cornflakes

im gettin really annoyed with all this rain, lightning, and thunder.. the rain on its own is fine.. but lightning kills me.. ever since the tv blew up everytime we see lightning everything gets switched off just in case.. so that means sittin in the dark doin absolutely nothing.. im home alone yay.. but its raining.. i hope it doesnt storm.. or then ill hav nuthin to do..
yesterday i stayed home.. we cleaned the whole house and put up our christmas tree.. lol we put up our tree 2 days early.. talk about bein proactive.. hehe we usually put it up on the 1st but my sisters formals then and we r gona b busy and today they had to go get my sistas eyebrows done.. so yup im home alone, bored..
ive been really bored lately so the other night i decided to msg a few old friends of mine.. like really old.. ppl i havent talked to in more than 6 months or sumthin.. but omg guess wat my fone decides to do! send the same msg to like i duno how many ppl.. maybe 15 or sumthin.. waste my credit.. and then i had to msg those ppl that the msg wasnt meant for them... omg how embarassing..!!!
anywayz i hav no idea wat im gona do today.. i had invited my frends over for lunch.. but only like 3 could come.. thanx 2 those ppl who let me know.. had to cancel it.. not enough ppl.. and coz its raining i thought my dad wouldnt go to work today.. he didnt but hes at my grandmas house.. oh wellz.. i guess i can organise it another day.. hopefully more ppl will wana come..
argh its 10:30 gota take my tablets.. havent even eaten breakfast yet.. brb gona go eat..
omg so instead of eating i had a 10 min conversation with my aunty who just called.. now im gona go eat..
i can eat n type at the same time.. im eatin corn flakes.. they're healthy arent they? yupz.. boredom gets to me.. but im not really bored.. im just in a state of nothing.. i guess im relaxed.. not worryin about anythin eatin my breakkie.. so i call this state bored.. hehe
omg i just remembered i got a huge dilemma.. i duno when im gona watch harry potter! arghh it comes out 2moro.. wat do i do?? i might go watch it with my sista 2moro night.. amanda gona watch it on sat with her friends.. but i feel sorry for nat coz she has no1 2 go c it with.. so ill go with her.. but how bout on tuesday we go n watch it.. i dont mind watchin it again.. i really wana go out next tuesday.. we were meant to go movies yesterday but no1 organised it.. i wanted to see if any1 else would bother organising it.. and no1 really did.. and i couldnt be bothered.. but next week ill try organise it.. dependin on situations.. we should go n watch it.. wait so i think dilemma is over im gona go watch it with my sis.. no1 else has told me they wana go watch it with me 2moro.. so yeh.. go with sis.. dude does this even make sense.. blehh.. hehe
cornflakes hav gotten to my head
bye byez mwah mwah
Sam xoxo

Green Eyed Monsta

arghh.. im emotional again :S *groans* i was goin through all the formal pics from last night.. i duno if it was realising that i might never see these people again or the song im listenin to (james blunt - goodbye my lover) or a combination of both..every1 looked so beautiful last night.. *jealousy* i was so uncomfortable last night.. before i left the house my grandma even said relax.. she said that it can be seen that i wasnt in a good mood from the way i 'carried' myself.. i looked shit and she could tell.. i was just so annoyed.. i dont work well under pressure.. or in a rush.. i need everythin to be organised.. and when my plans change.. i get really stressed.. and me bein stressed comes through to the way i look.. i guess its the same with everyone.. but im so jealous of how beautiful every1 looked.. i knew i shoulda got a new dress.. the whole night i was so unfomfortable in the back of my mind i kept tellin myself that tasha looked heaps betta than me.. i hate bein like that.. i never used to be like that.. i used to be more confident.. i duno whats happend.. ive become heaps more self concsious and yeh.. i hate this feeling.. i thought i was over it all.. i guess i will be tommorrow.. but yeh..
fuk i havent had time to stop and slow down.. im so tired. my brain is tired. i havent had one days rest. i need one day to just stop. stay home. watch my movies. continue a normal routine. but nooo everyday im out.. either shoppin, visitin ppl.. or now helpin my aunty... tommorrow im goin 2 her office to look afta the shop and greet customers while she goes decorates a function.. im gona be so bored.. some1 visit me.! its on The Horsley Drive.. theres a big sign sayin BRIDAL FACTORY.. shes like on th 2nd level or sumthin.. Bejour Event Managment.. any1 can find it.. come c meeee.. and on Sunday i gota go church coz theyre havin this markett/fete day and i gota sell jewellery, makeup and help advertise her business.. arghh i need a break.. i wana stay home.. i wana think.. i wana cry... i just need to rest.. i cant even explain how tired i am.. im running in overload.. im becomming really snappy at people and becomming more impatient.. i hate goin on the net.. atm im away pretendin im playin fullscreen game.. but im not obviously.. i just cbf to talk to anyone.. no1 really wants to talk to me anywayz,,
omg today i was at my aunties shop and she needed an electrician so i called prameeta. i feel so bad.. im sorry.. he really didnt hav to come it wasnt that important.. u had that thing on 2moro.. uze were probably busy.. i didnt even think.. so sorry.. but a really big thanx.. ur dad came out really quickly and was really good at his job.. i was so embarassed to call.. but she needed an electrician b4 monday n today was the only day shed be there..
hmmz.. im so annoyed! lol every1 keeps askin me 4 pics.. but i havent had time 2 upload them onto the net.. and yah.. every1 keeps askin.. maybe i should delete msn.. not like i talk to any1 anymore... doesnt seem like any1 really wants to other than ppl from skool..
anywayz enough depressin blogs.. im just overtired.. and need a break..
bye byezzz
xoxoxo Sam

