нσω тσ ρσѕт αfтєя 10 dαуѕ...

Its been 10 days since i last blogged. Or i think its been that long. Ive been pretty busy with uni i guess, amy akansha n steven came uni on friday.. and friday night i went out with Belinda n her friend Tina.. =) It was fun haha.. Today had a family BBQ.. lots of lil kids and babies.. These days ive been livin like not here. It feels good.. Havent been worrying, havent been thinkn. Just goin with the flow. Im doin stuff and not thinkn twice.. I guess its good.. But im scared that its all gona hit me at once.. oh wellz.. just gotta enjoy THE NOW. and ill be fine.. Livin in the moment rox.. <3

ωιтн тιяєd єуєѕ, тιяєd мιиdѕ, тιяєd ѕσυℓѕ ωє ѕℓєρт

haha i dont know whats wrong with me, i had a driving lesson again today. I get so nervous when i drive with ur mum Prameeta. lol i have no idea why. Im normally a good driver i promise! Today i made so many lil mistakes it was so embarassing. I was a better driver last week.
I feel like ive talked to much today, and im so tired. Went shopping.. saw some guy from uni who works at the telstra shop, so embarassin coz i wasnt expectin 2 c any1.. he shook my hand.. lol we introduced ourselves coz we didnt know each others names. But hes been in my class this whole semester. Lol how weird. i thought his name was peter.. oops.. Yah.. tired. but wana watch veronica mars and one tree hill tonight. got group meetin 2moro at 10:30.. stupid last assignment. Speech :S 20%. but last assignment for semester.. and then all ill have are exams.. yay nearly over.. 45 more days =) the countdown begins..

BTW- u can now play pacman on my blog page.. and there are random quotes (just scroll downwards), and if u click on the google ad on the side, i get $$ hahahaha, thanx for supporting me through uni =P *click click*

вяσкєи нєαятєd

Im so upset, i cant stop crying. I feel so bad and i dont know what to do. My sister broke up with her bf. I feel so bad for her. His sister left a nasty comment on her bebo, i dont want my sister to get teased. I want her to fit in. She was happy when she was with him. I think. Now its gona go back to the same old thing. I just want her to have friends that actually care about her. Why cant they be normal? I feel so sad because she acts happy when shes not. Her friends told the school shes depressed, and they recommend she see a doctor. Our doctor asked her to speak to someone. I dont know if she is. But it hurts so much to have ur sister being sad, and feeling like she cant talk to anybody about it. She didnt even want to tell anybody why she was going to the doctor but my mum told me. I really shouldnt be tellin everyone/blogging about it. But i dont know what to do. I feel so sad, i feel her pain even though she doesnt show it. I really really dont know what to do. I feel like in my family i have to be the strong one. My mum choose to tell me coz im the oldest. Now i have the biggest burden. She doesnt have depression, she just feels sad alot. Thats still pretty bad. For her friends to notice it. To tell the teachers, who have also asked about her and questioned her. She said she doesnt like school, she doesnt wana change schools though. Why? Why wouldnt she wana try to fix the problem? I feel so like separate from that side of her. I cant talk to her about it, coz firstly im not meant to know shes sad, secondly she chooses not to speak to me about some things, and she gets defensive if i ask stuff.
---
I hate when people lie and make excuses if u dont wana go out coz u cbf just tell me. Dont fucken waste my time tryin to make excuses n stuff, If you wana do something specific just tell me. Dont go to other people telling them the reason u dont wana go iz coz u wana do somethin i dont, or that i wana stay out longer than u want to. Is it my fault? Why waste time? why go around in circles. Spend 30 minutes trying to think of something to do, then in the last minute say how about we wait till someone else can go as well.??? huh? why? why make plans with someone including myself without even asking me? why lie and say that u need to study when ur not actually going to study? Is it my fault for wanting to spend time with people? Is it my fault for trying? Sometimes i think its not worth the effort.. Maybe it isnt. Maybe i dunno.. And dont say im picking on u, becoz other people were honest about their reasons. I wouldnt be pissed if you didnt want to go, but why did u lie? Im not just caught up on one event, its been a few. Dont think im "pickin on u" coz im havin a shit life. Your not that special for me to pick on u. I dont care if this is harsh, coz its the truth.. and sometimes people should be honest to save themselves.

