anamnesis

anamnesis - the recollection or remembrance of the past; reminiscence.
I had a really really really boring day. And i emphasis the word BORING, I think i expected to much, and when my plans didn't turn out the way i wanted i just got bored. My boredom led to my thinking, and my thinking led to my reading of past blogs and such. I found this document about me talkin about something that happened, and it looked like i had directed it to someone. I dont remember the situation but i do remember the person.. I cant believe how i felt. Reading over that brought up old feelings, and i just remember how hurt and confused i was...
I was reading my blog from exactly one year ago, there werent alot of posts last year. maybe coz i had a life... but maybe because that was the year i decided not to be a drama queen and share all my feelings to the rest of the world.. But anywayz, reading the posts i had written i could just remember the feelings.. I dont ever want to go back to that place....
I think though i might be heading there again. To acting like the stupid girl i once was. The bored one.. The one who complained over stuff for no reason... ok maybe i did have reasons. But i dont want to dwell on those issues. I am not a "hippy" because i like to ignore certain issues in life. I just dont ever want to feel as bad as i have in the past. If thats selfish, then let it be. My guard is always up, and no one can enter. To be honest there are alot of things that i think about and even though i talk alot... i tend to ignore them. If you ask the right question u will get the right answer.. You just have to be clever in that way. I wish i had someone that really understood where i was coming from. Somone who doesnt judge me and take what i feel as "bad issues" as stupid drama queen stuff... I hate that i have no1 to connect with.. and ive been beginning to feel it more and more lately...
I dont know how to fix the problem and this kind of causes more confusion.... I think i find something, but then "anamnesis" reminds me again that i cant trust those feelings, that im just going to be hurt again. I need a hero... lately it seems like ive had to save myself...