иоѕтаℓgіа

I was looking through pictures from last year, and then it hit me. I miss how things were, i miss the people, i miss the less stressful situations, i miss the past. Remember when we were younger, and nothing mattered. The only thing you had to think about was what cartoon you were going to watch when you got home from school. You thought the world was filled with nice people, that everyone has to like everyone else, that things you wanted would be given to you. We took so much for granted. Friends, Love, Family. But now, its like we need to work for all the things we want, the things we need. Its not possible to just sit back, and let someone else worry about you. Things don't just magically work out. We need to think for ourselves, we need to physically do things for ourselves. We need to worry, we need to plan, we need to organise, we need to work. They say ignorance is bliss, but with age comes wisdom and respobsibilty. As we grow older our minds grow, grow with knowledge, concerns, worries, thoughts, plans. This responsibilty is overwhelming. Everyday we are faced with decisions that could affect our future. Your one little decision could change destiny and lead you into a whole different future. These thoughts scare me.
Before i make any decision, my mind goes through a sequence of questions. Im faced with questions like what, where, when, how, why, and the why and how become intensified. These questions get analysed further, with questions such as is it worth doing? will it benefit me? will it hinder my relationship with others? will it affect my life in a positive or negative way? etc. I think that if i wasn't faced with these questions every single time i wanted to do something, i would be a completely different person. I would be doing something else. I wouldnt be at uni, i wouldnt have the friends i have, I may even be living on my own somewhere. But because i choose and decide the things i do, this is what i have. Sometimes i wish that i was a different person. Someone who did what i really wanted to, someone who didnt become shy, someone who was able to do things without any consequences. I wonder..
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I havent blogged in awhile, i dont know why i havent. Sometimes i feel like hiding in my room, not talking to anyone. Other times i need people, i need to talk to survive. I just get in different mind sets. Life is filled with variables and controls. My controls include, my going to uni, who my family are and thats basically it. I think that the overwhelming amount of variables in my life is what makes me worry. My variables include, who my friends are, what i do each and everyday in my spare time, on my weekends, on my holidays, who i talk to and who i dont, what i eat, where i live, the environment, the weather, transport, trains, buses, planes, cars, car accidents, accidents of any sort, crimes. There are so many things i am not able to control. I wanted to go on a holiday. For two whole days straight i was planning and organising to go. Trying to convince my mum to go with me. Thinking of what i want to do, where i want to go. After two days of going nowhere. My thoughts change. I begin to worry about how ill get there, what i need to get there, what i need to plan. It hurt my brain just thinking about it all.
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I feel disconnected and awkward talking to anyone. I feel really withdrawn as a person. I am not social, bubbley, talkative, crazy, or whatever i once was. Music in my life is important, i always try to keep up with new songs, but recently ive also disconnected and im listening to old songs, not paying attention to the lyrics or even the music. Im not sure why i am like this, and im not sure what it will take me to become connected to the world once more. But i hope i can change and be how i was once. I havent had a 'deep and meaningful' with anyone for such a long time. I actually havent cried either. It sounds like a good thing, but im not sure it is. I dont want to be one of those people when they're 80, they live in a small isolated house, with cats or dogs as my only friends. I want.. Im not sure i want.. Im not even sure what i need. Im just loafing, drifting, waiting for something to hit me. What if nothing hits me?