αℓℓ тнαт ι αм

So much feelings duno where to start

• HATE uni
• Dont like people at uni
• Dont like attitudes of people
• Dont like bein ignored
• Dont like not bein able to do what i wana do
• Dont like not bein able to talk to friends
• Dont like being jealous and envious
• Dont like not being able to have deep and meaningfuls
• Dont like not being able to talk to those that i once cared about
• Dont like fake people who "act"
• Dont like my life atm
• Dont like my family "acting"
• Dont like being used
• Dont like not being invited out
• Dont like not being able to "like"
• HATE being alone
• HATE not being able to write how i feel

Feelin so bad lately. I just hate everything at the moment. The best way to escape it all is to ignore, and to continue in this boring loop of my life. I just need an esacpe, i wanna run away, i dont wana deal. I just wish somethin better could come along. I mean my destiny and fate cannot just be this. It cannot be only this. There has to be more. Cant it just hurry up and work out for me? Whats the point of being good, when only bad things happen to you?

σвѕєѕѕισи

Woke Up at 4am. So Extremely Emotional. Eyes Hurt and Water. Tired. Sleepy. Obsession Preventing Sleep. Stay Awake. Pay Attention. Happy. Sad. Ambiguous. Need Sleep.

Weird Holiday Thingy..

well i havent been to uni for this whole week.. its like ive actually had two weeks off, instead of one. i feel so guilty... like on tuesday i took the day off to do my assignment due on wednesday.. and then on wednesday meant to hand my assignment in.. had such a hectic stressful day i dont even wana remember it. but belinda my hero saved me. and i handed my assignment in about 55 minutes late.. but 5 minutes left to spare in the allowable time my lecturer nicely gave me after hearing my situation. today i had the day off.. except coz its 2am.. this entry probably says friday.. but yeh.. so tomorrow (friday) i have uni at 2pm.. i feel weird.. lol and i dont wana whinge now coz i dont wana be annoying.. but yeh..
i talked to prameeta today.. and im so gona hire ur mum soon.. but im scared.. what if i smash her car? or if i do somethin n then she hates me.. or what if i do somethin then i accidently swear.. and ur mum gets all like weird... omg .. haha i dont really swear.. but like what if... haha
Feelin so sick in my tummy too.. stupid nausea!
hmmz.. gotta sleep soon.. but i really dont wana go... i dont want tomorrow to come..!

ѕтєρ υρ

Today, well seeing that its past 12. Yesterday, i went and saw step up. It was such a good movie. It made me cry! =) haha yah.. recommend it.
Well.. hmmz.. im so bored atm. today i guess. Monday. is officially the last day of my holiday. I had so much planned for it, except i havent done anythin. Only been to the beach twice, and movies. Thats it. and yeh.. im so bored and alone atm. Noones on msn. Sometimes i like msn when i talk to some people.But i hate it that i dont talk to anyone special anymore. Like i havent added anyone new in such a long long time. And i dont really want to. I dont like making friends with randoms anymore. But the people that i have on the net, that are hardly on that i like talking to, never are on when i wana talk to someone. Its so annoying. There arent that many, but they are always fun, and always make me smile. I wish they came on more often, just to entertain me. Krishy just nudged me. Thats all he does. He never talks to me.. Grrr.... I wanna talk to someoneeee. I feel so whingy.I hate being alone. I feel so isolated. I also sometimes wish i was more out there. That way people would be more comfortable talkin to me about stuff they think i know nothing about. I hate it when people avoid subjects coz they think i dont know anything about it, or that i have no experience in it. Makes me feel very immature and small. I wish i was different, but then i hate it when people agree with me. Like im just rambling atm, coz im bored, and waitin 2 c if anyone comes online. I havent given out my email addy or phone number to anyone in years. Its so sad. Like i mean other than school or uni people. I havent gotten a random phone call either in such a long time. Argh so alone.
I have an assignmnet due on wednesday. I havent started. Its worth 35%. Crap. Just wana have fun and hang out with people. But noone to hang out with. =(

ѕσмєσиє яєѕ¢υє мє!!

