obliterated life

soo.. obliterate = delete, which is wat i have done to the last two blog entries.. i felt that its stuff that was really stupid and that wasnt real.. i was just crazy at the time when i wrote them..
today went over my grandmas house for the whole day.. nuthin to exciting..
didnt have enough sleep.. u no how wen u sleep if ur normal.. ur brains meant to sort out all ur problems..and ur meant to wake up feelin refreshed and more relaxed.. well somethings wrong with me coz my brain didnt do anythin.. i just kept waking up.. i think my brains in overload and cant sort out all my problems.. and i cant relax.. i duno wat to do.. i used to relax by taking long showers and havin music up full blast.. but my stupid bathroom doesnt have a power point for me to listen to anything.. its driving me crazy..
every holidays i feel shit.. my feelings become amplified.. and more things seem to worry me.. i deal with that with the thought of goin back to skool.. but now i dont even wana go to skool.. im so not looking forward to skool.. i dont wana face hw, assignments, exam results, frends.. anything :S im really hating it..
another way i would relax was talk to my frends.. but now i dont even no whats going on.. i feel really lost and confused and need help..
i breathe and breathe tryin to push that lump back down my throat and get rid of that feeling.. but it rises and my eyes fill up with tears and i have to wipe them coz if any1 sees me i duno wat id do..
arghh im soo moody these days. i wana be happy.. i spent 10 minutes staring into the mirror trying to smile.. so my parents dont realise that i spent nearly half an hour in the bathroom crying.. it didnt work.. walked downstairs sat down tears came back.. hid my face by going into the kitchen pretendin to get icecream..
it feels like i have no1 to talk to.. but i no that i have a million ppl out there to talk to.. my frends.. but i feel like im goin crazy.. my brain is split in half.. half of it is sayin talk to someone.. the other dont.. shutup.. relax.. breathe.. tears..
arghhhhhh anyone no any good ways which i can help relax..? and get rid of my worries without worrying other people..?