence in an hour.. lol i feel bad.. he kept tryin 2 show me how 2 play.. then he burnt me the game.. yay :) how nice.. thanx it kept me busy last night when i was bored. ok.. at 10 steven finished his tut.. and akansha came.. and we met steven's friend Jackie.. steven thinks she reminds him of eunice.. but i didnt talk 2 her that long 2 find out..she told steven that i seemed 'active' hmmz.. she told him it meant like social or somethin like that.. hope it was a compliment.. :) ok.. then me steven and akansha caught a bus.. we were meant 2 get off at town hall.. but we neva seemed to pass it.. and we ended up somewhere else.. past pitt street.. so we had 2 walk bak.. then we went kfc and ate.. and then we went 2 the movies and watched 'yours mine and ours'.. i thought i was a good movie.. (good movies can make me cry).. it was funny.. except steven kept commenting it was a little too 'brady bunchish' hmmz.. after the movie we went to find pamela a bday pressie.. got somethin.. hope she likes it.. afta that we dropped akansha to the train station and headed to find a bus so we can get back to uni in time for stevens tut.. at 4pm.. now.. u would think that catchin a bus in the city would b an easy thing.. all we wwanted was one that got to anzac parade.. there were plenty of buses that kept coming.. but did we get on one? no!!.. we waited for about an hour... ok maybe i exaggerated a little.. but it was more than 45 minutes.. ohh and to make it worse it was pouring down rain.. and there was no room under the shelter.. water was creeping up my jeans.. my toes were cold.. i was freezing and wet.. and getting sick.. *achoo*.. we waited till 4:00 when steven gave up an crossed the road.. i had 2 follow him even though i was determined to find a bus!.. at 4 we decided it was time to go home.. so we caught the train to livo.. i was soo tired.. i felt like sleeping.. but nope.. couldnt.. got to the station and caught the tway.. i caught it to prairiewood and went to stockies.. i got there at 6.. and waited in the foodcourt all by myself till 7 for my sisters n mum 2 come.. didnt end up leavin there till 10.. got home.. and played rollercoaster tycoon and went to bed at 12.. i spent a total of 18 hours out of my house.. and i was dead.. i woke up at 11 2day..
ok.. my title of this blog is u make me sick.. and im reffereing to something i cannot talk about.. but someone told me somethin.. and its becomming a big burden on me.. and if the secret i no is true.. i feel sick in my stomach to no it.. i shouldnt no it.. and i hope its not true.. but in a way i hope it is.. but i dont.. arghh.. ok i feel really guilty for hopin its tru.. only coz if it is tru it will teach this person a lesson for being the way that peson is.. serves u right kinda thing.. but noo its awful to think that.. :S arghhh
wat is it about secrets these days? i no another 1.. but this ones a good 1.. it involves some1 comin 2 visit.. but the family wants it a secret.. but i no coz my dad went fishing with one of the ppl that no.. and that person told him bout it.. hehe i can proabbly write who it is here but just in case some1 is readin that shouldnt be.. i wont.. ohh and they r comin 2moro.. so i only have this secret for 1 more day..
i wana go nowz.. get off the net.. let my head rest :D
good byez
Sam xoxo

='(

arghh.. so pissed atm.. im so sick of this.. so sick of everythin.. its an insult to my being.. i no i may be overreacting.. i no i neva went onto that account.. but u dont just delete my pictures and my details.. u dont just dissolve me outa ur life.. (and no im not talkin bout a guy.. my cuz without tellin me changed the username and got rid of pics n stuff from this account we made 2gether).. i feel so pushed outa everywhere.. a few years ago.. i new exactly where i fitted.. who i hung around.. who were my friends.. who were my enemies.. (*i joke i joke* i have no enemies) now.. every1s gotten over it.. its annoyin.. its such a transition i cant keep up..
everythin around me, everyone around me are moving on.. and im slow.. i cant keep up.. i duno what to do.. im livin about an hour behind normal people..i dont no where i fit in.. and there are so many mes.. im the me with my high school friends.. im the me with my family/household.. im the me with my family/cuzinz.. im the other me with different family members.. and im the new me at uni.., but i still dont fit in.. assyrian new year festival is gona prove difficult.. last year i new exactly where i fitted in.. 1 me was going.. but this year.. there are all different people from different areas of my life going.. and i dont no which me to go as..
and now all of a sudden i have to deal with uni.. i have so many assignments to do.. and im gettin scared.. but what makes it worse is that no1 else seems to be worried.. they're all dealin with it.. i feel so young..! everyones older than me in age and in mind.. i duno if im mature enough to handle it.. i havent been this sad i guess u can call it.. and so confused in a long time.. i guess its just coz ive been so busy i havent had time to sit and think about it all.. i havent even cried in ages.. maybe im gettin stronger? i duno.. but right now i dont feel that strong..argh *sigh* *breathe* *smile*
moving on... its april fools today, assyrian new year 2.. and we get to change the clocks on sunday.. i think it means we get an extra hour of sleep.. i hope we do.. the thought of us losing an hour of sleep makes me sad. :(

p.s. i hate it so much when ppl use 3rd person when talking or in their nicks.. duno if its 3rd person dont no the technical term for it.. the one where they write for example samantha is bored.. no wat i mean?