Faking a smile

Had a bad day, everything seems to be going wrong. I guess ive had two bad days in a row. Today i found out i have officially been ripped off by my laptop. I was falsly advertised and it took me all these months to find out. Not only can i not connect my laptop to my tv, i do not have bluetooth or infrared capablities, which were one of the main reasons i bought it. I called up Acer today, and they said that the model after mine, had those, and they used the same casing for both. So yeh, i basically bought the shell, without the insides. =S and i have the worst luck, Acer laptops dont have the plug which every single other brand has, (except dell) to connect it to the tv. Which was another reason i wanted a laptop. Annddd.. my video card is screwed, coz it overheats and my screen turns purple. The best they could do was tell me to bring it to this place and they will take a look at it. Which is bullshit, coz another reason i bought this computer, was coz Acer has this home-to-base policy, where they pick it up and fix it and drop it back home. Well helllooo, i cant even have that done.. Arghhh such a large amount of money, wasted, on a not-so-good product. I feel so ripped and pissed off. It took me ages to decide which one to buy, and now when its too late i find out that i was lied to. The day after i bought it and realised it had no master cds for xp, and no office, the guy offered me to return it. I should have said yes, and not felt bad for the guy who sold it to me... So the past two days, ive been tryin to make my laptop better, figure out whats wrong with it, and try to connect it to the tv so i can watch all these movies i just got. But noo, thats not gona happen. So ive wasted TWO whole days doin nothin, basically to find out that i was ripped. And like all these small things keep happenin to make my day worse. Like i was lookin forward to eatin this type of food, and then my mum didnt get it. I duno y i was so annoyed at that, but i dunoo. If someone tells u somethin, u get excited, and then its taken away from u.. it just sux.. =( My room is messy, and im pissed at that as well. I have assignments due next week n the week after, and quizzes, which i dont wana do coz i dont wana ruin my holiday, but just thinkn about them annoys me.. And this game i play isnt working for no apparent reason..Arghh i wana break out of this loop, i need to have a good day. I have to think positive.. =(
I hate time. Time wasted.

мιѕѕιиg - ωнєяє αяє уσυ؟

"Sometimes you just can't explain to someone what your feeling inside, why the tears run from you eyes, or even what caused you to cry. Sometimes the feeling your holding within is a pain with no language of words, it's something not even you understand, but nothing compares to the hurt. Sometimes the cut that lies in your heart is a wound to great to be healed and the person you've always turned to in life is a person who's no longer here. Sometimes life's to much to deal with and you need someone to care, but when you turn to scream for help you realize no ones there. Sometimes when your desperate and no longer see the light, when your voice is tired of screaming and you're ready to end the fight, that's when your heart begins to write pathetic lines, that rhyme, which no one seems to understand, so your soul continuously cries."

i found that on this space. I can relate to that so well.
I dunno whats wrong with me. I have no idea. I feel so out-of-place. I thought i was over all of this. But i guess im not. Im beginning to think and think and overthink. I hate it. I wish i didnt think, i wish i didnt have the ability to worry. I wish i didnt care.I hate it. I hate being like this.
I wanna be different. I dont wana be the good one anymore. I wana do somethin extreme so people dont think of me like i am. I wanna be different. But then that becomes a problem, i already feel im different from some people. I feel like i dont fit in anywhere. I dont know what im meant to do. I feel like im stuck in between to worlds atm. The world i love my safe world, and the new world i wana experience. The people in both worlds are different. I just wish that both worlds were the same, i wish that i could fit into both. I wish i wasnt different. I wana be different enough to fit entirely in one world, but i want bits from both worlds. I feel split between who i am, and who i wana be.
Its holidays next week. Im so annoyed like really annoyed that my plans have been ruined. I wanted to go out every single day, i wanted to make a scedule and everything. I wanted to have fun, and actually have a fun holiday. Not just spend it at home, stressin over the work i have to do before i start uni again. But now, i cant do any of that. Everyones busy, have tafe, or school. And its too hard to try and organise around everyones timetables. I cant b bothered. I just wish that stuff i wanted would just happen. and i didnt need to plan them, or organise them. I think im just annoyed at myself for making unrealistic goals for the holiday. Its not like my friends would wanna hang with me every single day every single minute. Everyone has their own lives. I hate that, i wish that everyone could just be there when i wanted. I know thats selfish. But argh. i cant explain it. If i was busy, then i wouldnt have to think. If my friends were around, i would b distracted.
Arghh and i have no feelings. I duno whats wrong with me. Spring is in the air, which means love. Everywhere i look, new couples r forming. People are liking people. crushes and infatuations. I feel like so lost. I feel like i dont belong. I have no feelings, i wana like but i cant. Whats wrong with me? Ive been hurt so much, but i just wana get over it. I want something new. I just wana b alive again.

