problems

i have problems, and i dont think id ever be able to admit that in person. sometimes i really need to talk to someone but i cant becoz i worry what they will think of me. so instead i keep it in. lately ive been extremely moody and emotional and angry and all sorts of things. and i dont know what to do. i yell alot, i stress over everythin and just about cry at every little thing that could happen. my mouth keeps asking for help, but my brain doesnt know what it needs help with. i worry and stress about organisation. i need to know every detail if im gona go out, as soon as something goes wrong like if i start running late, i stress and cry, and take even longer. today i had a good cry about buying this ugly dress under pressure. i liked it, tryed it on, but new i didnt need a dress, and i still bought it. wore it to nevadas bday party 2nite.. felt so uncomfortable in it and i know ill never wear it again. and i cried becoz 1 of my cuzinz have been tellin his cuzinz about my party and been invitin all these people, some really young. and i cried coz i feel really guilty becoz i know i wasnt going to invite them. and i cry, and cry.. and i yell at my sisters. and then i feel so bad at yellin i cry some more. its like my whole body is confused, my brain is tryin 2 tell me sumthin but i dont get it, i become confused and i dont no wat to do. so i cry. im not the same person anymore. i used to b able to organise stuff.. work everythin out, write it down. but i cant. my grandma went into hospital the other day, and i didnt even make time to visit her, and i cried. i was so scared. shes out now, but she isnt that much better, and i still havent seen her yet.. im so scared about 2moro that i cry, every 2day looks at tomorrow with fear. i need someone to talk to, i really need someone to tell me its going to be ok.. i ask my mum to help me organise my party n stuff, but i get so frustraated becoz she doesnt get me. i know shes tryn to help, but i duno,.. i get so annoyed.. things with my dad arent any better, they just seem to get worse and worse.. i avoid talking to him as much as possible, but he goes out of his way to get me angry. he says completely stupid and rude things just to piss me off.. its unbearable.. he also goes out of his way to stop me from doin anythin.. make me feel guilty.. the other day i asked my mum if she could make me a sandwich... i neva eva ask her, but she had just made my dad around 5.. so i asked.. and he yelled at me so bad.. i was so pissed. called me lazy and said i didnt care about her.. i mean how stupid and hypocritical.. she had just made him a few sandwiches.. but its ok 4 him?? arghh
at nevadas bday 2day.. sittin bak n watchin.. i didnt fit in.. at all..the ppl all typical assyrians.. i didnt no how to act.. so i just walked around,, didnt talk much.. just sat there till the end.. i felt so uncomfortable.. watchin how the girls flirt with the guyz, and danced with them. and tickeled them and all that sorta stuff.. they all knew each other.. i didnt no any1.. arghh and my cuz said shell introduce me to ppl and stay with me and stuff.. but she wasnt around much.. n her introductions were her yellin out to me sayin 'sam thats blah' 'blah thats sam' and thats it.. argh i dont even no wat im talking about, i just need to let it out, i need to talk to someone.. its 1:30am though.. who the hell can i talk 2? arghh and i feel like cryin so much.. i dont even no why.. and 2moro when i think back to today or read this ill cringe.. i always do. it seems as though after days pass, i just 4get this.. until it happens again.. my life is a circle, and nothin ever gets solved.. its just like puttin a bandaid over the problem.. its hiding, its never really gone is it? and if it is ur left with a scar..