Happy 1 Year Bloggy =)

twas a friday night at 6:32pm on November 19th 2004.. exactly 1 year to this day that i started my blog..

"i hate feeling bad.. so i try and b happy.. but bein happy means ignoring things.. so im neva goin to be happy 4 real.. artificial happiness.. on the surface only.. until i deal with things.. if i deal with them my whole life will change.. im so scared of changes.. my life is full of them.. im sick of it.. i wanna giv up changing i wanna stay the same...yeh.. anywayz this is makin me feel worse.."

thats quoted from my blog last year.. today, i feel exactly the same.. so i guess i havent changed in that part..
On tuesday we are gona go livo movies.. around 10:30 - 11 pm.. we need to discuss organisations for the formal.. try n go.. its sorta important.. and tell the others if you read this.. so every1 knows about it..

okz... im goin out 2day.. i should go get ready.. bye byez
Sam xoxo

*phew*

ok.. so an update about yesterdays annoyance.. im ok now.. i bought new shoes, i made an appointment for my hair, i got new underwear that works under my dress *giggles in embarassment*, bought a bag, and sorta got more organised in my head.. so i guess im relaxed.. and halfway ready 4 the formal.. omg i saw samantha.k 3 times in the past 2 days.. yesterday at Parra, this mornin at Livo, and tonight at Stockies.. lolz luckily she didnt see me at all today.. so embarassing.. yupz. thats it.. cya

Plain As Dilbert

omg! so now i need to buy new shoes for the formal.. i cant believe i didnt bother tryin on the shoes i had bought with my dress till day.. well i did.. n u c an c the top of my shoe.. n its really ugly.. my shoes arent formal shoes.. they're like goin out/work/business shoes.. not formal dressy shoes.. n now i gota spend more money on new 1s.. im so annoyed coz ive like spent 300 of my own money on this stupid formal which is for only 1 day.. n my dad only gave me 300.. arghh its way to much im so stupid.. i bought all these lil bits n pieces n it all adds up.. i bought a necklace, earrings, and a ring today.. they're green.. they were only 60 for the lot.. so i guess im happy bout that.. but all the rest.. :S ive got shoes that dont match my dress, underwear thingos that dont even do anythin *grrr* and a dress that somebody already has :S omg.. im so annoyed i cant explain how much i am.. and im really really annoyed and gettin so stressed about thur.. i dont hav an appointment for my hair.. no idea whos gona do my makeup coz my aunty keeps tellin me to get her sons gf to do it 4 me.. no idea how every1 is gettin there.. i still dont no if i need to organise another car.. i duno where every1 is meetin.. i duno whats gona happen afta the formal.. r ppl gona come over.. r we gona go to any afta parties.. arghh so stressed.. i hate organisin it all.. i duno what to do.. i seriously need every1 to group together n tell me what they want! there is no way that all of us r gona b able to talk b4 the formal.. and i cbf to ring every1 n ask them.. but then i feel bad coz i feel responsible for the groupiness of the group.. im the 1 who wants every1 to stay in touch n b together.. if i didnt care i bet every1 would just go by themselves n we'd meet there... but i really dont want that.. anywayz im just really stressed.. lettin it all out.. *breath* "goossfraabaaa".. ok all good now i think.. until some1 brings up the formal again n ill b like arghh..
hehe anywayz bye bye
Samantha xoxo