нуρσ¢яιтє

I feel like the biggest hypocrite atm, but only by accident. I didnt know what i was doin was what i did. I don't wanna say it specifically what it was, to me it wasnt a big deal. But i made it a big deal to someone else, and its just embarassin if i admit doing it. Arghh ok, i accidetnly read my sisters chat log. Ok it was accidently read, because i was checkin to see who ive spoken to the most, and i saw my cousins email addy, and i couldnt remember when i spoke to her, so i opened it and read it. Then i realised it was my sister. And its not my fault, coz im on my laptop, and hardly any1 ever goes on it. I thought all the chatlogs were mine. But i still feel like i invaded her privacy :( and i dont wana tell her, coz i read somethin she wants to keep secret. Im more troubled by what else she said, like shes been feeln really shitty lately, but i dont think she has. I think shes just exaggerating or somethin, i mean i knew this is how she felt ages ago, from what she wrote in RO forums, and stuff like that. But i thought she would be over it now, i mean nothings really happened to make her that upset, the way she described it. Well her best friend moved away, but she has heaps of new friends now. How bad can she really be feeling? Anywayz her secret is very cute. Me & amanda thought we knew, we already knew to some extenet. But i feel crap coz y would she tell my cousin Kathryn n not us. I understand her n Kat have this weird bond. But she told her she couldnt tell us coz we'd get shitty, but its not true :S Anywayz i feel crap coz i read it.
hmmz.. anywayz.. today i got a high distinction for an assignment =) i should be like really happy, but i feel weird. Most people in my class didnt get to good. And before i got my assignment back, i honestly didnt think i would get a good mark. He gave a whole speech about how the class didnt do too well, the average was only a pass and stuff like that. I had only spent the night before working on it. So was kinda stressed. I got the mark after my friends got it, who only got avergae to low. When i looked at it, i smiled and was like wow had no idea i would get that. anywayz the whole calss were complaining. This girl made a comment how people who spent the night before doin it got good marks, and how it wasnt fair. And my friend was like annoyed how he marked hers n stuff. Everyone were complaining. My friends even made fun of this bimboy girl who did better than them. And now i feel crap. Like what if i wasnt friends with them, would they be making fun of me too? I feel bad for complaining before i got it back, but like it wasnt my fault. I honestly thought i didnt do good. So now i cant even enjoy my mark coz i feel guilty :S

ѕтυиg ву α вєє

Today was multicultural day at h.p.h.s woke up at 8 with only about 3 hours of sleep, and made finishing touches to my assignment, got ready and then Prameeta picked me up. Went to pick up Akansha, kinda got lost, lol but found her eventually. It was weird to go back.. like a dream. But good to see everyone again.
Went to uni at 1. had my tut, lol and while i was walkin to the car park, thinkn about how good the day had turned out, my foot began to hurt. I looked down at my toe, and there was a BEE! omg, it was eating my toe, quickly i swished it away, but the pain.. Oh the pain :s it had stung me. It was so embarassing, im standin there, holdin my toe, with this facial expression full of pain. i musta looked like a freak. Argh i have never been actually stung by a bee, and now i cant get the whole image outa my mind. I was so scared, and it hurt so much, i didnt know what to do. I just wanted to go home and cry. It was awful. Im so tired now, my foot hurts, its actually swollen =(
Watchin My Best Friends Wedding. wow what a classic.

