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today i went over my cuznz place.. shane n anthony.. for a bbq.. every1 was there.. [01:01am some1 thinkin bout me...:S] anywayz.. made me think of who i am.. and y im like that.. ive come to a conclusion..
when i was younger.. i was a tomboy.. always hung around my guy cuzinz and felt more comfortable round guyz.. i started to grow older.. more mature.. and so did my guy cuznz.. they didnt want me hangin round when they picked up chicks or were just actin like guyz.. so i was kinda pushed away from them.. i had to find a new group of ppl 2 b with.. made me closer to my girl cuznz.. now i hang around girls.. and be girly with them.. makeup clothes check out guyz try n act all eww yukk.. u no a girl.. but im not comfotable with them.. girls bitch complain whinge bla bla... wateva.. i realised that if im in a situation with a big group of guyz and theyre my frends i can be really comfotable with them and joke and wateva.. but as soon as some1 mentions the possibility of relationships or some1 bein hot or sumthin.. i totally get weird.. im not comfortable and act really shy and quiet.. and thats the total opposite of wat im really like.. i like bein original and loud.. i wore odd socks to church with hundreds of ppl lookin and i yell and scream and make weird noises wen walkin round.. but if theres some guy there i totally change.. if im with my cuzn.. i hate it.. and its becoz wheneva we go out.. theres always a guy around.. or guyz checkin her out.. or a guy.. guyz everywhere.. i think thats y i hate it.. becoz i hate it.. i pretend i dont care and i dont try.. y should i try to be somethin that im not and feel uncomfortable? and if a guy does end up likin me wen im fake then i dont like him or i get annoyed.. other people think im upmyself or sumthin.. like for example.. the u18s thing.. the guy was all ova me or wateva it was.. and afta that i complained and whinged bout him.. but then people ask.. y do u even go when u no that u18s r place 4 ppl 2 meet n pick up? i really dont no wat 2 say.. i really wana meet some1.. but i duno..i cant.. im not comfotable with anythin.. i feel really bad.. i got tears in my eyes now.. everythin in my life seems to be piling up.. and i cant handle it..
all problems seem to be illuminated rite now..
my family frends skool.. everythin seems to hav been exagerated and problems seem to have expanded.. so uncontrolable.. and i dont no what to do.. ive tried blocking it.. but i keep exploding.. it never works.. avoiding the problem only makes me more sad.. and i end up here sittin on the net.. pourin out my feelings and crying.. i need a new way to deal with things.. i need to get away.. i need time to myself.. i need to find out who i am.. i want so many things 4 my life but i cant seem to get anythin..
i wana pack all my things and go.. somewhere.. who noes where.. away... i wish i was some1 else.. or with some1.. or had 1 person there just to be there.. omg i feel like cryin.. but i cant.. eyes r teary.. its 1:17am.. dad told me that i had to get offline at 1.. but i think him n my sis r watchin a movie and he 4got.. i hope he falls asleep and doesnt come in here.. i dont want any1 2 c me sad n teary.. its embarassing.. arghhh
lol its really funny.. ive noticed that wen i blog bout all this shit.. no1 seems to comment.. but i understand and i feel really bad.. y r some ppl so caring? they care so much and worry and dont no wat 2 say.. i feel bad to worry ppl.. wen its normal 2 feel bad.. i feel bad when some1 asks me wats wrong.. coz i dont wana tell them and make them feel bad.. i duno if that makes sense.. but wateva.. i want help but i dont want it from ppl that r close to me.. i duno y i feel like this wen if the shoe was on the other foot.. and i was readin one of my frends blogs id really wana help.. but i feel like they dont need to b there 4 me.. every1s got there own problems.. and they dont need more.. i think i just need to meet new ppl.. and talk 2 strangers and yeh.. i have no idea wat im sayin..
i dont wana get offline.. not yet.. ive still got hope.. ive got the willingness to be happy.. my brain is 2 sided.. i wana breakdown but i wana be happy on the other.. my head talks to itself keeps sayin relax go to sleep wake up problems will be gone.. the other says cry let it out talk to someone.. i duno which side to follow.. so i end up sittin here getn emotional.. cry laugh.. stare into space.. im rally weird.. :S
ive also realised i cant concentrate for more than 10minutes or sumthin.. i always get distracted.. and then wat i rite doesnt make sense at all..
today i laughed so much.. this always happens to me when ive had a good day.. i always seem to run out of laughs and happiness.. im really emotional.. i seriously think i need help lol..
ive been blogging for 24 minutes.. think thats enough.. just gona listen 2 some music for awhile..