..:: I Miss U.. But Ur Not Missing.. So I Guess Its My Misfortune.. ::..

today me amy n steven went stockies n watched the 40 yr old virgin.. omg those guys and the sponsor a child thing.. shook our hands, talked to us.. yay they thought we were older than we r :) anywayz thats it.. short n sweet.. cyaa

hmmz..i will title this somethin beta when im not brain dead..

arghh i really wana write what happened today but my brain is so tired.. i laughed so much today.. it felt good.. but im completely gone now.. ok it all started when we went to school to sign out.. yay our last day ever at school.. so this is a brief introduction and narrative of our exciting adventures and journeys into an unkown parallelium area of new meetings and strange followings and stalkings.. i am currently brain dead, incapable of proper thought and speech, i will explain this to you properly in person.. coz its weird to type.. to long..

well yeh this guy named Soraya... we dont no him he just came to our school last year... a few months ago.. on a tues me pam steven akansha went livo n he saw steven n he rememberd him.. so we started talkin to him n then like he sorta followed us for an hour coz he was bored.. we thought ok.. he was bored that day.. 2day we went to livo.. n we were in the carpark.. n i saw him.. he was goin home.. but then he saw steven.. n i saw him walk bak into livo.. we walked near the movies.. n he was there he said hi.. we said hi.. then we said we gota go.. cya next thing we no.. we're in galaxy world n we c him running towards us puffin outa breath.. thennn he followed us n goes im bored im just gona hang around uz.. we were like ok.. 10 min n we gona go somewhere else anywayz we decided to go burwood.. shelly bought a street directory n everythin n then... he decided to come with us.. i seriously thought he'd sit in shellys car n squish up in the back.. but he had his own caar so hed follow us.. n thenn he was in his car n we were in shellys but he got lost.. so we just kept goin n then we got lost.. we didnt no how 2go burwood so we went parra n then he called us.. n hes like omg im somewher ein villawood i duno where i am n we were seriously not gona tell him where we were.. but we just told him we r lost in parra we ate.. n then he called.. so we said we're lost n we r gona look 4 parra westfields.. n then he came! n he found us in parra n he followed us around for like 1 hour n then we all went home n he was complainin it was borin but it was so funny coz hes so weird n no1 wanted him 2 come lol u seriously had to be there it took us about 3 hours till he found us at parra from the time he left livo n he only stayed for an hour

p.s i 4got to add that he was really really hungry.. he hadnt eaten.. he was tellin steven to eat at livo.. but we told him we were gona wait till burwood.. n we had already eaten at parra by the time he found us.. he was hungry, lost, n alone..

i feel guilty at laughin at other peoples misfortunes.. but u gota understand how funny it was..

lol ps.ps... i 4got to add that he has steven n shellys numbers... uh oh..

My Life A Series Or Chapter Book?

Too much crying
my heart is burning now
I'm standing here on my own
I feel so alone

So, its the end of the hsc.. and how am i meant to be feeling? i feel like this-
:l
totally lost, looking at the wall, looking for answers. What am i supposed to do now? Its not boredom, its contemplation. Im thinking- thinking about the next minute, the next hour, the next day, the next week, the next year. About 10 hours ago, i closed a chapter of my life, well not exactly. I have reached the part at the end of the book when you realise that the character is supposed to live happily ever or as in the case of my life, you realise that the book is about to end and you have to read the next installment of the book to find out what happens. Its just like TV shows, like Neighbours, its 6:50pm and you know theres 10 more minutes left of the show. You know that a commerical will appear and that after the commercial nothing really develops in the story, leaving the issue unresolved. I guess that's what has happened so far in my life. I've finished my exams and now i wait. Currently im experiencing a commercial break, and i'm waiting to see what is about to happen, what will happen tommorrow? I'm waiting to see how my life will turn out, im waiting for previews of my future. During this time i can't experience any developments in my life because its still the ad. If i were to develop or change right now, no one will know, no one will be ready - I wont be ready.