ωнєи ѕнιт нιтѕ тнє fαи

arghh.. i only woke up 1 hour ago, and im already having a bad day. Had a massive argument with my dad. I hate it, so much. I don't know why i even bother. I cant keep quiet, and let him be how he is. He doesnt care, he doesnt know that what he says hurts. So i tell him, and he just has big arguments. Its so stupid. Over the tiniest things. The definition of a job. He asks me, i tell him. He gets pissy coz i dont think like he does. All he cares about is fukin money. He doesnt get it. arghh just the way he acts, talks, does things. I hate it. i just wana leave. i wana go somewhere else. escape. anywhere. I hate living around him, near him. Ive tried, Ive tried not talking, ignoring him, avoiding him. But its impossible. It wont work. Someone has to speak up, put some sense through his head. And i cant go anywhere, my mum. She doesnt want me to go. and my sisters. argh i dont know what to do. His morals are completely different to mine. atleast i take the time, and try to understand what hes sayin, but all he does is degrade me, and say that what im sayin is stupid. Im only 18 he thinks becoz im "young" im stupid. I bet i have the same mental age, or even older than he does. He starts arguments, and its so immature. He tells me, if u want me to respect u, then sit here quietly and listen to me. When im already cryin n angry. He just wants a reason to treat me like crap. He knows im not able to be quiet, when he talks shit. I dont know what to do. I have an assignment due tommorrow and how the hell am i meant to concentrate now when im pissed, crying, and angry. What do i do? Im 18 years old. I need to live. I cant live here. No one can. How much longer do i have to deal with it? When am i ever going to be able to fix it? I cant be around him. He thinks his right as father, lets him treat me like crap and call me selfish and stupid. Those exact words. How is that going to help me be calm and sit and listen so he can respect me? He said what i do is bullshit, my studyin and all that. He said i dont know anything. I mean what the fuck am i doing then, if its bullshit? Why do i even go to uni and study, if its bullshit? I just need to escape. I cant stand any longer.

ѕυммєя иιgнтѕ

It is officially spring, and im not happy. My memory gets triggered by all sorts of things. Smells, sounds, songs, etc. Even weather apparently. Tonight, theres this heatness in the air, the sounds from outside, the atmosphere. It just reminds me of a time where i was happy, when i didnt know what would become of it. Now i know better, and just remembering, makes me sad. Last year, at this time, we were finishing high school. We were graduating. We were about to sit the most important exams in our lives. It was such a stressful time, in my life. I dont want to remember. Last year, Last Spring, Last September. I was different. I was able to feel. Now, im a blob. This summery type of night, reminds me that i am alone - bymyself. No one can help me. There is no control. No control over the weather, no way to keep cool; no way to control my thoughts. Its weird, Im weird, i know. People try to help me, give me advice, make suggestions to change who i am. But it doesnt work. I know what i want, i know how to achieve it, yet i dont wana act like someone im not, and do things that i wouldnt normally do. So i stay the same. And stay boring, and weird. Do i (or does anyone) have the right to complain that i dont have what i want, without actually trying to achieve it? Or trying in a way, you know not possible.

*OMG pinch and a punch 4 the 1st day of the month.. ~no returns~*

too sleepy to blog, ill finish it tomorrow maybe when im a little more awake *YAWNZ*

ρℓєαѕυяє αи∂ ραιи

atm.. i feel so weird. you know when u hit ur funny bone.. and it kills, but u wanna laugh? or when u fall on ur ass, and u feel the same.. u wana laugh, but cry? somethin happened to me and i have no idea what it is.. but i feel like that. My body is touching the pleasure vs pain zone. Its hard to describe but its somewhere in my back area. and it hurts, but i wana laugh.. and then i feel like crying. Omg wat if i broke my nerveous system. Yeh. =( any1 know what im on about?

сℓчb-норріи'