HSC IS OVER!

the hsc is over!

hmmz..remember when i was young?

arghh.. why wont i do anything? every1s finished there hsc.. well not everyone.. but it seems like everyone has.. and im stuck with business in another 2 days.. or is it 3.. i cant even count anymore? somethings wrong with me.. i cant concentrate.. i cant think.. i cant even do simple things.. my brain is depleting.. im STUPID! i feel really dumb,, yesterday was my dads cuzinz cuzinz son's birthday lol (i just threw that long list as a joke haha.. nahh but seriously thats how we r related..) his names Kaizar... n hes sooo cute.. he has like a lil mohawk. and omg its so cute.. it naturally stands up.. ohh wait ill put a picture..

aww how cute.. hes blowing a kiss.. hes a cutie.. he just turned 1.. btw thats cake in his hands.. he was feedin himself.. got a lil messy
anywayz at his party my cuz took us 2 his comp n made us play who wants to be a millionaire coz there was nuthin else 2 do.. and i felt so dumb i didnt no anythin and one of my other cuzinz who was like 12 knew heaps more than me.. :(

anywayz today i bought my friend a birthday pressie and shoes 4 the formal :( lol im so stupid.. i really wanted 2 go shopping with every1.. but i couldnt wait.. i really wanted these shoes.. ohh i wana go take a picture of my shoes.. hold up.. lol...

anywayz.. there not all that.. but i luv them.. theyre so cute.. they were $140 and they came in this white box with a cute luv heart on it.. and inside the box was another small white box with a luv heart and inside that were extra soles for the shoe 2 replace them in case they wear out.. omg i luv shoes... they're so fun.. and its ok. there not that dressy and they dont need to be coz my dress covers them.. so these shoes are versitle and i can wear them anywhere i want.. :D omg like im excited about shoes.. am i a girl or what?
i remember when i was younger i used to be so scared that people would think i was a guy.. thats why i would emphasise my earrings.. coz earring meant that u were a girl.. and i always tried to look like a girl.. i always wanted long hair.. it was as though i feared that people would think i was a guy coz i acted like one.. now. that i sorta look like a girl.. (i guess) i mean i got a girly figure.. *giggles* lol (immaturity) yah.. i get annoyed.. lol omg hav u seen that ad about those little girls and they all like put on bras n stuff.. pretendin to be older.. wantin boobs.. and it goes 'remember when u used 2 be excited to find change.. now it could save ur lives Breast Cancer sumthin' lol.. yeh anywayz my mum goes to me ohhh i remember when u used to do that.. and i was like wtf no i didnt.. and after she thought about it awhile she realised i didnt.. lmao.. my mum was livin in a movie lolz.. i used to always be so embarassed.. and yeh cover up alot i didnt like changes.. haha.. im a girl now..
im gona be 18 :'( lol.. its still young but yet so old.. and its gona happen so soon.. but it seems like forever.. and now i seem to be rambling on about who noes wat... so i betta stop..
bye byez
sam xoxo

Addiction

Kanye West Once Sang In His Song Addiction:

"What's your addiction? Is it money? Is it girls? Is it weed?
I've been afflicted by not one, not two, but all three"
....
"Why everything that's supposed to bad make me feel so good
Everything they told me not to is exactly what I would
Man I tried to stop man I tried the best I could
But (You make me smile)"

according to www.dictionary.com addiction is defined as:
a) Compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit-forming substance: a drug used in the treatment of heroin addiction.
b) The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or or involved in something