Last night, Michelle picked me and Kathryn up around 9:30 and we headed to the city. First hit "Red Room" @ Hotel Chambers, it had really good old skool music.. It was so good there. There werent any sleazy type people, maybe coz the crowd was older. But it was excellent. I had a shot called "pink pussy" lol where they get the names, id like to know. Some guyz bought us 2 rounds of drinks with a mix of Alizé and somethin else. Not random guyz, just michelle's friends - so it was safe. Oh yeh Michelle knew the bouncer at Red Room, so we got in for free, with no waiting lines. She rox!
So then we decided to hit another club. On our way, cops pulled us over. Shit! lol. but with our clever excuses, no RBT was given *luckily*, just a fine for turning right in a "no right turn" lane, and for not displaying P Plates. Lol..
Then we decided to go to Docks or somethin, but when we got there it looked shitty with hardly any1 there. So we went Home Bar instead. Once again Michelle knew the bouncer there, we got in free with no lines! YaY =) I got a song dedicated to me by the MC! Yay lolz.. Good music there to. But the crowd was a little younger.. so there were some sleazy ppl.. But not to bad. I had a "Vodka Sunrise", which tastes soo much better than a Tequila Sunrise. Then we went upstairs to "Strangewayz", Michelle knew the bouncer there too. We stayed a bit while she talked to him. But there ppl there looked like they were on drugz so we didnt bother stayin.
Then we just walked around the city a bit. And ended up drivin down to "Harry's Pies", which is the place to be after clubbin. Its in Wollomollo.. Or whatever its called. Anywayz we had hotdogz at harry's pies lol. Had heaps of fun. Altogether i had about 7 drinks and a shot last night. But i didnt get drunk, and no hangover =(. (not that i want a hangover). Hehe got home around 4. Pretty early, but a good time so i could get enough sleep.
=) Today im just tryin 2 catch up on everythin. Gona start stessin soon. But oh wellz.

мєитаℓ-нєаℓтн

so, i woke up today feeling like i needed a mental-health day off uni. It may have been because i had 14 hours of sleep. But i duno. I was just in a lazy, slow, sad day mood. I think i still am. I had 14 hours of sleep, because last night i went to bed at 9:00. The earliest ive slept in years. I slept only because i had nothing to do. It feels like (and ill use the words i learnt at uni 2day) that i am "unconscienciely competent". I am doing my everyday things profficiently, yet i am doing them unconsciously. Like im not there, or dont realise what im doing. Its like driving, the more practice you get the less you think about what ur doing. You could drive from ur house to somewhere and not remember the trip, because you were unconsciously competent in acheiving the task. Thats my life. I go to uni, i come home, and i do the same thing all the time. It feels like my life isnt my life. "me" isnt a portion of it. theres uni, family and every1 and everything else concerned in my life is changing and moving yet i am the same.
Argh i hate being not pretty. I am overlooked all the time. I duno if thats because i am ugly or my personality. I mean why? why? I dont get it. What dont i have that every one else does? Its just an ugly day/week/chapter in my life. Where i am blah and i just dont have what it takes. not just guyz.. anyone and everyone. I have no friends at uni.. I have like maybe 1 or 2. and every1 else is there friends. even my friends from last semester arent my friends anymore, they have become friends friends.. Like this girl who i talked 2 last semester, and was in my class. Now shes in like 3 of my classes, but when she talks she speaks directly to my friend. Shell ask her if shes goin to the lecture n stuff like that without even looking at me. Its so annoying. Noone pays any attention to me. I try to speak up, but i feel like an idiot. I literally get ignored. I might have exaggerated bout gettin ignored. but people do. not all the time. but it happens.
argh im just sad and alone =(