there are many types of addictions.. the ones im talking about arent drugs and stuff like that.. mostly about addictions of the second definition..
some people are addicted to lying, to attention, some are addicted to irratating habits.. like biting their fingernails, using certain words of phrases that have become cliches..
everyone must be addicted to something.. it could be anything.. i have to admit im addicted to.. now that i think about it i have no idea what i am addicted to.. i have no particular hobby.. i dont have any skills.. i dont do something alot.. actually i can be very irratating.. overtalking.. annoying at times.. can someone be addicted to talking? or wanting to always have someone to talk to? is that a sort of addiction? addiction for human conversation?
why is everything thats supposed to be bad make me feel so good? thats so true.. chocolate, icecream, sweets of all kinds. addictive yet so so bad for you.. hmmz apart from food.. being addicted to the net, the fone, tv.. stuff like that cannot be good for you..
i have to admit i was once addicted to the net.. but recently ive been withdrawn from it.. if im at the computer desk my status is online.. if im not at the computer; if im downloadin or something my status is away or busy.. even if im busy but at the desk im online.. recently i havent been 'online' often.. i dont wanna talk to anyone..i sorta know why.. not because of exams.. i could easily study and go online but.. i duno.. recently ive started to think about my friends who are only my friends through the net.. people i see around once in awhile but only talk to alot over the net.. imagine if i didnt have the net.. how would i talk to these supposed 'friends'.. some of my bestest friends that i trust are only through the net.. i c here and there but... yeh.. since that guy passed away.. ive been thinking.. if i didnt talk to my cuzin i would have never known he had passed away.. what if one day one of my net friends *god forbid* passes away.. how would i find out? no one would contact me.. no1 would know that i exist.. there is no way i would find out.. so i just figured that if i stopped talking to some people or came online less regularly and limited conversation then it would reduce the pain..
if i were another person telling me how i felt right now i would tell myself that i should make the most of it and its not likely to happen and blah blah but i cant seem to listen to my own advice.. its just so confusing.. i really think im going crazy.. im really confused and sad all the time for no reason.. i get annoyed very easily.. i worry so much about everything and anything..im just so emotional..
lol maybe im only emotional when im on the net.. im not sure.. i went stokies today.. it was good to get out... i was a little hyper but then i got tired and became abit lost.. im so tired
i miss my friends.. i miss talking to my friends at school.. i miss talking to my friends over the net.. i still talk.. but i miss those conversations.. the uncontrollable laughter.. the fun.. i need those times.. i miss it all :(

arghh

i feel like crying.. but when is that unusual? arghh im really annoyed and pissed off.. my sister just told me that natasha has my formal dress.. omgggg i knew i shouldnt buy it from a place so common.. but then i figured every1 will think its common so theyd not go there.. arghh its sooo annoying.. i really dont wana wear it anymore.. its so embarassing.. i cant even return it.. u can only return afta 7 days.. and i liked it.. :( i duno wat to do now... its gona b the same thing... :( im so pissed off.. and i dont even no why.. when i read back i feel like one of those 'girls' im not like that i dont wana b like that.. i dont care.. arghh but i doo.. and i dunno yyyy : maybe its coz im havin a really bad day..
i woke up at 5.. studied for chem.. couldnt concentrate.. caught the bus.. ppl kepts remindin me about steven(saro).. made me sad.. my stomach sorta kept like jumping wheneva they said somethin bout him.. went into the exam.. did shit.. came out at around 12.. was sittin outside the hall nigelated till 12:35 coz i had to giv stevn his fone. then i walked home.. i was walkin it was hot i was tired and sleepy.. and to make things worse i saw a dead bird.. it was like 5cm away from my foot it scared me.. and then i kept walkin and i saw a four leaf clover so i thought ok i might hav good luck and just as i said that sumthin moved in the long grass i jumped and sorta stumbled and kept walkin and then some guy yelled out somthin to me from a car.. that scared me too.. and i jumped.. i hav no idea wat he said but he was prob cursin or sumthin.. it was like a mumble.. :S and then i came home and prameeta called me and that was good talkin to her.. and then i came on the computer and played a game.. that was fine.. and then my sis came home and told me roxanna said that she was talkin 2 natashas sister and describin the dress that i hav to her coz roxanna liked it too and had tried it on.. and while describin it natashas sista said ohh my sis has that.. and then roxanna told her i have it to.. and then they told my sis and my sis told me.. and now i feel like shit again... everythin seems to be going wrong.. i was so looking forward to the formal and now im dredding it.. i cant do anything about it now.. im stuck with the dress.. its to late to do anythin about it.. i cant return it.. im so not wastin my money on another dress.. and now i gota concentrate on makin my dress look completely different to hers.. it was my dress i dont like sharing :( im so mean.. but i cant help it.. i hate havin plans that get ruined.. its really irritating... :( i like order and organisation and then when something like this happens my whole mind goes psycho..
oh wellz wat can i do about it now? nothin..
on a plus note ill never have to do english, legal, maths, bio, chem ever again.. ever ever never never! only one more exam.. business next wednesday.. and hopefully if i get a good uai ill be able to continue business at uni.. *waaa* im not gona get a good uai.. and then i hav to waste 1 whole year at TAFE.. aww i wana go to uni i wana go to uni *hopes that repeating this may make the people who write fate and destiny will hear me and make me do well* plz plzzzz... lolz.. anywayz this is way to long..enough bitchin from me
cya
xoxo Samantha