иоѕтаℓgіа

I was looking through pictures from last year, and then it hit me. I miss how things were, i miss the people, i miss the less stressful situations, i miss the past. Remember when we were younger, and nothing mattered. The only thing you had to think about was what cartoon you were going to watch when you got home from school. You thought the world was filled with nice people, that everyone has to like everyone else, that things you wanted would be given to you. We took so much for granted. Friends, Love, Family. But now, its like we need to work for all the things we want, the things we need. Its not possible to just sit back, and let someone else worry about you. Things don't just magically work out. We need to think for ourselves, we need to physically do things for ourselves. We need to worry, we need to plan, we need to organise, we need to work. They say ignorance is bliss, but with age comes wisdom and respobsibilty. As we grow older our minds grow, grow with knowledge, concerns, worries, thoughts, plans. This responsibilty is overwhelming. Everyday we are faced with decisions that could affect our future. Your one little decision could change destiny and lead you into a whole different future. These thoughts scare me.
Before i make any decision, my mind goes through a sequence of questions. Im faced with questions like what, where, when, how, why, and the why and how become intensified. These questions get analysed further, with questions such as is it worth doing? will it benefit me? will it hinder my relationship with others? will it affect my life in a positive or negative way? etc. I think that if i wasn't faced with these questions every single time i wanted to do something, i would be a completely different person. I would be doing something else. I wouldnt be at uni, i wouldnt have the friends i have, I may even be living on my own somewhere. But because i choose and decide the things i do, this is what i have. Sometimes i wish that i was a different person. Someone who did what i really wanted to, someone who didnt become shy, someone who was able to do things without any consequences. I wonder..
---
I havent blogged in awhile, i dont know why i havent. Sometimes i feel like hiding in my room, not talking to anyone. Other times i need people, i need to talk to survive. I just get in different mind sets. Life is filled with variables and controls. My controls include, my going to uni, who my family are and thats basically it. I think that the overwhelming amount of variables in my life is what makes me worry. My variables include, who my friends are, what i do each and everyday in my spare time, on my weekends, on my holidays, who i talk to and who i dont, what i eat, where i live, the environment, the weather, transport, trains, buses, planes, cars, car accidents, accidents of any sort, crimes. There are so many things i am not able to control. I wanted to go on a holiday. For two whole days straight i was planning and organising to go. Trying to convince my mum to go with me. Thinking of what i want to do, where i want to go. After two days of going nowhere. My thoughts change. I begin to worry about how ill get there, what i need to get there, what i need to plan. It hurt my brain just thinking about it all.
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I feel disconnected and awkward talking to anyone. I feel really withdrawn as a person. I am not social, bubbley, talkative, crazy, or whatever i once was. Music in my life is important, i always try to keep up with new songs, but recently ive also disconnected and im listening to old songs, not paying attention to the lyrics or even the music. Im not sure why i am like this, and im not sure what it will take me to become connected to the world once more. But i hope i can change and be how i was once. I havent had a 'deep and meaningful' with anyone for such a long time. I actually havent cried either. It sounds like a good thing, but im not sure it is. I dont want to be one of those people when they're 80, they live in a small isolated house, with cats or dogs as my only friends. I want.. Im not sure i want.. Im not even sure what i need. Im just loafing, drifting, waiting for something to hit me. What if nothing hits me?

тчиє-іи

Well, i don't know why i am exactly blogging tonight. I'm not really in the mood but i guess i needed to tune-in. Uni has started, its going pretty good. I'm liking my classes so far. But heaps of work to come. Oh and we have lectures in this new smaller room, so its easier to check out the guyz :) Um.. been really really sleepy, and tired. Must be coz im sick. But what can you do? What else? Thats it. Still feel pretty much isolated. There isnt really anytin to look forward to. Just tired i guess. I really wanna write and write and talk and talk, but i can't. It feels as though theres stuff to say. But its not comin out. I'm just too tired to think, and write, and isolate whats been bothering me. I just need time to sleep, get caught up on my thoughts, and figure it out

Edited: 2-08-06 10:30pm.. If my status on msn is "away" or "busy", please forgive me for not coming up to you, to talk to you. My gosh, seriously, *rolls eyes*.

fояℓояи

The title this entry, is perfect. Forlorn Appearing sad or lonely because deserted or abandoned;Forsaken or deprived. Exactly how i feel, even though i havent literally been deserted or abandoned. Ive been home in my room by myself for so long, that im feeling beyond bored. Its not even boring now. Its just "bleh". I feel so isolated and alone. Sometimes i don't feel like talking to anyone, i want to but i dont. I dont know why. Its weird. I feel so lost, i cant remember what ive done in so long, because i haven't done anything. My life (verb) is a blur. a tiny pigment of my life (noun). I need a new word for life. I dont even know what i'm doing anymore. I dont even want to do anything. Its strange. Anywayz.. today i was on the computer, and there was this cat meow-ing and it was so annoying. I didnt even know where it was. I looked everywhere but i couldnt find it. Then i just figured it was me neighbours meow-ing for some odd reason. It went on for like half an hour. How strange. hehe.
I woke up at 9 this morning, The first time i've woken up before 12 in a long time. I had to register for my tutorials. It was so crazy. I ended up havin 5 days a week of uni. I was so stressed. But eventually it worked out, and i now have thursday off. And i have a friend in 2 of my tuts, and 4 of my lectures. So that means i only need to make new friends in only 2 tuts. So thats alright :P
How long does someone have to wait to talk to someone who has just totally drifted? Do you ever talk to them again, or do you continue to ignore, and allow driftiness? Should you let it go? Okz.. Sleepy
Goodnight xoxo
Luv Samantha